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Advice please about contacting an old boyfriend

(102 Posts)
StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 15:12:17

I'm thinking about contacting an old boyfriend I recently found on FB.

According to his page he is in a relationship. I am single.

I have no wish to cause any problems in his relationship, but I would just like to drop him a line to say hello and just find out how he's doing. I have no wish to meet him in person, not while he's in a relationship.

I'm still not certain that I will send him a message, but any tips on what to say if I do? Keeping in mind that he and his DP may both read each other's FB so what do I write that keeps things light and doesn't make me look like I'm a potential homewrecker?

It's been many, many years and I keep thinking he may not even remember me, but it was a serious and very intense relationship, surely he MUST remember me ? If he doesn't I'll just crawl under the nearest rock and never come out grin

original thread which has long posts by me is here

SorryMyLollipop Sun 27-Jan-13 15:14:27

Don't do it. He's in a relationship.

AntimonySalts Sun 27-Jan-13 15:15:19

Don't do it. Look at it from his partner's perspective.

If it's so long ago that he might not even remember you, why go poking around with that one? I would be focussing more on the future instead of rummaging around in the past.

Don't do it.

You don't want a lighthearted chat, you want him to want you.

Its not fair on him or his partner.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 15:20:25

Just leave it.

meditrina Sun 27-Jan-13 15:20:51

Don't do it.

Unless you are, for example, arranging the old school reunion and you are sending him an identical information/invitation message that you send to everyone else.

HellesBelles396 Sun 27-Jan-13 15:21:15

another reason not to do it - you'll look like a loon and feel worse.
you can't move forward of you're hanging onto the past.

DuchessFanny Sun 27-Jan-13 15:22:32

Just don't.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 16:08:31

I'm really not sure why I'd 'look like a loon' if I sent him a message. I've had two ex boyfriends contact me on FB in the last 10 years or so, and I certainly didn't think either of them were loons. We just exchanged a couple of friendly catch up emails and that was that.

Anyway, I appreciate the input even though I wasn't asking for advice on 'should I or shouldn't I?'. As I said in my OP, I haven't made a decision either way yet.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 16:12:53

You want him to be interested in you romantically and/or sexually. That much is obvious.

Don't contact him.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 16:14:08

I think you are kidding yourself about your reasons for contacting him, and that is the reason why it isn't a good idea.

If you felt the need to tell us that your connection with him was "very serious and intense" then it doesn't sound your "hi, remember me" message is coming from the right place

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 16:14:19

sound like

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 16:19:11

so what do I write that keeps things light and doesn't make me look like I'm a potential homewrecker?

The fact that you had to say that, tells me that you are exactly that. A potential homewrecker. If he gave you the chance you'd leap on it.

Anyone contacting on old ex in innocence, would not fear sounding like a homewrecker, because there's nothing wrong with getting in touch with old friends.

Your motives are not innocent.

You don't want a friendly catch up. You want him to fall in love with you again to give yourself the ego boost you need atm. Its totally unfair to track down someone you have feelings for, realise they are in a relationship and proceed anyway.

One of my DHs ex girlfriends did this. She sent him a little lighthearted email, all very well and good, then after a couple of weeks started going on about how he was 'the one who got away' DH didn't even reply, just deleted and blocked her.

Could you handle him rejecting you?

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 16:21:40

I pointed out that it had been very serious and intense because I didn't want it to seem like I was contacting someone that I kissed once at the school disco, when I was 15, that's all.

I'm not interested in trying to 'get' a man who is in a relationship. I'm not sure why everyone seems to think that I've got horrible intentions here....and you know what, even if he was single and I was looking for 'more', he wouldn't be interested in me now anyway, because I'm old, I'm a heifer these days, and I'm absolutely not the happy bubbly girl he fell in love with many years ago.

Will it be ok for me to wait till I'm 70 (not that long to go actually) to make contact with him or will I still be seen as a predatory female? (not being sarcastic there, it's a genuine question)

Absoluteeightiesgirl Sun 27-Jan-13 16:22:58

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AntimonySalts Sun 27-Jan-13 16:24:48

Why do you actually want to make contact with him?

If any of my former flames contacted me via facebook I would instantly think booty call!

