Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Red flag or grossly insensitive or what!!!

(215 Posts)
Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 16:34:33

Just spent the night with new man, first night, this morning he said you know you are pretty now but you would be amazing if you lost some weight?

I was dumbstruck, he then said so you gonna lose some weight then

I'm a 14

Very upset I will be honest

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 16:36:23


You won't proceed will you?

nickelbabe Thu 24-Jan-13 16:37:09


don't go out with him again

PeppermintPasty Thu 24-Jan-13 16:37:26

Dump the charmless fucker from a great height.

Whatshappenedtous Thu 24-Jan-13 16:37:28

Omgangryangryangry ditch him how rude???
You wouldn't say "your a great kisser but would be great if you could extend your knob a few itches" grin

springlamb Thu 24-Jan-13 16:38:31

I suggest you swiftly lose 12 stone of Him.
What an arsehole.

He needs to be binned as of now.

deleted203 Thu 24-Jan-13 16:38:51

I'd have replied, 'I could do. Is there anything you could do about your small cock?'

LengLogs Thu 24-Jan-13 16:39:26

What a cock!

You should have replied with 'maybe you would have had a second shag if you'd kept your mouth shut,

Then left....

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 16:39:34

Aghh just made me feel lousy, I know there is straight talking, but christ I was taken aback and felt like a heifer

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 24-Jan-13 16:40:16


StretchVelvet Thu 24-Jan-13 16:40:21

"You wouldn't say "your a great kisser but would be great if you could extend your knob a few itches" grin"

Actually this sounds like the best break up line for OP to use with this git grin

Another firm vote to dump, OP. If he's saying that now, he'll be a total twunt after 6 months and your self esteem will be non existent.

TheCrackFox Thu 24-Jan-13 16:40:49

Dump him pronto. He will only get worse.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 16:41:15

Did you tell him he was pretty average good in bed but he'd be amazing if he gained a few inches in the length of his dick?

See him for what he is, honey. A one night stand that you won't be in any danger of repeating with him.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 16:42:15

Xpost with Stretch - great minds and all that grin

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 16:42:26

I'm still stunned, he doesn't think anything is wrong

ShatnersBassoon Thu 24-Jan-13 16:43:17

Dump him. He's horrible.

flubba Thu 24-Jan-13 16:45:02

Dump, dump, dump.


CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 16:46:14

LOL!!! You know the answer to that one, don't you?....

"At least I can lose a bit of weight ... there's nothing you can do about being a fuckwit"

Hope you told him to sod off.

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 16:46:56

he doesn't think anything is wrong

you do though, don't you OP? (Stern glare)

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 16:49:22

Yes, I thought it was a horrid thing to say? especially after spening the night together for the first time?

In shock a bit I think that a man thinks its ok to say that

You are going to dump him aren't you?

Tbh I'm surprised you even need to run this past MN. I can't believe he wasn't dumped on the spot.

Definitely dump. If he asks why, say, 'Because you're an insensitive prick with lousy manners and not enough sense to know that insulting someone you've had sex with is a bad move.'

Because to say something like that to you shows that he considers himself much more important and powerful than you. He's decided he's entitled to pass judgement on you and tell you what you need to change and he expects to be obeyed.

I bet he was a fairly rubbish shag, as well.

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 16:51:48

I was actually fighting back tears, and left shortly afterwards

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 16:52:34

I used to work with a woman who went out with a guy a couple of times. He said something similar and she didn't immediately drop-kick him down the hall the way I hope you're going to.... <more stern glares> After a few more dates he was telling how her hair would be nice if it was cut different, what clothes to wear, how to arrange the contents of her cupboards ... blah... blah... blah. Finally she saw the light!

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 16:53:31

I think the final nail in the coffin was when he followed up with the expectation that having delivered his mighty judgement, you were going to act on it. Sort of 'The Man Has Spoken'.......


Dump and tell him why.

COCKadoodledooo Thu 24-Jan-13 16:53:48

Wanker. Run very fast in the direction of away!

pictish Thu 24-Jan-13 16:53:59

Oh God that's bloody terrible. Please tell us you're not going to see him again....PLEASE!!

rosiesmartypants Thu 24-Jan-13 16:54:03

What an arsehole! If you make a change in your life it needs to be for yourself and no-one else.

But sweetheart, what are you doing spending the night with someone at 14? You have plenty of time for that later...and I hope you were safe!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 16:54:06

FFS don't cry. He's an arsehole!!! He's really not worth losing a drop of saline over... Please don't let this knock your confidence. Just kick him well and truly to the kerb, do the palm-on-palm 'good riddance' gesture and hold your head up high.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 16:54:48

'a 14'... size 14 dresses... not 14 years old. smile

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 24-Jan-13 16:55:11

That's a hideous thing to say to someone. Especially after spending the night with them!

He obviously didn't have a problem with your size last night and to be honest, he may not have a massive problem with it at all, it may just be the start of his controlling, self-esteem smashing, nasty, vile side he hasn't shown you yet.

Dump his ass. NOW. Sounds like he has the charm and appeal of rotting shit apple.

pictish Thu 24-Jan-13 16:55:11

And yes, make sure you detail exactly why he is being dumped...and for the love of God do NOT allow him to explain it away as trivial, and carry on seeing him.

