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I can't believe I've let this happen again I'm such an idiot.

(116 Posts)
sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 11:52:58

this was my original thread two weeks ago with the background info. But to sum it up I was in an on/off relationship for a few years. He was always breaking up over stupid reasons then getting back together. He broke my trust/let me down and treated me badly lots of times. Kept me hanging on for a commitment making promises. Broke up with me again just after new year.

I decided enough was enough and I was gong to cut contact which I did. He kept on texting and ringing, then when he couldn't get through to my mobile he started emailing and then on my work phone. I've completely ignored him for two weeks but he's kept on and on. He misses me, he's sorry, he's lonely, can't be without me. When that didn't work he started saying he had some bad news to tell me and I wouldn't be happy. Then it was he wanted to see ds (not his son but been there since baby), I won't break him and ds up, ds is as much his as mine. When that didn't work he started saying he was going to just come over.

I've lived with the blinds and curtains shut for the last two weeks, I'm not scared of him but he's likely to just drive over and felt spied on. When the door knocked I jumped out of my skin thinking he'd turned up. Obviously all the time I'm having to be strong as I still love him and miss him.

On Thursday it was starting to wear me down, then yesterday morning he was texting me as soon as I woke up asking if ds was off school, asked if he could come over and take us sledging. Kept saying he was sorry for being horrible and he wanted to sort things out for good. I cracked and said ok he could come over just to talk and take ds sledging. Turns out he wasn't even off work so he'd lied. Then he begged me to let him come over that night. I said ok and then he said the snow was too bad to get over and he couldn't get off his drive. This would have made sense had he not been to work plus the fact he got a 4x4 for this very reason. So I told him to just forget it, then he begged me to let him come over in the morning (today), said I was being childish and I'd never split him and ds up.

We ended up talking and he was saying how he's been so unhappy and fed up without me, he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me, how I'm gorgeous and funny and he'll never find anyone like me nor does he want to, how he knows he needs to sort himself out. He then said he never wanted to break up but I need to let him breathe and do his own thing. He said he wants all the things I want a stable relationship but he needs to be able to do his own thing. The way I feel about that is that we have lots of space to breathe and do our own thing. We were only together half the week if that as we live apart, we spent a week apart every 5 weeks when he was on call, he worked away often, I was rarely included in anyn of his family stuff, he only has the one friend but I've met him only once in 4 years and ex would go out every 2-3 weeks with him. I spent over a year not seeing him in the day at all on weekends while he did a load of work on his house, he goes skiing each year. He doesn't have any hobbies but if he did I would certainly never stand in his way. I just don't think I'm this clingy controlling person he makes me out to be, and if I ever have been a little it's probably because he broke my trust so many times. I just don't see what he's seeing, I loved spending time together but I like my space too I liked having a few nights a week to enjoy my own company.

Fast forward to this morning, he's asked can he come over to do the sledging, I said ok and then he changes his mind. Says I was right when I said if he loved me he'd leave me alone, I was right to ignore him, he's scared to come over as he'll be shouted at, he's feeling sorry for himself. Then says I must think he's happy but he's sad, all alone and scared. And asked me what would coming over achieve? I just don't know what's going on in his head I really don't.

If anyones still with me I know you're probably thinking what did I even see in him, but he can be such a nice guy. When we were actually in eachothers company we got on, liked the same things, both quiet, homely types. He was nice to me always complimenting me, he'd bring me a coffee in bed, he was close to my ds, I've even been away for the weekend and left him in charge with no worries. But he's also done some really horrible shit things which he almost didn't like to acknowledge he'd done, just expected me to shut up and move on.

Don't really even know what I'm looking for here just wish I understood what's going on in his head.

He sounds like a child in need of constant affection. I wouldn't even think about what is in his head. Change your phone number and tell him to leave you alone as he is harassing you.

Do not respond to him again. He sounds an utter wanker.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 19-Jan-13 11:57:56

Stop trying to understand what's going on in his head, and spend more time understanding what you need for your own happiness.

(hint: start with a life free of this man.)

Focus on yourself. You deserve it. Leave PatheticIssuesMan to his own issues; they are his not yours.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 11:59:35

It doesn't matter what is in his head.

What matters is that he is fucking with your head and if you continue to allow this in out in out situation more importantly your son's head.

What he knows is that if he keeps pestering you and pestering you then after 2 weeks of ignoring him you will give in. So next time he will just keep on and on for 2 weeks until he gives in.

If you can't get him blocked change your numbers.

Ask work to block his email address/number it unprofessional for him to be contacting you about relationships there and it is you that will end up looking bad not him.

If he was vile all the time you wouldn't stay with him hence the nice periods to keep you drawn in.

Send him one text tell him not to contact you again or you will go to the police for harrassment. Then never talk to him again.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 12:00:09

*until you give in not he

MushroomSoup Sat 19-Jan-13 12:00:54

So have you seen him?
What happened?

You know he isn't the right man for you- you know it.
Stop letting him pull your strings. He's interested only in keeping you dangling. Stop listening to his words and start listening to his actions.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:01:32

Thanks for reading all that, I did change my number well I chucked my sim as it was only a £9 a month contreact due to finish, but he started on my work mobile. He was sending me 4-6 texts a day, he sounded as though he genuinely wanted another chance and as soon as I said yes he backtracked.

It was hard for me to take a stand but I'd built up a barrier by ignoring him and felt stronger and now feel like I'm back to square one.

Doinmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:01:46

He is seriously fucked in the head and he is messing your head up too. You need to be strong, this is never going to work. Tell him to NEVER contact you again and if he does you will take it further(police?).

Sometimes when you say 'no' you don't really mean it and he knows this. Say NO and mean it.

If you continue contact then you only have yourself to blame in allowing him to treat you like this .

SueFawley Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:22

He's not a 'nice' guy.
If he cared about you he wouldn't keep messing you about.
Make a decision TODAY to not have any further contact with him.

Needsomeperspective2 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:40

I would block his numbers and change as many of your own as possible. Tell him one final time to leave you alone and if he persists after that then call the police as he would be harassing you. Dd he adopt your do? If not you don't have to let him see him. If you really truly think your DS would benefit from a continued relationship with this man, then I would suggest to him you set up formal contact arrangements and do it all without seeing him at drop off and pick ups.

