Mumsnet Talk

have N'cd; been on this board for three years and have learn't a lot.

Suddenly I feel very uneasy about the man I love. Don't want to say too much incase I'm found on here IYKWIM.
he lives with me and DCS, my house, i'm fully self supporting - hes having tough time, his financial support is probably 20% of what he should be paying.

Suddenly everything seems wrong, its like the mist has lifted and I'm feeling the need to extricate myself. If it smells fishy, it is...isn't it?

his work is good, no problems there, they couldn't sack him.

I have history of 'wrong' relationships; letting men do whatever they want to keep them happy. I am very passive. He is very loving but suddenly I'm seeing red flags all over the place

Are you worried about his relationship with your children?

Look, every relationship is different. Sometimes a man paying less than his fair share is a red flag, but not always. It really depends on your overall relationship.

No Imperial, i'm sorry I do not wish to dripfeed I'm just nervous. I take care of children, hes good with them. He's lived with us for 1.5 years.

Can you tell us what you feel uneasy about? Do you think he's taking drugs? Gambling? Stealing money from you?

How has it come about that he's contributing considerably less to the household outgoings/family budget than he should? Has he ever paid the full whack? Does he make other contributions - i.e pay for family holidays, outings, replace clapped out appliances, shower you with gifts etc?

How long has this cocklodger tightwad has had his feet under your table?

none of the above Imperial. I am divorced we don't see dcs father mydcs are teenagers. he is going through divorce ( not because of me, grounds unreasonable behaviour started by his wife ) big fight over assets with his ex. I knew him years ago so was old friend who came back on scene, said he always loved me but i've basically been supporting him since hes been here.

this is what I'm thinking Izzy. cross posts there!

I'm feeling a little bit sick, I know the drill been on the forum a long time

You think he is using you for a place to stay while he gets his feet back?

If you know the drill, honey. you know it's time to kick him into orbit cut him loose and let him support himself at market rates.

Words of love are cheap, but you're picking up a mighty big tab for them and that is money which can be more profitably spent on yourself and your dc.

He wants to buy with me, which means I have to leave area, when everything is 'sorted'. I understand from someone else he left his wife of many years by leaving a letter on the kitchen table
if he doesn't buy with me his options for housing will be reduced

Do you really want to buy with him?

i could have moved from here already and be mortgage free

last couple of days I've been on rightmove assessing what I could buy alone

I do all the cooking/cleaning/washing/DCs needs/sex on tap/bring him tea/pay all the bills

And hes in charge of remote control - its not looking good is it?

He 'wants to buy with you'? O yeah? I'm sure he does - until everthing is sorted -- leaves a letter on your table-- swans off to more pastures old new with the proceeds and the savings he's accumulated by living off you.

But that's pie in the sky doing nothing to resolve your immediate problem, which is that he's been poncing off you for the past however long and it's high time he redressed the balance with a big fat wedge of readies.

I think you are waking up darling!

my exH was highly abusive and 'lived off me' as this P puts it

Have a search on this board for two threads by BibiBlocksberg - they were called something like "It's all about him, isn't it" and "It's all about me now"

I think you're a little further out of denial than BB was when she first posted; you might find her story inspiring!

I've been so 'loved up' Pure, I think know you are right. I'm going to have a really good listen to him over the weekend and ask some testing questions. We have had a bit of a test this week and I didn't like the results; however it has served to knock my love goggles off.

will do garlic

when I think of all the times he's told me that i shouldn't let people take advantage, never tell anyone anything that isn't going to benefit me, and if we'd met when we were younger, this is his joke : 'nah, i'd have stolen all your money' ha ha....

i've basically been supporting him since hes been here.

I do all the cooking/cleaning/washing/DCs needs/sex on tap/bring him tea/pay all the bills

He wants to buy with me, which means I have to leave area

he left his wife of many years by leaving a letter on the kitchen table

Just read these back. He wants to buy with you although living off you. So, does he expect YOU to buy and him to move in? If he has assets to buy why is he living off you?

Did his wife pay for everything too?

Once he's got you in that new house that you have financed (taking you away from your support system) don't be surprised to find a letter on the kitchen table one day.

You deserve so much more than this, but you need to ask yourself why you are letting yourself be a doormat.

this is his joke : 'nah, i'd have stolen all your money' ha ha....

when a man tells you how he is, believe him

YY, suburbophobe! Irrationalme, that 'joke' made me gasp

This man's a thief and a coward. Robbed his wife of her dignity by leaving a note on her kitchen table and sneaking out the back door like the lily livered bag of gobshite he is.

