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AIBU.. dp going out

(96 Posts)
chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 18:29:07

hi there, background is: dp and i been together a yr. i have a 3 yr old dd from previous relationship (dd does see her dad regularly) dp doesnt live with us but we are planning on getting a place together later in the year.

anyway, dp went out last night. heavy one and got home at 8am. we had arranged on fri that dp would take me to the supermarket today (i dont yet drive) i hadn't heard from him this morning but i decided to go first thing anyway as i didnt want to wait around for him. did shopping, took dd to park afterwards. got a call at 2, had a chat, he had a great night, all fine. i assumed we would be seeing him this eve, so i invited him round for dinner. he said that he would need to sleep as too tired. i feel pissy but not sure why, and just wondering how others would feel? it is hard and lonely being a single parent, as dp and i are planning on moving in together im expecting him to, i dunno... prioritize us. i feel a bit hurt and rejected. i also feel deeply resentful (unreasonable i know) that he can go out on a bender and i cant. am i being over the top? thank you for reading.

sarahseashell Sun 27-Jan-13 18:58:04

8am? shock what's that all about did he stay at a mates or something?

did you mention about the supermarket and did he apologise for not giving you a lift as previously arranged? (good that you went on your own though)

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 19:04:24

yeah there was a party after the club at one of his mates houses, it was a birthday do. i immediately said i'd already been to the supermarket and he said 'oh cool' (he was on his way round to get me wen he called) i dunno if it is that he didn't take me thats bothering me, as i thought it would turn into a messy one so kind of sensed i couldnt rely on him this morn! its that he didnt come round after to see me / us...

ImperialBlether Sun 27-Jan-13 19:08:16

I'll probably get yelled at for this, but are you sure a man who likes partying until 8am is ready to move in with a woman with a young family?

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 19:08:17

I don't think yabu. I think yabu for feeling resentful as it is not his fault you have a child and I'm assuming that you are free to do as you want within the constraints of having a child. But not unreasonable to be annoyed that he let you down.

I think it would depend on whether this was a one off or he does things like this regularly. Everyone can go out and have one too many and it ruins the next day, I've done it and stayed out all night pre child. But now I have a child I wouldn't really want to be with somebody who regularly prioritizes boozey nights, and/or frequently let me down on plans because of it.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 19:11:39

Oh ok so he was still going to take you to the supermarket? That makes it much less of an issue then imo.

But I kind of agree with Imperial too.

I can see why you'd be a bit miffed that he wasn't coming round but I think it really depends on how things are generally.

I have a family and (very occassionaly) go out partying until all hours. If its a once in a blue moon outing then its not really an issue imo.

He was still going to take you to the supermarket, you assumed he was coming tonight but he hadn't said anything about it and he wanted to catch up on his sleep, I can't see he has done anything wrong really.

sooperdooper Sun 27-Jan-13 19:21:25

As a one off, although I'd be annoyed he didn't call sooner as he'd promised you a lift, I don't think it's that bad

I don't think it's fair to feel annoyed that he can go out like that and you can't, he doesn't have the responsibility of a child, so really there's no reason he can't go out whenever he wants

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 19:24:09

just putting dd to bed then will respond,,, thank you so far x

Is he normally reliable or does he do this a lot? If it's a one off, well fair enough, a birthday isn't just an average night out, but what's the bigger picture like?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 20:04:49

this is the first time he has done this since we've been together. when its been the 2 of us going out, well im a lot less hardcore than he is and we go home at 3 or something (as i have picking my dd up the next afternoon always at the back of my mind!)

my underlying fear though, is that this party lifestyle is still v attractive to him (he used to be a big party animal before i met him) and i don't feel we are 'enough' for him if he needs to go out to this extent.... that is my fear, as i cant partake in this level of partying (due to dd)

sooperdooper i get what you mean, but if we lived together, i would not be ok with him going out whenever he wanted, as living together means being a family (to me) so theres financial responsibilty there. of course once in a while is ok, but not behaving as a free person, basically.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 20:11:32

How old are you both, just wondering?

izzyizin Sun 27-Jan-13 20:12:08

Have you talked to him about your concerns and expectations if you live together?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 20:19:07

i am almost 30, he is 36. (do we sound young??)

i have talked to him about expectations, about what i want, i.e. not a boyfriend who i live with who dips in and out of our lives as he pleases, but a 'life partner' (for want of a better word) who shares parenting, domesticity, it all. he agrees it is what he wants. part of me thinks, you don't know what you are getting yourself in for!! (he has no children)

i havent spoken to him about going out specifically, as it has not been an issue before.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 20:21:21

also, do you think i should just write this off or talk about it? i can see its not a very big deal as its only happened once. but.. im the kind of person if i have something on my chest i have to get it out.. but i can see i'd need to just flag it up to his attention without it being an 'issue'.. do you think that sounds sensible or not?

