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what to make of this text on DH's phone?

(140 Posts)
grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:39:55

Together 23 years, married 12, never a hint of DH having an affair, in fact his Dad had several affairs and he has always been repulsed by them.

He got a new iphone and I was fiddling with it while he was in the shower midweek, was being nosey as I don't have an iphone. I found this text from 'Emma' saying

"Yes, Tuesday night would be great, after work and don't ply meet with drinks this time as I have an early start! smily face icon'

He was going to London, staying with his sister as he often for work. I saw the texts to his sister confirming he was staying there eg: her texts to him and vice versa.

So I asked him what he was doing after his meetings on Tues, was he having dinner with his sister and he said no he was meeting 'Dave & John' (people I know).

Anyway he did not stay in London Tues in the end as he had to be back here for a meeting. I checked his phone and the Emma text has been deleted and I don't know how to look for deleted texts on an iphone, so I did not see any reply to her text.

I have been though his Linked In profile and cannot see any 'Emma' and been though his phone and I know 95% of those on it and those who are work realted. I called this 'Emma' and it went to voicemail with no idication of who she is or where she works.

What the fuck is this?

brainonastick Fri 18-Jan-13 20:41:17

If it looks like a fish, and smells like a fish...


don't know but the fact that he's never mentioned her if he's seen her before plus deleted the message doesn't sound good does it sad

Porkster Fri 18-Jan-13 20:43:19

Sorry to say - I'd be highly suspicious.

MikeOxardInTheSnow Fri 18-Jan-13 20:43:55

Ask him.

MamaGeekChic Fri 18-Jan-13 20:44:11

looks like the kind of thing I may send a work friend (male or female) if meeting them for drinks... kisses/winks would make it slightly more concerning.

Middy86 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:44:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaGeekChic Fri 18-Jan-13 20:45:15

just noticed that it was deleted- more suspicious now!

clutching at straws but could it just be an overly flirtatious work aquaintance maybe someone on here knows how to look at phone history?

Flojobunny Fri 18-Jan-13 20:46:32

If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat...

TippiShagpile Fri 18-Jan-13 20:47:45

Sounds like the start of an affair ime

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:49:20

I know it's bad, he is out tonight (I know where he is as I dropped him off, his friend just got divorced and he is out with him and a few other boys, I saw them in the pub).

My question is, shall I text him now and ask him about it? I say this as I don't want face to face confrontation (esp in from the the children) and he can't drive home as he will be over the limit right now and is staying the night. I just want to know, one way or the other.

Good idea or shit idea?

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:50:22

There are only 3 blokes in his business, so no women colleagues to flirt with.

If my heart is about to be broken I want to know now and not let him see my reaction.

Personally I don't think you can do this by text, but not actually got a clue how to handle it sorry sad

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:52:13

Am sitting here drining to numb myself and I hope you are all being honest not MN judgey judgey iykwim - so fucking floored by this can't think straight

MikeOxardInTheSnow Fri 18-Jan-13 20:53:08

Shit idea. Its easy to lie by text. Anyway you need to have a proper conversation about this. He owes you an explantion, if nothing else, at least for lying and saying he was going out with the two blokes when you knoe he was planning to go out with Emma.

I think I would try to get more evidence if available incase he denies it; can you access the records of who he has phoned?

TippiShagpile Fri 18-Jan-13 20:54:08

No. Don't text him tonight. Leave it until tomorrow.
I so hope I'm wrong. It might just be the start of something and a quick chat with him will nip it in the bud. That's my experience and it all worked out ok.
Good luck. smile

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:54:57

But if I text he will know that I know, even if he does come back with some shite

sasamaxx Fri 18-Jan-13 20:55:45

oh no you must be sick with worry sad I don't know what to.suggest I really don't.
I couldn't wait either - think I would have to text him

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:56:45

It was a brand new phone he's only had 4 days, so no history, his Blackberry has gone to one of those phones for cash things and SIM cards are different for both

PaperLantern Fri 18-Jan-13 20:57:16

If your can find has a contact history or activity log It will show when messages have been sent and received even if It doesn't show the contents

spatchcock Fri 18-Jan-13 20:57:40

Don't text him. Wait till tomorrow when you're both sober. Ask him face to face, without any preamble, to gauge his reaction.

I'm not surprised you're unable to think straight. I'd be exactly the same. Put down the bottle and head to bed early.

AppearingDignified Fri 18-Jan-13 20:58:17

Would a strategy of "I met a man last week who i really fancied and he asked me to meet him for a drink and I'm tempted" work. See what that discussion starts? Or you could just LTB.

birdofthenorth Fri 18-Jan-13 20:58:47

If it were me I'd want to see his reaction to the question for myself, so if it's massive panic you know something is up. Texting really leaves him off the hook and gives him total freedom to bullshit.

