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£768.25 on online games(61 Posts)
I discovered today that from December 2011 - January 2013, H has spent £768.25 on online games. He also spend money on beer, cigarette, weed and cocaine. I don't know how often he takes cocaine, he said the other day 2x a month than corrected to 2x a year. But he smokes weed frequently. We both work full time, I'm always looking for deals when buying anything, DD (5) is on 2nd hand clothes most of the times and I don't have that much clothes either. All because I scrimp and save. When dd was born we were in deep financial trouble (thinking sharing a flat and struggling to pay rent and bills), we got into debt just to move out to our own private rented flat and slowly things have being improving, I managed to pay the debts off and starting saving and we have a nice savings tbh, but it is all my merit and now I'm devastated that H is still so sleazy about money. And we can't talk about it either because it becomes a big argument, he can't have a normal conversation like a normal adult. I called the police twice on him for drunkenness and EA and there is lots of resentment between us but he won't go to counselling, told me to go alone. I would probably divorce right now but he makes such a big issue and emotional blackmail that we can't even talk about it either. I'm not from England and I don't have my own family here, I'm totally lost. Sorry if its long and messy, I'm on my phone.
Sweetest, he sounds horrendous. What does he contribute? Why are you with him?
we have a nice savings
Make sure any savings you have stay 'nice'. If you haven't done so already, get them stashed away in an account he can't access without your signature/consent.
I found out today as I was trying to organise statements and budget for a holiday to my country which I hadn't been for 5 years. I wasn't snooping, I'm always in charge of organising finances as he is crap and couldn't bother. At one point we agreed he couldn't have his card with him and I was giving him pocket money even though he was working full time and I was a SAHM. When I travelled to visit my family years ago whiotut him I came back to unpaid bills and late fees as he couldn't handle it. He is 31 but acts like a teenager. As he got better and I wanted him to have some responsibilities, he started having control of his account again and now look what he done.
He is a good father, obviously not perfect, he loves dd and dd loves him back. He is a nice guy believe or not, he is honest, generous and hard working. He never complains about me spending and never controls the money but this for ne is rather a problem tbh. He is too laid back and just thinks about the present while I try and have more long term goals even though I deprived myself of so much to pay the debts and have the savings that now I feel like a fool. I'm not achieving basic goals like learn how to drive/have a car, invest I'm career improvement just to have the savings as I need to travel to see my family, perhaps have a deposit for a property, or at leats never go back to the times when I had to count the pennies to buy milk, but I'm an idiot aren't I?
I never understand how MNetters can describe their partners as good fathers when they are pissing family money away, and in this case on illegal drugs?! You struggle to buy milk and he's spending mney this way? He is NOT a good father - he's a selfish, irresponsible dick.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Yes. I suppose I say he is a good father in the sense that he is loving, playful, patient to dd and really loves her. But you know when you put up with so much crap you really have to try and see something good otherwise you just kill yourself because you even have a chance to change the situation. At least that is how I feel.
You're only an idiot if you carry on letting this guy blow your money on rubbish while you scrimp and save. A 31 year-old still acting like a teenager is not a good personality trait. A man with a weed habit is a bloody liability. I'm not surprised he gets on with your DD... he's got more in common with children than adults . Did you want to be mother to two?
He'll only think about taking responsibility when all the money's gone and even then that's not a given. You'll either have to remove his ability to spend completely or remove him completely. Don't really see any half-measures.
Sorry... just saw that you've had the police to him twice. Irresponsible with money is one thing, an abusive drunk is not something you give house-room to.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Not wanting to add to more fire but there is the porn problem as well. I told him many times to wipe his history off his ipad and told dd many times not to touch that ipad unsupervised. This morning before I knew it she was playing her games on the ipad with his consent (but he was asleep) and I took it away and had a porn page open on the browser...she was on games but I don't know if she saw anything. That is how my day started today. I just want to kill myself tbh. How do I convince him to divorce and do it on best terms possible not to make dd's life hell. And how can I trust him to be with her on his access days?
