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'D' H assulted me half an hour ago and I've just given a statement.

(89 Posts)
shadesofwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 21:05:24

He boxed my head and nearly broke my arm. I was terribly shakint and called the police, they showed up in no time and he did a runner before they got here. They are searching for him and I'm home with DD trying to take my mind off what just happened. Sorry I can explain what led tpo this nasty incident now but I just needed a hand holding. Part of me feels guilty coz the ss will get involved and absolutely scared of what will happen next.

sweetestB Sat 19-Jan-13 21:07:08

LTB. Be scared of staying.

MouseyHousey Sat 19-Jan-13 21:09:14

<offers hand>
I dont have any advice but Im sure an experienced MNer will be along in no time. You have done the right thing and have been incredibly brave

Minimammoth Sat 19-Jan-13 21:09:22

I have absolutely no experience, but holding hand. Can you call someone to be with you.

ZZZenAgain Sat 19-Jan-13 21:10:07

can you ask a friend or member of your family to come over and be there with you?

headlesslambrini Sat 19-Jan-13 21:11:09

just keep talking to us. The more you get 'out' the more you start to accept and make sense of things. You have done the right thing by ringing the police and never doubt that. Do you have anyone in RL that can come and keep you company?

VivaLeBeaver Sat 19-Jan-13 21:11:25

Well done for calling the police. Have you left your key in the lock/bolted the door so he can't get back in?

Good on you for reporting it. The future may seem scary, but you will be stronger than you realised you could be.

You need to get an order from the police that prevents him from coming near you or entering the house.
It's natural to feel conflicted as you do, but he is a violent man and ss will need to be involved in order to protect your DD. He is not safe to be around her or you.
Have you any family friends who can be with you? Do not listen to him if he contacts you at any point full of remorse. It is bullshit. Stay safe.

VivaLeBeaver Sat 19-Jan-13 21:12:38

And don't feel guilty, this is not your fault.

Whatever happens next nothing will be as bad as what's happened. Ss will see you've done the right thing for your dd by calling the police.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 21:13:27

You've done absolutely the right thing by calling the police.

Do you have a supportive friend or family member who could be with you? (Not if they're likely to be dismissive or take his side)

The SS will only be interested if you let him back. If you keep him out of the home, then they will accept you're keeping the dc safe.

Gottabbrave Sat 19-Jan-13 21:13:44

So sorry try and calm down and lock the door in case he returns.
Make sure his abuse is logged with the police when you can and do NOT let him back in ! No amount of pleading can make him justifyable.
You have to stay strong for your daughter right now and phone womans aid asap get yourself on the freedom programme .
This man is a menace and dangerous and believe me he wont change. Stay safe xxx

KumquatMae Sat 19-Jan-13 21:14:57

Well done you've just taken the first step in getting the bastard out of your life. When my ex was arrested for abusing me he was held overnight - the police were fantastic they knew I didn't have anywhere I could go until the next day so they kept him there until I could be gone.
You've done brilliantly.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 19-Jan-13 21:15:46

Please please please press charges. Don't fall for victim guilt or feel sorry for him.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Lock the doors, make sure you have a friend or family with you and be strong.

Have you seen a doctor?

shadesofwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 21:16:05

I've got no RL support whatsoever, I know I've done the right thing cause I'm just tired of being abused occasionally and yet goes around saying how terrible I am and the fact that I'm on Anti-D's everyone believes him. Its been a trend and I'm sick and tired of being run over and keeping quiet every single time. I don't care if he sleeps in Jail today. I blacked out when he punched me and twisted my arm so he deserved it. My DD doesn't need to grow up seeing her poor mum treated like trash. This is me saying no more to domestic abuse from this bastard.

WeAreSix Sat 19-Jan-13 21:17:17

Well done for calling the police and not letting him get away with his awful, awful behaviour.

Another hand to hold.

MumVsKids Sat 19-Jan-13 21:17:19

Hand holding (((((((hug))))))

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 19-Jan-13 21:17:23

And anything that happens next will only be the first step in getting rid of this abusive prick. don't be scared of SS. Sometime they are there to help.

