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No I don,t want to sleep with your husband

(205 Posts)
bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 17:15:25

Apparently its ok by his wife that he is asking to sleep with me WTF I am so fucking angry. NO NO NO its not going to happen I,m pissed off bigtime at the pair of them.

EvenBetter Tue 22-Jan-13 17:19:01

Um...ok.

So don't. Problem solved.

ILoveTIFFANY Tue 22-Jan-13 17:21:17

Can you expand on this?

Why are you pissed off with the wife?

JustinMumsnot Tue 22-Jan-13 17:23:44

How does this sort of thing even come up in conversation?

Branleuse Tue 22-Jan-13 17:23:45

what?

Bogeyface Tue 22-Jan-13 17:29:05

ANd you believe him when he says that she is ok with him sleeping with you?

"I am in an open marriage" is second in the bullshit stakes only to "My wife and I havent had sex in ten years".

Although, a bit more explanation about wtf you are going on about would be useful!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 17:30:58

So true Bogey

Also on a par with
"My wife doesn't understand me"
"The cheque is in the post"
and
"This has never happened to me before..."

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 18:41:17

I,m pissed of at both of them. Have been friends with the wife for the past 6 years. We have dc that play together.She had previously told me that her and her husband have an open marriage for past 14 years and entertain both of them having sex with other people whilst the other one watches. This brings spice to their marriage. I am not one to judge so just laughed it off as whatever floats your boat. She in no way minds of this at all between them.
However lately we had a falling out and have not spoken for the past few months. Bump into them few weeks ago and said a polite hello, bit awkward.
Husband contacts me saying can we talk the situation over and i was fine with that.
I invite him in to talk he says his piece and then tells me that he was gutted we fell out as him and his wife were discussing how he would like to sleep with me!!!
Now that we are in contact would I consider sleeping with him as they have both talked about it again and she totally does not mind and has her full consent in asking me!!

I don't see why you are pissed off. Just decline if its not your thing.

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 18:43:47

Bogey thats wtf i,m going on about and i,m not the local whore that a wife feels okay to pimp me out to.

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 18:46:28

Wow it must be a totally normal thing to come out with then. maybe I live on another planet in thinking that keep your sexual weird fantasy to yourselves as husband and wife, In my book if you are married surely that is line you don,t cross let alone think and discuss it with your wife like you are talking about what to get for next weeks food shop.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 18:47:49

They sound bloody creepy the pair of them. confused Run!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 18:49:56

Not normal in the slightest!!! They're perverted. He actually stood in your house and told you this to your face?! shock I'm seriously wondering if that constitutes a criminal offence.

JustinMumsnot Tue 22-Jan-13 18:50:28

What did you fall out about?
And what on earth did you say when he put this proposition to you? I think I would just have had to laugh.

If your sexual fantasy is shagging other people then keeping it to yourselves won't really get you very far though.

Cailinsalach Tue 22-Jan-13 18:52:45

It's a bit tacky and tasteless. I would just drop this aquaintance and wear a frosty face if you bump into them Don't explain, don't justify.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 18:53:13

" I am not one to judge so just laughed it off as whatever floats your boat"

You realise now she was flirting with you? A bit of light grooming? I think you'll have to get a lot more judgemental in future as in... 'back off you twisted bitch'... smile

MadBusLady Tue 22-Jan-13 18:55:38

Well, you clearly are one to judge open relationships. Which is fine. But don't say you're not.

It is a bit creepy of him to come into your house and ask you alone though. I would be weirded out by that.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 18:55:53

Err, what? You knew them for a long time and knew they had an open relationship and said you weren't one to judge and whatever floats your boat, but now you are calling the wife a pimp?

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 19:01:56

Cogito thankyou thankyou. Its the blatent audasity of him coming into my house to my face having the fucking nreve to ask me that i,m angry about. And the fact they both talked about it. Its not normal, how dare he. Me the wife and our kids were to go on holiday together but because of my financial situation I had to pull out of the holiday and she refused to speak to me. Now I am thinking that this was going to be her form of grooming me you are so right. I am blazing fuming at this but op seem to think that I should not be affronted by this.
I actually didnt expect this question and let out a very nrevous laugh as I felt very uncomfortable here in my house with him on my own. I,m nieve and this has made me mistrust my judgement. Have spent a few hours crying at what a fool I have been thinking they were ment to be friends!!! Feeling a bit violated.

Lifeissweet Tue 22-Jan-13 19:03:14

I don't think you can decide what lines can and can't be crossed in someone else's marriage, no. Obviously, you are unhappy with the proposition, and that is absolutely your right. However, you can't be angry that they asked you if what he says is true and they are both ok with it. I would be a bit annoyed that they seem to have assumed that, because they are both up for it, that you are too.

AlienReflux Tue 22-Jan-13 19:03:26

What?!! so you'd had a falling out (about what btw?) and his opening conversation after talking again after months is... can I fuck you? my wife says I can!! mental! think I would have had to laugh to too!

Lifeissweet Tue 22-Jan-13 19:04:11

but I do agree that it's a bit sinister and creepy and I wouldn't be happy. Not angry, exactly, but just a bit weirded out and not happy to be around them any more.

AlienReflux Tue 22-Jan-13 19:04:36

sorry x post smile

TheLightPassenger Tue 22-Jan-13 19:06:00

sounds like you had a v lucky escape re:the holiday. Unfortunately by not being overtly critical of their lifestyle, this delightful pair seem to have assumed that you would be up for a threesome hmm. I sympathise, it must be rotten to realise your friends are sexual predators.

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 19:06:47

Thedocrine whatever husband and wife do between them behind closed doors is up to them. just don,t include me in it. Thats why I laughed it off as whatever floats your boat. It was probably the shock of her coming out with that in my reaction. as other married couples I know don,t normally say that they watch each other being screwed by other men/women Dont flame me for what I never want to be involved with.

Bogeyface Tue 22-Jan-13 19:13:04

I wouldnt be comfortable being friends with them anymore, but I do think that you are over reacting by crying and calling his wife a pimp.

Its their thing, its not yours, end of discussion surely?

Helltotheno Tue 22-Jan-13 19:13:29

Why keep laughing things off? Nail your colours to the mast woman! At the first revelation, you should have said 'Good for you. The wouldn't interest me in the slightest' THEN laughed it off if you felt the need.

Then when he said that to you, surely it's quite simple 'Actually no I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in sleeping with you' and if you felt annoyed with him, just usher him out.

They have an open relationship, you're not interested. Just say that. Pretty clear answer I would've thought.

Also, the fact that they have an open relationship shouldn't affect your friendship with her, if it's a a friendship based on ... well being friends iyswim. If you think they're arses in other ways, don't be friends with them.

