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Dh said he feels he's not safe to be left on his own with dc

(46 Posts)
Winternight Sun 27-Jan-13 06:00:50

Yesterday dh admitted he pushed our .5 yo over in the park. He lost his temper as he was hurting our 2yo.

He feels terrible remorse and spent all afternoon making it up by taking him into town. Buying him stuff he liked.

Last night I told him he needs to get some anger management or counselling as its happened before and he also loses it and shouts a lot.

He then told me he feels like jumping under a train we would be better off without him and I shouldn't leave him alone with the kids.

I told him if that was true he should leave. He wouldn't go. He wouldn't eat and sat all night drinking and getting self indulgently maudlin.

Unsure what to do. He is being an arse. He said he would go to doctors on Monday. I think he will stall. Where can I get some support with this?

Chubfuddler Sun 27-Jan-13 06:02:28

Women's Aid.
Your HV.

Please do ring women's aid. Do you have anyone in rl you can go to if you feel that you or dc are unsafe?

BouncyPenguin Sun 27-Jan-13 06:10:37

His reaction to what he did is more worrying than the pushing. Is this the first sign of a problem or does he have a history of depression/drinking? Yes I think he needs to go to the doctor, or if he can't face that are you in a position to pay for a private counsellor? That is much much quicker to arrange and more anonymous.

mathanxiety Sun 27-Jan-13 06:31:24

Next time he says he is going to jump under a train call 999 and have the nearest A&E deal with him. Don't second guess him and don't waste time or give him the chance to do anything more.

I think you could still do it as he said he shouldn't be left alone with the children -- see how he explains that one to the police. They mightn't take him to A&E for a psych assessment as that moment has now passed.

You would be flagged by social services if you were to involve the police outside of a suicide threat event, and there would be a certain amount of pressure on you both after that to ensure the DCs are safe. He would have to show evidence of working to change himself into an acceptable father, or leaving. You would have to show evidence of taking all of this seriously and putting the DCs' welfare and safety above other concerns. Would you be up for this?

It seems to me that you may just have to do something like this whether you really think it's your comfort zone or not, given your description of the man you are dealing with. He has done this sort of thing before and the likelihood is if he gets away with it he will keep on doing it until someone reports him in the park, or your life dwindles away to nothing as you take on all of the childcare because you can't trust him, and you decide enough is enough.

In the meantime, call WA for yourself and see what you can do for you.

Do you have friends or family who could help you out or give a sensible shoulder to cry on?

TheFallenNinja Sun 27-Jan-13 06:38:58

I often wonder what people believe others reactions to a suicide threat would be? Frankly (and alas I am stone cold on this) I would tell them to get out and get on with it and I would sleep at night if they did.

I think when this happens that things have transcended reason and support and is downright controlling behaviour. The only possible upside is that if professional support is sought by the individual then they may benefit.

I have experience of this having xw hanging this over me for 10 years, the day I realised that she was simply controlling me with it was the day I left and guess what, nothing happened.

meditrina Sun 27-Jan-13 07:55:09

You should always ensure that someone who is talking about suicide has contact details for the Samaritans.

Winternight Sun 27-Jan-13 08:03:27

I do not believe he is suicidal. He is bring a drama queen because I told him he needed some help with anger management.

I have no other support.

Winternight Sun 27-Jan-13 08:04:00


Winternight Sun 27-Jan-13 08:08:04

He is genuinely caring towards dc normally. We share everything 50:50.

In told him he either takes responsibility and gets help. Or he goes.

He is still here.

I have to go out this morning and leave him with dc for an hour. He is not going to control me.

Is there anywhere else I can get support I don't want ss involved at this stage.

500internalerror Sun 27-Jan-13 08:09:38

Had snyone asked yet if he is any unusual stress? At work? Is he just exhausted? The early yrs are so draining, & he may be shattered from work and broken sleep, hence the short temper etc.

Have you considered that he may have PND? Men can get it too.

It must have been really hard for him to have confided in you how he feels and he needs your support now. Your HV and GP could help. He might stall but men often find it hard to ask for help like this. Could you see your GP together?

StressDaily Sun 27-Jan-13 08:23:11

Men can get PND?

Winternight Sun 27-Jan-13 08:48:37

I think you are right about being under stress. He has a tough job. Dc2 is an early waker and he gets up with him. He doesn't get a break at weekends as I work sat mornings.

He finds it hard to talk about feelings.
He actually opened up to me last night and is genuinely upset.

I think the gp is the best option. I told him about the Samaritans before I left this morning. He looked shamed.

I think it will help that I left for an hour. It shows trust.

I want to help and support him but primarily do the best thing for my kids.

