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Is he a dick

(31 Posts)
Bitofadviceplease Sun 20-Jan-13 09:28:55

Hi, just after a bit of advice...

Been seeing a guy I met off a dating site for just over a month. All going well & very happy although he's a bit too much of a 'jack the lad' for me as I'm not the 'out every weekend' or partying type, however I'm not going to stop him going out doing that if he enjoys it.

However, we had been meant to be going together to his friends sisters 40th party last night. I had not been feeling well all day & had actually been sick earlier in the day!

Come 6pm, I felt so sick I couldn't even eat my dinner. I was half expecting him to just say he'd stay at home & look after me & give the party a miss. However, he continued to get ready for the party & said he had to go because it was his best pals sisters party.

I eventually said I'd just go home to my place then as didn't want to sit at his alone feeling crap when he was out getting drunk.

He sent literally a couple of texts last night all night so u don't even know if he got home :/ was expecting him to maybe have even called me once to see how I was or is that just wishful thinking?

I'm meant to be meeting his folks today & his wee boy from a previous relationship but I'm still a bit pee'd off with him for his decisions/behaviour last night.

Thoughts?? Am I over reacting?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 20-Jan-13 09:33:05

Hmmmm, i would say you where a bit, although a call wouldn't have been difficult.

You have only been together for a month, so expecting him to change his plans to look after you seems a bit much.

Other people may disagree though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jan-13 09:33:33

Did you actually ask him to stay with you? Or was it really 'half-expecting'? From what you say this man isn't about to stop partying for the sake of someone he's only known a month. Not 'a dick' exactly, just not the settling-down type. If you want someone more attentive, keep looking.

Xales Sun 20-Jan-13 09:37:36

Not really much he could have done for you and no reason for him to miss a party he had arranged to go to.

I would put the brakes on meeting his child after only a month.

I prob would have gone to party if I had commited and wanted to go. Two texts is fine, no?
it might be that you want more from him than he can give you - or it might be that you've only been dating a month and it's early days yet.

Bitofadviceplease Sun 20-Jan-13 09:38:50

Nah I didn't ask him to stay with me, just guess I expected he might offer as I'd have done that for him.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 20-Jan-13 09:41:32

I think in that case you should let it go, or find someone else. I wouldn't have stayed if i was him. Sorry.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 20-Jan-13 09:43:06

think youre expecting too much. you felt a bit crap, so what possible looking after could you have needed? youve only been together a month. by the way i met my DPs little boy after about a month and everything was absolutely fine and now been together over 2 years. if your boyfriend says its ok then leave it upto him.

Bitofadviceplease Sun 20-Jan-13 09:44:58

That's ok, I just wanted other people's opinions as I know sometimes I'm short sighted. He's also told me before that people have accused him of treating women like sh*t and I said to him I won't listen to others but make up my own mind about him, so I guess part of me is wondering if this is the start....

piratecat Sun 20-Jan-13 09:49:14

someone once said on here, 'listen when a man tells you he's shit to women' or 'when he tells you something bad about himself' as it's invariably true.

Can't remember the exact words, but it's always stuck in my mind. Just, beware.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jan-13 09:50:30

He's telling you he treats women like shit. smile It's called 'expectation setting'. If you complain about his treatment at any stage he will shrug his shoulders and say 'told you I treat women like shit'. <Ker-ching!> Kick this one to the kerb.

AuntieStella Sun 20-Jan-13 09:56:22

If you're still feeling ill, it's probably better that you stay at home and I hope you are better soon.

I don't think it was unreasonable of him to go to the party (I'm assuming you weren't violently vomiting or anything) as it was better for you to have an early night to sleep and recover and so there would be nothing for him to do.
I wouldn't expect texts or calls from the party either - if I were sleeping and they woke me, I'd be pretty pissed off.

Now, I'm not putting it that way to say your way of seeing things is wrong - rather to point out that there are other ways of seeing it and they could be kindly intended.

AuntieStella Sun 20-Jan-13 09:58:22

I typed my post before your 'treating like shit' post appeared.

That's a whole separate can of worms. What exactly has he done that led to those sorts of comments? It's something you really need to get to the bottom of in the early days.

Bluestocking Sun 20-Jan-13 09:59:08

What pirate and cogito said. When someone tells you who they are, you need to listen. He's told you he treats women like shit. He didn't even bother to wrap it up in more palatable language! Don't meet his family, don't meet his son, just get rid today.

greeneyed Sun 20-Jan-13 10:04:16

Nothing wrong with his behaviour in OP after a month of seeing someone I wouldn't be baby sitting them whilst they were puking. Two texts is more than enough if he is out.

BUT the people say I treat women like shit comment would send me running for the hills.

TurnipCake Sun 20-Jan-13 10:06:49

Ahh, this kind of behaviour often plays right into their hands if you don't have the right level of self-esteem. As Cogito said, it's 'expectation setting'

The person on the receiving end of their statement can either a) heroically say, "It doesn't matter what Other People say, it's you and me against the world!" and end up disappointed b) make excuses, "Oh, it's because they had a bad childhood/distant father/a dog once bit them" try to fix them and feel sad when they can't or c) get the fuck outta there

larrygrylls Sun 20-Jan-13 10:10:19

I think you are a coming over as a bit needy, OP. You have been seeing a guy a month, which probably means you have met him between 4 and 12 times in total. He is still really an acquaintance who you happen to be having sex with (that is, in my old fashioned opinion, the problem with having a sexual relationship really quickly. It creates a dichotomy between how you feel about someone and how little you actually know them). Why should he cancel a party to look after you? Would your real friends, who you have known far longer, or even your birth family? Unless one is seriously ill, most people are happy snuggled up alone in bed with a good book or the TV on. I am not sure you can form any judgment about your latest on this behaviour. The fact he texted at all is, in my mind, surprising. He is either pandering to your needs or is really quite loving and committed.

