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Was I wrong and what do I do now. I can't think straight

(83 Posts)

Hi all

I've been with dp for 9 years we have dd 4( nearly 5)

I have a history of abusive partners but dp has never been anything but safe

He had a very tough time when dd was born, I've posted about it before but after 2 very bad years I thought we were through it and for the last 2 years he had been a good dad

Over the weekend dd didn't want to get dressed ( back ground she had the night before been give a new set if pjs they where pink with hearts a hood and built in feet plus they where über soft) anyway I had been explaining to dd that if she didn't get changed she couldn't go out to the park

Dp came into the room listened for 5 secs and lost the plot he got down on her face a bodily screamed at her for maybe 2 mins ie as long as it took me to standup and walk over to them. I said stop you are frightening her ( he was frightening me) and tried to get between them and dp push me back and screamed in my face to back him up or go away. He then picked dd up and ran up stairs with her and continued to scream at her and then I heard him slap her

I went up stairs and managed to convince do to let me get dd dressed he wondered about shocking socks on her ect and then went down stairs and didn't speak to me or dd and we left 30 min later after I had calm dd down

Now later on dp and I had a chat and I told him I was reconsidering our relationship and he told me I was over reacting and that what he did was my fault

Dp did not have a good childhood

But I don't know what I think or feel at the moment I feel panicky if I have to leave dd and dp alone together

schobe Fri 01-Feb-13 08:08:21

For me he'd be out the door for the screaming alone, never mind the slapping. Absolutely not overreacting, social services would be interested in this. He should be contrite, not trying to deflect blame to you. Bad childhood may be a reason but is not an excuse.

Xales Fri 01-Feb-13 08:09:11

That he blames you and not himself says it all.

He started screaming at your DD before you went over how can that be your fault.

I think this is serious enough for you to tell him he goes to the doctor for help and/or the next time he does that your marriage is over.

No child should be screamed at and slapped.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Feb-13 08:14:01

This is very, very serious. The man sounds utterly unstable and dangerous. This 'tough time' for two years when your DD was born. What happened then? People rarely go from normal to abusive overnight, so are you saying he had behavioural problems then but you chose to brush it under the carpet? Have you been making excuses and allowances because of his 'bad childhood'?

Please get yourself and your DD safe and away from this person. She must have been terrified. Womens Aid, police DV unit, whatever it takes.

foihnula Fri 01-Feb-13 08:14:02

That was NOT your fault. And he's just saying so to shift the blame (which is pretty bad but not uncommon). He's a grown man, who should have either removed himself from the situation if he knew he was going to flip or keep himself under control. Just because it was more threatening than physical it doesn't mean it won't do any harm.

I know it's a horrible situation but maybe just try to think of it from her point of view alone (forget your DP, he can leave the situation, she has no control). Where is it going? Is it likely to happen again etc. It's always worth talking to someone outside the home/social circle to help you out a bit if you think you're being oversensitive etc. (Sorry if I sound extreme btw, just an issue close to my heart). Best of luck x

foihnula Fri 01-Feb-13 08:16:07

(P.S I'd have been out the door at lightening speed! Under no circumstance is that acceptable, even towards an adult, let alone a child. So please don't be complicit in it, for your DDs sake)

worldgonecrazy Fri 01-Feb-13 08:19:18

You were not wrong. Your partner has just shown his true colours. He has hit your child and threatened you, and then tried to blame you.

You are not to blame, your child is 2 years old. (Though unrealistic expectations are never an excuse for violence.)

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, you need to make sure you and your DD go somewhere safe, not just short term but long term. You need to be somewhere that you don't need to live in fear of this happening again.

No you are not overreacting.

I don't have personal experience of Abusive partners but that would ring massive alarm bells for me i'm afraid.

I have had some massive rows with my DH over the past twenty years but he has NEVER pushed me or got in my face, ever.

FirstTimeForEverything Fri 01-Feb-13 08:23:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thanks for all the comments.

To answers some questions.

I took DD and I as fast as I could out of the home.

I got DD calm (gave her a massive hug) and utter an sentence that I never throught I would "Its ok sweetie, don´t worry, be quiet and we will get in the car and go to granny and grandads"

I also had a job to do that had to be done that morning,

But I went straight from home with DD to my parents, and I told my dad (who I could get on my own away from DD) everything that had happened that morning. As I wanted them to know incase DD said anything.

I went and Spoke to a friend (Male) and explained everything that happened to find out about Social Services, Child protection, Police etc. as I am NOT in the UK and needed to know where I stood.