PoppadomPreach Thu 24-Jan-13 16:55:39

Definitely dump him, but don't mention the weight comment. Say it was because you don't have confidence he could properly satisfy you in bed. Say once he's practised, you'll reconsider his eligibility.

hellsbells76 Thu 24-Jan-13 16:55:55

Rosie I think she meant she's a size 14! Please dump him. You're not going to see him again, are you? <another Paddington hard stare>

this actually made me do this shock

how bloody dare he?

and yy the follow up question made it waaaay worse

He sounds charming hmm
If it was just a case of foot-in-mouth-itis, I'd be tempted to give him a chance to grovel and make me forgive him (I wouldn't, but I'd be tempted grin), but the fact he doesn't even think he's done anything wrong?
Eurgh, get rid.

CrazyOldCatLady Thu 24-Jan-13 16:57:30

Run away, quickly. You don't need someone in your life who makes you feel like that!

rosiesmartypants Thu 24-Jan-13 16:57:57

Ha! Ha! Yes just realized blaming baby brain!

DogEgg Thu 24-Jan-13 16:59:18

At size 14 you are not a Flabber. Kick this tosser into touch.

SoggySummer Thu 24-Jan-13 17:00:40

OMG!!! How rude!

He has to go. At best he is an insensitive git!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:01:12

It wouldn't actually matter if she was size 26..... someone who thinks it's Ok to screw you and then comment on your weight is, aside from anything else, not a gentleman.

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:02:30

Cogito he sounds a bit like your friends one, yes he has ideas on what I look good in etc, seems very early to start being a control freak

It was the way he patted me on the bum and said so you gonna lose some weight then, and then went to make coffee like nothing had happened

The earlier comment had already floored me, the you would be bit

DogEgg Thu 24-Jan-13 17:03:42


HotBurrito1 Thu 24-Jan-13 17:08:12

What an arrogant knob! He patted you on the bum, like you'd be taking on board his 'helpful' suggestion!

lubeybooby Thu 24-Jan-13 17:12:48

A 14 is a really lovely size.

Please have nothing at all to do with him again. He really doesn't deserve your company.

And yes it's both a red flag and grossly insensitive.

Red flag because he thinks he can control you already, and thinks he is entitled to change you. It would only get worse as time went on. If you lost weight it would be enough - then he's want you to change your hair or clothes etc etc ... see where this is going?

Don't have any form of contact with him ever again

and well done for recognising the red flag.

ArtsMumma Thu 24-Jan-13 17:15:38

I once had someone I like a lot ask me if I lost some weight would I still have big boobs - he was weighing up whether he wanted me to take the risk. I was a size 12! I said, I dunno, but tell you what, if I ever do lose weight I will make some measurements and let you know how it went. never saw him again. think yourself lucky to have a warning sign that you cant ignore, and move on!

ArtsMumma Thu 24-Jan-13 17:16:57

(can i also add that i am SOOOOO not a 12 anymore and my DH loves me the way I am, and knows damn well not to pat me on the arse and suggest otherwise!)

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:18:34

Is it controlling?

Hes already told me he will look after me and he is good at fixing people, both comments now I look upon with suspicion

hellsbells76 Thu 24-Jan-13 17:20:04

Ugh. Yes. Get rid. It will get worse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:22:50

Yes it's controlling. Like my friend's boyfriend... the type that wants to dress you, fix your hair and remodel your contours is either a) Gok Wan... or b) a control freak. We're none of us perfect but a decent guy would like you just as you are. It's the old 'does my bum look big in this?' deal. Correct answer, every man knows even if the bum is the size of Albuquerque, is 'no'.

AgathaF Thu 24-Jan-13 17:23:04

good at fixing people - fixing what? Fixing them to his liking?

Massive red flag.

Please don't give it further thought. Just bin him, delete his number, FB etc. Then get on with your life and enjoy.

EuroShagmore Thu 24-Jan-13 17:23:33

Run run run.

Have you got your trainers on yet?

And please make the tiny c0ck comment when you say goodbye.

AgathaF Thu 24-Jan-13 17:24:15

You do know also, don't you, that even if you were to change every tiny little thing about you, he still would not be happy with you?

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:25:19

Lol..Cogito its ringing bells, he told me my skirt was a bad choice as it was stripey and apparantly not flattering to wear vertical stripes

God. Run a mile.

Huge red flag. For being a dickhead anyway.

And tell him "look last night was ok but long term I don't think you would really satisfy me".

ivykaty44 Thu 24-Jan-13 17:32:14

run for the hills before control man sinks his claws into you and doesn't want to let go......

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 17:32:39

Oh come on OP! Surely all these other red flags must have told you what he was like and to run in the opposite direction? No adult woman needs anyone to 'look after her'. I'm wondering whether you've got a history of relationships with controlling men and you've been targeted by another one though?

Kernowgal Thu 24-Jan-13 17:36:23

My ex told me I'd be pretty "if you didn't have a double chin". He also told me I was "a bit porky" and the tops of my thighs were a bit fat.

I wish I'd had Cogito's riposte ready at that time. Yes, I could change all those things, but he would never stop being A MASSIVE WANKER.

As per one wise MNer: "When people show you who they are, believe them."

HotBurrito1 Thu 24-Jan-13 17:36:57

Fashion advice too? Delightful! He really isn't a keeper.

He wasn't Gok was he?

EldritchCleavage Thu 24-Jan-13 17:39:42

Erm, do you think it was a statement designed to put you off? Save him the trouble of extricating himself from any relationshippy stuff once you'd done the deed?
Don't want to upset you more but it is a very odd and clearly unkind thing to say, it made me wonder.
Either way, he is Not Very Nice, LTB.