KumquatMae Sat 19-Jan-13 21:17:24

Also, what deqouisagitil said. SS will be informed but as long as you keep him out of your life they will have no reason for concern.

MumVsKids Sat 19-Jan-13 21:18:36

What's your location, I'm happy to be your RL support if you're anywhere near me (Derbyshire)

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 19-Jan-13 21:18:43

Well done for being so brave, you're right you're dd deserves better and so do you.

Do you not have any family or friends nearby?

headlesslambrini Sat 19-Jan-13 21:18:55

well done you. be proud of yourself for not accepting this anymore. you need to keep busy over the next couple of days, take photos of the bruising and everytime you feel weak, look at them and remind yourself that you are strong. Don't let him back into your life otherwise you'll be back at square one.

Lueji Sat 19-Jan-13 21:19:01

Why on earth should you feel guilty???

That's right:
This is me saying no more to domestic abuse from this bastard.

Keep hold of that feeling.

Make sure you and your DD are safe and go on with your life.
He doesn't deserve any pity.

Lueji Sat 19-Jan-13 21:21:08

Also, you don't need to "explain" what led to this nasty incident.

He's a bastard is the only explanation.

Unless he attacked you in self defence (and even so, he would have used too much force) there is no excuse for his behaviour.

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 21:21:39

Have you been injured? Have the police suggested that you be medically examined?

If your dd was present when he assaulted you, the police are duty bound to send a report of the incident to SS who will contact/call on you, most probably sometime during the next week as they are statutorily obliged to check your dd is notat risk of harm.

It's in your best interests, and those of your dd, to ensure he doesnt return to your home before any SS is investigation is complete.

When the police find him they will arrest him and take him to a police station where he will read be his rights and questioned.

If the police decide to caution him and he accepts a caution, he will be released immediately. If the police decide to charge him it's unlikely he will be kept in custody and he will be bailed to appear at the station or the Magistrates Court on a given date. If the police pick him up tonight, he's likely to be at large again either in the early hours or sometime tomorrow morning.

How safe is your home? If he took his keys with him, can you bolt or otherwise secure the main entry door and any other external doors from the inside?

Do you have family/friends living nearby? Is there anyone you can ask to stay with you this evening or overnight?

florry88 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:22:01

Thinking of you, you most defintly have done the right thing, your life can BEGIN now xxx

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 19-Jan-13 21:22:33

Oh lovely. Xxxx
Let ss help you, it's what they are there to do xx

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 21:24:20

Please visit and call the 24/7 helpline.

bubby64 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:29:11

Here to hand hold as well. You are a incredibly strong and brave lady and you are rote ting your child as well as yourself. Have you had your injuries checked out, especially as you blacked out, you must do so, as you don't want to black out later because of head trauma when you are alone with you DC. Can you go into hospital tonight if there is no-one to look after you, your DC should be able to go with you. Please ensure you press charges, your partner doesn't deserve you and belongs behind bars.

bubby64 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:30:38

That should say "protecting your child " auto correct gone mad!

susanann Sat 19-Jan-13 21:32:09

What a brave lady you are. Well done for going to the police. Hope you and DD are ok

mamalovebird Sat 19-Jan-13 21:33:07

Am sitting here crying for you. Well done for calling the police.
And what an inspiration you are to your dd standing up and not taking this shit anymore. No one should put up with that crap. xx

myroomisatip Sat 19-Jan-13 21:38:49

You were very brave to call the Police.

Sadly, I put up with so much crap in my relationship that it impacted on my kids. I ended up calling the Police on my son when he assaulted his sister. You really have done the right thing.

Keep posting here. MN was the only thing that helped me realise how much of my life was totally 'wrong'!

shadesofwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 21:49:47

the ambulance was here and they have checked me, taken pics of marks and checked my head and eyes. My BP was high and heart rate was high. They stayed over for abit as I told them I didn't want to go to the hospital with DD and before they left my Heart rate was back to normal. I'm just getting a terrible head ache now. Hope all will be well. Thank you all for the support, it means a lot to me and DD.

shadesofwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 21:51:58

Thanks MumVsKids for offering the help, I'm in London sad ...quite a distance. God Bless you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 19-Jan-13 21:53:13

Roughly what area are you in?