I came back home maybe 4 hours after I left with DD, and spoke to DP, who said it was my faulth (as he disagrees with my parenting method ie explaining consequence to DD and NOT forcing her), That he didn´t push me he "kept me away from dd" that he could not promise never to lose his temper again. That 9 years is good going for not losing temper, and that I was over acting massively to be considering ending our relationship.

I did also point out that I did do the tough parenting that he won´t do. ie it was me that got DD to sleep through the night and in her own bed, it was me that got DD settled in School, etc.etc

I told him that he HAD to appologise to DD and if it happened again I would through him out.

I have also told DD that she can tell any grown up at any time if she is frightened or scared and that I will always protector and I will NEVER be cross if she tells a grownup anything.

Cognito.

The though time for the first to years of DD life was in NO way similar to this, he just seemed to hate her (I think that is the first time I have described it as hate) ie he would walk out of the room if DD and I walked into it, he woke me up in the middle of the night and said "your dd is crying" and went back to bed, the only time I left him to look after DD I was in the shower (had showered in over a week) I left DD with him for 5 mins tops and he had walked out of the house to have a fag and left her (she was 1week old maybe 10days) I slept in with DD and he has our bedroom and he unplugged the baby monitor so if I ever needed help he didn´t hear. He wouldn´t cuddle her etc. I posted a lot on here at the time (different user name) and was pretty much told he is confused, new parent doesn´t know what to do with her etc.etc.etc.

Two points which may be important.

1 I lost a lot of blood when DD was born, Doctors told DP to call my parents as I wouldn´t make it through the night. I was very badly anmaemic for the first 18 months of DD life and had to have regulary tranfusions etc

2 I am disabled, and although I am strong I am no where near as strong as DP the stairs are difficult for me and I normally use crutches etc.

Locketjuice Fri 01-Feb-13 08:50:33

I wouldn't have a man that shouted at my son let alone smacked!

It's awful!

Tell him to sort it out and either he agrees it will never happen again and therefore admitting fault or leave.

Poor little girl! confused

Locketjuice Fri 01-Feb-13 08:52:13

Hadnt read properly.

Leave him! He's a bully! Don't let your little girl be around that!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Feb-13 08:52:49

"The though time for the first to years of DD life was in NO way similar to this, he just seemed to hate her "

How is that not similar to this? 'Hate' or at least a total absence of love, seems to describe very well what just happened. Doesn't matter if he had a bad childhood, was a confused new father, doesn't even matter if on some subconscious level he blames your baby for making you seriously ill.... what matters is that he is unstable and you and your DD should not be subjected to his behaviour.

It is not your fault that this happened but he is really the latest in your long line of abusive men as partners. He is showing you his true colours. Blaming you is classic; he is absolving himself of all responsibility for his own actions here. This person is not worth any of pity; many people have poor childhoods and do not end up becoming abusive themselves.

I think you and your DD need to get this man out of your lives asap and Womens Aid can and will help you here.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. How is it that you yourself have a history of abusive partners?. That needs addressing now and properly by you.

To this end I would enroll on the Womens Aids Freedom Programme; was wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up. I daresay you saw a lot of abuse too and have learnt many damaging lessons about relationships. This all has to be unlearnt or you could well run the risk of continually picking low lifes who actually can spot and target a women with low self esteem and worth at 100 paces.

targaryen24 Fri 01-Feb-13 08:55:19

If you feel that you can't leave him because you'll find some everyday tasks hard then please contact social services. They'll help you! And there's no excuse, seriously. The background info just makes it even sadder sad You don't want your DD feeling like she's caused his reaction to her in general and in turn blaming herself too. She's just a kid and needs you to act for her on this. Wishing you so much luck and strength x

BertieBotts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:01:43

He thinks it's fine, doesn't he? sad FFS, "9 years is good going for not losing temper" - not to this extent it isn't!

Are you really going to wait for it to happen again? He's just told you that it will. I know you say that he has never been abusive before but look at the way he's reacted to it - that's extremely telling.

A normal caring parent who had lost it and screamed or slapped their child would feel mortified and upset with themselves. He's acting as though his actions were justified (which probably means that he thinks that they are.) - Not that it's relevant if you've both always been against it, but is physical punishment usual in the country that you're in?

He's also blamed you for what has happened which is utter bollocks. You weren't the one screaming in your DD's face. This is a giant red flag.

Lastly, I'll repeat again. He has told you he will do it again. He stated that he "can't promise" he won't lose his temper again. When someone tells you what they are like, listen to them.