Yes stressdaily men can get PND. One of my friends partners has is and they have a baby. He is stressed out and tearful, afraid to be on his own with baby and can't bear to hold him. Makes me sad.

I think showing a bit if trust now is a good thing OP but I can appreciate you concern for DCs. Keep talking to each other and don't be scared to ask for help

CabbageLeaves Sun 27-Jan-13 09:13:27

My ex didn't cope with having DC. This manifested itself in a short fuse (although no physical actions). I spent a lot of life trying to minimise the impact of having DC on him. I excused him on the basis of being stressed/tired/depressed etc

Eventually I decided he was just lazy and selfish

I was working harder than him in paid employment. I was doing all gardening, housework, child care, sorting money, buying presents etc etc. Yet he was being excused because it was 'difficult' for him?

Now it maybe that your partner is like this or it maybe that he does have a short term stress or mental health condition. If its the latter I'd want to help him

Whatever I'd want to lay down an absolute boundary of this unexceptable.

If it carries on for too long (weeks/months) and he doesn't attempt to address it (preferring to let you pick up the slack) I'd leave.

whatsleep Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:39

My husband had PND he was really quite unwell for two years. I think the fact that your DH told you he pushed your son over in the park would make me think he wanted you to know he's struggling rather than becoming an abusive dad. There is such a strange stigma around men and depression. For a woman to have it is quite acceptable but for men, lots of people just can't get their heads round it. I hope your DH gets the help he needs. If I can help please PM me. It will get better for you x

StressDaily Sun 27-Jan-13 16:47:57

I was under the impression that PND is hormone related.

whatsleep Sun 27-Jan-13 17:54:03

I suppose the fact that it occurs 'post baby' gets it labelled as PND, nothing to do with pregnancy hormones just the time it occurs!? Depression is depression, doesn't really matter what other lables are attached to it. Just my opionion! I do agree that in woman PND is probably triggered by hormones though.

mathanxiety Mon 28-Jan-13 06:37:16

You don't have to make the decision about the genuineness or otherwise of a suicide threat.

Once you hear the word, make the call. If he is taking the piss he will know you are not a pushover and that will be a good thing. If he needs help he will get it. Either way, not your problem.

I have experience of this with exH. Nothing alienates a partner faster than the nagging thought that you are being had. Nip this in the bud.

Please do not use your DCs as a way to show him you trust him.
If someone else calls SS this will not look good.
If he senses your trepidation here about leaving them with him, and this is about control, or reclaiming attention from you that he feels the children are getting too much of, he may use the danger element to make you think twice about every trip you make without them.

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 06:51:35

Sorry just ignoring the potential bigger problems here for one minute.....
Do you and your DP have an agreed way of discipling (sorry about spelling!) the kids?

I'm just wondering if he doesn't have a set process in his mind of what to do if the child is playing up and then loses control easily.

Have you discussed and agreed the steps of what to do when the kids are playing up?

It seems that all this suicide business is about running away from the problem instead of dealing with it.

I had a partner who was suicidal on and off for 5 years, it was a horrid thing to have to deal with and we didn't have kids.

Is it the first time he has spoken in this way?

rubyrubyruby Mon 28-Jan-13 07:03:34

He feels terrible remorse and spent all afternoon making it up by taking him into town. Buying him stuff he liked.
He then told me he feels like jumping under a train we would be better off without him and I shouldn't leave him alone with the kids.

I told him if that was true he should leave. He wouldn't go.

am I the only person shocked by that response?
The guy has admitted he has a problem and is asking you for help.

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 07:06:54

I see it the same way as you Ruby.

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 07:09:51

I think he needs some support on dealing with the kids when they get a bit of a handful. And I think he is telling the OP that he doesn't feel like he can cope.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 28-Jan-13 07:27:42

I agree Ruby. If my DH put out such an obvious cry for help I would be pushing my DH towards support rather than planning how I was going to LTB.

If the OP had been reversed, so it was from a husband who was worried about his wife who had expressed suicidal thoughts and worries she would hurt the children, bet not many responses would be to call 999 and get SS involved.

OP, I'd suggest your GP as the first stop for help with (what sounds like) depression

Winternight Mon 28-Jan-13 11:26:22

I am looking for support because I find it difficult to know what to do to help him.
Thank you for your replies.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 28-Jan-13 11:34:31

If he won't go despite admitting he feels he is a danger to the children, and if he does indeed stall going to the GP's today, then he is not serious about asking for/obtaining help.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 28-Jan-13 11:35:14

I find it difficult to know what to do to help him.

Help yourself and your DC.
It is for him, as a grown man, to seek the help that he needs.

