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I am absolutely and utterly arse achingly lonely

(66 Posts)
queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:10:42

That's it in a nutshell.

I've been by myself with three children for three years now. I feel utterly incapable of happiness. I don't know how to feel normal and despite being by myself I still can't quite get my head around the whole situation.

My ex has a whole new life and girlfriend, social life etc and I am just here and so so lonely and sad.

I need a kick or something but I don't know whet up do first.

Please help.

achillea Fri 25-Jan-13 23:12:56

You must have people in your day to day life? Work? Toddler groups? Family?

You don't need a kick, you need a kiss, and some love and some LIFE

Talk to us about your life as it is now, where you are, what you do, and we will help

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:18:27

I work a lot. I have a very very stressful job, that involves me working from home all hours. I have a family but while they are lovely say 'cone on you need to start pulling yourself together now'

I have tried hypnotherapy, counselling all different meds but I am still just here.

My children don't seem to be thriving under my care, they are very difficult and I snap a lot. My middle child has ADHD and ASD and I find looking after her exhausting with very few rewarding moments. When my children go away I either go and sit around a family members house or I stay be myself and go and watch a film. I don't know anyone else who is divorced.

I just feel like an utter loser.

queen you can't be a loser because (list alert)

A) you ae bringing up three children. You are their world
B) you are caring for a child with additional needs
C) you are doing this alone

Any one of those would get my admiration, bit all three together is a tough gig.

What would you LIKE to happen?

D) you work as well...forgot the one, sorry

TDada Fri 25-Jan-13 23:25:02

Hi- do you have time to play team sport or join gym classes?

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:28:09

I would like to feel happy again. I would like to feel loved by another adult. A lot of the time I feel like I am running on empty and the children would be better off without me around bringing them down. I will be fine and then I will for no reason just burst into tears.

I want to feel like I've got some life in me.

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:31:05

No I don't, I work and I look after the children. I wanted to try a single mothers meet up group but I'm so embarrassed by my dd's extreme behaviour. We were out last night and she was crawling around on the floor hissing (she does this a lot wheb she is sngry) d this group of women just stated at me in disgust. I cried all the way home and I hate the kids seeing me so upset.

sarahseashell Fri 25-Jan-13 23:32:24

hugs and sympathy from me brew
incidentally there's another lonely person a few threads down how's about PM buddies? smile

Okay - any other divorced/separated parents at the school? Any mums you like a little bit that you can drag out for a drink, or if not family member? Any chance of starting an evening class/ weekly exercise class? MN meetup or the meetup website?

Is bloody hard being lp and being stuck in on your own a lot is inevitable to some degree. Working from home is isolating. You're doing great keeping afloat. Be kind to yourself

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:33:18

Oh sweetheart. HUGS.

Can you go to the GP and get some help?

Can you join some groups?

queen keep trying!
So this group of mums weren't welcoming, another goup might well be. Please keep trying.

Now, enough about the children, what about YOU, who ae you, what do you do, what do you enjoy?

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:35:22

Oh, reading further - can you get respite care?

I care about you. I know I'm a random internet bod, but I do care.

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:35:56

I have tried anti depressants and I'm on the waiting list for more counselling. I put up a good front when I'm out and about.

I don't know any other single parents and some of the mums at the school tend to turn their noses up a bit at me because to the outside world dd appears quite feral!

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:37:09

I don't know who I am anymore, sorry I'm in tears typing this. I don't know what I like to do or what I enjoy. I am just sad.

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:38:24

Are there any specialised groups?

If you feel able, explain dd's social difficulties. I know people can be arses, 'tho.

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:39:49

Try to remember yourself, lovely. You need time to yourself.

No-one can go on alone and with nothing for themselves indefinitely.

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:45:03

In respect of specialised groups my exp refuses to believe diagnosis for dd, he says I can't control her and its my fault as I have given her abandonment issues because I went to pieces after HE left! I know how awful that sounds. I can't medicate her as he tells me he will take me to court and so I don't feel like I can go to a specialist group without him getting wind of what's going on and dredging it up again how it's all me.

idlevice Fri 25-Jan-13 23:45:22

Have you looked up Homestart in your area? Not sure whether it would be appropriate but you can self-refer.

