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Please tell me I WILL be happier on my own than like this....?

(54 Posts)
Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:06:45

I live with a bully, a man who tells me I'm a state, I've let myself go, I'm a crap mother. A man who took me out for our anniversary when I was pregnant only to rant at me all evening about how little milk I was drinking during my pregnancy and I shouldn't be surprised if our child had been born disabled because of me. A man who has called me a c* several times, said I deserve to rot in hell with my dead parents. A man who refused to let me continue working when I had our DS 5 years ago so I had to reduce my hours and let go if any "career" I hoped I'd have.

A man who doesn't touch me, hasn't wanted to sleep with me for 3 years despite me literally throwing myself at him. A man who makes fun of me in front of our friends. A man who has dictated which embers of my family are allowed round our house despite me bending over backwards for his.

A man who works from 8am until 10pm every day apart from Sundays when he is just miserable. I have practically raised our son on my own.

A man who has dangled the "having another child" in font of me for 4 years only for him to never come near me, and to even say "and you wonder why you're not pregnant look at the state of you!". He has slept on the sofa for a year.

A man who has thrown away his breakfast I cooked him because his eggs weren't done quite right.

A man who has hurt me 4 times.

This same man is practically a saint to the outside world, would do anything for anyone (yet rant about them to me), a man who looks like he's working every hour god sends to provide for his wife and son even though he has his own business and I have huge doubts as to how he can be working at 10pm at night. A man who goes so over the top with gifts on my birthday, Christmas and anniversary, spending hundreds, sometimes thousands.

Last Sept, almost a year to the day that I also lost my beautiful mum, who I miss so much I can barely breathe some days, I found that something had snapped in me, a lightbulb moment. This man I married can't possibly love me and it dawned on me that I don't love him anymore, he's killed everything.

I told him and I asked him o be honest, he sad "he loved me but not in that way" although he was happy to stay living together for our son. When I sad I wasn't, I'm 33 and haven't had sex since I was 29, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be happy. He called me selfish.

Since Sept I have started confiding in my close friends, some shocked, some not shocked at all and were almost waiting for me to tell them. My best friend cried, couldn't believe I had been hurting like this for so long and said I was a wonderful actress.

I can't help but think when I look at my husband he got me when I was so low, my dad had just died and I was pregnant and then at the end of 2011 my mum died and he has used these points in my life to get inside my head, tell me I'm disgusting and he even said my friends had god him id changed for the worst, when I asked them this recently I could tell by their faces these conversations hadn't happened.

So now I have an appt with my solicitor booked for next tues, an appt with the CAB Friday, and I'm about to blow my sons world apart by splitting up his little family. I hate myself for it, but my current life is killing me.

I am scared and I know it sounds mad, is it better the devil you know? Will I really be ok on my own with my DS? Can I do this? What if I'm aways n my own? What f I can't get back on the property ladder or give my son the things he deserves? I now this all sounds mental, but I am scared of the unknown, when at east with him I know my life... Does that sound insane?

I m not scared of him, pease no replies telling me to run screaming from the house, he hasn't hurt me since 2009. And like any coward, now that he has lost his control over me he has lost us power. He has been very amicable since we made the decision to not be together, I now he would rather live separate lives in the same house but this s what I can't do.

I just need to know its going to be ok.

Thankyou for taking the time to read.

XxxxxX

ShephardsDelight Wed 23-Jan-13 17:15:30

Yes! you will!
I'm surprised you tolerated such awful treatment for so long, but you can't turn back time just march forward and booking solicitor is part of that well done you!

Just out of interest , what was the moment when you thought 'thats it!'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 17:17:58

It's going to be OK and yes, you can do anything you put your mind to. You've already proved that you are strong, resilient and resourceful by surviving so much abuse. Just think what you can do with that same strength, resilience and resourcefulness when you can use it positively.

