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I need help - going to have sex with my DH for the first time in a year

(37 Posts)
swingingfromthechandeliers Fri 25-Jan-13 14:53:51

I have name changed because I am so embarrassed to admit the state of our sex life.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. We never had a fab sex life if I'm honest -mainly because (TMI alert) he was too big and it hurt. Then I had kids (thanks to pushing the babies out, the 'too big' wasn't an issue anymore due to the grand canyon created by their heads).

But then we had the usual issues - post babies, too tired, too resentful, just can't be arsed phase. It started with once a month, then once every few months, then four times a year. And for the last two years, we have had sex just once each year (not even on his birthday!!)

It is an issue. Because it means we live like flatmates and I know my DH needs sex to feel loved. For me, I honestly could just, ahem, sort myself out, and be ok but the affection and closeness does help us forgive every day squabbles. But he gave up trying when I just wasn't into it. So no-ones been making any effort.

I am pleased to report that my libido seems to have resurfaced from years of resentment/exhaustion. DH and I have just had a BIG conversation. One that starts with a little argument but before you know it, everything comes out and the issue of lack of sex was part of it.

I said that I actually do want to have sex but that he doesn't seem keen anymore. He said he has given up trying. So I suggested that given we have a child free night tonight, that we just do it. We both agreed that we are nervous and neither of us really knows how to get things started. It's nuts - we feel like shy teenagers. He tends to get giggly (not really a turn on) when he's like this.

Please mumsnet - I don't need an analysis of why this has happened. All I want are your best tips to help me have sex with my husband tonight, particularly making those first moves (once things are underway I think it'll come back to us). I am not naturally affectionate and I know that just touching each other, holding hands etc would be a good first step.

But I'd love to hear any other tips/advice on this. Tx

Hassled Fri 25-Jan-13 14:58:04

I think tonight might be one of those occasions where a couple of glasses of wine wouldn't go amiss - may help you both relax. Just try not to overthink it, try and pretend it's a normal thing to do for you on a Friday night. Don't spend from now till bedtime stressing - keep busy.

Spellcheck Fri 25-Jan-13 14:59:30

I agree with Hassled - you both need to relax, so how about a nice bottle of wine with a meal, and some good conversation? Good luck!

RuchedCurtain Fri 25-Jan-13 15:01:21

Wine sprang to my mind too!!

swingingfromthechandeliers Fri 25-Jan-13 15:02:50

we are going out for an early meal which will involve wine - it's getting the balance right, enough to relax, not so much that we want to fall asleep.

Hegsy Fri 25-Jan-13 15:03:00

Flirt with each other. Gentle touching, brush up against him, snuggle and watch a movie. Doesn't need to be in bed. Start with kissing, caressing maybe a massage?

Good luck x

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 25-Jan-13 15:04:57

Agree, have a couple of (largish) glasses of wine, cuddle up on the settee and see what happens.

We often set a time for sex. I need to relax when I've put the DC to bed, have never been able to swap straight from mum to sexual wife. If we leave it too late in the evening I'm too tired. So our romantic conversation goes " do you want sec tonight?" " what time shall we do it then".

Is there anything you particularly like that you could ask him to do?

HeyHoHereWeGo Fri 25-Jan-13 15:08:51

Tell each other - look this is going to be a bit crap but lets just see if we can remember which bit goes where ha ha ha
Dont tell each other - oh baby I'm going to rock your world you are going to have the best night of your life

ie I would approach this from the having a laugh point of view and not the look at me amateur porn star tactic

Good luck, well done, it happens to loads of us, enjoy!!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 25-Jan-13 15:14:27

Not too much food if it makes you sleepy.

Ditto snuggling in front of TV - it makes me fall asleep!

Wine, candles, music.

Share a bath?

Good luck!

Don't get anxious about it. And don't panic if you end up not having sex (let's face it, the whole situation isn't exactly conducive to it all going brilliantly). Have some wine, a nice meal, cuddle up, hold hands, kiss and see where it goes from there. You could even take a warm bath together (with champagne/sparkling wine) to start off with if you think that will help.