You don't have to convince him to divorce or anything else. See a solicitor, explain the full story and take some advice on how to proceed so that you and she are protected financially and physically. If his behaviour is even half as bad as you describe I expect you'll be advised to seek supervised access only. If Mr Great Dad wants to make his own daughter's life hell just to get his own back on you then he is beneath contempt.
A great Dad who drinks smokes takes weed and cocaine.... Oh and has porn on the I Pad
He's not a good father.He's a druggie loser.The sooner you get rid,the better.You sound like a lovely mum so trust your instincts and ditch this nasty man.Most solicitors offer some 'pro bono' or free advice.Take advantage of this and look forward to a propper life with your daughter without the worry of finding crap on the Ipad,having to walk on egg shells and being poor due to his bastardness.Good luck.Mx.
How can I prove drug/porn use? He will be mortified about me telling other people about this but has to be done. I have been trying for so long to sort these issues out, and he is not even keen on have conversations anymore. Also he blames me for everything wrong he does, he drinks/uses drugs/spend so much time on the computer because I'm not affectionate and our sex life is crap. But when I tell him that I got to this point of not appreciating him because of the same alcohol/drug/money issue in the first place he than says I'm dwelling on the past and not moving on but he isn't exactly stopping with the behaviour either although I can say it got a lot better than previous years. The two occasions I called the police I probably over reacted and wasted their time but I just came to a point when I juts couldn't handle anymore and I wanted to send him a strong message. I'm inclined to have conversations and carry on trying to work on it, deep down I don't want divorce but I'm not sure if I'm kidding myself things will ever radically change or it will be like this forever. He has no friends, that is why - think he got carried away with the games and he had a troubled childhood (like me) and I know the lack of affection and sex from me makes him deeply unhappy and he is prone to escape the unhappiness doing those stupid things. I just don't know if it is with fighting or not. If this thread was written by someone else, I would say there is no way this guy is a nice person, but he is believe me and I'm not perfect either, I'm just lost. I'm wondering if I should secretly talk to MIL as my mum is far away and I don't want to burden my friends who can't give practical help.
A man who blames you for his bad behaviour has no intention of changing. Your troubled childhood hasn't turned you into an abusive, drug-taking, money-blowing, anti-social moron ... so why is it an acceptable excuse for him? If he is unhappy and he has problems, the responsibility lies with him to seek help, talk to a GP, get counselling or whatever. It does NOT give him permission to make your life miserable or threaten to kill himself if you leave. You are not responsible for his behaviour, his life or his happiness.
You don't have to prove the drug/porn use although presumably, if you called the police out twice, there will be a record that he is aggressive. Do talk to your friends about what's been happening because, even if they can't offer practical help, that will make it more real. Please contact your family as I'm sure they'd hate you to be going through this alone. And do talk to a solicitor because I think you need some reassurance about personal protection and your rights should you choose to get shot of this 'nice guy with problems'.
You said everything there. Since I met him he has been the 'nice guy with problems'. Promising to change and never changing. I should have kniw better. I feel so guilty I put myself in this situation AND had a child. Problem is I'm too patient, forgiving, trusting, probably naïve. I can't talk to friends and my family, I'm too ashamed. Got to be strangers, professionals or his family.
Stop trying to fix him - he doesn't want to be fixed. You have savings, I suggest you use them to set up you and your daughter into a new life
So you're patient and naive... lots of people, when faced with a man doing the 'sparrow with a broken wing' act, will make the same mistake of thinking they can be fixed with love. You'll probably find your friends saw through him a long time ago. As for family, no matter how old your DD gets or how embarrassing the problem, I'm sure you'd never like to think that she couldn't talk to you.
The funniest thing is, I wasn't even madly in love with him and never was. I was heartbroken and pretty much fucked when I met him and stayed with him because I needed company. I wanted to break up but after only 8 months relationship I felt pregnant (sounds unbelievable but had been using contraception for ages before that, so I don't know what went wrong as it wasn't nothing new for me). So I had 3 options: 1- abortion, 2- go back and being a single mother in my country and denying my daughter regular access to her father (the country is far and expensive to go to from here and I wouldn't have any support being a single mother here nor could support myself and a child)), 3- embrace it and try. I chose the third one. As you can see, not a very wise decision. But I don't think I have ever made a right decision throughout my whole 35 years.
