Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't want to upset dil

(63 Posts)
Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 16:48:35

I live on my own, and my youngest son has suggested that I move to live near to his family. I would love to do this.
however, my dil, who is very close to her mother, has always wanted her parents to live near her. they would like to do this, but due to family circumstances can't do so at the moment. They spend far more time with my sons family than I do, visiting for a few days at a time but that has been fine with me.
I appreciate that a daughters bond with her mother is extra special but I have two sons, so have never had this.
I have already said to my son, that I would have no intention of keep 'popping' round to their house.
I think this situation has caused some tension between my son and his wife which is upsetting me and has taken the shine off the idea of moving near to them. However, I feel that my dil must understand that my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them as much as her mother would like to be by her.
Any thoughts please?

CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 29-Jan-13 16:51:50

Speak to your son. Ask him honestly if your DIL was aware of the suggestion before he posed it to you? If not perhaps they've not discussed. Ensure he relays the message that you have no intention of constantly dropping in, but you'd like to make spending time with them when they can easier.

Do you have a good relationship with DIL?

Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 16:58:58

My son suggested this to me yesterday and explained his wife's feelings to me today. I then realised, that perhaps he hadn't actually asked her before he made the suggestion to me. I had been quite excited at the thought of moving yesterday but now I have doubts.
I don't actually see a great deal of my DIL, although when we do meet we get on well.

mentlejen Tue 29-Jan-13 17:12:29

What's your relationship like with DIL? Do you talk to her much without her husband around? Do they have kids? How far away are her family? Would you be able to have them over/visit and talk through it all over the dinner table? Sounds like you need an open discussion about it all that starts with listening to her concerns..

We moved areas 2 years ago - we now live less than a 10 min drive from my MIL.

We chose to do this, but both DH and I had concerns about how often we'd see MIL and whether by arrangement etc. I worried about my MIL 'dropping in' a lot unannounced. The helpful thing for us was for me and her to talk about it and to agree that we'd need to be really open and frank with each other about how things are, the amount she comes to us and the amount of help I ask her for with childcare etc. We promised each other that we'd always tell one another if things overstepped any boundaries.

Roll forward 2 years and I have a great relationship with MIL and am really grateful for her help and support with the kids. I'd also say we're good friends - I invite her to stop in for coffee pretty often. We've had our run ins but nothing we haven't been able to discuss calmly and there are so many benefits for us all in the proximity; for the kids especially. The main reassurance for me is that she's really busy having her own life; if she'd been moving to near us I think I'd have worried about how much this would be the case.

The main sensitivity for me is actually my how this plays out with my SIL (MIL's daughter) who lives a couple of hours away...

There are also a few ground rules: I never say anything negative about DH at all and she doesn't comment on my housekeeping, how well I'm feeding her son or grandchildren or child discipline (unless she thinks it's a really serious issue!).

This could be a really great thing for all of you - it might be that concerns about it are making your DIL more jittery than the reality of it; as long as you're open and sensitive to her too this should be something you can overcome..

AutumnDreams Tue 29-Jan-13 17:24:46

I am in exactly the same situation that you are. Some time after my husband died, each of my two sons suggested that I might want to be closer to them. They are only an hour away from each other, but a long way from me.

Sadly, I too felt a coldness towards the idea, from both my daughters-in-law. Consequently, I have never followed up on the idea.

I am exceptionally close to both my boys, and they are in touch as often as they can be. I have tried very hard to have a loving relationship with their wives, but politeness is all I get back. I find it quite baffling, and it causes me a great deal of pain.

You will obviously weigh up the pro`s and cons in your own case, but I have decided not to risk any possible unhappiness. Good luck in what you decide.

Cailinsalach Tue 29-Jan-13 17:24:51

I think Mentlejen has made a few good points. Talk it over with your son and dil, have a think and then talk it over again.

Cailinsalach Tue 29-Jan-13 17:26:35

Just read that back and I mean Mentlejen has made many good points.
Sorry!

Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 17:33:26

Thank you for your helpful comments.
Here's some more background information. I see my son most weekdays as his business is in the town where I live (he took over the business from my late husband). I work in the office , as I have done for years and now I am on my own, it is an important part of my life, and I really enjoy it.
The suggestion to move nearer to him has come up because he is thinking of relocating the business to his home town. It is about 50 minutes away from me and he commutes here each day. He knows how much it means to me to be able to continue my job.
I do not see an awful lot of my dil , mainly because of the distance. My grandchildren are at school during the week and their weekends are usually quite busy. Rather than ring to speak to me, she tends to send messages via my son i.e suggestions for grandchildrens birthday presents. This is fine with me, as she knows I like to have suggestions, but I do feel it would be nicer if she actually rang me.

Pilgit Tue 29-Jan-13 18:05:42

There are some good suggestions here and ground rules - and making it clear to DIL that if it happened you wouldn't be the MIL of nightmares would be good. Speaking from my own experience - I get on realy well with my MIL and wouldn't have a problem with PIL living closer. On the speaking front I don't really call them, DH does it. I will email FIL about dates and stuff but mainly DH communicates (or doesn't as he's a bit shit at it). I haven't picked it up as I see this as the thin end of the wedge before long you're reminding them of their own mother's birthday and, quite frankly, I'm not his PA. So she might have the same approach -i.e. she doesn't do the communicating so that DH has to take responsibility for it for his own family. With my DH this has worked as he usually remembers (more to the point he'll observe it's his brothers birthday coming up then ask me the date.... I hold these things in my memory for some reason). So it might not mean anything.

Good luck and you DS sounds lovely (even if he did forget to discuss with his DW!)

lalalonglegs Tue 29-Jan-13 18:07:58

Unless your son lives in a two-house hamlet and by moving there, your dil's parents will never have the chance to relocate there as well, I really don't see what her problem is. You can try ringing her to reassure her that you won't be on her doorstep the whole time but she does sound unnecessarily hostile and unwelcoming.

I think your DIL is being a bit mean. If her parents moved to their town would they have to reassure your son that they wouldn't be dropping in? I'd guess not.

If you want to live in their town (and it sounds like it would be easier if the company moves there) then I think you should. Talk to your son, and by all means clarify your independence, but I think you can /shoukd reasonably expect to be more involved in their lives.

My ILs moved to our town recently, and it's great. The DCs love seeing more of their GPs, and it's nicer for them to see us for short times, more frequently than was possible before. I am generally the one who pops in to see the ILs as I do school pick ups and they live near the school.

Jux Tue 29-Jan-13 18:35:52

How can you moving to be near your work when the business relocates have an effect on whether your dil's parents move there too? This is a storm in a teacup. Your moving has nothing to do with her parents moving.

diddl Germany Tue 29-Jan-13 18:52:57

Well if you need to move for work then you do!

In fact, it´s entirely up to you where you live!

And of course even if you don´t move, her parents won´t suddenly be able to.

I can see she might be worried about you being there "all the time"-but that of course is also up to your son.

She does sound a bit odd/rude.

I find my MIL hard to get on with-but if I wanted her to buy something for one of the children, I can´t imagine not phoning to actually talk to her.

Do you get on with her as a rule?

Perhaps it has just brought it home how much she misses her Mum.

Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 19:07:01

It is so good to read all your comments as I am unable to talk about this with anyone at the moment (the possibility of moving the business is a bit 'top secret' at the moment).
I think that what is upsetting DIL is the fact that she has wanted her parents to live near her for so long and now there is a possibility I could be nearer them first.
Yes , I would look forward to seeing the GC more often and would enjoy them popping in, even if only for a few minutes. This is not possible now because of the distance involved.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 29-Jan-13 19:14:31

Autumn that is so sad. I am a mum to 2 boys, no daughters and I would be lying if I said that I don't worry about how welcome I will be in my son's homes in future.

OP - talk to your son. I think your DIL is being daft and unreasonable - after all you being there doesn't preclude her parents also being there in time!
And if he moves his business, then you will have to move otherwise you will have no job.

pictish Tue 29-Jan-13 19:16:50

Well...we can't always get what we want, and your dil needs to understand that.

I'm sorry but I think this is a no brainer. You should move! You have already made it clear you are not going to be bothering her in any way, and it's not up to her who gets to live where, anyhow!!

