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Why does he do this?

(43 Posts)
Bathtubbubbles Wed 23-Jan-13 11:09:16

Every time my 10m DD has an unsettled night, my DH seems to lose it with me. This ranges from him shouting at me 'for being in a mood' or to stop crying.

She's teething so some nights she is up a few times. I always deal with her as she won't be comforted with anyone else at the moment.

Recently he told me I was a 'fucking martyr' and loved wallowing in misery, and to fuck off out of his sight.
Next day all flowers and sorry.

Last night he said I was clearly very unhappy and always looked fucking miserable. Well you show me someone up with a cross baby at 4am who is full of joy.

The thing is, I don't agree. I get down sometimes like everyone does, but on the whole I try my best. I don't think I'm a martyr as I don't wallow in silence and if I'm overly snappy then I haven't noticed.

This mostly happens when DD wakes him up so I'm suspicious of his motives.

If I say I am tired he snaps 'well I'm tired too'. I tried to explain me saying I'm tired is not a dig at him ffs.

He wants me to see a GP and thinks I'm depressed. Ironically it's him that's getting me down. I don't think I have depression.

I argue back with him and tell him he's wrong but he won't listen and just swears. If anyone needs help it's him as he is insecure and has no insight.

Why is he doing this? I'm exhausted. He does fuck all around the house and bare minimum with DD.

I asked him if he wants to leave and he yelled that I was fucking melodramatic. I can't win.

Thanks Mumsnet.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 23-Jan-13 11:17:24

I'm so sorry you're living like this.

Short answer: because he wants to, he can, and it serves him well.

Longer answer here:

Why does he do that?

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 11:20:16

Bathtub he is being vile and abusive towards you. tell him you are unhappy and miserable because of the way he is treating you. your dd will pick up on this aswell and be upset. do you want her to grow up thinking the way her father talks and treats her mother is acceptable. he has issues and needs help.

MarilynValentine Wed 23-Jan-13 11:22:57

God he sounds appalling. Give me a baby waking hourly through the night rather than a nasty bully like him to deal with, any day.

He does it because he's a prick, in answer to your question.

What was he like pre-DC? Maybe because you weren't exhausted all the time you could 'handle' his unreasonable moods better?

It's not ok for him to be treating you like this. Every couple argues when sleep-deprivation occurs (I know DH and I did!) but what you've described is far worse and nastier than just tired grumpy bickering. Especially since he doesn't even get up in the night so doesn't have tiredness as an excuse!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 11:29:56

He's hitting you when you're down... metaphorically speaking. Picking on someone when they are tired and at their most vulnerable is bullying, pure and simple. Verbal abuse is not acceptable under any circumstances. I think the question is not whether he wants to leave but when you want him to leave... he sounds horrible.

Whocansay Wed 23-Jan-13 11:36:01

Do you have any supportive family that you can stay with for a bit? I think you could do with some help and some time to think.

But yes, he is being unkind (to say the least) and is a bully.

Bathtubbubbles Wed 23-Jan-13 11:36:15

He wasn't as bad pre DC, though had his moments. He's been intermittently vile since she was born.

I did love him but now I'm not so sure. I think he killed off any love. I look at him sometimes and just feel loathing. Confronting him is futile as he won't see my point of view and just yells. It's exhausting and frustrating.

He puts on a big show for his family. When I first met them his SIL said 'we all wonder how he got you'. I later found out he lived with parents until he was 35 and was basically very lonely and pitied by his family.

He's insecure and I think has some guilt about not helping much with DD and this is how it manifests.

If I am unhappy he is the cause.

Thank you for the advice.

Bathtubbubbles Wed 23-Jan-13 11:37:56

Family all OS so no one I can go to. His mum and dad nearby but if he strangled a cat his mum would blame the cat IYSWIM.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 11:39:41

Abusive behaviour in men often starts during the first pregnancy or after the arrival of the first child. Very common, sadly. He may be insecure but what he's feeling is not 'guilt'. Bullies are usually so self-absorbed and lacking in empathy that there's no place for guilt.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 11:42:43

"if he strangled a cat his mum would blame the cat IYSWIM"

A man with a very indulgent, excuse-making mother, living alone until age 35 and then turns out to be a selfish, nasty husband....? hmm Sounds like he expected you to be replacement mother, equally indulgent, equally forgiving of bad behaviour and his nose has been put out of joint because you're more concerned (quite normally) with your new baby.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 11:43:33

Sorry... living with parents until age 35. He's just one big clichee isn't he?

