Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dilemma - report to police or not.

(115 Posts)
findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:14:34

Posted in Chat before, as I wanted it to disappear, but two weeks on I'm a bit better and would like honest opinions.

I split up with OH of 3 years before Christmas. There was an OW, who moved in as I moved out.

Due to the nature of both my job and his, our paths are inevitably going to cross, unless I considerably change my lifestyle and career path.

After moving out on the 13th of December, and subsequently finding out about OW I was in a bit of a mess. However, I picked myself up and began a freelance business related to what XOH and I did.

Two weeks ago I got a job that involved going onto a property that OH owned. In the interest of being a grown up, and also knowing that if OH chose he could have taken the job on himself I rang him and a) asked his permission to be on his property and b) explained to him what I'd be doing.

At this point I assumed I'd be dealing with a rational person. I was quite wrong. When I arrived on the property, before anyone could see me arrive he came across the yard, caught me by the hair and dragged me into a shed, where he fondled my breasts while watching out of the window in case anyone was watching.

I was asking him what he was doing, telling him to let me go, etc, but because he had been my best friend for 3 years I thought if I reasoned with him it would be ok. When he ascertained that there was nobody to see him, he dragged me by the hair into his house, pressed my face against the wall and told me to take my shoes off. I did, but kept saying, what are you doing, let go.

He then picked me up by the end of my plait and the back of my jeans, which hurt quite a lot, and carried me upstairs. He pinned me on the bed, and the whole time I was saying, get off, get off, and fighting, and wriggling. He had my fringe pinned to the bed, so my head was back, and was lying on my legs so couldn't move. He was trying to kiss me and to get his hands in my trousers, but didn't have enough hands to pin me down and get my clothes off. The whole time I was saying get off.

When he realised I was not giving in, several minutes later, he let me go and I ran out of the house.

There is no physical damage, no witnesses, it is my word against his. So shoulod I report?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 29-Jan-13 23:20:55

I think I saw your first thread, and my opinion now is the same as then; this was a sexual assault, even attempted rape.

But as I said then (and got slagged for it), you know that this is a "he said, she said" situation and you are unlikely to get a conviction if you report.

However, if you're feeling stronger now, do report; at the very least he'll have a chat with a couple of uniformed bobbies and maybe taken into the police station. It may put the frighteners on him.

But only you know how he's likely to react to that, some people would learn a lesson, others would take revenge. And if you're going to have to be alone with him again...

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:23:52

yes you should report. He is a potential rapist at worst and a bloody idiot at best who needs a short sharp shock.

report. You will be believed.

izzyizin Tue 29-Jan-13 23:34:46

You will be believed, but be prepared for it not to go much further than you reporting the incident as it's unlikely that any prosecution will ensue as offences of this nature are rarely witnessed by others and are therefore notoriously difficult to prove.

findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:38:13

I understand there is little to no chance of a conviction. The he-said she-said aspect, no witnesses, no actual injuries.

I also know that I will see him again. This is not something I can avoid, unless I change my friends and my career. I will do everything I can not to be alone with him again.

My worry is that reporting this for no reasonable end will just be seen as malicious. I KNOW I have been sexually assaulted. I feel violated, and a very good male friend made a gentle joke about what happened and I was horrified and slightly frightened in a way that I haven't felt when my female friends have made similar comments.

Can you report something and have it logged, but not press charges, so if it happens again to anyone it can be recorded?

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:41:03

yes. you can report and not go ahead with anything more.

tbh as izzy says - it would be hard to prove and unlikely to go anywhere but im sure the officer would talk through things with you and make you aware of everything.

why not ask for an informal chat with an officer who can just go through your options.

LineRunner Tue 29-Jan-13 23:41:43

You posted about this before.

I still think you need to go and give a statement to the Police.

Maybe have a chat with the local police DV unit? When you were still in a relationship with this shitbag, did you ever call the police on him? I think it's very likely that he has done this sort of thing before and, unfortunately, I think it's possible that he may try to attack you again, so logging the incident is probably a good idea. And if he has form (ie other women have complained about him) he might well get a visit from the police and a sharp word, even if it doesn't come to court - and I'm afraid it's very unlikely to get to court this time because of the reasons you've stated. But his card needs to be marked.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

FlipFlopFloss Tue 29-Jan-13 23:45:57

How awful for you.

