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Quick Q ... is this appropriate?

(63 Posts)
SoupOfTheNight Sat 19-Jan-13 10:16:31

DH takes kids to school.

Makes coversation with a mum there.

Adds her on facebook.

Talks to her all times of night.

Never mentions her to me, I have no idea who she is.

Massive long, personal conversations and talk of the snowball fight they all had.

DH moans to her about his legs aching after work out, she says Ask '(DW - me)' to rub them for you. (with daft embarresed face after)

I go to bed last night, hes drinking, sends message to her at 11:30pm to start up conversation.

This is all through private messages, not on wall.

Appropriate?

Nope. Sorry.

TrippleBerryFairy Sat 19-Jan-13 10:18:40

No

elizadofuckall Sat 19-Jan-13 10:18:51

Nope! And i would be telling him so right now!!!

LIZS Sat 19-Jan-13 10:18:51

er no

SoupOfTheNight Sat 19-Jan-13 10:19:20

He says it is,

am going to show him reactions on here.

AngryTrees Sat 19-Jan-13 10:19:48

No. Not at all. I would say it's the beginning of something, they seem to be getting closer and sneaking off to have exciting chats at night in secret. Definitely something that needs discussing.

TrippleBerryFairy Sat 19-Jan-13 10:20:51

Is he generally a bit immature and disrespectul to you? Is he SAHD?

thixotropic Sat 19-Jan-13 10:21:07

No

elizadofuckall Sat 19-Jan-13 10:21:23

Really Mr Soupofthenight?

So then you will be okay with Mrs Soupofthenight doing the same with one of the dads from school?

Get a grip man..what are you? 12?

SoupOfTheNight Sat 19-Jan-13 10:22:09

He said he would be fine with it.

MrsBucketxx Sat 19-Jan-13 10:22:52

If he is not hiding it or being sneeky no.

Dh has a female freind who texts at odd times, but I know its ok nothing to worry about. We have met etc.

Looks like he is being sneeky though.

elizadofuckall Sat 19-Jan-13 10:23:15

Cool...off you go then love...sounds like he is giving you the nod to 'do your own thing'...So go test the theory smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jan-13 10:25:54

It's not appropriate at all... he's making a complete fool of himself. How many male friends does he text last thing at night after you're in bed?

StuffezLaBouche Sat 19-Jan-13 10:26:13

No, it's not ok...not sure many people would be comfortable with this actually hmm

Anniegetyourgun Sat 19-Jan-13 10:26:26

He says it's appropriate, he says he would be fine with it... well he would, wouldn't he?

eliza , I like both your name and your style.

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 10:26:27

Not appropriate. I'm sure he knows that really. He's just got into a flirtation and he likes it and wants to protect his 'right' to have it.

Disrespectful of him to think nothing of how it's making you feel.

EvenBetter Sat 19-Jan-13 10:28:46

I'd find an emotional affair inappropriate and grounds for him to move in with one of his mates for a wee while to mature a bit and consider his marriage vows. Long, personal conversations with another woman is disrespectful to you and not a great sign for the marriage or his opinion of his wife IMO. If he finds nothing wrong with it he's telling you he will continue and probably won't even bother hiding it.

Sugarice Sat 19-Jan-13 10:29:06

It is completely inappropriate!

I would be livid if dh did this, you need to rein this in.

tribpot Sat 19-Jan-13 10:32:17

But as you would never mention this school dad you were chatting to, how would he know to be fine with it?

I have a massive long chat convos with some of my (male) friends - partly that's just maths, most of my close friends are male because I work in a very male industry. My DH doesn't know all of them personally, he's heard all their names mentioned and the conversations are not typically personal - chit chat, work chat, gossip, how do you do [x] in a computer game our dc are both playing. When I do do 'personal' chat it tends to be because the other party is having a relationship problem - I do tell DH about these.

