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So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...(302 Posts)
and I'm lost.
We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.
We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.
I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.
My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.
I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.
Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.
I dont recognise you, but I wanted to send you some love and gentle hugs, I know it doesnt seem like it - but you can and will get through this and DH - he is a selfish twat and I wouldnt be at all surprised if he is back tail between his legs shortly.
I'm so sorry. Please just focus on the wellbeing of yourself, your unborn child and the dc`s.
Do you have any support?
He hasn't 'fallen out of love with you' then he has cheated on you, which has made him think he has. What a turd when you are pregnant with a planned baby? Joining a dating site - what on earth was he thinking? I'm really sorry this has happened to you. He's not behaving like a good man at all.
Ask for this to be moved to Relationships. You will get great advice and support there. Including information on The Script your H is currently following due to the fact that he is cheating. He HAS to tell you he doesn't love you because if he didn't then he would just be a selfish arsehole, conducting a seedy affair, who left his pregnant wife and three children ...........oh wait! . It has to be somehow made to be your fault so he can keep justifying running away from his life and responsibilities.
I hope all goes well with your scan, just try to focus on that for now <<hugs>>.
I'm so sorry and angry on your behalf. He does not deserve you.
What a bastard. You deserve so much better.
Please get yourself some RL support from friends, family and professionals. Has he left the family home yet?
I'm so sorry, what a shit
Thank you all for the words of support
I do have a couple of friends I have been talking to and of course my parents, who are all really trying to help while in complete disbelief that he would do this.
Another difficult aspect of all this is, I don't drive, we live 2 miles from the nearest bus stop and there's absolutely no paths for the whole 2 miles. 1 friend lives too far away to help, the other works all hours, and my dad can't drive for another 2 weeks due to the heart attack, how do I not rely on him for the next 2 weeks?
My son had an allergic reaction and needs to go to the doctors this morning, I've had to call him and I hate it.
What a rotten situation for you, Beckett. I am really sorry that you've found yourself here
However, as a stranger who is able to comment on this impartially, he sounds like a right fucking tool. He has decided to end your relationship when you are probably at a vulnerable point in your life and from what you say, there is likely another woman involved. Well, what a bastard. I suspect that your sadness will turn to anger and that is when you can start making progress.
Do not feel badly for needing to contact him regarding the children. They are his children, too. He owes them. You are not relying on him. He has a duty to help in the care of his children. And make sure he knows this.
Well I don't think he's met up with or 'been' with anyone else, but has been messaging quite graphic material, I asked him to be honest with me and that's what he said, I needed to know because if he's been sleeping around I would want to go get checked out and I'm 100% certain he wouldn't risk my health or that of the babies.
He is an arsehole he says he's felt like this for months, I've only noticed things being 'different' since just before the new year.
We're telling the younger 2 this afternoon, I can't lie or pretend to them anymore.
H wants us to be friends, thought I'd give it a go for a little while after he dropped us off from the doctors and my eldest has just told
me she feels better already after watching us still get on, which is great, if that's what it takes to help them get through this, but am I letting him off too easily?
I just have no idea what I'm doing
Just wanted to offer my advice-feel free to ignore.
Please do NOT BE FRIENDS with this
pigman. Obviously you will have to be civil to him (for the childrens sake not his) but that is all. After the disgusting way he has treated you he deserves nothing more.
Best of luck with your new baby and other children for you
I agree be civil in front of the children for their sake but not for his...he truly wants it all his own way doesn't he?? What an arsehole....don't make this easy for him either!
Hi OP. Take this over to Relationships - there are lots of women who have been in the same position as you and will give good advice.
He is pretending that there have been relationship problems for a while so he can justify his behaviour to himself. This is part of the script.
The single most effective thing you can do right now is to make him leave the home and make him realise he cannot have the comforts of home life while withdrawing from your relationship. It's incredibly cruel to tell you he is no longer in love with you and expect you to live with him. It will eat you up inside. Chuck him out and get taxis everywhere if you have to.
Oh he's not living here, he was gone the moment I found out and yes I hate him for giving up on the last 16 years, for breaking mine and my children's hearts, for willingly doing this to us.
I feel sick at the thought of telling them in a little while, but if being friendly makes the children feel better, is that not a good thing?
You should try to have a civil co-parenting relationship - and make sure he steps up and does his fair share - you will need time to yourself to rebuild your life. But you don't owe him friendship.
I am so so sorry for your children. Would it be possible for him to be there and tell them? Might make him face up to the reality of what he has done.
Really recommend going over to relationships. You can do it by reporting your thread and asking for it to be moved.
What a shitty, shitty piece of work he is.
You don't need to be friendly (it won't make the children feel better anyway)- civility is all you need. Of course he wants to be friends- that's just so he can tell himself that what he's done isn't that bad, that you were 'more like friends anyway', that he hasn't hurt you and the DC deliberately and cruelly. He doesn't deserve your friendship- he forfeited that expectation the moment he opened his selfish gob and turned your and your DC's world upside down and inside out.
Look after yourself and start building up your defences (physical, mental and emotional) against him. You will be fine.
This was me 10 weeks ago (minus the pregnancy).
As predicted by many people he did have someone else and it wasn't just the dating site that was the problem.
And also as predicted by many, he was back after 6 weeks in tears crying and begging me to take him back, desperate to be friends at least...
I told him I was just embarrassed that I'd married someone so lacking in imagination that strangers on the internet accurately predicted everything he went on to say/do/reveal.
My ex was also my best friend and the only person I'd ever really trusted.
He's had a breakdown and is now in counselling because he can't cope with what he's done. He misses his children, claims to miss me, has lost respect at work, is back living with his parents...
Me? Well I have a few weeks of hell where (as also predicted by people on here) I cried on the school secretary, my friend's dad, the GP (three times in a month), someone who runs an activity my son attends...
But now? Well I'm applying for new jobs, I've forced myself to make some friends, I go out a couple of times a week. I really enjoy the time I spend alone when the children are with their dad and I'm starting to make plans for the future.
It's early days and there are still days I when I feel like I can't face getting up and I'm terribly sad and lonely. But most of the time, I'm fine.
I found it easier to do the 'being friends' bit to begin with but now, I'm content with being civil. He isn't the person I married, or the person I thought he was, or the person I was friends with at school. He spent a lot of time saying "but you know me. You've known me for 20 years. You know the sort of person I am" and I just had to tell him that I had thought I did, but I was clearly wrong because the person I'd been friends with at school and the person I'd married would have never done this.
And the children?
Well the children miss the dad they had, but my eldest (14) is very unforgiving. And the 3 of us are now a team. A team that no one, but no one will ever hurt again.
Good luck. x
Don't leave your health to trust.
Get to a STI clinic and get a full check up for your own piece of mind.
My now ex husband did this. Told me he didn't love me on Boxing Day, and went to his new girlfriend i found out later! He made out it was all my fault to make him look better to everyone.
Our daughter was only 16 month old and I was distraught. BUT you will get through this eventually, take care of your baby and your family
Big hugs sent your way xx
I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you to be in. Have you spoken to the younger dc and are they alright?
It is very difficult for you that on top of this you still have to be dependent on him for transport. With the nearest bus-stop 2 miles away, you'll have to get a driving licence and a car as soon as you reasonably can. When your father is feeling better, perhaps he would spend some time helping you practice driving to build up some confidence. Are there neighbours around who you could turn to for help in the meantime if you need transport so you don't have to call him?
You poor poor thing. Please try and stay as calm as you can (easier said than done I know) for the sake of your little baby.
Being friendly is best for the children, there is no doubt about that at all. However, being friendly does not mean letting him think what he has done is ok.
I am so sorry. Get over to relationships, theres some fabulous advice on there.
These threads are so prevalent, makes me feel quite depressed. Is happy long marriage an unattainable goal these days?
The hatred I feel for him right now is astounding, he came back sat with me to tell the youngest 2, broke their hearts, gave it an hour and a half, then buggered off.
I was and still am dealing with the real fallout. My youngest who's 6 has taken it the hardest, keeps asking me "why did he have to leave?" and actually came out with the words, in-between sobs "I can't live like this".
We're all currently in my bed, I tried to get them to talk to me about things they're now afraid might happen and then to try to help, things they can now look forward to doing.
I do now have plans in place to start learning to drive and my dad can
start driving again next Friday.
He's taking me to the scan in a little bit, but doesn't want to go in, obviously that would make things a little too real for him and everything he's done over the last couple of days has been so incredibly selfish.
Something that seems to be difficult for me to get my head around is, I spend every second, every fibre if my being trying to make sure nothing hurts my children, protecting them with everything I have, and I had to watch someone who says he loves them, hurt them more than anything else ever could!
id b solicitored up an sendingg a letter from them sorting out money, and visitation times uick sharp.
routine - to set the future - if you let him come and go ass and when - he will let your children down when his next fuck comes along.
get a £10 mobile phone and use the number just to communicte with him via text, do not speak to him, unless answering the door with civility whilst ushering the children off.
get your house in order girl, they often think your world will simply end without them
o it now or do it later - but if you do it now - your showing him your strong and not fucking and fauning about crying over him. which is what he thinks your doing.
oh an when he asks about visiting times, - tell him you have to get your social life backon track? your not going to be single foreer either - and the baby might one day have a nice man to call daddy
<boom i went there>
Money wise, we don't have any, he has some debt but it's all in his name.
We've agreed on a visiting day for now starting next Saturday and only Saturday, his working hours make any other time difficult and as he's currently living with his mother he's not having them overnight just yet either.
If it was just me, this would be bareable and the tears would have been contained to my bedroom, but when it comes to my children I just can't help it, I can't stand them being in this much pain.
I am trying to get as much sorted as I can, my youngest asks "why can't everything go back to normal", so I'm going to work my arse off to give her a new normal.
I am trying to get as much sorted as I can, my youngest asks "why can't everything go back to normal", so I'm going to work my arse off to give her a new normal.
My ex came back and spent Christmas with us. It was no hardship on my part, I gave him jobs to do and he didn't have the nerve to say no to any of them!
He doesn't think what he did was ok and spending time with the children and me is only serving to make him feel more distant from us. He can see the tight little unit that we are, the new in jokes, the new normal, the happy contentedness and the love. Whilst he has to be satisfied with cold civility from me, disinterest from our eldest and the youngest is 6 and so naturally all over him, but I know it breaks his heart to leave her at the end.
Tough titties I say!
I hope the little tramp at work was worth it, but given that he's ended with her, and tried begging me to take him back, I doubt it.
I still feel devastated that he did this, my trust is shattered and I know that I'll never trust any man again (that's not just down to him, I have big trust issues anyway). But do you know what? I have the children, they're great and I love them. We have great fun together, we're starting to make connections with other people. And I don't feel the need for another man. I'm happy as we are. He is not. And to me, that's the sweetest taste of all.
Forgot to say, be strong and you WILL be fine. xx
<cheers Folkgirl, my new hero>
Beckett, he is a complete cunt.
I send you love.
Take courage from Folkgirl.
Do you have anyone to go with you tomorrow for the scan? Please don't go alone when you're feeling vulnerable.
Ask for your thread to be moved to relationships you will get great support from people who have had to deal with this situation or similar.
Beckett, it's not been easy and there have been some very wobbly days, and I expect there will be more in the future. But I lost everyone last year - my mum, my dad and then my husband. But I felt like I entered the New Year with a breath of fresh air.
Your husband has only proved himself to be a complete cunt (and I don't think I've ever said that before). I don't know where you live, but if there's anything I can do...
I had lots of lovely offers of support from MNers at the time and I didn't take anyone up on it in RL but that's because their kind words only gave me confidence that people in the real world would be there for me too if I reached out to them. And they were. Don't be afraid to do that too.
OP, I am thinking of you, not only for what you're going through but also for your scan today. Maybe that can be the focus for you and your other lovely DCs now? Let them become fully involved in preparing for their new sibling, choosing things for the nursery, giving them a new project. It won't take away the hurt, but may focus them a little on something other than the pain.
Another one here thinking FolkGirl is inspirational! Sometimes you need to hear from someone who is only a little bit further on than you are, but has succeeded to move forward so positively! Bravo!!
For your kids, do your best to try to sell the positives of this situation, reassure them that they come first etc. Make some plans perhaps to do something fun this weekend. Some kids like the idea of a two-centre family if it's dressed up as an advantage. He has to be part of this sales pitch as well, of course. Also, wanting to be civil for the children doesn't mean you can't tell them that you and Dad were making each other unhappy. Important they know this kind of thing or the separation won't make much sense.
Practically, as he's moved out I would apply to the CSA (you need money), have his NI number and work details handy when you do this, it speeds up the process
Apply for single person discount for council tax
Make a list of solicitors in your area and see which one you click with and instruct one ASAP.
If you haven't already, set up a bank account in your own name and move child benefit and tax credits to it, inform tax credits of your change in circumstances.
I would also empty the joint bank account and close it/freeze it. But that's me.
Gather all financial papers together, bank accounts, credit card information, payslips and file them safely. Any joint accounts you can close I would close or freeze, as over drafts on joint accounts hold both signatories liable for the repayment of any debts incurred, regardless of who incurred them.
Right now you need to ensure you are financially secure and think what you need to do to survive for the next few months. Tell friends and family and accept any and all offers of support.
Also and this is just me, but I would have a full STD check.
Everyone, you're lovely, especially folkgirl.
My eldest went to the scan with me and everything's good and she loved being able to see the baby bounce around.