All easier said than done but you have to stop this man in his tracks. Wat he says about never giving you up is scary to me, if you have this in email or text form I would keep and possibly consider sharing with police on 101 number.

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:41

He broke my trust/let me down and treated me badly lots of times

And you are giving head space to this self-entitled abusive twunt because...?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:49

" he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me, "

He's a stalker.... an obsessive. Doesn't want you really, just enjoys the hunting process. Doesn't take no for an answer, doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't even respect your wishes when it comes to your own child. That's a very nasty piece, very disturbing piece of work. Cut him off again and, next time he bombards you day and night, get straight onto the police and report him for harassment.

SueFawley Sat 19-Jan-13 12:05:13

As well as resolving not have any further contact with him, read your other thread again.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:06:47

No mushroom soup when I eventually agreed to see him he backed out!

I know what you are all saying I'll never understand him so stop trying.

I'm so fucking angry with myself.

Doinmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:07:57

You need to be angry at him. He will treat you badly as long as YOU LET HIM .

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Jan-13 12:10:11

What he wants is to have you give in, isn't it? He works at you again and again and the more you resist the harder he tries. The second you cave in he loses interest.

I wouldn't want anything more to do with him. Once you recognise the pattern, you can deal with it.

You may have to get an harassment order out on this bloke though. Answer the phone next time - tell him firmly that you want him to leave you alone. Record the conversation (can you do this on your phone?) If he contacts you again, write him a letter and send it by recorded delivery so that he has to sign for it. Reiterate that you want him to leave you alone. If he ignores that, go to the police.

Please, please don't cave in and agree to talk to him again.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 12:11:18

He just wanted to fuck with you.

He can't stand to think that you aren't ready to kill yourself over the loss of him.

He's got to be desperately wanted by you.

while you were ignoring him - you had the power.

He had to make you want him again - so he could crush you again.

He is trying to hurt you.

He doesn't care about you.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 19-Jan-13 12:15:01

I feel really sad that you've let yourself be played again. sad This will happen EVERY time you let him back in - and it makes you feel the stupidest person in the world. He needs to know that he can "have you" whenever he likes, which you've effectively shown him he can!

There are, what, 3 billion men on planet earth - don't you think there are some who are nice, loving, complimentary, etc - but without the headfuckery??
Sorry if this sounds harsh but the day you get some real self respect and tell yourself you are BETTER than this, will be the day you feel a big weight off your shoulders.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:17:01

Thank you to everyone, In know lots of you have already given me lots of good advice, I am listening, in part finding relationships has helped me to ignore him for the two weeks that I did, now I need to start again but make it for good.

But seeing it here in black and white that his behaviour is not right helps a lot.

He didn't adopt ds although that was another empty promise of his, he used to say 'when' we got married it would be nice for ds to change his name and I always said we'd both keep our own. As much as it sounds nice in theory for ds to see him I know for sure that would never ever work. He's not at all reliable he'd play dad until he met a new girlfriend then drop him.

thenightsky Sat 19-Jan-13 12:21:59

Oooh I feel cross for you OP. angry

He begs to come over and when you finally give in he suddenly has no interest in coming over and even has the gall to ask 'what would coming over achieve'... well you tell me matey!

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:25:37

Stuffez, no I don't think anyone's being harsh, just honest. If I was offering someone advice in my situation I'd say the same I'm sure.

It's hard for me to believe and accept that he's that nasty and manipulative because he acts so pathetic and soppy.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:28:21

thenightsky exactly? Friday night after I told him to forget it all he asked why I was being such a bitch to him and why I wasn't interested in sorting our problems out. He just kept saying we could go sledging and then we could get some food and talk once ds was in bed, he was painting a picture. He even said he'd just come over then completely backtracked.

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:05

angry for you. You're doing the right thing for both yourself and your ds. I got trapped with a man like this, many years ago. 7 years of my life wasted on him. Don't let it last that long. He's a complete tosspot.

I like the name PatheticIssuesMan. Think of him as PIM, that'll take him down a peg or two in your mind grin

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:09

He's got what he wanted though. That's the thing.

He didn't want to come over.

He just wanted you to want him to.

AnyFucker Sat 19-Jan-13 12:34:11

You are not back to square one, love

Just a minor setback

Tell him now to Fuck off and mean it

Re your son. He isn't his father so you do him no favours to keep this immature dickhead in his life

DIYapprentice Sat 19-Jan-13 12:34:25

That waste of space is trying to break you, sparkly. He is trying to twist it around, make you go begging to him to take you back, and to turn you into a complete and utter doormat.

Tell him not to contact you anymore. If he contacts you again you will view it as harassment, and will call the police. Tell your employers about him, and make sure he is blocked on their system if they can, or that they give you another number is possible.

Stay strong, we are all here to support you.

Schnarkle Sat 19-Jan-13 12:35:41

He didn't want to come over.

He just wanted you to want him to.

He's playing with you, you've become an amusing distraction for him.

TigerFeet Sat 19-Jan-13 12:37:17

Can you report him to the police for harrassing you OP? You don't want a relationship with him, tell him that straight and tell him to leave you alone or you will take it to the police.

I KNOW it isn't that simple but I think it needs to be done. He's messing with your head and unless you can get him off your back he'll continue to do so.

How old is your ds?

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Sat 19-Jan-13 12:41:07

The bit that sent shudders down my spine was, "he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me".

He's playing with you as if your were his toy, seeing you as his possession. You don't owe him anything.

You do owe yourself and DS space away from this headfuck.

TalkativeJim Sat 19-Jan-13 12:41:54

This is how your life will be until you drop this utter tosser.

And stop saying how good he is with your DS - as you say above, he'll piss him around in exactly the same way. If you want your DS to grow up with a fucked up view if what a 'father figure' is and see men as creatures not to be trusted who don't fully commit to families - just keep this loser in his life.

I do feel a bit sorry for him - creatures like this never change. He won't ever be capable of a proper relationship with you or anyone else - he simply doesn't know how. He can't love, he can only use and manipulate, because his overriding need is to make himself feel good - that he has someone pining over him, and that he's in control of that. That's the service you provide. He needs you there to use. You rejecting him makes him Feel All Bad and -oh no! - undesirable - cant have that!!! - so you need to be made to pine after him again. Sigh of relief, he can now get back to doing the rest of the stuff that makes him feel good and powerful - giving you the slight brush off, getting a bit of a kick out of keeping you hanging and pushing you away slightly.