Hope it's nothing and innocent. The lying abut his plans and the deletion are a bit shifty, though.

Sorry hmm

Can you think of any pretext to ask Dave&John if they had plans to meet up? Can't imagine how awful you must feel and I just hope for you that it isn't any more than a bit of flirting

BillyBollyDandy Fri 18-Jan-13 20:59:25

No no no no - don't text. You need to see his face when you ask him.

No one is judging, why would we? You haven't done anything!

MikeOxardInTheSnow Fri 18-Jan-13 21:00:57

If you need answers now, ring him and ask him to come home by taxi, or go and meet him at the pub. You need to talk to him. Don't let him sit there with a text and think of a good explanation, put him on the spot.

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 18-Jan-13 21:01:43

I wouldn't say anything via text and especially giving him time to think of an excuse.

Can you get hold of his phone and swap her number for yours and then text him as "Emma"?

It may differ from mobile provider to provider but on my network you can log in online and check what numbers have been dialled for how long and when... but I'm guessing you can't access this?

StrawberryMojito Fri 18-Jan-13 21:02:18

Definitely don't ask by text, you need to see his immediate response.

Try not to torture yourself in the mean time, it may well be innocent. I hope so.

Corygal Fri 18-Jan-13 21:02:18

If it's a brand new phone it could be a message sent by mistake from a stranger. Sound unlikely? I got one today.

In the past I've had sexts from strangers as well, which my younger brother found - oh how we laffed - well, he did. I was furious.

CabbageLeaves Fri 18-Jan-13 21:02:22

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you get some answers soon

izzyishappilybusy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:02:45

Ok just to say - specially as he came home and also that he doesn't seem to be disappearing hiding his phone etc.I am a mare for sending texts etc to wrong people on my smart phone I am useless with it.

Also on the iPhone - arent all the texts grouped together so you'd have seen his reply

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 21:03:25

I suppose it depends if you want the truth or not.

If what you actually want is for him to be able to lie, so you don't have to face up to this (and I am not judging you if this is the case! It would be very human to want to make this go away) then texting him basically gives him the heads up and time to make up a pile of shit.

if, otoh, you want the truth, then springing it on him, face to face, with her number to wave at him and telling him that you are going to call her right now - will be more likely to give you the truth.

I am really sorry that this has happened.

It may be innocent. But it really doesn't seem like it.

Bluelights - I like your style!

Sugarice Fri 18-Jan-13 21:04:13

No don't text.

Gather your strength and wait if you can til the dc's are out of the way to ask him if you are unable to contain yourself.

Matildaduck Fri 18-Jan-13 21:04:58

I'd be ringing emma again. Can you ring her again? I think its fishy, can you get him watched.

If you ask him he'll cover it up.

EnjoyResponsibly Fri 18-Jan-13 21:05:18

Blimey Bluelights I was just about to suggest the same!!!

StrawberryMojito Fri 18-Jan-13 21:06:20

Izzy makes a good point. Surely on the iPhone you were able to see the whole conversation? Did he reply?

Samu2 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:06:27

I would probably be looking for more evidence, using keyloggers etc etc to get more evidence.. that if he is having an affair of course.

If you confront him now he could just cover his tracks better. I know it is hard, but that is how I think I would handle it, and pretty much what the Marriage builders team suggests.

The Marriage builders website has some great advice. I would definitely have a read over there before making a decision about what to do next.

It might seem overkill for one text but it is a very suspicious text and I would want to explore more.

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:06:53

I am not drunk, just needed some Dutch courage. I have just texted him, asking him a few questions. I had to do it, could not get to sleep otherwise. I will be able to tell from his face tomorrow, I have know him since I was 17 and am now 42. The text will give him a heads up.

It was not a mistake text, her number is in his contacts and it's the same number he's had for 15 years.

I have the her number, but won't use it.

hpsaucy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:07:11

Ring Emma again, then text dh and tell him what you just did. Then wait for the response.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Fri 18-Jan-13 21:08:50


The bit that stands out for me is the this time she said in her text. Implies they've gone out together before.

When was the last time he went to London? Can you remember any changes in him then?

Definitely wait until tomorrow to raise it with him. Can you access his emails?

I don't have a iphone but presumably if messages were all being deleted the conversation wouldn't show up?