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 20:26:01

No, I just wondered, if you'd said he was 21 I might have thought hmm... Although I do realise age doesn't necessarily come into it.

I think it's a good thing that you know what you want and expect out of the relationship and have discussed it. I think his actions will speak volumes and you'll be able to tell soon enough if he's ready for settling down.

izzyizin Sun 27-Jan-13 20:27:33

It's happened 'once' in how long? Is this the first and only time?

If it is the first time he's gone on a bender of this magnitude, you could refer to humorously along the lines of 'you've given yourself a good send off prior to entering the joys of the monastery being committed to family life - as we've previously discussed etc etc'.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 20:35:55

Really hard to say going on what you've said so far. I think others here will be able to offer more practical advice. Is it the first time he hasn't come over when you thought he might, and you've ended up feeling a bit hurt? Do you see him often? Is he generally reliable and does what he says he'll do?

The most important thing I would be looking for is his actions rather than what he says.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 20:36:02

we've been together a year. he went on holiday with friends in the summer and had a crazy one, but that was a festival that was booked before we got together, and i knew about it, and it didn't feel like it was implicating our lives, so to speak. since then we have discussed and made plans to move in, which makes this behaviour (albeit a one off) ring alarm bells in me.

what do other people do with regards to boundaries in going out, in relationships? it feels like a grey area as he is not dd's father. on the one hand he has responsibility and commitment if we live together, on the other it feels weakened as he is not dd's dad.. wheres the line?? whats the rule?!

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:09

sparklyjumper he is actually very reliable and dependable, has shown these things very much since we have been together. he was still going to take me to the supermarket today (at the last minute!) but its more the fact i felt he should have come to see me / us this afternoon. i know im making a massive deal out of this, just cant seem to shake the resentment, hurt. maybe im still reeling in pain from previous relationship with dd's dad.. im so pissed off and sad that i am doing this on my own, and i want my partner to be here with me, sharing it.

sarahseashell Sun 27-Jan-13 20:43:05

are you planning to have dcs with him eventually? you're wise to think about all this now and I'd give it at least another year from the time you were planning to move in together until you actually move in with him, and see how he behaves over time/how frequently this sort of thing happens, so you can think about whether it's right for you or not.

I'm quite surprised he didn't take you up on the offer of dinner given that he has a hangover smile

sarahseashell Sun 27-Jan-13 20:43:54

x post. what happened with dd's dad, if you don't mind my asking?

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 20:45:52

It really depends on the individuals. There aren't really any limits as such are there? I think it depends on whether they are responsible and not going out spending all the money, whether you trust them, whether their nights out are ruining the following day and quality time together, whether they are supportive to you, so say if you had an emergency would they be there. But I think if you are going to live together ultimately you do become a family and to say 'oh but they're not dc father' is a bit of a cop out.

Numberlock Sun 27-Jan-13 20:46:49

Would you normally see him on a Sunday? How much time do you spend apart in an average week? Even if you live together, you should both be planning to spend time independently of each other, not living in ech other's pockets. Be careful that you don't make this guy your be all and end all, he sounds like a decent guy to me.

izzyizin Sun 27-Jan-13 20:48:04

There are no set 'rules' or 'lines'; it's what each couple are happy/comfortable with and it would be unrealistic to imagine that you're going to be totally joined at the hip and only socialise as a couple after you've moved in together.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 20:50:03