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 16:28:59

Cross posted above with recent posts.

I feel like I'm getting attacked here in some of these responses and I'm a bit gutted because I'm a regular under a NC. If it was a guy posting the same question I think the replies would be different.

Anyway, I didn't come here to fight with anyone or have to justify myself so I don't think there's anything more I can say about this.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 16:30:28

You have given yourself away with your choice of words I'm afraid.

That is why we all think it would be a bad idea to contact him. Sorry.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 16:33:39

I don't think the replies would be different if you were a bloke

Whenever anyone asks this kind of question, I always say "let it alone"

the past is in the past, exes are exes for a reason, don't hark back, if you need to widen your social circle make new friends and certainly don't contact people you used to have a "serious intense" sexual relationship with

gemdrop84 Sun 27-Jan-13 16:34:19

I received an email from my ex a few years ago wishing me a happy birthday and general chit chat after no contact for a few years. Really don't understand why he would get in touch after so long, it just seemed so strange to me!

Stretchvelvet Please don't feel attacked. Lots of people have had experience of past flames contacting them via FB and it has been known to end up in heartache for lots of those people so it's a natural instinct that people would recoil at reading your dilemma.

I think you really need to examine your honest intentions here and ask why you feel the need to contact a past flame. Why do you need to know at this point how he is doing in his life? If you don't need to know wouldn't it be prudent to just leave it? I would say the same to a male friend if he was asking the same thing....the past should stay in the past. If the friendship was one that was destined to last you would still be in contact with him regardless of his romantic status but the friendship/relationship obviously ran it's course a long time ago....

exBF that I have never really got over

always have a little piece of my heart

he's very attractive and I got butterflies when I saw him.

I always felt like he was the one that got away, I never forgot him

still seems to have all the wonderful qualities that I adored him for as a person back then, just makes him all the more of a fantasy figure to me.

it was more like there was so much unfinished business and I just never got over him

I'm not going to contact him and I'm seriously thinking of deactivating my own FB so I don't get tempted to start looking at his page (and his GF's page) and turn into some obssessed stalker after a few glasses

Let's say he suggested meeting for a coffee for a purely platonic catch up. I've still got feelings for him, what if meeting him makes them stronger ?

You also say something about 'investigating' when he got divorced.

^ This is what makes you sound like a 'predatory female'. You aren't over him, you hope for more, he is in a relationship.

The only endings here are that

1. He is really happy with his partner, you feel hurt.

2. He is happy, you and he have an affair, everyone gets hurt.

3. He isn't happy, he leaves his partner, she gets hurt and you can't trust him.

There is no good way for this to turn out while you have feelings for him or while he is in a relationship.

I'm not attacking you at all, I'm trying to see that by not contacting him you will spare your (and his, and his partners) feelings.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 16:37:18

Your other thread (the one you linked to) tells us everything we need to know. You hold a blazing torch for him.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 16:38:13

I really don't thinkt hat you are being attacked I think you're getting quite sensible replies.

You said you're not over him and he was the one that got away. So it's a really bad idea to contact him as he is with someone else and the potential for people to get hurt, probably you is massive.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 27-Jan-13 16:38:32

Afternoon all
Just a little reminder that if there's something we could all do with it's some moral support.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 16:42:17

whaaat Olivia ?

OP asked a question. People gave their opinion. She didn't like the replies, and we get a slap on the wrist about "moral support" ? confused

She is being advised not to do something inadvisable and given the reasons why.

The worst advice here would be a pat on the head and a "you go for it, girlfriend, only good can come out of this course of action..."

Adversecamber Sun 27-Jan-13 16:43:50

Hope the link works. I have read too many threads on MN where an ex has got back in touch via FB or some other site and it has caused real hurt within relationships.

I would give exactly the same advice and say leave well alone regardless of the gender of the poster.

AntimonySalts Sun 27-Jan-13 16:48:58

Baffled by OliviaMumsnet's invervention. My advice would be the same regardless of who was asking!

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 16:50:58

I am taken aback too. When I need someone to be my moral conscience for me, I'll start a thread and ask thanks.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Sun 27-Jan-13 16:53:23

Why does someone who wants to contact an ex who is in a r'ship need moral support?