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:40:06

Hes texted twice in the last hour, first I ignored, and the second he said have you got my text

Not sure if I should tell him how badly he acted or just ignore

HotBurrito1 Thu 24-Jan-13 17:43:44

Oh just say you couldn't possibly be seen again with someone with such a poor sense of style.

Im a size 14. I would just frigging well dump him. You deserve better than to be put down in this insensitive manner.

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 17:44:09

Do you want to dump him?

If so, either text him or ring him and tell him why you are doing that.

Ignoring him is daft. He needs to know.

piratecat Thu 24-Jan-13 17:45:23

i would have the very last word op.

i would say,' your comments about my size were rude do not contact me again'


really really rude op. a rocky road imo.

JustAHolyFool Thu 24-Jan-13 17:45:53

It would be "dumpsville. Population: you" from me. Same as any man who said anything about my body that wasn't 100% positive.

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:45:53

Hes just texted again saying where are you, is it bad form to dump by text, I do not fancy talking to him

piratecat Thu 24-Jan-13 17:47:19

of course not. why are you bothered about his feelings. he's a twat.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:47:43

So tempting to read him the Riot Act but, then again, probably a massive waste of time. "I got your text. Don't appreciate being told I'm fat. You're no oil painting yourself. We're through"

CheeseStrawWars Thu 24-Jan-13 17:48:02

It's bad form to say what he said. Dump by text.

piratecat Thu 24-Jan-13 17:48:07

how long have you been seeing him anyway

WowOoo Thu 24-Jan-13 17:48:52

I'd tell him that I don't want to spend time with someone who speaks so bluntly when you are only getting to know each other.

You appreciate his honesty, but he'd be better off with someone who thinks his advice is good.

Give him the message. He'll prob feel awful. I think he sounds like he really likes you and didn't think about what he was saying (am not defending him, just preparing you!)

piratecat Thu 24-Jan-13 17:49:09

give him the boot op. waste of time

Herrena Thu 24-Jan-13 17:49:35

' your comments about my size were rude do not contact me again'

YY to this!

ErikNorseman Thu 24-Jan-13 17:50:31

It's fine to dump someone via text if you haven't been together long. Especially this guy. Dick.

lalalonglegs Thu 24-Jan-13 17:50:59

Do you think he was deliberately (albeit subtly) trying to get you to dump him? It seems a strange thing to say after you've spent the night for the first time.

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:52:09

only a few weeks, wondered why he was single actually, late 40's, he said a few relationships but mainly a couple of months long. Which in hindsight is also a red flag combined with above.

I was away for work last week, he phoned the hotel and got put through to my
room, I didn't answer as assumed it was housekeeping or something, then I got a text saying where are you Ive just phoned your room and you are not there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:52:55

I don't think there was anything subtle going on here. He was starting as he meant to continue.... keep the girlfriend a little insecure about her appearance and she'll be grateful you pay her attention.

nospace Thu 24-Jan-13 17:53:11

How long have you known him? Can you not find any other instances since you met him when he said something you didn't like/had an attitude that rang alarm bells or did something?

Some people are blunt and don't always think before they open their mouths. At the start of your relationship he hurt you and it made you cry. Strange how he didn't say this before he slept with you. Makes you sound like a piece of equipment.

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:53:27

No strangely enough I don't think he was trying to get me to dump him, hes trying to book a weekend away at the moment for us, which is why he is texting, he thinks there is nothing wrong at all

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:53:55

"Ive just phoned your room and you are not there."

Bit creepy isn't he....?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Jan-13 17:54:24

Man alive.........DUMP him. What a total fuckwit!!!!

Do it by text- usually I'd say it's bad form but I think in this case manners and etiquette goes out the window!!!

Absolutely shocking- sorry you had the misfortune to come across such an arse!!! Onwards and upwards op!!

arthriticfingers Thu 24-Jan-13 17:54:31

Amazing what damage abusive men can do in only a few weeks.
Well spotted! Give yourself a round of applause and dump soonest.

ErikNorseman Thu 24-Jan-13 17:54:33


lalalonglegs Thu 24-Jan-13 17:55:37

Hmm, the phoning is definitely a red flag. In that case, dump him.

fiventhree Thu 24-Jan-13 17:55:39

Do NOT meet him to dump him- he has said that because he is scarily controlling and thinks he can talk you out of it with ease. Given you havnt told him to fuck off, he may have a point.

Really nasty man , surely you see that?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:55:47

You really have to dump this man in words of one syllable. The type that doesn't think they've done anything wrong and stalks you to your hotel room is the type that is not going to take no for an answer unless you are very, very clear about it. No way back.

akaemmafrost Thu 24-Jan-13 17:55:52

What A Twat!

I would never have addressed another word to him. Clothes on, stuff got together and out.

TheCrackFox Thu 24-Jan-13 17:56:08

It is bad form to dump a nice person by text but you can dump a wanker any way you want. I wouldn't even text back, just ignore all forms of communication from him and eventually he will get the message.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Jan-13 17:58:17

Just read the bit about phoning your room.....totally creepy!!!!!! Run!!!!!! My dp wouldn't even send me a text like that....and wouldn't ring my room either actually. That was like he was trying to catch you out?! Weirdo alert!!!

FlatsInDagenham Thu 24-Jan-13 17:58:18

Dump. What a prick.

How fucking dare he make you feel anything less than amazing?

It's a long time since I was as slim as you OP. My DH wouldn't dream of speaking to me that way, despite me being a size 10 when we first met.

nospace Thu 24-Jan-13 17:58:32

It doesn't matter if he can see he's done nothing wrong and he's booking a weekend away, has he not already shown you how he is and thinks.