H hit a whole new low today and tbh, I didn't think he could get any worse. Today he told me he's been a twat, he's been a cunt etc and he wants me to forgive him, I told him I didn't think it was likely but he could try. An hour later his mood had completely changed, turns out he had told other woman that I was pregnant and she'd told him to fuck off and never talk to him again, then she'd changed her mind told him she'd 'take him back' if he didn't have anything to do with me anymore.
I don't know this man, this person he's become is mean and cruel and now I'm angry, really want to be spiteful but don't know if that's childish?
He is a CPOS (cheating piece of shit). Totally understandable that you want to be spiteful, but it will probably be more devastating for him if you don't rise to his fuckwittery.
Have you told anyone in RL yet? It would be good for you to have some adult support around you - friends, family?
The practical advice above is good.
What an utter bastard.
I have gone from tears, to utter anger reading about your "d"h.
I would just tell him to fuck off frankly. Please dont sit around waiting for his decision. He can piss right off.
Yes, I've told people, I'm getting some support and help.
But good god I feel so so alone, trying so desperately to hold it together for the children, not even being able to cry myself to sleep as they don't want to be apart from me even while they're asleep.
So sorry I know how much this betrayal must hurt you. He is very much in the affair fog hence his cruelty, selfishness and arrogance - twat
You have already received lots of good advice so all I will say is to be kind to yourself and get RL support from friends, family and tell your midwife.
I agree don't rise to it.
He probably wants you to cry, beg and sit around in turmoil to see if you been lucky to get picked!
Oh and I forgot to say that he has decided, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.
I am scared that if he's going to do whatever she says that she might tell him not to see his children anymore too.
I know you have loads going on right now, but learn to drive ASAP. It will be important in becoming unreliant upon this tvvat. Do it now, before the new baby arrives because it will be much harder then.
Im so sorry Beckett what a heartless bastard.
If he does, your children need to know its nothing to do with them that he has run off. Honestly , I would plan mentally that he will do this how to minimise damage for your lovely children.
( and plan for the eventual return where he begs for you all back)
Good god what a shit.
He sounds totally fucked up and unhinged at the moment.
Let him get on with it - just worry about yourself, your kids and the one on the way.
...oh, yes, as Angelfootprints says - if he isn't begging you to take him back by March I'll eat my keyboard
Piece of shit! I see he's actually admitted it was more than a dating site.
My DS1 was 14, saw things in black and white and has utterly lost his respect for his father. He now sees him as a source of money only. My DS3 was 9 and found/finds it difficult, want to be 'fair' to his father, still loves him and misses him. DS2 has SN and little empathy, he's not bothered.
After a few weeks and 3 stone weight loss I realised I didn't actually miss him at all. I missed some grown up company, and financial security but he wasn't worth crying over. I really do hate him. 21 years together and 15 years married.
You will get through this. It's not easy but friends will want to help. Please take offers of help, think of things you need, sharing a bottle of wine or a takeaway etc. Get to a solicitor ASAP.
Well, what a great foundation their relationship's going to have It'll all come back to haunt them.
So sorry to hear what you are going through, Beckett3. You and your DC are not to blame and didn't deserve any of this.
What a fucking wanker of a man.
What a knob! You are 12 weeks pregnant FFS. Clearly the OW realises she has got herself involved with a married man, of already 3 children and who was clearly still sleepingwith his wife her self esteem must be rock bottom to resort to him.
You have 3 lovely children and very soon you will have a gorgeous, scrummy little baby. He will miss out. All those fabulous new born moments he will miss, but you and your DC will share together.
He will come crawling back. You'll have to look closely as his face will be so close to the dirt you might miss him though.
Isn't it easy to walk out on your life and your responsibilities
Would love to see how good his new life would be if you had said "fine, you stay here with the kids and I'll move in with my parents"
But then he knew you wouldn't because you love and respect your children more than you do yourself
I'm glad your daughter is so supportive. As everyone has said, he is the one who will miss out
Good luck and best wishes
I agree with other posters that the 'I'm not in love with you', 'things have been different since new year' and 'lets be friends' is just a smokescreen for someone who has been a shit exonerating themselves from their shit behaviour.
YOU are not to blame. The thing is, if there is relationship problems - there are ways to deal with them in a reasonable way, go for counselling, trial separation, etc. NOT joining a dating website and sending sexy text messages, that is what shit people do. How does that help ones current relationship?
Gather evidence, you need to see a solicitor and see how the land lies.
He is an utter cunt.
Get your house in order:
Set up own bank account
Get single occupancy council tax
Get child benifit into your account
Phone CSA (they are his children and he needs to pay for them)
Get a lawyer
He is going to tell you he's sorry. He's going to say he's being a twat and a fool and ask you to forgive him. He wants you to let him feel better about himself.
He's going to swing from crying and telling you how sorry he is, what a bastard he is and how he's ruined everything to how he'd never have done it if you hadn't made him feel like he had no alternative and how if you'd loved him he'd never have felt the need.
Don't rise to it. You'll only get upset out of frustration when he counters everything you say but that's because he knows he's talking bollocks. You won't be able to convince him, or reassure him, or make him see the truth, he's saying it to deflect all the responsibility onto you so that he can feel better about himself.
Seriously, when I was reading all the stuff on my thread with people saying "sorry sweetheart, but he's doing X, Y Z" and "just you wait and see, the next thing will be that..." and I read them all thinking people were very well intentioned, but they didn't know my husband; they didn't know the man I'd married. That he'd just made a terrible mistake, that he couldn't possibly be what these women were describing. That I probably had done something that had pushed him into it. The poor romantic soul that he is...
And do you know what? Every single one of them knew my husband better than I did. They called it accurately on every single thing.
I really wish you well for the future and can't stress enough that you will be ok. He's the one who's going to miss out on this beautiful family that he no longer deserves to be a part of (but has every responsibility to support).
Shortly after it happened I spoke with my children and told them that we are the team now and that no matter what, the 3 of us are indestructable. We have cried together (I want them to know that I feel their pain but without asking them to make me feel better). School have been great. Everyone who knows them says how well they are doing. And your children will be the same.
We made a habit the first couple of weeks of eating things we liked but that we didn't have as a rule because my ex didn't like it, and we had a few flexible bedtimes where we all bundled up on the sofa eating popcorn and watching a DVD, just to reassure them that there was still fun in our lives and that their dad had ruined it for himself, but not for us.
As I said the other day, my ex is in counselling now to help him come to terms with what he has done, he's had a complete breakdown because of the guilt he feels. But it was his choice. He chose to do it. He deserves to feel this bad.
sorry this was long. xx
What a git,
You sound strong and your children sound lovely,
Get those driving lesson and hope the pregnancy goes well.
H hit a whole new low today and tbh, I didn't think he could get any worse
he going to hit a lot of new lows, that is his thing now.
Today he told me he's been a twat, he's been a cunt etc and he wants me to forgive him, I told him I didn't think it was likely but he could try
he is correct, but those things are to good for him
As for forgiving him, he has no right to ask that ever. If you ever chose to forgive him, that is entirely up to you, but he has NO right to ask you to.
An hour later his mood had completely changed, turns out he had told other woman that I was pregnant and she'd told him to fuck off and never talk to him again, then she'd changed her mind told him she'd 'take him back' if he didn't have anything to do with me anymore
they deserve each other, both are self serving stupid selfish people.
I don't know this man
that must be very hard and frightening for you, for someone who you have shared so much with, to go through such a dramatic change.
his person he's become is mean and cruel
stay away from him, do not listen to his dramas (above), limit the energy that you give him to information exchanges about child hand overs, you need your energy for the positive things in your life, tell him to get support from his family.
and now I'm angry
you are entitled to be, you were robbed, conned, done over and grieving for your planned life.
really want to be spiteful but don't know if that's childish?
No it a normal reaction, but you won't feel better long term if you do act on that feeling,
Shun him until you no longer feel negative when dealing with him,take as long as you need(your needs come before his), explain for your own health and sanity you can no longer give him space for his problems, and would he give you the courtesy of respecting your wishes.
wishing you loads of luck, take care.
Beckett I know you feel spiteful but the very best spite you can throw at the two of them is to get your stuff together and appear to be coping - even if you close the door and fall in a heap.
You will be ok. I'm really pleased you have some support in RL.
Honestly, it's good to divert the mind with practical tasks - to make you feel in control of the situation. A "fake-it til you make-it" type approach.
Do not waste precious energy or emotion thinking about beyond today - it might be that he decides not to have anything to do with the DC but he might not. Deal with that issue when it arises. Today's challenge is to get you and the kids sorted in your new world.
So I know you said you were learning to drive. How many lessons have you had? Have you applied for your theory test? Can you remove enough money from your joint accounts to cover the cost of 20-30 lessons and put them in a separate bank account?
What other practical things have you done/haven't you done?
I'm so sorry he isn't treating you and your children the way you all deserve. He is clearly a knobber.
I just wanted to say that the bravery on this thread is incredible. OP, I just think you are amazing, I know you probably don't feel like it now but your kids are so lucky to have a mum like you.
He has asked to be friends, before caving in to the OW like the sniveling weakling he sounds like, and asks you to forgive him.
1- friends don't shit on each other therefore he doesn't qualify to be a friend of yours.
2- forgiving is something that you would do for your benefit, not his. The benefit of forgiving is that we no longer carry the negative emotions. There is absolutely no need to inform them if we forgive, because it's none of their business. Therefore he can stew on it for the rest of his life, you do not owe him the peace of letting him off the hook.
It might be difficult to maintain a civil tone when speaking to him, so try to put it on a professional level. Ever booked a dentist appt.? That's the conversation you need to have. Professional, to the point, no personal comments or chit chat. He's no longer a part of your life because he chose not to be, so he doesn't get to ask you about your life.
Well done for learning to drive, that's fantastic for you.
Build a new normal for the DCs, is there something they'd like that he refused them? Could you start doing new activities with them? I know that will be difficult with a new born but you could make a start.
And get legal help, tell them you agreed to have another baby, expand the family because he wanted another and now he has walked away. Make it clear that you were committed to the marriage and family until he fucked off with someone else. The courts still don't like adultery even in this day and age
And remember to be kind to yourself. You didn't do this and don't let anyone tell you different.
I have now reported it to hopefully get it moved.
You all are wonderful, I'd just like you to know how much I've appreciated all that has been said and how much it has helped me to get through this so far.
Where abouts do you live? Check mn local boards I'm sure people would rally round o help.
I can't offer any advice as I've not been through this peeved I can hand hold and listen.
These bits really stood out for me.....
*I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.
He is an arsehole he says he's felt like this for months, I've only noticed things being 'different' since just before the new year.*
Me and my XH never argued, never fell out, had a good social life, good sex life, lovely home, 4yo DD. In February last year, he announced that he was unhappy, hadnt loved me for some time and walked out. I begged him to come back, he did, he stayed for 6 weeks, being loving, affectionate, lots of sex, then left again suddenly.
Later discovered that he had been texting his best mates wife, over 100 times a day, emailing her, facebooking her, flirting with her etc etc. I joined MN to get some help and advice on his "breakdown" or Mid Life Crisis as I saw it, only to be told by just about everybody, that he was having an affair and I was stupid not to see it.... Thanks to MN, I pushed on with divorce and the Absolute came through in November. My emotions are still all over the place, but better to be on my own than with that miserable excuse for a man.
It is SO sad how these men follow the same pattern every time..... AFTER they meet OW, they then suddenly decide that they have been unhappy for years, that its all the wife's fault, pick as many faults with her as they can find so that they have a good excuse to leave.
Your H is unbelieveable, to try and come back because OW doesnt want him, then to walk again because she changes her mind.
You do not need this man back. I know that you are pregnant and I know how difficult it is for you, but you deserve better than to be second choice.
Get some legal advice, find out about tax credits, benefits etc. Get the Council Tax discount. Get as much support as you can, from friends and family, your midwife, doctor etc.
There is an excellent book that I am reading called Runaway Husbands. They are all the same. Your H is not that special. He is following the well worn path of the script. Read the following thread....
If you want to PM me, feel free, I do know exactly what you are going through, apart from the being pregnant bit......
Blimey OP, you really are going through the mill. No advice from me, there's plenty of great ideas from other MNers here but just wanted to send you the biggest hug and hand hold today. I think you're amazing to be holding it together.
Your stbx however is perhaps well on the way to writing a book about how to completely screw up his and the lives of everyone close to him. Astoundingly crappy behaviour on his part.
If you're in Suffolk, drop me a line and I'll point you to lone parents groups round here.
What a sad thread. I don't have any advice really but I wanted to say that you seem very astute and sensible. Your DC's are lucky to have you.
I hope things don't take too long to settle down and I hope you get lots of support.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Oh OP, I can't say anymore than anyone else but wanted to add support for you and also to confirm that he is a piece of spineless shit. What a prize he has in his new woman. They seem very well suited. Just concentrate on you and your lovely children. You'll be strong for them and get through because we always do.
So sorry. Please look after yourself and your dc's. You will be ok- one day at a time. Nothing else to add but want you to know you have support here x
The children are doing wonderfully, the baby has given them something else to focus on.
I've started making the phone calls about money etc, again we didn't have any, I don't work, he made the money but I was in charge of it.
He's just been paid and I've just cleared most of our bank account, only left enough money to cover a little bit of fuel money, is that legal as he's the one that's earns it? I'm actually shaking as I write this, because I don't do mean and at the moment he has no way of paying any of his bills.
He's just became friends on Facebook with someone With the same first name of the other woman, too much of a coincidence right?
If it is her, which I'm pretty sure it is, he's flirting with her openly on there and if I can read it so can my eldest .
