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Need advice Please! Exhusband/affair/reb uilding my life etc etc LONG!

(29 Posts)
twoshootingstars Fri 01-Feb-13 20:35:02

Hello ladies,
So this is my first time posting about my experience and I guess it has been reading the thread about good people cheating that has made me want to post.
My husband left me in the summer- claiming to want space etc.. a week in to this I discovered evidence of an affair and consequently realised he didn't want to work on anything.
It was a terrible shock as I had no idea and really was left reeling by it. My default setting was to blame myself as I knew that I had a lot of shit going on and had been unhappy, put weight on all that kind of thing.
We hardly addressed anything, had no counselling apart from 1 awful session..
He was just gone, and moved back to his old house with the ow.Someone from work, they are still together. Whenever we did meet, he was full of justifications and blame on me for how unhappy he had been in the marriage. He never ever spoke about this previously. If he was so unhappy, he certainly didn't address it or speak out. Even in february, he spoke about how he had never been so happy and couldn't wait for the next 7 years. Obvs before he met the ow.
We did have a rough patch the year before as I had a bad patch of depression revisiting and working through a bereavement. I thought we got through it.
We had been very happy even in our last few months together. He had started a new job and loved it, and was out a lot. It was a very social funky kind of job. I was pleased he had finally found his niche and had a good social time. I was always very trusting of him, so didn't give him a tough time about being out a lot as I genuinely believed he would never start an affair or anything like that. But he did.
These boards were amazing, and I gained a lot from reading others experiences and the advice given (especially inspiring Dollydaydream). About that time (october) I finally cut contact and ignored his texts etc He then started contacting me alot and in november did the whole 'Ive made a mistake can we work it out' foolishly I saw him, but knew he would change his mind again.. which he did a week later. This set me back completely.

Anyway- skipping to it! I have had an amazing few months since this has happened, really worked on myself and learnt so much about who I am, how to rebuild myself and how to move on from this through being positive and strong. Knowing that I will have a good life. It has been the making of me in some ways.
He has wanted to see me a lot recently. Each weekend for the last few weeks but I have not wanted to.. He sent an email this week as we were texting on saturday, and I had sent him info about what was happening with regards to the house that I am buying him out. I then spoke about how I have moved forward with my life and what I have realised..
He replied with this:
' I miss you massively you know. I still love you, I still care for you, and I want you to be happy as you deserve that. The last year has been shocking in so many ways and I am never going to feel good about how I have done things but it does make me realise how difficult I was finding things. And I still don't know why in truth. I can be about Sunday if you want to meet up.'

So the advice that I need is what to do with this.. I haven't responded so far.. I didn't put anything about wanting to meet up.I get that he misses me, i'm sure he does but..
I just don't know what to say.. There is so much that he is probably still blaming the marriage for rather than realising he walked into a distraction rather than addressing his feelings. I have done so much work to process it all and I don't think he has. Apart from yes i imagine he probably is much happier now! It is like he has gone back to where he was when we met- it still hurts and although part of me wants to see him and talk about things, I want to protect myself from hurt also.

Sorry this is long. I don't want to spend time talking about this with my friends as I am now trying to have a positive outlook to the future.
What should I do?! Is there any point to talking?!

fertilityagogo Fri 01-Feb-13 20:41:38

I wouldn't!!!
Focus on yourself. Remember how badly it set you back last time.

Is he still living with ow??

Xales Fri 01-Feb-13 20:43:03

How many times do you want him to let you down and change his mind?

Bet OW doesn't know he is offering to meet you. Do you fancy being the OW and being what she was to your relationship or do you think you are way better than this?

He doesn't want you.

He just wants you to want him and be hanging around for his ego and because no once else is as good as him (in his opinion) how could you move on and be happy with another man.

Complete dog in the manger.

twoshootingstars Fri 01-Feb-13 20:57:58

Yay! Thank you ladies.
I need reminding of this.
Yes he is still living and working with her. I know he doesn't want to be with me, but to be honest I still don't fully understand why, as ours was in no way a miserable marriage in the way I have, unfortunately,seen others with bad marriages. I guess I have to accept I will never fully understand that. But I don't think he comprehends how meeting someone else affected his view of the marriage.
And I don't know why he wants to still see me. I reckon he doesn't either, unless it is for those reasons Xales

dondon33 Fri 01-Feb-13 21:04:18

The only words you should say to him are - Fuck the fuck off.