Well done for calling the Police Shades, you are extremely brave.

Glad the Police and Ambulance crew were supportive.

Is your house secure, can you bolt the doors/windows from the inside to stop him getting back in?

<holds hand>

wolveschick Sat 19-Jan-13 22:09:29

Issy's advice is good. Depends on which area you are in but police usually don't caution for domestic violence matters. If he is bailed from the police station to court it should be with conditions to keep away from you and your home. If he is charged to court then witness care/independent domestic violence workers should be in touch and keep you posted big it goes as far as trial the best thing you can do is turn up as often not guilty pleas are put in on te basis that the victim will change his/her mind. Good luck

Sunnywithshowers Sun 20-Jan-13 01:20:18

Well done for reporting lovely. <offers hand>

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 20-Jan-13 01:32:32

Well done, you've been very brave and very strong. I think you will be able to get an emergency order keeping him away from the house first thing Monday morning - keep the doors and windows locked for now and if he does turn up, don't hesitate to ring 999 again and say that he has returned and you are scared he is going to attack again. There is plenty of help and support out there to ensure that he is kept away from you.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 20-Jan-13 01:33:14

ALso, once he is gone you will probably find that you can come off the antidepressants etc.

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 02:07:01

Well done, Shades. It takes guts to report. Hang onto that, and keep yourself safe. Phone Women's Aid, as they can offer you support in rl.

Meanwhile, hang in there.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 02:15:59

Well done for reporting it. Please do ring Women's Aid, they helped my friend immensely.

You have had done good advice and support here. Please do whatever it takes to protect yourself and DD from this man.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 02:32:58

I hope you were able to get some beneficial sleep last night, shades.

If the police don't make contact with you this morning, call them and ask whether he's been apprehended and, if so, ask whether he has been/will be released on bail and ask what address he has been/will be bailed to and what conditions, if any, must he observe while on bail.

Have you been allocated a dv worker by your borough's police dv unit?

If your h is named on your mortgage/tenancy agreement, it may be advisable for you to apply for ex parte occupation and non-molestation Orders asap. Your dv worker will be able to refer, or take, you to a solicitor who will have experience in making applications of this nature.

Any such Orders will be granted for an interim period, usually 28 days, pending a full Hearing of the matter(s).

The paramedics who attended last night will have checked for concussion; if your headache continues and you find yourself feeling drowsy or forgetful please call 999 and ask for the ambulance service so that you can be seen in an A&E unit - you can take your dd wth you.

Please bear in mind that you've sustained a severe shock, not just to the parts of your body he attacked, but to your whole system. Don't try to do too much over the next couple of days - stay in the warm, drink plenty of fluids, be sure to eat regularly - little and often if you can't stomach your usual size portions and, dd permitting, make sure you rest/nap during the day.

I know this is easy to say and not quite so easy to do, but try not to overthnk everything that has happened or get caught up in a maelstrom of thoughts about what may happen. Take each day as it comes and, until you feel fully yourself again, only do chores that are essential to your own and dd's wellbeing.

Last night you proved you're not lacking in courage and that courage, coupled with a firm resolve to create the life that you and your dd deserve, will get you get you to a better place sooner than you may think possible, honey.

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 03:05:53

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE... yes ss will most definitely be in long as you prove you are keeping ur child safe ie: calling police which you have done...keeping him out of the home...i got an undertaking but DO NOT ACCEPT THIS IN COURT please please listen this is so want a restraining order not an undertaking ...and this is also need one with "power of arrest" ...the difference between the two are to clarify restraining order with power of arrest,...i didnt get this and its led to him bullying me for the last year...i have lots of advice about this situation as ive been there...xxxx message me if u need comfort or advice xx

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 03:07:24

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE... yes ss will most definitely be in long as you prove you are keeping ur child safe ie: calling police which you have done...keeping him out of the home...i got an undertaking but DO NOT ACCEPT THIS IN COURT please please listen this is so want a restraining order not an undertaking ...and this is also need one with "power of arrest" ...the difference between the two are to clarify restraining order with power of arrest,...i didnt get this and its led to him bullying me for the last year...i have lots of advice about this situation as ive been there...xxxx message me if u need comfort or advice xx

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 03:07:45

Oops sorry for double post x

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 13:33:26

Thanks all fpr the advice. We had a good night sleep and I'm feeling alittle better. I kind of feel happier without him around belittling me and destroying my self esteem at every opportunity. So, I don't know what to do but having read your replies this is my plan,

--call the police to find out what happened.