To not move there just because her parents can't, would be totally nonsensical. If she thinks that's a valid complaint, then she's a very silly woman.

pictish Tue 29-Jan-13 19:17:37

I think that what is upsetting DIL is the fact that she has wanted her parents to live near her for so long and now there is a possibility I could be nearer them first.

Oh well...that's life isn't it?

Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 19:28:21

i am just concerned that I don't cause a rift between my son and DIL and that it would be uncomfortable if I did move. I don't want my son to feel that he is the 'piggy in the middle' trying to please both his wife and myself.

NatashaBee Tue 29-Jan-13 19:29:18

I think your DIL is being a bit silly - you being nearer is not stopping her parents moving nearer if they also wish to. I think your son needs to stress to her that you have no intention of letting yourself in, or whatever else is worrying her about you being nearer.

Storm in a teacup indeed.

Your DIL is allowed to feel disappointed that her family can't move nearer, but that doesn't mean she's against you moving. I would seriously doubt she's said "my family can't move so I don't want your mum to". Even saying it sounds daft doesn't it?

I think you're seeing problems where there aren't any.

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 29-Jan-13 19:31:13

Be careful of moving to be nearer your son & dil and then when the 'family circumstances' preventing DS and dil moving at the moment then change. The discussion to move closer to her parents may then come up.

pictish Tue 29-Jan-13 19:31:58

Frankly, if you and he put the halters on this practical and appealing idea in order to placate your dil/his wife simply because her parents can't do the same, then there are problems in their marriage that need addressing.

I don't get why there's so many 'your DIL is unreasonable' posts when we don't even know what she's said.

Bloody hell I thought you meant you were going to be living with them.

I would go down the route if you needing to be there due to the business relocating. Maybe your son should sell it to her that the business does not relocate if you are going to be caused inconvenience by not feeling welcome to be living nearer to them.

But I would just do it. It's a free country, you can live where you bloody well like. She'll have to get used to the idea and stop acting like a petulant bloody child.

You are too nice!

Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 19:50:01

catching mocking birds - it's family circumstances that are preventing my DILs parents from moving not my son and DIL.
Keemanan - I hope you are right and this will turn out to be a storm in a teacup.
Anyway, I have some estate agents coming this week to give me a valuation!

EggRules Tue 29-Jan-13 20:03:56

You say you "would enjoy them popping in, even if only for a few minutes". If my inlaws moved closer this is what would concern me most.

I don't know how your dil feels however, I hate pop in visitors. Even if my ils didn't mind the house not being visitor ready I would. I have lived apart from family so the idea of no being prepared for visitors would really bother me.
Also, I work from home at lot and would hate the interuption.

It could be that you dil has been bamboozled by your DS. Whilst you would prefer different communication, your DIL may be entirely happy. Why shouldn't messages about your dgc come via your son?

diddl Germany Tue 29-Jan-13 20:08:14

If the DIL wishes her mum lived close-why can´t OP´s son also?

It´s not all about DIL & what she wants!

Egg- I think OP means her GC popping in to her as & when.

MerlotAndMe Tue 29-Jan-13 21:48:24

I sympathise. SOme women seem to expect their husband's mother to fade away for their convenience. however, saying that, I have no contact whatsoever with my xmil because she is a so nasty but I always welcomed her when I was with her son, and before she turned on me.

mentlejen Tue 29-Jan-13 22:28:27

Is strikes me, OP, that this is entirely your decision to make and a sensible one at that if the business is relocated. You're moving with your work and as far as DIL is concerned perhaps it could be stressed to her that this primary reason you're thinking of making a move..

The stuff about her own parents is just unhelpful noise in all this. Your decision to relocate has no bearing on what they can or can't do! I'd much rather have loving and capable grandparents around and involved than not, whichever grandparents that works for!

I think how your DS and DIL handle it is up to them to sort out. It might help them to know that there will still be plenty of respect for their boundaries and an ongoing negotiation about how you can best be part of each others' lives in a day to day sense.

I think a common DIL concern is that because of the quality of the mother and son relationship, the MIL can often see no wrong in the son and has a nagging (quiet) feeling that their DIL isn't quite good enough for their beloved son. Mothers seem to feel very protective over their sons in adulthood in a way they don't with daughters. And DIL's are keenly aware (and slightly over-sensitive) to this. As an older woman I know says ' your son is always your son. Your daughter grows into either your friend, enemy or caretaker'. Having MIL in close proximity might make DIL worried about highlighting these issues...

