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DH and work colleague, am I overreacting ?

(45 Posts)
Gulson Sat 26-Jan-13 17:49:11

Hi all,

Serial lurker but first time post so bear with me.

For a week or two I have had a sense that my DH has been up to something. His phone has been surgically attached to him and he has been taking phone calls from a female work colleague in private. It has been as though every time my back was turned he was Been on the phone, added to this i have heard him on two occasions talking to her late at night. this week i came down stairs and asked who had been on the phone to and he told me his male colleague and how he had texted DH saying stuff about work so he called him. On Friday after another secret call I asked him what was going on. To cut a long story short, it wasn't his male colleague but the female one he had been sPeaking to and had phoned her. I asked to look at his phone and there are at least 4 calls a day to this woman. There are texts which look innocent enough but he has put kisses on them, which strikes me as weird because he's not that kind of person to send kisses to someone. He says he put kisses all the time to people at work but when i asked for proof he couldn't. he says the calls are because she has some problems at the minute that he is helping her through. He practically wrestled me to the floor when I got hold of his phone a second time !! He has lied and I don't know what to think !! Am I overreacting ? Is speaking to another woman late at night when I'm asleep appropriate ? Is it weird he speaks to her so much ( sometimes in front of me about work stuff)? Opinions please x

Peggotty Sat 26-Jan-13 17:51:16

No you are absolutely not overreacting! He is being secretive and dishonest! At the very least he is sniffing around her, at worst they are up to something together. Sorry.

AllThatGlistens Sat 26-Jan-13 17:52:06

Oh dear that doesn't sound good sad If there was nothing to hide why would he have been so reluctant to show you his phone?

I know there'll be other posters along soon to give you advice but I would absolutely be questioning his motives, he's already lied to you re. the phone calls.

So sorry you're going through this.

tribpot Sat 26-Jan-13 17:56:23

Well the kisses on texts thing is a weird one. I only do this with family and close friends, unless the person I am texting is a 'serial text-kisser' and then I might put one because they did - but never a work colleague, even the one guy I know who actually puts kisses in work emails. To all colleagues, male and female! Anyway, I digress. So that part on its own might not be too suspicious but coupled with the rest of the behaviour it is pretty obvious he has something to hide.

Again, it's not the speaking to her late at night that's particularly out of order, it's the fact that it's in secret. I chat to some of my friends (male) last thing at night if I'm on the laptop but it is never anything that my DH wouldn't be able to see (he'd be bored to death by work gossip and chat about a project we're doing, but he would be welcome to look at it).

If the chat is about some 'problems' she's been having, there would no reason for you not to see the texts. Again, similarly I am chatting on and off with a (male) friend who is having marriage problems - my DH knows about it. Could read the convo if he wanted to. My friend's wife knows I am talking to him as well.

As a friend of mine says, 'it's not the crime, it's the cover-up'. None of what he is doing is particularly suspicious in its own right, but his behaviour around it is definitely not right.

Charbon Sat 26-Jan-13 18:03:29

I can assure you that if his colleague was a man or a woman he wasn't attracted to, he would not be helping this person with their 'problems'.

Not an over-reaction. He has lied and there's a reason for that - and it's not that you'd be irrationally jealous or that you'd 'get the wrong idea'.

It's because you'd realise that this is a budding or existing affair and that you'd reached entirely the right conclusions.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 26-Jan-13 18:05:12

We say on here always trust your instincts. These are telling you something is very dodgy.

I would confront him and say that his behaviour - wrestling you to the ground, lack of transparency and the lies are enough for you to believe something is going on.

This links you to one of the best books around on infidelity:

newbiefrugalgal Sat 26-Jan-13 18:05:46

yes - not appropriate.
Make a tough stand now and tell him it's not on - don't play second fiddle to anyone. Tell him to make a decision - if he wants this relationship with you the hiding ends and if not - pack his bags and go.