Also she appears to have 2 children, I thought I could handle it if he was going off to live a single life, but to swap his children for someone else's!
Oh and he's actually driving around in my car at the moment, even though I don't drive would it be resonable to ask for it back? I'm not sure I want to think about the fact they might have had sex in it and the sooner I get it back the less likely it is for that to have happened, I hope!
Take your car back, tell him to drop it off at your house. You will need it when you learn to drive anyway. Stay strong, you and the children will do brilliantly without him. What a wonderful Mum you are being for them.
Just wanted to say I am thinking of you op and yes it is legal to withdraw money from your joint account regardless of who earned it. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job for your dc. My parents split when I was ten, though more amicably, and DB aged 8 and I were devastated for a few weeks but mum always made sure we knew we were loved so much, and school, friendship dramas and life generally carrying on meant we felt much, much better within weeks. Sorting regular, predictable contact needs to be a condition of him continuing to see the dc; if he starts buggering about and lets them down try to keep contact minimal if he is not interested, and get him to explain why to them. They need to know this is his choice not yours. Huge sympathy...it will get better in time.
Hi Becket, whilst his behaviour is appalling (no excuses), there is only one person that you have any control over, and that is yourself.
There are a LOT of stress things coming out as to the 'story' behind his acting out. ...
and that is, how dependent you are on him. He has to be the big, strong, unafraid provider of a LOT of children - I have no doubt he read the headline yesterday about how much bringing up a child costs and timed it by 4 and wondered how he was going to do it - and another one. You.
What do you mean, you can't drive? How have you got to your age, without picking up this very basic adult skill? This man is trying to do a job, AND be completely responsible for you!
If you can't drive, why do you live in such a remote place? Can you see that the 'rescueing' comes back to one already overloaded man?
Come on, Beckets, time for you to roll up your sleeves and act. Move house closer to town, and book those lessons.
PS I am not telling you anything that I also have had to face [late driver myself, I won't tell you how many times I failed ] But you know when you go into counselling, they kick your arse too. And I had to face how my helplessness fed into his rescueing, and how what strain that dynamic faces. It doesn't work long term, neither person is living authentically. A group of men who have affairs are the super GOOD ones. They have to learn to get angry and protest rather than run away, and the helpless partner needs to face growing up. This is what this pain has been sent you to learn.
Good luck, I am not panning you but if he leaves you have to do this stuff anyway. So here is a huge pat of sympathy, book your first lesson today and I think you should look to moving otherwise.
Keep up, abitwobbly, OP has booked her first lessons as a result of this and is taking all those steps. No need to tell her off - she's making all those moves and doing really, really well.
So sorry, what horrible things he's done. Ignore anything negative he says about you, and his "reasons" for his actions, it's all bullshit. His choices, his weaknesses and selfishness, his fault.
Unfriend him in fb, then you won't have to see OW or anything about him. Better that way!
The financial stuff is urgent, you may be able to get benefits etc, don't put off investigating, and speaking to lawyers. If your H is in debt you want to make absolutely sure you're not liable.
With driving, really go for it with the lessons (or help from a friend if too expensive), or even move house? You'll need to be able to get everywhere yourself now.
With respect to your DD wanting you to be friends, you could tell her that you will be civil and discuss things to do with her and her siblings with their dad, but that you cannot be friends with people who treat you so badly
How are you this morning OP?
Yes, you need to look after yourself and your DCs so do not blame you for ensuring that there is enough money to tide you all over.
I would do a search for Olgaga's posts about finances/access etc.
I would be the dignified injured wife - you do not want be to seen as the crazed ex wife that your poor H had to get away from.
Quich question I really hope someone can answer?
Car is mine, but in his name, he's refusing to give it back, is there anything I can do?
You need to get legal advice about the car and other finance related stuff.
Bit drastic but if the car is really under your name, you can report the car as stolen to the police.
No the car is in his name, but my dad bought it for me.
In that case you need to get legal advice - all assets will need to be split at least 50:50 anyway.
Do you have a mortgage or rent? The most important thing (after food) is to make sure there is enough money to cover either of those.
I can't believe he won't give your car back... His real colours are out now
So sorry you're going through this Beckett.
With regard to the car, the fact that the V5 (logbook) is not relevant. I don't have one to hand, but I'm fairly sure that the front of the V5 states that having the document is not proof of ownership - it just shows who is responsible for taxing it.
New normal is a good thing. I split with exH years ago. He has continued to be an irresponsible, selfish, unreliable liar. DD is a lovely, well balanced 11 year old despite this. Don't make them promises their father will not keep - and as shitty as it is, all you can do is pick up the pieces when he lets them down. It's very telling that DD is quite often 'too busy' to come to the phone when he deigns to call.
Sorry, should say the fact that the V5 is in his name
above link taken from a Police website, which shows that the registered keeper is not the owner.
It's completely legal to remove any amount of money from a joint bank account. You could take it into overdraft and that would be legal if it was authorised, and he'd be just as liable as you for the debt. That's what a joint account means, it's irrelevant who pays in what. That can go against women with horrible exes but in this case it's just as well.
Have you contacted the CSA? 3 - soon to be 4 - kids will knock a sizeable chunk out of his salary, too. And her kids don't factor into that assessment at all.
Post a photo of the scan on his wall. It's his child too, and the OW deserves to see what she has done, frankly.
No nasty comment or dig at all, though. That's counterproductive. Just the pic and "thought you might appreciate a copy" type thing. Dignified is better, especially as it also reminds mutual friends and acquaintances of exactly what he's doing (many, I suspect, will have no idea at all that you're pregnant).
Hope you're ok today.
I agree. Be dignified. Perfectstorm is right.
What a nasty piece of work. Why won't he give your car back? Would a word from your dad to him help?
I'm sorry, what a shit thing to go through.
I would definitely also advocate moving somewhere less remote eventually, even when you can drive, it can be quite isolating.
Best of luck, you and your kids will be better off in the long run x
He came round today, just left actually and I know that I've probably made a fair few mistakes with our conversation.
He's keeping the car for now but is going to give it back as soon as I need it, in the mean time I get full control of the bank accounts and any wages he gets and I only have to let him have the bare neccessity to get by on.
I don't know if I should have agreed to that or not, but I was so worried about money and how long certain benefits would take to come into effect that I did
I did post a picture of the scan on Facebook, a friend then tagged him in it.
I also told him I was going to have a will drawn up before the c-section and want my dad to have full custody of the kids if anything happens and he agreed. We both know he could never be a full time dad.
When I woke up this morning (2.30), I was not doing well, but I feel stronger again now. Don't know how long that will last though
Hi Beckett, have read all of your thread. So sorry you are going through this shit at the moment. I honestly can't believe how many shitty men there are actually living and breathing!
I will bet my life savings that that relationship will not last. How dare she say he can't have anything to do with you and he dare he agree to that. Stupid bastard!
You will be okay OP, and you will have the last laugh! Take care xx
Who cares whether you make mistakes in the conversation - he will be kicking himself every time you talk too - at this stage they're highly charged conversations where emotions are dripping through every word and you are doing your best to protect interests associated with your immediate worries. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Well done you getting the money for this month. Of course, after he sees the reality of trying to live on the small amount next month might change - just be prepared for it.
Some of the benefits come through really quickly - others do take time.
The middle of the night is a lonely, scary time when you're going through what you are. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm really pleased that your DC are giving your pregnancy the attention and focus it deserves. I hope that this doesn't upset you but congratulations .
Big hugs op, so sorry this is happening.
You did the right thing by making him leave, giving yourself some space.
Folkgirl, for some reason I'm unable to reply to your message.
Never mind, think I did it now.
He's just wrote a message on fb telling everyone that we've separated, and everyone's telling him that he was right to do what felt right etc, of course he conveniently left off that he cheated.
When he's just be tagged in a scan picture?! What sort of 'friends' does he have
Also, although I've Put the money in another bank account that neither of us has cards for, I'm assuming he could go into a bank tomorrow and withdraw all of it?
He made all the right noises this morning but I guess that was just to get me to agree to him using the car. I now realise I can not believe anything he says, is this all part of the script too?
If he is a signatory on the account he can withdraw the money anytime he likes. You can't prevent it.
You need to put it in your own personal account to be sure. And at the whole Facebook thing.
I would be so so tempted - but don't do this - to tag his new freind in the scan picture and put
New Step mummy.
Possibly then his friends would not be so simpathetic to him
pond life that he is
Shame on his friends. Knowing that you and his eldest daughter may read their ignorant comments.
The truth will out.
OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I've been there 8 months ago. Yes it's all part of the script. Right now he is infatuated with her so she is the only thing he's interested in. It won't last, he'll be bagging you to take him back at some point but you probably won't want him back by then.
You need to assume that everything that he says from now on is lies. Do whatever is best for you and your DCs. It is hard to get your head around because you have loved and trusted him for years and suddenly you have to get into a different mindset, he on the other hand may have been planning this for months.
Right now you are in shock and probably will be for at least a couple of months but I promise you it will get better and you will be happy again.
I agree with all the postings about what an awful situation you're in, how shitty your H has been and how you are going to be ok!
I feel slightly guilty posting this as I don't want you to have any false hope or add to your stress. It's just I went though exactly the same thing just over a year ago.
My husband told me on my birthday (just before we were going to start trying for our second child), that he didn't love me, that he didn't want to be with me ect. And call me conceited but I just didn't believe him and instantly diagnosed him as being depressed.
It's taken ages and a whole lot of understanding and forgiveness but I've since learnt that depression runs in his family (though you don't talk about it, or god forbid take medication), he was completely unprepared to deal with all the challenges of family life and unable to express how he was feeling.
He told me that it was a plan to say all the horrible things that he did because he thought that it would help me move on! That I deserved so much better than him and what he was able to provide.
I think that it would have been very easy to have split up at that point but nothing that he said made any sence to me. I didn't feel that it was my H that I was dealing with but just a very poorly man.
This man isn't my husband, but this is the man he is now and I would love dearly not to have anything to do with him anymore, sadly for my children, I think I will get my wish.
He was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago, so I don't think it's that.
A slight funny thing happened a little while ago, it turns out that his sister has a mutual friend in common with the new bit, and of course his sister wasn't going to lie when this friend started asking questions!! He's gone and told the new bit that he's only known about the pregnancy since Tuesday, well she knows the truth now! H message his sister asking who she'd been talking to, because now hid new bit doesn't want anything to do with him!! I have no doubt she'll take him back, even though this is the 3rd lie she's caught him out in in the last week, but I can't help but hope he's feeling just a tiny bit of the grief he's caused his children.
Allrightsofar, have sent you a PM.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
They deserve each other. What a pair. You will have him moaning to you about how hard his life is further down the line I bet. Idiot.
Even she understands that a man who would walk on out his family when his wife was 12 weeks pregnant with a planned baby is lower than scum.
No, from now on you cannot trust anything he says or agrees to. This is utterly predictable from every other affair thread that has ever been on MN. Get the car back ASAP, and freeze joint savings accounts or empty them into an account that only you are a signatory to. This is legal as they are joint property. The risk is that he may move money where you cannot access it, blow it all or run up debt on joint accounts. This isn't the person you think you know - he is more than capable right now of hurting you financially.
I'm sorry but you have to get yourself into the mindset that from now on you cannot trust him to do anything he says he will.
Start protecting yourself and the DC financially - take copies of all documents relating to his pay, pensions, investments etc. and keep them somewhere safe. Apply for single occupancy reduction on council tax, and to the CSA, and transfer any benefits to your own account. Don't make any agreements with him about money until you have seen a family law solicitor - try to see a couple this week using the free half hour consultation that many of them give. You do also need to get an STD check for your own health and that of the baby.
Don't allow him to just come and go at the house - he needs to see the children away from the house so he is not coming into your private space or confusing the children, making them think he might come back.
Blocking him on Facebook might spare you some pain too.
I moved a chunk of money into a separate bank account this morning, he doesn't as yet know.
I'll be applying to the csa as soon as the children are at school Monday morning.
I have all documents here and tbh I don't think he'd even think about asking for any of them.
I'm dubious over other womans morals as she is letting him her house with her children already after only meeting him for the first time Monday and I can't get my head round that at all.
It's pretty much a joke, him and the OW. A terrible, cliched, embarrassing joke. The reality is that her shock over the baby means she thought he didn't sleep with you anymore. She already knew he cheated on you - then she found out he cheated on her, too. Then she found out he lied to her over when he knew about the baby, and she'll be unable to resist digging for more info in future, so she'll learn the baby was wanted, too. No new relationship can cope with that level of doubt and insecurity - and she has kids who will have their own feelings about his moving in and are unlikely to be slow about showing them, when the novelty wears off if not immediately. He's also going to be a financial drain on her, because his salary will be chopped into a lot with 4 kids to support. It's got "disaster" written all over it in 50 feet high letters of fire.
It doesn't really matter, because she's not the main issue, sadly - he is, and what he has done and is doing. But that "relationship" is as likely to survive as snow in July. It makes Titanic look realistic. (And probably with a happier ending...)
You're being so together and brave about it all. It's horrible how often this happens on MN, but you are coping so amazingly. I hope you're taking the time to look after yourself and the little one, as well as your kids.
I know it's not Mumsnetty, but sod it: I am sending you a huge hug.
I appreciate the hugs! And everyone's kind words which really are helping me get through this.
My pregnancy nausea is awful, I'm heaving at the slightest thing and can barely eat anything, it's even keeping me from getting much sleep.
The children and the baby are getting me through this, they are what is making me strong.
