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How do I get him to stop using our circumstances as a weapon? and why doesn't he want to spend any time with me?

(63 Posts)
bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:37:12

Hi everyone, I am a couple of weeks away from having my first baby. My partner goes to work and I stay at home. I would say that on average every day he spends around 5 minutes WITH me. He gets home and says hello and we have a little chat about anything interesting that has happened that day and then that is it. I won't see him / spend time with him for the rest of the night. I also know that this weekend he won't spend any time with me.

If I bring up that he doesn't spend any time with me - or anything that upsets me actually - his response is that he goes to work all day. He uses this as almost a weapon. He does whatever he wants every single day and night and weekend - if I say but I want you to do this or I want us to do this or can you sit with me and talk? I GO TO WORK ALL DAY! If I go in one room he will go into another room. I go to bed very early and he doesn't come to bed till very very very late. So it's not like he doesn't get time for himself. If I ask him to do something with me on Sat or Sun he will say THIS IS MY ONLY DAY OFF A WEEK! (Which implies that I am another JOB he has to do).

If I start to 'nag' (this how I feel I am seen) he will say he goes to work and is stressed. For the record his job is not stressful - it is a really nice job - we both know this.

The bottom line is I feel I have to nag him to spend time with me - I feel SO lonely. I look forward to him coming home because I have spent the whole day alone watching TV - I then spend the evening watching TV and feel so bored and so lonely. I also can't handle this guilt that he keeps putting on me that he works and I do nothing. I am praying for the baby to come today so I will actually have some attention and something to do.

How can I stop him from making me feel so guilty about him working and WHY doesn't he want to spend any time with me? When we met he wanted, desperately, to spend 24 hours a day with me.

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 09:40:19

Hmmmm, big alarm bells rining here. What does he actually do every evening and weekend?

In your position, I would be planning my exit, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who I have to force/beg/cajole to spend time with me, whatever the actual reason behind this...

When is the baby due?

CharlieMumma Fri 25-Jan-13 09:42:32

Oh dear - doesnt sound great at all. I don't seem dp much as we work opposite days for childcare but do try and make the most of the time when we are together. Seems unfair that he doesn't want to see you - do you think maybe he is having a massive wobbler about the baby and trying to cram all his single time in to what space there is before baby? Not fair at all obviously but possible reason? What is he actually doing when he's not with u is he out or on computer games or drinking?? Really sounds crappy tho

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:44:49

The baby is due very soon. He doesn't go out in the evenings or weekends - he is constantly on the internet, playing games or on other high tech gadgets. Websites are not dodgy ones - just to do with his hobby or social networking or playing games.
I feel that way - like, how pathetic am I that I have to whine and whine at him for him to just be near me. I am like a dog.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 09:45:47

This is bad. And if it's bad now when you're only pregnant, imagine what it's going to be like when there's a baby to look after. Won't be volunteering to help there when he's been 'working all day' will he? Won't be getting up in the night or offering to let you have a nap at the weekends... He's setting your expectations.... LOW. Don't fall for it.

Forget feeling guilty and working out why he doesn't want to spend time with you and just bloody well demand he stops making excuses, stops being selfish and starts acting like a partner (and a father ultimately) rather than a single man with no responsibilities ....

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:46:37

Yes he has wine every night. I don't think he is worried about the baby. I think he is just enjoying himself and I play no part in how he enjoys himself.

meditrina Fri 25-Jan-13 09:46:38

Nagging is unlikely to help, I'm afraid, and the lack of communication is often a bad indicator. How long has he been like this?

Ok, well he sounds like a Dick, but why do you spend all day alone watching tv?

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:51:49

Cogito - I would love to say that to him 'stop acting like a single man with no responsibilities' - but do you know what he does? He does things for me or for the baby and COLLECTS them in a pot in his mind - then when I say "you do this or you don't do this" he presents his pot! and says "EXCUSE ME... I DID THIS AND I DID THIS AND I DID THIS...." and i dont have a leg to stand on and it makes me look like a whinging cow. It is all on a scale - all the time. He does these grand gestures SO that he can use them later. Then he says
I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF A WEEK! I WORK ALL WEEK... etc.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:53:27

happy - I am heavily pregnant and don't really have the confidence at the moment to get out and about and have SPD and don't really have a support network right now. Makes it all the more important that I get support from him in the evening/ weekend - just to keep me sane.