We could all use an outside perspective to tell us when something is a really bad idea too. confused

Lavenderhoney Sun 27-Jan-13 16:58:28

It depends on how you split. If it was amicable and you just lost touch as people do, before the advent of mobiles, fb etc then a private pm to say hi, remember me, loving finding old friends on fb how are you is ok. You don't have to friend him to do that.

If on the other hand it was a tearful breakup with him playing the role of the prince of darkness, with lots of drama and months of misery then I would stay well away and be grateful you couldnt keep in touch via the wonders of social mediasmile

TheSecondComing Sun 27-Jan-13 17:00:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 27-Jan-13 17:00:57

Do you just want help on what to say if you send him a message? That's the only thing? Honestly?
I there is even the tiniest possibility in your mind that you want things to happen then don't do it.
I can't really see what anyone would gain from you writing a message.
If you want to see what he's up to, look at his fb page.
I can't think of anything you could write that would be helpful to either of you.

When it comes to some bfs, its easy to look back with rose-tinted specs and remember the good stuff, but the reality is rarely as good as the memories.
Say hi to him if you want to, but be prepared to be ignored / him tell you he doesn't want to be in contact with you as you're an ex for a reason etc etc etc.

I stay away from all of my ex-bfs on FB as they are ex's for a reason and that way horror lies. The only time I didn't, it turned out I'd forgotten just how creepy he was towards the end of our relationship. Never again.

I wouldn't do it.

Actually, I think there'd be nothing wrong at all with getting in touch with an old school friend you'd kissed at the disco (to use your example) - that to me sounds like normal sort of nostalgia and wouldn't be creepy.

But I'm afraid however nicely you try and explain why you're getting in touch, if it was serious and you've not stayed in touch, I'd say leave it that way.

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jan-13 17:12:43

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 27-Jan-13 17:24:05


whaaat Olivia ?

OP asked a question. People gave their opinion. She didn't like the replies, and we get a slap on the wrist about "moral support" ? confused

She is being advised not to do something inadvisable and given the reasons why.

The worst advice here would be a pat on the head and a "you go for it, girlfriend, only good can come out of this course of action..."

Sorry that wasn't what was meant at all.
I wasn't trying to side with the OP or slap anyone's wrists.

More like peace and love.

Often folk come to MN precisely for advice from strangers but often they find it hard to take that advice and I guess I was just reminding you all of that.

As you were.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 17:26:10

Ok Olivia - when you put it like that, fair dos.

TurnipCake Sun 27-Jan-13 17:26:38

OP, I think you need to re-read what you put on your last post:

"Let's say he suggested meeting for a coffee for a purely platonic catch up. I've still got feelings for him, what if meeting him makes them stronger ? He's with someone else, I can't have any expectations. I know that meeting him may be the opposite and I may think 'yuck' (so may he!). But I feel a bit too vulnerable at the moment. Maybe when I've spent a bit more time getting myself 'sorted' I'll feel stronger."

Your intentions are that you're hoping he'll remember you and take you out for a friendly catch-up, and who knows, maybe seeing you again would make him... come on, it's not just a friendly hello message. I think you need to take your own advice in the last sentence and maybe if you sorted things out for yourself, the desire to cling to what you had in the past, decades ago will fade.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 17:27:41

Ok, peace and luuurve it is. As it was before. I feel sure that people on this thread are advising what they would do to a friend in RL. smile

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jan-13 17:28:17

Sometimes, moral support needs to take the form of a cyber kick up the jacksie. IMO, of course.

LesBOFerables Sun 27-Jan-13 17:45:37

You sound unhappy with a few things that are going on (or not going on) at the moment, and I think you are fixating a bit on this "lost chance for happiness". But not to put too fine a point on it, we ALL have some crushing disappointments in life (expat there has lost her daughter to leukaemia recently; I can get all weepy at the thought if never hearing my disabled daughter say mummy, etc etc), but it does none of us any good to moon around like something out if a Russian novel: you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do your best to play the hand you've been dealt. Which in your case, wasn't him, as it turned out.

Is there anything else you can focus on to build your chances of happiness NOW, something you can create for yourself to look forwards, not backwards? Because I think that's what you need to be doing really.