Why are you giving him another chance to hurt and frighten her? He's not a child who deserves a chance to redeem their behaviour before being punished, he knows what he did was wrong, and in any case, it's not about him, it's about your DD.

BTW the other stuff about him being disengaged from her is very telling about his attitude towards her (and you) too. I think if you posted that same thread about his behaviour towards her as a baby now, you'd get different replies. Mumsnet has changed quite a lot in the last few years - I posted about abusive XP when DS was a baby as well and was told that he just needed more confidence etc. It's more likely to be recognised now as a red flag or at least as them being unsupportive to you - did you see the thread recently about whether or not it's possible to have a shower, eat etc with a newborn? It's not normal for a mother of a newborn with a partner not to be able to shower for a week.

sad Sorry.

BertieBotts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:02:15

Atilla OP is not in the UK.

BertieBotts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:04:15

And your DD is a child and does deserve that chance. Not to just be punished on his whim as soon as he deems she is misbehaving.

The bloody stupid thing is I am such a tough no nonsence kind of person.

I had two abusive partners in the past. the last one I hit as I was certain he was going to kill me. My next partner litterally gave me back to me. He saved me in every way that is worth saving (he died)

none of my parents / grandparents have bought me up in abusive relationships. But I do have "self" worth issues. not in work, or with friends but I do have a tendency to not feel worthy of DP, I have had some weight issues in the past which I am still working on. I have LOTS of male friends good friends but I have never really been a that good at beliveing I am worthy of a relationship.

I tell dd how beautiful she is every day (and she is simply gorgerous)

I just can´t think striaght at the moment about DP, and we are "supposed" to be getting married in 3 weeks.

We have put up with so much and got through so much together and I just don´t know what to do.

I want dd to be happy and safe more than anything in the world,

Of crap its such a mess.

Oh and here phyiscal punishment is NOT the norm.

Children are very much loved, but they have the up most respect for their parents. I have seen children smacked. running out into the road or in other dangerous situations but not through anger.

Dp is back so it is going to be a little tricky to post for a while but I will be back and I can read the posts.

He is NOT a fan of MN.

Hi Bertie

Pity she is not in the UK but hopefully the OP can access similar types of service in her country of residence.

I saw that re not being in the UK only after I had posted.

brainonastick Fri 01-Feb-13 09:28:17

I would definitely NOT get married to him, but i think you know that.

If he can't see why what he did was wrong, then you have no alternative but to leave.

You sound like you have been very strong for your daughter, I'm sure you can carry on being strong for her.

What are your rights and support in the country you are in? Are there any major obstacles to leaving that you need to think through?

I bet he isn't a fan of Mumsnet.

The more you say about him the worse he sounds sad

mummywithnosleep

No abusive man is a fan on MN.

Think this guy is the latest in a line of men doing a number on you. Your inherent low sense of self worth (probably from having relationships with abusive men) has come from somewhere and it needs to be properly addressed now otherwise you will continue to have relationships with men who turn out to be abusive like this current man.

Who made you not think you are "worthy"?. When did that train of thought start?. Of course you are worthy, certainly more worthy than the abuser you are currently with but you need to truly believe that for your own self.

Love your own self for a change and do not rely on someone to try and rescue and or save you. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship as neither approach works.

He has shown no contrition for his actions and blames you for his behaviour. He just wants you to put up and shut up and yes he has told you as much he will do this again. He wants absolute control over you and your child; he does not give a toss for either of you.

You are on crutches yet you are seemingly living in a residence with stairs?. This could be seen as yet another way of isolating and further controlling you. Was that his idea to move in to this home?.

This is no ideal role model for your DD to be following and learning from is it?.

You cannot marry this man under any circumstances!!.

Which country are you in?. Even naming a continent may be helpful if you do not want to name the country.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 01-Feb-13 09:34:31

Yep he is NOT a fan of MN because he knows we would tell you to leave him because he is an emotionally and physically abusive arsehole.

He assaulted your baby after screaming in her face. Why the fuck are you still there?

And the 'tough' two years sounds like an abusive two years.

smornintime Fri 01-Feb-13 09:36:18

This is horrid. I would have trouble staying put if my DH acted this way. I hope you can find some RL support to help you get out if that is what you decide (and I hope it is).
What will you do re the wedding?

smornintime Fri 01-Feb-13 09:37:11

What will you do re the wedding?

Forget I said that...it's off, surely

worldgonecrazy Fri 01-Feb-13 09:39:37

Of course he's not a fan of mumsnet -he doesn't want you having any support (classic abusive behaviour).

You know he's going to do it again but you're staying? That breaks my heart, it really does.

