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Turning Tavern

(89 Posts)
outtaleftfield Fri 01-Feb-13 15:25:05

Hi I am new to this and could do with some advise, is there anyone out there who was on the previous Turning Tavern threads?

I haven't been on any of the previous threads as they seemed too fast moving for me crap typer grin
But hi <waves> I'll jump on this one early and try to keep up grin

outtaleftfield Fri 01-Feb-13 20:52:52

Is anyone else married and yet suddenly finds themselves attracted to another woman for the first time in their lives?

redrobin030 Fri 01-Feb-13 23:34:59

Hi i am in this situation and it has not been easy. My attraction to another woman has led me into serious depression even though to begin with it was wonderful to feel in love, overwhelming and unexpected. I'm sure i could offer you some advice and support.

MajesticWhine Fri 01-Feb-13 23:37:32

Yes, I was on those threads, although probably with a different name. I am married to a man, but bisexual. What advice do you need?

OneMoreGo Sat 02-Feb-13 00:06:06

Hey, I was on some of the earlier TT threads under another name. I only realised I liked women in my late twenties. Hope you can get some good advice here smile

MyelinSheath Sat 02-Feb-13 07:48:16

I was on the earlier TT threads under a different name.
I started off liking a few women then realised I was a lesbian. I separated from my husband and am currently in a relationship with a woman. I have a 6yr old daughter too.
Happy to help where I can.

outtaleftfield Sat 02-Feb-13 09:53:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreGo Sat 02-Feb-13 10:55:48

I would initially say that if you are happily married and don't plan to leave your husband, then it would be wise not to pursue this any further - and I'd say that to anyone, gay or straight.

It is perfectly possible to be largely straight and just get a thumping great crush on one person who is a woman. Especially if they seem to be giving you the emotional attention and appreciation that you perhaps aren't getting within your marriage. It's also totally possible that this is the beginning of a greater awakening in terms of your sexuality, and that's fine too.

What are you hoping to gain by talking to her if you don't plan to leave your husband - does it really matter whether she is ragingly gay and very interested, or straight as anything? Perhaps you could make a joke of your crush by telling her in the hopes of diffusing it, although I'd probably also joke about it to your husband otherwise you risk creating the sort of situation where you and she have a big exciting 'secret' that excludes him, and that would damage your marriage further.

That is just my twopence worth, feel free to disregard it smile Obviously if you were single or separating my advice would be very different!

ManInBeige Sat 02-Feb-13 11:21:34

If it was a dad at the schol, what would everybody be saying? Stay away, probably. Good luck, anyway.

outtaleftfield Sat 02-Feb-13 11:30:02

Thank you Onemorego. I hear you and agree with all you have said. The problem is that I find my feelings for this woman are bigger than anything at times, I have never felt an attraction like it. The thought of separating from my husband over this feels too crazy right now, but it just won't go away. I have tried not seeing her for periods of time, but when we meet up again the feelings come thumping back. Plus it is hard with the kids being best friends to not see each other. I am hoping by telling her I will get some control on the situation, whichever way that goes. Then I can make some decisions. to hear from other people who have been through a similar thing would be really helpful, I am hoping it will help me decide whether to say something or not.

MajesticWhine Sat 02-Feb-13 13:34:45

It sounds like she's toying with you a bit, and yes, if it was a man everyone would stay well clear. I wouldn't bring it up with her, she sounds like trouble. Telling her might mean she laughs it off, and indicates that she is not interested, or it might lead to an affair. Do you want either of those outcomes?

It is natural and normal to feel attracted to someone of the same sex (in my world), but it can be quite mindblowing and confusing if its the first time it happened to you. But just because it's another woman, doesn't make it any less damaging to embark on an affair. Nor is it less of a betrayal of your H.
If you want to get control of the situation, maybe you could bring it up with your husband. If this seems impossible, what about talking it through with a counsellor? I guess you are not getting what you need at home, and this fantasy is a way of trying to deal with that. I would spend some time working on that. Trying to improve the relationship and get a bit more of the love you need.