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:47:50

I had a family link worker come over and she spoke to me as if I was giving the kids kebabs for breakfast and told me to do sticker charts for behavioural issues and then left!

sarahseashell Fri 25-Jan-13 23:49:47

Ex is being a dick and just saying that because he feels guilty. Can you get support and advice from your GP because it sounds as if you'd feel a bit better if getting some support in relation to that. Then if GP suggests a group just tell him that and go! you can go anyway!

When we feel down it's easy to imagine people are judging us harshly and all that but there will be one or two good eggs about somewhere near you, it's just a case of flushing them out. It really sounds like you need some proper help though can you ask GP if there are any other options for counselling?

We need to start with disentangling you from EXDH.
He doesnt live with th everyday reality of the situation.
It is not all you and you need some proper help for your DD

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:50:14

You need to get the resources that are available to you on side.

He is talking bollocks. Stop being afraid they will believe him over you. You live with her 24/7, don't you? Stand up for yourself.

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:51:50

I will go back to GP had one assessment with counselling and am now just waiting for my appointment. I wish I could go private but have spent loads on hypnosis and counselling with no luck so am now going back through NHS.

Yika Fri 25-Jan-13 23:51:54

Hi. Sad to read your post about not knowing who you are any more. Hug from me. Sounds like you need a rest. Is a week's holiday away somewhere relaxing without children at all possible? Perhaps a frivolous suggestion...

suburbophobe Fri 25-Jan-13 23:52:56

queen, I'm an LP, yes it's relentless.... and I only have 1! No help at all from his dad, never, nada, niente. Been out of his life since 6 months old.

But you are doing the most important job in the world.
You are NOT a loser! More like a winner doing what you do.

Don't get down on yourself for snapping. Are you getting help with your SN DC? Also for yourself, please pay a visit to your GP to start with. For me, I will never take any AD or anything (not judging those who do, it's just not for me), counselling helped (when you find the right one). and the time!

My DS is 21 now and at university.

You WILL get through this.

We DON'T have to be so-called "supermom"!

((hugs))

Herrena Fri 25-Jan-13 23:55:02

If you go to a specialist group then presumably there will be other people there who can corroborate your DD's diagnosis; I think you might be reassured (wrong word but YSWIM!) by that, if your ex is disbelieving. It can be hard to maintain a position when someone whose opinion you used to respect is openly against it. He sounds like he's in denial whereas you are dealing with the situation.

Is there any way you could adjust your work life so that you WOH occasionally - part-time perhaps? I do know what it is like to be lonely/depressed and having a casual conversation with a co-worker was a lifeline some days.

Also I would advise that antidepressants do work, but IME a good whack of CBT is also helpful. I got a self-help book and managed to spot a few of my 'bad habit' thoughts that lead me down a bad road. I still use the techniques now in fact.

It will get better than this, honestly. We do understand brew

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:55:17

I have said over and over again to him it's not me. The school have not been much help because she keeps it together at school she just explodes when we leave. I would rather it be that way round though. She also has issues with her writing and memory but he just bangs on about how she isn't listening because she is bored.

I do stand up for myself but he does make me question myself when she behaves nicely for him. I have been on the verge of sending her to live with him but that would mean her changing schools which would distress her even more and I don't want to hurt her anymore:

Yika Fri 25-Jan-13 23:57:50

The kebabs for brekky remark made me laugh, and then it made me wonder whether you have many laughs with your children? You sound very down. would doing something silly or indulgent with them that you can laugh about together help your relationship with them and also help lift your mood every once in a while? Again, I don't mean to be frivolous ...

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:57:53

It's not her that is the problem.

queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:59:15

My work is part time but I have a very demanding boss who doesn't understand boundaries. I have started pushing back and trying to belts part time but often it doesn't work. I get paid well for what I do which is good because I don't want to rely on the state but it does come at a price. I have looked around for something more local but the pay would drop dramatically and I would be so much worse off.

sarahseashell Sat 26-Jan-13 00:00:13

trust yourself OP -one of the advantages of being an lp is that you can make decisions and get help, you're the one seeing what's happening. His blaming you is nonsense just ignore that, think about some practical ways to get help for dd and for you.