I think you should report. It may put him off trying anything like this again (with you or anyone else) and god forbid it does happen again or any other form of abuse or intimidation - this will have been logged, thus maybe helping any further issues.

Thumbwitch Tue 29-Jan-13 23:49:04

Regardless of the sexual nature of it, you have been assaulted - he has pulled your hair, manhandled you etc. - the sexual thing might be harder to prove but FGS - what an utter bastard!

Yes, report him. And yes, make sure you're never alone with him again. God alone knows what his motivation was, unless it was to show you that you are still in his power. What a cock!

extracrunchy Tue 29-Jan-13 23:49:24

Absolutely definitely report. And never speak to him again. This was attempted rape and totally unacceptable.

sparklyjumper Tue 29-Jan-13 23:50:06

I'm sorry he did that to you. I think you have to report it regardless of the outcome because he is likely to do this again but go even further next time.

findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:55:11

I am pretty much decided. Going to take a friend with me tomorrow and at least report it. He's trouble in so many ways, and as someone who has always been invincible, if he can do this to me he can do this to anyone.

LineRunner Tue 29-Jan-13 23:58:26

Well done.

extracrunchy Tue 29-Jan-13 23:59:32

Proud of you!

Thumbwitch Wed 30-Jan-13 00:00:49

Good for you - it needs to be done.

FlipFlopFloss Wed 30-Jan-13 00:03:06

Good luck for tomorrow and well done for being so brave.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 00:05:58

Even though it's unlikely to result in his arrest/trial, IMO you should report his assault on you as there are currently renewed intiatives for police authorities to record all such incidents and share them with other forces.

Regardless of whether you were still together, or your relationship had ended and he'd taken up with an ow at the time of the incident, reporting a matter of this nature can lead to the polarisation of existing friends, some of whom may be persuaded that you acted out of malice.

It's an unfortunate truth that reporting a sexual offence perpetrated by a person who is not a stranger to you can be a quick route to finding out who your true friends are.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 00:10:43

Are you planning to simply turn up at a police station with your friend with the intention of reporting him?

If so, I strongly advise you to abandon this plan and call your regional police authority's Sex Offences Unit to make an appointment either for specially trained officer to call on you, or for you to attend their premises at a given date/time.

tribpot Wed 30-Jan-13 00:13:52

It sounds absolutely terrifying, and awful, OP. Please do report him.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 30-Jan-13 00:23:41

phone and talk to someone about it - i guess it depends on how far you want to take it.

if you gave a statement he could potentially be arrested and interviewed. or he could be asked to attend for interview as a volunteer to avoid arrest.

could be a wake up call though that he cant just do whatever he likes.

talk it through with an officer and make an informed decision.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 00:30:35

If you make a statement, it's possible he'll be arrested 'on suspicion of commiting x offence', taken to a police station, interviewed and, unless makes an admission of guilt, bailed by the police to reappear on a given date.

In the interim the file will be passed to the Crown Prosecution Service who will make a decision as to whether he is to be prosecuted, with all that entails.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 30-Jan-13 00:35:08

i reckon he would be asked to attend for interview as a volunteer and not bailed....

yes it would probably go to CPS who would probably not run it due to lack of evidence.

but.
it would give him an experience of being put into an interview room, and asked uncomfortable questions, asked to account for his actions.

its not likely to go anywhere. i will say that now.

but he may think twice about doing it again - it would inconvenience him if nothing else. and make him accountable.

Lueji Wed 30-Jan-13 01:26:53

I agree you should report it.

He could try it on with you again, and should you need it (no contact order, whatever appropriate) it will be on record.

And he'll know that he can't mess with you.

Yes, some "friends" may not believe you, but you don't need such "friends".

Stay safe.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 06:10:18

Whether he's summarily arrested or requested to attend an interview, he's unlikely to enjoy the experience and, particularly if he encounters a police officer who has the knack of turning suspects' legs to jelly, it's probable he will think twice before assaulting another woman.

For this reason alone you'll be performing a public service if you report his attack on you and I hope you'll come back with an update soon.

nospace Wed 30-Jan-13 09:24:51

If he was a stranger, would you report it?

I believe you.

Just checking in to join the supportive voices.

What a fucking sleaze bag.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 30-Jan-13 09:55:39

If he was a stranger, there wouldn't be the risk of OP having to work with him again.