LesBOFerables Sun 27-Jan-13 17:46:46

(Excuse all my 'if's instead of 'of's- I'm on my phone and have sausage fingers)

ImperialBlether Sun 27-Jan-13 18:22:30

You clearly think badly of yourself and look back to that time as a happy time in your life. Try to focus on changes you can make that would make you feel happier about yourself, rather than put yourself up for rejection.

MarilynValentine Sun 27-Jan-13 18:26:32

Ah OP, maybe it's the 'happy, bubbly' gorgeous young woman you were who you long for really. To feel like that again, that level of intensity and desire/being desired. It's not the bloke really.

It's an intoxicating fantasy, fueled by your version of the past and your needs today.

Sorry you feel like a heifer. I bet you aren't. Maybe look at what you can do now to feel amazing about who you are again.

MarilynValentine Sun 27-Jan-13 18:27:07

X post Imperial smile

bellamafia Sun 27-Jan-13 18:34:33

For the love of god don't do it. We are all women and know you're real In tensions. You secretly hope it'll reignite a spark. His poor DP.

Leave him alone. Failing that. Just think how you'd feel if it was done to you? You checked your bf FB and saw an ex reminiscing from the past. Would make you feel sick wouldn't it?!

We women need to support eachother more and not make enemies. Woman up!!!!!

Kione Sun 27-Jan-13 18:43:01

I have to agree that if you didnt have deeper feelings you wouldnt have posted here, as catching up with an old friend is as easy as: "hey, you around here too! how's things?" and no reason to feel like a homewrecker.
I am in contact with twi ex's in Facebook, and one of my exes wife as I met her at my mums funeral. The other one is married too and sometimes chit chat and thats it.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 27-Jan-13 19:00:11

velvet, I'm struck by the fact that in your first thread (started just 3 days ago) your stance was 'I have no intention of contacting him'; and here you are, asking for advice on what to say! He's clearly in your thoughts a lot, and it seems to matter to you a lot that he should 'remember you' like you remember him but it really doesn't matter a bit, you know - he has a GF and you have your life in the here & now. Brooding over the past (which I fear is what you are doing) will not help you. Put him out of your thoughts, let it drop, focus on your future starting now!

OhToBeCleo Sun 27-Jan-13 19:07:26

Well I'm going to play devil's advocate with the masses here....

Sometimes relationships end prematurely for various reasons, and how would you know if it was meant to be if you don't dip your toe in? Maybe they were meant to be together and the timing just wasn't right when things ended.

OP if it was me I would drop him a 'stumbled across your profile when looking at X's photos and just thought I'd say hi and hope all is well in your world'....and then expect to here nothing or 'all is fine thanks'. If all is fine in his world then nothing more should come of it.

Provided you don't enter into any secretive (to his DP) liaisons with him then there's no harm done IMO. prepared for the brush-off....that may be the closure you need to put this to bed (no pun intended).

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 19:23:25

walk On my original thread I said I had no intention of making contact. I said it at least twice, because based on the information that I had, it seemed that he is in a relationship.
Then someone on the thread pointed out that people don't always update their status on FB. His status says 'In A Relationship'. That status was dated 2008. But that doesn't necesssarily mean he's still in one. Maybe he hasn't even been on FB for months.
And that's when I started to think perhaps it would be ok to contact him. If I did and he wrote back and told me to eff off because he's in a relationship, at least I'd know. If he didn't write back and just ignored me, at least I'd know.
And that is the thought process that led me to post this here today. I didn't post asking for opinions about whether I should go ahead and contact him, I asked how I should go about it IF I do.

cleo thanks very much for your post. I like your suggestion of how to word it if I do send him a message.

EchoBitch Sun 27-Jan-13 19:40:46

Don't let yourself down StretchVelvet.

If he still has those darned old feelings then let him find you.

You don't want to be a homewrecker do you?

*Your words.

EchoBitch Sun 27-Jan-13 19:45:15

You are single,he is not.

Don't go hoping that it's an old profile.

It does make you a little bit sad.

We all have old loves that we think about sometimes and wonder how things would have been......but,we wouldn't have the life we have now which includes our DC if we had taken a different path.