Nothing your H and OW do in the near future will make any sense at all to a reasonable human being, but that is because they desperately need to pretend to themselves that this is some grand love story. It's how they rationalise the way they are treating and deceiving everyone.
Don't waste too much emotional energy on OW - obviously she is not the brightest bunny in the warren if she can fall for the 'my wife and I don't sleep together anymore' line - stay angry with your H! He is the one who owed you loyalty and respect.
I said about taking copies of everything because it is a fairly easy thing to do that could save a lot of annoyance down the road - you really can't predict what he will do - one MNer's ex-H who buggered off stripped their house of most of their stuff and kept letting himself back in for bits and pieces, which was obviously very distressing.
You're going to emerge from this much, much better than you could ever imagine - you're fantastically brave and capable, you've got your lovely DC, and there's a horde of MNers behind you!
<hugs Beckett for good measure while nobody is looking>
FairPhyllis you really made me laugh!
I don't feel much towards the other woman, except insulted. I know that H has had a choice in everything and he's the one that will have to live with his decisions.
I took his house keys off of him the day I found out, I actually hate strangers in my house and that's what he is now. I also have paperwork hidden/shoved away in several different places and I doubt he'd be able to find them all even if somehow he got the chance.
I've just caught up with this thread and I feel so sorry for you Beckett.
Not much to add to the excellent advice so far, other than please get your midwife to arrange some sexual health screening, because it is absolutely inconceivable that he hadn't already had sex with this woman before he left. Stop trusting anything he tells you and stop thinking that he wouldn't stoop so low as to risk your health and that of your unborn child. He would.
Funnily enough Charbon I've just been looking into whether I can get tested at my doctors or if I have to go to a special clinic, having never had to worry about any of this before I don't have a clue. Do they do it at the doctors? It would be handier if they did.
It's really important that you speak to your midwives about it and they will make the arrangements for the tests to be done.
Beckett, I have no extra advice to offer you but boy you sound amazing.
Thank you AnyFucker, I don't feel very amazing though. Despite that and normally having quite low self esteem I've just realised I've never once asked myself 'what did I do wrong', now I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it, but I straight away realised this was all him.
It is all him. You are quite correct. No matter what you did, or didn't do, you couldn't have prevented this.
Just came on to post exactly what AF did. You sound amazingly strong, OP. You might not feel it right now, but you really are.
Sorry this is happening for you.
If you ask your midwife i'm sure they will bring forward the screening which they do as part of the pregnancy. Just worth checking what the pregnancy based sexual health tests are - I know I was tested for a number including HIV as routine - then you can check whether there's a gap that needs to be filled through GP/clinic.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Another vote for your being amazing. Believe it or not, your kids are lucky. Plenty have two useless parents. They have a mum who makes up for ooh, probably about 3 or 4 more average ones.
I'm so sorry you are having to see them go through this, and I hope your father is doing okay, too.
As you can see you are far from alone. I know the usual advice is to defriend DH on FB but I haven't as it has actually helped. I announced our separation in (even if I say so myself) a dignified manner restricting it to him admitting that he had never loved me and making no mention of the OW. I was overwhelmed by the messages of support which XH and his family saw. He couldn't argue with anything I had written and knew that I had been restrained. I know reading everyone's comments came as a shock to him and had far more impact than anything I could have said direct to him.
You're doing so well and you will get loads of support from the wonderful posters on MN.
schmaltzing - it is correct, but when I asked about this I was told the results were for studies and not for me to get the results, so I would double check with your midwife
Reading my op is like reading the words of a stranger now, I know I felt like that then but it's feels so long ago.
He is continuing to tell lies on fb and every time I read them it makes me so angry that I most likely am going to block him on there, however would I be unreasonable to tell a few truths before I do? I will of course check with my eldest that she's ok with it and I wouldn't write anything she doesn't already know.
I can't get to the midwives until the week after next, I hope that's soon enough.
My dad is doing much better thank you perfectstorm, he's obviously frustrated that he can't help us much as the moment so is probably counting down the minutes until Friday!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Very tempting it must be but please do not respond to him on FB. It will backfire and make you look like the crazy ex, adding to the drama that him and OW will get off on - the star crossed lovers against the whole world etc.
Block him and detach.
Don't engage in FB games but do tell the people who matter to you so you and the dcs have plenty of RL support.
I agree. The only way Facebook may be useful is if you create a specific viewing list, just of the people you genuinely care for and want to know the truth, and write a simple, factual post of what happened without allowing yourself to lose temper/dignity, and that is easier than telling them individually, if you see what I mean. I found that easier when I lost a baby because facing people who didn't know, on an individual, real life basis, was too hard.
Of course he's going to lie. How can he admit to the truth? If he does he has to admit he's a creep. In a way, the lies just prove he knows what he's done is terribly, terribly wrong - or he wouldn't need to lie.
Glad your dad is coming on okay. xx
hi ... just caught up with thread ... I am not in your situation but experienced it from the other side as an 18 year old (my sister was 15) ... it was my mum that left after an affair for the other man although he changed his mind too and my parents eventually got back together after a year.
I think you are amazing being very strong and together I don't think I could be like that. I salute you.
re your daughter I would say try to ensure she doesn't think all men are untrustworthy scum! and try to involve her as much as you can re this new baby picking names etc as she will love it! she will be your lifelong friend! my mum is mine - once I got over the hurt. and the other advice I can give as a property lawyer is tempting as it may be DO NOT think about selling your house when pregnant... I saw someone had suggested this but its a lot of paperwork and stress (before the packing and moving itself) you definitely don't need that when pregnant.
please keep us updated it is so inspiring to see you handle this so positively you truly are some kind of superwoman!
Zcos you're superwoman comment just made me cry but in a good way!
You're right, I won't play his game and he will be blocked.
I don't own my own home, like I said we never had any money!
I will not be taking him back, for the first time in a long time I'm making decisions that I want to make, doing what I want to do and feel freer than i ever have and anyway, what kind of an example would that be to my children, he's behaved appallingly and been needlessly cruel, how could I ever take him back and let my children think that behaving like that is acceptable?
I too think you are amazing to be so level headed after such a big shock. He has messed with the wrong woman, he probably expected you to be falling at his feet begging him back to boost his ego even more. It took me five weeks to get to the point that you are already at - not blaming myself and realising that I didn't actually want him back.
Are you managing to eat ok?
Thank you Kaykat and everyone else that thinks I'm amazing, I promise I will try to believe it.
Eating isn't going well, even the thought of food makes me heave. I'm managing to force down most of a sandwich every day and most days I can take my vitamins without bringing them back up too.
Beckett, I've been lurking cos I'm not sure i have any advice that isn't being said elsewhere but I'm cheering you on... Not only are you feeling pg sick - which I know from experience is awful and leaves you feeling wrung out and grotty - but you're taking care of three children as well. That's enough ti be going on with, even without your Ex sodding off and broadcasting details to people on fb (a detail which sums up his appalling behaviour I feel - I mean - who does that?!) I agree with the whole star crossed lovers - bonding thing discussed above and I have to tell you, if someone on my fb was posting any info like Ex is, I would be horrified. Dont respond - he's making himself out to be such a prat anyway that people will be judging him without the need got you to put the boot in.
I love that you're taking control and that you are setting such a dignified and strong example for your children, especially DD.
and and now go have a sit down and make sure your drinking plenty of water x <<no one looking? Huge hug!>>
I too have been following your thread... and think you are amazing. So strong and brave and a big rock for your precious family.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when HIS world come crashing down in the near future and when he finally realizes he effed up big time!
Keep strong.. and hope the morning sickness passes soon!
So blocking him didnt quite work, my daughter informed me this evening that they're posting that they love each other on each others Walls. My poor girl had to read that
I'm amused at it though as I know all his family and friends can read it and know that his daughter can too and if they have any morals will realise how awful his actions are and I didn't even have to do a thing!
Feels strange to be pleased to have made someone cry! I think it may be worth mentioning to him that his daughter can see those posts on Facebook and its upsetting her in a matter of fact way or maybe encourage her to explain how she feels about it. I think it is important for her to probably be honest with her father too. Not sure if anyone else has posted about this but think its important for her to talk through how she feels to is there any counselling available in school? Or if she has a good friend she trusts as well.
Your poor daughter
What an utter bastard he is
Is this behaviour really that unusual for him or has he always been lacking in empathy and maturity that he would inflict such a vomit inducing display upon his own child?
I Have already asked him to consider his children's feelings before he writes anything on fb, as you can see that has had no effect. She is going to see the school councillor this week and a few of her teachers have told her she is more than welcome to come and talk to them, on top of that she does have a few friends including one that lives next door so if there's anything she doesn't want to talk to me about she could always go there.
I've spoken to my other twos head teacher who I've known for 10 years now and she's going to make sure she or someone else is available for them to talk to at school at any time.
I'm really trying to think about his behaviour and how little respect he has for his children and I'm slowly realising that he's never been a great father, probably mostly telling by the fact the children haven't really noticed his absence that much and when he came round Friday they didn't cry when he left. He did used to get angry with them alot and they told me that I'm a lot funner now, which I realise is because I'm not having to tell them to be quiet so much or not to run around everywhere incase it upset their daddy.
Beckett - that your children describe you as being more fun in the current circumstances (even with pregnancy sickness!) speaks volumes about you and also reveals a lot about him as a father, doesn't it?
It's good that your DC have good support apart from you iyswim - it takes a little pressure off all of you. What about you? Do you have RL support? Hope you've managed food n drink today x
It's fab all that you have sorted for your children to have support network... Wonderful that your separation is doing you wonders... Your going to come out the other side of this much stronger and by the sound of it much more fun keep repeating that to yourself when the going gets tough! It sounds like you have just been carrying him for years! What a weight off!
beckett, try drinking milk if you can as it has a lot of goodness in it and if you are not eating much at least your body is getting fluid and a food source in one. I hated milk and so put camp coffee in to drink it
I am sorry that you are having to go through this and unfortunately I have been where you are now and all I can say is you are strong from what you have written and you will be a rock for your dc.
This baby will be a distraction for your dc to love and look forward to, give yourself time to grieve for the lost marriage and then move on - think of yourself some of the time. It is easy to keep thinking of the children you have and the child yet to come, but you need a bit of head space to.
They both sound about 12.
After my XH left, I list my appetite and ate half a banana and half a sandwich a day and a multi vitamin. !
I was convinced that the multi vitamin would keep me going lol.
Obviously you are pregnant so you need to eat. Bananas, hot chocolate, things like that will help to keep you going. Cereal is also good for you if you could eat a small bowlful.
could try soy milk too I love the chocolate one full of nutrition but doesn't feel as heavy as dairy! give yourself lots of treats if you can aswell as trying to eat healthy some food better than no food!
I'm really trying to think about his behaviour and how little respect he has for his children and I'm slowly realising that he's never been a great father, probably mostly telling by the fact the children haven't really noticed his absence that much and when he came round Friday they didn't cry when he left. He did used to get angry with them alot and they told me that I'm a lot funner now, which I realise is because I'm not having to tell them to be quiet so much or not to run around everywhere incase it upset their daddy.
Gosh, yes that sounds familiar too. I don't want to hijack, but I thought it might help to compare your own position with someone else's.
I thought my husband was a good father, but now I realise that that's because he spent a lot of time telling me that he was a good father. But a lot of that is because he was comparing himself to the very lowest sort of dad. So, "I'm a good father, I don't spend all my time at the pub and then come home drunk and abuse everyone"; "I'm a good father. All those men who are proud of never having changed a nappy should be ashamed of themselves". So yes, he spent a lot of time patting himself on the back for being a good dad because he wasn't a shit one!
He asked DS last weekend how he felt about him not living at home anymore and DS told said "well when you were here I hardly ever saw you. You were out quite a lot and when you were in you were on the laptop or the ipad. I suppose now when we see you we actually do something together"
He's used that as justification for him doing what he did!
He came round the other night for something and snapped at DS before he'd even come through the door. When DS responded by saying "nice to see you too" and walking upstairs, his dad shouted at him for being rude and started with the exasperated head in the hands business. He walked in the living room and was 'irritated by' me.. But he got pretty short shrift and when he'd gone DS said "I'd forgotten about all that. I'm so glad we don't have to live with that anymore" I think I'd just become desensitised to it. My dad was the same!
It's funny how the realisation is slow...
You are doing amazingly. He is an idiot and pathetic. I don't know what gets into them that makes them behave like this, I really don't! Your children are lucky to have you.
Today was a day I really wasn't looking forward to, my youngest two have been off school since they found out, with permission from the head teacher, eldest had a couple of days off but as she's doing gcse's she had to go back ASAP.
So this is me, all alone for the first time since we found out. This parts not so easy, there's no one around to have to be strong for, too much time to think
Beckett, that's what MN is for. There's always someone here to talk to or a funny thread to get immersed in. It's been a real life saver for me.
I lost 2 stone within 3 months of my ex H leaving me for his OW. For me it was a silver lining, as I was very overweight. I lost another 2 stone over the next year and I'm now a healthy weight for the first time in years. But I wasn't pregnant. You need to eat as healthily as you can for baby's sake, I guess. A couple of weeks of feeling too sick to eat won't do much harm, though. Are you a healthy weight at the moment? Or overweight? Just maintaining your weight and eating healthy foods will be good enough for now. Easier said than done, I guess...
You need those times when there's nobody to be strong for, to do your grieving. Let it all out and don't bottle it up.
Have you managed any food today? Small portions of whatever you fancy are what I'd suggest.
Beckett, tell your dd that she can block him on FB too, if she wants. She might feel that she has to be friends with him but the poor pet shouldn't have to read their fawning crap!