This is your decision, not your DIL's. Even if she has reservations about what you decide, the proof of the pudding will be in the eating of it. How you go about negotiating the contact and boundaries will be eventually much more important than her initial reaction to the idea right now. Don't let it put you off but let it help you think about how to map the road ahead.

If anyone had told me two years ago where my MIL and I would be today in terms of our relationship, respect and friendship - I wouldn't have believed it. I feel so lucky now to have her nearby. Good luck!

Jux Tue 29-Jan-13 22:36:33

EggRules, I think the op is not talking about popping in to theirs herself, she is talking about them popping in to her. Which they would only do if they wanted to. I don't get the impression that Concernedmil would be constantly putting upon her son's family. Far from it.

CM, I really do think that if your dil can't see how sensible it is for you to relocate along with the business, then she and your son will have much greater problems than anything you could cause.

On the face of it, it looks like there is some serious misunderstandings going on between them. Either he hasn't explained it properly to her, or she has badly misunderstood.

Unless she thinks that you will be popping in at the drop of a hat.

EggRules Tue 29-Jan-13 22:46:56

Sorry - you are right, OP would like DS pop in visitors. I am projecting my hatred of pop in visitors. There may not be a massive change but things will be different and this may concern DW/DIL.

Nobody knows why the tension exists. If it is because the op's DS hasn't discussed this with his wife until it's more or less sorted, I can understand it; I don't think the OP is responsible though.

diddl Germany Wed 30-Jan-13 07:26:38

The thing is though, why does anything need discussing with DIL?

OP doesn´t need her permission to move!

OK, so if OPs son talks to his wife about the business relocating, then maybe he could mention that OP might move with it.

But that´s the conversation really, isn´t it?

YellowTulips Wed 30-Jan-13 14:59:49

I would be tempted to go an visit your DS and DIL and speak to them face to face.

I love my MIL (and FIL, as do the children) but have to admit would be nervous about them moving "near" (they about about 2hrs away atm).

I really value my privicy and wouldn't want every weekend dominated by them or just popping round at will. As it is we see them every 6 weeks or so and call/skype regularly. I wouldn't mind them moving closer or seeing them more often, but I would be worried about our family unit being the sole centre of their social focus.

You have said you have no intention of doing this, but does she know that? Is it really about her parents? How well has your DS communicated to her about this (I love my DH, but I wouldn't "broker" this type of communication through him as its as much an emotional decision as a practical one).

Its a big move for you and I would be worried about pressing forward if they are unhappy - especially if it was due to a mis-understanding.

You have the opportunity to get all this out in the open with a visit. Get her involved in the house hunting. Make clear you are not looking to move next door - look at locations that are 30/40 mins away i.e.easy to visit, but not just "pop in" and give you both a degree of social privicy. Explain how you will build your own social circle in your new location and that you have no intention of them being the sole focus of your life. Set expectations of how often you would visit. Say how nice it would be if her family could move closer in time etc etc.

I would love it if the PILs lived closer to us. They're many hours drive away at the moment, so we don't get to see them much and when we do it's always a bit full on. DH drives MIL mad and she can't cope with staying in the same house as him for too long (he is quite annoying, tbh). There are so many advantages of having GPs close: they could babysit, visits could be short and at everyone's convenience (and everyone could go home and sleep in their own beds), they could take the kids out when it suits them/us, etc, etc. The kids would love it!

I don't understand your DIL's reasoning here at all. Your moving closer has absolutely nothing to do with whether her parents can move closer to them. It would be very odd to take a 'well if my parents can't live close, neither can yours' line on this. There's no advantage to it. But people can be odd...

Concernedmil Wed 30-Jan-13 16:18:02

Just bumping as can't find this in relationships now - only when I look in 'thread that I am on@

Mytimewillcome Wed 30-Jan-13 16:28:30

Is there more to this? I can't believe that your DIL would communicate with you via your son unless something had happened to make her do this. I know I do this with my MIL because of things that have happened in the past. I can't believe it is simply because she wanted her parents to move near her.