Thieves and cowards are also liars. The chances are he'd never given a thought to you until you reappeared on his horizon and he saw an opportunity to freeload off you like he's freeloaded off every woman he's been involved with.

It's to be hoped that, now they've dropped off, those rosy specs won't fit you again.

I don't need a man in my life , least of all this one now. Lots of small things I have ignored for a while . We don't fight, in fact get on well but I'm going to do a lot of listening this weekend. Will deal with his removal very soon.
I'm often on here giving advice, didnt think I'd be needing it.

I've been really stressed out recently and couldn't quite put my finger on what has been causing it , think now it's him.

Your intuition has started screaming at you...it's a gift to warn you when things aren't right. This man sees you as a meal ticket. Please don't buy a house with him.

It's a myth that any of us need men in our lives, honey. It's what keeps weak women tolerating crap relationships with utter tossers like the one that's got his feet under your table.

woken up this morning with even more flags waving in my head, its like an avalanche.
He thinks I spoil the DCS

I think 'woken up' is he phrase, irrational
I think you are starting to see this for what it is.

Keep talking

....also izzy do you never sleep?

Hah! What the fuck's it got to do with him if you do? Your house, your rules, and when it comes to your dc he can keep his beak out of it.
The brass nerve of some of these twats is beyond belief.

This one couldn't make it plainer the's a self-entitled controlling twunt than if he had a sign attached to the top of his head illuminated by flashing red lights.

FFS do yourself a favour. Tell him to fuck off out of your home today and don't hesitate to call the police if the arse gets arsey.

Due to a current ailment I'm grabbing zzzzs when I can Norks as the side effects of strong painkillers leave a lot to be desired, albeit they may be desirable for reacreational purposes some.

Unfortuntely, this means I'm rarely able to get my head down for much longer than 3-4 hours before pain intrudes on my sleep .

Do you like him? Can you talk about alsorts? If your life isn't better for having him in it then you have your answer I think. You sound a bit panicky from your posts, it that how you feel?

You are allowed to spoil your DCs, if you wish to. What does that have to do with him? It's not his money you're spending!

joblot, I've always liked him. we can talk.

I took him some tea this morning and we had a little chat, but this time I was properly listening. We talked personal stuff, something happened in the week that I didn't like, talked about that. During the conversation we had:

an incident of gaslighting where I questioned him on something he said and he said he never said it - it was very insulting to me; he even changed the words idiot

he blamed me for the way he behaved in the week, subtly, but he did.

I admit I have been spending time thinking about what I'd do with my money if he wasn't around. I'm not afraid to chuck him out, I'm a bit interested to see what he has to say at the moment and I plan to discuss money - his reaction will tell all.

My gut feeling is its all going tits up very soon

It sounds to me as if it going tits up can't come soon enough for the welfare and wellbeing of yourself, your dc, and your long-suffering purse.

If you reckon you'll miss having a male to 'talk' to, invest in a parrot.

Thank goodness you can see the gaslighting...I think it's really amazing that your eyes have been opened to him like this. You're very lucky to be so aware of these early signs because so many women sleepwalk into these kinds of relationships and find themselves in a wholly abusive (usually married with DCs) mess years later when it dawns on them what's happened.

Seenenough; the reason I think is because I've trodden this path before. I did 15 years with hardcore abuse from exH (at least he was blatantly abusive) - this one presents it all in a different way.
I bought the lundy bancroft book a while ago, never read it yet have found myself frantically looking for it to read now.
I've also read so much stuff on here, and the advice and its like its all come into sharp focus.
hes gone off out to do something for the day, I mentioned what about dinner tonight which he was very evassive and didn't want to be pinned down, I didn't push it just wanted to see his reaction. He does come and go as he pleases.
Up until yeaterday I was thinking how could I ever live without him; i'm now thinking about how quickly I'm chucking him out.
He is also full of his self importance

Its all been there, I just refused to see it. with exh i had no money/property/mumsnet - I now have money/property/mumsnet

Listen to your instincts

They are serving you well

Hes in love with himself not me though he puts on a jolly good show.

well I'm in love with myself these days, which in a funny sort of way is partly due to him being 'loving'. this week I've seen cracks due to the fact he made a very fundemental mistake.
I have also known him to lie, on more than one occasion.

What are this twunt's good points? To borrow a phrase from AF, do they include a ginormous golden dick?

At the moment I'm trying hard to think of them Izzy

<goes off to try>

It's no wonder I've been feeling like shit recently, need to lose some weight about fourteen stone

I smell a rat. You don't seem to know much about this guys past do you?
Have you ever askedd yourself if perhaps you "rescued" him?