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 19:13:41

No not a threesome just me and him the husband. O yes please shall wife babysit all the kids while daddy is screwing mummy,s friend. urghhh no. I,m so glad I didnt go on the holiday as sounds like she had an ulterior motive. I just can,t get my head around them thinking that this is normal behaviour and that he could come into my home and ask me. and yes now I have my bloody angry judgey pants on.

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 19:20:31

It,s their thing, Its not yours. You hit the nail on the head So don,t send your Husband round to my house and ask me that shit. Can you not see that they were both happy to assume of me that I would be okay with this, Like I have no standards in not shagging someonelses husband its wrong on alll levels and sinister.
No it had no bearing/affect in our friendship that they have an open marriage.
Just never crossed my mind that I could be their topic of next sexual conquest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 19:24:59

Then you've been naive. I'm sorry but I've got a mental image of that rather wobbly, lecherous pair from the sit-com 'Benidorm'!!! All wiggly eyebrows, double entendres and meaningful looks over the Mellow Birds. If it had happened to me I'd be just as indignant, just as embarrassed and just as determined to emigrate rather than risk passing them in the street again... ever.

Bogeyface Tue 22-Jan-13 19:25:00

How do you know she sent him? He could have decided to ask you and she agreed, which is quite different. It doesnt mean that she actively told him to do that.

And they wouldnt know that you werent ok with it until they asked would they? More people are into this that you would think, I was shock when I found out that a regular at the pub I used to work in used to hook up with women via the internet in order to have sex with them while their husband watched!

I just think that being so insulted and angry is an over reaction, its a compliment really! Just dont be friends with them anymore if you feel uncomfortable with them, which I have to admit, I would.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 22-Jan-13 19:25:41

Well, to me, saying something like "whatever floats your boat" indicates that, although I don't intend to judge them, I'm also not into it; so yeah, I'd probably have said the same sort of thing at the time. I don't think it's fair to blame the OP for failing to be absolutely clear she's not up for it when the wife appeared to be only mentioning it in passing. Why should it occur to her that she was going to be expected to join in, without any further clues?

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 19:35:59

They are people that look down their noses at people and would be horrified to ever watch an episode of Benidorm!!! I think sometimes they just tolerated me because our dc play together.
I do not think being angry and insulted is an over reaction at all. And as for taking it as a compliment, wearing a pair of Jimmy Choo,s and being told they are nice is a compliment I would happily accept ( in my dreams, shallow)Husband wanting to screw me is not...

Stropzilla Tue 22-Jan-13 19:42:31

They asked, you refused. Why is there a problem? I've had exactly the same situation. They told me, I didn't think too much about it. I don't care they're nice people and what they do doesn't involve me.UUntil they asked! I said no. They accepted that and we are still friends.

If you don't want to then obviously don't but the logical person for them to ask is someone they both trust and he is attracted to. Personally I was flattered. I appreciate you feel angry but I do think that's a bit of an over reaction. As for the holiday being a chance to "groom" you, perhaps it was just a holiday? I'd go on holiday with my swinger friends because I trust them not to push the issue. If you cannot trust your friends to do the same it isn't their kink that's the problemiit's either your attitude or them coercing you into something you're not happy with. If you can't trust them not to try and push you ditch them. Other wise try and let go of the anger.

ahmnoclassyladybut Tue 22-Jan-13 19:44:53

sounds a bit creepy to me and not my cup of tea at all

but

I'm seriously wondering if that constitutes a criminal offence.

If telling someone you want to sleep with them is a criminal offence, we are doomed.

CredulousThicko Tue 22-Jan-13 19:49:58

They're sex people!

Just say thanks, but no thanks, if you're not interested. If the friendship is meant to last after this, it will, or if it's not, it won't. If they've upset you, you probably won't look at the friendship the same now anyway.

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 19:53:01

Maybe Im angry at the fact that me and his wife have not spoken for a ggod few months. And she has made no effort to get this sorted between me and her. Its a bit of a kick in the teeth that he said after all this time she is still cross with me but he tells me they have discussed how he wants to sleep with me!! Surely she should of been the one to speak with me to put things right. Have heard nothing from her. The whole thing has creeped me out.

ahmnoclassyladybut Tue 22-Jan-13 19:53:06

credulousthicko

oooh you're nicer than my wife

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 20:02:41

Credulous No way I am being the middle one sitting on the sofa!! The husband is the spitting image of Alan by the way...

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 20:06:38

I have not given the attitude to them of thinking they could ask this of me.Swingging is their thing its not mine. Used to think that marriage could be my thing but sod that if any future hubby of mine turns round and says to me I want to shag your mate if okay with you honey!!!

deleted203 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:13:34

Not sure what you're so outraged about, really. I'd have just given him an odd look and said, 'Unfortunately I don't fancy you, particularly as you are married. Your wife might not object to sleeping with a bloke who shags other women, but I do'. I'm assuming you are single - and therefore I'd have been tempted to point out to him that if you wanted a bloke you are perfectly capable of finding one of your own - rather than making do with someone else's leftovers grin.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:57

Well you are clearly not ok with open relationships, which is your business. Some people enjoy them, some people don't. But that doesn't mean you are in the right to be so screamingly furious about them suggesting a threesome to you - they only asked.

And you don't sound like much of a friend to them either if you can be so nasty and judgemental - just leave each other alone in future.

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 20:53:49

He did not ask for a threesome. He wants just me and him to sleep together. Its nasty to ask me to entertain that shit. And you are a nasty person to think its ok to be involved in married couples weird sex life. don,t judge me by your standards............

Stropzilla Tue 22-Jan-13 22:03:18

Im nasty then grin because I think it's fine between consenting adults. Which you are obviously not. You said no so as long as they are going to respect that should be an end to it.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Jan-13 22:10:12

I get that you are angry at this couple, but why are you also angry at the people taking time to respond to your thread ?

balia Tue 22-Jan-13 22:21:49

Actually this has happened to me, twice. I must have that kind of face.

The first time, me and DH were invited over for dinner by a couple we knew, all normal, we'd been to the house before with other people - this time we are ushered into a different room done out like a kind of exotic tent, bean bags, candles, soft lighting etc. It took us a while to twig on (in fact it was when the bloke handed me a photo of the wife in bondage gear) DH and I were mortified, but giggling when we made a hasty retreat.

The second time I met up with some old friends who told me their marriage had been on the verge of collapse when they had found out about the 'lifestyle' and they were just checking to see if I was remotely interested as they both were. Not predatory, not 'nasty', just a grown-up conversation.

Fine, if you feel you don't want anything to do with it - but yeah, over-reacting. You don't have to be involved, but last time I looked it was legal to ask.

And by the way, there are swingers in 'Benidorm'. Just in case you hadn't noticed.

financialwizard Tue 22-Jan-13 22:28:13

He asked, you said no. Get over it.