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 11:38:11

He pushed his 5yo over in public fgs. For normal childhood squabbling. Then started babbling about suicide, going off his food and drinking himself into an emotive stupor

If he needs help, he should go to his doctor. Not abuse his children and then cry for sympathy.

I would have told hm to leave as well. I would tell anyone to leave who wasn't safe to be around my children.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:45:32

Wow. The responses from those agreeing he's "being an arse", that he should leave, let him kill himself etc? Just wow.

If the OP had been from a husband, no way on this planet would you all be so cold and callous.

OP, it sounds like your DH is trying to reach out for help. You may think he's being self-pitying, behaving like an arse, getting maudlin etc. Here's the thing: that's how depressed people can appear to undepressed people.

Get him to his GP. Make the appointment for him if necessary.

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 11:47:30

There's another thread running at the moment about a dh who pushed his wife over. The responses on there are rather different Fishjam. Is it trivial because he only pushed a child over?

He's an adult. The kids' safety and welfare should come first.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:50:19

I have not said it's trivial. Don't put words into my mouth.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:53:17

Yes, the kids come first, can't understand why that even needs saying. But to basically abandon their dad when he's reaching out for help... No wonder suicide accounts for so many male deaths.

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 11:53:56

But your post implies that his welfare should be the focus and OP should be supporting him. I find that weird give that he assaulted his child. Maybe I am guilty of black and white thinking - but IMO, if he has crossed the line into violence, then protecting the children should be the priority.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, have done for years and am on strong medication which I will probably never be able to stop taking. I know how bleak and terrifying life can be with depression, really I do. But if I felt I was a danger to my children, if I snapped and physically assaulted one of them, I would remove myself from the house quicker than Concorde.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:56:28

I'm sorry if that's what you read into my post. It wasn't what I intended.

Don't think I'd better contribute any more to this, as I'm now upset enough to be physically shaking. (Personal reasons, before anyone accuses me of being unable to take criticism.)

rubyrubyruby Mon 28-Jan-13 12:32:24

Part of putting your children first involves helping and supporting their other parent.
Whilst I in no way condone what he did, he obviously immediately realised he was wrong, tried to make amends to the child, felt incredibly sad and reached out to his wife for help.

Imo - she should have sat down, reassured him that they would work through it together and discussed immediate and long term strategies.

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 12:34:27

Ruby would you say that if he had shoved his wife over rather than his child?

I will leave this now as I have made my comments, but I am a bit shocked that the consensus isn't to protect the children from violence.

cestlavielife Mon 28-Jan-13 12:59:23

the only way to help him is to march him to the GP and to take him at his word - dont leave him with DC but insist he seeks help. you cant get help for him; he has to seek it because he is an adult....

any mention of killing himself - you call 999. immediately. they will soon see if he stages recovery or not...

yiou can get help by calling someone eg womens aid; speak to your gp; go talk to someone.

you cannot sort him out - you can support him if you wish but only he can seek help and act on it.

meditrina Mon 28-Jan-13 13:07:13

If, as suggested in one of OP's post above, he is just being a drama queen, then there are major safety issues and OP really needs to be looking at how she finds a safe place for herself and her family.

But if he is suicidal, and possibly has MH issues, then yes he should be supported (just as you would support a DH wi any other illness). If he does not recognise this as a possibility, then yes you do have to march him to GP and hover, so you know what the diagnostic possibilities are, and whether a patient in those circumstances is likely to have the self-awareness to be able to take charge of their own recovery.

badgersma Mon 28-Jan-13 13:31:20

If he's really suicidal, obviously professional help's needed, but the refusing to eat and then drinking heavily rang alarm bells for me, because I had this behaviour used against me for years after bad behaviour by my ex - husband. I think it was a control device - "see how bad I'm feeling"

badgersma Mon 28-Jan-13 13:36:05

Forgot to add that I eventually rang Relate. They were extremely helpful - got to the crux of the matter very quickly by asking pertinent questions, and made me see quite clearly where the problem lay and gave sensible advice. Might be worth a call if this is an ongoing problem.

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 17:28:43

How you feeling about everything this evening Winter, and how is your OH?

Winternight Mon 28-Jan-13 18:06:35

Dh has read this thread and made an appointment to see gp. Thank you for your support.

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 18:16:05

That's good. Hope it goes ok and the situation starts improving for you all.

rubyrubyruby Mon 28-Jan-13 18:27:24

That's good Winternight.
I hope it goes ok and I'm sure he will come through this xx

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 28-Jan-13 19:24:25

Good news Winternight, hope that's the first step to sorting the situation out for you all

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