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:09:23

I saw her text before he did and when I had the chance to look again much later in the day, the text had been deleted so I have no idea if or what he texted back

I feel pathetic

StrawberryMojito Fri 18-Jan-13 21:10:48

You're not pathetic.

NomadsLand Fri 18-Jan-13 21:11:36

The text is not so bad in and of itself. It could be that he knew he wasn't going to meet this Emma after all so he didn't lie to you when he told you his plans were to meet Dave and John.
There were no kisses or anything untoward really. People delete texts all the time.
I suggest you ask him about it tomorrow and see his reaction. If he's innocent, then you'll know it and he'll explain it away really easily.
Some people write really stupid things on texts and they aren't appreciated by the recipient. She could be one of those. I always think texts come out worse than they are meant to be - specially if they are read out of context.
Hope it works out.
I'd be tempted to text him though. I'm too impulsive though and wouldn't be able to wait.

You are not pathetic; have you got anyone close who can come round?

Jbck Fri 18-Jan-13 21:12:27

I think it must be a mistake too, you would have seen his initial text suggesting Tuesday etc first in the chain.
Presume if he deleted it you don't have her number or did you keep it when you rang?
I would google the number too, if its a work phone you may find it as a company contact online.
Don't text though, do it face to face in the cold light of day.

Bigwuss Fri 18-Jan-13 21:13:29

So, I send my male colleagues messages like that and go out with them drinking BUT I don't hide meeting up with them from DH. He has met most of them too. Not sure I would show him a message like that as I wouldn't think it was anything special. The hiding it from you is an issue.
I hope it all works out

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:14:11

That is another thing, I know his email password and I have looked at his email, well his gmail and nothing, I can't access his work account emails. There is one Emma on his LInked In but she's an older 50 plus woman he worked with years ago and I seriously doubt it's her!!

FellatioNels0n Fri 18-Jan-13 21:16:05

I know it's too late now but it's a very bad idea to confront him by text. It gives him thinking time and you cannot see his face to gauge his reaction to being questioned.

Jbck Fri 18-Jan-13 21:16:18

It might be the same Emma as his contacts just that she sent her text to the wrong person. Hope it's all innocent.

MikeOxardInTheSnow Fri 18-Jan-13 21:16:27

What did you ask him by text?

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:17:52

I'd Googled the number, it's a mobile and nothing came up. Plus he never deletes anything, his gmail is nearly full, his Blackberry had texts at least a year old, not in his normal nature to delete and be tidy

He has been wierd of late, he was in Florence for work for 4 days in Jan and hard to get hold of or did not reply to a couple of my texts

Anyway I've texted him, lets wait and see. Thanks ladies, really helps to be able to talk

hpsaucy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:18:17

has he replied to your text?

Ameybee Fri 18-Jan-13 21:19:42

Hope he replies soon, awful waiting. Good luck OP, really hope its innocent x

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 21:20:14

Do you think that on some level you actually want to give him the opportunity to make up some lies that will convince you? Because you don't want to face the possibility he's shagging someone?

Again - not condemning you for that! It would be natural and understandable.

I just think that it is important that you understand why you are making the choices you are making (eg to give him the 'heads up' and therefore a chance to think about what he's going to tell you ) and what you hope the outcome will be.

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:21:02

My text said, "So I have a few questions....Who is Emma? Why was she texting you about Tuesday evening? Why did she say about the drinks? Why did you delete the text? Why did you say you were going out with Dave & John?

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Fri 18-Jan-13 21:21:55

Also, don't most smartphones have a message notification/symbol at the top of the screen? For unread messages? And if you read it before he did, surely he would notice the message had been opened and read?

If so, he'll know someone read it first. Or am I over-thinking this?

Aspiemum2 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:24:12

Oh dear, it doesn't sound great really. You've been together a long time for him to have a friend he's never even mentioned in passing.
I hope there's a reasonable explanation for this but here for hand holding either way

austenozzy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:25:10

I've got two numbers in my phone for an old mate, one old and one new. I've mistakenly sent text messages to the old one and got replies from the new owner of that number asking who the hell I am. Very common as old numbers are recycled. I hope it's something like that. Best of luck.

takeaway2 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:25:49

I'm so sorry you came across that but could it at all be innocent? In that there was no xxx or any of those sort of 'cant wait to see you again darling...' 'Counting the minutes..' Type of text?

It could v well be that he had met up with her before, they (in a group) had too much to drink... So in that message,, she's just making reference to the previous event.

Eg. Say I drive James to a meeting. We get lost. The next time we have to go to a meeting, in a text message, I might say 'lets hope we don't get it all wrong tomorrow!' And it could mean a million things, but to James it would just mean not getting lost!