Be kind to yourself today. Curl up on the sofa and don't even think about anything else.
CremeEgg is right. You need this time to fall apart and do your grieving so that you can be together for the children when they're there.
You are doing brilliantly.
MN has been brilliant, a wonderful distraction whenever I have needed it and brilliant advice when I've neede that too.
I did break down when I walked in the door this morning and I do keep shedding the odd tear, but I can't be sure any of it is for me. I think it's more about what they've lost.
Just had a look and I've lost 5lbs, I have got quite a bit to spare but I am trying so hard to eat, but even the thought makes me start heaving again.
You are an amazing, strong lady. Your children are so lucky to have you. XXX
It doesn't matter who the tears are for.
Your children will be fine. My 14 year old was very angry for the first few weeks but I think that a lot of that was fear about how his life was going to change. He's actually coping with it now a lot better than I thought he would.
And a lot of is depends on how you handle it.
But it sounds like you're doing a fab job. xxx
Potatoes worked for me. I would buy that ready made mash and eat a few spoonfuls of that. I was pg too so I know how awful it was every time I put food in my mouth I would heave even thinking of food made me want to puke.
I can almost guarantee he wil be back within a couple of months begging for forgiveness and love bombing you.
I just wish I could let you know that you will be ok. You will feel total devastation now but he is the one that is long term broke not you, you will heal.
I can almost guarantee he wil be back within a couple of months begging for forgiveness and love bombing you.
Yeah, me too
I also wish I could share some of how I'm feeling now with you. Just so you can glimpse just how much better it can get. And how much better you will feel in a relatively short time.
Your husband is behaving particularly disrespectfully in terms of his FB behaviour. But people will soon start thinking he's an idiot if they haven't already.
What area of the country are you in?
If you can afford it, maybe get a massage? You tend to store stress like this in your muscles and it always gives me headaches. Pregnancy, and massages really helped, as I couldn't take pain relief.
Don't worry about the food, lots of women lose weight in early preg. and even those with hyperemesis have healthy babies.
You're being so strong. Mourning the life you thought you had, and would have, doesn't alter that. You're human, and being a remarkably courageous one.
Be kind to yourself. Spoil yourself a little.
Yeah I agree spoil yourself. I spent loads on nice smellies for the bath and psh body lotion. I also read a lot in the early days was nice to go into someone else's world of a while.
Just read this thread nearly in tears.
You sound so strong and really are a fantastic mum.
Have a good cry when you need it - it can be very cathartic.
I know it's hard but don't car what your ex writes on FB - no-one who knows you have 3 children and a 4th on the way can possibly see him writing I love you to another woman without thinking "wanker".
Keep posting - some brilliant advice here - really MN at its best.
hope your day was good - a good day doesn't necessarily mean no tears or down time! I think carbs are good / keep downable donuts ... your growing baby can go weeks and weeks without any nutrition ... knowing that was very reassuring when preg ... if you haven't already done so get some preg vits so that may reassure you!
and hasn't he already come back begging forgiveness ? get through each day now trashy tv books whatever you can enjoy and look to the future now too your son and daughter and baby will make a great team!
sending LOVE and HUGS
so fucking sad
I have never felt so lonely, I used to look forward to Tuesdays for some adult conversation, we were always stuck in on Sundays and Mondays. I know I have my children and so thankful for that, but now until I learn to drive all I see is an endless amount of being stuck in days.
I wouldn't know where to start in treating myself, even birthday and Christmas presents were mostly pratical stuff that we needed and any spare money I had went on the children or him.
This part is a bit light hearted and me being silly, but he's such a twat!
My eldest told me he's put on fb that he's buying takeaway for the new thing and her children tonight, so I sent him a message saying as he has some extra money his children will be looking forward to their takeaway Saturday when he comes round, he sent one back saying he has no money, I said clearly he has as he's buying takeaway tonight and so now he wants to know who I have spying on him! Note this may seem pathetic to you all and I realise that is probably is, but it's made me laugh already today, so I don't care.
On a slightly more serious note, a friend has told me to look into spousal maintenance, do we even do that in this country and does anyone have any experience of it?
Well damn it Becketts your time is now. And now is the time to learn to spoil yourself. It doesn't have to be big just needs feels like a luxury. A hot chocolate with marshmallows in, a beautiful candle, a warm bubble bath, a walk around town looking at things you like, a magazine about something you love, a book, cinema matinee whilst the kids are out. Damn it mine is having two cups of tea in the morning in a mug that I love.
SM. My sister got it for two years to allow her time to get a job - it was about 5 years ago though. Get thee to a divorce lawyer. It doesn't have to cost ££££. My bill was about £600 in the end but I only used him to explain the process and check and file documents. He told me what needed agreeing. ExH and I agreed what we could out of lawyers clutches and then they helped the rest. It was fecking knackering though because he was a slippery abusive twunt. The cost was most emotional for me - not sure whether you'll want that during the pregnancy.
Spousal Maintenance, it isn't common in the UK. I managed to squeeze a small amount out of my ex H for 5 years, but the (expensive) solicitor wasn't too hopeful. I think exH was just feeling a bit guilty so agreed to a little to compensate for my 10 years of being a SAHM, which wrecked my career. Not that I was forced to become a SAHM, but it was a mutual decision made when I thought we'd be together forever and it allowed his career to take off. So, basically, my exH can afford a small amount of SM on top of the maintenance but this was agreed as par of the settlement.
If your STBEXH has little disposable income, after he's paid maintenance for the kids and your assets have been divided up, you might not get any SM. Your asset division should be weighted in your favour, not because he was a cheating dick, unfortunately, but because the children are living with you and you need enough to provide a home for them. I got roughly 2/3 of our assets.
As far as child maintenance is concerned the CSA formula is 15% of his income for the youngest child, 5% for the next child and 5% for any further DC, so a max of 25%. Then for any time he has them overnight, 1/7 is taken off for each night per week he has them, or 1/7 for 2 nights a fortnight. In fact, it's 1/7 for every 52 nights per year, so you have to add on holidays etc. My ex has then for 3 nights a fortnight and some holidays, but it's still less than 104 nights a year, so only 1/7 is taken off.
Good luck with the driving lessons, I think they will be essential.
Wow Beckett3, just read the thread and wanted to say you are amazing. Keep strong and remember things will get better. He sounds like a complete shit and not the man you fell in love with.
He is just such an arse isn't he? And stupid.
Wishing you all the strength you need to get through each day of this crapola x
Oh yes, arse is the word. It always amazes me that people publish all sorts of things on fb and are then surprised when people know about it! Tosser of the first order your ex is, Becket.
You, on the other hand, are not. You are fantastic and strong and a brilliant mum. Your kids are very lucky.
Keep your chin up, and tell as many people as you possibly can what your exdick has done.
He thinks you're spying on him because you know stuff he published on a public platform.
What a twat!
Don't flatter yourself bozo
Lovely that he has "no money" for his own children.
Post on Legal for advice on spousal maintenance. Be aware that family courts have wide latitude and so decisions can vary a lot, but your position (pregnant SAHM) is factored in, as they need to look at the realistic chances of your being self-supporting, and a timescale for that. But they can't get money from a stone, so if there isn't much in the pot, they can't order he pays it. It depends on how much is there in the first place.
As the parent with care, housing the kids is first priority. If you own the house, then you will have a larger claim on it because you have more than 18 years ahead of you of parenting. There are various ways of seeking to ensure that. Again, post on legal - advice on this thread isn't going to be legally helpful, because law moves so fast textbooks are outdated inside 3 years. And the law varies a fair amount between Scotland and England/Wales, which further complicates things.
I think the CSA and a mediation appointment should be your first ports of call, together with a solicitor. You do need legal advice before attending the mediation appointment, so you know what you can expect.
Bear in mind you are entitled to a share of his pension, too. That's usually the largest asset after the house.
Sorry to sound so pragmatic, it's just that I think he will become increasingly less and less generous as he starts to justify what he's done to himself. selfish git won't see why his kids shouldn't subsidise his new lifestyle.
Bubble baths with lovely smellies are bliss. I think that's a fab suggestion.
On the 16th jan 2012, out of the blue, like a Nuclear bomb in our lives, my husband and partner of 28 years sent me an email shattering every assumption I had of or for our lives. He made a unilateral decision about our joint marriage. He gave us no chance what so ever for discussion. He told me what he believed I felt about our relationship. He gave/gives all the same shallow reasons that every man in this situation gives..as he approaches 50. We had/have so much, friendship, shared interests that had allowed us to acheive a lot. Our two wonderful sons 13 and 16. An amazing home, no major money worries...It seems insane.. and in the past year I have been to hell and beyond and I still have no idea how and why any of this makes sense to him. Our sons tried everything to make him see how 'they' felt, and they now feel he is not the man they thought him to be, that he could behave so appallingly. My heart aches for anyone just finding themselves in this devastating situation..it hardly ever makes any sense, I have tried to understand, to forgive, hope for reconciliation, not to throw everything away, and I believe in the end no one but the lawyers win...as my sons headmaster said to me with great compassion..the destruction caused in the name of sex can hardly be imagined.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
amamini I had the nuclear bomb on 24 February..... My Xh did the same, made the decision, had decided that I was unhappy as well as him and walked out on me and 4yo DD....
I too still struggle to make sense of what happened. I begged him to try again, even after he betrayed me.... I divorced him ASAP for several reasons.
There are so many sad stories like ours on MN, yet when I joined, I had never heard of anybody just walking out of a marriage in RL.......
Beckett - I hope you are doing OK. You are not alone, MN is here for you, and we will all help you
I'm starting to realise I'm not so strong, my friend who's been taking my eldest to school for me (her eldest goes there too) is ill today but still came out despite being sick most of the night and I feel so guilty, I did ask around to see if anyone else could do it but no one could at such short notice and I've just walked in the kitchen to see my youngest has forgotten her lunch box and I nearly broke down on the phone asking the school to let her know before she notices because she might get upset. Got off the phone and cried, I feel so useless.
Oh Beckett <hugs>. I would be the same. Even now, when something goes wrong, the most minor thing, it can really throw me and even ruin my whole day. As long as everything's going to plan, I cope, but if it doesn't, it's a different story....
Crying is normal. Believe it or not, it's good. You need to have an outlet to the crap you're dealing with otherwise, like a pressure cooker would, you would blow.
You will have days that are up, days that are down. And you will be able to manage really difficult tasks but will crumble at small tasks. It is being human - and in particular you are pregnant and human .
Not sure whether it will help you, but it helped me going through something similar, but there was a piece of research done in the 1960s by a lady called Kubler-Ross about the stages of grief called the change curve. It shows the emotions that people go through following bereavement. It has subsequently been used to help people go through all sorts of change and I used it to help myself understand how wobbly my emotions were (I was usually able to pinpoint a new piece of information or change in circumstance that was sending me back to the beginning again) and help me understand how others were reacting to the situation - it helped me realise that they might need more information, for example if they were in denial.
Change Curve if you're into that sort of thing
Apologies if you think it's a load of old bollocks.
And you are strong because you'll put in place plans that will prevent those two little things happening again.
Beckett - I don't know if it would help to get a really positive focus for your energy during the day and start studying for the theory part of the driving test? It needn't take too long to learn to drive and that would give you so much more freedom and make you feel more in control. (you might want to look into getting something that keeps the seat belt away from your bump). Could you make that a goal that would help both you and your children?
That is a good read, thank you, I do have acceptance but I keep dipping into the lowest part of stage 2.
The hardest part other than how badly he's treating the children and that he now doesn't want anything to do with this baby that he wanted not so long ago, is thinking of all the things we planned, of all the things I'll have to do by myself.
It really is the small things.
It's making me so determined that things won't be like this ever again.
Surely they'll be better to do together with your lovely children without having to tell them to be quiet and being the fun mum that clearly has been smothered under a self-imposed blanket to become the person that 'he' wanted you to be?
Don't be constrained by your old plans with him - those can be thrown out and you can make your own plans. Asking your oldest to be part of that - and even involving the other two on making the plans will help you to create your new future life together.
Even if there are things that you had planned and still end up doing - make them special to you and the children
Oh I know all of that and I'm looking forward to making a new, more fun future where the children are involved more and will be able to do more and I most definately prefer this to how things were before, for me anyway and I hope one day the children will see it too.
"the children haven't really noticed his absence that much and when he came round Friday they didn't cry when he left. He did used to get angry with them alot and they told me that I'm a lot funner now, which I realise is because I'm not having to tell them to be quiet so much or not to run around everywhere incase it upset their daddy."
They already do - you're clearly doing a fabulous job with them as their mum and they don't actually 'need' him - what's happened already proves that.
Oh Beckett I did the exact same thing with my daughter's lunch. I phoned the school to ask them to give her a school dinner because I just couldn't get my head round it all and they did.
But I cried on them.
And yes, my stbxh told me it was all my fault because I'd never really loved him. And that I wasn't happy either. He described a relationship that I certainly wasn't familiar with. And I had little or no right to reply either.
He's currently trying to be uber friendly. He's even arranged for his mother to babysit so that he can take me out! I mean WTF is that all about!!! He didn't ask, just phoned and told me. Crazy.
You are doing fantastically well. My son (14) told me a few weeks after he'd gone that he was really proud of me for how amazingly I was doing. I wasn't really. I was crying all the time, not eating, not sleeping... but I was keeping it together for the children.
And that's exactly what you are doing. And your children will be proud of you too.
I've also found that just taking control of the little things, making lists of things that need to be done and doing them is really helping. It's too early days for you to be doing that yet, but everytime I get something done I feel a sense of accomplishment. However small. The first day my daughter got to school with her glasses, hearing aids, book bag and her lunch and all before the classroom door closed was a day to be proud of indeed!