I just want to back up what Bertie was saying. None of that is in any way normal or ok. I'm married to a man who was subjected to this sort of treatment as a child. He still suffers because of it. just yesterday he asked me what did he do to deserve it and why did nobody try and save him. Do you want to hear your daughter say that to you in 10 or 15 years?

AllThatGlistens Fri 01-Feb-13 09:42:28

Oh my god, I'm so afraid for you and your DD sad

There are always amazing people on this board to offer advice, please, please keep reading and posting if you can.

You know this isn't sustainable, don't you? It's terribly unhealthy and an awful, awful situation for your little girl to be in. Please don't think this is normal, he had absolutely no right to subject you or your DD to abusive behaviour like that.

You did absolutely the right thing in telling your parents and asking for advice, now you need to safeguard yourself.

Protect your DD, protect yourself, and please, please get away from this awful excuse of a man sad

My own self worth come from Childhood.

The family set up was not the norm, I moved from Devon to Surrey, I was over weight caused by medication, I was clever (Sat my alevels at 14 clever)
Kids can be crule both metally and physically. My parents never really did enough to try and protect me from my problems with other kids.

Kids landed me in hospital for 12 weeks my mother visited twice my father once and once only.

After my accidenct I developed epilepsy and my Dad tried to have my committed. As I was clearly mentally ill NOT epileptic!

I have a sever spinal injury, but I can do anything I put my mind to. I work full time 7 days a week in a semi physical job, I live on very strong pain killers (patches not tablets) and a hand full of tablets everyday for epilepsy and my other medical conditions.

I am cruthes and NOT in a wheel chair because I will NOT give up, the docotors can´t seem to find any reason I am still standing and walking. I am in a lot of pain most all the time but I managed, and I try my best never to let DD know (My moto is I am in Pain I do NOT need to be a pain)

The stupid thing is id DP was sorry and knew he was wrong we could have worked through it, instead I feel like I can´t work out which way is up!

He dislikes mums net, because "people can ruin other peoples lives by words on a scream" I like it cause sometimes I feel very alone and Mn lets me know that other people are alive. Sometimes I like to read about silly things, have a bit of a laugh etc, feel their are other people in the world with worse problems than mine and have a bit of ME time! MN lets me do that

I live on continental Europe where David Beckham become went to play football for a while

Do you need to make plans to cancel or at least postpone getting married ?

Am so sorry this has happened to you both.

Why do you feel very alone?

The thing is I have always felt so lucky to have my DP, he has been so wonderful, he has never ever given me any indication that this was even in him.

I stepped in a simialr situation when we were in the UK (different as in older child and physcial abuse) against his boss of all people.

I just can´t help thinking that there must be something wrong with him ie ill right now. But then he seems so "well I was wrong but justified" and it just throughs me again.

seperating now would be difficult, given where we live, DP would need to go back to the UK etc.

In the last year he seems to have got more and more angry (never at dd or even in her presence as he grew up a house of shouting etc) his broken a window (slamming it) kick the door (badly brusied foot) etc. but we are togher 24 hours a day and never get a break. I thought I was just getting on his nerves and it has been a paritularly bad 12 months. Thought everything was gettin on top of him etc.

Got to go again, I will be back I promise

I like MN for the same reasons you do OP smile

(My DH isn't a fan either. He may be right that I spend too much time here, but I worry whether he can be emotionally abusive sometimes too, and always criticising my friends and sources of support sad)

Please please not marry him. It's been showing you a more violent side over the past year and now he has lashed out at your dd. he will not stop and he will to get better. He has told you that. Leave. Get out and dont look back.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 01-Feb-13 10:01:31

My goodness, you are a strong and resilient woman! You love your daughter and treat her with kindness and support, you survived horrible treatment and neglect as a child, you are in pain but won't let yourself be beaten down by your illness... you're an amazing woman.

Your partner, however, is abusive. He is a dangerous, entitled man who has been resentful of his own child since her birth. And now won't take responsibility for his own behaviour.

He won't change, you can't help him. All you can do is remove yourself and your DD from his unpredictable and soul-sucking behaviour. Everything you describe about his reaction to your DD during her first 2 years, and this weekend's behaviour, is chilling.

amverytired Fri 01-Feb-13 10:05:07

Right, so it was a 'particularly bad' period of about 2 years after your dd was born - and now it has been 'particularly bad' for the last 12 months you say?
How old is your dd? Young enough to wear onesies - so not more than 5-6?
Basically it's been pretty rubbish all the time really hasn't it?
The door kicking, window breaking is all typical behaviour for someone that screams in a child's face and then refuses to admit they were wrong (even worse, takes no responsibility and blames you) - typical abusive behaviour - and that is not even taking into account really of how dreadfully he behaved when you were minding a newborn.

