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Hes rejecting sex, blaming low sex drive, but watching porn.

(25 Posts)
Rejected Fri 25-Jan-13 12:45:56

I've done a quick search for threads on this topic but cant find any that include turning down sex.

Have name changed.

This morning I found that DP has been watching porn on his phone either this morning before work, or last night while I was awake. I didn't used to have a huge problem with him watching porn as long as our sex life was ok but its different now.

We've been having problems recently with him not wanting to have sex with me. I am always the one that initiates it and most of the time now he will try and get it over quickly (within 2 minutes) and then refuse to make sure I'm satisfied (sorry I don't know how to put it). I've always had a high sex drive and he did too when I met him.

I talked to him about him turning me down (before I knew about the porn) and he said he's just not interested in sex and has lost his sex drive. Its not even ever on his mind.

We had a baby 6 months ago and I feel so self conscious and unattractive despite making an effort everyday with my makeup and trying to make myself attractive (all for him as I only see him most days)

What do I do? How do I approach the subject with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 12:52:35

At best he's getting a fairly intense 'fix' from the porn which means he's got nothing left for you. At worse, it goes beyond porn on a phone and there's a real live person behind it. As you say, if your sex life was OK it might not be a big deal. Being rejected or subjected to nothing more than perfunctory shagging is a massive problem.

There's no easy way of approaching it. "We need to talk.... there is something majorly wrong with our sex-life... what's going on?"

OneMoreChap Fri 25-Jan-13 14:59:24

Sees you as mum rather than lover?
ED?

As CES you need to talk about it.
No, it's not easy.
Talking about ED with DW was a bit hard, and can pinch a bit of spontaneity...

HotBurrito1 Fri 25-Jan-13 16:36:55

Think you'll need to ask him about the porn, as he clearly has some sex drive left despite what he says. Does he treat you well at other times?

As an aside, why do you only see him most days?

cronullansw Fri 25-Jan-13 19:52:03

New baby.
He's moved down the priority list.
He feels he's actually moved off the priority list.
Your body has changed.
A lot.
Your free / play time has almost disappeared.
He's now a father........ oh my god, the responsibility.....
You are now no longer his lover, but a mother.....

Yup. Things change when there are babies around.

BelaLugosisShed Fri 25-Jan-13 20:00:21

hmm

Desperately. Trying. Not. To. Engage. With. Arseholes.

Tryharder Fri 25-Jan-13 20:05:52

Just because a woman has a baby, does in no way justify her DH to behave how this man is behaving.

Are we really expected to justify this behaviour because the poor diddums feels pushed out? FFS.

ED? CES? Are we meant to know these acronyms?

Fairylea Fri 25-Jan-13 20:21:15

Hmmm. I'm not entirely sure I agree with the other posters.

I am your dh at the moment.... we had a baby 7 months ago and my sex drive as in having sex has effectively jumped off a cliff. I am a woman by the way.

Pre baby (after a massive age gap) dh and I would have sex every day.

Now I couldn't care less if I never have sex again.

I know I need to address this for dh really as I can't expect him to be happy in a sexless marriage but that's how I feel right now..I have no energy, interest or desire for actual sex.

But - occasionally maybe once a week I might masturbate. No porn involved in my case but I do find it relaxing and de stressing..but it's not the same as bouncing around the bed with someone or having to do anything.

So I wouldn't necessarily leap to say he's cheating or whatever. I'm not sure what you can do, maybe it's just a phase. That's what I think with me.

Masturbation and having a drive to have actual sex are not the same thing at all.

ArmyOfPenguins Fri 25-Jan-13 20:49:24

Does he know you know about the porn? Have you asked him why your pleasure doesn't matter when you do have sex?

You need to communicate. But from what you've written it sounds as if he's compartmentalised his sexuality and sees you as being in a different category now you're a mother. Even if that's not the case, he is being extremely selfish.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 21:32:02

Porn can be so damaging to relationships. It has been linked to erectile dysfunction and also inability to ejaculate through penetrative sex, often due to the different technique used when wanking (aka the death grip).

I wonder how much he is using porn as addiction to porn often results in the lack of desire for real life sex.