Sorry to be blunt but he's let you down and hurt you before, don't give him the chance to do it again. Remember those feelings Two

He's probably realised that the grass absolutely isn't greener and wants to test the water with you.

I personally would end all contact with him or minimal if you have DC, I certainly wouldn't text, email or anything else.

From what you say in OP, you sound like you're past this, you sound positive and looking to the future - don't let him ruin it.
Take care x

Kaykat Fri 01-Feb-13 21:08:57

OP, you have written pretty much the story of my life these past eight months, new job, OW, blaming me, no remorse, then said he had made a mistake and only wanted me and all the time he was seeing at least four OW and they are just the ones I know about. Like you i am also just beginning to come out the other side with a more positive and happy life.

If you can sort things out by email I would continue to do that. He will hurt you again for sure. Even though you've been treated like dirt you find yourself missing him, I know what that's like. It's only natural when you've been with someone a long time and had a bombshell dropped on you that was so completely unexpected. It's going to take a while for your heart to come in line with your head. It sounds like he is still blaming his selfish actions on his difficult life. That kind of attitude will only make you frustrated and undermine your new positive life. And glad to hear you are going to get the house.

maleview70 Fri 01-Feb-13 21:32:36

Retain the power. Just reply saying no thanks I'm ok without meeting up. No explanation required.

He is the type who likes the thought of having two women doting on him.

He has hurt you twice! Don't let it happen again. No one is worth that.

When you say we were happy, he can't have been as happy ad you or he wouldn't have even looked at someone else.

Lovingfreedom Fri 01-Feb-13 21:39:13

Take this as a compliment that you are managing brilliantly without him..keep up the good work and don't look back. Tell him to fuck himself no thank you you are busy. Take care and good luck. X

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 01-Feb-13 21:48:24

Perhaps the stronger you get the more he is starting to appreciate what he is missing. Once you show any signs of weakness in wanting him back, he will very likely back off again. He needs to know he can have you back if he so wishes.

I think what maleview70 says - no thanks I'm ok without meeting up.

Although, I dare say this message will keep him keen.

twoshootingstars Fri 01-Feb-13 22:01:18

Thanks everyone, I am grateful for the words of support.

Yes, maleview70 I totally get that..
And again he has every right if he was unhappy in the marriage to his feelings.
I remember waking up one morning and my first thought was he must have been massively unhappy to have done this. I guess along the way we lost our connection because he was so into his new job and the excitement of going out all the time, or maybe even before that when I was going through a tough time. I recognise all this, and have truly had a lot to forgive myself for. But I have worked to find peace with it and not blame myself anymore. Just learn from it all- which is all you can do I guess.
Looking back there were warning signs but I was too naieve and trusting to recognise them. And circumstances can bring someone into your life that flatters you or boosts your ego when a relationship is just ticking along. I read alot about midlife crises and affairs and the script and on here, that really helped me so much!
I'm sure he carries a lot of guilt about how it happened. But unfortunately for me, without someone letting you know or saying - actually there are things I am unhappy about, or giving you a chance to work on changing whatever makes you unhappy, it's kinda tough. Ironically a few weeks before he left, we went away and had what I thought was the best weekend since our wedding day. Looking back now, he was already conflicted because he was in the affair. But at the time it was truly amazingly joyous..So I don't know what that was about.

Anyway, I guess what I don't want to do with him is to go over what went wrong with our marriage. I have done that enough for myself and do my best to forgive myself and learn from it all.

twoshootingstars Fri 01-Feb-13 22:10:42

Kaykat
Go us! Here's to a new positive life eh?! I gained so much from reading others experiences. Was quite incredible,really.. to see the strength and self awareness that comes from this.
Someone said to me how would you ever trust anyone again, but I am determined not to let this all taint my future and have done my best not to be bitter or vicious about it. I guess I have learnt a hell of a lot about what it means to sustain a relationship so I have definitely grown and become a wiser person.. hopefully!!!

fertilityagogo Fri 01-Feb-13 22:31:00

Just to add that my uncle did this to my aunt after leaving her for the ow.

It went on for YEARS ( I want you back, no, never mind, I dont want you back, etc, on and on and on)

It was after 40 years of marriage and made her ill.

She finally told him to eff the eff off (as suggested by an earlier poster) and has done so well. Friends, grandchildren, a full life. He is still a bit miserable but she has moved on!!

fiventhree Fri 01-Feb-13 22:40:59

I think that what wants is what you provide AND what she does. Because he cares more about his own needs than either of yours. He is a self centred prick. Treat him as such and stay away.