...and that's this man's idea of the perfect relationship!!! Hurrah!

Stop contact, send a text from both phones saying you do not want him to contact you again and any further texts will be logged for harassment. Then go find yourself an adult and enjoy a real relationship. They feel much better!

Doinmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:42:08

What are you going to do Op?

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 12:50:23

Sometimes we just need a reminder of why we need to kick a guy to the kerb. This is a very effective one of those, I hope? Just see it as lesson learned.

You don't need to understand him - he is like an alien, but not the friendly kind, he's the 'we come to destroy you' kind.

I think you should block him/have him blocked on your work email, make sure his ways of contacting you are shut down. I don't think you should be hiding in your house either. You need to be able to live normally not shrinking behind closed curtains - you could put up a reflective film on your windows so no-one can see in, as one practical measure that you could forget about rather than sitting in a darkened room.

And be prepared to call in the cops - trying to force contact on you is harassment - you can make him stay away. Repeatedly phoning, emailing, texting, contacting you at work, driving by your house can all be considered stalking.

He's not a reasonable person, don't treat him like one.

Lueji Sat 19-Jan-13 12:50:23

But he's also done some really horrible shit things which he almost didn't like to acknowledge he'd done, just expected me to shut up and move on.

Keep this in mind and tell him to go.

In fact, tell him to stop contacting you. If he persists, tell him that any further communication will be considered as harassment and that you will contact the police.

He just doesn't want to be dumped.

Doinmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:51:01

If you stay with this man you are a WILLING participant in his games. You KNOW he will keep picking you up and dropping you. There is a thing called co-dependency,I wonder if you have fallen into this trap?

My friend is in a similar situation. He dumps her, week later they're back together. He lets her down, she forgives him. He starts a row and dumps her. He forgives her and they're back together. This has been going on for years. Another friend told her that she must like the situation as she keeps putting up with it.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 12:52:28

I'd agree with TalkativeJim. No matter how nice he is to your ds when he's around, the picking up and dropping of him, (which he does to you as well), is very bad for your ds and the long-term damage of that outweighs any laughs out sledging.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:53:33

Yes I like pathetcissuesman too.

Hecate that has to be right but to me that's just crazy.

I'm very reluctant to involve the police as I had to do that with my ex (different situation) but I'd be so embarrassed and it could also be awkward because of my job. But hopefully it won't come to that I'm not in any physical danger it's almost trivial really, texts, but they get in my head.

And I know that there's a new start and millions of other men out there. I think I'm a bit scared of meeting someone even worse, kept convincing myself, well at least he does this or that, at least he's not like this or that, could be a lot worse.

Won't be meeting anyone else for a long while anyway, I'm not bothered about being on my own, I just fell in love or I thought I did with this one.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 12:57:31

Maybe you could do some counselling or the Freedom programme (esp. if your previous relationship was abusive)? Try to sort out if your boundaries & expectations of relationships are set in a pattern and how to reset them?

Change your phone numbers again.

LilyontheLeaf Sat 19-Jan-13 13:00:44

Trust me my love, this is definitely not "trivial". All stalkers start out this way - then the behaviour escalates.

Without sounding melodramatic, every time a woman is killed by her stalker, you will generally hear the words "it started with lots of texts etc"

I'm not saying this to scare you, but this behaviour is not normal and needs nipping in the bud now. Threaten him with police action, and if contacts you again, get in touch with them.

They will be very low key about it - they will just go and speak to him and hopefully give him a "harassment notice". The notice basically tells him that if he contacts you again, he will be prosecuted.

Please protect yourself sad

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 13:03:27

Of course it is.

That's because you are a normal, rational, reasonable person.

But you cannot take someone who is none of those things and try to imagine that their thought processes and motivations are logical to you.

It doesn't work that way.

If he was a reasonable, good person - he wouldn't continually shit all over you in the first place!

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 13:03:31

Yes I said last night why don't you just leave me alone and he said he can't, then he said he'd try but he will find it too hard as he knows he can't not have me in his life.

What are you going to do Op?

I'm going to get back on the wagon. I was feeling a lot better but caved in, maybe all the snow we've been having sent me a bit doolally. I'm hoping now he'll just give in now he's got what he wanted.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 13:06:10

What he means is he rather enjoys keeping seeing if he can reel you back in.

At the very least, it must be a hell of an ego boost.

I can treat her like shit on my shoe and STILL keep her coming back...

You have to put him out of your life once and for all.

Doinmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:08:05

Stay strong. Think of your son, he really does not need such a destructive influence in his life. If he learns from this man then he may go on to treat women like it himself and that would be really sad.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 13:10:32

I doubt he will.

More likely he'll not like you backing off again, so will begin again.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 13:12:47

Maybe you could do some counselling or the Freedom programme (esp. if your previous relationship was abusive)? Try to sort out if your boundaries & expectations of relationships are set in a pattern and how to reset them?

Yes someone suggested the Freedom programme. To be honest, I'm confused, this relationship is nothing like my last. This ex is nothing whatsoever like my previous ex. I deliberately went for someone who I knew was completely different. My previous ex was the classic abuser, ticked every box.

This one was totally different, doesn't shout and swear or name call, doesn't hit, isn't controlling with money in fact the opposite, very generous, doesn't stop me doing what I want, in fact he'd be more likely to pack me off for a night out, look after ds, give me a lift and some money to go. That's why I liked him so much I thought I'd found a really good guy. They're both total liars though, and make promises they never keep. It's so confusing.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 13:16:26

sounds like he made you dependent on him.

some men like that.

AnyFucker Sat 19-Jan-13 13:16:55

Yes, he will start again

So use this little setback as a stern warning to yourself to not get sucked back in

and fgs, don't be manipulated into setting up some sort of "access" with him for your son

I get that he has been a "father figure" (albeit a shite one) but he is not his father

if this was an amicable split and he wasn't playing silly buggers, I am all for contact being kept up but no this man is not a good person for your son to be around. Full stop.