Astelia Wed 30-Jan-13 10:04:53

Great advice from vicar, who knows what she is talking about.

findingmymarbles Thu 31-Jan-13 00:36:29

Small, slightly unexciting update. As I was working flat-out, there wasn't time to give a statement today, but have made an appointment at the police station tomorrow.

After speaking to his exW today, it seems he has assaulted her twice in the last 6 months, and those incidents have been logged with the police. Due to circumstances that I can't go into on here, she hasn't pressed charges.

This only makes me more determined to make sure he is at the very least incovenienced, and at the most, arrested and charged!

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 00:46:59

May I suggest you regard the information you have received today as hearsay which there is no need for you to mention at the time you report your ex/make a statement.

May I also suggest you take steps ensure that any statement you make is given to a police officer who is specially trained in sex crimes - your police authority will have a Sex Crimes Unit staffed by dedicated officers.

findingmymarbles Thu 31-Jan-13 01:03:08

Thankyou izzy, but she has given me incident numbers to quote, the names of the officers involved etc, it is fairly concrete.

My problem is, I think I should feel worse than I do to qualify for special treatment. I'm ok. I get up and go to work, I haven't cried since it happened. I am ever so slightly wary being on my own with men.

Mainly, my Knobhead Detector is turned up to full! I just want this to be over I suppose, so I can stop thinking about it.

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 01:26:31

It may or may be the case that the police have prior knowledge of this man but I am strongly cautioning you not to refer to what can be regarded as hearsay for reasons which, given your concern not to be seen as reporting him out of spurious or malicious intent, should be obvious to you.

Darkesteyes Thu 31-Jan-13 01:45:10

I believe you OP. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. What a bastard.

kittybiscuits Thu 31-Jan-13 01:50:32

OP please think about what Izzy is saying. It could undermine your position. You know what happened to you. It sounds v scary. Just tell the police what happened to you and if there are any dots to be joined, leave it to them. Good luck with your appointment.

LesBOFerables Thu 31-Jan-13 01:55:41

I echo all this- good luck, and good for you. You are doing the right thing.

Thumbwitch Thu 31-Jan-13 02:03:49

I agree with Izzy on not telling them about the exW's incidents. The reason is because they might see it as a kind of "witch hunt" against him and be less inclined to follow through; let them discover that he is in the system already for themselves, without you telling them.

jynier Thu 31-Jan-13 02:09:43

*findingmymarbles" - have only just seen your thread but you must certainly give information about your assault to the police! Best wishes

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 31-Jan-13 02:13:51

You are very brave, findingmymarbles, I salute you. Best wishes and good luck.

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 02:20:11

Please report this to the police asap. He needs it spelling out in no uncertain terms that what he did was disgraceful and the only people to do it are uniformed officers anyone else he won't see how awful it was.

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 02:27:56

As many victims of sex crimes and domestic violence will testify, the police response to such complaints and the manner in which victims are treated can be something of a postcode lottery in that positive outcomes may depend on the experience and efficiency of the officer(s) who respond on the day.

From what you have written, it would appear that your ex's assault on you was sexual in intent and, for the reasons above, I once again urge you to make an appointment with an officer who operates out of your regional police authority's Sex Crimes Unit and who has been specially trained to investigate complaints of this nature.

If you are reporting petty theft or similar, taking potluck at your local police station is par for the course but it is not to be recommended to anyone who wishes to report the type of offence you have described.

Needless to say, making reference to a previous complainant when reporting an unwitnessed assault is something to be avoided as it may give the impression that the subsequent complainant is in cohoots with the party who made the first allegation.

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 02:31:26

the only people to do it are uniformed officers IME plainclothes police officers have the expertise to point out the error of a suspect's ways as effectively as their uniformed counterparts, Mosman.

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 02:40:59

Somebody with a badge then

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 02:53:09

Parking warden, bus driver, platform guard, museum attendant? I suspect they're not what you had in mind Mosman, albeit that some turn into little Hitlers authoritative figures once they don a uniform grin

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 03:02:10

This is a thread about somebody nearly being raped, you think that's appropriate, really ?

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 04:57:27

FGS. I find it as appropriate as the implications of your risible belief that only uniformed officers can spell out to sex offenders 'in no uncertain terms' that their behaviour is 'disgraceful', Mosman.

If you spend a day at the coalface of violent crime, or at any venue which exposes you to the harsher realities of life and death, you may discover why indulging in light or dark humour on occasion is essential to the mental wellbeing of the workers.