If you have other issues to resolve with the wife then resolve them with her. Bitching about her on here isn't going to get it sorted is it.

Btw not my thing either but I would have told them that from the start.

SorryMyLollipop Tue 22-Jan-13 22:56:47

Is this a stealth boast?

This is a major bit of an over-reaction, he asked, you said no, he didn't persue it further, he didn't attempt anything. If you don't feel comfortable being their friend anymore then don't be but why get so angry because someone (well 2 people) find you attractive?

Did he push it further? If not just go your way, let them go theirs and know the friendship isn't salvagable.

ImperialBlether Tue 22-Jan-13 23:36:42

Look, just call your best friends over for dinner, have a few bottles of wine and have a good laugh about it.

Honestly, you're getting outraged about something so ridiculous. No, not him wanting sex with you but her not speaking to you but having to agree that her husband could shag you. That is really pitiful.

RafflesWay Wed 23-Jan-13 00:24:33

Sorry but I find this quite scary and predatory and even more so if op is single!! I would be keeping my doors firmly locked for the forseeable future.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 00:32:18

I would be keeping my doors firmly locked for the forseeable future.

So because they have an alternative sex life he is now a potential rapist?! sheesh, and I thought the OP was over reacting!

RafflesWay Wed 23-Jan-13 00:46:12

Sorry Bogey but not everyone feels quite so "liberal.". I had a similar approach from dh's so called friend 25 yrs ago when dh was away on business so know what I am talking about With regards to keeping the doors VERY FIRMLY LOCKED! How do you know he doesn't have history? And even if he doesn't, all attackers have a first time. Sorry you may call it "Alternative" but others beg to differ.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 01:09:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 01:30:32

Call the police.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 01:58:37

Call the police.

ermmm...why?!

Because he asked if she would like to have sex with him and she said no and he went away? hmm

Dottiespots Wed 23-Jan-13 02:02:43

I would consider yourself lucky cause had you gone on this holiday then the wife could have approached you for sex herself and it would have made the holiday horrible for you and your children OP. I would have found it scary for the husband to come over to my house and approach me like that too. You must have felt vunerable and seriously.....how do you reply to a question like that. If your anything like me then you find it hard to be nasty to anyone and to upset anyone so rather than speak out and say how you really feel you just end up smiling and seeming to be ok with things.

duchesse Wed 23-Jan-13 02:07:06

Very creepy and weird people. Run away!!

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 02:22:27

Well, it is their 'normal' I guess. Not for everyone, but that doesn't make it abnormal. Just something some of us (most of us, probably) wouldn't entertain. They aren't creepy, perverted or anything of that nature. They just have a different set of rules, which it is their prerogative to have. They both seem happy with their set up.

No one is pimping you out op. She merely gave her husband permission to do that. You don't want to, so that's that. Decline, say it isn't your thing & say no more about it. Forget the friendship if that is what you want.

I don't get why you feel they have pimped out as the local whore on the basis that he was given permission to sleep with you. It's not like there are a bunch of men queuing at your door to sleep with you on her say so.

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 02:30:06

as other married couples I know don,t normally say that they watch each other being screwed by other men/women

How do you know that, op? You don't! Just because couples don't discuss stuff like this, doesn't mean that they don't have their won 'behind doors' secrets that they keep from families & friends!

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 02:38:19

OK, op on reading further, you are either protesting too much because you really do like him & would love to sleep with him, but your morals about married men won't allow you to cross that line, even with her in the know.

Or

You DO judge their lifestyle & have all along, and now this has become your excuse to point out how sickening/creepy/abnormal/sinister etc you find it & them.

Your rage is simply too much (for me) to be put out by his proposition. Calling her a pimp, saying they assume you want this (which they don't by the way, which is why he ASKED you & didn't force/come on strong to you)

Violated? Really? All he did was mention that he would like to have slept with you & that makes you feel violated?

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 02:51:33

Calling people nasty because they aren't agreeing with your rage is pretty awful, OP & really does only show your true colours. You are disgustingly judgemental & I don't know what your friends dh sees in you!

Police, really? What a monumental waste of police time & resources. The man suggested he would like to have sex with her, he didn't kiss her, touch her, grab her or threaten her in any way!

As for saying he is a potential abuser because he & his wife have an alternative sex life, wow!

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 03:49:29

I was being sarcastic, Bogeyface. Because of the utterly deranged level of hysteria.

Although actually I do think the OP should call the police and tell them what's happened, just to give the police a laugh.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 03:50:42

^ And that's for differentname too.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 03:53:02

OBVIOUSLY people with different sexual tastes are probably rapists - OBVIOUSLY.

Fucking seriously. I'm vanilla through and through but even I can contemplate the concept of open marriages without fainting or bursting into tears.

Dottiespots Wed 23-Jan-13 04:25:06

Im quiet vanilla too but I was approached by this man, in his home, in front of his wife myself. She firstly told me she was lesbian and that she liked to have sex with women while her husband watched and then he had sex himself with the woman and then he told me that I was a gorgeous looking woman. Compliment in one way and I acted so cool about it and just laughed it off......I was soooo proud of myself.....inside though I was thinking.....got to get out of here....got to get out of here!!! ha ha. Nothing personal regarding them though as they are nice enough people and I get on with them but in my little safe vanilla world...I was quietly shitting myself at the time.

Dottiespots Wed 23-Jan-13 04:25:31

quite...not quiet.

Dottiespots Wed 23-Jan-13 04:27:36

o bloody hell....sorry as that could have come across as that i had been approached by same man as op.Of course it wasnt. Its late and i should have read my post before sending it.

Arthurfowlersallotment Wed 23-Jan-13 05:35:51

I understand your outrage/repulse at this couple, OP.
When I was 20 I was propositioned similarly by a couple I was friends with while a group of us were out for a birthday. What creeped me out most is that they clearly discussed it and toyed with the idea. I politely declined.

Mind you, later that evening she wanked him off (quite blatantly) at the restaurant table, so I think they were a bit deviant.

In your case OP, I'd try and laugh about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 07:20:09

"If telling someone you want to sleep with them is a criminal offence, we are doomed."

I was thinking it came under the heading of 'unwanted sexual harrassment'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 07:24:33

I also understand the outrage and repulsion. People can be sleazy... I get that. You can get hit on... I get that too. But to be propositioned in your own home that you might like to be someone's sexual entertainment for the evening while their partner gets their rocks off looking on? The couple doing the asking should have been far more sure of their ground before making a suggestion like that. It is pretty shocking.

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 08:11:47

hopkinette Fair enough. Thanks for explaining!

FreckledLeopard Wed 23-Jan-13 08:40:18

Oh my good Lord. There is a ridiculous level of hysteria and clenched buttocks on this thread. Honestly, this is something people are suggesting is sexual harassment?