If he does all the school runs logically he will develop a network of friends and contacts as a result - that's how it goes. Some will be closer than others, ditto. But is his network really made up of one person?

chubbymomie2012 Sat 19-Jan-13 10:33:21

Really not appropriate and maybe I'm a massive cynic but if this is what u know about what is he hiding. I'd be annoyed he's making a fool of me in front of other parents ESP I they see this blossoming friendship. Lastly. I'd be mighty pissed at this doll who he's messaging she is as much to blame, unless he's stalking her and she is trying to politely put him off. Hmm either way not appropriate.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jan-13 10:37:17

I bet all the other people at the school gates are laughing at you behind your back. "Poor old SoupOfTheNight being married to a lecherous old tomcat like that... "

elizadofuckall Sat 19-Jan-13 10:38:49

Also, what could possibly be the context of the 'embarrassed face' after saying get your DW to massage your legs?

That doesnt make sense in the context of a friendship..if i were suggesting my friend get a leg rub from her DH i wouldnt add an embarrassed face!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jan-13 10:42:29

I know the context... The 'friend', realising he's stepping over the mark with the 'will you rub my legs' (oo-eerrr missus!!) comment is saying 'you have a DW for that ...' I also have a (mildly lecherous) old friend who occasionally texts something that's a bit risque and that's the kind of thing I like to remind him.

elizadofuckall Sat 19-Jan-13 10:43:44

Exactly cogito.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jan-13 10:47:08

And my mildly lecherous old friend is almost certainly having an EA with me. The fact that it isn't reciprocated is rather by the by....

OP... how about taking your kids to school yourself for a while. Meet this woman and get chatting smile

SoupOfTheNight Sat 19-Jan-13 11:07:04

he didn't say will you rub my legs though.

Anyways hes changed his password on facebook now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jan-13 11:13:56

Still make your presence felt at the school gates and tell him to stop being an idiot as well... It's all a bit of fun at your expense for both of them at the moment. A dose of reality is long overdue.

Samu2 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:17:12

He's either having an affair or in the early stages of starting one. Physical or not, he is playing a dangerous game.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 11:24:27

Changed his password? So now made it even more of a secret what they chat about.

Not a good sign...

ResolutelyCheeky Sat 19-Jan-13 11:28:38

I agree with cogito I have been in exact same situation with a good friend's h. I constantly reminded him he had a wife and had to cut all contact in the end. (it ended very badly)
Your h is embarrassing himself and disrespecting you.
Idiot! (him, not you)

TurquoiseCat Sat 19-Jan-13 11:40:25

It doesn't matter whether your DH thinks this behaviour is appropriate, it only matters whether you think it's appropriate. If you don't, then it will affect your relationship with him.

Your DH is minimising this behaviour and is now hiding it from you. He is being a cunt.

Blatherskite Sat 19-Jan-13 11:42:01

He's changed his password!!

I'd be packing his bags and changing the locks if DH behaved like that towards me

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 11:45:57

I not sorry to say all this fuck bollocks FB stuff is double dutch to me but, when saying he's changed his password on that site, I'm presuming you mean he's changed it to one you can't possibly guess rather than one that may be common knowledge to you/the dc?

If this is the case, I understand there is something (a keyboard stroke detector? comes to mind) that can be done to discover this type of info and I suggest you ask the sleuths on the geek stuff board for help to enable you to demolish his 'wall'.

As contact info has been exchanged between the potentially massaging messaging pair, there doesn't seem much point in shutting the stable door, so to speak, but nevetheless I'd be swanning around school premises in the early a.m, or when the school day ends, in something more akin to power dressing than pyjamas and an overcoat and I'd make a point of peering down my nose at conversing with the equally eager texter and helpfully recommending hemorrhoid cream a remedy for the bags under her eyes caused by late nights slaving over a hot keypad.

Don't worry about not knowing her her from adam as your dc will no doubt point her out to you as the evil ice queen, if not as one of the 'snowball ladies'.

I wonder where her oh is while she's indulging in her late night hobby? If she doesn't have one, I suggest you be afraid, be very afraid take steps to apply a blowtorch to his balls get their communications consigned to the ice house pronto.