Be glad for what you have and you are have many,many years ahead of you to find someone.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:45:49

Hmmm; I have felt like you before op about an ex with a current beau ..and I have have got incontact...and been brushed off . But to be honest I am glad I did it as I now know. I learned my lesson. Of course I had conflicting feelings but I do think if I feel strongly enough for someone I go for it if they are nOT married. If he is married... thenn that is off limits. The best you can do is try to resist and move on. Who knows, one day he may become single again but I do believe in karma and therefore don't try and bust up his relationship. So hard when you really like someone I know . Anyway, if a man is so quick to dump his gf for and ex, he could do teh same to you.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 19:54:38

That's exactly it, superstar, getting the brush off would actually be a good thing in the long run.

Pinkerl Sun 27-Jan-13 20:04:37

I get the impression you're going to contact him anyway. Just say hi, saw your profile and hope all is well, and whatever happens, leave it to see what happens. You know you may well open a can of worms

EchoBitch Sun 27-Jan-13 20:06:20

Stretch,getting the brush off might also mean his DW finds out that you've been stalking him.

Why would you put someone else through that.

Leave him alone.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 20:11:20

Pinkerl I haven't decided one way or the other. If there was a way to find out for sure if he is or isn't in a relationship that would make the decision much easier.
Thanks for the suggestion of what to say -that's what I started the thread for.

Wallison Sun 27-Jan-13 20:30:11

Definitely don't do it. I think, as Imperial and Marylin have said, what you're really hankering after is your own past, rather than his present.

Well, you can't get that. What you can do though is own it, by acknowledging (yourself, without any input from him) what it meant for you and what it has done to make you the person you are now. And then recognising what that person you are now is, and how you want to be.

None of which will in any way at all be helped by contacting him now. I'm sorry, but it just won't.

MyPreciousRing Sun 27-Jan-13 20:39:15

An old flame contacted me to say 'hi'. We had an affair. My marriage ended as a result. I was stupid, flattered and got caught. Don't do it.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 27-Jan-13 21:11:04

My fb profile has said in in a relationship for the last 5 years. I've not updated it as I've not needed to. I'm still in a relationship as I'm guessing so is this guy

As for people suggesting anyone who isn't married is fair game, I'm very hmm at that. I'm assuming you'd be happy with another woman hitting on your DP 'as long as you're not married'?

kittybiscuits Sun 27-Jan-13 21:15:24

Write this : Oh finally I've found you. I can't believe it. I have never stopped thinking about you ever since we were together. You were and are the love of my life etc etc etc. That's what the stupid cow wrote who emailed the father of my children knowing he was in a relationship with kids. How did she know he would be stupid enough to be so easily flattered?

Apart from my shit, please be aware there there is a tremendous amount of fantasy and projection in such situations, and it can generate an emotional tsunami, which might not be well-founded at all.

Alittlestranger Sun 27-Jan-13 21:24:05

A lot of people especially men do stay in relationships because they're scared to be single and will jump ship if something better comes along. I don't think that makes him fair game, but if he hasn't married his GF after this amount of time maybe he is just ticking along... I'd never advocate someone flinging themselves at someone in a relationship, but if it's not a seriously committed relationship I think there's something to be said for making sure the other person is in full possession of the facts e.g. that you'd like to shag them. And I was the injured party of a particuarly brutal version of this recently so I don't say it flippantly.

Anyway, I'm a bit hmm at the number of posters who assume contacting an ex is automatically suspect. I got in touch with an ex partner a few months ago and I'd be mortified if he thought I was making a move on him. although I suspect he did as he cancelled our planned meet up.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 21:29:56

I don't think contacting an ex is automatically hmm. I have one of my ex boyfs on fb, and I contacted him. We parted on good terms and we're both happily married now. He's a pal.

I think the OP contacting her ex is hmm because her motives are nothing to do with being pals.

TallyGrenshall Sun 27-Jan-13 21:37:29

'if he hasn't married his GF after this amount of time maybe he is just ticking along'

Maybe they don't want to get married. A marriage is not the only way a relationship can be seriously comitted.