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 17:58:46

Cogito, how did your friend dump her boyfriend?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:59:53

This was in the days pre-text.. (I am vair old...) I think she just called him and said it was over.

TalkativeJim Thu 24-Jan-13 18:00:08

Oh no with a twat like this it's extremely good form.

'Sorry couldn't get back to you earlier. Think I'm going to have to pass on you sorry. Sex wasn't great and your comments on weight etc. made it clear that you'd be too much of an arrogant prick to even train up - way too much hassle. Bye.'

akaemmafrost Thu 24-Jan-13 18:01:04

Yes dump him by Text

"Fuck Off" should do it. Send me his number and I will do it if you don't want to!

nospace Thu 24-Jan-13 18:01:38

If you went on a weekend with him, he'd be asking you why you're eating things that may be fattening........

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Jan-13 18:01:43

Erik- DTMFA??? I think I've got that but can u

AgathaF Thu 24-Jan-13 18:04:42

Send one brief text telling him he is dumped, then delete any replies you get. Do not engage. He is a twat.

sarahseashell Thu 24-Jan-13 18:07:31

just an absolute dickhead. Think of it as a lucky escape wink

wiltingfast Thu 24-Jan-13 18:08:34

You could text

"Actually I've been thinking about what you said and I AM going to lose some weight, about 12 stone sounds right, so goodbye (shame you can't grow a few inches on your cock as fast as I can lose weight).

Don't normally recomment such meanness but he is a PROPER KNOB.

Remember, you owe this man nothing. Choose your favourite of the rude examples above and text him that. If he replies in any shape or form, send one more text: 'You are dumped. Is that clear? Do not contact me again or I will consider it harassment and involve the police.'

He is either an inadequate little tosspot who has read one of those ludicrous 'How to Be A Massive Stud' books, which suggest that being horrible to women is the way to make them wet themselves with lust, or he is a very nasty, misogynist bully who doesn't consider women to be human at all. Either way, you don't want to have anything more to do with him.

And if this does happen to be your second or third abusive man, stop dating altogether for at least a year while you work on your boundaries and self-esteem.

Yama Thu 24-Jan-13 18:15:27

You could just text something like, "Look, I'm not looking for anything serious. Think we should leave it. No hard feelings."

Don't show him you are upset. He would like that.

expatinscotland Thu 24-Jan-13 18:15:32

Don't meet him again. Just tell him what Solid said via text.

Just tell him that you are perfectly happy with being a size 14 and that you have no intention of losing any weight. As he has made it plain that this is not to his liking you have decided not to continue with the relationship. And bin!

SundaysGirl Thu 24-Jan-13 18:16:26

Hang on a within weeks of you meeting each other he was calling your hotel room and then texting to check up on you, he is suggesting you change your wardrobe, he is telling you you need to lose weight and then assuming you will do it with a 'pat on the bum', fails to notice you were almost 'in tears' shortly after that comment and now has texted you three times in a row to check where you are the next day as you have not yet replied?

Oh and not to mention him saying he can 'fix' people and will do so with you.

And you are worrying if texting is bad form?


Um it's almost unbelieveable to be frank that this hasn't led you to be going 'fuck off to the far side of fuck' with no questions asked.

He's a controlling narcissitic little prick. This is like a not very subtle 'how to be an abusive controlling wanker' textbook.

toddlerama Thu 24-Jan-13 18:19:38

Listen to what these people are telling you. He sounds sinister actually. Don't worry about <how> you tell him. The important thing in this scenario is that you don't become embroiled in his games. The fact that you weren't sure that this is a red flag means you need to cut him off quick smart. One way track to an abusive relationship sad . One text, then ignore. Delete his number. You can tell him why or not. If it will lead to him wheedling you, don't bother. You don't owe him that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 18:20:18

"Controlling Wankerishness for Dummies..." (working title)

What a twat. I recommend texting 'You weren't bad in bed but you would be amazing if your cock was a couple of inches longer. So, you gonna grow a couple of inches? No? Thought not. You're dumped.'

The fact that you are hesitating over telling this man to stick his head up his arse and fuck himself suggests to me that you do need to do a little work on your boundaries and self esteem before you date anyone again. Everything you say about this man makes it clear he's undesirable. Even if he looks like Johnny Depp, is a millionaire and a phenomenal shag, he's still not worth having, because he is nasty and he hates women.

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 19:41:04

Yes, I don't understand why you're dithering about this, or why you didn't see the signs before you shagged him. That is, unless you've had a series of wankerish men and this one wasn't quite as bad as the last....which is really saying something.

pictish Thu 24-Jan-13 19:50:00

"Remember you said you were good at fixing people? Well...I don't need fixed. I'm grand just as I am. You're ditched."

Text that ^ or sommat like it.

Agree with everyone else...the more you tell us, the worse he sounds. When he says he's good at fixing people, he means to suit him.
He's a bam pot and you'll be next.
Dumpitty dumpitty dump.

ThreeTomatoes Thu 24-Jan-13 20:11:51

Oh my fucking god, yes pleeeease dump him by text right now! shock In what universe could a man think that's an ok thing to say to a woman, after your first night together no less?!

"he said he will look after me and he is good at fixing people"

Hissy Thu 24-Jan-13 20:33:20

Yes to dumping the toad.

"please don't contact me again"

That'll do it.