He is abusive - as were your parents - this is why you have problems - you have no normal reference. That's why you are confused, asking if YOU were in the wrong? Honey, it's very clear what is going on here - and it's not you.

Please take some time to see what is happening to you and your dd.

Also I'd say if he had stopped shouting at her when you stepped in and taken himself away to cool down and/or if he'd apologised afterwards it might have been forgivable. But such a long aggressive incident to such a young child, including a slap you heard from downstairs, and no apology or apparent regret afterwards - but telling you it was your fault ? And all that on top of extremely worrying lack of empathy, affection, and engagement with DD when she was a baby ?
I think you're going to have to draw on that really amazing strength of yours and take some action here for DD's sake (as well as for your own well-being)

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 01-Feb-13 10:10:07

mummy I have a feeling i remember who you are, and some of the context of your past threads.

I would urge you to leave. You and your daughter are at risk sad

Im not strong nor am I amazing but I am stubborn and I just have to keep on breathing

The thing is can I really protect dd if I tell him to leave? There would be visitation etc when I won't be there to watch out for her

I don't really have any friends out her to talk to

I don't even think I am that happy at the moment I keep thinking about other people not in a romantic way but in total day dream about a different life way don't know if that makes sense?

Pud I don't even know who I am any more!

You are imagining a better future for you and DD.

Go and make it happen woman ! smile

Wondering what circumstances have meant you are living in such an isolated situation ? Has your partner had a hand in things being like this for you do you think ?

Oh, mummywithnosleep, this is awful. So awful for you and your dd. Now you know he is not 'safe', you can't marry him, you need to get away from him and you need to get your dd away.

She has already spent the first nearly five years of her life with her father's hatred and resentment simmering away under the surface. Now this has reared its ugly head, and there is no getting away from it. He sounds very dangerous.

The fact he says you are overreacting tells you all you need to know. If he was a good father he would be mortified and ashamed of himself for what he has done to his daughter, and for how he feels about her.

He has frightened your little girl. And he has frightened you. This is not normal. This is not a way to live.

And it is no way for a little girl to grow up.

How terrifying.

I know its frightening, but you have to leave him/chuck him out.

Just think what the lovely man, the one who saved you, the one who sadly died, would say about this.

sad

Hope you find the strength you need to do what you have to do.

Nope this location was my pick! Honest

It's a work from home set up and perfect

Finically dd and I would be ok

Dp would struggle until he found a job and some of the household stuff is his and would have to be replaced but I'd managed

Dd and I would have to stay here it's all she knows plus it's kind of my job not dp

It's such a mess what would happen at visitation? Dp would go back to the uk so it could really be weekends etc it would have to be a week and he would have no support the risks are huge for his temper to blow and dd would be in a strange country he could do so much harm to her

But if Dp and I stay together then what

Sounds like you've already thought about many of the practicalities of splitting up/ him leaving. Maybe you can get some advice about what the arrangements could be for him to see dd ? I'm sure she wouldn't stay with him on his own for a week, you needn't worry about that. He might have short times of supervised access ? Though obviously it is complicated if he returns to UK and will be in a different country ?

worldgonecrazy Fri 01-Feb-13 10:43:38

Are you even sure he would want visitation rights? Maybe he might use that as a stick to beat you with, but from reading your posts I think that his interest would rapidly wane and he would have no interest in spending time with your daughter.

I don't know the legal ins and outs, but surely once she gets to an age where she can vocalise and make rational decisions, she will be able to decide if she wants to see him or not.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 01-Feb-13 10:50:20

I think you need legal advice on the visitation side as the laws may be different.
If he's been abusive to her I couldn't imagine him being allowed overnight or long visits here???
Also your assuming he'll want to continue in her life? His disinterest and abusive behaviour would indicate not so much

bestsonever Fri 01-Feb-13 11:47:35

Perhaps he would not try to exercise his visitation rights if he dislikes his DD so much, that could help. I wonder how long you have been out of the country and how long he has not been working, he should be supporting you where he can if not working rather that adding stress to you and your DD.

Its a bit difficult to explain he is working with me, but its a job I have always done and not one he could do on his own.

I can´t clear my head and think properly. I don´t know what I´m going to do about this.

I just want to talk to DP but he hates that sort of thing.

LondonNinja Fri 01-Feb-13 13:33:04

OP, I feel so bad for you.

