Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He can't love me can he? Gutted at the realization that I have to finish it

(51 Posts)
CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:16:17

Yes I've posted about him already but please bare with me because I'm absolutely gutted here. I've never felt so strongly about anyone before and I've tried to push the obvious out of my head and ignore it but I know I have to finish it before he drives me insane and wrecks my career and everything else.

So we've been together just over 6 months. In that time he has blown hot and cold on me, joined a dating site and messaged numerous women asking for meet ups, went to a festival and lied about having spent it with a group of teenage (18/19 year old) girls sharing tents and smoking pot together etc. He lied to my face when I caught him out with the dating sites, finally admitted it but said he didn't know if he was ready for a long term relationship with me - something he'd told me he wanted for the whole 6 months we've been together. He somehow managed to talk me around and convince me that it WAS a long term relationship he wanted - first few weeks after were great and then the hot/cold shit started up again. Any excuse to throw doubt at me and make me paranoid and self concious, don't know if he does it on purpose or what but he manages to make me constantly question whether I'm about to be dumped and it drives me insane.

I know he feels that he's superior to me. He won't let me meet his kids despite being fully involved in my children's lives (yes a mistake on my part, I get it) and for the past couple of days has turned away from me when I go to kiss him or hug him yet he tells me everything is fine.

He tells me he loves me but he can't do can he? you wouldn't treat someone like this if you loved them. Last night my son got him to fix up a bike that he didn't bother using this morning - I can understand him being pissed off about wasting his time but how has he reacted? by snapping at me this morning and ignoring me all day since.

I know for my own sanity I have to finish it but despite everything I do love him and I don't know why. Why have I ended up loving such a headfuck?

Also, any tips on going cold turkey? I'm going to miss him.

chubbychipmonk Wed 23-Jan-13 13:19:29

Tip on going cold turkey? . . . Re read what you've just written!

Then keep reading it & realise that you've wasted enough of your time & energy on someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck.

Turn your love & affection to your son & tell this wanker where to go!

I genuinely don't understand how anyone could love someone when they treat them like that. If someone treated me that way, I'd fall out of love with them surprisingly quickly.

tribpot Wed 23-Jan-13 13:22:48

I am astounded you even feel the need to ask whether he loves you. It seems fairly clearly he doesn't even like you, and frankly he epitomises the expression 'with friends like these, who needs enemies?'

He sounds absolutely dire, and very, very bad news for you and your children.

Spend the extra time you will have once he's gone on getting yourself some decent counselling to see if you can find out what's led your self-esteem to be so low you would accept this appalling behaviour and call it 'love'. You deserve a great deal more than this.

ErikNorseman Wed 23-Jan-13 13:26:11

You have had this advice already, ad infinitum. Yes, you need to end it, no, he doesn't love you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 13:27:05

"despite everything I do love him and I don't know why"

You desperately want something/someone to love, he seems to fit two-thirds of the bill, and you've been papering over the very obvious cracks in the other third, hoping that if you didn't think about it too much you could convince yourself it's all OK and nothing to worry about. We've all done it.

I guarantee that when you let this man go you'll feel an empty space in your life for a while until the next person comes along. The lesson to learn from the experience is to be a lot fussier where you dispense your love, much more choosy about you allow to move in with your family and a lot more critical and quick to act if anything seems to be wrong.

porridgeLover Wed 23-Jan-13 13:27:22

Doesn't sound like love to me....more like the addiction of an unhealthy attachment.
As above, you might benefit from counselling and time spent looking at what you learned about love in your own family/parent's relationship.

He is behaving appallingly. Dont let it continue. You are better than this and deserve to be treated properly. Not least, valued by yourself.

Be honest with your own self; did you see this person as some poor damaged soul that you thought you could rescue and or save from his own self by loving him?. Did you see him as a project to rescue and or save from himself?.

You know you need to finish with him for your own sake and once contact ceases you cannot let him back in under any pretext. If he does not accept that the relationship is over then you may well have to use the police and legal means to get him to back off.

Also you do not want to be the architect of your own self destruction here, he seems quite happy to drag you (and by turn your children) down with him into his pit.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what was your parents marriage like?. All that as well needs your consideration because chances are you learnt a lot of damaging stuff that is being played out now. You need to "unlearn" all of that.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood as well as having counselling.

Branleuse Wed 23-Jan-13 13:30:39

dump the man child. You can do better

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 13:31:18

FGS, what are you still doing with this odious piece of gobshite?

