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So he slept with someone else..

(76 Posts)
winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:22:24

About 18 months ago. Whilst we were happy. She was my friend. Not a great friend but we hung out.

He said it only happened once. He even invited her to our BBQ the following week.

But apparently I drove him to it. By flirting with other people and causing his depression. By flirting, im Assuming he means talking to other men at work. I've made him depressed, so he says.

He's in the spare room, 3 beautiful innocent children upstairs and I've no idea what to do.

Thanks for reading

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 23:23:43

When did you discover his infidelity?

Are you married to him?

Numberlock Thu 24-Jan-13 23:25:51

Let me guess - you found a text on his phone and confronted him and he's playing it down with the just once thing and anyway it's all your fault.

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:27:31

Yep married for 8 yrs. I knew they'd spent the night together. But he swore nothing happened. I was a fucking fool to believe it.
Tonight we were arguing about something else and I brought it up. I pretended I knew and said ,'I know what happened with her so you may as well tell me' or something along those lines. And so he did.

MariusEarlobe Thu 24-Jan-13 23:27:41

It is NOT your fault, do not let him pass buck for his own shit behaviour.

prettypolly1 Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:10

Can you provide a bit more background OP - so sorry for you sad

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:25

All texts have been deleted and he's changed his Facebook and email passwords tonight.

prettypolly1 Thu 24-Jan-13 23:29:16

Sorry, you have now - X-posted.

He cheated and he has the cheek to tell you it's your fault?!

Don't you dare believe him.

RarelyAGobshite Thu 24-Jan-13 23:29:20

Hope you've taken his phone off him an spoken to your ex friend to try and get the truth.

And whatever happens, please believe this-you did not drive him to it.

No one MADE him have sex with someone else

MariusEarlobe Thu 24-Jan-13 23:30:59

All texts have been deleted and he's changed his Facebook and email passwords tonight.

Why would he change passwords tonight if he had nothing ELSE to hide.

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:32:10

It was a friends weekend away. I said for him to go as he never gets out much and that I would stay home with the children. They were more my friends than his. Cue lots of alcohol and they apparently got stuck in the same hotel room together. I can't believe I actually believed that nothing happened. She's now moved away and husband and I have been relatively happy. Untill I got a new job and went from being a sahm to working part time. But the job is very demanding and make orientated. He's accused me of flirting with them all but I'm just trying to get on with everyone.

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:33:31

Meant male orientated.

I assume he's messaged her to get their stories straight and then changed passwords.

RarelyAGobshite Thu 24-Jan-13 23:34:22

If he won't log in for you to prove there's nothing else I'd be trying to hack in myself just so I could get answers. (Have done this in the past unfortunately)

He's limiting the damage by not letting you see his e mails and fb.

Numberlock Thu 24-Jan-13 23:35:53

So no remorse from him whatsoever.

Definitely time to ask him to move out while you decide what to do next.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 24-Jan-13 23:38:01

Yes, he's probably recently messaged her otherwise there'd be no need to change his passwords!

He needs to be completely honest with you and I would suspect there's more to this story, they usually minimise initially.

RarelyAGobshite Thu 24-Jan-13 23:47:42

Not seen you for a while LooksGood- hope things are going well now for you

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 00:07:39

He's accused me of flirting with them all

Attempting to disguise his infidelity by playing the part of the jealous h and accusing you than accuse you of lusting after om is a classic deflection tactic.

Prepare yourself for more revelations of an adulterous nature, honey, as it's probable the night in the hotel is not the one and only time he's had his leg over with ow.

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 00:09:29

To make sense out of nonsense smile the first sentence above should read:

'Attempting to disguise his infidelity by playing the part of a jealous h and accusing you of lusting after om is a classic deflection tactic.'

bestsonever Fri 25-Jan-13 00:25:39

More likely,given changing of passwords, he has been up to other things since then and that on some level he knows this is wrong and that is fueling his depression, not you.

Skyebluesapphire Fri 25-Jan-13 00:31:37

Sounds like he has something to hide if he is changing passwords and deleting stuff. Sorry, but there is a lot more to this.

Don't take any blame for his infidelity, it's common for the cheater to blame the wife for making him do it!

winterland Fri 25-Jan-13 04:26:39

Thanks all. I know it doesn't look good. Pretty text book behaviour I'd reckon.

I think he's been accusing me of flirting because he felt guilty. Almost wanting me to be as bad as him. He hasn't even really said sorry, more just minimising it and blaming other factors. Ie I drove him to it.