I don't think you're making a massive deal out of nothing, I completely understand your fears/concerns and how the lines can seem blurred when you have a relationship not with dc father. I suppose because ultimately you don't feel as though you can place the same expectation as you would the dc father, but yet somehow there is still an expectation.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 21:04:49

dd's dad left me, after 2 years of emotional abuse and with-holding sex, as i was not attractive enough (his reason. even with low self esteem i know this is bollocks!) and he wanted to play the field and sleep with other women, which is precisely what he has been doing since he left. i have been in therapy (still am) i am paranoid current dp will leave, as he will find me and family life boring (as dd's dad did) and i know this paranoia shadows my feelings about this particular going out issue...

i am not planning on having dc's with dp. i had horrendous pnd with dd which has scared me enough to put me off doing it again (plus, i have no desire to have any more, am a full time student atm) and dp does not want children of his own either.

dp is very sensible with money actually and i trust him not to booze it away. i agree sparklyjumper, living together means family, means you do it all, not just the bits that are 'easy'

we dont have any days that we definitely see each other, but he naturally would have come over today as it had been a couple of days since we last saw each other. we usually see each other twice in the week, and at the weekends.

Numberlock, he is a decent guy. i think its my fear / paranoia that is the problem

FriedSprout Sun 27-Jan-13 21:07:35

Would he actually have been safe to drive after being up all night drinking anyway?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 21:08:28

yes sparklyjumper, thats exactly it. i place the same expectation, but that expectation had dd's father running, so was it too much to ask?

(expectation = to share everything equally, to want a relationship still)

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 21:14:24

Do you get chance to socialise without dp? So does your dd's dad have her overnight, or a relative, or even your dp? Even if you're not into going out drinking. It's important to do something so that you don't end up feeling too dependent on him which will also help with self esteem and feeling resentful.

I hope you manage to find the right balance for your relationship and that it works out.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 21:19:00

I don't think you can blame yourself in anyway for your exes behaviour, but you also can't hold it against your current boyfriend iyswim?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 21:24:51

i do socialise without my dp, dd goes to her dads overnight once a week so i have a night off. i either see friends (and then go to dp's late at end of night) or see dp. dont have the money to go out alot but i do make sure i see friends at theirs/mine with wine etc.

yes im mindful of not putting past issues on dp. it can be hard to untangle feelings and find their true cause or root sometimes hey? thats why bashing it out on mn or with friends can be very insightful! thank you all smile

Dunno really, maybe I'm a stick in the mud, but if I was going to move in with someone I wouldn't be happy if they were to go out and stay out till 8am (once we were living together, IYSWIM). Not sure why. Going on separately, fine, staying out occasionally till 2 or 3, fine. But 8am, not fine. That basically writes off the next day (actually, maybe that's why I wouldn't be OK with it). And I wouldn't really be happy with my child growing up in a house where her stepdad spends the day sleeping off his partying.

BTW I was very surprised when you said he's 36.

sarahseashell Sun 27-Jan-13 21:47:10

me too shock I thought more like 26 from your OP

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:15:41

oh really? all his partying mates range from late 20's to late 30's, and don't have any children. infact.. in other circles ive moved in, its the older lot who seem to be a bit wilder.. years of practice i guess!

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 27-Jan-13 22:30:13

When you say "partying" mates and night getting messy, are we talking drugs or just alcohol?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:34:38

drugs too, yes.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:37:51

which for dp's part, involve mdma and ketamine. (has done these drugs for years) i have dabbled with mdma but i wouldnt take ketamine

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 27-Jan-13 22:41:11

I think if you know that it's that sort of night, you should expect it'll be fairly likely that the next day will be a write-off. He hasn't cancelled any plans, so I don't think he's really done anything wrong.

However, when you move in together, will you still be happy for him to have nights like this, even if it's only once in a while? Will it be ok for him to come back in the morning, wired, then take himself off to bed for the day? Reading between the lines, I'm assuming that you don't partake yourself.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:45:44

yes, which is why i knew to take myself to the supermarket this morn! smile

the once in a while element of this kind of night is acceptable if we live together. which to me means no more than twice a year. providing i get the same level of lie-in / break.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 23:00:36

hmm, it would put me off a lot a 36 year old who hasn't given up their party drugs yet. I know it's personal choice for me those days were long gone once dc came along, and that would mean any partner too. no wonder he didn't want to come over

Numberlock Sun 27-Jan-13 23:10:06

This would be a deal breaker for me too.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 23:14:16

can i ask why it would be a deal breaker?