AnyFucker Sat 19-Jan-13 13:19:07

There are a variety of types of abusers, honey. They all have their own subtle little ways, but their behaviour patterns follow a general agenda. Control. They just use different techniques to achieve and then maintain it.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 13:20:10

But the hot and cold treatment - the breaches of trust - you've put up with an awful lot of mistreatment from this man.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 13:22:04

I agree, AF. The last thing the OPs child needs is THIS for a male role model!

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 13:25:09

Perhaps hecate, I do remember him once saying something to me like 'if it wasn't for me you wouldn't do anything', in terms of because he would do all of the long distance driving if we went anywhere. He did also do this thing of if he was supposed to be coming over, he might say he can't be bothered as he's tired. Then he'd say but in a sarcastic way 'why don't you come to me', knowing full well I couldn't as ds was in bed. Oh I don't know.

anyfucker yes I definitely have the sense to know trying to keep some kind of contact between him and ds going wouldn't work. Doesn't even bear thinking about.

fiventhree Sat 19-Jan-13 13:26:36

Yes, classic control tactics.

He did whatever it took to win you back, so he could feel better about himself. And then he needed to take charge of the situation and control the outcome. He probably feels that if you are upset enough he may want you back, and in his terms.

Even if he hasnt thought this through rationally, it is what he is doing.

Tell him to fuck off and thank him for teaching you about controlling arseholes.

piratecat Sat 19-Jan-13 13:32:31

would agree, you haven't totally fucked up here, it's part of a process. You did two weeks. You can do four, six etc...

You will get there, trust me, your heart really will start to take a back seat, things will get clearer, as you distance your heart from this. Every time he lets you down and messes up your head, will be a step further away. The process takes time, a setback maybe? Or another step in the right direction of realisation??

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 13:40:29

The stuff about not letting you split up him and your son is seriously scary.

This guy is bad news.

Stay the fuck away from him and start logging every unwelcome contact.

You might need a record of his behaviour.

ScrambledSmegs Sat 19-Jan-13 13:40:43

Can you explain to your work that that you're being harassed and need to change your number? Just one more small practical thing to put distance between you and this very odd understatement man.

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 13:42:19

One day at a time, op, one day at a time. You'll get there, don't worry.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 13:43:47

Thank you for all the replies it really does help and make sense.

Yes I will use it as a learning curve and a minor setback.

Someone asked how old ds is, he is 4, I haven't said anything to him, he's used to not seeing dp for a week sometimes so I don't think he's really noticed yet.

But the hot and cold treatment - the breaches of trust - you've put up with an awful lot of mistreatment from this man.

I know, I haven't wrote about half of the horrible things he's done and won't bore everyone as I don't think anyone needs convincing but it does kind of throw all the nice stuff out of the window. The nice stuff seems bigger somehow though as when in eachothers company he was generally nice, most of the nasty stuff has been arguements he's caused over text, things he's said in texts, letting me down, having online relationships, online dating, so it doesn't feel as 'real'.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 13:48:27

Maybe it would be a good exercise for you to write it down 'though, hmm?

A nice long list you can refer back to when a text comes through. It's too easy to minimise and avoid thinking about the bad stuff. It needs to be real for you.

nospace Sat 19-Jan-13 13:59:33

If you keep the no contact going he should eventually leave you alone/get bored/find someone's a blip not starting from scratch on your part, part of the process. my ex has played games a few times with me.he doesn't want me, just wanted to know, to boost his ego, that he still had some power over me.eventually,when he found someone new he wanted, he moved on.

delilahlilah Sat 19-Jan-13 14:17:22

He wants you to want him. It's a control thing. Like a child, that wants the toy that they can't have. Don't respond to him in any way, shape or form. Initially he will probably attempt more contact as he tries out all the ways he can think of to get a reaction. When he doesn't get one at all, it will where off.
I would carefully consider your DS spending any time with him, for your DS's sake. He doesn't sound like a role model that your DS needs. He's clearly not reliable or responsible.
You deserve far better than this. Being single is much better than a bad relationship, and you will feel better soon. If you feel yourself slipping and pitying him / wanting him think of all the shit things he did. Make a list, read it when you need confirmation that you are doing the right thing.
Good luck OP, hope he leaves you alone soon.

nospace Sat 19-Jan-13 14:31:34

If you find yourself weakening, keep remembering how you feel now -how you feel stupid that you have taken the bait again, how you feel you have done well as the days go by and then weakened, and are now beating yourself up about it.think about how empowering it feels when you continue no contact and feel you are getting back some power and control of your own life.

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 17:41:53

Keep reading the thread. That'll remind you of what a shit he is.
Imagine your ds' face when he realises that this Twunt isn't coming to his school play/afternoon toboganning/insert activity Twunt is bound to promise to do at some point but in the end won't.

Keep looking forward to that day when you and ds can't even remember what the hell the man looks like.

Ahhhcrap Sat 19-Jan-13 17:50:16

Making you coffee in bed or looking after your DC does not make him a good person.

He's still messing you around, by changing plans, even after begging to see you, us his way of trying to get back control.

You aren't back to square one OP, just a bit of a blip

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 19:05:20

Even dm, who is queen of sitting on the fence and trying to see the good in people said 'oh he's a piece of shit isn't he', I think he meant to say he's a piece of work but got her words mixed up because she was angry.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 19:11:05

Your mother is right. He is a piece of shit.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 19:11:20

Sounds like the correct form of words to me grin.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 19-Jan-13 19:15:13

Your mother speaks the truth.

ladyWordy Sat 19-Jan-13 19:38:42

Hi sparkly. I wondered if you'd get together with him again - he's very, very persistent, isn't he.

Despite all that 'nice' behaviour, he treats you abysmally: building up your hopes for holidays, rings etc and then casually dashing them. Just as he casually dashed the hopes of your child when you thought you were going sledging - twice.

He seems to lie constantly and carelessly, just for the sake of it. For example, telling you you don't eat meat when you do - what was the point? (on your other thread). Telling you he's off work when he's not. You can't trust a single word he says: he's compulsive in his lying.

And he manipulates you just for something to do, it seems. sad Please try to keep away, because every time you go back this misery will get worse. Don't be faked out by his nice behaviour either - who knows if he means it or not?