There is no point in talking to my family since they are miles and miles ans miles away. They will worry and won't be able to help. Plus I don't want to show them I'm still the useless looser I have been my whole life. My sister lives here but she is also dealing with MH issues of her own probably due to our upbringing. I don't want to be stubborn or come across as I'm not listening or I'm not grateful for all the wonderful advice here but I feel bad not believing people can change and become better, I have changed a lot and I'm working to change even more, I know it is a case of being aware the problem lies in you instead of outside you, and that is what H can't understand. And tbh he isn't very bright, he is a bit thick, and because he is dyslexic (sorry don't mean to offend anyone here and I'm not saying he is thick because he is dyslexic) he has self esteem issues and lack of confidence (which is getting better). Sometimes I wonder if he has other undiagnosed difficulties as he is not quite other men (not certainly like my exes, and I have a lot of baggage), and for the life of me I don't understand how I ever got together with him. Also sex is crap and his penis is really small (or my vagina is too big?) Oh God, there is no help is there? Every way I try to turn doesn't look good. I think if I stop feeling sorry for him, I can get into action with more determination and no doubts.
I'm sure he is unhappy with me too, I will suggest to him to write down the pros and cons of being with so this may shed some light to him on our relationship. If he agrees to a divorce and start looking forward to a new life, things will be less traumatic for everybody involved.
Are you married to my ex husband? Jokes aside, I've been where you are (including all family and friends abroad) and it's hell. The only way is out. You won't change him. I won't pretend that the road will be an easy one but it's one worth travelling as there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll need to be strong though. The first step is admitting to yourself that you want/need out. Can you do that?
OhtobeCleo: in which way is your EX similar to my H. Every way?? Does you Ex go days whit out a shower too?? Anyway I'm trying my hardest to accept there is no change, no help, but my default setting is to be understanding/forgiving/helpful/hopeful...or fucking blind/stupid. I think as a child I put up with so much crap that even tough I know for sure that the things my H do are wrong I'm inclined towards kind of accept because I don't really think I'm worth any better. Do you mind if I ask you how is the relationship between you and your EX and your Ex and your child/ren?? Because my parents divorce and my dad didn't bother, I do worry about my dd not having a relationship with her father, after all this is the reason why I'm in this situation in the 1st place.
You need to sort out your relationship with yourself, you seem to have some sort of skewed worthless thing going on.... which lets face it- you can't be. Otherwise you wouldn't give a damn what your DH was up to and you'd be doing the same.
Do you trust your DH to look after your DD alone? I wouldn't. He sounds untrustworthy but you'll know him better than I do.
You need to do the best for your DD and for yourself. He's causing you nothing but mental anguish. It sounds like you pity him - not the basis for a relationship.
You need to decide if you want to give him a chance, lay it down straight for him.
I'm sorting myself. I've been to the GP. I done 3 blood tests and I'm awaiting results. I'm booked to an appointment by phone in the next week to talk to someone about my struggles and they will assess what treatment I need if any. H's attitude is 'I don't believe in doctors', so as for now, he isn't supporting me nor thinking about seeking help for himself. I gave him some food for thought and told him to have a think and come talk to me when he is ready. We couldn't talk much today with dd around and by the time she was asleep we were both pretty drained.
I wouldn't leave it open for him to come back to you 'when he thinks he is ready' as from the sounds of things he isn't particularly proactive.
There doesn't need to be an argument or a raised word. You need to tell him what you want/need/expect from him and he needs to tell you if he thinks he is capable of it.
He can't 'not believe in Doctors'. That's so stupid. They exist. He needs to deal with his own issues, you are not his mother, he should be looking after himself and his family.
And good for you for visiting the GP and getting the ball rolling. It'll be bloody hard but it's not just for you- it's for your daughters wellbeing as well.