Mosman Thu 31-Jan-13 04:59:29

you may discover why indulging in light or dark humour on occasion is essential to the mental wellbeing of the workers

And you think that's something an attempted rape victim might appreciate do you ?

izzyizin Thu 31-Jan-13 06:17:16

I see no reason why not, Mosman, but that may be because, unlike yourself, I don't seek to stereotype either police officers or victims of crime as I regard them as individuals and behave towards them accordingly.

In this case, the OP has continued to work which suggests she's adopted a pragmatic approach to her ordeal and, although she felt unnerved when 'a very good male friend made a gentle joke about what happened', she responded differently when her 'female friends made similar comments' which leads me to believe she has not suffered from any sense of humuor failure.

Neverthless, I have urged her - and do so yet again - to speak with a police officer who is specifically trained in sex crimes and, if she does not choose to act on this advice, I would suggest she makes contact with www.rapecrisis.org.uk who are best placed to facilitate rl support and counselling should she at any time, no matter how many years may have elapsed, feel the need for such services.

At present, I suspect the OP is still experiencing feelings of shock, and quite possibly a residual sense of disbelief, that the man who had been her 'best friend for 3 years' could behave in such a manner, but it may be that making a statement could bring home to her the seriousness of what took place and how fortunate she was in being able to prevail on him to let her go.

It's often the case that it's only when realisation dawns as to how much worse an outcome could have been that the real business of processing a life threatening situation begins and, as unpalatable a thought it may be for the OP to come to terms with, for the time she was held prisoner in her ex's home, her life was under threat.

Under the circumstances, and in the light of further information the OP has posted, IMO this offender deserves considerably more than 'somebody with a badge' telling him in no uncertain terms he's 'disgraceful' but, unless she is able to refrain from mentioning what she was told yesterday, the already slim chance of him being brought to account for his actions will be further diminished.

sparklyjumper Thu 31-Jan-13 07:07:06

OP not sure if you are reading today but have a good read and a good think about all that izzyizin is saying. This is really serious, you might still be in shock now but at the very least don't discuss with the police what you have discussed with his ex, wrong as it may be it could undermine you badly and be used to make you look malicious which is almost certainly be what he will say.

IDreamedADreamOfSausageRolls Thu 31-Jan-13 08:10:42

Agree - report but don't mention the exw's incidents. None of that would be inadmissible in court. You need to get your incident on record without any danger of it looking like a malicious plot between angry women (sorry). Good luck.

houseelfdobby Thu 31-Jan-13 10:04:44

I am so sorry this happened to you. How are you feeling now? Try hard not to let this horrible incident affect your life more than it absolutely needs to. Don't be surprised, OTOH, if you find it affects you more than you think it should. It's very frightening to be in that kind of situation and triggers all sorts of deep emotional responses in terms of vulnerability etc. Hope you are ok!

Good luck with the police. I am sure you are doing the right thing and reckon you are very brave. Please, please make sure you are NEVER alone with this man again.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 31-Jan-13 23:00:07

im a police officer (i am for now anyway) and mosman izzy wasnt being obtuse - she is right to be fair. it does depend on who you get if you just turn up at a station and ask to see someone.

there are dedicated sex offences teams and dedicated domestic violence teams - in some regions you may need to see a uniformed bobby first but its worth asking the question, its likely that uniform would refer this to someone with specialism anyway.

And OP please do not mention the attacks on his ex.....the police will check and will see that anyway. dont mention it. it has no bearing on what you report.

mosman please dont take offence - i know what izzy meant and arguing semantics isnt helping OP.

targaryen24 Fri 01-Feb-13 09:13:57

REPORT IT. If anything else happens with another woman (and is closer to, or full on rape) then your report could be the difference between having him convicted or not. It's worth it just in case isn't it? Sorry to hear something so unexpected and nasty happened to you. It's irritating that people don't often realise how violated you can feel after even a minor incident like this, when someone's invaded your personal space without your consent. Hope you're ok x

LittleChimneyDroppings Fri 01-Feb-13 09:29:45

I'm sorry this has happened op. Izzy has a good point re contacting the sex crimes unit.

findingmymarbles Fri 01-Feb-13 19:51:30

So, yesterday I reported it at my local police station, who took an initial statement. This was more distressing than I expected to be honest. I consider myself pretty tough, and having to describe in detail what happened was actually horrendous. I am trying to look at it as just something to get over and done with.