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 09:54:40

What's the plan when you go into labour? Is he on standby with work to be able to leave at short notice? Is he planning to take paternity leave?

I'm pg with dc5, also suffering with SPD, I get it! I'm just trying to get a better idea of your set up.

When you say you don't have a support network, what do you mean?

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:00:29

meditrina - I really try hard to communicate with him. I sit down and turn the tv off and explain my concerns in a calm voice and not in any way blaming him - he just acts like a child who is being nagged by his mum to tidy his room. He says he doesnt understand my problem, he is sick of talking about it, he has a stressful job, he is just trying to unwind, he doesnt want to watch what I want (I don't give a SHIT what we watch and quite happily will turn it off!) etc. He has been like this for a while - sometimes 'makes an effort' - then forgets. But 'making an effort' is so obvious -
If I wasnt here I sometimes doubt he would care at all.

Loftus Fri 25-Jan-13 10:00:34

Hi, my first dh was like this right after we got married! I wanted to end it after 2 yrs although I was working full time, plenty to do etc., always gave him another chance to act like a mature partner. Then had ds and gave him another chance to be a good dad, seeing as he was playing games perhaps he could entertain a kid? So wrong! Only then I felt really trapped. Planned for divorce when ds was 3 and I back to full employment to avoid financial hassles. Have not looked back (he is still not fully engaged with ds, now 14). Best get yourself sorted, xx

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:02:37

yes it is all sorted with his work Numberlock - his colleagues are very supportive and excited about it.
happy2bhomely - I don't have anyone here as in new town.

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 10:06:21

he is constantly on the internet

I'd be checking very closely what he's doing on the internet, who is he talking to, what's the big addiction etc etc. And also listening very carefully to what Loftus has to say above.

Unfortunately you can't wave a magic wand to make him want to spend with you but you can change your reaction to it and plan a future without him.

How much paternity leave is he planning to take?

CaseyShraeger Fri 25-Jan-13 10:06:41

This isn't going to get any better once the baby arrives. It sounds harsh but in your position I would at least be thinking of your possible exit strategy.

FairPhyllis Fri 25-Jan-13 10:08:36

He's treating you like a flatmate, not a partner who's about to have his baby. Do you not even eat together?

Frankly I would plan my exit. Could you go to stay with your mum when the baby comes?

AlienReflux Fri 25-Jan-13 10:10:26

Oh dear, this sounds crap. i think you need to lay it on the line, that you won't be ignored, and if spending time with you is so very undesirable, why doesn't he fuck off out of it? seriously, he may as well not be there, you waiting for him to come in, only to be ignored is worse than not expecting anyone home, trust me.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:12:56

Numberlock - I see the sites and messages with forums and people and everything - they are 100% innocent, he has a hobby/obsession that is completely ok and innocent and I don't mind it at all (don't want to say on here in case identifiable)
He will probably have a week or two off. I am completely happy to do 90% of the baby care as he is the one working. But right now - it is just me and him and i need to feel loved.
I guess it just makes me feel more rubbish and being this pregnant is already very depressing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 10:13:07

"He says he doesnt understand my problem, he is sick of talking about it,"

What he doesn't seem to understand is the distinction between being single and being in a relationship.

How old is this guy?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 10:14:39

"He will probably have a week or two off."

And what's he going to do with this week or two off?... Sit playing computer games? Or actually pitch in and help for once? I know which one my money's on...