Fwiw, I did go to a meeting with a James yesterday and we did get lost... grin

Does that help? At all?

Sugarice Fri 18-Jan-13 21:28:12

You're not pathetic.

He's a twat just for the texting.

VitoCorleone Fri 18-Jan-13 21:28:47

Did he reply to your texts?

I dont blame you for texting, i think id do the same, i couldnt sit there all night waiting til he got home to ask.

MikeOxardInTheSnow Fri 18-Jan-13 21:28:55

Good questions. I hope he answers them all. He should be on the phone any moment with a good explanation, apology and be on his way home to reassure you in person, I really hope.

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 18-Jan-13 21:31:14

You don't have to shag someone to go for a drink with them!

It could be very early stages although not a good sign if he hasn't called straight after receiving the text and then comes back with my battery died or I didn't get the text till xxx.

Stay strong grants x

fackinell Fri 18-Jan-13 21:31:48

A friend of mine was in a similar position and (on my suggestion) text the woman from her own phone pretending to be her DP (phone being repaired, this is my new no for now) and through conversation got all the answers she wanted. May be a long shot but I'd blimmin well do it!!

takeaway2 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:32:17

I also have a German friend. I don't really know v well but we get on. His English is pretty spot on but he comes up with the strangest phrases.

Eg I helped him out on something pretty important. He writes in an email..'you are gorgeous!' Erm. I deleted it. I don't know if I've deleted the entire thread actually so if someone looks into my email acc they might see that rogue comment and think a million things.

I'm 99.99% sure he meant it as a 'you're awesome thanks for helping me' manner rather than a 'you're gorgeous, beautiful I want to shag you' manner.....

My point being .. People can misunderstand a whole load of things....... Good luck with his reply...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 18-Jan-13 21:34:20

Blimey OP sad

Those are good questions.

Combined with he has been weird of late it doesn't look great.

Matildaduck Fri 18-Jan-13 21:35:51

I like facks suggestion.

chocolateistheenemy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:36:01

I'm suspicious about the "ply me with drinks" comment above all. As though there is an ulterior motive. I take it he's never mentioned the name Emma? I feel rotten for you. I hope you've had a reply by now...

BouncyPenguin Fri 18-Jan-13 21:38:10

The fact that he deleted the text might suggest that he didn't want you to read it. The text itself doesn't sound like something sent during an affair. If I was to hazard a guess I would say it's someone he works with who he is socialising with (possibly at the same time as his other work friends). I could believe it may be innocent. But I would want to know why he deleted the message. Did he delete it because he didn't want you to know he was meeting a female friend? Did he delete it because there is more going on? I socialise with male colleagues. I guess I may send them a text along those lines. I am not having an affair with them nor have I any wish to do so. Like someone else said, texts can sound different when read out of context. You know your husband. Do you think he is having a flirtation and wanting to be secretive? I had a situation faguely similar with my husband a few years ago. It turned out that I had jumped to conclusions and put 2 and 2 together and got 5. It's laughable now. Maybe this is the case with your husband. Don't torture yourself. Get it sorted straight away. Then you can go from there.

grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:49:11

His reply:

"Yes I am moving in with her next week. Don't be stupid, she is one of the buyers from * she knows * (male friend I do know but have never met, but not Dave or John) too, we were all going out and the last time we were all out we got drunk. Love you silly X"

So I have text back - why did you not/never had mentioned her before? What is her surname? How do you know her? Why is she listed as just Helen in your phone? Why did you not say that you have got drunk with her and others before and lied about what you were doing on Tuesday.

I have googled her from her name 'Emma' (obviously not her real name) and she does come up as the buyer for * Plus ther is a picture and she's blonde and very pretty, scandanavian looking.


grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:50:31

And if it were me and I knew the man I was meeting as part of a group later was married I would not send them a text like this? What does it say about their closeness?

NomadsLand Fri 18-Jan-13 21:53:01

Sounds innocent to me. If he was seriously trying to hide things, he'd have phoned.

Jbck Fri 18-Jan-13 21:54:49

I think you have nothing to worry about, and she didnt think or had no reason not to text what she did.
Typical man who tells you half a story or none at all sometimes whether is important or not.
I think you can sleep easy.

NomadsLand Fri 18-Jan-13 21:55:04

People send texts like that all the time. My DH gets emails from women on the village hall committee with kisses on the end. They are in their 70's but hey, don't want to be ageist!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 18-Jan-13 21:58:17

Arrgh indeed.

I'm not entirely sure what to think after that, BUT I don't like that he has called you an idiot twice in that text.