Contacting an ex without any ulterior motives is fine, I have a couple of exes on my FB because we still get on and there are zero romantic feelings there. However, in Op's case this is not true so that is why it wouldn't be a good idea imo

Alittlestranger Sun 27-Jan-13 21:40:44

TallyGrenshall I'm very aware of that, but equally people can stay in dead end relationships just because. The points is the OP has no idea either way. But I also think she probably doesn't know much about what her ex is like anyway at this point, so why lob a grenade based on what could be a fantasy?

Wallison Sun 27-Jan-13 21:42:21

I'm a bit hmm at the idea that just because someone isn't married it doesn't mean that they're in a committed relationship.

Alittlestranger Sun 27-Jan-13 21:44:13

Why? Lots of people aren't married but still in a very committed relationship. But lots of people have been together a long time, even live together but aren't really committed. Do you have no friends in this situation? Some people are quite happy only living a relationship in the present, and some people are really crap at facing up to a dead relationship.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 27-Jan-13 21:47:32

Lots of people are married and in dead end relationships. You can't say that just because someone isn't married they're fair game.

OhToBeCleo Sun 27-Jan-13 21:54:41

As long as OP behaves appropriately ( ie says hi --puts the ball in his court--) and nothing else, then there's no harm done. All the other comments have some validity if she behaved in a predatory manner. It's not OP's responsibility to be the man's conscience. He must take responsibility for his actions/inactions.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 22:02:22

Cleo I thank you for being just about the only person on this thread who's even considered that in my advancing years, and with all of my life experience that's gone before, I may just be able to have enough self discipline and integrity to behave myself in this situation.
I've been amazed at all the assumptions that somehow one word from him and I'dbe ripping my knickers off.
Just because I still have feelings doesn't mean that I don't have any self control.

Windsocks Sun 27-Jan-13 22:07:37

If you have real self-control you'll avoid arsing up his life and that of his GF.

I will be hiding this thread now as above all things I hate self-deception and selfishness. You're guilty of at least one of the two OP.

VBisme Sun 27-Jan-13 22:09:21

Well you go ahead and contact this guy, regardless of all the advice you've been given, as you're clearly going to.

But you might as well be honest.

Telling him anything other than "I'm now single, I think you are the love of my life, leave your girlfriend and come live with me" would be dishonest.

If you really want the brushoff that'll do it.

If you try and worm your way back into his life under false pretences in the hope that you can replace his current partner then that would be really shitty behaviour.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 22:10:42

Not aimed at windsocks because he/she is no longer reading, but I'm very curious why so many here are so insecure that they think one FB message is an absolute guarantee to wreck a relationship?

In my relationships I wouldn't have felt threatened if an ex got in touch with my DP. Obviously if they started to escalate things I wouldn't be happy but there's a huge amount of fear coming across in this thread.

DopamineHit Sun 27-Jan-13 22:11:53

Something pretty similar happened to me a while back (me playing the part of the currently married ex-bf). It was not helpful. That one also kicked off with a 'harmless' "hi how are you?" and - although nothing untoward happened - opening the door was not a good idea.

Look at it this way: if you do nothing the situation is neutral, neither good nor bad. Therefore if you make contact it ought to be in the expectation that it is more likely that good can come of it than bad. It is stretching credibility beyond breaking point to believe that developments are more likely to be positive than negative in a situation such as this.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 27-Jan-13 22:12:58

Oh come on.

There are SO MANY excuses and bizarre ideas in this thread. I've been with my partner for over 5 years. Facebook says that much. We aren't married, but intend to get married, and we live together, although Facebook doesn't show any of that. We just don't feel the need to use it.

Regardless of all that, can't you see that it's clutching at straws? So he might be stringing her along, or they might be madly in love. He might be waiting for something better or they might be planning a wedding or babies or moving house.

He will always be the one that got away. Always. If it was undying love, it wouldn't take random Facebook messages to reunite you. He wouldn't have moved on... This isn't Disney, and he probably isn't moping after something so long ago. The intensity is what made it special and unique, and you should keep that memory unscathed. Because if you chase him, you'll end up embarrassed or broken hearted. It never ends any other way.

I hope you can find peace Op. I just know that this isn't the way to go about getting it, and you sound fragile.

Pinkerl Sun 27-Jan-13 22:14:13

I do think you want something more. I also recognize that a lot of people have been betrayed through. I say go ahead if you want to, but be very very careful

JustAHolyFool Sun 27-Jan-13 22:15:27

Don't do it.

