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Terrified of resuming sex!

(56 Posts)
abi2790 Sun 20-Jan-13 22:59:11

Hi everyone! As the title says I'm terrified of having sex for the first time after birth seven weeks ago. My partner has been giving hints for weeks and of course I've explained why I didn't want to and why I wasn't ready. Now it's different. I feel ready physically but I don't know if I'm there emotionally yet. How do I get past this? I feel if I listen to my brain then we will never do it! I'm terrified it will hurt, I'm breastfeeding so I don't want my boobies leaking and I feel ugly because of my really horrible stretch marks! Should I just do it and then it's over with and I have nothing to worry about? Arrrgghh confused face sad

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sun 20-Jan-13 23:04:12

Don't do anything you don't want to do. He had a hand he can use, however I would say don't leave it too long, at least not the cuddling and touching. Penetration can come a lot later down the line.

RokerFace Sun 20-Jan-13 23:07:45

Aw, the first time after childbirth can be so emotional so don't be too hard on yourself.

Sounds like you are struggling to come to terms with your changing body but can I quote something you said back to yourself my partner has been giving hints for weeks. Sounds to me like your DP still finds you attractive sweetheart!

Do you feel able to suggest to your DP that maybe "full" sex is a bit too full on for you at the moment due to sleepless nights, shock to the system after childbirth, hormones dancing about but maybe you could start buildng up to it over a few weeks by cuddling, massaging first, maybe even oral / masturbation sex when you start to feel more confident.

Hope everything works out for you

RokerFace Sun 20-Jan-13 23:14:50

But it important that you are in control so if you say just cuddling for tonight, that he doesn't try to push it further x

Flisspaps Sun 20-Jan-13 23:58:46

DS is 9mo.

I've only really felt like sex since I stopped EBF, a few weeks ago.

If you don't feel like sex, don't do it. It's that simple.

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 00:08:46

OP if you feel ready start gently, lots of kissing and cuddling, oils are great fun and help with nerves etc.

I've 4 DCs and consider a sex life an important part of our relationship - I wouldn't be happy of DH didn't want it so i wouldnt just switch off to the idea myswlf..

It will be fine - I would discuss though that he needs room be fine if you ask him to stop midway if it feels too much too soon.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:12:28

You are 7 weeks post partum and your partner has been giving hints for weeks

how many weeks has he been pressuring you ?

tell him to back off until you are ready...don't be pushed into something you are not ready for

for various reasons too boring to explain here my husband has had to forgo penetrative sex for 4 lots of 1 whole year at a time

his dick didn't drop off, and yes we now have an active sex life

take your time, love

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 00:16:34

tbf - its different for everyone - it was 3 weeks with last DC - but I like the closeness - I personally miss sex.

OP you decide but I highly recommend oils if you do want to - makes things fun.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:18:49

"oils" (whatever they are) won't make someone ready who isn't ready

AlreadyScone Mon 21-Jan-13 00:20:38

All this talk of "oils" is making me feel a bit odd.

Flisspaps Mon 21-Jan-13 00:21:41

"Fun" for who?

If someone had suggested I get some oils in the last 9 months, I'd have merrily told them to shove their oils where the sun doesn't shine.

BF hormones can make your libido go through the floor. In fact, I think they're supposed to.

Do nothing until you're ready. You've just grown and birthed a person. You're still nourishing and growing that person! Sex can sodding well wait if you're not sure.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 00:22:03

Roker I didn't read that comment about dropping hints for weeks in a positive way at all...

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 00:22:29

no they don't make anyone ready - of course not - massage oils - I use aother of essential oils in day to day life.

What they do do, is encourage foreplay, make sex fun and also help lubricate which helps with nerves.

I used my bolding deliberately and was also basing my post on listening to OP when she says she feels ready

AlreadyScone Mon 21-Jan-13 00:23:42

Oh X posts.

OP, take your time. DH went through the raging hormones of puberty for several years and (one assumes) coped without penetrative sex. It took me ages to want it after my births.

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 00:24:12

I'll add as i have cross posted that I use essential oils for all sorts - tea tree for cleaning, in burners all day, for natural healing - not just sex - I am a bit of a hippy like that.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Mon 21-Jan-13 00:24:18

I'd say maintaining intimacy post partum is very important. Sex can be ver much off the agenda (as in piv) but cuddles, touching and kissing as well as talking can very much be on the agenda, with a heavy focusing on the talking

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 00:25:37

fliss fun for both of us - but as I buy them - of my own accord - it stems from me.