No, 'I'm sorry I didn't mention her and therefore it has worried you', or in fact any kind of serious response.

He has laughed it off and called you a fool. Hmm.

I'm on the fence. Be wary.

takeaway2 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:58:18

I wouldn't worry. It really sounds v innocent.

inhibernation Fri 18-Jan-13 21:58:51

I also hope you get some (true) answers soon. Personally, I'd never give a man a chance to concoct some excuses as the man I'd been with for 20 years lied brazenly to me - body language didn't let him down. But I'm no fool - things didn't add up. I eventually for the evidence I needed.

inhibernation Fri 18-Jan-13 21:59:44

got not for

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 18-Jan-13 22:01:08

Sounds fine to me. Bit sus that he didn't mention her but the text wouldn't have been so dodgy sounding to you if he had told you about the drunk group it night.

He is making you feel insecure by not telling you the full story.

BouncyPenguin Fri 18-Jan-13 22:01:20

I have to say grants...his text sounds genuine to me. I think he loves you.

ledkr Fri 18-Jan-13 22:02:46

I think my dh would come home if he thought I was worried about something like that. He'd want to sort it out and wouldn't want me worrying. I think hmm

hestonbloomingdale Fri 18-Jan-13 22:03:36

I am going to give you a guys view on this. Its either harmless flirting or the start of something but its more than you have been told. Either way you need to stop right now texting him. You have given him the heads up that you are onto him. Best advice I can give you is to play it down and watch quietly and/or you lay down the law about what will happen if he is ever unfaithful.

If she is actually called helen you might want to delete your last post (and this one!)

MikeOxardInTheSnow Fri 18-Jan-13 22:06:25

I agree with ledkr. Odd, to say the least, that he is so unconcerned about you obvious distress and worry.

pipsytwos Fri 18-Jan-13 22:12:12

and why was the text deleted?

izzyishappilybusy Fri 18-Jan-13 22:15:04

I delete texts all the time because I get so many I think it's nothing and even if it is text war when he is out drinking isn't the way forward.

BouncyPenguin Fri 18-Jan-13 22:15:40

It doesn't surprise me that he comes across unconcerned. Men are always misreading the importance of things and responding in inappropriate ways. He would just rather send a text or two and carry on drinking with his friends and deal with stress from the Mrs later. Well at least that's what my man would do. Annoying.

izzyishappilybusy Fri 18-Jan-13 22:15:48

And I wouldn't dash home because DH misinterpreted a text - and I love him to bits.

I am not sure if there is anything in this text or not. Maybe not. But you need to be 100% sure in yourself. Stop texting him, speak to him in person. That is the only way you will know.

There are a few reasons why the text got deleted. He has gone from a bberry to an iphone. totally different types of phone. I know when I changed I did all sorts of weird things just getting used to iphone. And sometimes men only tell half a story because to them the 'details' are not important. Not all men are serial shaggers and not all men are bastards.

Follow your gut instinct. Its usually always right.

Samu2 Fri 18-Jan-13 22:29:25

This is why I suggested waiting and looking around for anything else suspicious first.

You got the text back but it means nothing does it? You are still suspicious and he has had time to make up a story and cover his tracks, so you will always probably be wondering.

Hopefully it is totally innocent but sending a text hasn't really solved your fears.

VitoCorleone Fri 18-Jan-13 22:31:15

To be honest, it does sound innocent.

LifeMovesOn Fri 18-Jan-13 23:28:18

She doesn't live in Barnstaple in Devon by any chance......she sounds like my ex's ex-mistressshock that trollop was a buyer.

Speak to him face to face - by now he will be either laughing about it with the boys as he's innocent (which is what we hope for) or making his excuses ready.

cerealqueen Fri 18-Jan-13 23:38:55

It could all be very innocent, I agree. She 'Emma: might be joking in her text as she is a tea totaller or she got herself very drunk and embarrassed herself last time they had work drinks.

I think you have to have a face to face conversation. Just like you can't interpret her text, you can't take his at face value either.

CabbageLeaves Fri 18-Jan-13 23:48:23

I delete texts all the time. It always amuses me that people regard this as fishy.

That response sounds fine to me. I'd probably want to talk face to face about trust etc with him. It's not nice to be questioned nor to be betrayed

Ahhhcrap Fri 18-Jan-13 23:50:54

If it was just the message it might be purely innocent.

However YOU know your DH better than anyone , and the deletion if he doesn't normally delete would set off the alarm bells.

Did you say she signed off the text as Enma, but was Helen in his address book? That would be a major red flag for me! My DH had the OW listed under a diff name in his phone

Looksgoodingravy Sat 19-Jan-13 00:34:15

I understand why you feel the way you do. Lots of little things don't add up.