I don't mean to talk about myself, but it was really helpful to me to hear that other people had been through almost exactly the same things. It gave me hope and a sense of normality in a completely abnormal situation. If that makes sense.
Beckett I think what you're saying is normal - what you're doing is recognising the future you had planned and the relationship you thought your children had with their father and mourning it. You have to do that to let it go.
But there is a lovely, fun and different future out there for you. I set myself a series of challenges to test my ability to be a good parent and know I could provide a future that was fun for me and my boy. It ranged from knowing I could spend a Christmas and Easter by myself and not wallow
too much, go back-packing with DS, deal with a family crisis alone. I had this mental list that I gradually ticked off. And it was very life affirming. I got to the point where not only was I confident in myself and my ability to have fun but I was content. And it was lovely watching my little boy go from a very controlling environment to doing things for himself.
WRT to the children's relationship with their father I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to change what will be. You can't anticipate what it will be in one month, one year or one decade. I think you have to recognise you're worried about it, know that it upsets you and accept that nothing you can do will change the path he is going on.
Oh God Folk .... I'd forgotten ... my XH did the same. And I, stupidly, went because I thought I had to to have a cordial relationship for parenting purposes. He took me to see an Abba tribute band - after years of telling me that only stupid people liked their music. Well, he regretted it big time. All the songs were about splitting up. Laugh. I almost wet myself!
God there are a lot of knobbers around!
And you will keep moving about that curve. Tis normal. A research scientist said it and everything.
I was in the same boat 16 months ago. Every day I'm gratefull that stbxh left, my life is so much better now; even with the divorce issues and DD's upset at how her dad is with her. It all takes time to settle and for you to discover that a better life is out there for the taking, one that doesn't involve control and mindgames. Good luck.
I seem to be very emotional in the mornings and then as the day goes on I build 'the wall' back up again.
My eldest had a chat with the school councillor yesterday who encouraged her to tell me about what they had discussed. It turns out she's feeling left out from the family, my other 2 are very clingy as a result of what's happened and don't like to let me out of their site for too long, even at night time, which for now is fine with me, what ever reassurance I can give them. But she wants one on one time with me which at present isn't easy, especially being stuck in the house, I do try to stay up later with her in the evenings after the other 2 have fallen asleep, but sometimes I'm just so tired and obviously this isn't enough anyway.
I just explained that it wouldn't always be like this, when I get my licence we will go out but for now everything's a learning curve, I have to spread my full attention 3 ways and in less than 6 months, 4 ways.
Oh and TeaMakesItAllPossible you truly are wonderful, thank you.
I stuck up for myself today, he wanted to know something that I wasn't willing to tell him and he tried to bully it out of me, but I stood my ground! I haven't done that in such a long time
we'll forget that I'm still Shaking.
He actually then went outside for a little bit came back in and apologised! (He was here as he had to pick our eldest up from school).
Feeling proud of myself today.
well done--you have stood up for yourself and next till it will be easier.
aghhhh next time it will be easier
Well done, that is a big step forward. He will probably try messing you about less if he knows you won't stand for it so it will make life easier. Thinking of you.
Beckett, well done. That is an enormous step, the first time; as Doha says, next time it will easier. Congratulations!
I too mourned the life that I was losing, all the plans we had made, places we were going to go. But friends reminded me that me and DD could still do all those things together. The first time I went on holiday (caravan park) my mum came with me, but three months later at half term, I went on my own, drive on my own , did all the things I thought I couldn't go on my own.
It is a good idea to set yourself goals and things to do to keep yourself busy.
It is a good idea to set yourself goals and things to do to keep yourself busy.
That is so true! In fact, the more goals you make and the more things you do the better you will feel.
So even little things like taking his name off the car insurance made me feel so much stronger.
I love it Tea!
Yey. Goooooo Beckett.
Keep up the good work of knowing what you want and making sure it happens. And being assertive. Over time I found it easier to do "arrangements" by email. I refuse to answer any with controlling, bullying or nasty elements and only respond with factual information - remembering at all times the MN mantra of "no is a complete sentence"
Erm. And . Erm. Get on with doing nice things for you.
well done! I'm sure you are inspiring so many who are in the position you were when you wrote the op!
zcos I really would hope so and I know I've said it before, but, everyone thank you.
I ate some not properly cooked chicken last night bought from Sainsburys hot food counter, luckily I cottoned on pretty quickly so didn't eat very much at all, however I still had a pretty rough night of throwing up
The new thing messaged my sil this morning who I'm really close to, she showed me what the new thing wrote and while her attitude clearly stinks, it also appears that H has lied to her on more than 1 occasion. My sil's reply to her was beyond brilliant and she kept to facts without bringing anything I've said to her into it so nothing could come back to me.
Hope you feel better soon, Beckett. As if you didn't have enough to deal with .
Well today was h's first day to spend with the children, he wanted to do it here, I had previously asked him to take down the Christmas lights, yes they were still up and he did, but later told me he was under strict instructions not to do anything for me whatsoever. She wanted me, pregnant and all to climb up a ladder and unhook all the decorations and lights.
She also spent all day messaging him, accusing him of stuff, essentially not giving him any proper time to spend with the children. Then the icing on the cake was our eldest had asked him to take her somewhere to get new school shoes, yes we all went and apparently despite living 40 ish miles away and there being a closer store for her to go to, saw us all out in the car together
stalker much, he's now gone over there as she's told him it's over and he has to come pick his stuff up and has cut his time with the children short, does this sound like a plan to anyone else?
I'm now sitting here worried that she's going to make him choose between her and the children and I honestly don't have any idea what he'll decide.
Sorry no advice, but how entitled is this woman??? What sort of a human being cuts into a father's time with his DC like that??? The 'stalking' is a huge concern too. She obviously has serious issues...
She actually sounds evil Beckett3. She also sounds absolutely pathetic
and more than a bit unhinged .
How do you know her texts were accusing him of stuff? Did he tell you? He's not very good at this is he?
He is in deep shit.
I hope if she chucks him out you are not going to allow him back.
Beckett that all sounds very intense and crazy. If their relationship is based on lies already it won't last even if there are lots of passionate breakups and reunions. It already sounds like there is no trust there. She sounds very desperate to keep him on a leash. He sounds desperate to hold onto her. This is going to go very, very badly.
I strongly suggest distancing yourself and it might be worth playing a long game with the kids and their relationship with their father so they don't get caught up in any cross-fire.
Don't waste time thinking about them but spend the time making sure that you protect yourselves from him trying to make a return to the house if it all goes tits up and making sure you feel physically secure. Just little things so you feel comfortable - perhaps pruning bushes back, if you were going to change locks do it now, asking him to take his next set of belongings etc. - means that if it does get even more intense and the glare is pointed at you you don't have to panic about it and you are in control.
Gosh. May your Sunday be a day of rest!
It doesn't look like this relationship is going to last too long does it.
So now you need a plan! Decide what you want from all of this (which shouldn't depend on him, her or the state of your relationship) then stick to that, whatever happens.
This is going to be a stormy ride, the winds will keep changing and there'll be times when you don't know what's hit you.
Stick to the plan, write a script if you have to. You can do this!
Sorry cross posted with TeaMakesIt
Should say "depend on their relationship, not your relationship
The thing is, I'm a nice person, I'm trustworthy and I don't lie and I can't stand people that aren't and do. I wouldn't take him back, he's broken everything we had, which while wasn't great, I did see as special.
I don't know why he felt the need to tell me everything, but I'm glad I know what kind of a person she is (even more than before) and I am afraid she might know where we live or what schools the children go to.
I know their relationship was based on lies and I know he kept blaming other people when she kept finding out the truth.
Beckett, darling, I honestly wouldn't get involved in his drama.
Keep your discussions to issues about the children and any financial matters. Stop him and tell him you don't want to hear it, if he tries to bring up anything else.It will take time for the message to sink in, but you are pregnant and have enough to deal with, without having to hear all about them and their nasty, sordid mess of a 'relationship'.
Beckett - I agree with CremeEgg - his problems are nothing to do with you and you should politely tell him that. You sound quite strong and definite that you don't want him back which is good, but you do need to disengage from his problems...
This woman is a bitch if she is intruding on his time with his kids. That is an extreme form of jealousy. She stole a married man , she knew he had kids, therefore she knew what she was getting into.... she cannot expect him not to see those kids.
If he chooses her over his own children, then he really is a waste of space. I have already had this happen on occasion with my own XH and his OW.... it shows exactly where their priorities lie....
yes she sounds incredibly needy and a bit of a stalker sounds like she pays him a lot of attention- or he gets a lot of attention. He simply sounds like a big child that hasn't grown up to me. I'm sure you had some fun times because of that but at the moment he sounds like he is only capable of being a father part time. It's so strange how she is manipulating him too. Theirs does sound like a train wreck of a relationship so steer well clear!
Sorry to hear you were ill too...especially when its been such an effort to eat! hope your feeling better... and keep doing things making plans for things to look forward to even if its DVD and pop corn with kids.
She is not worth your headspace, and nor is their relationship.
The only thing which concerns you is your children. Keep a note of what contact is arranged and what actually happens. You may never need it, but do it anyway.
(but hey! She's a bloody witch and they both deserve each other.)
New thing admitted to H that she followed him(80 mile round trip) to make sure he wasn't having anything to do with me, so that's on top of intentionally ruining his day with the children, sending cruel and threatening messages to his sister and continuing to tag him in evrything on fb knowing how much it upsets his daughter, all in one day.
He can't see that what she did was wrong although has no excuse for it, he also can't even reassure me that if he takes the children out next week that she won't be following him, he can't reassure me that she doesn't know where we live and if she was following she most likely does and he can't reassure me that she doesn't know where the children go to school, he also couldn't understand why I was worried about that!!
So I've told him that he can't see the children while she's in the picture, I have no idea if that was the right decision but with all that she did in that one day alone there's something clearly not right with her and I am genuinely scared that she knows where we live and a social worker friend of mine has suggested I inform the schools as well.
He thinks she's wonderful and just that no one sees what he can see. I've told him no more communication with me until he can see what everyone else can see.
I think you're doing the right thing.
I have had an experience with some similarities to what you're going through with OW. I removed all trace of me on-line. I changed the locks on the house. I cut back bushes around my property. The school was informed. I had a bar on switchboard forwarding calls to me at work. I took myself ex-directory. It was quite disconcerting because I felt every time I was out I was undertaking a risk assessment and could clock someone with the same hairstyle at 100m! I know it was a little over the top but it made me feel I was more in control.
And nothing ever happened despite my situation involving the threatening of violence and death. Just to reassure you .
I think you're doing the right thing too. As if everything he's put you through wasn't bad enough.
Just wanted to send virtual hugs. This really must be terrible for you. Your kids sound wonderful, as do you! Xx
She sounds unhinged to me! I think you are right informing school etc. Take care xxx
Desperately sorry you are in this situation. You and your kids sound fantastic, your ex sounds like a total arse.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
The term "bunny boiler" springs to mind.
I think you've made the right decision OP to keep the children away from her.
Sounds like he is in denial about her "issues" too
He is in such denial,I said so this Saturday you've got the children, you've taken them out somewhere, tell me she won't follow you in the car, that she won't be walking 3 steps behind wherever you go, and he couldn't!!!
He's going for a job interview with someone she knows next Saturday, quite a few miles away too, so he's most likely going to be 'trapped' with the bunny boiler (love that btw) if he gets that job. Not that I mind too much, he'll be far away and it pays more lol.
Just can not believe he's picked her, after 2 weeks, over his children.
Just read your thread.
What a weak man he is. I'm disgusted at the way he's treating you and the dcs. It'll all come back to haunt him. He's so selfish it's unbelievable. Plus sounds so immature.
She's a piece of work isn't she? Nutjob if ever I heard of one. I wouldn't want my dcs anywhere near her. Sounds like she's obsessed and quite scary.
Good luck to you and your dcs. He really is bad news am so sorry you've had to wait so long to realise. It's amazing how you can know someone so long yet not really 'know' them.
Tbh Beckett. The more I read about this the more of a shit he sounds. And the better off you sound out of it.
I bet your 14 year old daughter is overflowing with respect for him too
I can imagine some of how you are feeling, but do you know what? You might not be able to see it now, but you really are going to be the winner in this.
Tell the school and take other advice on protecting yourselves, just in case.
But when the dust settles, you will have your 4 amazing children and he'll be the one who's trapped with a silly psycho bitch. He hasn't chosen her over them. You've told him (quite rightly) that he can't see he whilst she's in the picture. He's burned his bridges and so he has to big her up and make the best of the situation whilst convincing himself and everyone else it wasn't a mistake. And she follows him around checking up on him (already!). Hardly sounds like storyline for the worlds greatest love story does it?!
My son and I went out to a gig on Saturday night. We had a great time and I've lost count of how many hugs I had yesterday or how many times I heard "I've had a great weekend, thanks. You're such a cool mum". Whilst he's finding every excuse possible to not see his dad alone.
Silly, silly man.
Both of them.
Tell him you don't want to know next time he starts talking about her.
They deserve each other.
I've just read this thread. My goodness, what a piece of work bunny boiler is - controlling in the extreme. He actually sounds scared of her - I wonder why? Is it because she is all he has left now?
You are doing brilliantly, and in such a short length of time too. Your children are so lucky to have you.
I think you should get your car back now though. He is using it to make his and her lives easier and that is just not on after how he has treated you.