NicholasTeakozy Thu 24-Jan-13 20:49:25

He's vile. Get rid.

SarahBumBarer Thu 24-Jan-13 20:54:52

Dump him. Text "You told me to lose some weight. So I am. You're dumped. There that's 12 stone gone already".

THis is really bad. He should be feeling like the luckiest guy on earth and telling you how sexy/amazing you are. And YOU should have enough self-esteem to tell a guy (especially a new one) who says something like this to you to hit the street!

Flabber Thu 24-Jan-13 20:59:49

I have dumped by text, just said I not happy and don't contact me again.

He replied what are you talking about, and then when I didn't reply he texted again and said have you been drinking?

Turned phone off and deleted number

ImperialBlether Thu 24-Jan-13 21:05:35

I'm laughing here at "Have you been drinking?" As if that's the only reason you would be talking like that.

I wouldn't mention the weight. I'd say last night didn't do anything for me and to be honest I didn't really fancy him that much, so it's unfair to continue.

Hissy Thu 24-Jan-13 21:05:56

bloody well done.... now, you have some drinking to do.

at least he said something useful!

flubba Thu 24-Jan-13 21:10:24

Well done you. Now prove him right and get drinking! wine grin

expatinscotland Thu 24-Jan-13 21:12:08

Don't bother saying another word to him or contacting him again. Ever. He's a waste of space.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Jan-13 21:28:13

Well done!!!! What a're well shot op!!!!

Now go pour yourself a nice big vino and cheers yourself on ditching such a rat before it escalated! smile xx

Herrena Thu 24-Jan-13 21:29:02

Well done!

However, when he gets back in touch (and I think he will) to find out how on earth you could bear to dump someone as wonderful as him, keep ignoring him but DO save his number on your phone as 'Arsehole', so you know which texts/calls you can safely ignore.

Now go have a drink grin

Leaverightnow Thu 24-Jan-13 21:38:19

Never see him again. I ignored comments like this at the of my relationship with my (now) husband and every few years he'll make little comments about weight or appearance. Posted on here about him recently about this sort of thing. Ignore him btw, bet ur gorgeous!

Leaverightnow Thu 24-Jan-13 21:39:20

Sorry-at the start of my relationship x

Just caught up. well done OP! Cogito I just burst out laughing at your book title grin

On the bus grin

Branleuse Thu 24-Jan-13 21:45:46


AmandaLF Thu 24-Jan-13 21:50:29

If he asks again text back telling him you're doing what he suggested and losing some weight ie, him. Prick.

TheCrackFox Thu 24-Jan-13 21:58:21

Well done!

If you had lost weight he would only have found another supposed defect that you were expected to improve.

NicholasTeakozy Thu 24-Jan-13 22:24:19

Well done. You're lucky he showed his true colours early doors. Many don't.

Darkesteyes Thu 24-Jan-13 22:29:34

Well done for dumping this abusive mysogynistic fucking arsehole. Now pour yourself a nice glass and toast the fact that you have made the right decision. And hes in his 40s? Needs to fucking grow up.

wiltingfast Thu 24-Jan-13 22:34:42

Yay! I'm so glad.

My mum always if it's right he will be REALLY mad about you and there will be NO confusion!

I am actually overweight and no one has ever made a comment like that to me - and there have <ahem> a few ;)

Here's to a fabulous gorgeous man next wine

aleene Thu 24-Jan-13 22:35:03

So glad you have given him his marching orders.

How far away does he live? I hope he does not turn up to talk you out of it. From the sound of him I wouldn't put it past him.

wiltingfast Thu 24-Jan-13 22:38:44

My mum always SAID (oops sorry)

myroomisatip Thu 24-Jan-13 22:39:06

Well done OP! You have done the right thing. Not sure how 'to the point' your comment was, I am kind of hoping it was a bit cruel smile 'cos he would deserve that.

Oh I love MN! I so so so wish I had the benefit of MN during my dating days smile

If I won the lottery I think I would like to take out huge adverts in all the major cities for MN!

(yes! I have had some wine smile lol but I dont care smile)

But on a very serious note, I do believe that MN is a lifeline for so many, it has been for me!

sunshine401 Thu 24-Jan-13 22:39:52

14 ?

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Thu 24-Jan-13 22:40:32

Phew that was a lucky escape! What a awful man.

CaseyShraeger Thu 24-Jan-13 22:50:03

He's dancing around waving whole STRINGS of red flags enough to equip a Morris troupe. Glad you got rid of him.

If he does try to contact you again, send him one more text informing him that you will be reporting him to the police for harassment if he doesn't leave you alone. And if he doesn't leave you alone report him. A man who tries to override a woman like this is often a date rapist or at least will have a history of complaints having been made against him for harassment and abuse, even if he's never been convicted of anything.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 07:44:59

Well done but, as others have said, I think it'll take more than one text to shake this one off. If he's already regarding you as a project and thinks the only kind of woman that would dump him would be a drunk one hmm, he may be persistent. Very important not to engage.

I may have missed the info but was he a lot older than you?

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 08:36:35

Yes he was quite a bit older actually!

QuietTiger Fri 25-Jan-13 08:41:39

God I would kill to be a size 14! Don't do anything OP, apart from dump the fuck-weasel from a great height and kick him into touch!

He's an arsehole. For comparison for a healthy relationship, since I met DH, I've gone from a really nice slim comfortable 14 (I'm 5'9"), to a 16/18. Not once has he told me to lose weight, he's only ever said that he "likes my cuddly bits" when the subject crops up.