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:14:46

FairPhyllis - that is EXACTLY what I said to him - that we might as well be flat mates. No he doesnt eat with me - we eat separate things. no Mum lives in different town. Although she will prob spend A LOT of time here after baby arrives.
yes i agree Alien.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:16:54

Mid 30s Cogito. I have no idea what he will be like as a Father and when baby arrives - I don't know how to tell. He might be great though.... he does say he is excited about it and will do things to prepare for the baby in the house - he might be the best dad in the world for all i know.

bestsonever Fri 25-Jan-13 10:18:36

I have to say, as you don't mention it and I'm wondering how long this has been going on? Are you on mat leave or have you not been working even when not pregnant. Staying at home "watching tv all day", is no way to live either so there is some of your own responsibility to be had in that. There is something wrong in wanting to stay home an expect someone else to provide for all, that would get most peoples back up unless it's agreed that child-rearing is going to be the focus of the woman. Seems a bit old world really and I'm guessing you are much younger than I.
That said, he also sounds like an ignorant man who may be trying to get the same point across to you very badly. You need to discuss how you both see family life developing in the future and find out if he is happy with your plans to be a SAHM, sounds like he has issues with it.

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 10:20:57

he might be the best dad in the world for all i know

In my book, how the father treats his child's mother speaks volumes so no, I don't think he'll be winning any father of the year awards.

How long were you together before you got pregnant and was it planned?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 10:24:56

You can tell already. He will 'do things' all right but it'll be highly selective and limited. Not the grinding, 24/7 stuff like getting up in the night when the baby cries, giving you a break at weekends or sticking the washing machine on. Because he will still require his TWO DAYS OFF A WEEK and his evenings to himself and you will find that you, apparently, are at home all day doing nothing. You're already saying you'll do 90% of the child-care. Bet you think you should be doing 90% of the housework as well. That little list he's trotting out now of 'all the things I do for you'... expect it to get longer.

This is why you have to set the ground rules now. Tell him what you expect to happen now and when the baby arrives. Otherwise he'll carry on in his own sweet way and you'll be saddled with everything ... a lone parent in a two-person household.

Trifle Fri 25-Jan-13 10:27:05

What was he like before you got pregnant and you were working? Did he spend more time with you then.

How long have you been together.

How come you have no network of friends where you live.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:32:18

bestsonever - I am in my 30s. I have worked my entire life. Am highly educated and have a fantastic career - better than his. I am home now purely because I am having a baby in a couple of weeks and will stay at home to care for my baby. If I could work I would. I miss my job and life every day. I HATE being home with nothing to do. But I don't know what to do at this point other than go to midwife apps, watch tv, clean the house and await the arrival of my baby.
We had known each other for years (8) and been together then apart over the years due to age and traveling and different timings - but had not been together properly 100% very long before i got pregnant - it wasn't planned but he was very very pleased and excited and I gave him the choice - but he wanted the baby.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:37:33

Trifle - I was working and he was not working - opposite circumstances actually thinking about it. He was very supportive of me - would walk me to and from work, make me sandwiches and things! he was so sweet actually and was desperately trying to get a job. (He only didnt have one due to the climate). Yes he spent time with me and it was lovely. We found out I was pregnant and he spent every moment trying to secure a good permanent job and he has - and now it's like he feels he has done what he promised and deserves a medal and cant be asked to do anything again.
Been together properly for only 11 months - but known him for 8 years and been together many times through the years.
No network of friends because we moved to new town when we got together.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:39:17

Cogito - I agree, I need to really set these ground rules and give him a wake up call now and if he cant take it i will do it on my own.

BerylStreep Fri 25-Jan-13 10:46:06

It sounds crap. He has basically disengaged completely from you. If you weren't imminently expecting a baby I would be saying to LTB.

Did you work before? How long have you both been together?

I don't know if he will ever change (I suspect not, he sounds like a self entitled dick), but what I would suggest to you is that you sound very lonely. I get the SPD, I've had it and it is really painful, but I think you need to get out there as soon as you can after the baby is born, setting up your own support network, doing things with the baby, meeting new friends.

Hope all goes well with the baby.

DoodleNoo Fri 25-Jan-13 10:48:12

I feel so desperately sad for you a this should be THE MOST special time for the two of you as a couple. Obviously his behaviour is bad, bad, bad - I was going to say inexcusable, but am trying to see things from his side; perhaps he's feeling panicky about the impending arrival and what it's going to do to him as a person and as a man. Men do have wobbles too about becoming parents and perhaps he's feeling the need to retreat to his man-cave. Not good timing though, is it?