Flisspaps Mon 21-Jan-13 00:30:13

I know what oils are for!

But if you don't feel like sex post partum then why on earth would you want to get all oiled up, have foreplay, and all the time have one ear out for a baby who'll be near the bed and probably need feeding whilst you're greasier than a chip shop chip.

It's just an added bloody pressure - a normal sex life will resume at some point, why the need to get on with it so soon?

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 00:34:50

you asked!

i do feel like it - I don't use them particularly post partum - I dont need them, but I found it helped me - when I wanted to resume my sex life after dc1 to focus on foreplay rather than penetrative sex and I was recommend the extra lubricant.

as I have already said I use a lot of essential oils in day to day life - and I like a nice massage - regardless of whether sex come at the end.

I read the OP saying she feels physically ready so just wanted to offer her some practical tips.

and if you do use the right oils you don't end up greasy.

AlreadyScone Mon 21-Jan-13 00:41:57

Okay if we concede that oils are fine amongst consenting and desiring adults, can that be the end of the oils, please? We have an OP here who is nervous about resuming sex post-partum, without giving her tangents to worry about.

OP, when you want to have sex again, that will be exactly the right time to have sex again. Don't be scared, all kinds of "normal" areas of life are disrupted by the arrival of a baby. You can't even have a satisfying wee in peace half the time.

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 00:50:06

Lol.

OP it is nerve wracking the first time (even after 4), I have an agreement with DH that things stop when I say - sex post baby can feel a bit - overwhelming - and so DH knows I can and will say - its too much.

You need to feel ready, practically it helpsif baby has had a good feed and sleeping for a few hours.

Also your fears 're leaky books, stretch marks, etc.

I've been literally pregnant or breastfeeding for 5 years with at last 2 more to go, I'm 2 clothes sizes bigger and lot greyer.

DH finds me as attractive as day we met - he says the lumps and bumps (my words not his) make him love me more because our babies put them there.

Enjoy the baby moon - it flies by.

abi2790 Mon 21-Jan-13 05:52:51

Still confused! Lol. I think I'm just missing being closed to oh because we don't really kiss or anything. I don't think I'm quite ready for sex but I think oh is more bothered about whethered I'm physically ready rather than asking me how I feel about it!

RokerFace Mon 21-Jan-13 10:33:51

number The OP was concerned that her DP wouldn't find her attractive so I pointed out that he obviously still does. The pressure she feels doesn't seem to come from her DP but from herself and what she feels she ought to be like.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 10:38:09

The pressure she feels doesn't seem to come from her DP

My partner has been giving hints for weeks

I am reading it differently, Roker. The baby's only 7 weeks old and the partner's being 'dropping hints' for weeks? What, since they were on their way home from the delivery suite? To me that reads as he thinks it's about time his 'needs' were being met. I don't like the sound of it.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 10:42:07

Me neither, NL. It's strange how different people read things differently though. To me, a partner "dropping hints for weeks" at only 7 weeks post partum is applying unwelcome pressure.

Even if "weeks" means 2 weeks, it's still far too soon to start turning the screw.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 10:52:03

I also don't like the sound of 'dropping hints'. Absolutely fine for him to say he is looking forward to the day when they are ready to resume a sexual relationship, how proud and happy he is to be a dad and will wait as long as necessary etc etc.

But what does 'dropping hints' actually mean? Telling her how horny he is (hate that word by the way), unwanted advances, coming onto her when she's doing household tasks?

PatButchersEarring Mon 21-Jan-13 10:52:23

Agree that 7 weeks is very, very early.

Your partner needs to back off, OP.

Christ, I think me & DP managed to DTD for the first time closer to around 7 months afterwards!

7 weeks on, I was still nervous of touching myself, let alone allowing someone else to!

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 12:47:46

A partner who is only interested in your physical readiness for sex but doesn't really seem to care how you feel isn't going to turn you on, basically because he sees you as a body that is functional rather than a person with needs and wants. You absolutely do not have to do anything even vaguely sexual until you are 100% happy to do so.