Kathy420 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:44:48

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:01:54

Kathy is a troll.

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:02:21

It is only six months.

MooMooSkit Fri 25-Jan-13 23:14:40

There's nothing wrong with porn you are right but when it starts to get in the way of healthy sex in a relationship it's a problem. There's no easy way of going about it so you might as well just come out with it, tell him you noticed the porn and wondered why he was still interested in porn but not you after claiming he had a "low sex drive?" If you find it hard discussing in person could you not text when he is out to break the ice and say "I found this can we speak about it when your home?" Just to make it easier?

TDada Fri 25-Jan-13 23:21:41

How old is DH? Worth checking for diabetes etc.

Casmama Fri 25-Jan-13 23:34:02

I don't know if it helps but my sex life with dh was infrequent at best for about 18 months after dc was born and then one night he told me it was the first time since dc was born that he had not thought about the birth.

It was a high cavity forceps birth so quite brutal really but I had a spinal so was ok and although physical healing took a while I think I was far less traumatised than dh.

How was the birth,could that be an issue?

Charbon Sat 26-Jan-13 01:01:17

Oh there's plenty wrong with porn.

And these threads are depressingly familiar. They all start the same way i.e

"I am okay with him using porn but....."

- he doesn't want sex with me anymore
- he's started webcamming
- he's joined a dating site
- he's having an affair

Pick any of these for the finale to any of these threads.

Meanwhile, all these women OPs are deprived of a sex life............

Talk to him. Be clear that you want an intimate relationship and are not willing to be with someone who prefers wanking to porn to a real sex-life.

HeyHoHereWeGo Sat 26-Jan-13 13:16:28

Get angry!!!!!!!!!!

He would rather wank over some rotten gonzo porn that actually have real life sex with his wife.

He is having porno sex with you I'm afraid, just like in porn your orgasm matters not one bit as long as he comes thats the point of it.

AnyFucker Sat 26-Jan-13 13:20:03

"I have always been ok with porn but..."

OP, it might be worth having a look at all the threads that start this way.

Tell him you have changed your mind. You are "no longer ok with porn" since it is impacting on your sex life.

Rejected Sun 27-Jan-13 00:28:21

Sorry for not coming back till now. I thought I would tell you what's going on.

I talked to him. It took a really long time to get this out of him but he said he's disgusted by his body (he put on a lot of weight when I was pregnant). He hates me touching him because he feels so fat and he worries what I think of him. He realises that because he's been rejecting me without explanation while I feel self conscious myself, its added tension so has made things even worse when I go near him. With the porn he doesn't have anyone looking at him and he doesn't have to be confronted by his own body.

I'm glad he's opened up and I can completely understand where he's coming from. I feel the same way when he looks or touches parts of me that I'm self conscious about.

HeyHoHereWeGo Sun 27-Jan-13 00:30:52

So whats he been doing about it?
Whats his plan of action?

That's good, Rejected, it sounds like you might be able to sort things out.

Porn isn't the Great Evil In Our Midst. It doesn't invariably wreck marriages. Men who look at it are not all monsters - sometimes they are trying to be considerate by having a wank rather than asking their partner, who is recovering from childbirth or looking after a newborn, for sex.

And yes, some men do struggle a bit about percieving their partner as a sexual being after she's become a mother. If they were brought up superstitious with 'traditional' (ie misogynist) values, they might find it hard to shake off the madonna/whore divide even if they are intelligent and educated, even with effort. Not to say it cant be done, but as with most marital problems, the answer is to keep talking to one another. Best of luck.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sun 27-Jan-13 00:49:22

I'm glad you've talked, but if he is worried about his own body, why is he having sex with you for two minutes shock and then not touching you further?

OneMoreChap Mon 28-Jan-13 11:24:10

ED = Erectile Dysfunction: can be caused physical/mental reason. See GP to chat about [I fouund it hard to talk to my female GP about it, but sex is important, so tell him to suck it up)

CES - CogitoErgoSometime: what they said - talk about it.

Oh - and fat people - like me - have sex and enjoy it; body image is a fucker to self-esteem though.

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