"I asked him if he wants to leave and he yelled that I was fucking melodramatic. I can't win. "

He does not actually get to decide this. You can win. Ask him to leave!

He is an abusive twat and your dc is not served well, by you allowing him to stay and treat you like this.

You dont need a gp. You will find any depression will disappear when he does.

dequoisagitil Wed 23-Jan-13 11:47:11

Yeah, it's usually a case of, before the pregnancy/baby arrives, you had lots of time to dance around, keeping his needs satisfied & preempting his moods and filling your mind with how to keep him happy.

Once you have a baby, your attention is divided and you don't have the time & energy (or patience) to devote to everything he wants, so the bully/abusive man has to step up his game.

MarilynValentine Wed 23-Jan-13 11:48:29

It almost sounds as if he concealed his real self from you until he 'got' you. A level of dishonesty there.

And now the stresses of parenthood (even though you are doing everything!) have made him unravel and he's become a bullying, aggressive, unpredictable adolescent. No wonder you feel loathing.

Do you have friends nearby? Someone to talk to?

Keep posting.

ChooChooLaverne Wed 23-Jan-13 11:51:01

Do you want him to leave? I would in your situation.

Bathtubbubbles Wed 23-Jan-13 11:52:39

I agree he is a bully.
If I had family to escape to I don't think it would be as bad.

How the hell can I afford to live in London as a single parent though?
I will be back at work part time in 8 weeks. We rent and its very expensive, nursery fees are enormous.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 11:53:36

You asked him if he wants to leave. He will tell you that he is leaving and will blame it all on you. Its his way of controlling you further with his abusive behaviour making you accept it more because you are vulnerable and tired.
He is jealous that you are now not at his beck and call, you are focusing on your dd which is fine.
Blokes like him don,t like strong women like you arguing back with him. The cat thing has a true meaning as his mum is submissive to his shit so he wants you to be the same. Don,t accept it you are worth more than that.

MarilynValentine Wed 23-Jan-13 12:01:41

Oof, I don't know, bathtub. But I know that people DO manage. And your partner/ex would have to contribute.

Maybe contact the CAB? If they can't help maybe they can direct you where to ask.

I'm sure someone will have some more practice advice for you..

MarilynValentine Wed 23-Jan-13 12:02:10

practical

ChooChooLaverne Wed 23-Jan-13 12:02:33

It is possible, even if it's not easy, to live in London as a single parent and you will get help with housing benefit, tax credits etc.

It might be worth going to your local CAB or contacting Gingerbread for advice:
gingerbread.org.uk

Gingerbread also have local groups run by single parents so it might be worth finding your local one and having a chat to some of the parents there to see how they manage and they arrange weekend meetups which are good to go to:
gingerbread.org.uk/content.aspx?CategoryID=438

Bathtubbubbles Wed 23-Jan-13 12:10:06

Thank you everyone.

You see, last night wasn't the worst by a long shot but for some reason it tipped me over the edge. He got up, I was in living room with DD, and started having a go before padding off back to bed. I felt consumed with hate.

The apology flowers from last week irritate me today.

I'm going to contact gingerbread

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 12:11:28

"How the hell can I afford to live in London as a single parent though?"

If you can bear to talk to a solicitor about your rights in the event of a divorce you'll find that your DH would remain financially responsible for your DC and probably yourself to a certain extent. He can go live back with his parents.... Mummy will be thrilled, I'm sure.

ChooChooLaverne Wed 23-Jan-13 12:11:49

I used to get apology flowers too, only they were never accompanied by an actual fucking apology!

Bathtubbubbles Wed 23-Jan-13 12:18:48

Ha, Cogito, mummy would, daddy not so much.
Apparently she cried when he moved out.

Choo, I'd prefer no flowers no apology, just decency. A hollow gesture do you think?