More generally, try to build a little bit more physical affection into everyday life. A bit of holding hands, cuddling while watching TV, kisses and cuddles at bedtime etc and build up from there. You're much more likely to establish a sex life you're both happy with if you take off the pressure and just work on getting to a point where you both want to have sex naturally (rather than a 'crisis point' situation).

It should be about sex being fun and making you both feel close, rather than seeing it as a chore/requirement.

OneLieIn Fri 25-Jan-13 15:21:39

Go and buy some new underwear, nothing slutty, just something that makes you feel good.

Lovely scented moisturiser for your legs

A sneaky glass of wine with half a viagra in it :-)

BranchingOut Fri 25-Jan-13 15:23:23

Sorry to be prosaic, but I think that some lubricant might be useful.

Sugarice Fri 25-Jan-13 15:23:49

Do you have oil?

A nice relaxing massage is guaranteed to make you both feel more relaxed and into that mood.

It doesn't even have to be that if you feel it's a bit too much. Stroking each others backs can be as pleasurable as long as there's no rush. Agree with the wine and soft lighting or turn the light off.

Have fun and go slowly.

I agree about the lubricant.

StephaniePowers Fri 25-Jan-13 15:28:14

Lots of physical affection before you get to the bedroom.
Lights off if you're feeling your bodies are something to be self-conscious about.
LOTS of foreplay, agree to ahem stop before it's too late, but build up a few times and see where that gets you.

Bluemonkeyspots Fri 25-Jan-13 15:29:31

When we watch tv at night after dc are in bed dh usually sits on the floor leaning back on the couch and I am lying on the couch behind him (he is usually relegated to the floor as he can't be trusted to sit on my new couch with a drink but I'll leave this detail out grin)

It let's me lie with my arm on his chest or play with his hair/stroke his neck. Sometimes that leads onto something else or it may just send one of us to sleep but it's nice to have the closeness.

notnagging Fri 25-Jan-13 15:44:01

Start from now! Send little messages to each other. By the time you get home you won't have to say much. And a bit of lubricant smile

meditrina Fri 25-Jan-13 15:48:07

Do you have a copy of a good quality filthy book handy? Maybe something fun like Fanny Hill?

StuckOnARollercoaster Fri 25-Jan-13 15:49:15

I find a large part of it is in my mind - I need to 'feel' randy otherwise the physical activities don't seem to work as well.
A couple of things that may or may not help depending on your personality -
Wear a skirt for the meal and if its not too freezing tonight do without knickers (maybe just hold ups) - for some reason it makes me feel naughty and that starts to work for me. Have been known to tell boyfriend that halfway through the meal and its seems to make him rush through pudding or even skip it!
Reading erotic short stories - can find them by googling but you do need 'female erotic' in the search criteria and weed out some crap to find some stuff that is usually written by women for women - less about the physical act of sex but more about the 'story'.
If your a regular user of a vibrator - do it a little, but not so much that you go through with it - just enough to give a bit of a thrill and make you want more.
The key is to be relaxed though - whether its a bath/shower together or a gropey cuddle on the sofa its probably best to not go too far outside your comfort zone for the first time...

fluffyanimal Fri 25-Jan-13 15:49:27

If you both enjoy music, go through your old CD collections, put on your favourite tunes and let the music help you remininisce about old times and the earlier days of your relationship. I find music can be as much of an emotional loosener as alcohol.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Fri 25-Jan-13 16:50:19

Oooohhhh.... My DH and I arranged to meet at a bar. Like a date. I met him there. I can't explain but it was so weird NOT going at the same time. Like when we first met and we were dating. We pretended we were still dating and did all the flirting while sharing a lovely bottle of wine. Made such a difference. We also agreed not to talk about family, work etc.

swingingfromthechandeliers Fri 25-Jan-13 16:58:49

Thanks for all the tips. Off to put some sexy underwear on now (I must have some somewhere!) Might be a bit late for the lubricant as I don't have any and we're going out soon and not sure saying: Sorry dear, I'm just popping into Boots for some KY is going to help.