Things like property and other possessions are 'nice to have'. What's really important in life are things like peace of mind, freedom and love. What your DS 'deserves' is love, attention and a relaxed family environment ... If you give him that I think he'd be happy in a tent smile I've been a single parent since my DS was born 12 years ago. He's a great kid, we have a very close relationship and an absent Dad doesn't seem to have held him back at all

Glad you're seeing a solicitor. How exciting!

toffeelolly Wed 23-Jan-13 17:18:59

oh addsox, get out of this now , what a shit , you do not have to live with that shithole get yourself and children away from this evil shit nobody deserve's to live like this .so sad to hear your story . what is he like with the children? just get out now. look after yourself and your children.x

cutestgirls Wed 23-Jan-13 17:19:24

oh dear OP, you've said many things here that sound as if your husband has a serious mental health issue. he does sound narcissistic to me and incredibly selfish (possibly the result of a mental health issue.)

Firstly, you cannot remain living with him separately if he is so utterly miserable to you this will only negatively impact your DS view of relationships and marriage. no child of estranged parents ever said they were happier when their parents were together. you must leave him at this point.

additionally, it is clear that he has gotten to you. THIS IS IMPERATIVE go get some good professional counseling to begin the healing process. right now you are still bound to him to the point that you think you are better off with him than on your own

if you are a responsible parent, which i am assuming you are, you will manage on your own. thousands of women do it every day. be strong. get the counseling. and speak to a lawyer TODAY. you need to end this abusive relationship asap before things become even worse for both you and DH.

i am pretty sure that i do not stand alone in my opinion and others here will tell you the same. you will get the support you need on here, but you MUST have some RL support as well and release yourself from this abusive man.

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:23:16

Thankyou, I must admit every time I tell someone it's like a little brick being then off my shoulders xxx

The light bulb moment came when I was at my mums and dads grave in Sept last year, I haven't Ben able to grieve for my parents properly (pictures of them around our hose /talking about them "angers him").

Anyway I was stood there looking at the flowers I'd pt down, wishing to god d told my mum what was going on, when I asked myself "what would she have said if I had confided in her". It was a no brainer, I could almost hear her screaming at me to be happy!!!!

I miss my parents so much, they were so young when they died, 54 and 55, and I've been to hell and ack. I realised I was still here, still standing, and I owed it to them and me to be happy.

I am excited, thankyou so much for your replies. X

silversnow Wed 23-Jan-13 17:24:33

This is just the start of a new and wonderful life for you, well done for getting to the point you're at now. There may well be tought times ahead, but you've endured tough times over the past few years and you will get through them. And I suspect they'll be outnumbered by good times smile. Good luck OP! Don't look back, just take small steps forward x

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:26:52

Cutestgirls, yes you are right, completely, he had gotten to me, my self worth and confidence have been through the floor. I also have an appt booked with a counsellor (go me!). I am ready.

The whoe reason I told my best friends I ally is because they are fiercely defensive of me and will not let me stay with a man like this, love them. I knew once it was "out there" I'd have to take action, and I promise I am and will. I see it all for what it is now, he nearly got me but not quite....! X

It will be ok and you and your son will be a lot happier without his malign prescence in your day to day lives.

Your H blew this family apart by his actions; you have done nothing wrong. He met you at a low point in your life and took full advantage of your vulnerability and low self worth.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied; he could well end up killing you in the end. Leaving this man gives your son back his mother, she can blossom again and not remain the shell of a person that she currently is.

Verbal abuse like he has meted out is just as damaging as physical abuse; there are many types of violence and he has used many such tactics on you that abusive men employ. He has also been controlling and has controlled access to your family. He has employed more than one type of abuse here. This is and always has been about power and control; he has wanted absolute over you. He does not care at all for you and by turn your child.

Abusive men can be very plausible to those in the outside world but some of your friends were not surprised at all were they?. They saw through his facade and noticed how unhappy you are.

The first step to get out of an abusive relationship is often the hardest to make and I applaud you for arranging legal advice - do attend that Solicitors appt next Tuesday and the CAB on Friday!.

Please be careful. He may well become less amicable when he realises how serious you actually are about leaving him. You need to remain safe and have a plan of escape in place, enlist all help from family and friends. To begin with move all vital documents away from your home, give these to your parents/friends to keep. Again Womens Aid can advise.