Why not either just enjoy the relationship for what it is, a bit of fun, or look for someone more compatible who really wants a fast commitment? However, as many people point out on other threads, men and women who commit too quickly come with lots of red flags attached.

pictish Sun 20-Jan-13 10:18:13

1. Regarding the party...yabu. Expecting a boyfriend of one month to cry off a night out, to look after you because you've been sick once and can't eat your dinner is needy and unrealistic. You're not 6 and he's not your dad. He texted you a couple of times which to me, is more than sufficent contact.
I think your expectations are a little childish and self centred.

BUT

2. Run for the hills for fuck's sake!! He's told you to expect to be treated like shit. He has told you what he's like. Listen to him. Don't be the sort of dope that hangs on in there hoping to be the woman to change all that. You won't.

Bitofadviceplease Sun 20-Jan-13 10:19:39

Thanks for the replies, lots to think about...

We are really compatible which is good. He has told me things that have happened in the past, which makes him just sound like a jack the lad, but people change and I am not holding the past against him. I want to give him a chance as he is lovely.

I think your right, I'm just too needy & like to be looked after when not well sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jan-13 10:28:03

Wake up and smell the coffee. His jack the lad past, his preference for parties and the fact that his friends say he is shit with women are all part of the same ground-setting story.... 'I'm a shit but with you babe, I'll be a different guy'.... 'all the women I had in the past were bitches but you're not like them'.

People rarely change.... Have fun finding that out.

pictish Sun 20-Jan-13 10:30:03

Good luck then.

TurnipCake Sun 20-Jan-13 10:34:02

OP, if it looks like a duck...

I do speak from experience btw. I met a guy who had a bit of a past with the ladies, other people warned me off him. I decided I wanted to make up my own mind, fair enough. Except when it came to light that he was a lying, cheating sack of shit, I ignored it, because I felt foolish for giving him the chance and so badly wanted to make it work. If you're not willing to heed the warning signs now, will it really happen 6-12 months down the line when you feel more emotionally invested?

Once that grim relationshit was over, I spent some money on the therapy I very much needed to figure out why I tolerated these situations and flew the flag for co-dependency everywhere. I'm much happier for it now.

NewYearNewNagoo Sun 20-Jan-13 10:44:25

He doesn't sound like a keeper TBH.

Reading the OP, I don't think that he was particularly out of order. I wouldn't ever think that someone going back to his own house would message you to say they got in from a party at god-knows-what time. You didn't ask him to look after you, and he had plans. I don't think that sounded dickish particularly.

But everything else? Nah. I wouldn't be hanging around wondering if a 'Jack The Lad' would settle down. What does that even mean? It's a euphemism for cheating misogynist, no?

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Mon 21-Jan-13 08:38:58

Why would you ignore the warning about treating you like shit?? If someone says 'don't go to that hairdresser, they're shit' you'd listen wouldn't you?

Dump this one and find someone who says nice things about himself.

piratecat Mon 21-Jan-13 08:44:07

stillsmiling, loving your analogy with the shit hairdresser, tis totally true tho!!

dequoisagitil Mon 21-Jan-13 10:30:10

As they say, when someone tells you what they're like, listen.

It's too soon to meet this guy's child anyway. Not fair on the child.

McBalls Mon 21-Jan-13 10:37:01

What would worry me (or turn me off) most is that he would introduce his son to someone so quickly.

Doesn't that make you wonder about his maturity? I would see this as a huge lack of emotional intelligence or integrity.

sparklyjumper Mon 21-Jan-13 10:44:07

I don't think he's a dick for going to the party, it's still so early in and I don't even know if it would be reasonable to expect a long term partner to stay in to look after you unless you were really sick, the fact that you were able to get home says you didn't really need looking after.

I would question your compatibility though, if he's a 'jack the lad' going out partying type and you're not. Might be setting yourself up for a big fall.

SorryMyLollipop Mon 21-Jan-13 15:18:47

He's a dick (not because of the party), and he's told you that he's a dick.
I was seeing a guy a while back who told me that he had got "very angry" in a situation with an ex. We had been together a couple of weeks. I remembered the saying "when someone tells you who they are, listen!" From MN.

I knew it was a red flag, I walked away thankfully.

People can and do change BUT they need to:
1) want to change
2) be ready to change
3) understand how/what/why to change
3) take steps to change, sometimes with additional help

Has he explained to you the process of change that he has been through? What triggered it etc? How he self monitors etc?

Wanting and wishing do not make people change, unfortunately.

susanann Mon 21-Jan-13 15:55:29

In your OP you said youre not a partying sort of girl and hes a jack the lad. Then later on you say youre very compatible , sorry but that sounds contradictory to me. He doesnt sound like your type and also the treating women like shit bit is very worrying! But clearly you dont want to hear that. Good luck, youre gonna need it hun!

Crinkle77 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:47:08

YABU. If it was just an ordinary night out with the lads then I would say he might have been a bit mean but it was a special birthday party. And if you have a stomach bug it would be unfair to expect him to hang about and catch it off you. If you were ill in bed then what is he going to do? he may as well go the party.

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