MyelinSheath Sat 02-Feb-13 14:05:45

Your situation brings back memories for me. I too had no intention of leaving my husband to begin with. My feelings were overwhelming for the woman I had a crush on, and I knew she was gay, but she was also in a committed relationship and I would never have approached her because of that. I got myself very wound up in knots about her, I cried more over her than I ever have over anything. But ultimately, it was something which was just in my head and it was more about the fact that I was coming to terms with my sexuality than about her specifically. I still know her now, and can look at her and wonder why she had such a hold on me. She's nice but not hugely special.
If you're serious about not wanting to leave your husband, I would stay away from her as much as possible. I told my husband about my crush at the time, do you think you could tell yours? Perhaps he could help by doing the pick ups and drop offs when the kids play together.
If she is interested, you're in trouble. If she's not, you could make things very awkward. Decide what you want first. I couldn't ignore my feelings and ended up coming out and leaving my marriage. I still didn't get the woman I was lusting after. Take your woman out of the picture and see how you feel.

outtaleftfield Sat 02-Feb-13 16:47:06

I am very grateful for your comments. I don't know much about the Turning Tavern but from the little I have read I know it is a place that one can be completely honest. I am totally aware that if this was about a man it would be the same and I know what I am writing about is wrong. It seems somehow separate from my normal life, which is probably how any potential affair feels.

As i have said before this has been going on for me for over 3 years, I have tried hard to get beyond it, last summer I was able to go nearly 3 months without seeing her, I paid for cabs to pick up my kids from her house ( we live in the country) I said I couldn't as was too busy with work, I arranged to be out when she dropped them back, but through this 'it' still controlled me. Our kids are in quite a successful band together and they gig every 8 weeks or so and I don't want to miss that. If I could get completely away from her it would be easier. We share a similar social group as everyone knows each other where I live.

Her hold over me is so strong that of course it makes me question a lot of things. I have come close to telling my husband, but I feel that he wouldn't take it at all well, he can make things worse not better and I don't think I could take that on.

Myelin, did you ever talk things through with the woman you mention?

outtaleftfield Sat 02-Feb-13 17:17:07

Redrobin, if it's not too painful could you tell me what happened with you?

pollyblue Sat 02-Feb-13 18:30:52

Another from the original Tavern here waves

If you speak to her about this it will probably go one of maybe three ways - she will laugh it off/say you're imagining things or she will become hostile or she will say 'yes, i fancy you and want to take things further'.

Have you thought through these possibilties in your head, as dispassionately as you can?

As this has been going on for three years, and you feel you can't speak to your DH, I think talking to a counsellor might be an idea.

outtaleftfield Sat 02-Feb-13 19:19:31

Hi Pollyblue,

I have just started talking to a councillor, she has been really helpful. She can tell how stuck I am and agrees that after this period of time the best way to help know how i feel would be to talk to her. It has got to the stage where if she were to laugh it off and say she hasn't got a clue where I am coming from although the humiliation would be awful at least I would know and I can start to get over it, it would be truly horrendous but I just can't stay in the place that I am. If she were to say she felt the same i am sure it would be just as confusing for her as it is for me but at least I knew I wasn't going crazy, then I don't know what would happen and agree that is potentially the absolute worst outcome. If she got hostile, then hopefully it would break the spell for me. I have tried to think through the scenarios as dispassionatly as I can but find it so difficult to do that.

The situation as it is not good for me, I am not sleeping and am starting to feel depressed which is a feeling I have never had. I didn't go looking for this and wish it had never come into my life, I want to get back to myself.

MyelinSheath Sat 02-Feb-13 19:22:21

No, I never did talk things through with her and I don't feel the need to anymore. It was a massive crush, but it has passed. It would feel somewhat ridiculous to say anything to her as I see her now as a colleague that I very much respect, and I value the input she does/could have on my career far more than anything else about her.
I think you have to look within yourself to work out what to do. For me it was right to explore it further and eventually leave my husband as I was gay. If you're not, and really have no intention of ever leaving, it would be dangerous to explore things further. However, if you think you might be gay, you wouldn't be alone in your situation. After I came out I spoke to a large number of women who were also married with children when they realised they were gay. It was often when they met a particular woman that they realised.
I can recommend a couple of books for you, will get the titles and post shortly.