Gulson Sat 26-Jan-13 18:25:45

So it's not me just then ! He insists they are just friends and nothing has happened and he says he doesn't find her attractive. Says he loves me. Re: The late night call this week. He was so convincing when he said it was his male colleague and it was only when I confronted him that he said it was the woman and that she had texted him. By this point I'd seen his phone and there was no such text. He then admitted he called her. He says he didn't tell me because he thought I would think it was weird. Am bloody furious, because i looked at his today and he had tried to call her when i was out but it said call fail (as if u ring the number and ring off). Of
Course he doesn't know how that happened, must have been a mistake he reckons ! I've got no concrete evidence though, it's only faced with this does he seem to come clean. I've told him not to call or speak to her outside of work, I feel controlling saying that but I can't think of what else to do. Sorry for the rant !!!

wiseoldowl Sat 26-Jan-13 18:25:56

Agree with Newbie - not acceptable

why the secrecy....if its about her problems he could have the conversations in front of you if necessary.

Trust your instincts...and protect yourself now. We may be cynical but the script could be rearing its head again.

Charbon Sat 26-Jan-13 18:30:22

You see, even before you'd posted his excuse for lying, we knew what it would be. That 'you'd think it was weird' is the same as 'you'd get the wrong idea'.

Time for a chat about how work friendships so often turn into affairs and that if the positions were reversed and you were lying about calls to another man, he'd reach the same conclusions as you. Please don't let him make you think you are being unreasonable, paranoid or jealous. You are not.

Gulson Sat 26-Jan-13 18:35:57

Thank you !
I asked what he'd think if the boot was on the other foot and he said he'd trust me !!!!!! Even though I'd lied !!! Unlikely story.

HecateWhoopass Sat 26-Jan-13 18:38:33

Yeah. He's lying to you.

Charbon Sat 26-Jan-13 18:39:26

Well that's just nonsense and you know it.

Banning him from contacting her doesn't remove his desire to. Much better to have a proper discussion about blurred friendship boundaries and how this can happen in the best and strongest of marriages. The book that a kind poster has hyperlinked is excellent for explaining this. Do download it and read it if you have a Kindle. Better still, ask him to read it.

<<Waves big feck off red flag at OP>>

Sorry you're going through this.

StripiestSocks Sat 26-Jan-13 18:47:03

Sorry, he's lying.

VBisme Sat 26-Jan-13 18:50:45

Web if he does just think he's "helping her through some problems" that still doesn't mean that it's innocent.
In the long run these situations usually escalate, they both view him as a "knight in shining armour", which is very attractive.
He needs to understand and accept the threat this poses to your marriage and then stop it.

newNN Sat 26-Jan-13 19:01:55

This exact thing happened to me - late, numerous texts, secrecy, lies. To this day he swears it wasn't an affair - that she had problems at work and he was helping her and that he hadn't told me because she didn't want anyone to know. To this day I don't entirely know for sure (he has subsequent form for lying). I wish with all my heart that I'd had MN back then, because I really didn't have anywhere to go.

I would be going through emails, computer history, skype etc. What he says may be true, but all this indicates, at best, a lack of appropriate boundaries and having his priorities in the wrong place.

If he's lying to you, then it means he knows that what he is doing is wrong!

Gulson Sat 26-Jan-13 19:08:55

Thank you !
I asked what he'd think if the boot was on the other foot and he said he'd trust me !!!!!! Even though I'd lied !!! Unlikely story.

Some of the texts just have kisses. He says it was to tell her he was thinking of her and her situation. (He thinks I'm stupid obs)

He's lying. I can see that clearly now. Will download the book and have a read at least it will feel like I am doing something.

StripiestSocks Sat 26-Jan-13 19:21:47

Erm, if a text only had a kiss, nothing else, I'd kick my DH out while we both had a think if we wanted to carry on. There is no possible explanation for that IMO.

Do you have kids? Can you afford to ask him to go to a hotel? I just wouldn't be able to carry on with a blatant liar.

I'm really sorry.

izzyizin Sat 26-Jan-13 19:31:16

He's lied through his teeth - what more 'concrete evidence' do you want or need?

Either he's already had his leg over crossed the line with this ow, or it's in the offing.

As for saying he'd trust you if the positions were reversed, in the immortal words 'He would, wouldn't he?'.