"I feel bad not believing people can change and become better"
It's not a bad thing to be optimistic and hope people can improve. But what made you change for the better, if you're being honest? Was it someone else telling you to shape up? Was it giving birth to your DD? Or was it an inner motivation, 'strength of character' and a personality that was not satisfied to stay down and out? I suspect it's probably some combination of the last two.
You seem so fixated on the idea of your DD having a relationship with her father that everything else - yourself included - is going by the wayside. Try to scroll forward 20 years when she's a grown woman, left home perhaps and you're sitting having a cup of tea together. What will she be saying to you? 'Thanks for putting up with so much shit just so I could live under the same roof as Dad'? or will she be asking you why all she remembers of her childhood was rows, misery, money problems and so on?
Have you ever asked your own mother why your father didn't bother with you after the divorce? Has she told you the truth about him or have you idealised him down the years as an absent saint?
He is the one who gets agitated when hear the truth and how I feel. I don't hold back, not that I'm nasty or anything, but English not being my mother language, I'm just very direct and straight to the point. Whereas when He is the one talking he either goes on and on in circles (when calm) or explodes and says hurtful things to get me. Communication is difficult and it is rare we have a productive conversation. Anyway, he said yesterday that we only talk when I want to talk and that is why I told him that we have to have a talk and he can do it when he is ready and sober as I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to have a conversation when he isn't up to just to avoid a fight. And is not that he is drunk all the time, but when he is drunk he wants to talk and when he is sober he doesn't, so I'm not engaging in this pattern anymore.
cogito I have been changing my ways due the combination of the 3 examples you gave above. I never idealised my father as an absent saint, I knew too well he always being an alcoholic, Bipolar (diagnosed) and abusive to us all. They divorced when we were young and I don't remember much about them together, but mum would tell us 'stories' which didn't do us any favour tbh. He did have a relationship with us however it wasn't regular and had to be when he wanted/how he wanted and for him was more of a chore. He was never affectionate in any way and never had anything positive to say. It was all and always criticisms and power control. He is still alive, leaves alone, he can't handle social interaction. I haven't talked to him in probably 5 years as we have nothing to say to each other. Maybe this is the reason why I say H is a good father: he genuinely loves dd (I never felt loved by my father), he is very positive with her, he indulges her, he makes her have fun and is very patient. And talk to her a lot. He is kind of the opposite of my dad but he resembles him at the same time. Freud would be able to explain easily why I put myself in the situation I am in.
As for my mum's behaviour, that is another long story.
Indulgent, fun and patient with DD when he's not drunk, high, blowing the family cash or being aggressive....? You never know, living apart from you and DD, having to be on best behaviour in order to maintain access, could be the incentive he needs to finally get his act together. All the time he's with you under the same roof he seems to have zero motivation to change...
and blames me for the wrongdoing and lack of motivation to change. I'm going to write my thoughts and feelings down, also print some stuff of the internet for him to read, maybe it will make communication easier when is time to talk. unless he plays the dyslexia card and refuses to read at all, showing than that he couldn't care less.
Anyone thinks is a good idea talking to MIL in private? I don't want her to interfere at this point nor convince her to be on my side but I feel I have to let a family member know where I stand and what we are going through. My family won't be able to help from far away and my friends won't get that much involved in a sense of mediation and practical help. I just think would be better for me if MIL knows where I'm coming from before the whole thing blows. God knows how he is going to behave from now on, I don't think I know this man. I wouldn't imagine he would ever blow money away like this, he just put money down the drain, it isn't that he bought anything...also he started to smoke cannabis once we were married and even the cocaine use came up last week. I had no idea.
You have to be so careful with close relatives. 'Blood is thicker than water' and, quite often, the reason these people are so feckless and irresponsible is because they've been indulged growing up. She may be totally blind to his faults. My worry would be that anything you tell her would a) get straight back to your husband and b) become a stick with which to beat you after you split up. If he only started taking drugs after you got married she may connect the two and - like him - make you out to be the bad guy. "He never did drugs before he met sweetestB!!".... I can hear my own DM saying just that.
I think this is one of those situations where you have to make your decision, take action and then present it to others as a fait accompli.