Crinkle77 Wed 30-Jan-13 16:33:00

Sorry but your DIL sounds a little pathetic. So she would be upset if you moved nearer to them before her parents did?

AThingInYourLife Wed 30-Jan-13 16:42:12

"I think that what is upsetting DIL is the fact that she has wanted her parents to live near her for so long and now there is a possibility I could be nearer them first."

confused

That makes no sense.

You can live where you like. She gets no say in the matter unless you are moving into their home.

"I can't believe that your DIL would communicate with you via your son unless something had happened to make her do this."

I communicate with my MIL through DH mostly.

I'm afraid that if I started communicating with her directly, he would stop.

He is terribly lazy about that kind of thing.

I don't want it to end up that he communicates with his own mother through me.

I'm very fond of her though.

EggRules Wed 30-Jan-13 17:14:30

I communicate with my mil through her son. Firstly, he should take responsibility for conversations about his own child with his mum (I'm not prepared to be family PA). Secondly, he is another one that wouldn't communicate unless he took the initiative. I catch up with my own parents what's app, fb and text. I don't always have time to chat on the phone.

How do you know what the dil feels about the situation?

nefertarii Wed 30-Jan-13 18:15:54

I think the dil is pissed off as your son has come up with this amazing plan and spoke to you first. usually in marriages you would speak to your partner first. even if its just a 'i was thinking of relocating the business nearer home and I thought I might see if mum wanted to move closer' type conversation. not asking permission but keeping your partner upto date.

Or is it possible that since you spend % days a week with your son, its a bit much to move so you can see them on weekends too? Is it possible she thinks your relationship is a bit ott?

Seriouslysleepdeprived Wed 30-Jan-13 18:37:35

I also communicate with my mil through DH. I occasionally email or text direct but will often get a message back via DH which he always forgets to give me. For ages I thought she was being rude! She's not. She's a v nice woman.

I would love my pil to move closer and to see them a bit more. It's a bit one sided with DH's family, we always need to trek their way. Would be great to have people popping in and being involved. DS would love it smile

Springdiva Wed 30-Jan-13 19:34:35

Well, what's meant by 'near'.

I wouldn't want my mil near. The next town yes, a bus ride away, maybe, but just up the road no.

You don't say what age you are OP but if you feel you are getting older and will need help with things soon then if I was dil I would be a bit wary. This is what my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them sounds like to me.

If you are moving to reduce the commute distance to work and because the new town will provide a vibrant and exciting social life for you then move. If you are moving so that family can fill empty time then not so good. But you could say that you will be available for babysitting regularly, rather than expecting them to pop in. But you don't say what age the GCs are.

fluffyraggies England Wed 30-Jan-13 19:44:47

About the communicating through the DS bit: my DH does the communicating with his mum about stuff and i do any communicating with mine. It's not because we hate our MILs it's because ... well ... when his mum rings he answers and she chats to him and vice versa. If we're all face to face we all chat together. But that situation only occurs every 5 or 6 weeks. Also don't forget in OPs case she actually sees her son every day.

OP i think you're doing the right thing by treading carefully as, as reasonable or unreasonable as it may seem to some, this could indeed be a potential mine field.

Is the 'coolness' from your DIL any way related, do you think, by the amount you and your DS see of each other? (as you work in the same business). Perhaps your DIL hears allot about what you think, though your DS, or finds he relays allot of family stuff to you that she might have kept quiet about? I don't know. I'm just fishing about for things to think about re: your DS, your DIL, and you that you may not have thought of. I wouldn't worry too much about her parents moving/not moving. That's up to them.

Personally I wouldn't trust my DH (or anyone else) as a go between for my MIL and me on an issue as important and delicate as who moves where, and how i feel about my parents. He just wouldn't be able to get the nuances right i don't think. Also, if i heard through my DH that my MIL was thinking of moving close by i would expect a little face to face something from her to me to make sure i was ok with it. It's common sense MIL/DIL stuff smile

I think you need to sit down with your DIL, perhaps without your DS, and tell her how you feel, how you're are worried about how she feels, and get it all out in the open.