Perhaps North London has a different type of person living there, but the five years I lived there I was propositioned in a whole number of ways by couples, singles...I know married swingers, single swingers - have good friends in this scene. I'd find it far creepier if I was being hit on by someone who didn't have the consent of their partner.

And so what if they've discussed it with each other? Personally I'd be flattered and if not something I wanted to pursue I'd just say thanks but no thanks.

Honestly, get a grip and accept that not everyone subscribes to plain vanilla sex lives (thank god)!

Whocansay Wed 23-Jan-13 09:01:51

I understand why the OP is angry. He clearly came round with the expectation of sex. If her wanted to proposition her he should have done it in a more public setting, or by phone, not when she's alone with him in her house. I'd have felt extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable.

Why does the OP not wanting to fuck her friend's husband mean she only wants 'plain vanilla sex'? confused

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 09:10:00

I agree with that part of it Whocansay. I would also be freaked out by someone propositioning me for sex in a vulnerable situation - whether they were married or not.

Like Freckled I'm also pretty shocked by some of the raving pitchforkery on this thread though. Do we have to cover the place in foaming spittle every time we come across someone with a different lifestyle to ours?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 09:10:41

"Perhaps North London has a different type of person living there"

Yes it does. The rest of us live in the real world, not some kind of suburban Carry On Film hmm

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 09:14:02

Huh, well I live in North London and no-one's ever propositioned me!

The only people I've ever thought might be working up to it lived in Yorkshire actually. O NO, THE PERVERTEDNESS! IT SPREADS!

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 10:37:52

He clearly came round with the expectation of sex.

You can't know that! he didn't ask the op for sex on the spot, merely mentioned that he would have liked to have slept with her.

SueFawley Wed 23-Jan-13 10:38:18

I suppose I'm rather confused that the thread title is aimed at the woman: 'No, I don't want to sleep with your husband' when it was HIM that asked the question. Why the ranting at her?

I have never, ever been propositioned by another woman, whether for just one on one or a threesome with a man or whatever. Never had a problem attracting guys but never women. Not a problem because I'm straight, but I do feel rather left out when I read threads like this biscuit

MegaClutterSlut Wed 23-Jan-13 10:45:23

I would be pissed off too tbh. If they want an open marriage fair enough but they shouldn't involve friends imo. It would make me uncomfortable around them in the future and I would be even more pissed off at her, being my friend saying it's ok for her husband to ask me. It's not a boundary I would cross

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 10:45:39

I,m honestly shocked at the flaming I have recieved on this thread. I am a single mum who felt vulnerable and uncomfortable in my own home with this man. I see him as someones Husband and in no way a sexual partner for a night or anytime. Why is it that I should think myself lucky that this is a compliment? I am ment to take what I,m offered because we are friends?
He freaked me out and should of considered that I am on my own but he took advantage of my good nature.
Yes I am angry but not at any op on here and it is not an over reaction on my part. Pissed off is also the word I used aswell.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 10:48:03

But I still dont see why you are piling all the blame onto his wife. Your comments about her pimping you out to the neigbourhood are a massive over reaction and your thread title implies that you blame her more than him.

Feeling angry because he made you feel vulnerable in your own home is justified, but slagging them both off because they lead a different lifestyle to you isnt.

SueFawley Wed 23-Jan-13 10:49:26

bongo, sometimes there are friendship dealbreakers, and I think you've found one of yours. Perhaps it's time to cut off all contact with them.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 10:49:30

Differentnameforthis He asked me for sex with him whilst sitting at my table in my home. He came round saying he would like to chat about me and his wife falling out. This was not what I expected him to come out with in the slightess...

willyoulistentome Wed 23-Jan-13 10:51:38

Drop the relationship. Don't take their calls. Blank them. WARN OTHERS!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 10:52:59

Ignore the flaming bongobaby. There are obviously a lot of closet swingers on MN who think it is 'uncool' or a snooty to be offended at being propositioned. It's not. The rest of us normal people would have chased the dirty bugger out on the end of a yard-brush....

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 10:55:49

Bogey you are missunderstanding this. Im not piling all of the blame onto the wife but both of them in fact. They both had a discussion together about this which is strange to me.
I,m not slagging them off because they lead a different lifestyle because I have said that whatever floats your boat when she first told me about what they do. I did not turn my nose up and run off shouting it from the rooftops telling other people.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 11:00:29

I,d find it far more creepier if I was being hit on by someone who didn,t have consent of their partner. Wow I,m glad I don,t live in that London...

willyoulistentome Wed 23-Jan-13 11:01:51

I would say sex obviously means very little to these people. Just something physical, like a handshake. They obvioulsy do not understand the emotional /trust side of it at all. Imagine coming right out and asking for sex without any preamble, wooing or anything a tall. Did he even bother to find out in advance whether you even fancy him?

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 11:09:38

Thats just it all has been preassumed on my behalf by the pair of them. The title of the thread is worded as such because the wife has had a discussion with her Husband about him wanting to sleep with me and she has okayed it so much so that he came to ask me?
If my postman asked me when im signing for a recorded delivery the same thing because his wife is okay with it I would stick the pen where the sun don,t shine!

pmcblonde Wed 23-Jan-13 12:04:30

People who had the impression that you were tolerant of alternative lifestyles (based on a previous conversation), and with whom you have a pre-existing friendly relationship, asked if you would be interested in participating in their lifestyle choice. You said that you weren't interested. They didn't push the issue.

I can see that you would be taken aback by being approached, and you may not be able to move on from this with the friendship, but they've not really done anything wrong - other than thinking that you were more liberal than seems to be the case. Perhaps had they approached you together you might have felt safer

McBalls Wed 23-Jan-13 12:10:13

You were aware of their open relationship, she wasn't "pimping you out" - he asked her if he could approach you and she said yes.

Whether or not the sex happens is then between you and him. You don't want it, so said no. All done.

I don't see what you're getting all amdram about.

McBalls Wed 23-Jan-13 12:15:12

Oh god, look, he asked if you'd like to have sex with him.

The only reason this is different to some single bloke coming on to you is because he is in an open relationship - so, presumably because you already have/had a friendship of sorts with her he checked with her whether she would be ok with you being one of the other people he has sex with IN THEORY, no one pimped you out, no one decided you would be having sex with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 12:15:20

Really? People don't see what this man did as beyond the pale? shock. I have a lot of friends who are couples. I'd be utterly aghast if one of the husbands said over the tea and custard creams 'me and the missus have been chatting and we wondered if it would be OK for me to fuck you while she watches?'

It's just... ewww....

Lueji Wed 23-Jan-13 12:17:43

TBH, I'd be shock if a friend or any other man, just came to my house and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. Just like that.