He's suddenly deleting texts, or rather her text.

He didn't mention 'Emma' was also coming along for drinks.

He's never mentioned her.

You have to ask yourself why would he not tell you? If you hadn't seen her text you would never have known.

There is something to add in his favour though. Surely if there was something going on between them he would have still met her.

Not sure what to think really. I would have waited though and had it out face to face and judged his reaction.

See I think the deleting texts thing is a red herring.

My DH doesn't delete his texts - until he gets a shiny NEW phone - oooooh!.

Then he 'housekeeps' it like the Queen's cleaner for a couple of weeks, deleting texts, sorting his contacts so that every single box has the required information in, in a set format etc etc.

Then the novelty wears off, his inbox fills up alarmingly and his contacts go back to being first name and number only, with the address box crying out for some data input.

The deleting could be something as simple as new IPhone JOY! It could be a New Years Resolution which will probably end next week to not fill his message box to the brim.

His text sounds ok to me too. Speak to him when he gets home, and then you should know. But on the evidence that he deleted texts on a NEW phone? Iffy. Had it been his old phone then that would have been a change in behaviour - but with a new fandangly one he's going to be using it differently until it becomes his old and boring one. In a couple of weeks.

LovesGSD Sat 19-Jan-13 08:46:44

What did he say when he got home? I hope all is oksmile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 09:06:18

I really think you should have done this face to face to see his instant reaction. Bit late now though obviously.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 19-Jan-13 09:06:54

The fact that his behaviour has recently changed is a huge red flag.

The other stuff could be innocent but not the behaviour.

Unfortunately he knows you are onto him so I would keep quiet and watch him carefully - remember that its actions not words you should be looking at.

LovesGSD Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:20

Do you have a jealous side? Maybe he never mentioned Emma/Helen as it wasn't worth the hassle he'd get.

I delete my texts all the time, doesn't mean I'm up to something tho I do have a password on my phone so no-one would read then anyway smile

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 09:53:11

You have to trust your gut. it is ALWAYS right. Keep on the lookout, especially if his behavior has changed towards you and if he keeps his phone glued to his side at all times. Those are the giveaway signs.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 09:55:28

I would ask him grants1000. You will know from his reaction whether you have anything to worry about. He may be naive about this woman's intentions. Interesting that you checked his texts though. Makes me wonder if there is already a small nagging worry in your mind.

headlesslambrini Sat 19-Jan-13 10:04:20

I don't think that there is anything to worry about unless he has been acting differently as well. You need to have a face to face conversation with him and above all remain calm.

Could you text Emma "Hi its X (dh), new phone playng up so this is my new number" and let her think your phone is his phone?

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 10:16:06

Ok, so I missed three pages here, sorry grants100.
For me, I would not be reassured.
Men who cheat often get caught by their phones.
You are clearly a little worried anyway or you would not have looked at his messages in the first place.
His reply means nothing-and if this is a man whose father cheated, so is aware of the fallout, I would have expected that he would not have been so dismissive of you.
You can get software to monitor his messages, although I like fackinell's suggestion-wish I'd thought of that!
I think all you can do now is collect as much evidence as you can. Trust your instincts. madgered and others are spot on.
Oh, and if he now puts a pin number on his phone-that's very damning, unless he does it and gives you the number before you ask. Even then, check it in a week or so in case he has changed it.
Remember that if he thinks you are on to him, he will now cover up so you have lost the element of surprise but if he is starting an affair, he will be careless.
Private investigators say that when a wife instructs them because she is worried, she is nearly always right!

ThreadPirateFanjoBeard Sat 19-Jan-13 10:19:58

Sorry but the 4day trip to Florence when he was hard to get hold of would ring alarm bells for me if he's usually easy to contact on trips. If 'Emma' is a buyer would he have been there too? I think you need to play a waiting game now, OP. unfortunately IF (and it is if) something is about to happen or is going on, he'll be much more careful about covering his tracks.

I hope it's is innocent, OP.

ThreadPirateFanjoBeard Sat 19-Jan-13 10:20:40

she not he!

SundaeGirl Sat 19-Jan-13 10:43:13

Is he back, OP?

How are you getting on OP? How did you feel aout his reply - reassured or suspicious?

Casserole Sat 19-Jan-13 10:52:25

Hope you're ok this morning OP

Tryharder Sat 19-Jan-13 11:12:38

I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. The original text itself sounds flirty/ jokey but not sexual or OW-ish. And his explanation is reasonable and makes sense.