You're right about him thinking you're stupid - don't prove it by taking anything he says on trust.

myroomisatip Sat 26-Jan-13 19:35:12

Maybe you should try sitting at the opposite end of the sofa this evening, and start sending text messages, have the odd giggle to yourself and keep your phone close to your chest!!!! hhhmmmmm

deleted203 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:35:26

I think you have to insist that he stops this NOW if your relationship is going to continue. I would be saying to him, 'I don't give a shit what problems she is having. You are married and this is not your problem. She needs to find someone else to talk to about them. And she needs to not contact you when you are not at work. If the problems are not work related then it is fuck all to do with you and me and she is impinging on our time together'.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 26-Jan-13 19:37:18

Hes a big fat liar, and its the normal script, "just friends" "Your being paranoid" its all standard, you need to confront this and decide whether you can trust him, i dont think you can.

muddyboots Sat 26-Jan-13 19:39:03

Now that he knows you are onto him he will probably ALWAYS delete all calls and texts as soon as they are received or tell her not to call when you are in the house.

The innocent enough texts could be a secret way of getting in touch to see if it's 'safe' to ring or text further.

Do not trust him. Do not let him think you are the one who is over-reacting or being jealous. You are not. As wiseoldowl says look out for the script.

I am a cynical heartbroken old boot, but if I was you I would give him a stern warning to end it now and then pretend that I believed him and trusted him completely - whilst waiting for him to slip up.

Take care.

AnyFucker Sat 26-Jan-13 19:41:42

Classic work affair script

MidnightMasquerader Sat 26-Jan-13 19:43:20

To be fair to him, this is quite obviously the first time he's got involved in a dodgy situation, since he's extraordinarily crap at covering his arse - and at making something supposedly entirely innocent actually look entirely innocent...

As long as this continues, I'd be saying quite blankly that you do not believe him and that this is eroding all the trust in your relationship and that you're not happy. So if he continues, then he's quite obviously saying that those things don't matter to him. And then you have your answer.

AnyFucker Sat 26-Jan-13 19:44:50

Yes, he is a totally shit wannabe adulterer

It's really quite laughable

Either that, or he has fuck-all respect for your intelligence

I am not sure which is worst

izzyizin Sat 26-Jan-13 19:50:35

He's either a wannabe adulterer or he's a has been who wants another 5 minutes of fun fame with the ow.

It's bad enough he's had, or wants to have, his leg over with this ow, but insulting your intelligence would be another matter entirely if it weren't for the fact that he obviously believes he can have his cake and eat it and you'll be dumb enough to let him.

What do you intend to do about it?

izzyizin Sat 26-Jan-13 19:59:05

What makes it 'obvious' this is the first time, MM?

IME spouses who cheat are capable of having what one might call 'dispassionate adulterous liaisons' which consist of little more than scratching an itch and which don't encompass late night sexting texting.

It's only when emotions become engaged that longing and yearning for the newly beloved tends to cause the type of errors which give rise to suspicion in the cheatee.

MidnightMasquerader Sat 26-Jan-13 20:03:20

You're absolutely right Izzy - I was just trying to take the piss out of him a little bit, since really, he's displaying such a total lack of imagination as to behave in an utterly textbook way. As AF says, it's laughable.

Not the situation obviously, but his behaviour.

Gulson Sat 26-Jan-13 20:10:01

Blimey, you lot are good.

Ok so I have had the conversation today about this being an inappropriate friendship and all contact is for w

Gulson Sat 26-Jan-13 20:13:41

Sorry, new to this

Work only. He is lying I know him well enough to see it in his eyes. I just needed to hear someone else say it, if that makes sense !

Will talk tonight and give it to him straight (again)!!

Thanks your advice, really appreciate it. Will let you know what other bollock excuses he comes out with tomorrow.

SweetSeraphim Sat 26-Jan-13 20:28:51

Ok - so that is you giving him a chance to cut it off now.

I don't usually join these kinds of threads, but he is so blatantly lying that I feel awful for you.

Nobody just sends kisses on a text to anyone unless they are intimately involved with them, whether that be emotionally or physically. He is trying to take you for a fool.

Hope everything goes ok with the talk tonight Gulson, will be thinking of you.

izzyizin Sat 26-Jan-13 20:34:40

We don't need to need to know him or see it in his eyes because, as AF and MM have said, it's classic textbook behaviour as outlined on page 1 of the philanderer's script.