But that's probably how they do it in general.
It's only sex for them, not about romance.

McBalls Wed 23-Jan-13 12:17:46

If your objection is that he wangled an invite into your home under false pretences and then proceeded to make you feel uncomfortable then I am totally with you on that. Absolutely.

But they didn't 'pre-arrange' anything on your behalf.

Branleuse Wed 23-Jan-13 12:21:33

id be creeped out by someone asking me outright, rather than more subtly. Its putting you on the spot, especially since its pretty unconventional and you gave no hints to being interested before. Its not a business arrangement

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 13:04:39

I,m with cogito on this. But they didn,t pre-arrange anything on your behalf. They did as they had a conversation between the two of them. Yes its also the false pretences that freaks me out on this aswell.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 13:22:17

I don't understand why you are so outraged by the conversation.

Whocansay Wed 23-Jan-13 13:23:49

I stick by what I said. He came round with the expectation of sex. Nothing to do with building bridges after a falling out. I suspect there wasn't a recent conversation with the wife either. Its all fucking creepy.

I would block all future contact. He clearly has no idea about appropriate boundaries.

I think it's a disgusting position to put someone in in their own home , I'd feel very vulnerable and upset that someone thought it was ok to use my friendship to try and cross that boundary.

I'm no prude nor do I just like " vanilla sex" but I think it's a disgrace some of you are suggesting the op is somehow a prude for not thinking of shagging everyone she has a friendship with.

Whocansay Wed 23-Jan-13 13:25:52

Hopkinette - would you really feel comfortable about a friend's husband propositioning you when you're alone with him in your house? Really?

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 13:27:13

I think it's a disgrace some of you are suggesting the op is somehow a prude for not thinking of shagging everyone she has a friendship with.

Or at least it would be a disgrace if anyone was actually suggesting that. hmm

Seriously do swingers think they have the right to go around propositioning people?

Whocansay Wed 23-Jan-13 13:28:03

If the fact that I don't want to fuck someone else's husband means I have vanilla sex, then yes I have vanilla sex. So shoot me!

It was implied madbus .

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 13:33:05

Where? Several people have repeated till they're blue in the face that they understand why the OP is freaked out by the manner of his approach, AND that they understand why the OP wants to cool the friendship. They just don't particularly see why this has to be expressed with all this shrieking of "pimp" and "pervert" and "nasty people!" and "you must all be closet swingers because you disagree!" and the like. Especially when accompanied by a forlorn and pointless "...but whatever floats your boat" pretence.

Nobody has suggested that she should have said yes. confused

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 13:39:26

madbus The Husband told me to my face that he wants me and him to sleep together.
I don,t understand the flack directed at my post from a few op saying that this is in anyway acceptable and why I am so outraged by the conversatio/suggestion. Bottom line is I don,t fuck other peoples Husbands permission from the wife or not. like I said before just because I m single does not give carte blanche.... for me being up for it.....

Helltotheno Wed 23-Jan-13 13:42:01

The only thing bad about his approach imo is that she hadn't spoken to the couple for some time, they had fallen out and the first thing he said when they spoke again was to proposition her, which is a bit ... arsey really, let's face it, for people who were supposed to have been friends previously. Also, it occurred to me that he was acting on his own, ie maybe the wife had nothing to do with his approach and didn't even know about it?

But the OP is still overreacting to the proposition because really it wouldn't matter if he was a single man, a married man, a lesbian woman (married or not)... a proposition is a proposition is a proposition, it doesn't matter who makes it, as long as it's just words and nothing else, it's just that! So the answer is either a No or a Yes and then just move along. If he'd been a single hot man, would you be reacting like that OP? Cos the principle is the same...

So your learning on this should be: don't be wishy washy, they told you what they were into, you didn't tell them your weren't into it. You could have stated that very clearly. So you'll know better next time OP.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 13:43:52

Whocansay - if a man SIMPLY MENTIONED that he wanted to have sex with me I would be surprised and think he had shit taste, but it would not make me feel afraid, threatened or outraged. It wouldn't make me cry for hours and I wouldn't post on a forum about how shaken and furious I was.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 13:50:22

The wife did have full knowledge of this approach. I have the right to feel comfortable in my own home with what I thought was a friend. Its up to me if I do/ don,t want to discuss my sex life with people. I chose not to, they chose to tell me what they do. wishy washy is part of my personality im only human.

Whocansay Wed 23-Jan-13 13:52:53

Hopkinette - we'll have to agree to disagree. I would feel incredibly threatened if some bloke propositioned me out of the blue when I was alone with him in my house. I wouldn't cry for hours, no, but I'd want him away from me and out of my house immediately.

If it happens though, I shall post wink
goes out to look for pampas grass

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 13:54:30

Didn,t feel afraid,threatened felt uncomfortable in my home and outraged because he only came for a chat and then all of a sudden he throws i,d like to shag you into the mix whoa steady on chap!!! Think your forgetting this is someones husband.... Marriage is two people and not your mate a third for a thrill....

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 13:57:39

The crying thing bit much on my part guess it was because I thought we were friends and a combination of being due on.

I'd cry to be honest, it would likely make me feel pretty cheap that because I'm a single woman I got singled out for this shit.
I don't care how liberal and laid back people are about their sex lives they have no need to involve other people in their activities, advertise in a mag or something maybe but not approach friends , it's just disrespectful.

Helltotheno Wed 23-Jan-13 14:08:41

Marriage is two people and not your mate a third for a thrill....

It depends whose marriage it is.. the trick is not to speak for everyone when you don't know everyone, just stick with what suits you and you'll be fine smile

Sorry, still don't understand the outrage. I'd more readily understand threatened tbh, but you're saying you didn't feel threatened cos obviously he wasn't being threatening..

I think chalk it up to experience OP. You live and learn eh.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 14:09:41

50 thankyou .I must admit that thought did cross my mind of feeling cheap and that I should think myself flattered is some op opioins here. It is disrepectful what they pair of them have done. Even if the wife had the balls to speak with me herself on this I would tell her NO. It,s the fact that she has been underhanded in this whole thing. I don,t care that they are liberal with their sex lives, their buisness and floats their boat whatever. (got flamed for that) but just don,t involve me in it some op have been very harsh.

PoshCat Wed 23-Jan-13 14:16:04

Look for all woman and her husband knew, you might have been keen.
How are they going to know unless they ask?
You're not interested. Fair enough. What's the big deal?

Whocansay Wed 23-Jan-13 14:23:00

Bongo, I have no idea how I'd react if this actually happened to me, so don't apologise for being upset. Everyone reponds to these things in their own way. I think anyone who would feel flattered by this must have massively low self esteem.