Wait for tomorrow to ring Womens aid.

I'm worried about having to move my DD in this terrible weather conditions and I'm opting to stay at our home. there is a SW who rang me yesterday offering a BnB and I declined just because I want to keep my DD in her safe warm home. My biggest worry is (I'm only 24 so I don't know much about my rights in such situation) we might get evicted from here. We are tenents and my name is not on the tenancy agreement. What should I do, I'm a SAHM and have no income whatsoever. Have no friends or family to help me aout. Can I get the court to make him pay the rent while he is restrained? Please, don't go away, help me out and don't tire replying back with advice. I need it. You are all I have to get through this.

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 13:36:22

Hi Xlittlekelly thanks for the advice. Please explain alittle more about this.. undertaking but DO NOT ACCEPT THIS IN COURT please please listen this is so want a restraining order not an undertaking ...and this is also need one with "power of arrest" ...the difference between the two are to clarify restraining order with power of arrest,...i didnt get this and its led to him bullying me for the last year.. what advice did you get and who did you go to?

AngryTrees Sun 20-Jan-13 13:41:10

In a situation like yours I would contact Shelter and ask about what to do and what your rights are.

Website here:

They give all sorts of advice to do with housing and are very good. I would also look to see if you have a local Citizen's Advice Bureau that you can make an appointment with to talk about this.

I would also take a look at this Emergency housing rights checker to see what assistance your local council can offer you:

lunar1 Sun 20-Jan-13 13:41:37

Well done for phoning the police op, did they find him last night?

BertieBotts Sun 20-Jan-13 13:44:52

Ring Women's Aid back and ask for their advice. Tell them you've been offered a B&B (and I'm sure they would offer you refuge also if they have spaces available and you wanted it).

I have a sinking feeling that if your name is not on the tenancy then your rights are very little - the fact that you've been living there is not taken into account.

Shelter also might be able to advise - they are very good on issues about housing law and homelessness. They have a helpline: 0808 800 4444 It's open until 5pm today and 8pm on weekdays. Calls are free from landlines and also on Virgin, Orange, 3, T-mobile, Vodafone and O2.

In fact I'd call Shelter first and then consider your options. Women's Aid will try to house you if they can but you might have to move out of the area. Of course staying where you are would be the best option, if you can legally stay and IF you can ensure that he can't get back into the house and start living as you did before - it's great that you feel better without him around - hold on to that because you will go through a huge rollercoaster of emotions especially when he gets out and inevitably contacts you. In some ways it's easier to be somewhere else as it can keep reminding you that this is real, it's happened etc - the urge is so strong to have him back and carry on as before, be strong!

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 13:50:44

Contact your local Sure Start Children's Centre as well. They have all sorts of people that can help you, Homeworkers, advisers, counsellors. All free for mums with children under five. They would help you to find out what benefits you are entitled to. They can sometimes also offer childcare to help you out.

They also run all sorts of courses and baby groups where you could make new friends.

Womens Aid would definitely help you find somewhere to live in the first instance. I agree that if your name is not on the tenancy, you would probably have no rights to remain there.

Also, look into finding some part time work and ring the Tax Credit Office, to see what tax credits you could get if you were working. You would also get help with childcare.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 13:51:17

Are you renting from a private landlord or is the property social housing - i.e rented from a council or housing association or similar?

Please note that, while all domestic violence cases have many common denominators, each case is different and you need legal advice that is specific to your own situation.

Are your married to your abuser and is he the father of your dd? Has he made any attempt to contact you?

It's probable the officers who attended last night work out of your nearest police station. When you speak to the police today and have ascertained the current state of play with regard to whether or not he's been apprehended, ask to speak to be referred to an officer in the Domestic Violence Unit - it may be that you'll be required to leave a message but they will call back.

If you don't intend to call WA today, do take a look at the website as it contains a wealth of information that wll be of value to you.