although i dont get on it like dp does, i dont think its any more of a problem than if he was out drinking every now and then

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 23:25:20

all sorts of reasons that are personal opinions rather than necessarily facts. a comedown can be 10x worse than a hangover and can cause terrible mood swings. I believe prolonged use of drugs can affect mental health. I'm not keen on binge drinking either but alcohol is socially acceptable and legal, drugs aren't . I'm not condemning drug use but for me they have their time and place and in a different life to that I'd want around a dc. there's just something about his age and not having stopped doing drugs that doesn't sit well with being ready to settle down. but it really is only my personal opinion.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 23:34:58

thanks for your reply sparklyjumper. I have many friends who have taken and still take drugs. i occasionally do (v occasionally! and not to magnitiude of an 8am finish anymore!) because i know lots of people that do, that are in their 30's, i dont see it as a big deal. but i understand that this isnt the norm.

but the drugs and not wanting to settle down... yes i question this too. well its the first time really, so i'll see how it goes over the next couple of months

Bunbaker Sun 27-Jan-13 23:54:26

"which for dp's part, involve mdma and ketamine."

That would be a deal breaker for me and wave massive red flags. I just wouldn't want to be involved with someone who takes illegal drugs.

I agree with sparklyjumper. It doesn't sound like your partner wants to settle down.

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 10:23:53

I wouldn't be involved with anyone who did illegal drugs and definitely would not live with them with a young child in the equation.

Does he do other recreational drugs, eg smoke weed?

In your case as the drugs are not a dealbreaker, I would suggest you just carry on dating for the time being. There's no need to live together, just enjoy each other's company during your child-free time whilst continuing to enjoy time with your daughter and time with friends.

Does he own his own home or rent/share with friends?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 10:49:49

Huge red flag and deal breaker.

That lifestyle is cliquey, and addictive. There is no way on this earth that I would move a man like that into my child's home. What if some of these mates decide that a party back at yours after the club is a good idea - and your DP thinks that because he is paying half the bills (I hope) that he has the right to ask who he likes to come back to his home? How will you feel if your DD can't come down and play with her toys in her pjs in the morning because your living room is full of blokes on a comedown?

It sounds like he still likes to think of himself as a young party animal, and isn't ready to settle down and embrace responsibility.

How are his finances, does he work? What had you discussed about how you would share costs when he moves into your house?

By all means carry on dating him, but I really would urge you not to move him into your home.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 10:55:05

Are you crazy ?

Do not move in with this man

Branleuse Mon 28-Jan-13 11:00:27

you dont live toegther. I wouldnt give it a second thought.

chocolatepuff Mon 28-Jan-13 11:25:13

I understand people are scared of drugs if they have never taken them, and don't know people that do. The media portray a v negative picture of drug use so I'm not surprised you think I'm crazy. He would never have friends round doing drugs, he isn't a teen or an arsehole.

chocolatepuff Mon 28-Jan-13 11:31:54

He doesn't smoke weed, or cigarettes. He hardly drinks.

I know we don't live together so not an issue now, but as we are planning to, it's something I'm thinking about and questioning.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 11:31:58

he is a drug user who loses whole days due to his lifestyle

that is not a good example for your child

booge Mon 28-Jan-13 11:39:52

I've been part of that party lifestyle, in the past. It would be a complete red flag to me now - Children and getting off your head (legally or illegally) are not compatible.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 11:40:09

chocolate - don't assume ignorance. I used to be involved in a scene like that, when I was very much younger and had no responsibilities - it is an enormous amount of fun, provided that your behaviour doesn't impact on anyone else.

I met many men like your DP, and they cut a rather sad figure, still trying to pretend they are 21.

This is not the kind of lifestyle that you want to potentially expose your DD to. I would say the same about a man who went out drinking alcohol until 8am and then wrote off the whole of the next day.

You haven't answered any questions about his current set-up/finances?

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 11:42:09

OP, I find your "you don't understand about drugs" comment patronising.

chocolatepuff Mon 28-Jan-13 11:46:15

Yes, am trying to work out how attractive that life still is to him. This is the first time he has done this, all behaviour up till now has been committed and conducive to family life.