Of course you don't love him. You barely know him and what you know of him is unloveable.

Cold turkey? You need a cold shower and a cold hard look at why you let this dickhead into your home and into the lives of your dc.

Please make this your last post on the subject of him and make your next one about you.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 13:33:49

Oh my god!

I know I posted on your other thread, but seriously, I had no idea about any of this!

He does not love you.

I know that you are reading all of this and thinking "I know, I know what it looks like" and there's a little voice in the back of your head saying "but... these women don't know him, these women are just strangers on the internet, these women don't have to live with the decision"

And all of that is true, but seriously, read your OP again and imagine it is me tell you this about my boyfriend.

What would your advice to me be?

CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:35:00

When we first got together he was fun, energetic, full of compliments and ideas, he WANTED to be with me - he was the one that did the chasing. I had my guard up for a while because I could see myself falling for him and was terrified of being hurt but once I let that guard down, he changed sad All of a sudden it was me doing to chasing, it was him saying he were moving too fast (despite being the one saying he wanted to move things on). He started with the passive aggressive shit, saying I'd said things when I hadn't. Perfect example -

A few months ago -

him: "If we lived together we'd need a room specifically for my boys, it worries me the thought of them having to sleep on temp beds in the living room"
me: "oh god yeah, that would never work, of course they need their own beds and their own space".

2 weeks ago -

him: "I remember when we had that discussion about living together and you seemed surprised that I didn't want my kids sleeping in the living room, you seemed to think they'd be fine sleeping on bean bags"
me: "what??? that is totally unfair, I never suggested anything like that!"
him: "you did, you don't realise it but that's how it came across"

I know enough about psychology to recognise gaslighting when I see it. Shame I can't recognise my own mental health issues.

AgathaF Wed 23-Jan-13 13:36:02

What are you going to miss exactly?

His bad moods?
Him messing around with other women, or trying to?
Him blowing hot and cold?
Him being a pain in the arse around your dc?
Him excluding you from his life (kids)?

You are in love with a fantasy figure that doesn't exist.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 13:36:47

Well end it then.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 13:39:03

"When we first got together he was fun, energetic, full of compliments and ideas, he WANTED to be with me - he was the one that did the chasing."

Isn't that how most relationships start? Enthusiastic dating.. everyone on best behaviour... flattery... fun? That's why commonsense says to give it plenty of time rather than just a few weeks before you can judge whether it's going to be long-term or not. Certainly don't have someone moving into your home five days a week before you've had chance for the 'real them' to come through hmm

DogEgg Wed 23-Jan-13 13:39:44

Caffiene - this isn't love. Love is kind, warm, generous and consistent. It makes you feel safe and better about yourself.

In our short replies us MNetters are showing you more love than this man has or ever will. He is hurting you, manipulating you and he keeps doing that.

This nasty man sounds like a narcissist. Google it and see if you recognise him. If you do get out now and go cold turkey whatever it takes. The pain of cold turkey will be less and over more quickly than the pain of staying an loving a narcissist.

Please read again what tribpot had to say above - she is talking good sense.

tribpot Wed 23-Jan-13 13:42:03

when we first got together he was fun, energetic, full of compliments and ideas, he WANTED to be with me

Yes - because you have to bait the trap. Of course he said that - how else would have he got to you? That doesn't make it true, it just makes him skilled at what he does.

You have no meaningful relationship with this person. He plays with your emotions for his own amusement. If you needed any further incentive, think what a dreadful example this is setting to your son.

ResolutelyCheeky Wed 23-Jan-13 13:54:22

"If it doesn't feel good, what are you doing it for?" Ring any bells?

mentlejen Wed 23-Jan-13 13:58:01

Do you think you're starting a new thread on it because on some level you're in denial? Did a small part of you hope the advice would be different?

I'm not saying this unkindly, but sometimes it's easier to hear the truth when it's said plainly.

He doesn't love you.

He isn't going to change.

Your 'love' for him is a reflection of low self esteem and a great (and very normal) desire to be loved. It's also about the fear of being on your own again.

Stay in this relationship and the main thing that will happen is that your self esteem will get poorer and poorer and eventually evaporate entirely. That means going that 'cold turkey' will only get harder the longer you wait.

You're in danger of becoming like a kicked dog who is inordinately pleased about the infrequent and brief moments of affection shown to it by the master who kicks it, purely because that kindness is rare and is lit up against a background of cruelty.