Mimishimi Fri 01-Feb-13 22:50:28

I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of a 'no thanks', would just ignore it which is more likely to drive him crazy (eg' has she met someone else?'). Do the two of you have kids where you have to remain in contact with each other? Would be a bit odd otherwise.

twoshootingstars Fri 01-Feb-13 23:07:06

No children..
i won't reply..I've been minimal with the contact really. He has contacted me recently about various things, mainly practical some to do with a mutual friend. Only at the weekend he wanted to see me that day but I said to email instead, and so we started 'chatting' via text. It was weird.
I must admit I have found it hard to actually initiate the divorce but I must now. It has been enough to get through emotionally.

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Sat 02-Feb-13 03:57:59

It reads to me as guilt. It doesn't sound as though he wants to get back together tbh (sorry) it sounds as though he is aware on some level what an arse he is and wants to do something to make him feel better about himself.

In this case either

a) ignore him (if you WANT him to just feel guilty, by the sound of things he bloody should)
Or
B) respond saying, 'thanks but the best way to help me is to leave me alone to get on with a new (better) life without you'

Slippersox Sat 02-Feb-13 07:07:13

You sound an amazing person.And so strong.You have done so well.I totally identify with the 'how could we ever fix things if you never told me they were broken' sentiment.ie.my DH kept saying how great it was to be just the two of us when youngest went to uni and things seemed fine, not wildly exciting as we had some business,money and family worries ,but fine between us.Turns out OW was already on the scene at work and the secrecy about meet ups and lots of daily texting had already started.The flattery and attention and distraction she provided from daily problems were too irresistible and it happened gradually with boundaries slowly blurring.
Without boring you with details we stayed together but it was a close call for me.I don't think I was weak to forgive -it can take a lot of strength to stay and work things through-but I will never forget and that's sad because tbh part of my hearts's closed of to him forever.But our circumstances are very different. It hadn't been a physical affair.We have DCs and a joint business that in present economic situation would be almost impossible disentangle.Plus as soon as I found out DH severed all contact with OW and has made monumental efforts to repair the damage.Anything less than that and it would have been the end for me.
In your case though you have come and from your posts it would be a massive setback to let him back into your life any more than absolutely essential for the house sale and final arrangements.Be proud and get on with your exciting new life.You deserve it.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 02-Feb-13 08:13:10

I stayed with my DH after his affair - but then he ended the affair as soon as he was found out, went to individual counselling and worked hard on addressing his issues and character traits. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through and have at times thought it would be easier to walk away from it all and there is no way I could have got over it, if he continued his affair & went to live with OW.

The fact that your ex is going behind OW's back is just skanky - you deserve far more than this cheating lying twat who will always going to put his own needs first. There no way you should be happy about being OW's sloppy seconds.

A lot of the stuff he is saying is classic cheater - rewriting history, blaming you and refusing to take responsibility for his shitty behaviour. I believe you when you say that things were good just before his affair - no marriage is ever perfect and he only has himself to blame for his own "unhappiness". He cheated because he wanted to.

Slippersox Sat 02-Feb-13 08:56:26

Sorry last bit meant to say you've come so very far.Agree with Mads post.Keep strong.

izzyizin Sat 02-Feb-13 09:06:45

It's time to put the lid on it, honey, and if you're entited to legal aid you need to act sooner rather than later as it won't be available in divorce/family proceedings after the end of March this year

balia Sat 02-Feb-13 09:18:06

I would respond with -

"We really only need to be in contact to discuss practical issues and thankfully we can do that without meeting up. I'm not judging you or your partner, but my sense of morality makes me very uncomfortable with the idea of us meeting up without your partner's knowledge. If you ask again I'm going to be sending her copies of these texts. Perhaps you would be happier if you tried committing to a faithful relationship?"

but I'm a bitch

Walkacrossthesand Sat 02-Feb-13 10:14:23

God, this is taking me back! My ex left for OW 20 years ago (allegedly only EA at point of departure though I'll never know if that's true), and I was only informed how unhappy he'd been and how deficient I'd been as a wife, after he'd gone. What follows may sound strange, but in one sense having an ex come sniffing around is flattering for you isn't it - gives you some affirmation that there was more value in the marriage than he's claiming. I've never had that - there was one 'wobble' as he was leaving, and since then he has never for one second indicated that he in any way regrets what he did (leaving wife & 3 DCs under 5). Which used to (still does a bit, TBH - especially as I'm still single) make me feel a bit rubbish about my partnering ability. Sorry to derail thread - as you were, please!