It was logged as an incident, and then referred to the local Rape Unit (I think that's what its called?). Today I went to meet the specially trained policewoman who will be taking my video evidence next week. She was AMAZING. She then gave me a proper idea of what will happen at each stage, and she says there is definitely enough evidence to arrest him, and while there are no witnesses to the actual assault, there is someone who saw me seconds afterwards.

The video evidence is the last time I will have to tell the story from start to finish. Nothing may come of it, but at the very least he will be arrested and questioned. So, that's it really. Now I just see what happens.

Well done OP. You've done a really good and important thing. I'm glad the specialist is good and trustworthy and gives you confidence.

For what it's worth, if the retelling was distressing then that just emphasises what a dreadful thing it was, and therefore how worth repeating.

I hope he gets the message.

*how worth reporting

stoopid fat fingers

tribpot Fri 01-Feb-13 21:17:59

Bloody well done you. I agree with Horatia - I think it's probably good for you to repeat this story and ensure it doesn't become pent up inside you.

Well done! It's good that they are going to nick him aswell.

targaryen24 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:06:50

Just wanted to say well done! Can't have been easy. At least he won't be getting away with it without some sort of consequence, even if it's just a caution. That shouldn't of happened to you. Hope it goes well from here

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 01-Feb-13 23:35:05

yes OP because its a sexual assault you can give evidence in chief on video and hopefully if it gets to court you will be given special measures so ensure you dont have to face him.

i suspected it would be referred to the sexual offences team anyway. Thats what i do if i get anything remotely similar - refer it to the real experts!

you did well. Giving a statement by video is standard for sexual assaults.

NettleTea Sat 02-Feb-13 00:17:25

thats fantastic. If anything it will demonstrate that you are not afraid to go and report him if he tries anything again.
and if they arrest him it may be that they have a word that they are getting quite a file on him, which might make him think twice

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 02-Feb-13 00:27:08

Well done OP, even if nothing comes of it, it is on file now and all these incidents could build up into a prosecutable picture.

Well done Op.

We believe you.

I have conducted video interviews and also managed the team who do them. They are all high,y trained and empathetic. It will be a very emotional experience for you but as you say the idea is that you won't have to repeat your attack over and over again- the video can be played.

Hope it goes ok

constantnamechanger Sat 02-Feb-13 00:37:34

I absolutely believe you - I really do, but based on experience, personally, I would never go to court. I wish I could say differently.

Well done for reporting him, I think the fuller a picture the police have the better so they now know about him.

I hope you can find some peace.

Thumbwitch Sat 02-Feb-13 11:32:11

Fantastically well done of you, OP - and I hope that having to re-tell your story has proved somewhat cathartic, because even though you appeared to be coping remarkably well with what happened, there was the possibility that you had just buried it and it could have come back to haunt you. As it is, that's less likely now.

Glad the specialist unit have been so good and I hope your video-statement isn't too traumatic - and I'm SO glad the Police are going to arrest him, even if nothing does come of it, at least it'll put the wind up the evil shit.

Flisspaps Sat 02-Feb-13 11:33:34

Well done OP.

Lueji Sat 02-Feb-13 11:38:19

Congratulations on reporting him.
At the very least you have good justification for keeping him at a distance, and, together with other reports from ex, it may put him on the police map, even if it doesn't lead to a conviction.

houseelfdobby Sat 02-Feb-13 18:52:31

Well done, sweetie. Please don't worry if it takes you a while to get over the whole incident. It does not mean you are "not tough" or are abnormal in some way. To be at another human being's mercy for a period of time (no matter how short) when they are of malevolent intent is indeed terrifying and life changing.

You may well have helped prevent this, or worse, from happening to others in the future. Congratulations, I am proud of you.

I am so sorry once again that this happened to you.

BerylStreep Sat 02-Feb-13 22:23:13

What a dreadful experience. I am glad to hear you have reported it.

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 02:46:48

Well done, findingmymarbles. You are tough, you know. You've done a very difficult, but very good thing.

findingmymarbles Mon 04-Feb-13 23:19:02

Just having a wobble. I know I'm doing the right thing by going in tmrw, but I really wish I could chicken out. I know it has to be done, bit for the last few days I've been going over it in my head and the thought of saying it out loud is horrendous.