It would be a refreshing change if your twunt suprises us with a new load of bolleaux excuse but, depressingly, it will be a mishmash of the usual including how very unreasonable you are to expect him not to help a woman colleague who's as keen as he his to get his flies undone in need of his particular help and understanding.

Expect a violin and a few choruses of 'why don't you trust me, baby' followed by petulance and a strop when you make it clear that you're not falling for it and he's you're not having it.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 26-Jan-13 20:52:36

I been there with a man who was a potential cheat, i got the "My exes never let me have female friends" line and everything he did to me, he did to his gf after me too.

He'll whine, moan, probably cry, try to make you feel paranoid or mean, give it to him straight, eat the cake or have it, there is no both, dont let him take you for a mug, because he'll try too.

carlywurly Sat 26-Jan-13 21:15:35

He sounds like my xh, who now has a baby with the work woman who was going through issues. Such a cliched script, but they all seem to follow it.
Dp sends me texts with kisses on them and nothing else because he considers them to be really intimate.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. Many of us have been through it and come out the other side - let us help.

newNN Sat 26-Jan-13 21:47:20

he might not have thought to delete Skype messages or computer history. I urge you to take a closer look because it might tell you what you need to know.

muddyboots Sun 27-Jan-13 00:20:15

Hopefully your chat tonight will end things. If that is a friendship that may have overstepped the line or a full blown affair then you will have to decide what to do and if you can accept/forgive and move on....

But please Gulson prepare yourself in case you ever discover hard evidence in the future. Do not immediately confront him with the evidence without 'saving' it first. Make sure you know how to forward texts, emails etc or know how to take a screen shot.... Hopefully you will never need to gather such evidence but it helps to be prepared....especially if your man has a habit of denying and deflecting.

debtherat Sun 27-Jan-13 02:06:08

Just been there, still there. Strange how the woman at work has problems "being treated badly". Exactly the same with my OH - damsel in distress syndrome - he even helped her with job applications, presentation and now she has got the job and an extra £500 of Xmas pressies and she wants to let him down gently... having created a massive crisis for me and OH. He is still pining for her - mooning around/looking depressed and unfulfilled but staying for children and me ... but the jury's out .. might just be staying for home comforts..taking me for a mug.. as he may have been by OW. Hope she enjoys her new job not!

LineRunner Sun 27-Jan-13 02:12:47

Oh lord, deb, that's awful. Sorry. And for you OP too.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 11:02:04

Deb,, why haven't you put the mooning arsehole out? It must be very difficult and demeaning to look at his stupid face every day. Your respect for him must be in the toilet. God knows where his is for you.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 27-Jan-13 15:42:42

My Xh never put kisses on texts to anyone but me, until he got friendly with OW. She puts xx on messages to all her friends... he then put them on all messages to her. They claimed that they were supporting each other.

He was texting 100 times a day, as soon as he left the house, right through the day, and after I had gone to bed. Emailing her, ringing her, all to give her "emotional support" and ALL of it was hidden from me. his phone was chained to his side, he slept with it and I was no longer allowed to touch it. I never gave it a thought at the time, as I trusted him.....

When I confronted him , having found mobile records and emails, (he had already left by then, having suddenly walked out claiming that he no longer loved me), he said that he didnt contact her that much, that they were just friends, that her H knew (his best mate......).

I divorced him last November after he left at Easter. He is still contacting her behind her H's back.

What your H is doing is not right, anything that is hidden from your partner is wrong. if it was genuine and he had no feelings, he would say oh X is having a bad time, I have been texting her to make sure that is OK, I hope you dont mind.....

Your H is bang out of order. I am really really sorry that you have to go through this, but you need to get tough with him, tell him that you do not accept that he is in contact with another woman, that he has to cut all contact, or he can sod off.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 16:01:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 27-Jan-13 18:09:00

well said Matilda.

It is very much about what Gulson wants. Doesn't matter what her H wants. he has made his decision to start contacting another woman in secret.

It is now Gulson's decision as to whether she will accept that or not.

I didn't deal with my situation very well, as I was desperate to get XH back and found out after he left and tried to see the best in it.

If I had discovered the deception before he left me, I would have dealt with things in a very different way....

MidnightMasquerader Sun 27-Jan-13 18:12:03

How did your talk go, Gulson?

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