Get rid, this wanker will only become more controlling and offensive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 08:44:13

That fits.

SureFineWhatever Fri 25-Jan-13 09:01:31

What. A. Cunt. Geez.

You dodged a bullet there, OP! Congratulations flowers

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 09:10:04

Yes I agree.

Just switched on phone to find 2 text messages listing out what my problems are??? Both start you know what your problem is...and list my defects?

CheeseStrawWars Fri 25-Jan-13 09:12:04

Just ignore, ignore... He's going to have a very bitter and lonely life.

CheeseStrawWars Fri 25-Jan-13 09:13:19

Or what SGB said, and tell him you'll contact the police re harrassment if he keeps contacting you.

SureFineWhatever Fri 25-Jan-13 09:15:24

Ha! Bullet well and truly dodged.

What a fruitcake. Oh, sorry, I meant god's gift to womankind, silly me hmm angry

Hope he gets his little willy caught in his flies and has to go to A & E to have it surgically removed if they can find it

Don't quite know why I am so angry on your behalf, OP, but I am!

expatinscotland Fri 25-Jan-13 09:16:36

Aha, I see he's continued to contact you, he's so predicable. YY to what solid said. 'Stop contacting me now or I will report you to the police for harrassment.' He's an emotionally abusive twat.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 09:17:54

LOL!!! Oh you've got Mr Silver Fox rattled. A woman?!!!! Rejecting^me^?!!! How very dare she??!!! That's how control freaks operate.... all nicey, nicey when you're not challenging their condescending remarks and backhanded complimentsbut, the minute you speak up for yourself and refuse to take it any more, they get nasty.

Narrow escape.

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 09:18:50

Just got another one...he said he refuses to discuss anything by text and will catch up with me when I have had time to reflect

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 09:19:55

He's still not taking you seriously is he? On no account 'catch up' because all you'll get is a bigger list of your faults and how he's the one to fix them....


expatinscotland Fri 25-Jan-13 09:22:30

Time to inform him never to contact you again or you will report him. Just 'Stop contacting me now or I will report you to the police for harrassing me.' Then do it!

expatinscotland Fri 25-Jan-13 09:22:59

Because what SGB says is true: this person does not respect NO when it comes from a woman.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 25-Jan-13 09:23:09

errrrrrr. dump the dickhead, tell him to fuck right off, cheeky bastard!!

Text back

There is nothing more to reflect on and i have made my decision. Your comments about my size were rude do not contact me again.

Then ignore and don't speak to him again.

It's amazing how many middle aged men think they are God's gift and see an Adonis when they look in the mirror. It's a shame so many women lack their self belief!

Lucky escape OP.

snowmummy Fri 25-Jan-13 09:26:28

Do you really need to ask? You know how he's made you feel.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 25-Jan-13 09:26:37

Tell him, I'll lose some weight, once you've gone that'll be some dead weight shifted.

ErikNorseman Fri 25-Jan-13 09:28:24

He's a nasty cunt, isn't he.

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 09:31:36

I haven't answered any of them.

I don't see how its gone from me saying enough to being told what my problems are?! and no other bloke would put up with it? Typical woman causing problems and thats a quote.

Its quite bizarre, thank god for mums net.

arthriticfingers Fri 25-Jan-13 09:33:19

This tosser man is scary creepy. DO NOT catch up

expatinscotland Fri 25-Jan-13 09:33:27

Don't mention his comments at all! They will only fuel his fire. This person is an abusive twat who does not understand the word NO when it comes from a female.

'Stop contacting me now or I will report you for harrassment. Go away.'

TheGoatThatGotAway Fri 25-Jan-13 09:33:55

Eurrgh, what a vile piece of work he is. And how awful to think that he has probably made countless women feel the same way over the years. I'm so angry for you too, OP, and laughed out loud at SureFineWhatever's post. Having a hard time not plotting revenge on your behalf. Stay strong!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 09:38:49

"no other bloke would put up with it"

So he's been doing you a favour up to now, has he? hmm Putting up with all of your 'problems'? You should be grateful? Wow... surprised he can still move his thumbs to text when he's so far up his own arse. smile

Seriously... you can learn a lot from this experience and be alert to similar techniques in future boyfriends. Think back to when you first met, how he approached you, what you found attractive at the time. And then set that against what you've found out since. Ask yourself why you let him say things like stripy skirts aren't flattering. Promise yourself that, if anyone does something similar in future, you'll have a put-down for them rather than letting it go...

Final text if you need to:

this is not working for me. No reflection needed. Please don't contact me agin

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 09:40:06

You might find this article interesting. See if it rings any bells.

NoWuckingFurries Fri 25-Jan-13 09:42:58

I hope you've told him that there is nothing to discuss and to stop contacting you or you will consider it harassment and contact the police. This man is a mysoginistic bastard. You need to stay strong.

schobe Fri 25-Jan-13 09:46:27

Omg, you've just had the luckiest escape I've heard about for a long time. Well done.

BinarySolo Fri 25-Jan-13 09:48:18

Yy. Tell him there's nowt to discuss and to stop contacting you or you'll involve the police.

Don't explain why, he doesn't deserve that and also those comments were designed to hurt so don't give him the satisfaction of that.

He really is a prize fucktard.

pictish Fri 25-Jan-13 09:48:23

Fuck me, have you had a lucky escape!!

Good on you OP, bloody good on you!