I see where you are coming from. But the reason why I'm thinking about talking to her is because she knows very well how difficult he can be and how vulnerable is the situation I'm in, being in a foreign country whitout my family. She told me at the time of my wedding that I could count on her but obviously I don't expect her to totally take my side, only be a support for all of us when needed. And I'm sorry, I wasn't accurate on my last post, he did have problems with drugs ages before I met him but when we got together it was established he was clean. It was last year he started with cannabis and last week he mentioned cocaine but I don't know details and don't trust him to tell me the truth anyway. Oh, and about 2 years ago, I was considering leaving to my country for good and I spoke to MIL about the problems, she took my side and confronted him which caused trouble between them. So I'm not looking for her to get involved or have my back, only to be in the know of my side of the story and what is going on.
Actually I can see her advising me to hang there as "things will get better eventuality"
Then she knows there are problems and she will not be surprised when you call her one day saying 'here's my new address'. Use friends and professionals to help you through this rather than his mother. He's going to need her more than you will.
Your mum divorced your rubbish dad when you were young. This, perhaps, is a pattern you might want to repeat. If she or your family think you're being typically useless (!) doing this then they can get stuffed.
thanks everyone. I guess I'm scared of losing her support as he can poison his whole family against me. MIL's brother got divorced and his ex went from being a member of the family to a wicked wich and no one bothered to know what she had to say. I'm screwed.
Why would you care if your in-laws thought you were a wicked witch? What impact can they have on you if you are not part of their family any more? If you and DD are happy, living life independently, able to relax in your own home, not frightened any more and enjoying building up a few savings rather than seeing them shoved up someone's nose..... who cares what others think?
He sent me a txt and the conversation went like this:
- I'm sorry
- I've heard this 1000000000 times and besides saying sorry doesn't fix problem
- So it's all one side is it?
- I don't use drugs, I dont get drunk frequently and I don't spend £800 on stupid games. Plus I took action to fix whatever problem I may have and you criticise me for this also.
-I'm not criticising anyone, will you be awake when I get home please?
-Even if I'm awake I don't think I can talk today
-I'm too drained and I need time.
Any special reason why you didn't finish with 'no point in talking because it's over'....?
Time for what? He seems to have nothing but time!!
He phoned me shortly after the texts saying that he really needed the conversation tonight. I said no, as I need to go back to my tax return and finish it as I have the deadline until the 31st but I'm not sure how long will take me to finish and I'm fed up with postponing it. Also he comes very late as he is on a night shift and I don't want to lose anymore sleep and I need to wake up tomorrow early.
He insisted as he really needs to talk and is feeling bad about himself.
I asked why is he feeling so bad as he was so sure of himself, he didn't think he was doing nothing wrong, and he was entitled to spend his hard earned money the way he wants.?
He than says he didn't know he was spending that much, he got carried away and the website is set up in a certain way that it tricks people in spending and he will show me later how it works. He said he thought he was spending maximum £100 to £150 (which is still a lot anyway) and he is devastated he made such a mistake (I believe in this actually because as I said upthread he is not only too laid back and feckless with money he isn't also very bright. It isn't a casino website is a game you play with other people and I have no clue where the money is going to)
Regarding drugs, it is not clear for me now the frequency of the abuse, he said he can stop, I said I don't believe, he asked if I trust him, I said no, because he has an addictive personality and I believe now only his will power is not enough to make him change, he asked what I want him to do, seek help, see the GP? I said I want him to take responsibility for his actions and stop blaming me for his bad behavior and if he is serious about changing anything he has to find out what to do and take steps, I'm not mothering him anymore.
We will also talk about divorce tonight.