It wasn't even in a period when he was depressed, that's come on fairly recently.

What do I do though? Let him stay because of the children or completely rock their world by asking him to move out? We have a substantial mortgage, my wages are crappy, he earns everything..

Sorry you are going through this. Please don't stay together for the children, everyone will end up miserable including the children.

Eastpoint Fri 25-Jan-13 06:46:02

It's all very well letting him stay because of the children but what about you. He didn't think of the children when he was unfaithful to his family. He has not treated you with respect by lying etc to you. He is not treating you with respect when he accuses you of driving him into another woman's arms. Do you want to spend the next 45 years with this behavior?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Fri 25-Jan-13 06:51:29

Don't take the blame for him being a hore!
Theres a lot more to this than he is telling you, as it seems odd he has gone to the trouble of wiping all his texts, emails etc.

I would be packing his bags and leaving them outside for the time being!

He isn't sorry and he is showing no signs of remorse, ltb as this isn't going to end well and it won't be fair on the children to stay in this messed up relationship.

Only you know if you can or want to forgive him & stay together, but his attitude is not really helping.

He's blaming you because he feels sick with guilt, but he'd be better of expressing his guilt & remorse honestly than going on the offensive.

I think you need to know more before you do anything - I personally could move on from a one off if he was really on board with rebuilding, but the password thing doesn't look good & implies that much more was going on, in which case your H had better start looking for a flat...

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 07:12:53

Your best chance of saving the marriage is to ask him to leave to give you space to process your thoughts and emotions. He can go and stay with a relative or friend.

He will be expected to support you and DC financially.

This will provide a cold hard shock to his system and make him realise what he stands to lose - loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters.

Cheaters choose to cheat because of their own issues and character failings - instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc, he made the very selfish choice to fuck another woman.

I agree that this is much more than a one night stand sad

RarelyAGobshite Fri 25-Jan-13 07:13:55

To move on from this op you need some time, space and you need him to be honest and tell you everything. You need to be able to look at everything and leave no stone unturned.

You need to tell him you're not prepared to brush it under the carpet and you're not accepting his excuse of you driving him to it.

Tell him to man up and be honest with you. How are you expected to make a decision about the future if you don't know everything?

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 07:15:49

You don't need to make any long term decisions about your future right now but I would still ask him to move out on a temporary basis while you consider your options and he faces up to what he's done and what he stands to lose. You can still meet him outside the house to discuss things and he can still see the children during this period of separation. How old are they?

ImperialBlether Fri 25-Jan-13 07:40:59

If this had been a one night stand and he'd felt remorse, he wouldn't have invited her to your BBQ. No way. He would've blamed her in his mind and kept away from her. The fact he invited her indicates to me that he carried on with her for a while.

Oh and you believed him not because you were a fool, but because you trusted him. Nothing wrong with that, though you'd be mad to trust him any more.

Branleuse Fri 25-Jan-13 07:51:13

if he feels no remorse, blames you, lies and now won't let you see his Facebook or anything then its not worth hacking in. the other stuff is as bad as the cheating . what's the point. he doesn't seem to get it or care about you.

Lovingfreedom Fri 25-Jan-13 08:23:36

He got ' stuck in a hotel room with her'???????

Xales Fri 25-Jan-13 08:51:57

If this happened once acidentally well over a year ago why is he deleting stuff and changing passwords now?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 09:29:51

Exactly Xales hmm

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Fri 25-Jan-13 09:30:37

I agree xalessad

CaseyShraeger Fri 25-Jan-13 09:46:24

Yes. There is more to this than he's admitting.

bestsonever Fri 25-Jan-13 10:29:19

Maybe he's depressed because the OW moved away, and was happier whilst he was seeing her? Sorry, does not look good at all. Expect more for yourself and your children and move on. He was not being a good dad whilst doing this, you will all be happier in the future without him.

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 12:19:39

He's blaming you because he feels sick with guilt

Contrary to NaanBread's opinion, your h doesn't feel guilty in the least.

Inviting the woman he had so recently committed adultery with to your barbecue was a colossal conceit on his part, from which it is clear he felt no guilt whatsoever.

If he felt guilty after his alleged one night stand with her, a woman you called your friend, he would have come cap in hand, filled with remorse, throwing himself on your mercy.