He works full time, reasonable wage. and rents a flat on his own. Has done for years.

chocolatepuff Mon 28-Jan-13 11:47:37

Sorry if I sound patronising. Typing quickly as out, not thinking through how I am putting things

pepperrabbit Mon 28-Jan-13 11:50:38

You don't live together and already you find yourself disappointed and feeling let down that he isn't automatically putting you first.
He really doesn't sound ready to grow up tbh, and he may never be if he is still "partying" at 36.
That in itself doesn't make him a bad person, but when you are clearly seeking a life partner/full commitment it makes him the wrong person.
Drugs would be a deal breaker for me btw and I don't think that not taking them makes me completely ignorant of them and their potential impacts on a child.

akaemmafrost Mon 28-Jan-13 12:30:21

I've taken LOTS of drugs in the past. I think there can be a lot of hand wringing and OTT reactions on here to their use by MNetters who have never done them and don't know much about them. However I would never choose to be someone who regularly takes drugs as part of their social life and I certainly would not be moving them in to play a parental role with my dc.

Why? Because I don't think the two mix, family life and drugs, no matter how minimally they are used. I wouldn't want someone on a nasty coke, ket or MDMA comedown around my children. It almost feels deceptive towards them and I wouldn't want someone with that horrible stuff in their body hugging or being near them and that's even before you factor in the lying around being no good to anyone for hours on end.

I don't use anything anymore because they're just horrible and damaging substances and I don't know anyone who says "you know what? I am really glad I took all those drugs in my twenties". Oh and another thing, there's nothing less attractive than a middle aged drug user. I'd tell him that. Sensible people grow up and out of drugs IMO. I would have real concerns about someone still into them at his age.

akaemmafrost Mon 28-Jan-13 12:31:51

Be with someone

Junebugjr Mon 28-Jan-13 12:41:20

Up until you mentioned the drugs bit, it didn't seem much of a big deal.

I've been on both sides of this, had a partying lifestyle in my 20's, lots of drugs, clubs often for the entire weekend (no kids). I now work a bit with people who have drug issues with their kids along for the ride.

Because you are around people who are still into this lifestyle and partake a bit yourself, it is normalised for you. Possibly making decisions on what is and what is not acceptable may be harder. Drug use whether recreational or not can have a big impact when your in a family type situation as everything is more magnified and let's face it, more stressful. Your DP may manage his lifestyle now when he has time to properly recover, with peace and quiet. This is going to be more difficult in a family context. There's no way on gods earth I'd want to deal with kids on a comedown, not only for my own sanity, but tbh I think it's totally irresponsible of the adult if its you or him. At the age of 30 and over it just sounds a bit sad to be popping E's <sorry judgy pants> Why are you putting yourself at risk with illegal drugs while you have a 3 yr old? God knows what's in some of them.

It sounds like a difficult situation, you can't really be putting the thumbscrews on, but also I can see why you feel bad. Instead of upping and moving in with each other, maybe do a few trial weeks before hand. See how you get on.

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 12:55:16

I too do understand about drugs. I've taken plenty in my pre child days and been into the scene. I've come home from clubs at 10am and not even been able to sleep until 6pm as I was still coked/pilled up to the eyeballs. I completely understand and know it's not the same as being a herion addict. I only took stuff at the weekend and not even every weekend, and often didn't even drink alcohol with it.

But it's still a dirty lifestyle and not something that can mix with family life in any way imo. I know he's not like that and he's not going to be meeting his dealer outside your front door, or bringing his mates back, or even having the drugs in the house. I DO understand I really do. But just the fact that he's still dabbling in drugs at 36 rings big alarm bells. Comedowns are also totally different to a hangover, when you said he didn't want to come over I assumed he was just knackered but as a pp said losing a whole day on a comedown just doesn't fit in with family life.

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 12:58:48

Basically I couldn't have put it any better than akaemmafrost and junbugjr

Drugs and families don't Mix. Would you expect your daughter to spend a day or two tiptoeing round mums boyfriend because he had a comedown from hell?

What happens when he gets into a K-hole?

I've used a lot of drugs in the past, mainly rec use but I would never let someone who uses them be part of my family. It isn't happy or healthy.

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 13:38:55

I think you were asking the wrong question in your original post, OP.

There's no problem with what he did, birthday night out with mates, didn't see you the next day but still offered to stick to a pre-arranged shopping plan.

But you missed the drugs out of the above equation.