Many mumsnetters ive in London; without revealing your address, are you in the north, south, east, west of the capital and do you live in an inner or outer London borough?

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 13:52:29

'ask to speak to or be referred' etc

Hang in there, OP. I admire your bravery. Well done for standing up to the fucker. I hope that you get the help you need to keep him out of your life x

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 14:01:50

I just rang the police station and the lady I spoke to said she can't give me any info from what happened after, implying that I have to wait for the officers who are involved to contact me when they come in for night shift.

I'm soo worried right now and can't stop thinking how I'm gona cope with this situation. H is the father of my DD and he has a high top job and I feel like he'll get the best lawyers in London to fight me in courts and for the rest of my life. I have nothing apart from my DD, no money, no family no job...sad .

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 14:06:26

Our home is private rented. Before I met him he'd lost house to his ex fiancé who had a son(not his) I obviously didn't know what happened for him to lose the mortgage but that's why his current mortgage is under his sisters name (cleverdick) and we rented a home that only only under his name.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 14:10:07

It must be very scary and hard for you, but you cannot bring your child up in a home of violent behaviour. There is plenty of help out there for you.

Like Izzy says, which area of London are you in? There are some lovely MN'ers out there who might be able to help you.

Legal Aid for divorce is ending in April and will only be available in cases of DV, so you should still qualify for it. Take a look at the following link for advice and help on finding a solicitor in your area.

You would also qualify for free mediation, although they would not make you sit in a room with him due to DV, you would sit in separate rooms with one or two mediators, going between you to discuss child contact etc, although again, in cases of DV, I don't know how access is affected by that.

Do not feed trapped, do not feel like you have nothing, there are so many organisations out there that will help you and you will be able to get FREE legal advice to get away from him, so do not worry about that.

Stay strong, you CAN do this

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 14:11:12

feed = FEEL.....

You will need to get legal advice if you intend to stay in your home as you will require an occupation order.

You may want to consider the offer of a b&b once the weather improves, you would only be in b&b for a short while, then they would find you alternative accommodation. At least that way he will have no idea where you are and it will be harder to harrass and bully you.

I hope women's aid can help you access the appropriate support.

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 14:15:05

Thank you sky , having alook at the website now. I'm in north London.

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 14:19:26

When u go to court ur ex will probably try ans make u accept an "undertaking" but dont allow this whatever u do xxx only accept restraining order with power of arrest x make sure it has the "power of arrest" attached xx

magimedi88 Sun 20-Jan-13 14:19:54

Can't offer any more advice than the great stuff that others here are giving you but just wanted to say what a very brave woman & good Mum you are for reporting him.

struwelpeter Sun 20-Jan-13 14:21:51

Brave, brave woman.
If you can, call Women's Aid today asap. They are open 24/7 but can be hard to get through to. I think you can leave a message and ask them to call you back. If you begin that conversation today and they will have access to advice for you specific to your area then you will have got the ball rolling for tomorrow when other agencies/offices are open.
Also if DD is under 5, then put a call into health visitor and see what they can do to support or playgroup worker, old antenatal teacher - it's ok they will all have had training or at least some theoretical knowledge in dealing with DV. And lean on SS, they will be so supportive of you doing exactly the right thing and asking for their help.
Not in London, but if you can give an indication of where you are roughly then fingers xxed there will be a MNer around who can give you support or can PM you so not public.
Keep warm, cosy up with DD and don't try to do too much today. Films in front of the telly and chocolate or whatever you two like doing together.
This is the first day of the rest of your life without violence.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 14:23:17

I'm sorry to tell you that as your name is not on the tenancy agreement of your privately rented accomodation, you have no right in law to occupy the premises.

In the absence of any restriction(s) imposed on him by way of bail conditions, he s free to return to the property at any time and he can lawfully ask the police to remove you and your dd.

Under the circumstances, I would suggest you make contact with the police Domestic Violence Unit (which is a quick route to all of the services provided by the women's refuge movement including emergency accomodation) or call Women's Aid as a matter of urgency.

Try not to worry about events that may never happen because if they happen you'll deal with them at the time.

I'm snowed in and going nowhere this afternoon so let's take a look at your options, try to allay some of your fears, and work out the best plan of action for you.