You need to ask - what is the alternative? Get married to a man who 'hates' your daughter and physically abuses her and sounds like he is the antithesis of what a husband should be.

He sounds very difficult indeed. Do you want this man tied to you for years to come?? He SLAPPED your child FGS. What's next?

Lueji Fri 01-Feb-13 14:34:52

How do you see staying together with your "D"P?

Because this will happen again. He said so.

At this time, and because you are quite rightly worried about visitation, maybe you should contact SS.
Because you should be asking for supervised visits. And not by you, BTW.

I do understand that maybe part of you would like to make it work - but it's looking pretty un-workable as a relationship to me sad

Everyone who's been with anyone at all abusive says it almost always gets worse.

You might have another baby together ? And go through all that un-caring lack of support and non-engagement with the baby by him again ?
Stress of two DC's plus him feeling more secure through marriage might enable/ result in his behaviour getting much worse.

Have you talked to him at least about not getting married in 3 weeks time ?

I feel panicky if I have to leave dd and dp alone together

This jumped out at me. You can't leave a child with her own father?

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong?

He seemed to hate her?

He needs to leave. Today. Tell him to pack his bags and go. He needs extensive work so he can a) see what's wrong with what he did and b) work on whatever issues he has that makes him think it's ok to terrorise a defenceless child.

Tell him IF he manages to do these things and make a complete turnaround, he can come back. Until then he is not safe to have around your dd and he is certainly not healthy for either of you.

Lueji Fri 01-Feb-13 15:25:50

I've just noticed about the wedding.

Don't! For your DDs sake.

Even if you don't leave him right now.

I know you are all right. I know if this was someone else I would be near screaming by now at the scream. I just don't know what to do

I know everything you are saying is true

I know that this really is unforgivable

I know that dd can not grow up in fear

It just I'm scared and I don't want to make the wrong decision and if I talk to him he gets me so confused I start to feel I'm wrong even when Im right

I need someone to talk to and I can't think who

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 01-Feb-13 15:43:08

Speak to us.
Speak to a counsellor.
Open up to your best and most trusted friend.
And speak to a family lawyer about your legal and financial rights re: DD after a split.

Definitely don't talk to him: he does not have yours or DD's best interests at heart. Only his own.

Jux Fri 01-Feb-13 16:02:35

His behaviour has been escalating. Now he's terrified a tiny little girl (big man, huh?) and slapped her.

Please kick him out.

He's brought it all on himself, and should no longer take up space in your regard.

At least postpone the wedding?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 16:20:01

So he's not a fan of MN? there's a surprise. You need to stand up for your DD and yourself. A wedding in 3 weeks, a marriage of how long? How easily could you separate DD from her father once you are married? It is hard and maybe the end of your dream of a life with this man but right now as things stand he is going to raise his voice (or later fist) every time you or DD cross a line. You will find yourself adjusting behaviour or shushing her so as not to aggravate him. That is not engendering respect in children, it is teaching them "Do this OR ELSE".

He had a very tough time when dd was born and it was no picnic for you, either. She isn't yet 5 so for a large part of her life he's been more of a hindrance than help.

Dp did not have a good childhood Shame on him for re-visiting that upon your DD.

Adults often feel under pressure or bowed down with stress, it does not excuse acting in an aggressive or inimidating fashion. Generally if people manage not to blow their top at other adults, friends or colleagues, there is no reason why they can't exercise control at home.

Please get some good sound legal advice.

Lueji Fri 01-Feb-13 16:27:07

Leaving, in this case, it's not a bad decision.
At worst, you give it some time to figure it out and for stillP to turn himself around.
At best, you get rid of a very dangerous person.

But, in the event that all decisions are bad, what do you think is the worst outcome:

a) leaving with DD, then exP turns around into a beautiful person and marries someone else (or you decide to get back together)
b) staying with DD, marrying DP, who proceeds to beat or scare DD regularly, and possibly you too. You then decide to leave but have to go through difficult divorce. (this is the best outcome if you decide to stay, BTW, as you may never leave...)

I know the bad outcome I'd prefer.

Chances of a) happening: 1%
Chances of b) happening: 90%

Dear mummywithnosleep

Ask yourself a basic question .... do you really want to marry this man after all that has happened. If not, then don't !

Maybe it's good in some ways that you have a wedding on the near horizon ...
it could help you to make the difficult choice you need to make ?

If you ask him to leave how do you think that will go ?

soulresolution Fri 01-Feb-13 16:51:24

Tell him to leave. If he can't even understand how messed up he is then there's no hope of improvement.