By leaving this man you teach your son a vital and positive lesson re relationships; the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.
What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. Of course you want to teach him positive lessons.

I would also suggest you talk to Womens Aid as they can and will help you as well. You may want to attend their Freedom programme as such men do take an awful long time (years even) to recover from.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as well.

Good luck!

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:27:43

Sorry for the awful spelling, damn ipad spell checking!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 17:28:18

BTW... never worry about being 'on your own for ever'. You need to take a serious breather once you've exited your current relationship. Consider some personal counselling as previously suggested. The 'Freedom Programme' is worth a look. Delay dating until you've had chance to process your feelings, recalibrate what is 'normal' behaviour in a relationship and get your self-confidence up again. Once you've embraced independence fully you'll be very, very fussy in future about who you choose to share your life, and your DS's life, with.

cutestgirls Wed 23-Jan-13 17:28:25

oddsox2, wishing you the best of luck here and like silver says...take baby steps and don't look back

colditz Wed 23-Jan-13 17:29:15

You are not going to do anything to your sons life, you said yourself his dad is barely there, he only sees him on Sundays and there is no reason, currently, for that to not happen still.

CRUSE are good to talk to with regards to bereavement.

44SoStartingOver Wed 23-Jan-13 17:31:06

Wow, you are not going to believe how happy you are in such a short time. It's going to feel like you have been locked in a dark place and escaped to the sun.

Very best wishes, you are half way there!

Spero Wed 23-Jan-13 17:32:11

I don't see how being on your own could be any worse than what you describe. If you ask the question ' would I rather be on my own for the rest of my life, or continue with this kind of life?' I very much hope your answer would be to be alone.

Because it is not just you that will be utterly crushed if you stay, with little or no opportunity of meeting anyone else, your son will learn some awful lessons about how men treat women.

Best of luck, you are still very young and I hope the next fifty years more than make up for this interlude of utter crapness.

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:34:34

Big tears rolling down my cheeks reading these replies. Thankyou. I can really do this cant I!!!!!

I do have an escape plan for if he should turn nasty, but I can't see it as he prides himself on his character and his business, the thought of people finding out the real him terrifies him! I won't let my guard down though I. Promise.

Xx

mcmooncup Wed 23-Jan-13 17:36:32

Op, you have life ahead.
Being single is like being heaven compared to being with a man like that. You won't look back once it's done.
You will be fine......and free ! You will also and have peace.....its the weirdest thing at first but If you take care of yourself and give yourself time you will never let anyone disturb that peace again! What's not to love about that?!?! smilesmilesmile

Change is all you are frightened of, that's natural. But the key thing about change is to stick with it.

Good luck smile

ladyWordy Wed 23-Jan-13 17:37:26

Yes, you can do this! smile It really isn't better the devil you know. Besides which, that devil apparently works till 10pm 6 nights of the week; and that's already raised some suspicions. What if he left tomorrow? What would you really miss...

Take courage Oddsox... Once you have a clearer idea about your financial position you will at least know what you have to deal with, in practical terms. At the moment it's unknown and thus unnerving, as are all the other thoughts going round in your mind. I do sympathise, the unknown is frightening: but when you know more, there will be less to fear.

Please don't imagine you will be 'blowing your son's world apart'... this is catastrophic thinking, and it's not really true. He is still learning about the world. Everything is new to him, and at this young age, whilst he might be puzzled for a day or so, he will adapt faster than you will.

Far better that he faces some new things than continue to watch his lovely mother being treated so cruelly.

Wishing you luck and strength Oddsox...

Spero Wed 23-Jan-13 17:38:06

yes you can! I did it and have never for a moment regretted it. Even if I never have a relationship again, I will look back on my life and know I did the right thing. In fact my only regret is not doing it sooner but I think you have to know you tried when there are children involved. And it sounds like you have certainly tried. Enough is enough.

calypso2008 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:41:11

Good Luck Oddsox you sound strong and you have made up your mind - brilliant. Thinking of you.

colditz Wed 23-Jan-13 17:46:41

Just noticed your son is five.