Hope you're feeling better now anyway smile

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 14:23:40

Big deal is, are you being serious poshcat?

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 14:27:59

Why would Poshcat not be serious?

How are these people supposed to find out if someone's interested if they don't
ask them?

To suggest women should be flattered by any sexual attention they get is a pretty misogynistic attitude, I think that's why it bothers me so much.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 14:30:45

whocansay feeling very warm from previous op flaming. Safe to say I will be finding some new single friends.....

They could advertise in some appropriate websites or magazines perhaps?

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 14:34:49

Ask for a cup of Tea
Ask for a slice of Cake
Ask to borrow some Sugar
Don,t ask me to if its okay for your husband to shag me because he wants to!!! Keep that to yourself. Its not a case of don,t ask don,t get, seriously.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 14:36:06

I'm sure they do advertise and probably go to swingers' clubs too. I still don't see why asking someone if they are interested in sleeping with you is such an unbearable violation necessitating a meltdown.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 23-Jan-13 14:41:37

Totally agree with Hopinette and others who say why is asking somebody is so bad. Its not our thing but each to their own. They both seem happy with the situation and nobody is getting hurt, just say no thanks if you don't want to.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 14:50:54

Inappropriate to even ask. As for they both seem happy with the situation and nobody is getting hurt seems very one sided in their favor with total disregard for my feelings.
Hardly a meltdown.

Stropzilla Wed 23-Jan-13 14:53:06

I just want to clarify, I did not mean to imply that OP should feel flattered. I'm sorry if I came off that way! Speaking for myself only I was oddly flattered. The husband may or may not have realised how vulnerable you would be and if he did that's a definite no in my book. If you feel they only got back in touch to ask you this, also no.

I'm personally a happy confident married woman and could say thanks but no thanks. I'm sorry someone chose such a bad time toapproach you but I still say no need for such anger unless he is now harassing you.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 15:10:40

You sound unbearably uptight, OP.

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 15:14:48

Well, I hope you feel better about it now, OP. It's probably just as well in a way that you'd fallen out with them anyway - it would be sad if it ended a friendship that was otherwise going brilliantly IYSWIM.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 15:25:20

Need a shag thats why im unbearably uptight as you put it op Anybody out there like to offer up their husbands.....

PoshCat Wed 23-Jan-13 15:27:08

He asked, you said no, that's it. They're not pestering you are they?

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 15:34:39

OP stands for "original poster." The OP on this thread is you, bongobaby.

The level of uptightness you're exhibiting doesn't strike me as something that could be alleviated by a "shag." It seems more deep-rooted than that.

Habble Wed 23-Jan-13 15:36:18

I'm with helltotheno. I'd completely understand if you're angry because you felt threatened, but if that's not the case, it does just sound like you're annoyed that open marriages/swingers exist.

He'd have been entirely in the wrong if he was pressurising you or intimidating you (and he's definitely straying into this territory if he came to your house under false pretences and you felt under siege) but saying

Think your forgetting this is someones husband.... Marriage is two people and not your mate a third for a thrill....

sounds like you're angry at what happens in their marriage, and not its effect on you IYSWIM. You're perfectly entitled to feel that marriage is between two people, just as they are to feel otherwise. It sounds like he should have handled it more sensitively but I'm confused as to why you're so outraged.

You were asked if you'd want to be involved in something, you said no, and presumably that was the end of it.

Habble Wed 23-Jan-13 15:38:24

I might have missed it, but I don't think anyone said you needed a shag?

That's pretty vile and misogynistic if they did.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 15:38:54

Don,t ask me to if its okay for your husband to shag me because he wants to!

She didnt hmm

loopylou6 Wed 23-Jan-13 15:49:52

I'd be pissed off too, don't get why OP its getting a hard time.

loopylou6 Wed 23-Jan-13 15:52:14

Btw, I have nothing against swingers, that's not the issue here for me. You can't just be going round asking random people to shag you.

PoshCat Wed 23-Jan-13 16:02:01

You can. There's no law against it.

loopylou6 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:06:55

Well yes, its not against the law, but I would find it very distasteful, hence, it'd piss me off.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 16:11:34

where does it sound like im annoyed that open marriages/swingers exist? Wrong, Have said whatever floats your boat.....
More deep rooted, husband wanted to root me. he should not of asked me. I am entitled to think that he should not of crossed the line.
loopylou yes im getting a hard time here because its perfectly a normal thing to do from the some of the replies on here...

ExpatAl Wed 23-Jan-13 16:12:34

You were expecting the husband around to talk about their marriage but then was shocked and outraged when he propositioned you. Hmmmm.
It's no big deal. They probably wouldn't have pushed it if you had said right at the start that it's not something that interests you. So makes me wonder why you didn't.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 16:20:51

where does it sound like im annoyed that open marriages/swingers exist?

In pretty much every one of your posts.

Dottiespots Wed 23-Jan-13 16:25:47

OP you are perfectly entitled to feel anyway you want about what happened. We are all different and all see the world differently. I wonder if this man would have approached you so easily if you had been married? Dont think he would have.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 16:26:12

I was expecting the husband to come round and talk about the falling out his wife and I had months ago as said in previous posts if had been read properly you would understand my shock at what he came out with.
Get it right hopkinette in the fact that im annoyed what has been asked to me from him.

loopylou6 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:26:59

What a load of bollox, if you have a gay friend, are you supposed to come out and tell them straight away that you don't want sex with them because you are straight?

< mind boggles >

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 16:33:07

There's a real lady-doth-protest-too-much vibe going on here. Are you curious about sleeping with him, OP? You can do it if you want to, you know smile

loopylou6 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:35:32

Are you the friends husband hop? You seem awfully keen to Convince OP to sleep with this bloke hmm

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 16:36:51

* if you have a gay friend, are you supposed to come out and tell them straight away that you don't want sex with them because you are straight?*

If their propositioning you is going to cause you to sob for hours and feel threatened then yes, perhaps you should consider it.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 16:38:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 16:38:34

Where am I trying to convince her to sleep with him? More than anything, I think she should get a grip. People mentioning sexual intercourse occasionally happens and most normal people manage to take it in their stride.
OP's going on and on and on and on and on about this... It makes me think she's secretly interested.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 16:40:22

Nobody said its normal, nobody said you should do it, nobody said that you shouldnt feel that the friendship cant continue. What HAS been said is that you're reaction is totally out of proportion.

Just because YOU feel that they shouldnt do this doesnt mean that you have the right to call them both some frankly vile names, and imply that they are somehow deviants. They like something you dont, and asked you if you would like to partake. You said no, end of discussion.