Are you married to him? Is he the father of your dd and is he named on her birth certificate?

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 14:23:30

I had a solicitor but not a good one :/... Ive learnt from my mistakes as not having the power of arreat cost me dearly x

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:28

Also if you are made homeless the council will have to rehouse you in a council house...u may have to stay in b&b for a small time xx

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 14:35:43

If it's any consolation to you, kelly, I have known many instances - and many have been reported on this board - of the police failing to arrest for breaches of non-molestation Orders where power of arrest has been granted by the Courts.

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 14:55:15

oh God im trying to read through the websites and i cant take in anything. I want to be ready for tomorrow ie to be aware of my rights and what help is out there for me and DD. i just cant take in anything sad sad . Im such a wreck and weak. Shelter lines are busy but i'll keep trying to ring them.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 15:01:12

Forget Shelter. Call 101 and ask to talk to any police officer who works in the Domestic Violence Unit.

Don't stress - have a cup of tea and calm down and we can work out the best course of action for you.

How old is your dd?

ErikNorseman Sun 20-Jan-13 15:05:09

Have you called women's aid? They may be able to unpick all the benefits/housing rights stuff.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 15:06:11

It's OK. The main priority is a roof over your heads, anything else can wait. I just gave you the link for Legal Aid, so you know that there is help out there, but you don't need to be worrying about anything now, other than finding somewhere to live.

Like Izzy says, have a cup of tea, calm down and take it from there.

One step at a time

ThePlEWhoLovedMe Sun 20-Jan-13 15:14:02

Shades I am so sorry this has happened to you. What area of N London are you in ? I am in Barnet.

Pilgit Sun 20-Jan-13 16:03:11

someone on another thread did a long post of really useful advice - lurker so can't pin it down but am sure some of the others here will know where it is. Good luck and lots of best wishes.

TheAllNewMe Sun 20-Jan-13 16:39:36

I know that what you are going through is very difficult, but you have already done the hardest thing. You are certainly not weak.

What you did, in ringing the police is probably the single most important thing you will ever do for your daughter. In one brave action you have prevented her from growing up in an abusive atmosphere and shown her that women do not have to accept abuse from men, ever. That is a very big thing you are doing for yourself but even more importantly, for her. You have probably changed the course of her life, for the better, in that moment.

Please remember this and be strong. He will no doubt come crawling back with empty promises to behave like a decent human being in future. He may even believe this himself. But he won't, he can't. That is how he is made. You would always be waiting for the next time, and the next time always comes.

Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mother. Take all the help that you can find, for both of you. His lawyers can do fuck all against the photographs of your bruises and the record of police and ambulance coming to your house.

Hissy Sun 20-Jan-13 16:59:11

You have some brilliant advice on here, we'll see you right.

try to stay calm, you are doing the right thing and it's all on record. be strong, push hard for conviction, and protect yourself.

you will need to get out of there. Please call the dV team to get yourself to a B&B or a refuge.

shadesofwhite Sun 20-Jan-13 17:16:01

Thank you all sooo much. Been reading your replies again and again to keep me strong and calm for DD. Will update once I speak to the police later. H hasn't tried to contact me so I'm kinda nervous about his whereabouts. The house is secure and there is no way he can get in. This r'ship has been on and off hoping he'll change and this is the closure for me and my DD. I will nEver ever come back again. I nearly lost my life yesterday and who know what he'd have done had I not called the police? Its going to be a tough and painful road for us but I'm looking at a better future. Been abused all my life since my mother passed on and I can't allow it anymore. Thanks for the immense support.

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 17:28:20

Shades, I take my hat off to you. You are so strong, and so right too. Now is when the abuse stops once and for all. We are here for you.

Small steps lead to your goal; don't rush it, choose your own pace.

Keep calm, drink tea, eat biscuits. wink

Deep breaths and small steps.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 17:55:30

Well done - you WILL be fine and so will your child.

Like Jux says - baby steps - til you get where you are going

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 17:58:19

Was it one of olgaga's posts, Pilgit?

As you're already feeling overwhelmed and in danger of suffering from information overload, I don't believe it will be to your benefit to trawl through lots of additional data, much of which will not be relevant to your situation, at the present time.