Remember, you may not have been to work today but you've spent all day, in fact the last 8 months, nurturing his growing baby. So no feelings of your own inadequacy please.

Before I had my own children, my mum shared her experience of my arrival with me - my dad, who had had a pretty dysfunctional childhood of his own and a non-relationship with his own father, was worried about money / providing for his family and was underwhelmed and grumpy when I arrived which obviously upset my mum a lot. She says he didn't really fall for me until about 18 months later when I started to talk - I rather get the impression that she spent the first few months of my life questioning her future with him. BUT, he dealt with his demons, and 40 years on they are still together, happier than ever and I honestly have no memory of all this, only of a wonderful childhood and the best and most loving & supportive daddy you could ever imagine. So please, please don't be planning your exit just yet - it sounds as if you have had a good and mutually respectful relationship in the past and this could just be a temporary wobble and he might well come out the other side.

One other thing that my mum told me was that when she arrived home from the hospital with me, her mum was literally waiting on the doorstep for us, and my dad said "oh, you won't be needing me then" and went straight off to work that day - of course she was devastated. So although you might end up needing your mum, don't give him a reason to feel pushed out before he's had a chance to get to know your baby. Men are sometimes embarrassed about looking stupid, not knowing how to change nappies etc in front of their mothers-in-law, so perhaps a few days learning together before she arrives might work better (because of her experience, my mum was very hands-off when I had my babies, not wanting to intrude on us building our new family together).

Before any of the other posters start attacking me for making excuses for him, I'm not - I am just relaying my own family's experience. It just it seems a tragedy to break this family before before it's even had a chance to get started.

I wish you good luck, stay strong xx

BerylStreep Fri 25-Jan-13 10:49:03

Sorry, X post.

DoodleNoo Fri 25-Jan-13 10:50:49

Just read what a short time you've been together and no wonder he's behaving erratically. It's a huge change for you both in the space of a year. Give him a chance: he may not take it, but at least you'll not always be wondering....

Trifle Fri 25-Jan-13 10:53:45

If you're lonely now you'll be more lonely afterwards.

I can see how you have been misled by him once being all over you and now is the opposite, not something you could have foreseen.

Why dont you eat together? Why do you eat separate things. Do you cook only for yourselves?

AnyFucker Fri 25-Jan-13 10:53:52

He is training you now to not expect any help with that women's work

Do you plan to go back to work at all...I wouldn't advise you to give up your career and earning potential for a man like this

You don't seem to know him very well at all

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 11:00:30

would walk me to and from work, make me sandwiches and things

Certain aspects of that sound quite controlling.

You say you've moved away from family/friends. Why and when was that?

I know you're not working at the moment but is it maternity leave or have you left full-time employment?

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 11:05:10

Doodle - thanks so much. Does feel a bit better to hear dont leave than just leave - which is terrifying. Your dad sounds identical to my dad.
I know deep down he is a good man (my partner). He does do things for me that really when i tell other people they say my goodness how lovely or how kind. BUT his constant use of 'I work all day' and not spending any time with me is driving me mad. I feel completely alone and unconnected from him.
I think Cogito is right in that he is behaving like a single man at the moment and like i am not here at all. Maybe I wouldnt notice so much if i was working and busy - but when you spend all day alone you look forward to him coming home so much - and then you get nothing and go to bed - it's soul destroying.

Kiwiinkits Fri 25-Jan-13 11:07:02

Lovely post DoodleNoo

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 11:11:50

Trifle - I ask him what he would like for dinner but says he will decide once home then ends up doing his own. I have had lots of issues with what i can and cant eat due to sickness in pregnancy and so we just end up wanting different dinners.
Anyfucker - no I will never give up my career - but I can't work with a new baby.
Numberlock - It was helpful rather than controlling. I had terrible morning sickness so he would make me things to help - and I thought he felt bad that i was working and he wasnt so was trying to do his bit. Long story abt why we moved - a new start and for work in a nutshell. I was a contract worker - finished a contract so will receive Maternity Allowance as always work for different companies so don't qual for maternity leave.