And as for insulting anyone on here who doesnt agree with you, its not the best way to garner sympathy at all.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 16:41:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 16:41:24

I'm on planet Earth, just like you and everyone else on this thread. The fact that I take a slightly different view on something which is, in the grand scheme of things, fairly trivial, does not in fact indicate that I am an alien. I'm not even slightly interested in swinging - in fact at the moment I'm not interested in sleeping with anyone at all. I just think that weeping because someone asks you if you'd be interested in sleeping with them is a bit of an over the top reaction.

ShephardsDelight Wed 23-Jan-13 16:41:44

I agree its a bit creepy, but I do think your reaction is slightly OTT, as long as he didn't try to grope your or anything.

Habble Wed 23-Jan-13 16:42:54

bogeyface said it much more succinctly than me blush

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 16:44:25

Asking me to sleep with you even though married is totally uncalled for.

hopkinette Wed 23-Jan-13 16:47:03

Well, actually, if you're into sleeping with people other than your spouse, then asking other people to sleep with you is explicitly called-for.

ExpatAl Wed 23-Jan-13 16:47:43

I would not like the husband to say this to me when I was alone in my house with him but I would not find myself in this position. I think the OP is protesting too much. Or missing out some of the story.

How nasty is that bongo you ask for opinions, get one different from yours then insult the poster.

You sound like you like the drama you are putting onto this situation so you are probably best left to it.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 17:11:26

How do you know you won,t find yourself in that position? No missing part of the story.

I've had loads of group sex. I like it. But if someone I don't feel attracted to asks me if I want to have sex with him (or her, or even them) I say no and move along. Nothing the OP has posted suggests that this man touched her, kissed her, pressurized her or did anything other than ask - and then accept a refusal.

So this screaming tantrum and the abuse thrown at those who reject monogamy is very out of proportion.

ExpatAl Wed 23-Jan-13 17:17:23

If I felt so strongly about swingers that I had to have a rant about the outrage of being propositioned I would not have the husband round to 'talk'. I would have at least had it in mind that something could happen. This bluster doesn't ring true to me.

Helltotheno Wed 23-Jan-13 17:24:45

Asking me to sleep with you even though married is totally uncalled for

Well it happened all the time to me and my friends in our single days. Surely this isn't the first time you've been propositioned by a married man, forgetting totally about the swinging bit? Really?

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 18:03:58

I don,t feel strongly about/against swingers don,t know where you get this from. why would I of at least had it in mind at all. he was coming to talk about me and his wife falling out nothing else. Not getting this bluster doesn,t ring true.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 18:10:14

Imagine the ramifications if this was to go ahead. How is it classed? cheating. im going to be a Homewrecker, if the wife gets the hump later on down the line, She could completly go this way.

Stropzilla Wed 23-Jan-13 18:11:07

Maybe people think you have something against it for saying "weird fantasy", "that shit", "nasty" and "weird sex life" all in the first 2 pages? Does give that impression.

I thought it wasn't going to go ahead because you said no. Are you reconsidering now, you seem to have put a lot of thought into it.

Helltotheno Wed 23-Jan-13 18:12:55

the death penalty i imagine hmm

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 18:20:03

You know what? I am beginning to think that you think far too much of yourself. He asked you because he fancied a shag, they are not monogamous and he knows you. I daresay they have asked every other aquaintance of theirs too!

BelaLugosisShed Wed 23-Jan-13 18:27:32

Actually, I would feel absolutely violated if a man I knew came to my house and proceeded to ask me to have sex with him when there had been no previous "chemistry", no flirting and more importantly - if I was friends with his wife.

I thought even swingers had some standards, i.e. no shitting on your own doorstep, no involvement of friends etc.?

He sounds like a nasty, manipulating SOAB.

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 18:27:33

people,familys and kids get hurt by affairs. why is this any different because he happened to ask first?
And what if I do think far too much of myself now you are trying to put me down for it?

Stropzilla Wed 23-Jan-13 18:33:44

It's different because it's their lifestyle. Who needs to get hurt by it? Unless that's part of their thing too grin. I like the way you said "I am going to be a home wrecker". The positive in that sentence makes it sound as though you're giving it some thought!

Really tho you are over thinking this. Forget them and move on.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 18:42:55

I wasnt trying to put you down for it, but a) this wouldnt be an affair and b) I was saying that you seem to think that you have been the subject of long sordid discussions because you are so attractive and special. You may well attractive and special but I bet the conversation was more like "I would like to sleep with X, is that ok with you if I ask her?" "Yeah, but dont expect her to say yes, I dont think she is into that" "Oh I bet she will! I will go round and see what she says...."

He is a dick, that is not in question, but he is also probably trying it on with every woman he meets. You would not be a homewrecker because he would not leave his wife and fall madly in love with you, he would shag you and that would be it. Thats what I mean by thinking too much of yourself by assuming you would destroy their marriage if you slept with him!

bongobaby Wed 23-Jan-13 19:22:03

attractive and special is not what I think i am at all. my self esteem is on the floor at the moment. I have not been sexually active for the past 18 months. And I guess that my 50 shades of grey expectation was not going to be a friends husband. And my nose has somewhat been put out of joint wanting some sort of prince charming to give me a romantic time for a change. not a quick fumble up

PoshCat Wed 23-Jan-13 19:46:09

Here we go...

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 20:36:27

They aren't involving you though, are they! They ASKED if they could involve you.

I could understand your reaction if they asked you over to discuss issues, plied you with alcohol & started kissing/touching you. THAT is involving you, asking if you would be interested in sleeping with him is just that, ASKING!

The two are worlds apart!

differentnameforthis Wed 23-Jan-13 20:40:44

Don,t ask me to if its okay for your husband to shag me because he wants to!!!

Did he ask, or did she ask?

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 21:55:20

Actually, getting back to the original point, you only have his word for it that he has asked her. Maybe he asked you first and would have discussed it with her afterwards, she might be as pissed off as you to find that he wanted (excuse the phrase but it was used above) "shit on his own doorstep".

cronullansw Thu 24-Jan-13 01:13:12

For once I'm with cogito....... it what he did isn't illegal, then it should be.

smile

And Solidgold, well said you, xxxx

I'm loving the outrage, imagine, someone asking a member of the opposite sex if they fancied a bit. How terrible!

hopkinette Thu 24-Jan-13 01:44:33

So this screaming tantrum and the abuse thrown at those who reject monogamy is very out of proportion.

What SGB said.

hopkinette Thu 24-Jan-13 01:45:19

This bluster doesn't ring true to me.

Agree with ExpatAl.

hopkinette Thu 24-Jan-13 01:47:09

Are you reconsidering now, you seem to have put a lot of thought into it

Missy makes a good point.

hopkinette Thu 24-Jan-13 01:50:30

For once I'm with cogito....... it what he did isn't illegal, then it should be.

Oh yes, absolutely: asking someone for sex in their own home should be illegal.
Definitely.