You're worth more. Much more.

To boot - your son may be learning a few unhelpful things by watching your relationship, things you wouldn't want him to learn about how people who love each other should treat each other.

Take a deep breath and do what is best for you and your son: get rid. You can do it and your future will be infinitely better for doing it. Even if it doesn't feel like that right now..

DogEgg Wed 23-Jan-13 14:04:10

I am the daughter of two narcissists.........it's taken me to the age of 48 to even start the recovery process...don't put your son through this.

CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 14:19:01

My mother is a narcasist and I suppose my partner does fit the bill in some areas too - although he's not aggressive/shouty/quick tempered which I've come to associate with narcassists but he does become OBSESSED with negative stuff.

For example a few days ago he had a few spots develop on his belly - well you would have thought he'd been diagnosed with some life threatning illness, he went in a major strop over it, kept saying he was "riddled with spots", "what the hell is wrong with me? I obviously have something majorly wrong with me", "everything is so shit, everything is going wrong" etc etc and I was like "christ you have a couple of spots!! you're really over-reacting" and then I get accussed of being heartless and not caring.

He invents problems for his kids too. He picks them up and starts on at them about "you know I love you, but your mum and me won't be getting back together but I'll always love you .... " and the poor kids hadn't even mentioned it yet get attacked with a bucket of emotion as soon as they step foot in the car.

He constantly obsesses over non-issues. This has made me wonder if a part of this manifesters itself in him looking for problems in the relationship to whinge about too. He's not happy unless he has something to worry about.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 14:25:17

I remember him. The one laying the big heavy emotional number on his own children..... nice. They must think their Dad is an utter tosser.

DogEgg Wed 23-Jan-13 14:33:06

Only the child of a narcissist would have been well groomed enough to recognise the signs, use terms like "gaslighting" and still want to visit this shit on themselves.

Only a narcissist would recognise someone bred to have sufficient low self esteem to accept this kind of shit and then exploit the situation.

Other posters here have written stuff like "FGS, what are you still doing with this odious piece of gobshite?" . It's because you've been trained to expect and accept being treated so badly.

If he's not doing the aggressive/shouty/quicktempered shit yet, it's just because he's not got to that part of his repertoire.

I urge you to get some help and get away from him OP.

CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 14:41:22

Thanks for your understanding DogEgg.

I've seen signs of the aggression, little snippets. For example he was telling me something the other night and I heard a noise and looked away for a minute, he said "I hope you're bloody listening" - he's said similar before when he thinks I'm not listening to him.

He gets a bit "louder" after a drink too so I know it's in him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 14:43:03

So what are you going to do, starting now, to get this man out of your life?

LengLogs Wed 23-Jan-13 14:44:37

Look OP, this has been going on for months. Always the same thing, always the same advice.

What do you do? Ignore what is said and introduce him to your DC.

Then start more threads. Come on now, a few times a day and throughout the week. You are becoming pathetic and people will lose sympathy.

No doubt you will ignore this again, then repeat the same later or in a day or so.

Why don't you look at your behaviour instead of focusing on him.

You introduced him to your DC after all these red flags that have been there after a few weeks.

What is the matter with you?

^This

DogEgg Wed 23-Jan-13 15:03:14

Picture the future - you're at home with your son when this man comes home drunk and "louder". He starts on at your little lad with "a bucket of emotion." Your son is distracted by the TV or his toys and this man lunges at him snarling "I hope you're bloody listening."

What do you then OP?

Your son is cowering scared and this man is standing over you both angry and terrifying. He feels superior to you, he has no respect for you and knows he can treat you as badly as he likes and you lie back and take it.

You won't be able to do anything then. But you can now.

sparklyjumper Wed 23-Jan-13 15:55:14

Hi op, was reading this and I just had to reply. Because you sound like me.

I haven't read your other threads will later when I've got more time.

It was just over a year in when I realised my ex was a dickhead, but at first it was 'little' things and I made excuses and papered over the cracks. But almost four years on I'm still on the merry go round and it's a lot harder to get off after all that time and I would hate for anyone else to end up feeling like I have.

A few things jumped out at me, the way your boyfriend has got so involved in your life but hasn't allowed you to get involved in his, the way he 'gaslights' which is something new I've learnt but something my ex did all the time, the way you say he gets obsessed with focusing on any little negative he can find, does it almost drag you down and make you feel awful about things that you don't even see as an issue? The way you are creating multiple posts and giving loads of examples of things he does as though you're almost hoping someone will see one bit of good in him, or tell you what's wrong with him so that maybe you can 'fix' him. The hot and cold, the dating sites, making you wonder if you're actually going mad.