A list of your defects, a refusal to accept that you want to end things, and a general attitude of disliking all adds up to him being a controlling, abusive waste of space. His sense of entitlement is ringing loud and clear! It can't be him at fault, so therefore it MUST be you. You silly woman...don't you know a good thing when you see it? He's going to fix you and sort out all those defects.

Fucking hell. Shout your relief to the skies my friend! Do NOT engage with him whatso^ever^.

Katisha Fri 25-Jan-13 09:51:23

Oh dear. His renovation project got away!

BinarySolo Fri 25-Jan-13 09:51:53

I'd honestly send one last text threatening police action if he doesn't leave you alone. Don't block his number, keep his texts incase things escalate. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

lubeybooby Fri 25-Jan-13 09:54:14

Oh christ!

Well done OP

Stop reading his messages now - please just delete soon as they come through without opening them. It will just be more abuse intended to wear you down.

pictish Fri 25-Jan-13 09:54:22

He will catch up with you when you have had time to reflect will he?

Translation: I do not accept being dumped by text. I will ignore what you have said to me via your text messages, because clearly you don't know your own mind. You will not dump me. I will wait until I can see you in person and talk you round, because I know what's good for you better than you do. I'm in charge here, not you, and the sooner you accept that, the better as far as I am concerned.

The fucker.

pictish Fri 25-Jan-13 09:55:20

Keep the texts. If he persists, you may well end up needing them.

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 09:59:32

I just will not respond and he will give up if he gets no reaction.

This is why he is single at 49, never married and no LTR n'est pas.
I did ask and he said he had never met the right woman.

pictish Fri 25-Jan-13 10:04:05

Because they all run screaming for the hills!!

NoWuckingFurries Fri 25-Jan-13 10:04:14

Yeah, ignoring the fucker will really bug him. Oh what a shame grin
Yy to keeping the texts, just in case. But well done OP. I reckon you've just saved yourself from a lifetime of pain.

BinarySolo Fri 25-Jan-13 10:09:50

Please send one last text saying you'll contact the police if he doesn't leave you alone. I'm just a bit concerned he'll turn up at you house or work.

SweetSeraphim Fri 25-Jan-13 10:13:00

What a cunt! So glad you did the right thing, he would lead you into a world of self doubt if you'd have stayed.

Who do these men think they are???

Well done OP.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 25-Jan-13 10:15:46

Had time to reflect???? Is he your headmaster or something??? God OP, I'm so glad you recognised this as every shade of wrong and dumped him! I read your opening post to my DP and he said, in his own words, 'even as a man, I am...actually I don't know what I am...I'm shocked and don't know what to say'. This is from a man who openly loves the fact that I am curvy and wobbly and soft. My most hated part of my body is my tummy (after having 3 big babies) but when we sleep he has one hand holding it. I was this size when I met him and he wouldn't dream of telling me to lose weight (and I am 2 or 3 dress sizes bigger than you OP).

Keep his texts, don't be drawn into any discussions, and move on.

Lucky escape.


CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 10:17:55

"he said he had never met the right woman. "

Correction.... he has never met a woman that would stick around long enough to be groomed... hmm So he was 49 and how old are you?

NewPatchesForOld Fri 25-Jan-13 10:18:00

Incidentally, I had an exbf like this...he was always saying things like 'are you sure you should be eating that?' whenever I put anything in my mouth. It got so I would eat in private when he wasn't around, just to avoid being made to feel guilty. Funnily enough he was about the same age as your idiot ex...

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 10:24:25

Hi Cogito

I'm 35

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 10:25:45

Newpatches, did you get rid of yours?

NewPatchesForOld Fri 25-Jan-13 10:26:30

Do you see this 'man' in your every day life Flabber? Like at work, or locally? Or will it be easy to just avoid him completely?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 10:27:13

Thank goodness for that... I thought you were going to say 21 and then I'd have had to curl my toes smile

NewPatchesForOld Fri 25-Jan-13 10:29:49

Flabber, unfortunately least not over that. he couldn't get on with my oldest daughter so I had to end it, but not until he had ground me right down. It was a nightmare being with him, he was mnoody, sulky, and very domineering. In fact (and sooooo tmi here) after we'd had sex he used to nod at me in the direction of and tell me to clean it (with my mouth). This was in a completely non sexual was degrading and disgusting. but then this was the same man who used to spit in my mouth during sex. Degrading, debasing and humiliating. Run for the hills!

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 10:30:03

No don't ever have to see him again, he has some things of mine but he can keep them.

Flabber Fri 25-Jan-13 10:31:26

New Patches I'm sorry, glad you have a nice partner now, thats horrid. x

snoopdogg Fri 25-Jan-13 10:36:41

Just think what an enormously big dent you've put in his ego by dumping him straight after your first shag........

NewPatchesForOld Fri 25-Jan-13 10:39:52

snoopdog...that's hilarious, it will drive him nutty wondering how she has the nerve to do that. grin

Flabber thanks, but I only met my lovely DP after taking 2 years out from dating so I could get my head straight and not fall into the same abusive trap over and over again.


pictish Fri 25-Jan-13 10:50:35

He is quite likely to be coldly furious right now OP. Be very wary of him. Do not agree to a meet up for any reason. He might use having your stuff as a reason to meet up, under the pretence of giving it back...or he may pathetically appeal to you for a proper hearing as no doubt he will consider that you are being unfair to him not to let him talk you round discuss this in person.

Here's the thing - you have no obligation to him whatsoever. That's the reality of it. He's new to your life, and he does not suit, and that's all the reason and contact he is entitled to. Finito.