I am PMSL at you fucking loons, really.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Thu 24-Jan-13 01:52:06

I really don't understand why you are angry?

- His wife didn't tell him he could sleep with you, she told him that as far as she was concerned he could ask you. Totally different things.

- A man asked you if you wanted to have sex with him - ... and? You are single - why shouldn't he ask you? He has 'permission' from his wife to ask, so why shouldn't he? He was being more upfront that schmoozing you...

- It's not 'an affair' if the wife has said it's OK by her.

- He was in your house - and? He asked you for sex, he didn't try to put any moves on you.

- You don't know about the holiday - maybe she just wanted to go on holiday with you?! You pulled out, she was pissed off and you both acted like kids or it wouldn't have ended in months of not talking. It doesn't mean she wanted anything sexual or was 'grooming' you fgs.

- Of course you aren't going to know how someone feels unless you either ask them or romance them are you?! In his situation (being married) it makes far more sense to be upfront and ask - also to let you know his wife is OK with him asking. He wasn't assuming you were up for it - he was ASKING if you were up for it. Big difference.

OP, you sound like you are very messed up and unhappy about sex in general. You have every right to refuse sex and sexual advances you don't want, but someone asking if you would be interested in having sex with him/her is not attacking you. A simple 'No, thanks' would have sufficed. And only if 'No, thanks' was not accepted would you have any cause to complain.

Now you are screaming about your '50 shade of grey fantasy' - that book describes a man pursuing a woman who tells him no thanks, stalking her and coercing her into a kind of relationship she doesn't want. He mistreats her, but because she is a totally vacant buckethead 'warm loving woman' she ends up getting him to marry her, even though he's a stalkerish arsehole who's only into BDSM because he has ishoos... If that's your fantasy, why are you freaking out about someone asking you if you want a shag?

Why would you be a home wrecker? Just because he wants to sleep with you doesn't mean he will then want to leave his wife and dc.

It doesn't sound like she wants to be friends with you anymore so it's a bit of a none issue, you don't need to have anything more to do with them.

I don't understand why you didn't just tell your friend that it wasn't your thing when she told you what they were into.

Bogeyface Thu 24-Jan-13 02:20:14

Is that what its about SGB? I had no idea. I haven't read it because, as my sister so eloquently put it whilst we were browsing the sale in Debenhams, "if I want to read about anal fisting I can do that on the internet for free." The looks on the faces of the old dames in there was something to behold!

I didnt realise that it was so awful. Rape fiction, lovely.

Bogeyface Thu 24-Jan-13 02:21:32

And thinking about it SGB, isnt this scenario step one in her "50 shades fantasy"? Smelling something.....

Bogeyface Thu 24-Jan-13 02:23:12

THat is, smelling ishoos, not BS.

loopylou6 Thu 24-Jan-13 08:21:50

Oh ffs there is no anal fisting in fsog, and he doesn't mistreat her. He does have issues, but they fall in love and work through them together.

Bogeyface Thu 24-Jan-13 08:36:10

The anal fisting thing was a joke mainly I think to embarrass me!

loopylou6 Thu 24-Jan-13 08:43:27

Oh I see, sorry smile lots of people really do think there is AF in it.

bongobaby I get why you are upset. You are questioning your entire friendship. You thought you were making friends, and now it turns out that possibly, you were just pointed out to her by her dh as a possible future shagee, and she befriended you purely with this in mind. This is what you are worrying about? Maybe it was like that, maybe she is looking for women to befriend for her husband to shag. Maybe they enjoy an open marriage, or maybe the husband enjoys and open marriage who knows.

Maybe the holiday was meant to be sexual, rather than friends taking their kids out somewhere fun. You have all these questions in your head.

But I think, (aside from him being a twat to approach you in your home to "talk about you and his wife falling out" and so being invited in on false pretences) at least he did not try to romance you and try to have an affair with you.

At least. That is the only good thing in the saga. He was open and upfront and you now know what is what. They are no longer going behind your back.

You can now move on without any sadness on your part that your friendship is ruined, because you know now there was no friendship. Not if she let her husbands desires come in and ruin it.

She could have said "Back off, she is my friend, and I dont want our sexlife come in the way of this friendship. I dont think she is up for it". But she did not. She did not know you well enough to stand up for you and shield you for this. She did not value your friendship enough.

At least that is what I would have felt (and did feel when a friend suggested similar way back when I was young and pretty)

Stropzilla Thu 24-Jan-13 09:11:52

Am beginning to think OP has some issues to work thru. Surely no one gets upset at the thought of sex with a married man who is in an open relationship, yet thinks 50 shades is something to aim for!

I may have my BDSM interests but I would despise 50 shades to happen to me!

ExpatAl Thu 24-Jan-13 09:19:45

I think actually the OP was expecting this conversation to go in a different direction and it to become a nice cosy chat about what man she would like etc etc.

Callthemidlife Thu 24-Jan-13 09:52:12

Rather oddly, I never expect to have a laugh on the Relationships boards. Who knew?

FWIW, I think the couple are in the wrong here, to a point. You don't involve friends unless they are a couple and you are propositioning them for a swap. That's normal (in terms of etiquette) though not sure if Debretts have a chapter or not on this stuff?

In this case, not a good idea to proposition a single mum who is already a 'mate' - that constitutes shitting in your own bed and I don't know any swingers that would do that not that I know many swingers, these days....

But, the hysterical reaction to it all is just that. Hysterical (apologies to feminists for use of a misogynistic word, but can't think of a better one). It's not your bag, fine. It upsets you, fine. Coming on here and sounding off about people whose cultural boundaries are different from yours is offensive.

If you want empathy, you probably need to start showing some yourself.

Helltotheno Thu 24-Jan-13 11:34:14

though not sure if Debretts have a chapter or not on this stuff?

Bwaaa-haaa.. I definitely think MN should petition for one though eh??!

OP I do have sympathy for you. I think your head is full of romantic notions of charming princes and you want a bit of love and affection not to mention a shag and instead you get swinger boy offering himself on a plate... I partly see why you're disillusioned but you have to see how you've overreacted. At least he was open. At least you know (though nobody actually does know in this case) that his wife knew about it, and it's still more honest than the hypocricy of people in supposedly monogomous relationships shagging rings around them (see other threads on this board).

Don't expect this to be the last married man who propositions you, only in most cases, the wife won't know!

itsahardlifegodfrey Thu 24-Jan-13 21:48:30

I was thinking it came under the heading of 'unwanted sexual harrassment'.

Do you think an unwanted sexual advance is a criminal offence?

Stropzilla Thu 24-Jan-13 22:00:12

I would have thought it was only unwanted sexual harassment if he knew it was unwanted? If he'd carried on after then yes but is just asking the question sexual harassment? Genuine question.

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