To be honest, unless his dad makes a massive fuss, he's not going to notice or care. Big up his new bedroom or whatever. If the boy had a nice father, he might be upset at leaving him, but honestly, I've watched a lot of my friends split with partners over the years, and the kids reaction is a lot to do with how the parents were before and how they behave now.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied

This.

sparklyjumper Wed 23-Jan-13 17:55:31

I'm really sorry about your parents.

You will absolutely be so much happier without him, leaving will be an upheaval but more so for you than your ds so please don't worry too much about him, but once you've taken the plunge and settled somewhere I'm so sure that you will end up feeling really free and happy.

I'm really glad that you've got some friends to support you. I truly believe that children are far happier just to be in a happy, calm settled environment more than anything else and that doesn't have to be a bigger house or two parents together.

Also, Beckett, if your son is five, he will simply take his lead from you.

I'm so, so sorry to hear about the life you have been leading.

And I really am glad to hear about the new life you are going to have. It's going to be totally liberating! Excellent that you are excited. You should be.

How wonderful that your mum is able to help you, by remaining in your heart and telling you to be happy. It makes me feel that although you have lost her, she actually stays with you forever, because of who she was to you, because you are a part of her, because you come from her, and because she meant so much to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 18:00:43

" I can really do this cant I!!!!!"

Once you've got rid of the millstone around your neck you'll fly....

Oh Oddsox I'm so sorry, I called you by the wrong name before. blush Really sorry about that, am not sure how that happened. Human error.

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 18:03:48

Thankyou. This is what I keep telling myself, I'd rather actually be alone than be with someone and feel so empty and alone. I was talking to a friend the other day whose mum was and still is in an EA relationship and everything I told her about mine was pretty much exactly how her step dad is with her mum.

One thing that keeps popping up in my mind is how my H over the years have tried to get me to quit my job completely (so I could be a "lady of leisure") and how he's always tried to get me to move away from everyone, on the pretence of a wonderful life by the coast.....! Thank god I did neither!!! I may not earn much anymore but I work, it's mine, he can't as it from me, and I live surrounded by wonderful friends who I am going to need now more than ever.

My friend said her stepdad had used the "lets move by the coast" line on her mum several times over the years too.....I wonder if this is a classic line used by men like these?

something2say Wed 23-Jan-13 18:07:28

You are absolutely definitely going to be alright and it isn't going to take very long either.

Do not hate yourself for anything ever, least of all for taking this decision. Yes it is sad to split your son from his Dad but really is he going to see him much less? He is going to really improve when his Mum is happy, you mark my words.

You sound like a lovely, warm,, sensible decent woman who unfortunately got involved with a bad one, but soon his darkness will be gone, and also it will be spring when it all happens and that will be like your life lifting off into the sunshine.

Post back in 6 months (when this thread is over of course) if you like, as I would love to know how you get on.

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 18:07:52

Scarlet woman, I knew you meant me. XxxX

And thank you, I do truly feel like my mum is next to me holding my hand on this.

X

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 18:09:47

Something2say thank you. I always thought I was so strong, but I haven't been for a while, I'm getting there....and I'm determined.

I promise I will keep you all updated, I want my happy ever after and I will definitely share it when I get there xxx

AnyFucker Germany Wed 23-Jan-13 18:10:40

Yes, you will be ok and after all the dust has settled you will be great

I am very sorry about your parents x

something2say Wed 23-Jan-13 18:12:09

I think as well, while everyone is gathered round on the matter, we all need two things in life -
1) friends we can run to 2am, in need, and we need to be that sort of friend ourselves too...
2) and we need money in our own name and to bear this need in mind until we have around five grand in our own name. Children or not, the govt and men don't seem to be taking care of us in the way we know we need to be safe, so we have to do some of that ourselves.

Well done for insisting on your own job.

Spero Wed 23-Jan-13 18:14:16

amen

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 18:15:49

Yes you're right something2say, I have both thank goodness.

I guess I will find out more at the solicitors but ref the house, it's a joint mortgage, he's refusing to leave so that means no other choice but to sell. Do I have to say here whilst its up for sale? I guess I do as I'm on the mortgage....