And I agree with what Folkgirl says, no matter how many people say you need to end it, and 'he doesn't love you' which hurts, you know the nice bits, the nice little words and actions which are the ones that make you hang on. And I'm sure you're very confused because when you first met he made a load of promises and treated you wonderfully, so you're waiting for that nice man to come back. But do you really want to be still waiting in 4 years time?

It doesn't even matter whether he 'loves' you or not, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, maybe he's not capable of real love, but it's certainly not the type of love anyone would want. You can't fix him and mould him into the man you want him to be and the more you try you will only end up tearing yourself to pieces and even making yourself ill.

sparklyjumper Wed 23-Jan-13 16:19:30

Just read your first thread and my gosh you could be writing about my ex, the questioning the entire 'relationship' over one small thing. Which then results in you being on tenderhooks wondering if it's over or not or if they're going to be in a mood or not or giving you the silent treatment.

I don't want to hyjack your thread but I could give you so many examples of similiar behaviour and it's really just not worth your sanity. Just get out now before he gets worse and you get more attached.

kateissotired Wed 23-Jan-13 16:21:53

I think that you should ask yourself if you love him, as this is the main consideration here. You are holding onto the nice version of him at the start of a relationship, but now he is losing interest and being cruel in the process. You might be changing to a way that is accomodating him but in doing this are changing from the person that you are which ruins your self respect and self esteem. The nice him has now gone and the person who has replaced him is not good for you or your child to be around. By all means mourn for what might have been, but end the relationship, focus on you again, put yourself at the top of your own list and maybe set some personal goals (5k run, new course etc) and in doing this you will become stronger and get some self worth back. He is eroding your confidence and making you profoundly upset. It is hard to cut contact but put yourself in 4 months or 4 years time, if you are still with this man, you will still be upset. it is hard, but have faith that you are worth more.

You've posted a ridiculous number of threads about this wanker and received the same advice over and over again.

He doesn't love you.

Scrape up the remainder of your self esteem and get rid of him.

And then invest in some counselling for yourself, to discover why you've not only put up with this shit. While you're at it, have a think about why you've persistently ignored the good, solid, consistent advice you've been given repeatedly on here.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Wed 23-Jan-13 17:43:39

I've never felt so strongly about anyone before
Are you serious? Really?
I dont believe you love him. Bin it. Get some professional help.
I echo the above poster and re-read everything you have written. Do you want to bring someone like this into the lives of your kids let alone your life?

TheProvincialLady Wed 23-Jan-13 17:57:17

An adult chooses NOT to allow pot head, 18 year old girl chasing losers into their children's lives. Never mind your so called relationship with this tosser, have a good think about why you have done that and are continuing to do so.

AnyFucker Wed 23-Jan-13 18:04:33

No he doesn't

Yes you do

The End.

Allthenamesiwantaretaken Wed 23-Jan-13 18:07:26

Nothing left to be said. He is a total dick and a total drain on your life. Rather than bleating on about him (meant in the nicest possible way) you need to take action, this will make you feel stronger straight away. I can really recomend the valenswines recovery plan, www.valenswines.com which is a 90 day plan designed to get you over someone and feeling good about yourself again.

expatinscotland Wed 23-Jan-13 18:10:36

He doesn't love you. That's how it goes sometimes. You need to move on.

expatinscotland Wed 23-Jan-13 18:12:05

I seriously feel for your kids, too. You need to move on and take a long break from dating and relationships to work on yourself, your self-esteem, your relationship with your kids instead of picking another wanker.

something2say Wed 23-Jan-13 18:17:03

My best advice to you is to live up, at this very moment.

What I mean by 'live up' it to look up to the greatest wisest woman you have ever conceived and ask her about her ability to see what is true, and her trust that more of life comes along when we let go, in fact especially when we let go.

I think you need to let him go and accept that he isn't for you, quickly simply and completely. Gather your cloak about you and start again elsewhere. There is always another man my dear x Look in your heart and then act on it and don't ask questions.

springyhope Wed 23-Jan-13 18:24:06

He's a complete and utter wanker, a total headfuck, end to end.