MarilynValentine Wed 23-Jan-13 12:22:54

Well daddy will cry when he moves back in then!

I think it's time the apology flowers found their way to the compost heap/bin grin

ChooChooLaverne Wed 23-Jan-13 12:28:13

Yes, it would be better to be with someone who doesn't act in a way that merits constant apologies - obviously we all make mistakes and it's right that we can apologise if justified.

But there is a big difference between that and behaving like a cunt then buying flowers as if that in someway excuses the behaviour. Especially when that behaviour is repeated ad nauseam.

opalescent Wed 23-Jan-13 12:42:31

My 'd'p does this too. Much more often since our baby arrived. Makes abrupt, outrageous statements about my mood or state of mind. Seems to pick them out of thin air, and then insists that he's right. 'you're depressed. I can tell. You have been for ages. You might have PND'. He 'tells' me how I feel and I hate it.
Not trying to hijack at all. Just saying that I understand how you may feel, as my p seems to have similar traits to yours. Exhausting isn't it, but so much more so with a lovely baby to protect from his draining moods.

Losingexcessweight Wed 23-Jan-13 12:53:43

Didnt want to read and run.

I have no idea why he does this, but it does sound like hes the one who needs to see the doctor, not you.

Has your dh always been like this?

pod3030 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:03:42

my ex p did this, all of what you are saying rings true for me- i did the dancing about anticipating his moods before dd was born, and he got more abusive and horrible once she was here and didnt get the attention he was used to. he is a man child. you would be well rid, as am i. i have breathed a sigh of relief and can see clearly for the first time in years. yes, it is hard, and scary financially, but it can be done. you owe it to yourself and dd.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 23-Jan-13 15:31:26

Exhausting isn't it, but so much more so with a lovely baby to protect from his draining moods.

You know you would be much less drained if you weren't living with this man anymore, right opalescent ? Happier baby too, if mum is happier too.

If I am unhappy he is the cause.

This says it all, really, bathtub. I understand the financial issue is huge worry, but you might feel less stressed about this whole situation once you know the facts about what you will be entitled to from the state and from your H in case of a split. Do speak to CAB or to a solicitor; get an idea of how you could manage on your own.

Susan2kids Wed 23-Jan-13 15:49:25

"I always deal with her as she won't be comforted with anyone else at the moment. " Can i ask who made this decision? I thought the same with my first an it took me some time to realise that I actually wasn't allowing my partner to deal with it. hence he was at the time rightly annoyed because I was insisting on doing it all myself. Unless its a breast feed issue your other half is equally capable of dealing and should be doing so or the child may become too dependant on you. Im not saying this IS the issue, i am attempting constructive responses based on the information given? Will he actually do this or is he insiting you do it?

Jux Wed 23-Jan-13 16:02:45

Call Women's Aid for a chat; be honest about what he is like.
Ask CAB what you'd be entitled to if you were to split up.

Then kick him out.

HecateWhoopass Wed 23-Jan-13 16:06:35

He is an arse.

If he feels guilty about not 'helping' with his child (I hate the idea that a parent 'helps' with their child!) then he could, erm, er, let me think, erm...

...'HELP'!!

Don't fall for that crap. He's not being an arse with you because he's feeling guilty that he chooses to not pull his weight with his infant daughter. He's being an arse full stop.

Probably because he feels reasonably confident that you've got nowhere to go. sad

Please prove him wrong.

ShephardsDelight Wed 23-Jan-13 16:08:59

I think the next time he does it tell him exactly how you feel, be calm honest and see how he reacts, it will tell you more than anything you need to know really.