Flipper924 Sat 02-Feb-13 10:32:34

OP, your story is very similar to mine, except that my ex has never wanted to come back, but then I think he knows I'd laugh him to the other side of wherever if he tried. I would simply reply that you have no need to chat to him, thanks, or just ignore. You've come along way, and I wish you strength to continue your journey.

Walkacrossthesand, I don't believe that it is flattering to have him sniffing around. On the contrary, I think I would be offended that he thought I was so hooked on him that I couldn't see what an arse he'd been, and so stupid that I'd consider going back to someone like him! I think OP's ex is going back to soothe his own guilt, because he wants to think that he is a nice person really, whereas I suspect your ex, like mine, knows exactly what a shit he is, and hasn't come sniffing around because he doesn't want mean old you to tell him that.

dondon33 Sat 02-Feb-13 12:17:39

The more posts I read from you OP, the more I'm sure that your head is screwed on. What you wrote yesterday (22.01 and the one after) Wow!!

You give praise (might I add where it's due) to other posters on these boards but believe me, your own will be be read by women who think you are strong, brave and so very inspirational.

Mad hits the nail on the head, completely.

Also give some serious thought to what Izzy posted.
I can completely understand why you've not started proceedings yet, it's a huge enough turmoil without immediately starting the divorce ball rolling. However, if you're ready now it will provide your H with finality, the end result of his bastard selfish actions and that you're ready to properly move on with your life without him being any part of it.

I've actually known a few guys who think that because exW hasn't/won't start the divorce then - 'she must still love me' 'she does want me back, she just needs time' !! When the truth couldn't be further from their own fucked up reality.

Stay strong and continue down your own path, the one you're now making for yourself, don't allow him to cross it again and set you back.
Good luck x

Charbon Sat 02-Feb-13 14:27:07

It is absolute nonsense that if someone was happy in their relationship, they wouldn't even look at someone else.

Trust your memories and don't doubt them OP.

What you're seeing now is a very familiar story about an addictive infatuation that has now lost its shine and your exh is coming out of the fog about that and realising how much he was re-writing history to justify his actions.

But the best thing to do is to tell him you have moved on and don't want to rekindle even a friendship, because friends don't treat eachother in this way. He hasn't learnt a single thing about his own character if he is now looking to be unfaithful to the OW.

It will give you such strength on top of what you have so magnificently gained, to tell him that you are not interested.

A fitting end to the story, too.

duffybeatmetoit Sat 02-Feb-13 16:28:38

Charbon - I think trusting your happy memories is one of the hardest things to do. XH has destroyed mine and I have found it easier just to write them off and accept that my life wasn't what I thought it was. It has freed me to move on.

OP - you are doing really well - like the others as there are no dcs involved I would restrict contact to business emails and nothing else. It can be hard when there are mutual friends that you both see but I think the same rules apply as with dcs. Keep it civil, don't slag off the ex and don't try and get them to take sides. (not that you were asking for advice on that). Stay strong.

Charbon Sat 02-Feb-13 17:48:58

It's good that writing off your memories has freed you duffy but IME it's much more productive to look at the situation rationally and instead of thinking that you were living a lie and had poor judgement about the happiness in your relationship for years, think back to when your partner started living a lie and distorting reality to fit his new circumstances. I've found it really helpful to get people talking about their memories before their partners met someone else, focusing particularly on what their partners were saying and doing as regards the relationship, during those times. This often proves to them that their partners were lying to themselves as much as them, with their claims of longstanding but unexpressed unhappiness. With the conclusion that there was a very good reason why a partner failed to express his unhappiness before his affair.

It didn't exist

duffybeatmetoit Sat 02-Feb-13 18:58:15

Charbon - but I don't know when he first got involved with someone else. I know of 2 OW plus an EA but there could have been more. I found I was torturing myself trying to work out when he had been happy. One of my fondest memories of a trip we had together but I now know he was in the midst of an affair at the time. I looked at how he was when we married and through new eyes I can see that he wasn't happy then. It's less damaging for me just to write it off, but that's just me.

Charbon Sat 02-Feb-13 22:16:52

Ah duffy, repeat philanderers are never really happy whoever they are with, but that unhappiness comes from within and can never be counteracted by just one person or one relationship. If setting yourself free means feeling no responsibility for his behaviour, that's good.

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