Therefore, I think the question you have to ask yourself is "Do I want to set up home with a regular drug user, given that

(a) he will no longer have his own home to escape to when he's been on an all-nighter
(b) all the related issues that come with this lifestyle and

(c) (most importantly) I have a child to consider."

Personally I disagree Numberlock, I'd have trouble letting a guy share a home with me and my daughter if he stayed out at parties till 8am, even if it wasn't down to drugs, and even if it was only once every few months.

Devendra Mon 28-Jan-13 17:41:43

Drugs are not bad..people are!! He sounds like a lovely guy who likes to party now and then. I am 41 with two children, a responsible job, nice house, all sorts of friends and lovely family. Every now and then (around once a month) I go out and party, usually all night and sometimes some of the next day too smile
I have used mdma, ketamine, lsd, mushroooms. I never drink alcohol and I stopped smoking years ago.
My gorgeous DP is happy to hold the fort at home and occasionally comes out too if we can get a sitter. We do festivals/party together more in the summer. We have a great relationship and I love the fact that once a month I get to relax/let my hair down.
I take drugs but it doesn't mean I am not a good mother/partner/professional.
Alcohol causes more damage/deaths than than all the other so called 'illegal' drugs put together.
He sounds lovely, and you have partied with him so can't expect him to stop socialising and doing what he enjoys. of course there is always balance and if he was out every weekend then thats not on, but he sounds like he is sorted.
I hope it all works out for you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 18:24:25

Devendra - I'm sorry but it does make you a bad mother. You have no idea what is in the stuff you are taking, no matter how much you think you can trust your dealer - these people are in it to make money and they don't give a flying fuck who gets hurt. You could very easily get a bad pill and die. I would judge someone who was an alcoholic and a parent in exactly the same way - the difference is that drinking one glass of wine isn't going to kill you, one pill could.

And they are illegal, not 'so called illegal' hmm I'm sorry but yours is a typical druggie attitude 'I haven't got hurt so it must be fine'.

Branleuse Mon 28-Jan-13 18:28:18

you wont get an unbiased response now youve mentioned drugs OP

I dont see the difference in that and getting drunk either. Neither is ideal, but everyones got their poison

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 18:48:02

Hello drugs are illegal, whether or not you agree with that is besides the point. Drugs do contain all kinds of nasties the type of drugs you're taking are also can also cause hallucinations and you cannot possibly predict the effect.

Junebugjr Mon 28-Jan-13 20:14:27

If these drugs were regulated and controlled, I would kind of agree with you devendra and branleuse.

But seeing as an MDMA tablet could contain anything or be cut with other drugs LSD etc, which may give the user a experience they haven't prepared for, I don't think they can be compared with alcohol.

Drugs like E's, coke etc can also set off mental illness and disorders , even after enjoyable periods of recreational use. I used every weekend for a number of years, bloody enjoyed myself too, with little negative effects apart from comedown and Tuesday blues. Took one E one night, which brought on a psychotic episode, which took around 2 years of medication to sort out. Thinking back I think it was cut with something like acid.

I don't think children should be brought up in a lifestyle which includes regularly taking drugs as having fun, their too unpredictable, and their effects- comedown can be too disruptive to family life. I'm still having hot sweats thinking of experiencing a comedown with 2 screaming kids grin.

chocolatepuff Mon 28-Jan-13 20:43:52

The way this thread has gone, is precisely the reason I didn't mention the drugs element grin to me like an above poster, it is just as bad / damaging getting rat arsed on booze as it is taking pills.

Devendra thank you, you sound like the people I am friends with smile yes some people get fucked up when they take drugs. As do some drinkers. Plenty don't and just have a great time.

Anyway, I'm just about to talk to him about this...

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 20:50:52

The only people who equate taking illegal, unregulated and potentially fatal drugs to getting pissed on alcohol are the ones who are habitual drug users (or those who apologise for them)

They think nothing bad will ever happen to them.

sarahseashell Mon 28-Jan-13 21:36:08

I think you know, on some level, that moving in with a late 30s druggie isn't a great idea, hence your post on here.