No need for him to have mentioned her. I travel for work now and then and will meet up with colleagues in the evening. I rarely talk about people at work to my DH, I wouldn't assume he would be interested by what they did or said.

something2say Sat 19-Jan-13 11:25:49

I had a text from a man I play guitar with and he finished by saying I will miss you..... My bf could have been upset by that..... I also don't always mention men I work with, sometimes I do but not always.... I wouldn't worry too much op x

Aspiemum2 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:41:40

How are you today OP?

Pan Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:51

I'd be unsure either way. Lots of arguments both ways. But, I'd have thought if a partner of mine was sooo worried to send texts like those to me, and there was nothing in it, I'd be on the phone calling them immediately to stop them worrying and stewing all night. With bags and bags of reassurances and openness. Not keen on the idea of slighting your concerns, and being called 'silly'.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 14:27:40

I think there's cause for concern here too, but as another poster suggested, I don't think you want to confront it really otherwise you would have had the conversation face to face. Texting about this gave him the breathing space to cook up an explanation, but in its own way his reply was quite revealing. He mocked your concerns, whereas someone who cared about your feelings would have understood why it looked suspicious.

This reminded me of a thread I saw recently from a poster whose husband had left for an OW. There was a backstory that others seemed to know about so I namechecked her. Her 'suspicions' thread from months earlier was quite sad to read. Lots of posters were saying it was innocent and they greatly outweighed the few sages who were urging her to trust her instincts......then she got a terrible shock months later sad.

sarahseashell Sat 19-Jan-13 19:30:10

I'd be very suspicious about this OP, especially the fact he hadn't mentioned her going and the other friend you've never met. Any chance you can get dave & john to confirm it (unsuspiciously of course)

trust your instincts. I agree that by doing it over text you've missed the opportunity to read body language. With my exh it was the look on his face which told me sad

I don't like the fact he's made out you're silly etc. What did he say about it today, if anything?

sasamaxx Sat 19-Jan-13 22:18:00

and developments OP?
what is he saying about it today?
are you ok?

SorryMyLollipop Sun 20-Jan-13 09:12:16

OP - did you gets response to your second message? Hope all ok

grants1000 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:37:58

Yes all fine thanks, to answer, we went out on Sunday evening for a drink to discuss it all, he said he deleted it as he thought it was inappropriate, he had arranged to go out with Dave & John but not her directly, John had invited her as they work for the same company. He does see her in a business sense as she is a buyer and DH has things she wants to buy/suppliers he is an agent for/contacts withing the industry (in the simplist sense), so he has her number and could not remember her surname as it is a weird Austrian spelling. Dave phone me on Sunday evening to explain (I have known dave for 15 years and am good mates with his wife who I also spoke to and she would not BS me in any way). He said they had met socially once before and got drunk in a group. She is now in his phone as Emma (insert name of company she works for her). He was very cross and also very apologetic and said if he had found a text like that on my phone he would have felt the same way as I had. I do trust him 23 years we have been together and this is the first time I have every had a worry about him, which is a good track record imho. She was not in Florence as it was a menswear trade show and she does other stuff that is indirectly linked. He went on to send about 4 other texts that night and we discussed each one when we went out on Sunday. She is on his Linked In but so are many other women who work in the same area. I am glad I texted and as I explained to him, I texted because if it was true I did not want him to see my hurst and devastation on my face. I know when he is out doing business/work/travel etc there are women (as there are men for me) but this text was just one step over the line which he agreed.

Hope that explains it!

Aspiemum2 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:44:22

I'm so pleased that you have got it sorted, I can't imagine the things that were going through your head and how upset you must have been,
I should caution that I am utterly gullible (which is why I always seem to fall for the less than honest threads sad) but I seriously doubt that 2 people that are friends with you would agree to lie for him.

How do you feel now? Is this resolved for you or do you have any residual concerns?

What was he cross about?

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 02:11:30

Hope that explains it!

It might explain it to you, honey, but the fact that he got one of his longstanding friends or colleagues and his dw, to call with corroboration of his account only serves to convince me there may be considerably more to this than he wants you to know about.

As for you knowing the dw in question 'would not bullshit you', her immediate loyalty is to her dh who may have persuaded her that your dh made a mistake he deeply regrets and, as he has no intention of continuing to err, it would no serve useful purpose for you to know about it as it would only cause unnecesssary pain and heartache to all concerned, could possibly cause a long and good marriage to end over one indiscretion, think of the dc, blah de blah.