VBisme Sun 27-Jan-13 22:17:38

If my DH ex wanted to catch up on FB that would be fine - and he and I both have exes on our FB, that's fine.

It's the fact that we all know you want more than a quick "hi how are you doing", and if DH had an ex that I KNEW felt like that then damn right I'd be sensitive about it.

Your self delusion is epic!

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 27-Jan-13 22:18:51

Maybe you could make peace with yourself and your urges by just making it possible for him to contact you, if he ever thought of you?

Set up a friends reunited page, and make sure your 'old name' is on your Facebook page, if your name has changed at all since you knew him.

That way, if he does look for you, he can find you. If he doesn't, you've done nothing you could regret, and you haven't hurt yourself any more.

MyPreciousRing Sun 27-Jan-13 22:21:49

You're talking about self control an awful lot - exercise some. Do not contact this man. Why would you? You aren't in the slightest bit interested in chitty chat and 'how's you been?' Small talk... Your agenda is clear to all of us. It will be clear to him. And to his partner. Have some dignity and move on.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 22:22:45

pinkerl if I do go ahead I will be careful.
And whatever I decide I'll come back and update and if my decision has been to contact him, I'll accept the flak from MN for doing so.

VB I've said it several times. If I contact him, and if he replies, and if he is in a relationship, and if he tried to escalate, I promise everyone here I would not take it any further. At all. Lots of 'ifs' there.

So why do you want to contact him?

PatriciaHolm Sun 27-Jan-13 22:32:21

The most likely outcomes, OP, is that he brushes you off/barely remembers you/doesn't answer at all, and you end up feeling terribly hurt and rejected again. And from your posts, it really doesn't sound as if you are in a mental place to deal with that very well.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 22:36:23

Caja - that's a brilliant idea grin and I think it's a good solution to this whole 'should I or shouldn't I?' dilemma.

My FB page is only in my married name, which he never knew, and everything else is locked down to Friends only. I can put a pic on my profile visible to public and add my maiden name.
It would have been very difficult for him to find me even if he'd wanted to. I've moved around the country several times over the years. There aren't any mutual friends that he could find me through, and it was purely by chance that I found a link to him through someone else's page. I'd searched him a few times since I got divorced several years ago but he has a common name and lives in a big city and I never found him previously.
I'll also get a Friends Reunited account.

I think this is the perfect solution. I can just get on with my life and if he never contacts, nothing has been lost either way.

KB02 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:45:53

Don't feel attacked, people are giving their honest advice , with your welfare in mind.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 22:59:54

Thanks KB . I felt attacked earlier, and from where I'm sitting I've read some very judgmental posts making massive assumptions about me, but I do realise that many posters are posting from a place of being supportive and offering sound advice.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 00:25:42

Have you any reason to believe he might be trying to contact you ? confused

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 00:32:40

This thread is confusing.

You asked for advice, and were given it in the first few replies. It hasn't changed since, so why are you still wondering?

The advice is "Don't".

StretchVelvet Mon 28-Jan-13 10:38:57

AF, no I don't have any reason to believe he might be trying to contact me. I just read the thread back and I don't see where I said that?

Maryz the main reason the thread is confusing is because I never asked IF I should contact him. I agree with you, if I'd asked that question, I was given an answer in the first several posts. But my post asked HOW to do it. It took quite a lot of time before anyone actually answered that question. Then at 22.18 Caja made a suggestion and that's what I've gone with. I'm not going to contact him.

JiminyCricketsMiddleWicket Mon 28-Jan-13 11:01:12

They're both adults.
Send the FB message OP; you obviously want to. It'll either close a door or open one.
A FB message (if I was on FB) from one of my DH's exes would not faze me. I/We have received similar (via snail mail) from exe's in our time together. There's no harm done.
If the relationship is secure then it is discussed by the committed partners.
If the relationship is not secure; then there is the possibility of infidelity. That is to do with A N Other behaving like a shit. Nothing to do with a small parcel of communication; no matter the mode of delivery.
I am surprised by the reaction on here. I wouldn't and haven't been threatened by my DH's Ex's contacting him.