But the bath might. And I might go dig our my 50 shades of grey quickly....

NoThankYouToSideSalad Fri 25-Jan-13 17:12:16

Have fun! I have a very good friend who, like your DH, has been feeling rejected by his DW for years. Can't help but hope for his sake that you are his Missus! grin

wiseoldowl Fri 25-Jan-13 17:25:27

Hope you have a good evening.....I was going to advise a bit of 'sexting'.

Perhaps next week, when he's at work....it could help to build up the anticipation a bit and make it feel a bit more like dating. Even just starting with 'Hi Sexy' or 'hope you're having a good day' can lead on to things.....works for me & DP grin

villagegossip Fri 25-Jan-13 18:29:18

Have a lovely night - enjoy the food and the wine and flirting with each other. Tell him how handsome he looks and that you can't wait to feel close to him later.

Don't put too much pressure on each other though and fingers crossed tonight will get things back on track smile

carabos Fri 25-Jan-13 18:47:26

This is a JFDI situation. No matter how bad it is (and why should it be?) Just F**** Do It. Then tomorrow do it again. Do it every day until it feels "normal" again.

Best of luck.

44SoStartingOver Fri 25-Jan-13 18:53:13

If i were you, I'd face the reality that it can take a little while to get the hang of it again.

Def go for meal with wine, but I'd consider discussing in advance that you hae a goal to turn each other on, using whatever method you choose, but you will not have PIV sex. Taking it off the menu means you can focus on foreplay and getting it right. Connecting if you will. Lots of oral, lots of snogging, without quite finishing, then build up for a really pleasing finale in a few days.

Read some erotica in advance - as you say, so much of it is in the mind.

Also check your contraception is reliable!!!!!

Good luck!

LillianGish Fri 25-Jan-13 18:56:36

Carabos you beat me too it - I was going to suggest exactly the same thing.

onthemetro Fri 25-Jan-13 18:56:45

Hope you have fun tonight OP! And dont forget to report back to us nosy MNers tomorrow wink

swingingfromthechandeliers Sat 26-Jan-13 09:34:07

reporting back: I went for the JFDI approach. I tried to be affectionate throughout the evening but he was quite distant, which is weird because he's normally the affectionate one. Maybe he thought my affection was just a put on due to the discussion we had. Anyway, we had a nice night out and probably a bit too much champagne, but a lot of fun walking home in the snow.

Then when we got in he said he wanted a whiskey. I made him one but took it upstairs to the bedroom. I could see he was starting to get awkward, but I just thought sod it, it IS Happening. So I took my clothes off, except sexy lingerie, took his off and I just basically made it happen. It wasn't wow - mainly because I think we'd both had too much to drink. But we fell asleep holding each other which isn't usual. And this morning, I decided to wake him (or rather a certain part of him) which led to it happening again and it was a lot better.

So here's to the end of the drought. Now we just need to do it more regularly. Thanks for all the tips

SlowLooseChippings Sat 26-Jan-13 09:37:54

Woohoo!! Nice work, and well done. I raise my glass of orange juice (too early for wine !) to the continued good health of your sex life!

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 26-Jan-13 09:39:13

Twice! Well done grin

tumbletumble Sat 26-Jan-13 10:51:47

Well done OP!

Now this may sound unromantic, but I think you need to put in a bit of effort to make sure it doesn't slip back to how things were. Maybe give yourself a target of how many times you'd ideally have sex per month? I recommend reading 365 Nights by Charla Muller which is a light hearted look at the importance of sex in a marriage.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 26-Jan-13 15:23:44

Fizzy wine, lube, nice giggly shag grin

Or lie back and think of MumsNet.

meditrina Sat 26-Jan-13 15:46:04

Well done OP!

And well done for not thinking of MN (unless a line of pom-pom waving vipers at the end of the bed actually spurs you on shock )

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 15:56:09

This has made me smile

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 26-Jan-13 16:03:57

WooOOOOOO!

You sexed, you sexed, you sexed <runs off giggling>

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