You are in a strong position - you will be able to cope financially, you already do all the care of your dd so don't need him for that and once he's out he won't even be in the same country so will have minimal impact on your life with your dd.

You get confused when you speak to him because abusers are masters of manipulation. He will twist and turn everything you say until you're tied up in knots.

He doesn't like MN because you are being exposed to outside influences here. Logical, experienced people over whom he has no control are looking at the situation and telling you that lines are being crossed.

Abusers rely on isolation to continue their abuse. You start listening to people saying it's wrong and all of a sudden his ties loosen up a little.

There is NO way of fixing this while he's around. There just isn't. You can't go to counselling together because abusers thrive in couples therapy as it's just another power tool for them.

You are facing a huge decision and it's not easy but you deserve better and so does your dd. You've been here before. You know all of this. You just need to take the final step.

Jux Sat 02-Feb-13 01:08:13

He's been hitting objects. Now he's hitting dd (whom he acts like he hates). He pushed you and screamed at you.

Send him back to UK. Worry about contact later. Most abusers tend to forget about children of past relationships once they've moved on to the new gf, got other children to terrorise.

Have you reported him? I do think you should, if only to protect yourself and dd in the event he does something else.

KeatsiePie Sat 02-Feb-13 08:41:43

Holy shit. I gasped when I got to the part about the slap. The fact that he lifted her and ran away, knowing you would not be able to catch up, so that he could hit her -- I really think that means he knew, even in the moment, how very very wrong that was.

Can you try to put the wedding right out of your mind for a bit? Just put it aside so you can do what you need to do. Which, I agree, is get him out. I understand your getting confused about what to do when he's around, it's perfectly normal to be stressed and feel torn, but can we help you find a counselor to help you stay centered? Are you in the US?

You sound very strong. You know you'll be okay on your own. And you know you can't give him another chance to do that. And you know he will.

I'm very sorry.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 02-Feb-13 09:29:22

Mummy how are you today?

TheFallenNinja Sat 02-Feb-13 09:50:15

Ok, so a grown adult slaps a 4 year old and cannot guarantee that it cannot happen again.

So, what's next? What happens when the slap doesn't work? A kick, a punch, a strap maybe, maybe in a few years something more degrading will be used?

It may, it may not but the point is that you don't know and can't know.

Whichever way you look at this it WILL only get worse.

You know what you must do, I only hope you don't delay.

TippiShagpile Sat 02-Feb-13 09:58:26

Your partner hated your daughter for the first two years of her life

He screamed at her and assaulted her at the age of 4

This situation will only get worse and I think you know that

You need to get out of this relationship - for your daughter's sake

LemonDrizzled Sat 02-Feb-13 10:02:07

Sorry for what you are going through mummy
The mind boggling inability to think straight is familiar to lots of us. Come over to This Thread and you will read about Spaghetti Head Mess which is what we call it. Many of the posters there are in your situation and many more have already got away from an abusive partner and are seeing the benefits for them and their DC.
No rush, take time to think it through. But that will be easier with some time apart from him so you can process what happened.

Sorry all it's been a very bad day here and I've not been able to get on line

I phone Dp best friend and explained everything to him

He called Dp today and had a long talk

After which Dp and I had a big row and I told him I needed some space to think. He is going to go and stay with his best mat for a few day to give me some time to think and hopefully he will do the same

I have no idea how I feel at the moment

Dd seems very upset at daddy going on holiday

I'm still very confused Dp basically blames me for our problems which is hard to take and I don't know if he is right? He says I've been very irritable this year and it's made him angry

I will have a look at that thread lemon but I'm not sure I'm up to it at the moment

Feel very shaky and I'm doubting myself massively

Please tell me if I have done the right thing?

amverytired Sat 02-Feb-13 19:07:52

Yes yes yes you have done the right thing - it's not you, it's him.
Please have a look at the 'emotional abuse' thread - the many brave ladies there will help you with all this confusion.
The confusion you are feeling right now is a result of being emotionally abused for so long - that's what it does.
He is blaming you because that is what works for him.

hakunamatata8 Sat 02-Feb-13 19:43:36

He hit your child op what is there to be confused about. If you wont accept soneone hitting you why accept it for your child. Even a child who is badly abused will miss their abusive parent, because they dont know any different, so if you decide to stay admit it is for you and not fot her.