MyelinSheath Sat 02-Feb-13 19:25:37

Married Women Who Love Women by Carren Strock

Late Bloomers (Awaking to Lesbianism After Forty) by Robin McCoy

The first one was my favourite of the two and basically just contained lots and lots of women's stories, many of whom are still with their husbands.

Gay40 Sat 02-Feb-13 20:13:48

I pop in and out of the TT threads. Out lesbian from birth, so I just try to support where I can.

MyelinSheath Sat 02-Feb-13 22:37:29

Gay came out of her mother's womb with a rainbow flag smile

outtaleftfield Sun 03-Feb-13 10:56:26

Thank you Myelin for posting those books, I will look into getting them. I am sure if I left those by the side of the bed it would be a short cut to a discussion with my husband!

followyourjoy Sun 03-Feb-13 11:41:06

hi outta.....on reading your post I just wanted to put a different perspective/spin on your situation. I understand it must be quite frustrating to have these enormous feelings and no true understanding on where they will take you (yet). Instead of driving yourself to the point of insanity and maybe depression, try not to identify with the feelings; just watch them unfold in all their glory, accept them on a deep level and don't resist them. You will notice that "you" (your essence) are not your feelings, it's when you attach yourself to them and identify with them that you get into difficulties. This does take some work but their are plenty of books written about waking up and consciousness which can guide you. It sounds to me like you've had an awakening of the spirit. Life is about learning and developing your soul, and these challenges come along to help us on this journey. What seems like it is an almighty mess at the time, can actually be a fantastic lesson in self-development. We are supposed to FEEL as we are having a physical experience. We have no real concept of how vast we really are and our enormous potential, which is limitless. Trust that the universe is giving you a gift and know on a deep level that you don't get given anything you can't handle. Sometimes you need a shake up, to wake you up to something bigger and greater than you think you are. Go with it, breathe and don't buy into the fear factor...that would be your ego which doesn't want you to be expansive. Love is an amazing gift and anyone who ignites this feeling in you is just a mirror. Really the lesson is to unconditionally love and accept yourself and see how wonderful you are. This might sound very unfamiliar...but I think that you can get caught up in the why's and what to do's....try doing nothing, just accept the feelings and sit with them, don't resist them , don't necessarily act on them. If you are comfortable with them they will pass. The mental torment is just that you are trying to work something out in your head, when all along, this is about the heart and you don't need to "do" anything. Once you reach the place of acceptance....the rest will fall into place. The outcome will be so much better for you, if you are relaxed about these will take the focus away from the other woman, you will see that the love is in you, she is just showing you something amazing. There doesn't have to be any more to this....that is in itself a beautiful thing. Good luck!

outtaleftfield Sun 03-Feb-13 17:53:20

Dear followyourjoy. I don't know what to say, what you have written has profoundly touched me. I have read it about 5 times and will need to read it some more to understand it all, but I felt every word that you have written and I feel lighter and happier than I have felt in a long time. Can I ask you what you mean by 'love is an amazing gift and anyone that ignites this in you is just a mirror'

Thankyou so much for taking the time to write this to me, it was so generous of you and you have really, really helped me. xx

followyourjoy Sun 03-Feb-13 21:28:54

Hi Outta....You're so welcome ~I am very happy to have helped you, that's really fantastic.
I will try my very best to answer your question, but it's quite deep. What I think it means in your situation, is that the woman you feel for has ignited a strong feeling in you, call it love, desire, longing. Think about this....she has ignited the flame within you but she is not the flame, YOU are the flame. She has simply held up a mirror and is reflecting back a part of you which needs some attention . Maybe she feels the same, maybe not...but in the end I don't think you should tie yourself up in knots trying to work that out. Love is a could be a gift for you to reclaim your inner power and reflect that back to whom so ever you chose! Maybe it will be your husband, maybe her, maybe everyone around you! The important thing is to be positive about it, and free yourself from the mind's attachments which can often become kind of compulsive and more like a prison than anything helpful or joyous..xx

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