The freedom diet 'tis wondrous. Once you've lost the the dead weight, you might consider enrolling on the Freedom Programme to avoid your next romantic experience becoming as expensive as this one.

I've known him for years, know plenty about his past, its cheesy i know but apparently I am 'the one' for now. We have been 'rescuing' each other, until now that is

Don't confuse "I have known him for years" with "he must be the right fit for me, so I must overlook the fact he is actually a bit crap"

He sounds just like an ex of mine. He always said I was the one.

You sound very in tune with yourself and your instincts. Listen to them. You sound strong, and with clarity. Good luck.

You are 'the one' that enables him to live high on the hog and continue his self-entitled ways without hindrance.

Work out what 80% of the total sum he should have paid since he first lodged his cock in your home amounts to and present him with the bill.

I suspect he'll soon find another misguided female to leech off as his type usually has a few birds in the bush on the go to rely on as fall back positions.

Yes Izzy, chucking him out later. He keeps telling me he needs my support WTF? I'm fucking exhausted and need to support myself first so i can support my DCS.

Feel need to get off hamster wheel of dodgy relationships I've been on for half a lifetime with immediate effect.

I'm going to buy myself a new mattress and bed linen next week

Bloody cock lodgers

Have they no self respect at all?

Oh Irrationalme I read "I'm in love with myself these days" and I just wanted to stand up and cheer!

Sounds like you're an amazing person, and you're in for a much better life than the one you currently have

OP are you sure it's not my extwunt you're with? Story sounds very, very similar in all ways.

I had a letter, not left on kitchen table granted (but he's a liar isn't he). Ex sent me an anonymous letter telling me he was having an affair.

he left to be with old flame who is 'the one'.

He was a liar.

Very, very dodgy with money.

Has been engaged in battle with me to fairly divide the assets instead of leaving me and his DC high and dry.

whatever, if you've got one like that LTB.

chucking him out later ... need to get off hamster wheel of dodgy relationships



Whoo hoo, Rational you! Got to hand it to your instincts, when they get going they really work for you!

Know what you mean about Mumsnet - if I'd had it back when, my story would be different. I imagine there's a bit of turbulence ahead for you but, clearly, you're the right woman to handle it and are looking at a MUCH brighter future from here on in!

Look at the great lesson you're teaching your DC, too, about self respect and self-worth

Good for you OP, you are doing exactly the right thing. Best of luck with it all.

OP I hope you're ok.

You sound to me that you know where you're at. That's a dam good starting point.

OP, how you doing ?

Hope you're not being seduced by the usual promises of jam tomorrow and that you're telling him to pay all he owes you in hard cash for the jam he's already consumed.

Well this thread strikes a bit of a chord with me.

I also have a man "living" with me who, despite earning much more than me, contributes nothing to the household financially. Yeah he does a lot of housework and loads of DIY but financially - nothing.

Reason? He's saving up to buy a house in which he wants me to move in with him. Funny thing is, he first mentioned buying this house last year - went back on it and said we hadn't been together long enough. I forgot about it - then a few months later he brought it back up, told me to look out for suitable houses for us - I did, wasted shit loads of time on Rightmove doing as he'd asked only for him to turn around and say it was too soon to be thinking about living together. Cock!! So this time I TOTALLY forgot about the whole thing.

This was all before he moved in with me btw. So then he moves in with me and brings up the whole house buying conversation a few weeks ago. I simply laughed and said "ha not that old shit again! whatever!" and he looked shell shocked and said "no!! I mean it this time! I feel we've been together long enough to take this step now" and I was like "yeah like I said, whatever".

Last week he brought it up again "I know you don't believe me but I want us to buy a house together" and I replied "yep ok, whatever".

Now HE seems panicked that I'm no longer falling for it. He brings it up constantly and each time I show no emotion whatsoever, it bugs the shit out of him.

Sorry for hijack, just wanted to say I'm in the same position - man living with me, no financial contribution, just a promise of 'tomorrow'. I'm just going to see what happens with it. I'll give him 6 months because to be fair, I do enjoy him being here and he doesn't cost me much and what he doesn't contribute he probably spends on various other stuff for me. If he does suddenly want to "break up" once he's got the money for his house I'll know I've been a fool and take it as a lesson learned but I do feel you have to take chances sometimes in life and that's what I'm doing here. Maybe it will all work out and maybe he IS being genuine? time will tell.

Mirri, Why don't you simply tell him he contributes financially to your household running costs (because you have a real house, with real bills etc, not simply a figment of the imagination) or he ships out. You will get the answer you deserve sooner rather than later, then.