DuchessFanny Sat 19-Jan-13 11:52:47

I think the 'friend' of his also needs a word. Perhaps you can politely ( or not ) ask if she thinks it's appropriate to be messaging another woman's husband at all times of day and night ?!
And I'm afraid your DH sounds pretty smitten with her, if my husband would rather piss me off and disrespect me than stop his 'friendship' with another parent from the school gates, he'd be sleeping somewhere other than my bed !
And no he wouldn't be ok if it was the other way round !

I'd be livid.

ResolutelyCheeky Sat 19-Jan-13 11:59:40

Oh my long answer disappeared.

Wait until he is out.
Press 'forgotten password'.
Intercept email.
Check his messages, don't forget 'archivedmessages ' etc
Get your facts straight before saying anything to ow. She may be just a bit too polite to tell him to fo one.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:22

It's perfectly acceptable.

...if you are single.

He has the choice.

Does he take you for a complete fool?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 19-Jan-13 12:04:37

It's not appropriate. It's an emotional affair: he's spending time and emotionally intimate moments with another woman, that he should be spending on you.

The book recommended here in such situations is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

tribpot Sat 19-Jan-13 12:15:25

So despite maintaining that there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about his contact with the other person, he has re-passworded his Facebook account.

Being charitable to him, and given we don't know how you came to know the content of their conversations, this could be a protest at the invasion of his privacy. But given he is failing to acknowledge that you could have any concerns about this contact, even if your concerns turned out not to have foundation, this action simply makes him look guilty as charged.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 19-Jan-13 12:18:14

Read this link:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

He is crossing so many lines here and is well on the slippery slope into an affair...

fiventhree Sat 19-Jan-13 12:24:30

Agree with Madabout, as usual.

It isnt what her intentions are, but his. And they are not good, whether he has acknowledged that to himself or not.

ItsAFuckingVase Sat 19-Jan-13 12:56:54

I'm not sure I agree with everybody.

I don't really see that a friendship is inappropriate, unless they have an ulterior motive. I have a friend that I text late at night and share personal things with. Granted, my DH knows, but doesn't know the details of what we talk about or when we talk unless I mention it in passing as they don't know one another.

I've nothing to hide at all, btw, but if anybody at all suggested they'd been reading my private messages I'd change my password too.

elizadofuckall Sat 19-Jan-13 13:01:40

OP I cant decide whether you think that this is a joke or that you aren't bothered..or that you are worn down and used to this behaviour.

Either way, the choice is yours, HOWEVER if my husband changed his password after being confronted with talking to another woman, i would be less than pleased and would not dismiss it.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 13:12:04

It's inappropriate, as is his reaction, and changing the password. Can you discuss it calmly with him, that whether or not he thinks it is ok, you don't, and therefore out of respect and love for you, please desist.
Perhaps I missed something but did you find out because you were worried and looked, or is he brazenly texting away in bed with you?
I speak from experience. STBXH used to check his emails on his phone early every morning right next to me. None so blind....

DizzyHoneyBee Sat 19-Jan-13 13:40:43

No, completely inappropriate. Sorry.

AlwaysDreaming Sat 19-Jan-13 14:43:24

Op read up on how affairs start . From his reaction and the way he has minimized your feelings it sounds to me that he is already in the affair fog .

If he thinks its appropriate why has he felt the need to communicate with her in secret ? I would take a very hard line on this , right now , before it gets to the point he announces that he loves you but isnt in love with you and needs some space , ie , hes moving in with her .

Is this woman single Op ?

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 14:45:56

Alternatively, you can save time and energy by taking the easiest option which is pack a bag for him and tell him to go play with his snow balls on her doorstep while you consult a solicitor with a view to divorcing the deceitful twat.

atacareercrossroads Sat 19-Jan-13 14:48:05

Not appropriate. Sorry op sad

FreudianLisp Sat 19-Jan-13 14:54:55

It might be dodgy or it might not, depending on the individuals involved. My husband's best friend is female. Sometimes they text each other late at night. He'd hate it if I started pestering him to tell me what was in their messages. But I absolutely 100% trust both of them, so it's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 15:34:11

Have you met your dh's best friend, Lisp? Was he friends with her before you married?