Genuinely, what do you want to hear from posters? You are addicted yet want to talk about it, endlessly. If you have no regard for yourself then I suppose ok, but what about your children? You can have no notion at all of the horrific damage relationships like this do to kids. I've spend Ks on therapy and will probably spend Ks more because of being exposed to a shit relationship when I was growing up. The pain in my life has been monumental, I have to work extremely hard sometimes just to keep my head above water. Do you want that for your kids? Make no mistake , this is what will happen to them. It's not russian roulette, it's a given: they repeat the patterns.

But you are experiencing the agony and dysfunction of a disordered childhood and are hopelessly caught in a truly gruesome net with a cruel and spiteful shit, whom you insist you 'love'. He is pressing all your damaged buttons and you're probably hoping that 'this time', you'll get the love you should have had when you were a kid. You're not going to get it 'this time', he is not going to change, he will become more and more cruel - unbelievably cruel, nothing will stop him, he will use anything.

Do you want this sad, sorry life for your kids?

You have to do the work. It's a lot of work and it takes a long time, but it's worth it. If you don't do the work you will continue to welcome shits like this into your life, further damaging your kids. Have a look at codependence and look for a group near you. Do the Freedom Programme , read the books - all the books, Women Who Love Too Much, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

You have to put the work in, you won't magically get free.

aleene Wed 23-Jan-13 18:56:20

This relationship sounds exhausing, disrespectful (to you and most likely your children) and unhealthy.

You will feel SO MUCH BETTER when it is over.

What are you going to do?

If you carry on with it, you have to face the possibility that you are somehow addicted to the drama that this kind of relationship brings. IMO.

DragonMamma Wed 23-Jan-13 19:07:52

Why does this sound very familiar? Is this the woman who posted obsessively about the Facebook tagging thing?

Either way, having read your other posts I would say you seriously need to LTB. You've wasted at least 5 months out of those 6. Nobody should take up this much headspace.

And when you've got rid I would seriously consider some counselling for whatever issues have led you to cling on to such a waster and post endlessly online, not listening to an iota of great advice you're given

kateissotired Wed 23-Jan-13 19:07:58

It has only been six months, I do not want to take the attachment away but think about how you were six months ago, I bet you felt much stronger than this and you can feel that again. Take some power back, for you and you child. This means you can own your own feelings again and have some autonomy in your own life which is good for you and incredibly healthy for your child. You can do this, and more importantly, should do this.

LengLogs Wed 23-Jan-13 19:12:23

As I said on OP's other thread she has running today, I'm starting to doubt he is the problem. I think it is the OP tbh.

You sound exhausting. If your constant threads are anything to go by, he's probably getting fed up with the constant reassuring and neediness.

It's only been six months, you are too intense.

PatriciaHolm Wed 23-Jan-13 19:22:42

What do you want people to say that hasn't been said many times before, and you have ignored? What will make any difference?

ThereGoesTheYear Wed 23-Jan-13 19:30:09

He sounds utterly vile. He's filling a space in your life that he doesn't deserve. I'd advise you to get rid of him, get some therapy, and when you've figured out why you settled for so little, you'll have room in your life for a partner who actually enhances your life.

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 21:41:23

No he doesn't

Yes you do

The End.

Following on from the gospel according to AF, the book of izzyin has it that

Lo, there was a plague upon the land his belly, and the harpies of mumsnet OP sayeth unto him fuck off taketh thou pox ridden body and cleanse it in the waters of the red or dead sea and do not darkeneth the door of my adobe again Jose for thou art deceased to me.

And he fucketh off went and cameth not back for fear of getting another toe up his arse being turneth into the piece of piss pillar of salt he ith.

The End

He invents problems for his kids too? O yeah? Given that you haven't met them, you know this how?

dequoisagitil Wed 23-Jan-13 21:52:09

You don't love him, it is pure adrenalin & mind-fuckery. You got into this because your narc mother trained you to have no self-esteem & expect shit treatment.

Time to step away from the merry-go-round, have therapy and reset your boundaries.

OneMoreGo Wed 23-Jan-13 23:17:38

Pleeeeeease stop posting on different threads! It is doing my head in. I read the OP and then slowly the realization dawns - that it's you. Again. Have reported your other one today to MN because it's getting daft now.

Sunnywithshowers Wed 23-Jan-13 23:55:05

LTB. And as others have said, please stop posting endless threads.

LineRunner Thu 24-Jan-13 00:28:41

I think he is your first proper boyfriend, right?

Make sure he's the last one that is a knobber. Please. Dump and move on and think more about yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now