X

TweedSlacks Wed 23-Jan-13 18:22:31

Yes, You WILL be happier far away from this man.
Buying you expensive gifts is meaningless if followed by years of verbal abuse.
Be prepared for battle , plan now what to do if you have to leave the house pronto. Photograph or copy bank statements , share certificates , pension statements . You might need them in the future . Passports , vehicle docs etc either in a grab bag or somewhere safe .

He does sound like a horrible abusive nasty man tbh and i think you will be well rid.

sad 54 and 55 is too young .

something2say Wed 23-Jan-13 18:25:26

If you have to live together during the division of assets, here are some tips.

1) Turn your bedroom into your own living room for those few months. Laptop, TV, lock on door, private papers and belongings (if not out of the house). Lots of long baths and early nights either in your room or out with friends.
2) Gently and with conversation, detach yourself from doing his cooking and laundry.
3) Try to get in the habit of him doing regular childcare, altho from what you've said this may be tough. But if poss agree Sun afternoons, and you stick to it and go out. Otherwise don't expect any favours from him whatsoever as he may enjoy letting you down.
4) See a lot more of your friends. Cultivate support. It will be your freedom and fun.
5) Save your money.
6) Get a book and start working out what you are going to do next. Everything, every wonderful idea, no matter how long it may take you to get there. Welcome to your new life.
7) Avoid him wherever possible. If he chats shit, let it wash over you. Keep safe. You are never going to convince him he is wrong so don't even bother trying. Don't respond to him. It may be a long time you have to live together. Don't let him upset you, and you are going to have to be the one to ensure this, as he may wish to....

xxDebstarxx Wed 23-Jan-13 18:36:01

Hi Oddsox2

You definitely WILL be happier on your own and you CAN do this! Just get through each day and the next will be that bit easier. When I split with my ex-husband I made sure I did at least one important task every day and you soon get through everything you need to do. If you make lists you have the satisfaction of crossing things off when you've done them - simple things like that helped keep me going.

Oh and if you ever have any doubts come back and read your OP on here and you will soon remember why you are doing this!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 19:23:12

"I wonder if this is a classic line used by men like these?"

Isolating their victims is a pretty common abuse tactic. Moving home away from support networks, withdrawing access to transport (or not allowing someone to drive), upsetting friends & family so much they stop visiting, making someone financially vulnerable by telling them to quit work or making them have lots of children. Some techniques are more subtle than others but the net effect is always the same.... you end up utterly dependent and trapped, well away from anyone that can help you.

SorryMyLollipop Wed 23-Jan-13 19:49:01

You will be so much happier. I dumped my STBXH nearly a year ago and it's tough being a single mum but much easier than living with him.

Well done for making your decision. When you get through this you will feel so proud of yourself xx

Hassled Wed 23-Jan-13 19:54:56

You sound incredibly strong, and I'm absolutely sure you have the courage to see this through. I'm not that much younger than your Mum was and I have an adult DD - and yes, you're absolutely right, she'd be telling you to leave and be happy. That's all she'd want - that you are happy. The very best of luck.

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 20:11:34

Thank you Hassled, that means a lot xx

mammadiggingdeep Wed 23-Jan-13 20:44:56

Have shed a tear reading your post sad

You will, without a doubt, be far better off alone than living the life you have been. You will flourish and be able to see your child develop and thrive in a loving, safe and secure environment.

If you have any wobble, think of your mum. Sending a massive hug and want you to know I'm rooting for you.
All the luck in the world. Go for it xx

Wereonourway Wed 23-Jan-13 21:11:58

Just wanted to add my best wishes op, you do sound incredibly strong and determined. Much more so than I was when leaving my ea ex.
You have had a truly horrendous time, I cannot imagine how it feels to lose both parents at such a young age whilst living with a monster like that must have been unbearable.
I hope their memory lives on and gives you the courage to see this through, I must say just reading your posts show your strength and conviction.
Good luck, wishing you the very very best

HugeLaurie Wed 23-Jan-13 21:19:49

I left my ex seven years ago. I moved out of the matrimonial home and rented somewhere. I still got most of the money from the house when it was sold and we divorced.