Let's see how things go......
mrscumber I said I needed time
he got his own way then ?
he has decided he is coming to talk tonight, and lo he is coming to talk tonight
not sure how your new "strong" stance is going so far
Well anyfucker sorry to disappoint but I can't take any action whit out conversation. And also I think the conversation should be sooner than later. I know that for everyone else outside my situation the answers are very easy and clear, but for myself everything seems a lot complicated and scary. Also I have no support. I don't even know what support I can have if any in this economic climate since I work, have an income and savings. I'm not even a victim of physical abuse and if I was (all respect to the victims out there) things would be easier, I would have much more support and accommodation. There isn't an OW for me to kick him out. I'm in London. I suppose with my savings I could rent a small flat and after paying deposit, 1st rent and bills, plus agency fees I would have nothing left. And the savings are supposed to be joint as he pay the majority of bills while I save my money. I'm a CM. If I move out I have to stop working asap, loosing clients and having no income. Also is hard to find a landlord who accepts CMs, specially in London where the competition for property is fierce. I already gave notice to clients as I want to close down my business in the summer anyway (and did this before all the recent problems came out) so I need at least to get a job too so I can start to move on. I'm even wondering now if I should close down before summer, tell clients to find another childcare asap and close as soon as I'm free.
I'm on your side
You told him you didn't want to talk tonight
Now you are talking tonight
If you want to stay together and improve things you have to stop letting him call all the shots
I also think it's a mistake to let him talk you around before you have taken legal and professional advice
That is all
Sorry I didn't reply last night OP. I've just scanned your posts since and I can relate to where you are.
From the time I knew I wanted out to the time I actually managed to get out was 2 very stressful years. I wanted it to work as I saw divorce as failure. We fought, he said things would change, he was demeaning and abusive, my self esteem was at the point that I didn't feel as if I deserved better (he did a real number on that), we had a couple of ok months, we fought, he said things would change (while blaming me) etc etc.
He was also in and out of work while I held everything together (job/finances/toddler/relationship). I think if I'd had any RL support I'd have been able to leave sooner. This was all 8 years ago.
I tried to keep things amicable but he chose to play the victim and it was just an excuse for him to blame me for more (this time it was 'taking his son away'). Fast forward a couple of years and things calmed down and they started to see each other fairly regularly until one day my DS just said he didn't want to see him. We thought it may last a week or two but weeks became months and as time passed he became more determined that he didn't want anything to do with his dad. That was 2 years ago. He's now approaching his teens.
I feel sad for both of them but I won't lie, our lives are a lot calmer and less stressful on one level. We manage alone (no financial support or respite from each other 100% of the time) but I wouldn't do anything differently. And even with all the stress of my ex....I wouldn't have my son without him so I have no regrets, it all happens for a reason.
Be strong and keep focussed on what's best for you and your kids.
anyfucker thanks. I appreciate your help. But I told him yesterday whenever he is ready to talk he can come and talk. So he says he needs talking and I said no. So I was being inconsistent. He insisted so if he is desperately needing talking, so I want to hear. Let's not waste no more time I say.
Have you talked tonight then ?
Still in the process of talking, a bit each day, both spilling out feelings and digesting.
Is he actually listening to you ?
Taking responsibility ?
Or falling into well-worn patterns of emotional abuse and blaming others ? (as per your OP, when this kind of thing has happened before)
Demonstrating respect for you by having a shower ?
What about the drugs ? Is this not a deal breaker for you ?
My worry is that he talks you around yet again, lies low for a while and then just repeats the same behaviour when you start to relax again.
No, anyfucker, actually I don't think he is listening or understanding. He is still playing the game but says he is not spending money on it, I need to check the bank statement (when I 1st found a bit of money spent on the game I enquired him and he explained he got to the level he wanted and wasn't going to spend anymore, than I decided to dig all the past year statements and got to the extent of the spending, which shocked him, which is stupid anyway because he should know what he was doing).
Since the incident he bought himself two items that aren't necessary and he could easily go without.
He is still smoking cannabis and drinking beer in the evenings
Perhaps he too wants to end but don't have the balls to say it to my face or take the first step.
I'm scared, but I can't leave straight away. I need to find a job
ohtobecleo thanks for sharing.
Is it relevant to mention I'm his first ever serious relationship whereas I had a marriage before him and many boyfriends before my first marriage. I'm also 4 years older.
Not that this should be an excuse for anything, but I have more experience in dealing with a partner iyswim.
He was also virgin before meeting me....
So many red flags, I was properly blind.
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