shadesofwhite Wed 23-Jan-13 16:36:23

OP sorry you are going through this, I could have written your post! My DH is exactly as yours, we have a 14mnths old DD and she is at the peak of teathing and she is struggling to sleep and eat. D'H became an absolute nightmare and he'd been balming me and swearing at me, calling me names on how much I can't handle DD. Few weeks ago, he actually booked me an app with GP and when we went in he told the GP how depressed I am, un happy, moody(FFS DD is draining me and he's living the life of a single man!) well, I agreed I was miserable and took on some anti-D's. Who knew he'd beat the hell out of me just because I took an afternoon nap having been up all night,,mark you, I expected him to take over and feed DD and put her to bed. I was woken up with blows and got my hand twisted. I called the police, was arrested, released and is in his mothers comfortable home!--he lived with her till he was 30-- No doubt she is thrilled to have him cause she thinks her son is an Angel no matter what he does. I'm alone now with DD, getting plenty of support with SS, getting Councelling to come to terms with what happened. I couldn't be any happier even through DD is still teathing. Im a SAHM, and was totally dependant on the bastard,(more reasons why he abused me all round), we are married and I'm yet to seek legal advice so he can support us until I can stand on my two feet.
Sorry its long but I just wanted you to know you are not alone, and an abuser will alway be an abuser and most likely they tend to turn it around to make u feel guilty. And in my case, it even escalates to physical abuse. Its only you who can decide on what's best for you and DD. Do not underestimate children's ability pick up the little things parents do and say to each other. I made my decision I don't want my DD to grow in an absolute negative environment.

Cogito gives great advice. You cAn do it on your own. Abuse is unjustifiable.

Bathtubbubbles Wed 23-Jan-13 19:17:50

Thank you for such sound and good advice. And thank you for sharing your own experiences. shades, reading your post made me cry. I'm so sorry. I hope you are feeling better and you absolutely made the hard, but right decision.

I guess I know deep down what I have to do. It's never going to change. I've given him so many chances. I asked him outright tonight why he was in a relationship with someone he clearly dislikes. He told me not to be so fucking stupid.

I'm putting plans in place at the moment. I'm going to speak to WA and gingerbread tomorrow, find out what my options are and how I can manage financially. The emotional side of things ill deal with down the line once the practicalities are sorted. I can't deal with it now.

I have no tears, I feel numb.

I want to thank you for the support today. You have all made a bad day better.

MarilynValentine Wed 23-Jan-13 19:42:05

Well done bathtub. So horrible for you to have to make this decision but the right decision.

Sending lots of support and strength your way.

"The emotional side of things ill deal with down the line once the practicalities are sorted. "

A very wise move indeed. Good Luck.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 21:58:46

You will make your days and your childs days better once you've got shot of that manchild.

akaemmafrost Wed 23-Jan-13 22:31:55

I had one of these. Turned into an absolute pig after first dc came.

I spent years crying over him now I wish I had just said in bored tones "don't talk to me like that fuck face" and told him to leave.

There are some men who change beyond all recognition when they first baby appears or rather they feel ok to show you the REAL them now because something has clicked that tells them you're not going anywhere. I think men look down on their wives when they become mothers especially if the had overindulgent ones that danced to their every whim. You should be doing the same in their minds but not for your child for HIM!

If he carries on like this he will ruin these lovely times you should be having with your little girl and you will hate him for it.

shadesofwhite Wed 23-Jan-13 22:38:33

Bubbles I'm sure you'll cope. I'm glad you'll make a move to get yourself and DD to start a stress free life.
Giving the abuser chances makes yourself even more vulnerable and it gives him the imPression of "you condone" his abuse. I gave my H lots of chances after separation but the situation kept on getting worse. You deserve to be in a loving and caring r'ship. We only live once, life isn't a rehearsal.

Good luck and be strong. sending lots ((((hugs))) to you.

akaemmafrost Wed 23-Jan-13 22:39:56

sad I know that feeling of being disliked. I remember telling my Mum something nasty he said about my family and she said "but why does he dislike us so much?" And I said "its not you Mum, it's me, he absolutely hates me, he's saying to hurt me, he doesn't care about you". That's how I felt, like I had married and had a child with someone who hated me so much the could only ever be rude and aggressive to me and couldn't even have a civil conversation with me. He denied it too, usually accompanied by being told how thick I was, what a "spaz", along with very descriptive facial expressions. He would tell me he loved me with such anger and hate in his voice sad.

It's good you are getting out earlier. It would destroy you in the end.

Jux Thu 24-Jan-13 19:02:03

Bathtub, did you manage to talk to WA or CAB today? How are things?

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