I'd deal with your own drug taking and take some time out/get counselling before entering into another relationship tbh, or at the very least keep this one ultra casual and definitely not move in together - but that's probably not what you want to hear sad and it's easier to say it's judgey or whatever, but you do need to ask yourself how you'll feel if it dd starts taking drugs imo

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 21:40:55

to me like an above poster, it is just as bad / damaging getting rat arsed on booze as it is taking pills.

No, it really isn't. And I say that as someone who was a habitual user of many recreational drugs in the past. I used to think like that too, when I was 21. And then I grew up.

Please do report back on your conversation!

maleview70 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:49:48

You run a huge risk taking drugs when you have a child.

A friend of a friend took coke regularly. It started to affect his ability to work and earn money as he was self employed. He began letting people down. He began to borrow money to find his habit. He got into debt and with people you don't want to get into debt with. The pressure built and one day his wife and 2 small children came home from shopping and doin him hanging from the loft.

The police interviewed his wife and the use of drugs was brought up. She admitted to having used them with him occassionally. The police got social services involved who questioned her some more. She was mourning her husband and was suddenly at risk of having her kids taken off her. In the end this didn't happen but the fact it got this far shows the damage it can lead to.

Maybe the drugs he and you use are not as addictive but all the same it's dangerous and for me it is a risk not worth taking.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 21:53:14

I have read two news reports from just a couple of weekends ago about two young people who have died from taking stuff from a bad batch doing the rounds in my area. I expect they thought they were invincible and knew what they were doing too.

You don't do this shit when you are a parent. If you do, you are a fool.

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 28-Jan-13 22:14:07

If this man wont put you and your child first when he doesnt live with you he certainly wont when he does. Trust me i know lived with a man for 4 years who put the pub, friends and bookies before me and his daughter. Do not do this to yourself or your child. You deserve better smile

Surely you shouldn't be so blasé about drugs when you have a child in your care? Do you really think two recreational drug users are good role models? Would you be happy to have your daughter use them?

Think about what you're doing before moving your boyfriend in. . You're funding a hell of a lot of shit across the world for the fun you have.

Rat poison and broken glass are two components that have been found cut into some drugs. Do you want to run the risk of death through a faulty batch. You and your partner need to grow the hell up.

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 22:25:42

Not surprising that you've chosen to identify with the poster who said drugs aren't bad.

Junebugjr Mon 28-Jan-13 23:18:31

Can I ask how you manage with a 3 year old on a comedown OP?

shine0ncrazydiamond Tue 29-Jan-13 00:07:07

This is not going to work out the way you hope it will.

A 36 year old man still taking Ketamine and 'partying' until 8am is not going to fit in with a young family, no matter how much you try and tell yourself he might.

I'm sure he's fine, I'm sure he is a nice guy. I am not a drug user and I try and fight the urge to be all po faced about it but I truly think that you are not a particularly decent parent if you take drugs. However, going back to this guy, you're on a hiding to nothing here.

You've had your warnings in plenty of time < before you move in with him > and I think you instinctively know he is not going to be a good fit for your lifestyle and family, hence why you've posted.

Time will probably prove this to be the case.

shine0ncrazydiamond Tue 29-Jan-13 00:11:15

And I find it interesting that you are identifying with the poster who is, not to mince words, a druggie. You can dress this up anyway you like but if you take drugs that is what you are.

Bunbaker Tue 29-Jan-13 06:57:53

"I have used mdma, ketamine, lsd, mushroooms. I never drink alcohol and I stopped smoking years ago"

That is no justification for taking illegal drugs. Alcohol is very damaging. I have seen first hand what it is like to live with an alcoholic. I have also experienced first hand what it is like to live with someone dying from the effects of heavy smoking. But they are both legal and regulated and the risks are very well known.

You could say, for instance, that stealing from a shop is OK because it isn't as if anyone is getting hurt. It isn't it is just wrong.

No matter how you dress it up, taking non prescription drugs is illegal and unregulated. You have no idea what they contain. Like all other non drug users and ex drug users I wouldn't touch anyone who uses drugs with a barge pole.

Oh, and you might like to think about the criminal supply chain he is supporting.

chocolatepuff Tue 29-Jan-13 09:15:56

Ok.... I have never had a comedown looking after dd. I have taken drugs 3 times since I had her, twice at a festival that she wasn't at, and once on ny when I had childcare provided till next evening. But I do too little to get comedowns anyway. Im not into doing drugs really and am put off by not knowing what is in them.