DoodleNoo Fri 25-Jan-13 11:18:44

I'm amazed how many people are brazenly telling you that he's a shit and you should leave. Would they, if they were actually in your position? Maybe you should, and maybe you will in the end - but you need to give him a few of months at least in my opinion. It might be a really tough and miserable time for you, but it might not - and in any case, you'll get through it....

(I sometimes post stuff on here looking for support and end up feeling that I have had myself emotionally strip-searched by other posters trying to be helpful! I now try to have a no personal posts rule - and when responding to others I think of Thumper's mum in the film Bambi: if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all )

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 11:20:20

Well your current strategy isn't working so, given that you're not ready to leave at the current time, I'd try a different track and totally disengage from him. Stop asking him what's wrong, what he wants for dinner, will he spend some time with you. Ignore him and do your own thing. Invite a friend round for the evening, go and visit your mum, go to the cinema.

He will either wonder what's going on or not notice any difference...

This isn't going to get any better. This is a man who's excited by the idea of a baby (Look, everyone! My dick works! Look at me, I'm the MAN!') but in his head, all the domestic work is women's work.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 11:38:55

Thanks DoodleNoo - I got what I wanted - I got it out on here and vented. I am going to write him a letter about it as already this morning he has sent me a message apologising for how he has been - ironically. I have always been of the mind set that if you are not happy LEAVE - and I have always done this. But now we have a baby on the way and I understand myself well enough that I can make bad situations much much worse and react too quickly.

Numberlock - I sort of get what you are saying in that i am probably being far too needy and it would do me good. It just hurts to ignore him when I love him so much and am so excited to see him at the end of the day (pathetic as it sounds). ps. I literally don't have a friend here yet i could invite round and mum miles away. I do wonder how he would react if i just went out - but where would I go...

Helltotheno Fri 25-Jan-13 11:42:50

OP you also need to start building a life for yourself. Nobody's partner should be everything to them, it's too much of a reponsibility for them and not good for you. I know you're pregnant but you come across a bit helpless and hopeless to be honest. What have you done about getting out into the community and seeing what's out there for you?

Did you just leave your job fully when you got pregnant? Why didn't you stay in the job and just go on maternity leave?

I'm not saying there's no fault on your DP's side, it's just I feel a lot of neediness, passivity and dependence from you in your posts.

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 11:45:17

You absolutely must build yourself a social network of your own. One thing might be to see if there are meets of Mumsnetters near you (or other parenting websites). Book groups, bitch n stitch, anything like that. You may be feeling pretty ropey but you need company too. You must break your isolation.

If he's a normal guy, it's suffocating to be the sole source of interaction to your partner. If he's abusive, this is how he wants you. Either way it's hugely unhealthy.

I also think you should plan on returning to work as soon as is viable, as obviously this man will be rubbish to you as a sahm.

This is not right and not fair on you.

My DH works and I am SAHM. Yes he works full time and is tired (he works outside in a very physical job), but when he gets in he plays with the kids, helps me bath them and put them to bed. Then we eat together, watch something together, have conversations, bath together etc. He likes computer games, but since we swapped roles (he was SAHD for dd1) he has reduced his gaming time so that we spend more time together.

What does he think it is going to be like when the baby arrives? Does he intend to carry on as he is now? Does he think that now he has got you pregnant that is it, he doesn't have to bother anymore as you won't leave him if he doesn't put into your relationship?

Numberlock, making sandwiches and walking to work aren't necessarily controlling, it could be caring. My DH used to make my sandwiches when I was working before and after we had kids and would often walk me to the bus stop in the morning or meet me off the bus, it was nice to have that little extra time together.

The point is op if that is how he used to be then why the sudden change? If need be get angry, cry, get him to take notice. Calmly discussing doesn't seem to be working.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Fri 25-Jan-13 11:56:59

At a minimum I would use the time pre baby to research groups you can go to post birth - stuff at your local children's centre, breastfeeding groups etc. I knew no one with a baby locally when I had mine due to moving areas so had to make a concerted effort to get out and meet others. By the end of my ML I had made some good close friends without whom I would have been very lonely at home with a baby.