BerylStreep Mon 04-Feb-13 23:23:32

I know honey. It's horrible, but you know you are doing the right thing. Just remember how lovely and understanding the officer was.

What this guy put you through was dreadful - it was designed to make you afraid. Remember what we tell our children - stand up to bullies.

Thinking of you for tomorrow.

You have been so brave finding, it is understandable that you would be feeling daunted by relieving a very traumatic experience. You can do it and by doing so you will make yourself and other women safer. Have you got someone to take you home afterwards and stay with you?

IDreamedADreamOfSausageRolls Tue 05-Feb-13 08:07:49

You are doing the right thing. I think you'll feel good when you've done it. Is there anyone who can go with you or at least pick you up/meet you afterwards?

kingprawntikka Tue 05-Feb-13 08:23:07

You are being really really brave, I know you don't want to go today, but you can get through this. It may not be easy, but you can do it. Thinking of you x

Jux Tue 05-Feb-13 08:43:44

You are so brave. You said his ex had made two reports? What you are doing today will help make sure you only have do this once.

Good luck today. Thinking of you, holding your hand, giving you a big hug.

NormaStanleyFletcher Tue 05-Feb-13 12:54:14

Think of you today. I hope it all goes well.

You are so brave smile

findingmymarbles Wed 06-Feb-13 01:30:48

Done! 2 and a half hours of video evidence and no crying. Quite a bit of shaking and feeling sick. Now I just wait and see what happens next.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 01:44:45

Hey love. So sorry this happened to you. I just want to share my experiennce of the being believed stuff with you.

I was date raped a few months ago (got a whole thread on it) it took me a couple of days to report it and I found that while the police were sympatjetic and did checks on him, they weren't that interested because there was no evidence so it was my word against his and he worked for one of the 999 services and I'm a bit of a screw up so not much chance of a conviction.

Hopefully you'll have a better chance. I'll keep you in my thoughts xxx

Scuse typos. On phone and a bit voddied up blush

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 01:46:04

Xposted. Well done you. Keep your head up xxx

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 01:51:59

Well done!

Although it may have been traumatic to re-live what happened to you when making your statement, you have validated your experience by recounting it to others and may now find that the 'reality' of what took place becomes overwhelming to a point where you can think of little else.

If this should occur please don't worry unduly as it's an entirely natural reaction to a horrifying ordeal and with the aid of an experienced counsellor, such as can be found at www.rapecrisis.org.uk , you'll be able to move through this phase and emerge older, wiser - and stronger.

I hope the police will keep you updated. Did they give any indication of when/whether they intend to arrest him, and did you by any chance mention the conversation you had with his ex prior to your visit to the police station last week?

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 01:54:01

Did you get back to the police, or have they got back to you about making a statement ,*Crispy*?

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 02:09:17

Not heard a peep izzy. I don't blame them really. Their resources must be so streched and therefore they'll focus on the more sure things. Can't blame them for that even though its shitty.

I watched the accused last night. Scary that those attitudes haven't changed much sad

I really hope the op has a response she can be satisfied with and if she's anywhere near London I'm available for handholding and hugs

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 02:34:22

It was unfortunate that your ordeal coincided with careers being made additional pressure on Sapphire's meagre resources,Crispy.

Nevertheless, your attacker needs to be brought to the notice of the police as he will continue to pose a danger to the women he selects as his victims.

Now the Met's enquiries into matters related to the late Jimmy Savile* are almost at an end, I sincerely hope you'll get back to your contact and be forthcoming about the appalling lack of attention to your serious complaint.

*the simple act of typing this repulsive creature's name made me feel dirty.

FTR, the link is www.rapecrisis.org.uk

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 02:51:15

Thanks Izzy. Honestly I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I ought to contact him and apologise for not accepting his further aPproaches. Other times I question whether it really happened/i over reacted/led him on/ deserved it somehow.

Its a headfuck. I don't want to hijack the op's thread so I may continue elsewhere x

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 02:54:51

Aw jeez, Crispy - revive earlier thread and fgs don't give another thought to making contact with your rapist.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 03:38:25

I think I will do that Izzy. Can't get to it from my phone tho.

I'm fine for now. Got vodka and a blade which I won't use but find its presence reassuring. I'm really really ok. I pronise x

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 03:41:49

I'll revive it for you, honey.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 03:57:50

smile x

Jux Wed 06-Feb-13 08:20:13

Well done marbles. thanks to you, and a big hug. xx too.