What he feels is smug that he got away with it and the fact he got away with it has encouraged him to continue getting his leg over away with it.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 12:09:13

You need to tell him to let you see his email account and fb. If he stalls at all ask him how that is going to make you believe what he says. Blaming you is not a good sign at all. This is his responsibility and nobody elses.

Ask him to move out while you think about things. That will make him realise you are taking this seriously. If you do nothing he will think he can do it again with no consequences.

Do you have anyone in rl you can talk to this about?

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 12:22:56

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. We've had a hideous few days. He goes from being completely remorseful, to saying it wasn't that bad, to saying me flirting is the same.

Today he said if I don't forgive him we need to sell the house and move out. He's not seeing that the people he would hurt most by this is the children. They are happy and settled.

But it has made me realise I pretty much don't think I can get passed this. Im not sure i even wang to now. Not for someone who would say that sort of thing.

Winter - the man is an arsehole. Get shot of him.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 12:39:18

What he ^^ said.

How dare he threaten you ? Who the fuck does he think he is ? Take him at his word, say no you cannot forgive for the way he is acting now never mind what he has done and make steps to separate.

CremeEggThief Sun 27-Jan-13 12:41:51

Tell him it's over and get him out, but don't leave yourself, as this might affect who gets the house. Then please seek legal advice ASAP; you don't need to tell him about this.

The ones who don't even seem to feel guilt and shame are the worst; my STBXH has never once had the decency to apologise for blowing mine and DS's world apart.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 12:44:36

Is he saying about selling the house etc. as a reason you should just get over it, or just in a matter of fact he doesn't care kind of way?

I'm not really in the ltb brigade, I have 3dc also and wouldn't tear their world apart if I could try and fix it. But his only stance at this stage should be utter remorse and trying everything he can to fix things. If he won't do that then it doesn't look good.

I hope you have people around to help you.

FiercePanda Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:13

What Xales said above. If it was all over ages ago, why's he changing his passwords and deleting his texts now? Sounds like something's been going on since he slept with her. Jesus, he slept with your friend, he's not worth clinging on to. Call his bluff, pack his bag and tell him to sod off. He's taking the piss out of you.

Tortington Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:27

now hes trying to bully you?

tell him to do one the cunt

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 13:23:58

I do feel bullied. It's like talking to a brick wall. I need proper advice I think. A solicitor? He s not sorry and I don't understand how we can move on if he doesn't accept what he did was wrong. He says he loves me but I'm not in that place right now.

Xales Sun 27-Jan-13 13:24:23

Agree with custard.

He is now threatening you.

Get over it or I will have a tantrum, force a house sell, disrupt the kids lives and it will be 'all your fault' for not accepting my shit like a whipped dog.

No remorse or caring for you or the children just him.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 13:34:37

Contact a solicitor tomorrow so you know where you stand. But for now get him to leave to give you some headspace. You won't be able to think clearly with him still there.

meditrina Sun 27-Jan-13 13:48:31

I'm definitely not in the LTB brigade. All sorts of problems can be recovered from.

But only if both partners want to reconcile, and the errant partner has to own up fully to what they have done and do the greater share of the healing.

And that never includes tantrums, veiled threats or a timetable to cheap "forgiveness". Indeed there is no timetable for reconciliation; the betrayed party needs time to heal and that takes as long as it takes. Someone with genuine remorse, and who is also working on their own character flaws, will realise (or quickly come to realise) this.

Your DH sounds miles away from someone who is even remotely ready to put in the attention and effort to truly commit to a reconciliation.

You may want to think about a separation, to give yo the time and space to work out what you want in your life in future and whether he has any part in this at all.

One final stray thought: are yo sure the OW you know about is e only one? Could the depression actually have been deliberate (permission-giving) withdrawal at the start of a new infatuation?

Chuck him out, fgs now he is threatening you for HIS behaviour shock!!!
It's your house too, you don't have to sell just because he is stamping his feet.
Go to see a solicitor, I'm not completely sure but I think you can stay in the home you both own until your youngest dc reach 18 as long as they are in fulltime education and then once they reach 18 it can be sold and proceeds split.

FiercePanda Sun 27-Jan-13 14:26:44

If he felt any guilt or remorse (and I mean truly felt it, not the pantomime cycle of wretched sobbing to cold "what of it?" detachment which he seems to be dishing out) he'd be asking you "I'm so sorry, what do you need me to do, do you want me to leave?" rather than telling you to "get over it".