EuphemiaLennox Fri 25-Jan-13 10:51:03

Ah Flabber, what a truly horrible experience you've had.

You must try to ensure that you view this in your head as a very lucky escape, and one whic you've done brilliantly to extracate yourself from this early.

Try to feel strong and embolden by the way you've taken control now and are refusing to engage with this creep. He is attemting to rengage you as otherwise he can have to control over you, don't give him inch.

His behaviour is vile, and not acceptable by anyone's standards. This combined with the fact his not had long term relationships suggest that he does not conduct himself within the normal parameters of intimate relationships and therefore makes him potentially dangerous, and you may find he descends to even deeper levels of nastiness and shows a odd level of persistence as he can not judge when this should be dropped.

I hope that's not the case, but I think you should prepare a strategy for maintaining non engagement as it may become difficult. I think telling him immediately that you wish no further contact and will regard any continued contact as harassment is an important step.

pictish Fri 25-Jan-13 10:52:15

newpatches - I am so sorry you went through that. How utterly dreadful. I am very glad that things are good for you now. You deserve it. xxxxx

BerylStreep Fri 25-Jan-13 11:15:37

He listed your defects?
And told you to reflect!

I think you have had a lucky escape. I agree though with the others who say he will not take this lying down. If he continues, tell him (by text) you will report to the police. Don't meet up with him - there is nothing to discuss.

And don't feel awful about your weight. I would truly love to be a size 14. But then my DH says I have podgkins disease. hmm

You really do need to be firm with this man, he does sound potentially dangerous. As I said, he's very llikely to have previous form for abusing women. So send him one more message telling him not to contact you again, and if he tries to do so, give the police a ring on the non-emergency number and tell them what's happened - that you briefly dated him, ended the relationship and that he is harassing you. They will go and have a word with him and if that doesn't make him back off he wil be prosecuted. He has no rights at all to any kind of contact with you and he can be made to leave you alone.

PeppermintPasty Fri 25-Jan-13 12:00:28

I agree with SGB about the dangerous bit. You were without doubt a project, I am so so relieved for you that you got away this early, but you'll have to put your foot down or he could go on and on. People like this live in a little bubble of their own arrogance, without much of a footing in the real world.

Report the twat to the police if he carries on.


BattlingFanjos Fri 25-Jan-13 12:10:50

Thank god he never met the 'right woman' major lucky escape Flabber also agree with the poster who said bet you're gorgeous! Well done for getting rid grin

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 12:11:11

Well done on dumping this guy. Ugh.

Listen to SGB. Be prepared to go to the authorities if he keeps bothering you, do not meet him under any circumstances.

Astelia Fri 25-Jan-13 14:24:01

Just thought of one other thing- if anyone else has keys to your place make sure they know to not let him in, however persuasive he seems.

Keep yourself safe from this creep OP and don't hesitate to contact the police if he persists.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 25-Jan-13 14:29:57

"Right Woman" there is no right woman for this arsehole, i bet hes the kind of man who will tell women the same old line, "Woman just dump me, no idea what i've done wrong".

DeafLeopard Fri 25-Jan-13 14:42:14

Well done on dumping him OP, he's a nasty piece of work

BerylStreep Fri 25-Jan-13 15:27:03

Any chance of seeing what he wrote in the texts?

<nosey> <hopeful>

DonderandBlitzen Sat 26-Jan-13 00:17:35

Has he gone quiet now OP? I hope you won't hear any more from him. I wonder if he realises it was the losing weight comments that were the final straw.

springyhope Sat 26-Jan-13 02:48:40

Hes already told me he will look after me and he is good at fixing people


He sounds vile. Thank goodness he has shown his colours early on so you can get out quickly.

Patted you on the bottom?? What, like a prize mare he's going to train up?? Truly gross. Shame you didn't bite a chunk out of his bottom-patting hand.

echt Sat 26-Jan-13 07:23:38

I was about to say he sounded like an arsehole, but then that would be to dignify him, as an arsehole is useful.

While no contact is probably the best response, it's a pity you couldn't have told him that, after extensive research, you've decided he'd best keep his cock for pissing with.

Just saying. grin

Kundry Sat 26-Jan-13 11:25:32

OMG you have dodged a bullet there!

Congrats to you for getting rid so early as he is now showing his true colours.

nickelbabe Sat 26-Jan-13 11:28:38

second Astelia 's wise comment:

Just thought of one other thing- if anyone else has keys to your place make sure they know to not let him in, however persuasive he seems

JumpingJackSprat Sat 26-Jan-13 14:15:39

this sounds like the sort of thing my ex would come out with, and did come back with similar comments when i dumped him. except the opposite re weightloss, mine was a feeder- deliberately over ordering then encouraging me to eat it out of guilt that he had paid for it, derailing my weight loss efforts, used to give me lists of my faults and if i disagreed with him he would sulk for months sometimes. i wish i knew then what i know now and i wouldnt have wasted 3.5 years with the fuckwit. you have had a very lucky escape. i dumped him by text too as by the end i couldnt bring myself to speak to him as he made my flesh crawl. when i ended it he was in the middle of a sulk after he tried to leave me in a foreign country and fly home early so me dumping him a few weeks later was a shock to the system! grin took me a while to get rid of him i wish id just ignored ignored ignored.

Globular Sat 26-Jan-13 14:22:05

echt grin

BerylStreep Sun 03-Feb-13 10:42:55

Flabber has he made you see the error of your ways yet?

What about that list of defects, are you working on some self-improvement?


Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now