Ok, I realise I'm biased about this because I really love my ILs, and I'm overjoyed that they have moved to our town. But, can't the DIL see that it will be nice for her DCs to have closer access to their grandparent? For the OP to be able to go to sports day, or concerts, or just help with homework?

Most of us will be MILs at some point, and I think it's worth treating people as you would hope to be treated yourself.

fluffyraggies England Thu 31-Jan-13 11:07:03

But that's exactly it chrysanthemum. Not all of us are the same about what is a nice way to be treated IYKWIM?

For eg: i hate being 'popped in on', at home. I like my space and i like to know who's coming into it and when. An exception to this that i can foresee is my DCs, once they've left home. My door will always be open to them, and i will tell them so. My DCs, however, may well not be ok about me popping in on them. And if and when that time comes i'll respect that because the dynamics are different.

I'm not saying OP is a 'pop in'er', just using this as an example of how perfectly good intentions can go wrong.

This is why it's important for OP to talk to her DIL. It's not good to assume someone will be fine about something just because you are. Once things are discussed properly the DIL probably will start to see the good in having her MIL close by.

Communication, communication, communication smile

diddl Germany Thu 31-Jan-13 12:51:45

Thing is, it´s not really anything to do with DIL, is it?

If the office is to be moved & it´s more convenient for OP, then why shouldn´t she move?

It will only concern DIL if OP turns up frequently expecting to be let in...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 31-Jan-13 13:40:32

Springdiva - who should a MIL turn to for help then, if not her own children? If you would help your own parents then why shouldn't your husband help his? Especially if they have no daughter.

HollyMadison Thu 31-Jan-13 13:43:17

Am I the only one who doesn't get why DS/DH is discussing with his mother what seems to be private conversations between him and his wife (albeit we don't know what is said)? I'd be livid if I found my DH was doing this.

I agree with others about the communication about DC's presents being with DH. Why should it be between MIL and DIL anyway? Isn't DS/DH the DC's parent too?

I've tied myself in knots with the acronyms so I'll leave now! Although if I were you OP I wouldn't start planning a move until the office relocation is actually sorted!

diddl Germany Thu 31-Jan-13 14:14:06

Perhaps he also wants his mother´s opinion before he relocates the business that she works at!

TheCatIsEatingIt Thu 31-Jan-13 14:30:04

I think you need to talk to DS and DIL and sort out your expectations of each other. She might be sad that her parents are far away, but that doesn't mean she and the kids couldn't enjoy having you nearer - maybe she's worried that you're a popper-in and she likes to be prepared for visitors - that's manageable as long as you talk about it in advance.

My parents and ILs are both 10 minutes walk away, and it works really well. MIL is a popper-in, but she understands that if I'm working, I won't invite her in, and if I'm free, I will. She also understands that if we're both really busy with work, housework takes a back seat for a few days. Both sets have a key, but neither uses it to let themselves in unexpectedly.

nefertarii Thu 31-Jan-13 14:36:22

I am really confused. op have you spoke to dil if not how to you know she is bothered by this?

I assumed you had spoken to her.

Springdiva what a mean and selfish post!

What is family for? I most certainly hope to be in a position to help, and spend time with my dps and pils as they get older.

Springdiva Thu 31-Jan-13 20:34:28

Springdiva what a mean and selfish post

Well, the perfect scenario is that the OP lives happily ever after near her DS and DDIL but there seem to be undercurrents in her post that this might not happen.

She needs to speak to her DIL but the fact that this isn't mentioned by her as her obvious answer suggests she is wary of how this could go.

I repeat that she should try to get a life of her own so that DDIL doesn't feel she will have a needy relative dependent on them. This is what I would do. Then I would offer babysitting or whatever to help out DS and DDIL and then you are contributing to their lives and not waiting for them to contribute to yours.

EggRules Thu 31-Jan-13 21:02:52

I don't think Springdivas posts are mean or selfish. I relocated to a different city and moved in with my OH and it was isolating at first. I met a lot of friends through work and now have a great social life outside of my DH and DS. The OP needs to consider how she will spend her free time out of work, especially as she gets closer to retirement and leaving the business.

I get on ok with my in laws but wouldn't want to live opposite them to recreate the Barone's in Everybody Loves Raymond.