Quote for you: "We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning." ( .. Gavin de Becker)

And yes.. Your mum is right!

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 20:05:19

Thanks ladywordy, he is I mean I didn't speak for two weeks, chucked my sim card away, I did think I'd started to move on unfortunately he knows just how to press my buttons, think that's why dm was so shocked and angry.

The not eating meat thing, he says things like that all the time that leave me thinking 'did I really just have that conversation', perhaps he's actually trying to send me crazy! The classic one was when I invited him for burgers (when I don't eat meat) and he somehow managed to turn it into me not caring about him and not caring if he has an accident on the ice.

I'm laughing about it now but it's not really funny at all. Hopefully one day not to far away I will be able to sit and really laugh.

YourMam Sat 19-Jan-13 20:27:00

My sister had a similar situation with a guy like this who wouldn't take no for an answer. It is NOT A GOOD SIGN that you 'nearly jumped out of your skin' when you thought he was going to make contact. You are a bit afraid of him. That's not right. Ask yourself why. These constant texts and calls are not romantic they are threatening. He is not remotely respecting or listening to a word you are saying, just paying power games to get you back under his control. This is not the behaviour of a rational person. I would question what he was doing all those weekend day times you couldn't see him. I don't think anyone who really cared about you and your son would go on about 'needing space'. If your relationship was going anywhere you'd be seeing him more often than half the week. You'd be living together. Instead you keep trying to break up with him, then give in when he bombards and bullies you.
This is harassment. The police take this very seriously. My sister ended up having the police serve a harassment notice on her ex. All thus means is they tell him if he contacts you again they will arrest him. It turned out my sister's bloke was seeing at least one other person all the time (over a year) she was seeing him on and off and he was protesting his love for her. And he was being violent with the other girl. And he had a history if stalking/ violence it turned out when she went to the police.
Please shut this down. You know it's not right. You CAN do it, and think how much better you would feel to be truly free of him.

Twattergy Sat 19-Jan-13 20:28:57

Resume no contact and hold out...forever. No contact was the only was to get my ex off my case. He did eventually give up. I realised that any contact I gave him just created more confusion on his and my part. Silence was the most powerful and empowering thing I could enact. It feels weird because it doesn't feel like a proper 'end' but you will get used to it. He does not deserve contact with your ds, don't offer it to him, it's just another opportunity for him to blur the boundaries and take advantage.

YourMam Sat 19-Jan-13 20:31:34

Also, just like my sister, you're not telling us the 'terrible things' he has done. I think you're in denial and embarrassed about how much you've put up with.
It is not worth it putting up with this man for a quiet life. You need to get out and start again. All of this is NOT your fault. Anyone can get taken in by a charming con artist, it could happen to any one of us. The point is, you're starting to recognise a pattern. Please get out now before you are beaten down and your confidence is knocked any more. Honestly truly. This is not good for you or your DS.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 20:38:47

I agree with everyone else-this man is a stalker, and obsessive, probably a narcissistic personality. There is no way you can have the sort of relationship you want with a man like him(normal!).
Cut all contact, don't hesitate to get the police involved and tell your work that he is harassing you so they can take steps as well.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 20:40:22

Whilst reading your OP, I did wonder if he has a whole life you don't know about. It does happen..Be strong x

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 20:49:29

Thanks yourmam, he's never been violent.

The other sorts of things he's done are just typical things like the ones I've said here, lies and messing me around. For example I was pregnant and he wasn't happy at all, his dm and df were disgusted with him, his dm was ringing me saying he'll come round and how they'd been talking and he said he does really love me but he's scared, he did say he wanted it in the end but was still being flaky. I ended up having an abortion, my choice, but I could see there was a big chance I'd be on my own so I didn't want that. He told his family I'd had a miscarriage as he didn't want them to think he'd forced me. Things like he never tells his family we've split up, he likes to keep up a pretence that we're really happy.

Just stupid horrible things he says, like when he wanted me to have an abortion he said it was no big deal people do it all the time, I then said something about why doesn't he have the snip if he's so adamant he doesn't want kids and he said because he'd be scared to have an operation and wouldn't want an anesthetic as it's risky and you can die (his words). Yet he was quite happy for me to have one?

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 20:56:42

Velcro, it is 'possible' he could have another woman although I honestly don't think he has. He's from a very close, very nice family and they are fully aware of me and ds and fond of us. He has his own house but I would be there fairly reguarly. He's quite a messy person and ds bubble bath and all my toiletries are in exactly the same place every time we go there with a thick coat of dust gathering round them. He rarely even changes his sheets, if ds leaves a toy on the floor you go back and it hasn't moved an inch as he doesn't pick stuff up. He also leaves his phone around open, he's hardly got any numbers in his phone as he doesn't know many people. I just don't think he's got a secret life. He had talked to women online though but he hasn't even had access to a laptop or computer since he moved out of his parents.

But I completely see why someone would think that though.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 21:02:35

Ok, just wondered why he is so secretive. I have just nipped over to your first thread about this,sparkly and I was struck by what you said about the dreadful pain of separation. Can I recommend a book to you that really helped me(and no, I didn't write it!)
it is "How to Break your Addiction to a Person" by Howard M Halpern.
You deserve better.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 21:04:39

And , just thinking sparkly, that as DS gets older, if you continue in this cycle of chase and withdrawal, you will be modelling that to your DS as how relationships should be. I am certain you would not want that for him.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 21:05:18

Ye I mean it is possible I don't trust him, maybe I'm just in denial, couldn't even think about another woman on top of everything else.

I have have a google of that book thanks.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 21:18:38

He's just text to the house phone saying 'can't stop thinking about you it's driving me mad', can you actually believe it?

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 21:23:19

Yes. I can.
I knew he would.
Ignore him.
Don't reply.
Ideally, delete without reading!
Turn your mobile off.

No good will come from ANY RESPONSE from you.
He wants to continue torturing you.
Do not let him.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 21:23:46

It's all about what he wants, isn't it? His emotions.


HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 21:24:36

Oh, sorry. Text to your house phone.
Does that mean your landline?

Lueji Sat 19-Jan-13 21:26:39

Totally believable.
He has no shame and you're not under his control again.