Fucking hell! Just read your whole thread. Its taken a while! So much has happened in ten pages! You must feel like your world has been tipped upside down!
I find it incredibly that he can't see what's wrong with her behaviour!
Can i ask, with hindsight, do you think there were signs that he was morally void?
He's such an arse! Sorry you're going through this op.
ive just read this with my mouth like
You are doing amazingly well, he is a first class absolute prick of highest degree, and thats being kind - it sounds like he is going to get all he deserves with his new girlfriend. She really does sound unhinged - i think you have made the right decision with regards your ex seeing the kids.
What an idiot he is.
You have my utmost respect.
Grrr, just phoned the youngest 2's school and I think I came off sounding like a lunatic
I tried to get my point across without going into too much, but I think it came out sounding more like the jealous wife!!
I will have to pop in and explain everything properly now, which I didn't really want to do.
I wish this twonk, would keep all this unnecessary stress away from you,
Is there anyone he respects that could sit him down and give him a talking to?
Someone needs to spell it out to him.
Beckett, you're human. It's a horrible situation and of course you're upset.
Maybe write to them, setting out the situation? That might be useful in terms of keeping a record of what you're saying anyway, legally speaking. And you can be sure you are clear on what you want to say.
How are you feeling in yourself, this week? xx
Beckett, I have read your entire thread like this
I'm so pleased you've had such amazing support on this thread and I am astounded at your strength and courage I would've crumbled after a day.
I wish I knew you. I admire you. <<mainly shoulder punch>>
Your children will all turn to you in x years time and tell you how amazing you were and are. x
I'm very curious about this whole "script" business- so there's a general pattern to cheaters then? Sorry to hijack- am genuinely interested.
I have a friend who has gone throughs similar its all mind games at the moment.
I wish, for me of course, that he would just bugger the hell off too, but I care about the children too much to actually want it.
Unfortunately I can already see the outcome of all this, he's going to stay with the bunny boiler, because if he doesn't he'll 1. Look even more stupid than he does already and 2. If he doesn't stay with her, then what did he give up the last 16 years for?
He won't mind that he's given up on his own children because he'll tell himself that looking after hers will make up for it.
How do I feel? I hurt desperately for my children, I look at them and can not believe that their own father has done this to them and continues to find new ways to hurt them. In myself I'm ok, I'm managing to eat a bit more, I have zero energy though that could be baby or stress or both.
I don't think he and the bunnyboiler can last. It's built on lies and there are other kids in that home who will, as all kids do, apply pressures to an already fragile situation.
Having said that, sadly it's an irrelevance, isn't it? He can't undo what he has done. It can't be altered back. And yes, your kids and you have been betrayed and hurt and personally, I could hunt him down and kill him for you. But you are amazing and continue to be so, and they will, in time, be fine. They have you, and they will have each other. They also have his family, from the sounds of it. It's a terrible loss, akin to a death really, but they will and can get past it, with support and love.
If you weren't exhausted right now I think you'd have to be a robot! Try to spoil yourself a little. Hell, even a lot. I genuinely can't think of a person on this planet who could deserve it more.
Fuck, I'd forgotten the OW has children of her own! It makes her behaviour even more hard to understand.
Glad you are eating more. Hope you are resting as much as you can. Dealing with this must be taking all of your strength and energy. Xxx
Beckett, as a teacher and a parent who's had to go into school to make them aware of a 'safeguarding' issue (not related to stbxh), I would say the best course of action is to arrange a meeting with the HT/DHT and tell them your concerns. They will write down what they feel is relevant, but you can let off a bit of steam and they will be supportive.
More than that, if you tell them that you feel the situation poses a 'safeguarding risk' to the children then they will advise you on what to do anyway. And they will take it seriously, whether you come across as a bit scatty or not.
Seriously, the school will be your biggest ally in this. All they care about is making sure that your children are ok. And they will see supporting you as instrumental in that.
My daughter's school in particular has been fantastic. The TA has been on hand in the mornings for kind words and a hug now and again. She's stood out in the rain listening to be rant and the teacher has been ok with that, and they've given my daughter some 'quiet time' to process what's going on.
More than that, you have a duty as a parent to keep your children's schools uptodate with what's happening. And I would too. Their teachers need to know exactly what they're having to deal with so that they can cut them some slack if necessary.
You are doing fantastically. Whatever decision he makes now and however he has felt over the past few weeks/months. Do you really think he's going to be happy now? Even if he does stay with her for the reasons you suggested, he looks like a right fool. Because he is. ((hugs))
Beckett, if you are worried that you'll come across as garbled and unclear when speaking to the school, send an email/hand over a letter explaining everything and say you'll be happy to answer any further questions they have.
Agree with FolkGirl HT/DHT is the one that is usually the best to address these concerns to and it is much better to do it face-to-face. I think a statement of the facts, a list of approved pick-ups, updated contact details and stating that the only person who is allowed to change the contact details should be yourself. If you also update them on the emotional impact on your children they are very likely to provide support as FG states. You might cry - you won't be the first
So, let me get this straight. OW has children and is still stalking your children's father all over the country. Where were her children? If with their father, then does this mean that he comes back to OW for a bit of nookie occasionally to make her so suspicious of her new beau? People usually accuse others of something they do themselves or have intimate knowledge of.
Beckett you are doing so well. Go and have a chat at school. Unfortunately, it won't be something they've never dealt with before and will be valuable for you and the DCs.
Hoping you're all ok Becketts
me too - thinking of you! would say I'm sending you strong thoughts but a) I know that won't do anything I'm not quite that spiritual anymore b) from what I know of you since op you will not need it you have all the strength you need inside and in your family!
I think your children would be far better off without this so called father in their lives. As long as he is there, there will only be grief and disappointment for them, and heartache of the worst kind for you. Sometimes a single, stable, responsible parent all on her won is a far better parent than the sort of knobend yo are dealing with.
Just seen and read this thread - you are amazing. Stay strong and look after yourself and the kids.
Don't give him or the bunny boiler and inch
Just a small update although there's not really much to say lol.
We're doing good, the break from H has been refreshing. My daughter has avoided fb so none of us has had to see that crap, although a friend mentioned that all the BB has done this week is declare her undying love
Slowly getting the house sorted, trying to rid it of all his rubbish and slowly trying to build my energy back up too.
We're having fun, we're eating dinners that we want even if they're not entirely healthy, we're watching lots of movies with popcorn and we're getting on as a family more and talking more.
Someone mentioned to me that I should put lots on fb about going out socially and meeting people, but I told them that while I wouldn't mind actually doing that, I wasn't going to compete, I have 3 wonderful children, a baby growing inside me, wonderful friends and family, I've already won and I didn't have to lie to do it!
Glad to hear you are doing so well. Good for you and your DCs. Take care.
I've already won
You flipping have too.
It sounds like you're doing a lot of the stuff that we did too. My relationship with the children is already different. I feel really positive for you. There will be tough days ahead, but it's days when you feel like you do today that you need to draw on to get you through those days. You'll get the home you want, the family you want. I'm actually really enjoying it and you will too!
So yes, you have won. And you children will have so much respect for you. Enjoy.
Look after yourself. xx
You are amazing...I bet your children have realised this new world is actually a very positive place!
Yay Beckett! Fantastic. Yes, you have won.
That is great to read, you sound like a lovely family team.
I post very rarely but reading your updates, i just wanted to say you sound like a amazing lady and i'm so pleased you and your children are moving on. Well done!
Aw I was in a bit of a downer tonight my dd - 9 wks has cold dh away and I was feeling blue been watching your post for updates so pleased to see the latest it made me cry with happiness!!
Go Beckett! You are the winner .
We had a slight blip last night, I had to tell my son off for something and in his anger he told me he wanted to go live with dad. He sobbed for ages and I mean ages after, telling me he didn't mean it and please don't make him go. It was the first time I've cried for a few days too.
We haven't seen H since that Saturday and it's been great although he's coming round tomorrow for a little bit, I'm not looking forward to it, the man disgusts me. Anytime time he brings up the BB or his new life I will be saying 'i don't want to know'. I will not be giving him any more chances to bring me into that shit. Being free of it all over the last week and a half has been fantastic.
You have all and continue to be brilliant, not sure I would have made it quite this well without your help and kind words
Beckett I've been lurking on this thread all the way through and silently marvelling at your strength while wishing you well. I just wanted to say how amazing I think you are. Your blip last night is just that, only a blip and probably a good opportunity for you and your son to have a cry together, that's no bad thing. I wish you well and applaud you, you fantastically strong, loving, wonderful lady. Every time I see you post I am truly astonished and want to send you some I hope you have lots of rl support, you deserve it.
Awwww. Your poor son. And poor you. But it's all part of you setting up your new family rules so there will be new pushing of boundaries and over-stepping them - for all of you. But good to get it all out of the way before the baby arrives.
Good for you .... a mantra to repeat to keep yourself sane and out of their emotional rollercoaster. I have to say I admire you greatly.
What a wonderful family your baby is being born into. A close knit, loving team. And the beauty of it is you know that you are never going to be an arse. So you know that the team of you and the children in inpenetrable.
As Tea says this is the chance to set your new family and house rules.
How's your 14 year old getting on?
Becket, your poor boy, this will be ok honestly because you love him so much. That is all you need to do now, be still and just keep loving them all.
And Becket, you are one amazing Lady, I found this absolutely heartbreaking to read as have also been lightly tortured by someone I love. He also did that to his children and although at first he did the perfect dad thing and made me feel shit, I had no money and could barely put shoes on their feet whilst he bought them rocking horses and roller skates................... all the while he felt the need to 'share' what he was going through!!!!!!!!! Asshole. Stay away from Facebook, it is unhelpful and just gives him a route in. Next Christmas when he is sat on his own and you are in your home with your children and new baby he may regret this and your dignity and courage in this intolerable situation will pay you back ten-fold.
Be kind to yourself my lovely. Take courage sweetheart.
you continue to astound me too! I think your son was bound to say this sooner or later though its the best weapon in his arsenal and a way to get to you! the fact that he cried with you and told you the truth is a credit to you raising him!
again hats off to you!
Wishing you more happy fun family moments than sad - which I'm sure is the case now anyway. but here is a good place to come if you want to vent or anything.
Have just read the whole thread and am looking like . can't add much in the way of advice, but wanted to say congratulations, you are one amazing lady, and you are doing everything possible for your lovely DCs. Hope you are managing to take some time to look after yourself and to enjoy the wee bean you are cooking
hope you are ok Beckett - thinking of you!
Feeling pretty angry at the moment, he 'popped' round to pick up some of his tools and we were being civilised and then he said that he couldn't believe I was going through with having the baby, then went on to accuse me of only having the baby so I didn't have to go to work for a few more years, I told him it took 2 to make this baby and then to finish off he implied that I was crap in bed! I realise the last bit was only said cos he has to say it doesn't he?! But the rest
Ignore the prick. Like you say, it took two to make the baby. The baby will just mess up his life and cause more maintenance for him to pay, so ignore what he says
I know it's hard though and I know it hurts. But you know why he is doing this and why he has changed so much. Because of OW.
Keep strong, look after yourself and don't give his twatty comments any headroom
Well in his world people are disposable, he was fed up with you so you are disposed of! He can't understand how you can be attached to your baby, as to him you can just walk away from what you no longer want!
Take no heed to him he is being unpleasant about you and to you in an effort to convince himself that his decision to walk away is completely justified.
He is behaving like an utter prick!
"he said that he couldn't believe I was going through with having the baby"
He thinks you should terminate a planned pregnancy because he has got a new girlfriend since you conceived?
Actually, given that he's quite happy to replace your children with his new bird's kids, I don't know why that surprises me.
"then went on to accuse me of only having the baby so I didn't have to go to work for a few more years"
"he implied that I was crap in bed!"
That's just fucking laughable.
He has to think those things to make himself acceptable to the jealous wagon he's with now.
He's barely even a real person.
Just a reflection of whatever the woman he's banging wants him to think.
Try not to be insulted. Nothing he says means anything.
It's just noise coming out of his cake hole.
I have been wondering how you're getting on.
I see he's still being an immature knobber! I'm sorry. I had hoped the OW would have kept him on his leash so as not to bother you. It amazes me that XPs think they have a right to comment on decisions that they've given up the right to have a view on!
Lovely new baby. Too lovely to be sullied in anyway by knobber's thoughts and stupid musings that have feck all to do with him.
I have to say, up until this morning I was doing wonderfully and I will be again shortly, I will not let him get to me, I just can not believe he would say all of that in front of his children, I should believe it by now with what he's done up until now but I have to remember he's not the same man I knew.
I have 3 wonderful children, a baby growing inside me, wonderful friends and family, I've already won and I didn't have to lie to do it!
This is the bit you could put on facebook. If, that is, you ever needed to put something there, of course.
"I just can not believe he would say all of that in front of his children"
He said in front of your children that he wanted you to abort the sibling they're looking forward to meeting?
I didn't think it was possible for this man to go down in my estimation.
And yet down he goes.
What stupid, selfish, nasty behaviour.
The less time you spend with him the better.
He is the fucker of all FuckWits. His brains shall be forevermore lodged in his scrotum. His scrotum will shrivel. His brains will fall out.
Beckett, you're a paragon. You're well rid. Don't let him in the house again. Bag what's left of his crap, find a mutual friend and tell him he can collect it there. Can someone be there for contact handovers, or can someone do them for you?
I also meant to say that he doesn't deserve the serenity of your gaze to fall on his shadow, but I thought that might be going a bit far (though I mean it )
Ok everyone, you've been there for me so much over the last few weeks, I need a little more help to get over the next few days. I've just found out he's playing the perfect father to the OW children, something he's never done for his own children. I'm
for once not going to go into detail, but its safe to say its enough to make me mad.