Why don't you kiss and hug each other OP?

abi2790 Mon 21-Jan-13 13:29:36

By hints I don't mean he is pressuring me. I have explained that I'm not ready and he does understand but at the same time explains how "horny" he is (I hate that word too lol). I would 'help' him (LOL!) But I just really don't feel like it. That sounds really selfish! But baby sleeps next to us in his crib and because I'm ebf I feel like my body is my baby's at the minute and any sexual act would be wrong. I know it probably isn't but I can't help feeling that way sad Really don't know to explain to oh though!

Flisspaps Mon 21-Jan-13 13:36:51

Perfectly normal (for you to feel that way) and selfish of him - not you - to bring it up more than once!

Utterlylostandneedtogo Mon 21-Jan-13 13:44:09

Tell him that then. There is nothing wrong with not being ready for sex but you must talk to him.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 13:47:47

What's wrong with wanking? How is him telling you how horny he is in any way helpful?

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 13:49:18

But he is pressuring you, by dropping hints. You need to tell him that you'll let him know when you're ready and until then you'd rather he didn't mention it. 7 weeks is a very short time in the scale of things. There's absolutely no need to feel selfish - you're recovering from a massive life-changing event plus your hormones are all over the place, the way you feel is totally normal and understandable.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 14:48:21

Yes, he is pressuring you.

if my DH kept asking if I was ready and complaining about how "horny" he was my reply would be "and that is my problem, because...?"

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:03:05

AF - I'm guessing this is another item on your Top 10 of Shit Not To Take From Men. grin

I think we're piecing the list together bit by bit.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 15:07:54

Yougoddit, NL smile

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:14:58

Ha ha, I'm going to claim a prize when I get all 10!

BelaLugosisShed Mon 21-Jan-13 15:21:33

Are some men just so stupid that they don't realise that huge physical and psychological changes affect the vast majority of women for months after giving birth and that sex isn't a priority?
Why would a man even want sex with a woman who doesn't feel ready?
It all smacks of a man wanting to "reclaim his property" - there ought to be a guide to sex after childbirth for new fathers, it obviously doesn't get talked about much - basically
1. Do not hint, whine or sulk about lack of sex when you have a newborn.
2. Learn about the effects that birth and breastfeeding can have on a woman.

It's not difficult, don't be a selfish knob.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:28:20

Are some men just so stupid that they don't realise that huge physical and psychological changes affect the vast majority of women for months after giving birth and that sex isn't a priority

Simple answer = yes.

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 15:43:27

It's more that some men see sex as their right, rather than something that both partners really enjoy, and they get annoyed when that "right" is taken away after a baby is born. They think women should just suck it up and get on with it, even if they don't want it. It's a disgusting attitude but one that a lot of women end up getting sucked into unfortunately. Thus the feeling of being "selfish" for not giving in, even when they really don't want sex. Women are constantly given the message that they owe their men sex, when they absolutely do not. Sex is a purely optional activity that you do because you want to and you enjoy it. It is NOT a duty.

I'm not saying your partner thinks that way Abi, but he's skirting dangerously close to it. He should realise that if you wanted sex you would have it, and that by pressuring you he is basically saying you need to do it just for his sake. The fact that he would have sex with you even if you're unwilling is pretty horrible really - why would he even enjoy that? Unless he sees sex as something he does to you rather than something you enjoy together.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 16:28:20

Not necessarily stupid but certainly entitled and selfish

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Mon 21-Jan-13 16:36:03

Maybe its his hamfisted way of saying he still finds you attractive, despite your body insecurities?

bestsonever Mon 21-Jan-13 17:16:51

There seems to be a lot of mystery around childbirth even though it's the 21'st century. I remember wondering after it how come so much happened that I never knew existed, during and a long time after. It really is about time all taboo's around talking about stuff got blown away. Not only so women have a clue, but men also - how are they ever going to fathom what can be a shock to us to find out as we didn't know therse things either! It's a strange world at times.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 17:31:27

Bollocks pale. After the first time of it being made clear it wasn't happening, that's his cue to drop it, not keep dropping 'hints'. It's borderline sex pest behaviour. Have a wank ffs.

BertieBotts Mon 21-Jan-13 17:40:16

I agree with Cailin.