I think turning the phone off is a good idea. At least you can have a rest tonight.

Even for work, perhaps turn it on at regular intervals to return any missed calls at least until he calms down.

Maybe you should tell his family that you have broken up. At least he won't have to pester you to keep the pretense. grin

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 21:28:57

Sparkly, prepare yourself that he will "up the ante" before he finally leaves you alone. The more you ignore him at first, the more desperate he will be to provoke a reaction. Turn your phone off, or delete his texts unread. Maybe even give your phone to a trusted friend to delete the texts for you. You need to be completely resolute in this.Please please be the woman who walks away from this toxic man with her head held high.

PickledApples Sat 19-Jan-13 21:32:17

Holy crap. Wake up and smell the impending restraining order!

Seriously, I am exhausted just reading this OP and your last thread's OP - for you and your DS's sake - keep this fickle, maudling man-child out of your life. Document all contact and report it to the police. Tell him to stop contacting you and delete all his contact details.

(will read rest of thread, no doubt moved on...)

Lueji Sat 19-Jan-13 21:52:27

I wouldn't recommend that you delete the texts until you are sure you don't need to make a complaint for harassment.
Or until the police have recorded them.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 21:53:51

Ah yes, lue. Of course. You're right.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 22:08:32

Yes he texts the landline, it doesn't come through as text but speaks to you. So it says 'voicetext from 07***', then a recorded womans voice reads the message. He does it all the time when he can't get through to the mobile.

I'm bloody exhausted too, haven't helped myself really though just can't believe after he didn't want to see me he's still on. Off to bed shortly, got such a headache.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 22:09:27

Put phone down when the voice reads out the number.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 22:10:53

And stop trying to understand him. Its only going to lead to you engaging with him. Why he does what he does is no longer your problem.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 22:12:43

Thanks all, you're all great at giving me a reality check.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 19-Jan-13 22:24:02

Gosh, just read this thread!

He is one fucked up little bunny.

It's all about the knowledge that, if he clicks, you'll come running, isn't it?

Please, please don't.

YourMam Sat 19-Jan-13 22:28:56

My sister's bloke never laid a finger on her - I guess what I'm trying to suggest us this stalky phone harassment behaviour is on a continuum that can sometimes lead to physical violence. My main point is - without any physical abuse - you've seen more than enough haven't you for this to be over? You can't trust him. You can't rely on him. He undermines. He blows hot and cold. He's driving you nuts and making you doubt yourself. The texts and emails flooding in to home and work are stalking and they are freaking you out. It's not good.
You have to look at how he behaves rather than listen to his words. People's actions are how you judge their characters, not what he says when he's trying to get in your good books. He cannot be relied on. He's no good.
It's really dodgy he lied about the abortion to his parents and never tells them when you split up. It's also really dodgy he has hardly any friends as you say. To me this paints a picture of a selfish untrustworthy person who doesn't care enough about other people to form any lasting, normal relationships.
No one here is saying 'Hang on to this bloke, he's a keeper!' You can get out. You are stronger than you think. If you need help, the police will take the texts and emails alone seriously. This is stalking and you don't have to stand for it. Don't let it wear you down. Stand up for yourself xx

LittleFrieda Sat 19-Jan-13 22:32:10

I think he was just trying to find out if you were with someone else; seeing if you'd moved on to another relationship. And as you said yes, he could come over, that afternoon, then that evening etc, he doesn't need to come and spray his territory. But expect him to try and do so at some point in the future, unless you are completely firm about it.

I don't think you should allow him to come to your place again. If you ever need to see him, meet him for coffee in town, during the day. And don't tell him what's going on in your life.

He sounds very odd and you deserve much much better.

irabelle Sat 19-Jan-13 22:44:50

OP I'm going through something similar to this myself at the moment - pattern of him talking the talk, but then showing by his actions that he doesn't want me and then disappearing - and then me, like an idiot, chasing after him to get him back. And on and on it goes.

But not any more.

What has really helped me to break the cycle is to ask myself if I want to still be feeling this way this time next year, for I know that if I get back with him nothing will change and I'll be feeling just as bad, probably worse. And on and on it will go.

Absolutely no contact is the only way we'll get them out of our heads. We can do much, much better.

ladyWordy Sun 20-Jan-13 00:37:16

No contact is the only way, because he's going to sweet talk/harass you until he pushes enough of your buttons to get a reaction.

It is like an addiction from your angle: many of us have been there and can understand that part of the problem. Is there anyone you can call on to distract you and keep you strong? Your mum, a friend? Because he's relentless, and shameless, and he thinks he will tire you into giving in. He has succeeded every time so far.

Don't let him win this time, sparkly. Talk to police if you feel threatened, of course: but if you just need some extra willpower, call your friends or come and post on here. You need all the support you can get.

No response. You can do this.

God he is horrible. He digs and digs and baits you into saying OK, then pulls back and says no. He's a complete twat and just looking to control you, when you say no it makes him crazy as you are in control and he can't have that can he?
Stop reacting and answering, ignore ignore ignore. It's the best way to get him to leave you alone eventually he'll get the message and move on.

sparklyjumper Sun 20-Jan-13 11:13:32

Sorry to hear you're going through similiar irabelle, it's a good idea thinking do you want to be like this this time next year. People say that to me often, unfortunately I seem to have this strange way of thinking where I focus on the good times and the good bits however hard I try not to. Although doesn't help because he's often used tactics like 'shall we book a holiday', 'can he be at ds birthday' things he knows I love and enjoy. I've also noticed when he makes contact he talks as though nothing has happened even though I'm not responding, so he'll ask if I'm watching some programme, and he'll call me 'babe' cringe. And says things like 'how can I lose my baby, I've been thinking about you everyday'.

Ladywordy I talk to my dm a lot, and dsis. It's times like this when I realise that my social life has taken a battering, I have loads of people around me, but not many who I'm close to. I've allowed myself to become quite isolated and I think it's because I've been putting most of my energy into this terrible relationship trying to make it work. My ex is also really, really shy an unsociable miserable bugger so it didn't help that anytime we went anywhere together he'd just stand/sit there and not speak and it would become embarrassingly uncomfortable, not blaming him though because he never stopped me doing what I wanted to do but I stopped bothering.

sparklyjumper Sun 20-Jan-13 11:20:23

My social life is something I'm trying to work on, I've got friends from my old and new work but a lot of them live far away and/or are tied up with thir own children and lives so we only tend to meet up sometimes with the kids.