Crispy, that's dreadful. So sorry it happened to you, and hope the cops wake up xx

well done. if we keep quiet then nothing will get done for sure. the next time he wants to do something he may think twice or your statement may give the police enough ammunition to prosecute.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay i remember your thread. so sorry it hasn't gone further for you. big hugs.

undercoverhousewife Wed 06-Feb-13 09:41:21

Well done, Sweetheart. I really hope the police take this seriously.

Crispy start a thread again for some support.

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 13:08:59

Crispy's original thread has been updated.

It's titled 'got a date tonight and I'm getting nervous!' and, at the time of writing, it's on p1 of this board.

findingmymarbles Tue 12-Feb-13 23:20:50

So sorry for Crispy that in her case nothing has moved forward.
An update on mine, he was arrested today, questioned all day then released on bail with lots of conditions to keep everyone safe. The CPS is now handling it, from what I can gather he's on bail til the middle of march while they investigate further ( lots of stuff has come out of the woodwork about him). Then they will decide whether they have a strong enough case to charge him and take it to court.

Wow! I am impressed and its great to think that he has not got off scot free and also that you and others might be safer as a result. Well done you.

tribpot Tue 12-Feb-13 23:58:37

Blimey. That's a bit more than expected, but certainly no less than he deserves. Thank god you were brave enough to report it.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Feb-13 00:02:41

well done finding - the police will always do what ever they can - evidence is a key issue but hang on in there.

EldritchCleavage Wed 13-Feb-13 00:16:43

Just seen this thread. I want to say thank you, finding, for doing a difficult and horrible thing. I hope you get justice, but even if nothing comes of this you've marked his card, bravely, and that may well help another woman down the line to be believed.

Cortana Wed 13-Feb-13 01:07:54

Like Eldrich I have just seen your thread.

Thank you from me too. You've been so brave and although it can't change what he did to you, you've done something that will protect others in the future.

Good luck in the future Finding, wishing you all the best.

wow! that's a result.

take care of yourself, finding.

Lueji Wed 13-Feb-13 08:36:56

That's great news. smile

lots of stuff has come out of the woodwork about him
I'm not surprised from what you said about his ex.

At the very least the police will have him more and more on their radar.
And let's hope it gives him a good enough fright not to try it again.

Jux Wed 13-Feb-13 11:08:53

Excellent news, marbles. Well done. That was very well done indee;, thank you.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Wed 13-Feb-13 11:15:26

That sounds like a worthwhile result. Well done, and look after yourself smile

BerylStreep Wed 13-Feb-13 15:46:44

Good news.

Milchardo Wed 13-Feb-13 16:11:13

So proud of you.

Marbles so glad that positive action is being taken and hope you have got good support too.

undercoverhousewife Thu 14-Feb-13 10:03:46

..and you may have saved future women from suffering the same experience as you or, heaven forbid, worse. You are very brave and an example to us all. And I am impressed with the police too.

That's great. well done you and hopefully he is now on the way to getting what he deserves. Also, it might have given him a bit of a shake up to be arrested.

teresa2003 Thu 14-Feb-13 20:38:36

I would definately report this whatever the outcome.I understand what you mean about it being" your word against his" but the shock of being reported may stop him in his tracks.You also dont know if he has done this to other women. Or what he may be capable of in the future.Good luck.

Adversecamber Thu 14-Feb-13 20:50:27

Well done I have just read the thread your a brave woman.

teresa2003 Thu 14-Feb-13 20:52:58

Sorry i didnt read all of the posts before as my crap laptop keeps freezing all of the time.I am really glad you have reported him not only for yourself but for all the other women he could of attacked in the future. Well done.

findingmymarbles Sun 17-Mar-13 21:00:56

Sorry to resurrect old post, but just a short update. XP has been charged with 5 sexual offences, ranging from attempted rape to sexual touching, 2 common assault charges. This is between his Xwife and myself. Court date is 3rd of April, at a magistrates court.
I'm assuming if he pleads not guilty it will go to trial and I'll have to testify?

I remember you posting this. So glad to hear your update, no idea about trials etc. but hope it all goes well for you.

slambang Sun 17-Mar-13 21:27:15

Bloody well done Marbles.

Hope your ex is shitting himself and regardless of the eventual outcome his punishment is waking up daily for the rest of his life knowing he is guilty.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now