And I guess DD won't just be upset that Daddy has gone on holiday. She could be upset about him shouting at and smacking her the other day. Upset because she sees you are. Upset because of an air of uncertainty around her. Wondering why you didn't all go "on holiday" together ? Lots to be upset and confused about just now for a 4 year old.
So, change can be hard but it can definitely be for the best. Be strong, especially for DD.
You both deserve a better future x

soulresolution Sat 02-Feb-13 20:16:55

Glad to hear he has gone op. I hope you will be able to take this chance to calm your thoughts and start to clear your mind of the blame he is pushing on you.

Up-thread you said I want dd to be safe and happy more than anything in the world. That is a very good thing to focus on to help you be strong. Your dd will not be safe around him: he is becoming more and more angry and resentful and unstable and the last incident shows he has no boundaries to directing his anger at her in a violent way. Your dd will not be happy growing up with an angry unstable father and a fearful, confused mother.

You have had big challenges before and you have dealt with them. Every day your life as an independent woman and loving mother is testament to your strength of character. It's very sad that your p has been messed up by his childhood but only he can make a difference in his life - you can't do it for him, no one can while he refuses to accept responsibility, and if you try he will ruin your life.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 02-Feb-13 20:22:50

oh god, your OP has made me feel ill - please tell me you are getting away from this cunt of a man

frustratedworkingmum Sat 02-Feb-13 20:26:07

oh jut read that you have sent him away THANK GOD! he is a danger to your daughter - he will hurt her, physically and emotionally - you are so so brave, please call womens aid who will be able to give you rl advice and support. We are all here for you too - so so brave, a fantasic mum This man isnt worth the shit off your shoe

You have done the right thing. You know you have, he's just been working on you long enough to make you doubt yourself.

His parting shot shows what an utter piece of shit he is. He made sure to make you doubt yourself so you wouldn't experience the joy and freedom of being away from him. Of not living in fear that your dd will step out of line and get slapped around again.

This is not a good man mummy. Well done for having him leave. Please make it longer than a few days!

missbea Sun 03-Feb-13 00:28:30

((hugs))

You've done the right thing - you know you have. Well done. That must have taken such strength and bravery. When you marry, you want it to be to someone who you know loves you (and your children), that you feel safe with, cherished by and respected by. It doesn't sound as though your partner is that person. Nothing he says can excuse his behaviour - and no-one is to blame but him.

You are doing everything you can to protect yourself and your daughter. There are people here who have much more wisdom and advice to offer than i can, but since I read your post I've been worrying about you and your DD. Please, stay strong and keep reaching out for help. You and your daughter deserve to feel safe and secure.

Lueji Sun 03-Feb-13 00:56:45

You have definitely done the right thing.

He says I've been very irritable this year and it's made him angry
Even if that is true, who gives him the right to take it on a 4 year old girl?

And when you see your DD upset that daddy is gone, remember how upset she was when he took her upstairs, slapped her and screamed at her. Which is worse?
You may want to reassure her that he didn't leave because of her. That's very important. It may be why she's upset, not that he is away per se.
That you have sent him away because he is too angry and you were scared of him, for example.

For your sake and your DD's I hope you do not allow him back.
If you do, he'll feel he can get away with such behaviour.
And if you marry him, you are consenting to these actions.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 03-Feb-13 01:49:40

My word you moved fast, excellent. I know it isn't easy and of course, to save face this guy will blame everyone but himself. Putting distance between you is a good start. He may alternate between anger or resentment, to wheedling or smooth talking.

Your DD is only young, she'll know when there's an atmosphere and feel insecure if grown ups pack and leave BUT you're there, you are her rock. Keep her occupied try not to let her see you anxious or stressed. Cuddle and reassure her. Fake it 'til you make it.

Don't waste time dwelling on anything he said in temper. Look forward, get support.

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 02:05:26

"9 years is good going for not losing his temper"??????? shock So when he did, he was entitled to?

It's been a hard year, so he's allowed to behave like that? My mum and my little brother died 6 weeks apart, less than 6 months after my friend died. That was a hard year too. I didn't go around screaming at children and slapping them though. As far as I can tell, his hard year was a hard year for you too. Did you scream at children and slap them?

No, of course you didn't. You're not an abusive person.

Whereas he is a FuckWit of the First Order. And an abuser.

Your dd will be fine. She is 4 and will soon get over your FW's departure.

In short, yes you are doing the right thing!

KeatsiePie Sun 03-Feb-13 10:39:53

He was completely 100% in the wrong with no qualifications whatsoever. There is absolutely no mitigating factor in the slapping of a four-year-old. Good for you. Read up on abuse, your rights etc. slowly, as you feel able, and in the meantime just keep him out. Well done, keep it up, you can do it.

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