Have you spoken to the school to see if they can get an educational psychologist? Also the GP needs to help you - dd needs a proper diagnosis and help. Drop the self blame (it is not your fault) and get practical

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 00:01:25

We don't laugh as a family very often as our whole lives seem to be dictated by what dd wants and the mood she is in. If we go for days out it often ends in disaster which then just puts me off. I so want my children to be happy and I'm dragging them down.

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 00:03:16

I've had a formal diagnosis but that seems to jot doubt for very much. I have regular meetings at the school and I've got an OT appt gonna up do hopefully they will be able to confirm if she has dyspraxia on addition.

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 00:04:33

I've just realised what a whinger and horrible person I sound. I'm not and really want to get back on my feet!

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 00:04:37

OP how long did you give the anti depressants? They do take a while to work and level out.
Is it a relationship or friendship that would be preferable?

suburbophobe Sat 26-Jan-13 00:04:45

my exp refuses to believe diagnosis for dd, he says I can't control her and its my fault as I have given her abandonment issues because I went to pieces after HE left! I know how awful that sounds. I can't medicate her as he tells me he will take me to court and so I don't feel like I can go to a specialist group without him getting wind of what's going on and dredging it up again how it's all me.

Right! So HE is the problem. He's fucking you around, you know that don't you? Tell him to fuck right off and take back your power!!

I also think a medical person is more qualified to tell you what she needs than him, frankly.

Get out of "the spell" he's put you under and get onto that counselling. Any counsellor worth their diploma will help you. It might take a bit of "shopping around"....

Maybe the Freedom Programme from Women's Aid? (Sorry, no experience yet).

suburbophobe Sat 26-Jan-13 00:07:57

I've just realised what a whinger and horrible person I sound.

You are neither of these. You have just got to take back your power from wankers who have messed with your head.

You can do it!

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 00:08:37

Sorry also just seen the bit about ex not wanting meds for dd, and accusing you of not controlling her.

Appalling, you are dealing with so much and need to rely on medical professionals not twats like him.

You do what you need to do and maybe this will give you head space to find something for you outside of the children?

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 00:11:08

I have drama with dd she is up now ill check back in thank you xxx

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 00:13:28

In respect of specialised groups my exp refuses to believe diagnosis for dd, he says I can't control her and its my fault as I have given her abandonment issues because I went to pieces after HE left! I know how awful that sounds. I can't medicate her as he tells me he will take me to court and so I don't feel like I can go to a specialist group without him getting wind of what's going on and dredging it up again how it's all me.

I'm very worried about the fact that you have been unable to get support for your daughter because he is threatening you with court, or by finding opportunities to blame you for the fact that your daughter has ADHD and ASD.

Your daughter needs support to ensure she reaches her full potential. You need to get her that support. If he threatens or obstructs by telling everyone how this is somehow your problem, he will the one to lose access, not you. They will see through this.

Try to make a plan of how to get your daughter some additional support and also for your other children to get a break as her behaviour will be affecting them too. Keep talking and keep asking for help.

smile

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 00:15:42

So you gave her abandonment issues because he left the family home. That'd be right.

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 00:15:58

Also OP where in the world are you? If SW London be glad to meet you, your OP has got me all concerned for you, you are so strong and don't seem to realise that you are.

lilacmamacat Sat 26-Jan-13 00:27:06

If I knew where you lived I'd come round and hug you RIGHT NOW.

Sounds to me like a change of job might help too - working at home can be so isolating. Also can you move further away from the ex? If necessary, just enough to give yourself a bit more (mental) space iyswim.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sat 26-Jan-13 00:36:05

Lots of good advice so far.

Can you start playing a sport. Sorry,I know this is a very simplistic bit of advice but it can be such a beneficial activity. Badminton is a good sociable sport and there are usually groups to suit everyone even complete beginners. Our leisure centre has drop in sessions a few times a week. They have a coach running it so there is always someone to play against. .????

dequoisagitil Sat 26-Jan-13 00:37:30

I am sure you have had better advice than I could give. Just stay strong and know you did your best, that's all you can ever do.