He made love to/had sex with/fucked/slept with another woman. A friend/acquaintance of yours. How the hell are you supposed to "get over" that?!

Again, why did he change passwords and delete texts now, if nothing's been going on since he had sex with her? What has he got to hide?

I'm not normally someone who cries LTB, but in this case he's playing you for a fool, almost certainly continuing an affair with the woman or a.n. other, and is telling you to get over it. Please find some self-respect, chuck him a bin-bag for his clothes and TELL HIM to leave.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 14:34:01

You mentioned the other woman moved away. Was it recently? Also Has she moved far enough away that it will have stopped a physical relationship at least.

Dozer Sun 27-Jan-13 15:31:40

What a shithead, little hope of a happy future if you stay with him. How DARE he accuse YOU of "flirting" just because you work with men!

yes, get legal advice, gather financial and other documents - Olgaga posts good list of links on this kind of thing.

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 21:27:18

She moved to New Zealand about 12 months ago. I've no idea why he's changing things now. Before he changed it he'd written to his brother, talking about me being a nasty piece of work. A flirt. And that he didn't have full sex with her. It's like he's minimising what he did and maximising my flirting.
And then he emailed an old (girl) friend, who he's incidentally visiting next week for a week in the USA, saying that if it wasn't for the kids he'd be gone.

The only reason he's still here is because of my job. I'm on call all the time and he has to look after the children. Arranging something else will take time.

But my mum and friends are saying don't through everything away over one mistake. Making me feel guilty for ruining the children's lives. Should I forgive? I'm not sure if I will get passed it and quite frankly do I want to. His behaviour and attitude have completely shocked me.

Any links of where to go next would be much appreciated..

We moved here together about 5 yrs ago, this was his home town and he has plenty of friends here to offload with. I have a few mum friends but no one as close as him. It feels so lonely. Plus I don't know what he's telling people- making me out to be some slut.
Hideous hideous times...

Xales Sun 27-Jan-13 21:35:41

And then he emailed an old (girl) friend, who he's incidentally visiting next week for a week in the USA hmm

One guess if he is going to be faithful there...

If you stay with him and continue sleeping with him, do so in the full knowledge that he will shag other women when he wants without a care for you. And get regular STI checks.

You are not ruining the childrens lives, you are showing them what a woman should not accept being treated as by any other person.

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 21:42:54

He's in the spare room. Not a chance he's coming anywhere near me. I shall ask him to get an sti check but I should imagine ill be told to fuck off.

The girl in USA is now married but I guess she has friends!

I don't feel I can move on from this right now. He's not sorry.

FiercePanda Sun 27-Jan-13 21:45:28

PLease don't let him get away with this. He's counting on you to be too scared to rock the boat or "break up the faaaahmily", so he can continue badmouthing you behind your back and shagging other women.

You have done nothing wrong. He's definitely maximising your "flirting" to make excuses for his adultery. He checked out of your marriage a long time ago, I think it's about time you did the same for the sake of your sanity, sense of self-worth and to be an example to your DCs that putting up with cheating and being treated like crap isn't healthy.

Whocansay Sun 27-Jan-13 21:56:15

He fucks someone else, and its all your fault? Really?!!! From his behaviour, I cannot see how you can save your marriage and retain any self respect. He is expecting to walk over you and continue shagging about.

A good father does not treat the mother of his children this way. And he's not exactly being a fantastic role model. I cannot see any reason why you would stay in this situation. Make him leave.

You are not ruining the children's lives. He is.

What an absolute bastard. He is disgusting.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

CaseyShraeger Sun 27-Jan-13 23:14:17

It's not one mistake. I guarantee that either there's been someone else other than the woman you know about or, at the very least, he has someone in his sights and is emotionally detaching from the relationship to justify that to himself.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 00:31:33

This man is a complete dick

Never sleep with him again and tell him to get to fuck

You are not this desperate, are you ? confused

Employ an au pair for the childcare. You do not need him

LemonBreeland Mon 28-Jan-13 08:05:07

What FiercePanda said.

And the others who said show your dc how it is not okay to be treated like shit.

tackies Mon 28-Jan-13 09:41:52

oh you poor thing you sound desperately unhappy, please put yourself first, I know your thinking of kids etc, but a happy you = a happy mammy. He sounds like a horrible shit bag, if i were you id put corn starch on his balls while he was asleep then fuck all his clothes out the window and tell him to piss off to usa , lively!!!

norkmonster Mon 28-Jan-13 12:46:57

From what you've said, though, it's not the "one mistake" that's actually the problem. It's his ongoing behaviour and complete lack of respect for you and your relationship.