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:52

The changing of the password says he's up to something. If he's not, why can't he be open about FB?

It's crossed a line, because he's putting a lot of emotional energy into this 'friendship', presumably while you're twiddling your thumbs beside him.

There's nothing wrong with making friends with someone. There's something wrong when it becomes as intense as this.

FreudianLisp Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:11

Izzy, yes I've met her lots of times. And yes, they were friends long before I met DH.

BlameItOnTheBogey Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:55

See it is fine to make friends with another woman and add her as a Facebook friend. Where it becomes dodgy is not to mention her to you and then to be messaging her at antisocial hours. And the password changing aint great either.

He is saying, she is more important than you.

I wouldn't find that acceptable.

noblegiraffe Sat 19-Jan-13 16:24:58

Not appropriate. While I have a male friend that I have chatted to online, sometimes late at night, I was always open with my DH about it, talked about him like a normal friend and when we meet, he comes to my house, chats to DH, plays with my DS, then we might go out for lunch on our own.
It's the secrecy that's the problem, not necessarily the friendship. Although from what you say it also sounds too flirty.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 16:39:08

My XH started out in exactly this way , Facebook flirting with his mates wife behind my back and behind his mates back.

We divorced in November after he walked out in April right out of the blue.

He is still at it behind his mates back.

If your H has changed his password then he is hiding something.

quoteunquote Sat 19-Jan-13 17:08:28

My Husband has lots of female friends he chats to, as do I male friends,

I expected when I started to read, to say don't be silly people can be friends, then you said,

Never mentions her to me, I have no idea who she is

I would be very worried, he is not stupid so that was deliberate act to conceal, because he knows what he feels is inappropriate.

I bet when you go up to her and ask,

"What is your interest in my husband?", you will clearly see in her facial reactions, that she is also aware that it is inappropriate.

OhToBeCleo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:12:41

I would start by telling DH that new friends are great. "Invite her around on Friday night for a drink so we can all be friends." Then watch closely how he reacts.....

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 20:54:16

How's it going OP? Hope you're ok.

Slippersox Sun 20-Jan-13 07:38:29

Had a restless night thinking of you OP.3 years ago my DH went through what I will now generously call his mid life crisis ie.behaved like a total shit towards me by becoming way too close to an OW from work.Not FB but way too much texting and cosy little lunchtime chats.
Key issues were- he kept it secret.I had heard of her in passing but then he'd stopped mentioning her completely.Why?Because he knew it was wrong,was enjoying the flirting and flattery and wanted it to continue.Was deleting all his texts daily- not that I would ever of dreamed of checking his phone.OWs husband looked at hers and alerted me.She had previous form.Lovely lady.
Upshot was we nearly split.Had been going on for months.We fought hard and stayed together.He had a LOT of hard work to prove he was remorseful and it was worth investing the rest of my life in a relationship with him.He is still proving that to me today because although I have forgiven I will never forget.
You have every right to be angry and upset.Its wrong.Its in the affair zone.
My DH cut contact with OW immediately.I told her to back off and never to text / contact my DH again. Fortunately his work was flexible and it was possible to do that.Likewise even if your DH takes kids to school it's not essential he has this contact with this woman I would guess?
I would second the recommendations for the Shirley Glass book Not Just Friends, but it's your DH who needs it tbh and needs a massive wake-up call to see this is disrespectful and hurtful to you.All the best sorting this out.

SoupOfTheNight Sun 20-Jan-13 11:55:04

Thankyou, its been a bloody long day and night.

He insists he just wanted someone to talk to, hes deleted his facebook page completely and says he wont talk to her again. He still maintains there was no ill intention on his part, he just got along with her, but its left a bitter taste and I don't really want to deal with him at the moment.

Horrid experience for you.

I hope he doesn't just try and continue via text etc. That will tell you a lot.

It sounds like you've got your point across to him really clearly though, so well done.

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