Treat others how you want to be treated is a two way street.

There are undercurrents of the OP being viewed as a second class citizen - having to tread carefully and make herself useful?!

I took it as a given that OP would make a life for herself in the new place; I certainly didn't make an automatic assumption she could potentially be a burden.

EggRules Thu 31-Jan-13 22:40:34

The OP needs to consider her quality of life outside of work and ensure this will either the remain the same or improve.

AutumnDreams Fri 01-Feb-13 01:20:31

I repeat that she should try to get a life of her own so that DDIL doesn't feel she will have a needy relative dependent on them. This is what I would do. Then I would offer babysitting or whatever to help out DS and DDIL and then you are contributing to their lives and not waiting for them to contribute to yours..

The OP has not been back on this thread, and quite frankly reading this arrogance, and total dismissal of her as a intelligent woman, I`m not surprised. She has handed the main running of a company that she started with her late husband, to her son. The son feels it would be a good idea, for it to be re-located to the town he lives in, and his mother move house to the same town. All perfectly acceptable thus far, if she is comfortable with this. To suggest that she needs to "get a life" is insulting. She most certainly has a life, running a business, and has stated that she would not be "popping in" to visit the DIL. To suggest that she should justify her presence by offering to babysit, and other things, whilst at the same time being told to expect nothing in return, is at best cruel, and at it`s very worst shows a total lack of respect and recognition for all that she has done for her sons, over many years, before they had partners. Some of the comments made on here are, quite frankly, insulting and hurtful, and are definitely not condusive to a possible pleasant family relationship.

bellabelly England Fri 01-Feb-13 01:56:01

Haven't read all the posts but OP - you sound lovely and considerate. The fact that you are thinking about DIL's possible reservations shows that you're not likely to overstep boundaries etc etc.

My in-laws recently moved to our (small) town and I have to say that I had a few reservations about the idea (and so did they, I think) but it's been wonderful so far and I'm so pleased that they did. My Mil had a frank conversation with me about how we would have to "tread carefully" (her words, not mine) to make sure neither of us was being too full on and that in itself reassured me massively. It's lovely to see more of them, they babysit (when mutually convenient) which is incredibly welcome, they pop round (pre-arranged) to see DCs, we sometimes see them for dinner/drinks after Dcs are in bed, I never feel crowded - and i'm someone who REALLY values my privacy! I also find it very reassuring that as they get older and health issues become worse, we are on hand rather than miles away. And my DCs are much closer now to their GPs, which is lovely to see. My own parents (well, my mum really) had been making noises for a while about moving closer to us but it hasn't happened. Oh well.

So, that's just my experience BUT I suppose I'm saying that the reservations your DIL might have are perfectly normal and don't necessarily mean that she's AGAINST the idea, just that a) she might have been talking to her DH about worst case scenarios and b) DHs are often rubbish at reporting back conversations - a lot gets lost in translation, I find... think you need to have a face-to-face conversation with your DS and DIL, and then see how YOUfeel about it all.

Autumn Dreams I completely agree. Some of the above comments really shocked me!

I find this thread really sad. It seems that quite a few people see their husband's parents as much less important than their own. And, worse, people accept that this is OK, perfectly understandable.

diddl Germany Fri 01-Feb-13 09:12:00

Well tbh, my husband´s parents are less important to me than my own.

I find them hard to get on with & tbh, even if they lived next door I don´t see why I should suddenly like them more or want to see them more often.

Husband & children could do as they pleased though.

Concernedmil Fri 01-Feb-13 09:22:03

I have been reading all your comments and thought it was time I can back onto the thread.
AutumnDreams Thank you for your kind words.

I would like to point out that when my son and DIL were first married , they lived for about 4 years in the town where the business is situated and where I live. We had a good relationship, and I certainly did not keep 'popping in', although I was at hand to help out in any way if they needed it. Because DIL wished to live nearer her parents, they have since moved twice in their direction, and now live approx. halfway between us.

have lots more I would like to say but finding it difficult to put into words. Will have a think about it and come back again.

diddl Germany Fri 01-Feb-13 09:26:22

Glad you came back, OP.

Perhaps DIL is hoping that they & the business relocate nearer her parents??

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now