He abused me emotionally and physically. And sometimes a couple of years would go past between the violent incidents, so please be careful.

Leaving him was the best thing I have ever done for my son. We haven't got much but we live in a calm house with no abuse and that is priceless.

You are doing the right thing. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than go through that hell again. Your son will be ok because he has a strong mother. You are strong because he hasn't broken you. You went through all of that and you are still here and doing the best you can for your child. You can do this.

Hissy Brazil Wed 23-Jan-13 21:25:18

How could your life be any harder my love? Seriously! Look at how terrible it is right now! Anything you do will make a massive impact.

You are so young, i'm 11 years older, and ended my abusive relationship 2 years ago, more or less.

I thought I'd never rebuild my life, was determined not to in some respects to begin with, but bit by bit, working heard to undo the damage he did to my and my then 5yo ds, we're happier and healthier than ever before.

I can't tell you how wonderful life is and will be for you. There are simply no words to describe how flipping marvellous life is, with normal people.

So forward Sox, you can do this. You OWE this to yourself, to your son.

All I ask is that you never remove anything from the table for yourself, keep all options open for the future. Observe normal people and learn from them. Do the freedom programme, do counselling, find groups, read books, ask questions on here. Join the Emotional Abuse support thread here! With all this effort you will ensure that you never ever fall for this stuff again, that you show your ds how to be a man, a real one, not an abuser.

I did this, many, many of us here did this. You too can do this. You're not alone now, you're one of us.

MidnightMasquerader Wed 23-Jan-13 21:59:28

You're not about to blow your son's world apart; you're about to save him. Literally and metaphorically. This is the best possible thing you can do for your son. And needless to say, for yourself as well.

I'm so sorry about your parents. What a horrendous thing to lose them both so young, and to go through this without them. It just goes to show how strong you actually are.

Whatshappenedtous Wed 23-Jan-13 22:20:14

Wow you have so much strength to finally get up and leave no matter how late it is. I have NC but if people can guess I'm from a awful relationship with a huge background that I occasionally post on here only to receive the same replies that I should leave but the truth is I daren't and its hard. I envy you I really do. Good luck in your well earned future life, you will go on to have many a good years and grin smile you deserve it x

ILikeToClean Wed 23-Jan-13 22:37:19

I'm not going to give you advice as you have had tons of amazing advice from all the other wonderful posters on here, but just wanted to lend my support and wish you all the best, you are so going to be FINE!! I lost my parents at 53 and 59 so know it's hard not to have that "safety net" but in a weird way that might have given you inner strength as you've survived that already, iyswim. You are lucky to have fab friends and your son to keep you strong, take care, good luck and let us know how you get on smile

Oddsox2 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:38:31

I am truly overwhelmed by your replies. It only adds to the determination I know have to do this. I can and will do this. Thankyou to everyone telling me there's a wonderful life out there waiting or me.

I have been with this man for 11 years and I struggle to understand what is normal in terms of a relationship and what isn't. Although my lovely friends are very quick to point out what s not normal and I'm grateful fr that.

I know I will be guarded for a long time, but I'm going to fix myself and be happy for me and my beautiful boy who makes e carry on.

X

Well done oddsox, keep going!

Anniegetyourgun Thu 24-Jan-13 10:58:13

What is going to "blow apart" anyway? Currently, unless he's up at midnight, your son must only see his father on Sundays, and even then he's not a joyous person to be around. Basically, then, this blowing apart of his world will consist of... moving house. That happens to quite a lot of children and they do survive it!

So sorry about your parents (I'm older now than my mother was when she died, and she was lovely too). Think of it as the baton passing to the next generation. You're the parent now.

PartTimeModel Thu 24-Jan-13 16:41:50

You can do this and it will feel AMAZING to be free from this horrible regime you are living under. You aren't about to blow apart yours sons world - you are about to show him a whole wonderful new side to life he isn't experiencing at the moment. If it is this awful for you to live under these conditions,. it will also be dreadful for your DS.

Keep the faith! You can do it! Keep posting here - these people are amazing.

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