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 00:38:17

OP please check in when you can, I actually want to get in my car and come hug you in a v non MN style, I can't stop thinking about the enormous pressure you are under and the massive unfairness of the situation. What do you think you need to help your situation?

jent18 Sat 26-Jan-13 01:58:44

my 8 year old DD has ASD & ADHD and dyspraxia and severe dyslexia. She has acted feral and bitten/kicked/punched other children and adults. She is now on ritalin and better able to control herself and her temper. It is the best thing we could have done for her and this family. Don't listen to your EXH- he's an arse and doesn't know what he's talking about. Speak to the professionals about your daughter and see what they feel is best for her (and you).

With a special needs child other people often stare and make rude remarks - you are going to have to grow a thick skin and learn to ignore them. What's most important is that your DD and your other DCs are happy. And that in turn will put you in a better place and be able to start thinking about your own well being a bit more.

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 02:08:45

Know it's late but wondered how the OP was doing after DD meltdown?
Are you OK?
So sorry to sound stalker ish but your OP really spoke to me iykwim?
Just want to support!

VestaCurry Sat 26-Jan-13 02:13:23

Well you certainly are not a whinger!! You are coping with a lot of stress, most of it coming from your ex h with his clueless blaming and threatening behaviour. Do not let him make you doubt yourself. Do not, please. You have a diagnosis for your dd, you need to build on it in terms of what support you can get in place to help your dd, and therefore your other children, then of course you.
I know we're online, and can't support in person, but I wish we could.
What friends do you have? Any close ones you can ask to go out for a drink and a natter, while a family member babysits? Some regular getting out and socialising, just baby steps even, would be good I'd think.

Astelia Sat 26-Jan-13 02:39:09

OP it sounds hellish and you sound at the end of your tether. Are all three DCs at school? Would you be able to look for a different job that gets you out of the house?

It sounds like you need a break and some time to make a social life. When does DH look after the DCs?

Can you get respite care for DD? It should be available in your area.

ToomuchWaternotWine Sat 26-Jan-13 02:45:03

Well done on reaching out, at least on here. You are awesome, never forget that.

Your ex is talking bollocks and cannot possibly do anything like he claims. He wouldnt even get to court, im sure. It's him feeling guilty, or just dishing out abusive crap, ignore ignore ignore. Get as much professional help for your dd, and you, as you can. Keep fighting until you get what you deserve. Never ever think your kids are better without you, they need you and love you.

And for you, you mention family, will they help? Do they know you are finding it hard? Reach out. Tell us where you are if you can, maybe someone is nearby. Or just keep talking here.

TDada Sat 26-Jan-13 07:54:28

If there is a way to get to exercise class it is a good alternative (endorphin fix) to anti depressants... and the social contact obviously good for you.

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 08:20:33

Hi ladies so sorry I didn't check back in I fell asleep I'm exhausted! I'm overwhelmed by the amazing support thank you so much,

In respect of my friends I've really come to realise that actually I haven't got that many real friends maybe just one or two! One of them lives a long distance from me now but I do call get and we talk and she is very supportive.

I am very mindful of boring people as it has been such a long time, my family can be a bit dismissive of the situation now.

For example at Christmas I went to my sisters and my youngest was very whingy all day. I was very mindful of it. We left early and I was home by 6pm. After I put the kids to bed I sat by myself and cried for a solid hour then just went to bed. When I spoke to my family I said I thought she was just a bit overwhelmed by it all, they just kept going on and on by how much she could whinge and I needed to stop treating her like a baby, this Is my dd without sn by the way.

My ex has two of the children every other weekend including dd.The eldest is from a previous relationship so stays with me. His father is not involved at all. That's another reason that I feel like a let down because I have 3 by 2 and am by myself.

I really am thankful for your advice and help, flump pls pm me i don't like to give away to many personal details but SW is easy for me.

Hissy Sat 26-Jan-13 08:21:37

Sweety, you really have so much on your plate. You do need to tell your Ex to FUCK OFF and let you handle your DC appropriately.

If the Dr thinks medication might work, it's worth a try. If you were taken to court, the Judge would see that you ARE doing the best for them and that to leave a condition/issue untreated is more neglectful than supposedly 'drugging' your DD. I know nothing about additional needs, but I believe that if something can be tried to help, then for the sake of the child and the family it has to be worth a shot.