OP 7 weeks is very early days, and if your partner is putting pressure on you (intentionally or not) this is even less likely to make you feel safe and loved - on the contrary pressure just makes you feel (in my experience) like sex is all they want from you! Yeah, that's a great way to get you in the mood! hmm

Why are you not kissing and cuddling, if you want to do this? Is it because you're worried that he will take it as an invitation to sex and then get upset/frustrated? (Perhaps even upset/frustrated at you, making you feel unreasonable?) Can you talk to him about this as it's important for you both that that intimacy remains - again without pressure - as it is the building blocks to get back to "normal" if that makes sense.

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:15:34

actually I think it's ok for him to discuss it- my DH was tterrified of sex after a pregnancy bleed with DC1. I had to push the issue to get to the bottom of what was wrong.

However even I would tear DH a new one if he chased me around complaining about feeling horny - we had sex quite quickly because I felt ready - he wouldn't push me into anything.

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:24:27

not push him into sex btw but he isn't the most talkative of people sometimes

RokerFace Mon 21-Jan-13 18:44:53

When you've finished high-fiving yourselves AnyFucker and Numberlock (bad form on a sensitive post in Relationships btw) maybe you can finish putting words in the OP's mouth.

OP has said he hasn't pressured her and doesn't feel pressured. All she said was he has been dropping hints for a few weeks not "in the delivery suite" or "or that her DH kept asking if she ready".

Lots of other posters have said to OP to take it slow, when she's ready, on her terms etc. so not quite sure why you have singled me out. Heaven forbid I try to reassure someone who is looking for reassurance and advice and who HASN'T suggested in the least that she's unhappy with her DP or feels pressured by him (she even said she doesn't!)

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:21:06

Oh dear, Roker, does it make you feel uncomfortable to see two people make a connection that didn't include you ?

I am sure OP is ok with a small amount of lightheartedness on her thread. You said yourself she isn't being pressurised unduly so trying to make me feel guilty on a "sensitive" thread comes across as rather disingenuous.

Then again, OP could speak for herself. She has a voice.

viagrafalls Mon 21-Jan-13 19:36:33

We still haven't DTD and DD is almost 18months. sad I don't know when I will feel 'ready', but OH has never dropped any kind of hint or suggested anything although of course I know he would love to. Soon hopefully! blush

RokerFace Mon 21-Jan-13 19:37:19

AnyFucker - make all the connections you want, knock yourself out. I was merely pointing out that joking about a Top Ten list of shite men do on a thread where you are suggesting the OP is being bullied by her DP isn't on. Nothing disingenuous about that.

OP has spoken, but you didn't listened.

So, from the OP obviously being pressured and her being told that her DP is bordering on sex pest behaviour to you are now suddenly sure that the OP his ok with a small amount of light heartedness - contradiction much?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:46:36

Do it your way, Roker, I'll do it mine. Despite your twisting of my words.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 21-Jan-13 20:15:37

OP - congratulations!

I sympathise. There is nothing more off putting than being "reminded" about sex by OH. It should come naturally, otherwise it is just another chore.

Now a chid is like a bombshell physically and emotionally. A nice one but still, it does change a lot. It is normal to feel confused. What you wrote made me wonder; has his life changed at all?

Its sounds like you are tired, baby focused, which is normal. What is he now doing that he was not doing before? Is he simply waiting horny on the sofa for your to finish BFing baby? Is he sleeping soundly while you have broken nights?

I find my DH much more attractive and sexy when I am rested and feel that he is working as hard as I am. have you spoken to him about this?

What you said about wanting intimacy first, kissing, talking, holding, before resuming sex is very pertinent too. Is he trying to take it on board?

Breast milk takes 90 minutes to digest they say, so he could take baby for a walk or drive, given the cold, while you sleep.

BFing is not a get out card for dads. For example as soon as DD1 use sleep, my DH would send me to bed, close the bedroom door so that I would sleep on and sing/rock baby when she woke as long as possible so that I could rest before the next feed.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 20:21:58

Woah look what I missed during Corrie! Those comments were mine actually, Roker, and I instigated the 'high five'. Feel free to report if it offends, same comment to the OP. I stand by my comments, we'll have to disagree on our understanding of the word pressure as well.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 20:42:01

How dare you watch Corrie !

Have you no respect for the OP???!!!

wink

abi2790 Mon 21-Jan-13 21:37:19

By hints I don't mean he constantly goes on about it and he respects the fact that I'm not quite ready. Because he wants to resume sex doesn't make him a sex pest! I wanted advice on how to deal with my own insecurities as well as how to explain to my partner why I'm not ready!

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