CorruptWalnut Fri 25-Jan-13 12:09:52

I'm just going to play a bit of devil's advocate here, not to offend or to "blame" anyone, just to try and put another perspective out there.

If I read it right in your OP, you've known each other a long time but haven't actually been in a full committed relationship for long. The pregnancy wasn't planned but wasn't then unwanted by either of you. You were in a successful career and he was unemployed. He worked really hard to secure employment to help support the baby.

The whole thing of relationship, pregnancy, employment and role reversal of you at home and him at work has been 9 months. It looks pretty overwhelming on paper (for everyone involved) and maybe he just isn't coping well with all the responsibility he feels he's got. His coping mechanism could be to withdraw.

He could also be really scared about the impending birth. Fear of the unknown and fear of fatherhood.

Yes he could just be being a bit of an arse, but I wanted to try and look at the whole situation from something closer to his (possible) perspective.

DoodleNoo Fri 25-Jan-13 12:13:58

If you're of a mind to make new friends, you have possibly the best opportunity to do so since you started high school / university - right now, or at least as soon as you can get out again. Research the local NCT, bumps & babes groups, baby massage, new mums groups etc etc and soon you'll know hosts of people in your new town, all with a common point of interest. You just have to be prepared to get yourself out there and be a bit pushy about inviting people out / over (that will of course give your partner something else to resent, that you're sitting around drinking coffee all day while he's at work wink ) That will give you the support network you need.

Your partner is probably a bit depressed - he may hate his job, feel overworked with no way out - and like you, wondering how all this happened in such a short space of time. Getting cross with his inadequacies will not help, It'll just make him feel worse. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would talks to counselling though! He may need to work through this on his own.

You are an intelligent lady and can clearly see that big decisions made now, under a haze of hormones are not going to be your best ones!

Hang in there.... And keep your fingers crossed xx

tomatoplantproject Fri 25-Jan-13 12:41:33

You poor love. SPD is horrid but it will go as soon as your baby is out and your h is being an idiot.

It's going to get tough when the baby comes and you're going to need his support - dh is my number 1 cheerleader and helps out when he's at home and it's still hard looking after a littlie (dd is 11 weeks). You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him it's not just the grand gestures but the time and support in the evenings you need too. You should prepare him that having a newborn is hard and that he will have to pull his weight ti get you all through the first few weeks. You should also be prepared that looking after a newbie means you may not have the opportunity to see your h in the evenings. Dh and I are thick as thieves but have only just started to get our time back with each other - and we work hard to create that time.

It sounds like you need to start making some local friends for company during the day. Have you looked into your local Nct and other things you might do? Having a new baby seems to have opened up a whole new world of new people in the same situation, I'm saying this because we're in a new area and was nervous not knowing anyone. I have managed to set up one thing each day (eg baby massage, Nct, baby cinema, coffee with one of the baby massage girls, walk with Nct people) and it really helps. Could you do the same??

Good luck - you're about to enter into a really magical time!!

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 12:59:16

Thanks everyone.
For those saying I sound hopeless and helpless - I don't think I am. And I certainly have never been in the past. But pregnancy and hormones and moving away etc. can make anyone pretty low. i am not putting pressure on him to be 'everything' in my life - all I want from him is longer than 5 minutes in the evening and perhaps a lunch at the weekend or something.

I have researched groups and made on line friends but not been able to / at this stage / to make that step to get out and meet people because of the way I am feeling - very different to how i once was/ hormonal/ insecure.

I know that I need to make big changes with my life in regards friends - but I am days away from giving birth and I will do this when i actually have a baby.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 13:06:42

I don't think you're hopeless or helpless. This is the time... and I remember how 'beached whale' I felt two weeks before DS arrived.... when you particularly need a partner to be exuding love, confidence and reassurance. Fussing about and making you comfortable... not demanding me-time and chatting to online gamers <eye-roll>

But I also think you are on a hiding to nothing if you expect him to suddenly flip a switch when the wunderkind arrives and behave any differently. That's why I think you have to make a big noise now, pull a few dirty tricks and get him a little worried... stop taking you for granted.