My parents were v open with me about their drug taking youth. As such, I was open with them when I started taking them at 16. And when I started to have a horrid trip one night, I came straight home and they talked me down from it. Compared to my friends with parents who were v stiff on the drugs issue, I was not bothered by them either way. There's no better way to take the attraction out of drugs than if you kno ur parents have taken them! How uncool.. Whereas friends whose parents were totally against drugs could not talk to them about taking them, and were lured by the taboo of it all. That's my experience anywY. Does not mean I'm going to b taking drugs with my dd around, before u flame me! Getting ready butvwill try n post more later

ivanapoo Tue 29-Jan-13 09:36:55

Chocolate I think for me the worrying thing is more what the drugs represent eg hedonistic crazy nights out without a care in the world.

I wouldn't expect a 36 year old parent to go out binge drinking until 8am either, which represents the same thing IMO.

As a new parent and erstwhile drugs dabbler, I can't really imagine wanting to take drugs or get really hammered any more. Even if someone else is looking after my child I feel a base level of responsibility to stay sober enough to take care of them if I needed to.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 29-Jan-13 10:29:04

'there is no better way to take the attraction out of drugs'

And yet here you are, a 30 year old parent, still using them occasionally and seriously thinking about moving a 36 year old user into your home. So obviously they are still pretty attractive to you!

I don't think anyone has suggested that you might take drugs while your DD is actually present. What people are saying to you is that you could die from a bad batch and leave your DD without a mother. Whether she is with you when that happens or tucked up safe in bed doesn't matter, the outcome is the same.

And the drugs cartels he is funding? The drug wars, the murders, the addicts. The drug mules who are duped or forced into crime? The people on death row for drug smuggling? Does he think this is nothing to do with him?

clam Tue 29-Jan-13 11:28:10

chocolatepuff: ^"The media portray a v negative picture of drug use^"

Thank you. That's given me my first laugh in two weeks. (recovery from surgery)

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 11:37:37

I suppose reporting the deaths directly as a result of drug use is a bit "negative"

perhaps they should stop doing it, if it offends the sensibilities of the users themselves

Numberlock Tue 29-Jan-13 11:54:27

... this being a case in point, from my neck of the woods, the media could have put a bit more of a positive spin on it fgs.

pooka Tue 29-Jan-13 14:05:17

I've used rather a lot of drugs in my youth.

But then I had children and the desire to use, particularly mind altering ones, left me. I just cannot get past the fear of lethal side effect potential or, and this makes my heart skip a beat, the possibility that dcs could be being cared for elsewhere and something happen to them while I was high. Could I deal with hospital emergency, be by their side and there for them, if I were on MDMA, LSD or the like? No way!

I know that alcohol can cause health damage. But a couple of glasses of wine once in a while does not carry with it the same potential for death, psychosis or kids being taken away.

So while it may seem hypocritical, I would not enter into a committed relationship or move in with a person who is still dabbling, despite having done the same when I was in my early 20s, Pre kids.

TheCatIsEatingIt Tue 29-Jan-13 18:35:50

He doesn't live with you at the moment, so he's not subject to the restrictions of full-time family life. You hadn't got a definite plan to meet the next day, you just thought you probably would. He was up for taking you shopping despite having had a late one. He sounds like a good one for that alone - he can be relied on when he's promised to do something.

You don't mind him taking drugs. That's your call, not anyone else's. FWIW, I don't mind DH doing it very occasionally - I wouldn't have married him if he drank/took drugs/did anything to problem levels.

I think a chat is needed before any definite moving in plans are made. Maybe he realises that being in a stepdad role will mean he needs to rein it in a bit. Maybe he has no intention of doing that, and you'll have to think carefully about what you're happy to live with. What you've said about last night wouldn't be a big worry for me, though - it's not knowing his long term feelings that would make me unsettled.

chocolatepuff Tue 29-Jan-13 19:56:44

Thank you thecat for ur balanced opinion.

And thank you to all the other posters for your opinions too, the world would be a dull place if we all thought the same eh.

I am talking to him, will continue talking to him about this, before any decisions are made. But I have a different experience of drug users than some of you, so please respect that. I am not ignorant or naive about danger and risk, in any form it presents.

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