If I were you, I'd arrange to meet up alone with this 'good mate' asap and I'd be telling her how immensely relieved I was that, contrary to my ridiculous suspicions, nothing untoward had occurred and I'd blame myself for doubting his fidelity and wax lyrical about his wonderful qualities while closely, but covertly, watching every expression that crosses her face and, even if she passes the test with flying colours, I'd still be keeping a close eye on my dh for the foreseeable future.

But in these matters I am most probably more cynical less easy to convince than most.

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 04:08:18

On a point of clarification, I am 'izzyizin' and I have not used the nickname 'izzyishappilybusy' at any time past or present.

rumbelina Tue 22-Jan-13 06:42:25

All sounds perfectly plausible to me. I had a text from a colleague once that wad phrased in such a way that I wouldn't have wanted my dp to see and I deleted it even though there was nothing sinister going on. These things happen.

CabbageLeaves Tue 22-Jan-13 06:51:01

All sounds very plausible to me too. Distrust can be terrible for both in a marriage. I'd never suggest blind trust but I'd also suggest not trusting is quite insulting if someone doesn't deserve it. Worth you both spending time to discuss further unless you can feel very reassured.

Concentrateonthegood Tue 22-Jan-13 07:11:39

This is plausible to me to. I had an email exchange with a male colleague recently and I can assure, there is no attraction between us. It was a similar thing. We are having a team day, he suggested drinks after and the email chain was similar to your text OP. if you've no other concerns, put this behind you and enjoy the rest of your life. smile

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-Jan-13 09:25:08

It is possible that his story is true but the fact that he got an old friend to corroborate this has set off an alarm bell - smacks of playground tactics and he is putting a lot of thought and effort into this covering his tracks when it is all about a supposedly unimportant text.

What was his explanation for not being contactable in Florence?

I would leave things and keep a very close eye on him.

SarahBumBarer Tue 22-Jan-13 10:29:34

Gosh some of you are cynical. My first loyalty might be to my DH but I would not and nor would (m)any women I know extend this to actively lying to another woman about her husband's cheating. OP knows/is friends with this friend too and trusts him. Why are people so quick to dismiss a posters judgement when it is positive and so quick to say "trust your instincts" when they are suspicious.

OP I would recognise that both your and your DH's jobs give rise to opportunity for both cheating and suspicion and take what has happened as an opportunity to have an open discussion on risks and temptations - always worth having some ongoing dialogue about such things - too easy to become complacent. It all sounds good to me and glad you are feeling more positive.

Lovingfreedom Tue 22-Jan-13 10:40:08

I think the mate phoning to cover is suspicious tbh. In my experience I'd said flippantly to my ex, 'well friend might be covering for you'. Next thing I knew ex says 'friend is really upset that you thought he would cover for me'. So I sent a text to friend apologising and explaining it was because I'd already found out DH was having an affair. He writes back rather than accepting the apology or saying along the lines of 'I can understand you being suspicious given what you've already found out, Don't worry about it' he says 'Yes, well I'm disappointed in you for thinking that. blah blah.'....that was enough for me to realise that they are both liars.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 22-Jan-13 10:51:06

Why on earth did he get his mate to cover for him? Surely this is about the trust between the two of you?

If such a scenario was to arise between DH and I, he would consider it his responsibility to re-earn my trust, and he would certainly be far too embarrassed at the thought that he could be cheating to be dragging his friends into it like that.

Proceed with caution OP, and if he starts being more secretive with his phone and remaining hard to contact on work trips then I would say you have something to worry about.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-Jan-13 12:07:36

I know you must want to believe him having been in your situation. Cheaters often spend a lot of time and effort in getting you to believe what they are saying (or denying) and not enough in ensuring that their behaviour and body language match what their words so keep watching...

Doha Tue 22-Jan-13 17:08:40

What reason did he give for having her number in his phone under "Helen" if her name is Emma??

This alone makes me a bit uneasy and bullshit meter flickering hmm

sasamaxx Tue 22-Jan-13 20:44:59

I think her real name is Helen but OP was using 'emma' for privacy reasons smile

sunnyday123 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:15:59

It sounds fine to me. I agree, the friend covering is one thing.,.. There's no way I'd expect a female friend to lie to me. Most women I expect would say they won't get involved, not actively defend. I'd never lie for anyone but may be inclined to "mind my own business" so I'd be happy with the response.

Of course the malw friend will get involved, especially if they are people who confide in each other and socialise as a four-some. Plus most importantly, he was in the pub when her dh recived the text so of course he knows about it!

sunnyday123 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:36

Actually misread that, may not have been with john but of course he would tell him, they work together and it relates to a communal contact. If all else is well I wouldn't worry.

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