You are taking a "chance" on someone using your good will to save money. For something that may never happen with you

I don't understand your passivity

Hes gone. I know its the right thing at this time. we talked a lot last night, yes he wants to be with me, loves me very much, apologised.

this time last week, I couldn't imagine being without him, we get on well, always have done but he did something last week, really fucked up and I can't get past it and now don't trust his motives at this time. My support for him has been unswerving and he tipped the balance by kicking that in the teeth for a moment yet still wanting more. I lost my faith last week.

I asked him to go because it will destroy us. Feel like shit but would have been shittier if I didn't do this.

Maybe I should but I don't give a fuck about the money

He gave you false hope, pissed on your faith, and abused your charity - and, even though it may take you a few days/weeks to fully realise it, you're well rid.

Next time round remember that, although experience often comes at a price', it's not necessary to take the old adage literally by paying hard cash for the dubious privilege of having a loser man in your life.

Give yourself a pat on the back for having done the right thing and have a

well done, IM

You know it's the right thing to do. If he did something you can't get past, it wouldn't have been fair on either of you to let it limp along, with your resentment growing and growing

Good for you and you are right to forget about the money, it's not as if you're ever going to get any from anyway.
As someone who many years ago found themselves in a similar position, I'd allow yourself some time to mend. Therapy might help you think straight and understand why you allowed yourself to be so exploited.
Please don't allow him back into your life,I'm sure he's very persuasive and charming but he'll destroy you.
I wish you every happiness.

Oh, well done!

How are you feeling?

IM well done. I suppose in a way you've 'written off your losses' before things got worse.

I hope you're ok.

IM well done. I've been watching your thread with selfish interest as I'm another in very similar circumstances.

I am waiting for another week. Then if I don't see the 'jam' that's been promised for some time now I'll be posting a thread and hoping for the support that will see me through losing some weight .

You deserve better and I'm really pleased you didn't waste any more time on this man. I'm having a glass of and toasting your good sense and achievement.

I look forward to toasting you too, Besame

feel rough and barely slept however used time to do a bit of investigative work to back up my instinct and found the evidence, most of which I had already guessed.

<wipes brow, breathes sigh of relief at what might have been>

Good on ya

<hands irrational restorative >

Ooh, do tell - I'm consumed by curiousity!

What have you discovered? Fraud, murder, mayhem? A trail of fags, whiskey & wild, wild, women? Or the usual a pack of lies and deceit from the off?

All of the above Izzy, with the exception of murder. He's definately on a sticky wicket. I'm lying low as advised by my lawyer

erk

And you funded his life of crime! Wow, does that make you an accessory? How exciting

he'll be hoping it won't

I have been advised that I have nothing to worry about, so wait and see.

I'm sure you've got nothing to worry about, honey, and please feel free to pm me if you have reason to believe otherwise.

Good lord!

I imagine that's put paid to any lingering regrets?

Good work there, Mme Poirot.

I have absolutely no regrets that this is the course of action I should take. I will not deny that it's painful but I am going to accept that pain head on otherwise I will make the same mistakes over and over in the future.

My emotions are understandably all over the place at the moment, but then I've gone from living in denial, in a bubble of 'perfect love' with that man to this. Denial is unsustanable.

It's horrible, isn't it. Bad people do bad things to good people

You weren't wrong to love him, you know! He was wrong - to put it mildly - to abuse your trust & good faith.

I'm not so sure that denial isn't sustainable indefinitely for some.

What we see on this board is merely the tip of the iceberg; the bit that's starting to see the light melt. Which means that a fuck of a lot of women remain frozen in a rock solid block of denial, living their lives in similar bubbles to the one you have so recently burst out of.

I must admit to finding it hard to understand how any woman can claim to have found 'perfect love' and maintain this self-delusion illusion while she's picking up the tab but, as they reputedly say in Yorkshire, there's nowt so queer as folk.

Its reading this board for a few years which has helped me get there.

Dignity and self-esteem come up time and time again, and these two things were lacking and have been a constant theme throughout most of my past relationships.

I would rather be alone now.

I do have some great friends, and of course the DCS to care for

It's all true I didn't know any of this - emotional abuse, red flags, financial abuse, covert violence, any of it - until I happened on an article on the Web, started reading up and eventually found my way here. This board's an incredible resource.

I'm still susceptible to self-doubts, wondering if X was right after all and it was me ... after all, he's been married for 9 years, has kids, maybe she's sane and I wasn't? But anybody who maliciously destroys their partner's confidence, as he did mine, is a nasty person. He'll have done the same to her; just been a bit more clever perhaps. She'll be in one of those icy blocks of denial.