BuiltForComfort Fri 25-Jan-13 14:59:54

Maybe a slightly childish idea but - can you change the password for your Internet connection? Not to be an arse but because if he can't connect to the Internet he can't get immersed in games etc straight off. it may break the cycle and enable you to get into his space for half an hour. You can always be up front and say you've changed it because you need to talk to him properly and you can't get through to him otherwise (it does sound as though he may be becoming addicted to online stuff). You could even change the name of the Internet connection to "DP I need you to keep me company please" or some other message (though the neighbours will see it too!). Or you could just not tell him ...

Re dinner, can you not eat together even if not same food? Or sit and have a drink and snack with him while he eats?

BerylStreep Fri 25-Jan-13 15:35:33

OP, I was thinking about you earlier. The thing is, lots of people work ft and are capable of sustaining meaningful relationships and making their loved ones feel just that, loved.

If he thinks it's hard work working ft, then having to speak to you for 5 mins, he has one hell of a shock coming once the baby arrives.

I don't like the idea that he is setting the scene for how it will be - 'I work all day, so therefore you do 100% 24/7 childcare & housework.' I'd be setting some ground rules pronto about weekend night feeds, weekend lie ins, and naps for you as soon as he gets home from work.

I have SPD too and I'm 30 weeks pregnant so I empathise with the waiting around feeling and not being able to get out much,
Thing is my hubby knows this and realises I need him more than ever , something has caused your OH to disengage from you whether it be stress, or worrying about the new baby etc.
You need to talk properly and tell him you are slightly hurt he doesn't enjoy time with you,
Does he financially abuse you? Only asking as perhaps he has developed a shitty attitude towards you as a result of him considering himself the " breadwinner" and feels resentful perhaps?

ShephardsDelight Fri 25-Jan-13 16:46:32

I second what other posters have said, if you are such a chore can you imagine his opinions of a baby?

I would leave him the next time he says that, he won't be much of a father if that's his attitude.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

Helltotheno Fri 25-Jan-13 16:56:57

OP when I said hopeless, I didn't mean you were a hopeless person, just that you came across as feeling a bit hopeless about things, which maybe you do right now. I think some things will definitely change for the better when the baby arrives.

It's hard to comment about your DH. The only thing I would say is now that you have time, try and work out how you want your lives to be and what your reasonable expectations of him are. If you get the sense he's not on board with you and the baby, that's something you don't have to put up with. I'm not in favour of people staying with the same person for years trying to change them, I just don't think it works. This baby is his responsibility too so he should be stepping up all by himself really shouldn't he..

FairPhyllis Fri 25-Jan-13 18:34:48

This man doesn't seem to understand how to have a relationship with another person, and quite possibly doesn't really like women or respect them at all - he seems to see you as a nagging mother - that thing about having a 'mental pot' sounds like something a teenager would do.

Don't bother writing him a letter - ask him to move out. I know you will say that you don't want to be coping alone with the baby, but you're basically alone now as it is. And then at least he wouldn't be around and ignoring you and making you unhappy.

If he really does want the relationship to work and to be a good parent, asking him to move out will focus his mind about your needs and wellbeing. And if he doesn't you are better off knowing that now.

DoubleYew Fri 25-Jan-13 18:54:47

OP, this sounds exactly like my husband, the jobs thing, moving, internet, walking me to work, sep food etc - it's all very very familiar. We are now getting divorced as he became abusive.

You are cooking a fully grown baby inside you - that is pretty important work, no? I felt so ashamed that my husband didn't want to spend time with me and would claim I was nagging him by trying to chat or do things together. He was also so excited about a baby, you know until it just turned out to be a lot of hard work.

Please tonight find out about your local breastfeeding support group, they are used to (and usually encourage) very pregnant women to come along and start meeting people. You need to build a support network for yourself as things may be tough in the future. SOrry if that sounds very doom and gloom but if it does get bad, splitting will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

justaboutchilledout Fri 25-Jan-13 19:30:13

Just wanted to flag up that the internet stuff doesn't sound innocent. I don't mean he is having an affair, but that this sort of stuff IS addictive. Is he addicted?

AlienReflux Mon 28-Jan-13 05:40:54

hope you're ok OP

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