SHe does sound as if she could do with any help to balance things out, and that is YOUR call.

Your twunt of an Ex lost some ability to run your lives when he walked out.

You really ARE doing so well, and life WILL get better. Detach from the Ex and take charge of your life. You have every right to live better, and I do think that it's totally within your reach.

Yika Sat 26-Jan-13 08:49:49

Hi again! Glad you had a good sleep.

You are not a whinger, and not a failure. You are not in an easy situation. Do you ever get a totally child free weekend? Could family take your oldest sometimes?

I second the suggestion of physical exercise. Could you also do some physical activities with your children? Put on some music and have a good dance round the living room? Go out for a walk and have a race with them? Play fight? Take them swimming or or cycling? Help them build a den? I say these things not as any kind of fix for your situation as it obviously doesn't address the loneliness or the deeper problems you face around your daughter and your ex, but it seems to me that you could do with an injection of fun in your family life, even if only for 10 minutes a day.

Also, give yourself permission to feel the way you do - ignore your family's bracing talk - if you need a good cry, let yourself - and then tell yourself something supportive or soothing as if talking to a friend. Be a friend to yourself. Don't use the fact that you're struggling as a stick to beat yourself with.

ThereGoesTheYear Sat 26-Jan-13 09:01:26

Does your ex think anyone can get a diagnosis for any old child just like that? So he knows better than you her primary cater and the medical professionals who diagnosed her? What a twat! I'd love to see him in court saying that and justifying why your DD has been denied treatment for a medical condition.

You sound exhausted. But you have to stand up to your ex about this issue for the good of your whole family. It makes me wonder how else he's still bringing you down.

Have you been on the SN board here?

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 09:06:26

I don't mean to be stealth but don't want to give away too much personal info. I paid to go privately so he says I have basically paid to get a diagnosis. I was completely transparent with consultant and have said that she behaves for him but not me.

Hissy Sat 26-Jan-13 10:00:48

Your DD behaves for him, because she is scared of him.

Plain and simple. She's more relaxed with you. It's kind of a good thing, although I bet it feels far from that mostly.

Ignore your ex. Do what's best for your child. You can do this.

nightcat Sat 26-Jan-13 16:40:31

OP, I pm'd you.

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 19:20:34

It is quite possible that they are calmer with Dad because he is less exhausted than you. You mention that you snap at them, that's a symptom of being tired and not coping - that's not your fault, it just means you need a break. Let yourself snap but say sorry, keep communication open and DO use Dad to give you a break. He does seem to care because he is trying to tell you how to do things 'properly' and although it is arrogant and unhelpful it means he hasn't walked away quite yet.

Would it help you or hinder you if he did more of the childcare?

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 19:23:34

Your Christmas sounds like a nightmare and your parents are doing the classic 'blame the mother' thing. Mine did the same, I was spoiling them, ignoring them, whatever. It took a long time before they realised that a child with SEN has different needs and that it takes a while, even for the mother, to learn how to meet those needs.

jjgirl Sat 26-Jan-13 19:44:07

I think you should get a blood test to see if you are anemic or have a thyroid problem, could be lacking in vitamin b or d possibly. I am on my own with one small child with ASD and thought I was not coping until my GP did some tests. I am doing sooooo much better now it's mostly sorted

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're nowhere near me or I'd take you for a coffee and chat/support.

You are doing so so much better than I ever could in very difficult circumstances. I don't blame you for any of it and truly think you're amazing.

Take care and I hope things work out for you soon x

mrslaughan Sat 26-Jan-13 21:09:16

Do you have ant SEN support groups in your area? I know there is a ASD support group near us and they do get together involving the kids and I think also without kids. Then you would have understanding companions.
My DS has a SEN, fairly well managed now, but I have been there and understand how awful it is to feel the judgement from parents who don't know or understand the full story.
I hope you can find a support group close by.

chucksaway Sat 26-Jan-13 21:16:47

OP you are doing a brilliant job, listen nobody is perfect and everyone has their bad days keep thinking positive thoughts and keep coming to this site for support. We are all mothers here and all have hellish days with our kids but we love them and would do anything for them. Please dont be so down on yourself we can only do our best! Hugs and nice glass of wine to ensure you have good nights rest

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