A lot of my old school friends were still only interested in going out drinking all the time and that's not really me so we drifted apart.

I lost a couple of really lovely close long term friends because of my previous ex and I still miss them but there's no going back for various reasons.

But I'm starting to get quite friendly with a few of the mums from school now and some of my dsis friends have tried to get friendly with me but I haven't put the effort in as I was pre occupied.

Needsomeperspective2 Sun 20-Jan-13 11:47:16

Sparkly jumper I'm really worried about the way you're still referring to this man. In a post towards the bottom of page 3 you referred to him as 'dp' you've also talked in present tense about seeing him, when we go round rather than when we went round. And a couple of posts up from here you're still excusing his behaviour for when he would visit and be really unsociable.

I know you are really trying hard to end this relationship but I'm worried he will get back into your head again. Please, please start making a log of every contact he makes, even if you don't call the police today or tomorrow, I really think you will end up needing to soon.

Someone else mentioned the freedoms course, is this something you can investigate today/tomorrow? Take some positive steps towards your future, and stay safe x

sparklyjumper Sun 20-Jan-13 12:15:16

Oh gosh I don't know, perhaps I'm not taking it seriously enough. I'm kind of thinking it's only a few texts/emails/calls, he obviously doesn't really even want to see me so he'll drop it soon?

I had a look into the freedom programme last week when someone else suggested it, this was what I found, guessing this is the right thing? It looked as though you have to pay for it? Also I watched a sample video and it seemed to be all about husbands or live in partners who were financially controlling, verbally/physically abusive it didn't seem relevant for me?

dequoisagitil Sun 20-Jan-13 13:47:11

But this guy is, imo, an emotional abuser (and stalker).

Also, besides this guy, you have had a previous abusive relationship, so it might help if you did some resetting of your boundaries and expectations of relationships in general.

You've put up with a whole heap of crap from this man that you don't even dare list for us, you see.

Improving your social circle is a good step, but I really do think you need to shore up your boundaries significantly. So you do not slide back into thinking it's just a few emails etc or looking back with rose-tinted glasses, which you admit you have a tendency to do.

That's why I suggested you write down for yourself all the incidents so it's there in black and white to shock you. It's also why I think doing something like the Freedom Programme or counselling would be a good move. I don't think know whether the course is free or not, it may have concessions if it isn't, it wouldn't hurt to find out more about it, surely? And wouldn't breaking free of this cycle be a worthwhile investment in yourself (and for your dc)?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 20-Jan-13 13:55:47

Keep working on your social life!

his behaviour is what has made you cut friends. I remember doing exactly the same thing. I remember thinking that my friends were all becoming hard work and that we were all growing apart.

It was only after I ditched the husband did I realise that his little comments and moods were what made the friendships hard work. they thrived after he went and I still hold dear to them today.

ladyWordy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:14:41

Sparkly, he does control, manipulate and lie compulsively: and you jumped out of your skin when someone knocked on the door, felt spied on, etc. So although you say you aren't scared, you aren't calmly going about your business either.

He isn't a common or garden abuser, trapping you at home and berating you. No: he is abusing your mind, your time, your health and your love. He's lying to you for kicks, manipulating you to pass the time, and apparently drifting through his own life, not caring who he upsets.

Do you think this rings any bells:

"social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret."

It's a description of a psychopath. It's the word that pops up when I read your posts. sad

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 14:35:37

I had a friend with a wonderful bf. when they got married she found that every time she went out without him - particularly up to London (20 min train journey) - he would be almost hysterical with worry when she got home. She had lived and worked in the centre of town for years, knew how to keep safe. Inmthe end though,mhis worry for her safety in London led to her no longer going there, gave up her well-paid-with-fantastic-prospects job too, so she could take a job as a lowly paid secretary in the suburbs where her h didn't worry about her. Stopped seeing her friends because we all lived and worked in central London etc.

At not time was she 'stopped' from doing any of it. He just became so 'worried' about her that she didn't feel it was worth it.

Your ex is used the same tactics with you. Made life so uncomfortable for you that you stopped seeing people.

Abuse abuse abuse.

He is your ex. You want him to stay that way. Really you do.

And yes, he is that bad.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 20-Jan-13 14:52:19

If not the freedom programme, you need some other form of therapy or counselling. Because at some point you became convinced that you are nothing without a man in your life, that any kind of man is better than no man at all, and that it's worth putting up with all kinds of shit in order to Keep Your Man. This is all nonsense and you need to get rid of these ideas, otherwise you will go from one dickhead to another. Women who have had one abusive partner often go on to another abuser, but a different type of abuser (eg first one was violent or sexually coercive, so the next one will be controlling or financially abusive, and the one after that persistently unfaithful or unreliable...) Abusive men have a radar for women who are needy and desperate and vulnerable. Your boundaries are badly damaged and you need to rebuild them. The first thing to do is send this wanker an email as follows.

The relationship is over. Do not contact me or attempt to contact me again. Any further attempts at contact will be reported to the police and legal action may be taken against you.

If you have any possessions of his, add the following - your [whatever] will be posted to you/available for collection outside my front door [suggest date/time].

sparklyjumper Mon 21-Jan-13 10:38:49

I don't consciously think 'I'm nothing without a man', I mean if I was looking at someone else in my situation I'd have been screaming at them to leave a long time ago. I don't think there's anything wrong with being single, although I do realise there must be things going on subconsciously to allow all of this to have gone on when I didn't need to. I'm quite angry with myself today, I wish and I know I should have ended it a long, long time ago. I don't know I think perhaps I've also used this sham of a relationship as a smokescreen so that I didn't have to face up to all that happened with my previous ex.

Being totally honest with myself here, there are certain places I would avoid going in case I bumped into my previous ex which unfortunately include my town centre, but felt safe doing so with him. In some ways I may have been hiding behind the relationship and that's why I've been so desperate to 'make it work'. I'm also scared of him meeting someone else, I'm pretty sure he'll soon just pick up with the next mug who will have him and take great pleasure finding a way to rub my nose in it.