OneMoreChap Mon 28-Jan-13 11:37:50

I wonder if the OP was in a relationship, how she would feel if her DP's ex contacted him.

How would she see that playing out?
Would she expect his to tell her, "Oh, I've been contacted by an ex". How would she feel?

Would she expect her DP to keep it quiet. How would she feel?

StretchVelvet Mon 28-Jan-13 11:51:00

Chap If I was in a relationship and didn't trust my DP to handle contact from an ex appropriately, I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I'd expect him to tell me if he heard from someone from the past, yes. But I'd trust him to deal with it accordingly.

As you know, being a man yourself, men do have the capacity to make decisions for themselves and do the right thing. The implications on this thread are that men are weak and helpless and that women (even fat middle aged asexual ones) are some sort of irresistible temptress that a poor guy can't say no to.

OneMoreChap Mon 28-Jan-13 11:58:25

Stretch nae problem.

I'd certainly say men are responsible for their own actions.
I'm pleased you feel any putative relatioship would be that strong and honest.

If when you have a relationship, and your partner has an old flame contacting him who feels but it was a serious and very intense relationship, surely he MUST remember me ? If he doesn't I'll just crawl under the nearest rock and never come out
and then said I have no wish to meet him in person, not while he's in a relationship. and you'd not feel there's a veiled message there, well...

Good for you.

My dh and I are good friends with some ex partners, I have no issue if anyone contacts him for a chat at all. I would (and did) have issue if someone clinging onto the past wants to contact him because she never got over him not because I don't trust dh but because another woman wanting to relive her youth and talk about where their relationship went wrong and sigh 'if only' to him is disrespecting me and my relationship and feelings. I know this isn't what you are going to do now, and I think you have made the right choice, but I don't want you believing I think all men are weak and can't say no.

Busesondiversion Mon 28-Jan-13 12:21:48

Here is a man's (very personal) perspective.

Last year my partner contacted, after many years with no knowledge of his whereabouts, an ex boyfriend via FB. The ex had married the girlfriend after he ended it with my partner.

They had a brief FB correspondence, then they met "for coffee". She ended our relationship, without telling me about him. She moved him into her house within two weeks. Their relationship lasted 6 weeks, and since then he has bounced between my partner, his wife, one of their children and his mother’s.

My partner, by contacting him, has ruined 4 lives.

My advice is not too difficult to work out!

OP, I asked you upthread exactly why you want to contact him.

Because all of your arguments for an ex being able to contact an ex without ulterior motive are valid. But I don't think they're relevant to your situation because, to be honest, you do come across as wanting them to split.

If you're going into this with that in mind then no good will come of it. That is what people have been trying to tell you for pages and pages!

I think you need t be brutally brutally honest with yourself about why you want to contact him

I contacted annold boyfriend on FB last year. Very intense relationship on and off from age 16 to 22/23. I was always the one that ended it and I knew that back then he still loved me. I have often wondered how he was doing. I knew where he was living and I knew he was married - as am I. Over the years he has popped up in my dreams very often. In fact the night before I was starting IVF I dreamt I was trying to find him to ask him if it was ok. All very weird as I knew I was always the one to end it. I think I felt guilty as I knew he was heartbroken. Anyway - contacted him on FB and we swapped a few messages and then he challenged me to play Songpop. He has his phone number on his profile and one day I called him. It was really great to talk to him and catch up on what had been happening in both our lives. And I came away remembering exactly WHY I didn't want to be with him! He is lovely but irritates me. We are still in touch. Still play Songpop - sad I know! But I have no wish or need to meet him and I never had. Through me contacting him my sister is now friends with him - he was the big brother she never had. And some other mutual friends have got in touch with him. So that has worked out well but only because I really really knew I was only curious. I had no ulterior motive.

And I think that you are really hoping that something would come of you contacting you ex.

VBisme Tue 29-Jan-13 21:12:15

If I was in a relationship and didn't trust my DP to handle contact from an ex appropriately, I wouldn't be with him in the first place.

But you can bet your life that if he leaves his current gf for you then that would be because it was fated and that you're soul mates, rather than hes a faithless git. hmm

You are setting yourself up for another fall, I really wish you wouldn't.

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