I don't want to blow my top, I don't want to lash out and he's coming round to take the children out Saturday (against my better judgement) and I don't want to get the erge to have a go at him then either.
I just need something to help, anyone? TIA
What a shit, bastard, arse.
Take deep breaths. Count to 3 as you breathe in through your nose, and count to 5 as you breathe out through your mouth. Do it a few times.
Burn calming incense sticks - lavendar, jasmine.
Get a friend round for the handovers, and let them deal with it while you keep out of the way, then go out with said friend and have cake and coffee.
I would say the same, get somebody to do the handover for you, or do what I do, put all the bags ready outside, kiss DD goodbye when XH stops the van, then close the door.
Sadly you will find that everything that he wouldn't do before , he will do now. It's all par for the course.
XH made me feel guilty about a holiday last March, so I agreed he could deal with work calls while we were away. That gave him the perfect excuse to be on his phone texting OW all the time. When he left, one of the many things he threw at me was that I liked holidays and he didnt. That he needed to concentrate on work. That he was too busy to have DD a day a week in the holidays. Guess who then went to Majorca for a week with his friends.....
The need to impress OW overides everything and they will change everything to become what OW wants and sod everything and everyone else.
It's sad but true
However much of an act he is putting on for OW and her DC (stupid stupid woman to play families with someone who has left his) it is not real, and he is unlikely to be able to sustain it. Although not much comfort, am sorry beckett. You have shown massive patience and self control.
Agree with the others, get someone there to be with you at pick-up, drop-off for a while, and exchange only practical texts/emails.
Could also cut off your source of info about him and OW, it might be better not to know what's going on.
This reminds me of chocoraisin's situation, her partner left her for OW when she was pregnant with DS2 and was horrible to her, she ended up reading him the riot act, unleashing her anger, when he cam for pick-up, having arranged for her family to care for her DS out of sight while she did so. She is great and her thread is inspiring, will try to find a link.
Beckett ... what a Dick he is! though I bet he is feeling guilty and would have both of you probably if he could!
I blush to admit as a teen I told an x he was crap in bed cos I knew it would hurt him and because actually it was good!
I have not been in your situation but as before you are an inspiration keep thinking of all the people who will read your thread in the future and be inspired to carry on!
The way I would play this on Saturday is to 'act' unaffected (without being too obvious).
I would be very normal and loving with the children, wishing them a good time etc.
I would be polite but indifferent to him, because he will hate not having any attention from you, plus he won't have any negative gossip to take back to bunny boiler.
He might sooner rather than later appreciate your strong character and level headedness compared to the headcase he's with.
At the end of the day for me it would be important to keep my dignity and self-respect, because one day he will realise that he cannot hold his head up very high, and will live to regret his appalling behaviour.
Just read the whole thread, you are an incredible woman, and your STBX is pretty much the slime that slugs leave behind. You and your children will build an amazing life with your new baby and he will either be trapped with that nutter or end up alone.
I hope todays hand over is/ was ok x
Today was shit, shitter than shit. I feel like I still managed to hold my own even though I'm not sure I did
Don't know where to start or in which order to go in, so i hope this makes sense!
He turned up in a mood, i told him I didn't care and to have fun but he couldn't help blurting out that the other woman thinks she's pregnant, I think this is hilarious by the way, I probably should be pissed but as I told him I thought this would happen a couple of weeks ago I couldn't help but laugh. He doesn't want that baby either apparently.
He then went on to say he didn't think he could take the children out today unless I went with them! I of course declined so he went to walk out the door, the youngest 2 started sobbing and in the face of that I went with them, just after all the upset he's caused I just couldn't let him do this to them, no matter how fucking awful I felt and how much of a fucking twat he was about it.
He bought them lunch then moaned about the price, he bought them clothes them moaned about how much they cost, he offered to take them round his mums (it's her birthday) then moaned he didn't have the time.
I didn't stay with them the whole time I will add, not that it makes it any better. I got some bits of shopping done.
So bloody awful day for me, but the children loved it. He said he wouldn't do it again but knowing I can't believe anything he says, how can this be avoided again? I know he's never been a great father and has always been reluctant to spend time alone with them, even though they're wonderful . I just can't stand for them to be upset anymore, I think they've had more than their fair share lately
Forgive me for not being up to speed, but has the divorce come through yet and have you got a residence agreement in place?
I think any situation where you can be manipulated like this and the children face disappointment unless you come to the rescue needs to be avoided at all costs. If you're still waiting for the formalities to be drawn up, I think a solicitor's letter stating that when he sees the children he must stick to the arrangements and see them without your involvement or participation might be worthwhile.
Looking longer-term, you will need to be able to make plans of your own when he has the children, whereas at the moment you are 'there' and available to be manipulated because of your love for the children and desire not to see them let down. It's very important for your own welfare and future though that he takes responsibility for the times he sees them and stops relying on you to bail him out.
Hey. Sorry I missed your message on Thursday.
You know what you held your own the best you could. You did what you had to. It's what any good parent would do. And I'm glad that the kids loved it. But I'm sorry that they were upset at the thought of going alone. It might help you to know that I think every child that has separated parents does this or has done this. If you can bear it I would just suggest being very bright and breezy with the kids, talk to them about how much fun they're going to have as they go out the door and let him get on with it. I had to do it and friends/family in the same situation tell me that they had to too. I wept the moment my back was turned or the door was closed. He might bring them back after 30 minutes but it will be a start of a life where you aren't being either manipulated by your ex or abused by his OW as a result. Being in control and making your own decisions has to be your ultimate aim.
How very, very irritating to listen to him moan about things that he's doing for his own kids. I remember having a similar situation with my DS's father. In the end I think I said something along the lines of "I'm not your wife any more, it's not my job to listen to you moan all the time so stop" and I repeated until he finished.
And for you and because really I think you've had your fair share of being upset too
Divorce is very much wanted but I'm not sure I can afford it? I don't have very much money at all. Probably worth a trip to the cab to find out the ins and outs.
I wish someone could be here to do the exchange with him, but there isn't anybody. I do need to come up with some ground rules in the mean time, but I strongly doubt he'll follow any of them.
They weren't upset that I wasn't going, he was refusing to take them at all unless I went
He's already suggested he stays at mine next Saturday and watches a film with them. I know he's restricted on where he can take them as I told him they are never to meet the BB and he doesn't want to spend the day at his mums, if I keep saying no, he might not spend any time with them at all, but I can't stand for him to be here, if I never saw him again it would be too soon.
He's caused all this complete and utter misery and devastation, and he is treating your children like that. What a disgusting man, he hasn't got any shame has he.
I think Charbon's advice is good. Unfortunately you've got to go through all of this mire before you come out the other side.
In the end he will very likely be the one left out in the cold.
Jeezus. What a twat. You're right! Twat.
If you don't want him in your house you really don't have to. He will have his teeny tiny tantrum and you ignore it like you would a toddler. And carry on providing a positive narrative to husband at the kids level "your Dad's just being silly, why would he drive all this way, he's just saying that to get his own way etc." You are within your right to say no, equally if that's what you're happy doing then that's your right too. Ultimately, it's just about you being happy with the choices made.
I would get to CAB to see what's going on. I didn't spend very much on mine at all - I just used solicitors to manage the interface with the courts and "trouble-shoot" I've read on here that legal aid is going for divorce in the next few weeks so I would make the cab conversation a priority.
If you lived closer to me - even an hour or two away - I'd do your first two handovers. I would just smile, nod and wave at him. Shame we live at opposite sides of the country
Beckett please take advantage of legal aid while it's still available and get some legal advice. In the meantime, say a firm 'No' to him staying in the house for any time at all.
He's not restricted at all. There's soft play and shops/cafes while the weather is cold and plenty of outdoor fun when warmer. If he doesn't want to spend the day at his mums so that the children can see their GM, that's his tough luck. All of this is an excuse because the truth is he doesn't want to be responsible for the kids for any length of time. Tough again.
I think you'll start to feel better once you've got the law on your side, but do move quickly.
Beckett - it is your children's right to see their father. It is up to him to enable that. he does not need to be in your house with them. i know that you want them to see him, but he cannot do again what he did today. He needs to commit to seeing them and turn up. I have problems with my XH not turning up when he says he will and then DD gets upset.
In your case it would be better for him not to see the DC rather than turn up and then upset them. Do not allow yourself to be put in this position. He is only putting it on. Where is he living? Why can't he take them there?
If he gives you any grief, then suggest mediation, where you can sit in a neutral place with mediators and iron out contact and finances
Get to a solicitor PDQ, as legal aid will stop very soon for divorces. Do it this week. The first thing you need a solicitor to do is what Charbon suggests - outlining the rules of contact. Do not, under any circumstances, allow him in your home. He will use whatever he can against you, and is more likely to find things he can twist if he's there, than if he takes the children out - as he should be doing.
If he complains, well, he's the one who chose this so it's just bloody hard cheese. If he won't see the children as a result, well, they're probably better off in the long run. Don't tell them he's coming to avoid their disappointment, until you see him. Then shove them out the door and close it firmly before he gets too close to it. Keep notes too. It's all going to be helpful later in the divorce process.
Beckett having read all ur posts all i can say is that he really is a tosser and as for bb well no comment.
You and the children deserve far better than anything he can offer. I fully understand the sense of anger that you are experiencing (am there as well) but thats his loss not yours and no doubt he will pay in time.
As for yourself you have shown alot of strength and the love you have for your children is clear. It will get better and you are worth far more than that twat.
Sending you and your children hugs x
Sending you all my best wishes beckett3, you are doing an amazing job
Just a hopefully short update but you never know!
Not entitled to legal aid but I have been given some help on how to do a DIY divorce and have been setting some money aside which hasn't been easy but I'm trying.
My driving lessons are coming on really very well, my driving instructor is a great guy who my dad used to work with and he thinks I should be ready for my test end of April! Yes I'm prioritising my driving above the divorce, it's more of a needs must kind of thing.
I'm now 5 months pregnant and just last week found out it's a girl I just love the fact that I get to pick her name, just me, well I'll take my children's thoughts into considersation. She's kicking so much already but has taken to sleeping when I sleep, fingers crossed this continues but history would suggest otherwise.
I recently went to a parents evening for each of the children, a bit worried about what was going to be said, wondering if maybe they were 'pretending' to be ok at home, I shouldn't have been, they're all doing brilliantly, I am just so proud of them all.
The children last saw their father 4 weeks ago tomorrow, which was very exciting for them, he took them to his mothers and spent the 3 1/2 hours he was supposed to spend with them working on a car! He's lost his job, so I expect maintenance to drop anytime now. He's supposed to be turning up tomorrow but at the moment only my son wants to go with him. He's said he won't force any of them to spend time if they don't want to.
I did a rough add up 4 weeks ago and if I'm being generous he's spent 15 hours with them since he left, 15 hours in almost 10 weeks. Outstanding isn't it?
I have been asked how I've managed to get over him so quickly, how I'm managing so well as a single parent. My answer to the first part is just to look at how's he's treated the children, week after week he finds something new to hurt them with. And the latter? Tbh not much has changed, I did everything before except for the driving and I'm working on that. The children are happier now, they seem freer if that makes sense?
Oops not so short after all
Just read some of the thread. Just wanted to say Beckett3 you should brilliant and a fun, inspiring Mum ! His loss !
Agree you sound amazing. Going through something vaguely similar but with not the strength that you show.
Well done x
Oops meant you are brilliant !
I have been asked how I've managed to get over him so quickly, how I'm managing so well as a single parent. My answer to the first part is just to look at how's he's treated the children, week after week he finds something new to hurt them with. And the latter? Tbh not much has changed, I did everything before except for the driving and I'm working on that. The children are happier now,
Just incase anyone would like an update
Life is great! I took the children on holiday a couple of weeks ago, not too far from home but we had such a blast.
I have my driving test in a couple of weeks and am car hunting. Passed my theory easily last month.
General day to day life is so much better, freer, happier, for me and the children. I have been told several times by several people how much happier I look!
I'm 6 months pg now, baby kicks lots which I love and after getting on the scales earlier I weigh exactly the same. So as my little miss has been gaining weight I must have been losing it. Not that I've been trying. We're also having such fun trying to pick the perfect name for her.
We are making plans, fun plans. A fun life with less whining, less swearing and a lot less stress.
The ex is still a twat, he did see them that Saturday, for a whole 2 hours, he hasn't seen them since. That was almost 5 weeks ago. He called earlier despite me asking to only be contacted via text but my little girl picked up. He whinged about having to work extra hours to pay for MY maintenance and told me he was so busy that he didn't know when he would have time to see his children. I informed him that it was his children's money not mine and to not get back in contact until he did have time for his children.
I would like to thank every single person that has commented on this thread, each of you and your words have helped me get through all of this more than you could know.
Have only just picked this story up and haven't managed to read it all but I wanted to say I'm so happy that you have come out of this in such an amazing and positive way. I hope nothing but good things for you and your children in the future. One day he will look back and realise he has lost the most extraordinary gift we can be given - his children.
The only loser here is him.
Beckett I'm so pleased to hear this. I think I did post earlier under a different name - nothing profound though! I've certainly followed you from the start...
Im so so pleased for you and your DC, and I hope everything goes well with your wiggly one too.
You're so much better off without him aren't you?!
<<high fives all round cos you don't sound like you need a hug right now!>>
That's so good to hear Beckett. Really happy and pleased for you all.
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