I'm still going through stages of feeling really free and relieved one minute, but then sad and angry the next.

I haven't heard anything since so hoping he's give up, although dm reckons he won't have, she thinks he's trying to get me to agree to a relationship on his terms and that's what the games are about, so I'll get so desperate for something I'll agree to 'lay off him' which would mean he would probably see me when it suits him i.e probably every couple of weeks when he's bored, be free to cancel plans at the last minute, make me so glad just to have him back I won't even mention the commitment word, but he'll have someone to sleep with and go on holiday with when it suits.

Wish I'd known about MN when I first met him there were so many red flags.

dequoisagitil Mon 21-Jan-13 10:56:42

You sound stronger and more objective, well done. smile

Listen to your mum!

And when he does pick up the next mug, don't be sorry - it'll be her misfortune and you're making good your escape! He's a bullet to be dodged.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Mon 21-Jan-13 18:11:32

Now you are starting to understand why you have reacted to this shitbag the way you did, it will become easier to despise him for the inadequate knobber he actually is. You'll get there, Sparkly!

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 10:44:06

A bit more has gone on since this but ugh, he really is a vile man, he has put the blame for absolutely everything on my shoulders, and while I know I shouldn't listen, it's a big load to carry, I take things to heart and to be told you're this, you're that, even though you know point blank it's not true, it's not nice, like he just wants to smash me to pieces for good measure.

I'm trying to build myself up to go to the GP and ask for some counselling/therapy. I'm just sort of muddling through still, a lot of feelings about my ex that I've never dealt with are coming to the surface and bad memories coming back. I keep having a recurring dream that I'm having an affair with my ex behind his girlfriends back and it feels horrible when I wake up.

DM keeps saying I don't need counselling I just need to keep away from 'the evil little git', but I don't think she udnerstand the load I'm carrying around, I can actually feel the tension in my shoulders.

Has anyone got any positive experiences of counselling/therapy? I think I'm a bit ashamed to speak to the GP about my mental health, and also would find it difficult to talk to a stranger about such personal experiences. But my biggest concerns is that my parenting would come into question, I have no problems at all with my parenting, ds is happy, healthy and well behaved and I know that I am able to meet his needs. But I do know that sometimes agencies share information and because of the agency that I work for this could be extremely unpleasant for me. Think doctors receptionist seeing the GP at the surgery they work for (I'm not a doctors receptionist).

Moanranger Mon 28-Jan-13 15:26:19

Therapy is great, I am a huge fan of it and it has helped me enormously, so yes, I have positive experiences of it. You don't need 20 years of psychotherapy, either, just maybe half a dozen sessions to give you skills to address anxiety/self-esteem.

Do not worry about other's finding out. Medical profession ( including receptionists, even if agency) have to treat all knowledge as confidential. Re parenting, when I went to my GP with depression my parenting was never discussed - no reason to. No reason in your case.

Your ex-P has a personality disorder. Stop trying to figure him out. You cannot do it. He does not act rationally, and I think you assume he does.

Cut * out * of * life*. End of.

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 16:55:33

Thanks Moonranger, every week I say I'll go to GP then put it off, although been having a bit more of a look at NHS website and seems a lot of GPs have in surgery counsellors now and that it's becoming more common not just for severe mental health problems.

You're right about me trying to figure him out all the time. I've always done it, and yes there is a bit of me that does think he must act rationally, and that it's me who's going mad.

He will completely let rip at me, tell me all my faults, everything that's wrong with me, that it must be because of my childhood, or my ex that I'm like this. He even told me that I was a bully and that I was 'getting violent on the phone' I wasn't, and have never been violent, or made threats or anything to suggest that, I was simply trying to defend myself against his accusations. Such as, he doesn't like being asked to do things around the house and just wants to be left alone if he's feeling lazy, to which I pointed out that I rarely ask him to do anything at all, to which he tells me I'm getting violent now?? Then after he's ripped me apart he'll soften and say he can see he needs to sort his head out and he's probably just destined to be alone forever. When he called me a bully I said that if he truly believes I'm a bully and violent why would he even speak to me, and he then says because he does love me really but I need to make big changes.

When I say can we just agree to never speak to eachother again he won't respond, but then responds later to say he's 'fed up'. So there's never an end. And I do realise I'm not being firm or upfront enough but that's because despite me being a bully I actually hate being nasty or having any kind of confrontation.

Even though I know really there's just no point trying to get inside his head, I'm hoping some counselling will help me find ways to stop trying to understand all the time, and also help me deal with the demons from the past so I can happily move forward instead of shuffling through.

Just need to be brave enough to go for it now.

emilysheart Mon 28-Jan-13 21:57:34

had to reply as this just reminds me so much of me and my ex. 3years of being dangled on a piece of string its on making plans doing things together with ds who is 3and he is great with him then its off he needs space shuts me out and starts wondering if its what he wants. i have realised now that the whole thing has been some weird push pull type game and maybe has to do with control. whenever we split up i would try to work it out and remember the good times he would pull away more and stop contact then after a few days of not hearing from me he would find excuses to come round- he's got me a new stereo, cheap tobacco its our friends birthday shall we go?and i always gave in until the last time he was verbally abusive to me text to apologise and can he come round to see me and ds. i said no lets leave it thankfully he has that was 2weeks ago and im staying strong i don't need the headfuck anymore even though im still sad that we couldn't make it work crazy or what

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 22:19:11

Maybe they are the same person Emilysheart! I hope you manage to stay strong. I know I absolutely have to now for my health and for ds. Funny enough it was 'for ds' in part that I so wanted it to work. I can see now that's a skewed view.

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 28-Jan-13 22:32:09

He's a first rate prick. You dont need him messing with your head any more. Tell him to do one and mean it!

emilysheart Mon 28-Jan-13 22:41:25

that thought did occur to me sparkly yours sounds worse tbh at least mine has left me alone doubt i would have been as strong as you were under such pressure. was still toying with the idea of letting him see ds and us staying friends as we were before the relationship games began and they do have a strong bond. like you i am finding it hard to forget the good times he could be so lovely at times but then feel like an idiot for falling for all the false promises. its tough i swing from thinking he has abused me to maybe we just wanted different things?

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