IM, have read this thread and just wanted to say what an inspiration you are. I was in a similar situation to you many years ago and it took me far too long to see the light. Am raising a to you.

drinks are on me

I've been lurking on this thread, but just heard the song "Best thing I never had" and thought of you - seemed to sum up your situation. Well done for having the strength to kick him into touch.

Here we are... I've got them in for you

This toast is 'Good riddance to bad rubbish'

You call the next one....

She might have been sane when she met him, garlic, but I suspect she's bordering on certifiable after 9 years with your ex. As yet another saying has it 'you never know what's going behind closed doors' but, in her case, you can make an educated guess and I suspect you won't be far off the truth - which will, since it seems to be my day for adages, will out as it always does.

I saw a card on the internet today, it was of a woman waving to someone who had left the picture shouting ' wait, wait! you forgot to take your bullshit!'

Superb!

IM I want that card. <goes to google)

You're a star

Good nights sleep, nice lie in, now out to work

Inspirational song of the day

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmwRQqJsegw

IM he may try and resume contact. Ignore all.

keep up the good work.

Oh, there has been contact.

whilst emailing about his stuff that needs collecting, he was saying how he would never knowingly upset me and he's not a bad person.

I told him he's in denial and not a bad person but behaving like a cunt.

This elicited a poetic apology, saying my comments hurt, telling me he still loves me now as hes always done.

I sent back an extensive email refusing to apologise for my comments, detailing evidence he cannot deny exposing his untruthfulness, and details of how I want him to come here and pack his own things calmly, to show the DCs there is no animosity between us ( they have been told by me that we have disagreed, I am not happy and I have asked him to leave at this time ) and have a talk to them. In other words, face your responsibilites as its the decent thing to do.

Disappearing man with bin bags being thrown after him is not a good experience for them , afterall hes been a part of their lives too.

Hes sent me a text saying he is going to respond with truth, he needs to take a long hard look at himself.

Meanwhile I when I wake in the morning, just out of sleep I feel a sense of relief to be here alone with DCs. I miss him, it hurts but I know its the right thing now

IM, we don't need men like this in our lives.

My exdp see himself as a saint. He wasn't. I try not to engage in contact but he reels me in often.

He needs to pick up stuff too (a drum kit etc) but I don't intend on being here. And dc's don't care if they never see him again. They sized him up before I did.

I'm hurting too. But resolved still.

Big virtual hug.

thanks Monty, Yes we do not need men in our lives whose behaviour is less than desirable.

You're intending to let this man of low morals into your home again for the purpose of packing his belongings and enacting a farce in front of your dc in which his role is that of an adult who faces up to his responsibilities?

Are you entertaining some notion that your plan will lead to his reformation and maybe a reconcilation because, after all, he still loves you and always has done?

What you're proposing is an exercise in futility; he's gone and the only reason for his return should be to collect his ready packed belongings, preferably when your dc are not around.

FWIW, I would imagine your dc detected his bullshit some considerable time ago and I fail to see any reason why they should have to smell hear any more of it.

"Meanwhile I when I wake in the morning, just out of sleep I feel a sense of relief to be here alone with DCs."

I can totally relate to this. Yes I'm missing my exP, but the sense of relief not to be living under his moody cloud, is like a kiss & a hug on waking every morning. Just to wake up happy, me and my girls, is glorious!!

really inspiring thread irrationalme - you're doing so well.

izzy, He sent me a beautiful letter, so I beautifully told him to fuck off.

<wanders off to look for binbags>

Con-men are noted for their flowery prose, honey.

Bin-bags are a considerable courtesy on your part and I suggest you give him 24 hours to collect them from outside your home before they're taken to the tip.

at binbags. Exdp used my really nice strong gardening bags git.

How are you faring up IM? Stay strong.

IM if it wasn't for your thread I would probably have still been virtually on my knees with exhaustion but carrying on in the futile hope that…… well it's all academic now.

I ended it last night. Thank you IM.

wobbly now and again but fine thankyou. This is not easy, oh hell no, but theres this little voice inside me that keeps switching back on 'this is absolutely the right path to take at this time'.

Took DCs out to dinner tonight at a friends restuarant. When I phoned her up earlier in the week and told her I had asked him to leave she said 'ah, he's insincere'. I hadn't even said why I had asked him to go and she hasn't seen me since before christmas.

You should be asking yourself why is it that everyone else can see it except you?

I can now Izzy, I won't go back.

I have two wonderful DCs, worked hard for my house, have a great job and wonderful friends and family. I am fullfilled, know my own mind and am happy to live alone.

Reading this board for three years has helped raise my bar.

I definately won't be going back; someone said upthread, words are cheap its actions that speak volumes and this is so so true.