From what you have said about your individual circumstances, it seems to me that you are best advised to seek accomodation for yourself and your dd in a women's refuge.

As I've said, making contact with your borough's police Domestic Violence Unit is, effectively, a shortcut to Women's Aid and other agencies that offer practical help, support and advice, to victims of dv such as yourself.

Alternatively, you can call the WA Helpline 24/7 or use the WA site to locate your nearest branch and make contact tomorrow during usual office hours.

Please don't be fearful at the prospect of staying in a women's refuge as they are far from being scary places; they're warm and welcoming and you will be given all the help you need to claim whatever benefits you are entitled to, legal advice from a solicitor who has experience in dv/family law, and support in finding a permanent secure home for yourself and dd - you won't be restricted to applying for council/social housing in the borough you are currently residing in and will be free to choose where you wish to settle with dd.

The advantage to you of staying in a refuge is that all the resources you need will be available on site - no trekking around council offices, CABs, solicitors etc, on public transport in the winter months - and, in the unlikely event he's able to track you down, he won't be able to breach refuge security.

You'll have your own secure sleeping accomodation and the use of communal areas where you'll inevitably become friends with other residents. Your dd will also be well catered for in terms of the playspace, toys, and facilities available for dc.

Many of the refuges I've visited have been positively luxurious - think small-to-middling size stately homes with long drives, pleasant grounds, etc - and all have been spotlessly clean with staff on hand to have a yarn with. I can think of a few I wouldn't mind checking into for a few days if only to save on heating bills smile

If you are married you may have some entitlement to remain in 'the marital home' despite not being named on the tenancy agreement but, all things considered, IMO you are best advised to seek refuge accomodation through the police or WA as it can be challenging in the extreme to have to deal with jumping through the flaming hoops of bureaucracy without support from friends/family at a time when you need all the help you can get to proccess the enormity of what he's done to you and the consequent situation you've found yourself in.

I strongly urge to take action asap as refuges are currently full to bursting and it may take a few days or longer before a place becomes available for you. This place may be many miles away but, as it appears you have no particular ties to the area you're living in, I doubt this will be an issue for you.

If he should come back and attempt to gain entry don't hesitate to call 999 and, when the police arrive, ask them to make a referral to their DV Unit so that you and dd can be taken to a place of safety, albeit this may be temporary until refuge accomodation becomes avalable for you.

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 19:40:24

Refuges are wonderful places these days, and far, far better than a soul-less B&B. Better too than a 'family home' which is in the area where you have little rl support and is the area where your abuser is.

Izzy is 100% right in her description of refuges, and also in her suggestiong that this may well prove to be the best solution for you and your dd.

Think about it carefully. You would be safe, supported, helped, and dd would have playmates. Above all, you would be free from the worry of whether your ex might turn up.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Jan-13 19:51:38

Reading and sending my very best wishes to you and your daughter x

popsgran Sun 20-Jan-13 20:01:34

so sorry for your physical and mental pain.You did the right thing.Nobody should be abused.protect yourself and your child.Be kind to yourself.The shock takes time to go.dont dwell on negative are a beautiful person who deserves to be cherished and loved.all blessings for the future.

mathanxiety Sun 20-Jan-13 22:24:11

Hang in there and just keep on putting one foot in front of the other even though you are shaking.

Thinking of you and your DD.

cestlavielife Sun 20-Jan-13 23:54:49

Most London boroughs have borough specific services like Camden safety net ask your police officer.

As was said above be on look out for apologies and persuasion on his part to g back... Don't.

Madlizzy Mon 21-Jan-13 00:15:27

Well done you. You've been immensely brave reporting him. Now take the time you need to sort your head out, cos it must be in pieces. Yo xxxu're extremely brave

sweetestB Mon 21-Jan-13 09:53:31

Hi OP, just want to send a hug and wish you strength. I don't want to hijack your thread but I would like to ask the lovely ladies here: if OP decides to go to a refugee will her child be going to the same school or to a school near the refugee? and will OP's permanent accommodation be chosen with her child's current school in mind?

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jan-13 16:37:20

How are you doing OP?

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