OneMoreChap Mon 28-Jan-13 12:55:05

If it was - as he said - a one-off, why would he delete and change passwords?

Sorry, he's at it.

delilahlilah Mon 28-Jan-13 13:23:32

He is bullying you in order to have his cake and eat it. Speak to your boss, explain that you are going to have short term childcare issues, and ask what they can do to help ie have set times on call or something. Then I would sit him down and tell him that he is leaving, and that he can choose to have regular contact with his children or he can cut his nose off to spite his face - make it clear that you are not bothered wither way.He is looking for a reaction, and will hate not getting one.

He doesn't need to stay to have the children when you work, he is throwing his weight around. Having experienced a shithead who tried every tactic to control me, and having witnessed similar between my parents I would rather change / risk my job for the sake of my children than let them live with his behaviour and it's effect on you.

ExP is a nightmare 11 years after I left, but leaving was the best thing for me and for DS. He was another one who liked to tell people it was all my fault etc, but the people who matter aren't going to believe him.

Get legal advice OP. See if the option is there for you to return to your home town if it helps you. Do what you need to do, and it will all turn out for the best for you in the end.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 28-Jan-13 14:15:00

Cheating is bad enough but continuing to treat you like shit is not on.

Sort out your child care issues and kick him out.

He is the one who is ruining the family, he is the one who is throwing away everything for some cheap shags.

sassy34264 Mon 28-Jan-13 14:23:48

Facts.

He has had sexual relations with someone else. others
He blames you for making him confused
He threatens you with turning the kids lives upside down, if you don't 'get over it'
He changes passwords the day you get the truth

I'd be running to the solicitors at 8am tomorrow morning if that was my dp.

But the thing that would really make me go for the jugular (ie, get a rottweiler lawyer and really pull the rug out from under his feet), wouldn't be any of the above, it would be the email to the brother, saying i was a nasty piece of work and if it weren't for the children, he would be off! shock shock shock]

OMFG.

I read relationship threads a lot, yet i'm still occasionally aghast at the ego, self entitlement, self importance of some men -and i think your DH has it in abundance.

The words 'don't let me fucking stop you' would be screaming from my mouth, as i simultaneously lobbed the nearest thing to hand........at his head.

Get to the solicitors asap.

Ruprekt Mon 28-Jan-13 16:01:51

You do not have to live like this.

Get rid of him and be happy with your children.

winterland Mon 28-Jan-13 17:50:57

God, you guys are great. I feel alot stronger just reading all your wise words. I know I've got to do it but I weaken when he says he's sad. He says he can't eat. God I'm a fool

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 17:54:56

Let him waste away, the conniving odious little weasel.

Tell him to STFU with the emotional blackmail. What about when you were sad ? He didn't give a shit about that, did he ?

sassy34264 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:04:31

HE says, HE's sad????????

It gets worse.

He has no remorse, no sympathy, and no empathy for you what so ever.

Get strong off all these posts........you will be so much better off when you see him as we see him.

FiercePanda Mon 28-Jan-13 19:23:13

Was he sad when he was bollock-deep inside your friend?

Was he fuck. Get your anger going, and kick this devious little shit out once and for all. You and your kids deserve better.

Let him waste away, its the least he deservesgrin
Serioisly get rid of him, pack his crap and be done with him.

Ruprekt Mon 28-Jan-13 20:14:31

And you know that if this was a friend of yours......you would say the same thing to her!

do not let your children think that this is the way men should treat women.

Yes, it will be hard. But he will do it again and again Because he can and you let him and you forgive him.

Kick him out. And hold your head high.

Junebugjr Mon 28-Jan-13 20:28:00

Cheating aside, his behaviour sounds abusive and controlling. Usin the children over you, already preempting telling everyone about your behaviour and belittling you. Read up about abusive men and the ways they use to control you, try googling 'the dominator', used to run the freedom programme. I would focus on this, as well as the whole shagging your friends business.
You know what you need to do OP, his behaviour is shocking.
Gather your financial documents and book solicitors appointment before he does.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 20:41:07

IMO, cheating is a form of abuse. Especially when it's your friend. It certainly is very effective at bringing you to your knees, and cutting out a massive area of support in one fell swoop...

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