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Advice with husbands Internet dating please!

(54 Posts)
RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 10:37:52

Howdy, first ever post and I wish it was a happy one!! However, having read advice on here before I think it would help me.
Before my husband and I were married I discovered he had joined some dating sites and was chatting and swapping pictures with girls on his phone. He promised to never do it again and we got married, had a baby, I felt like I'd forgiven him.
We've argued a bit lately and gone to counselling. He was weird last night and said he had to work late, but one of his colleagues had no idea what he would be doing. I just felt wrong about it- this is what he used to say. So I signed into his email account he used for chatting last time and there was an email to say he'd registered for an adult dating site and another to send him possible matches.
I texted him to ask and he said he'd never heard of it. I sent him a picture I took of the email. He still says he hasn't heard of it and it wasnt him. But the username for the site is very similar to his actual name. I feel like I'm being stupid cuz I want to believe him that someone else must have done it, but I feel so confused. Can I believe him?

Locketjuice Fri 18-Jan-13 10:42:10

I personally wouldn't believe him.
being with a complete twat who repeatedly uses porn and lies about it then admits it hours/days/weeks later...

Gay40 Fri 18-Jan-13 10:42:37

If you believe him, I might as well tell you the moon is made of green cheese.

Locketjuice Fri 18-Jan-13 10:44:22

Also it sounds like you asked him very nicely... I take the approach of you lying fuckwit I know what you have done!

Seems to work better as he knows he can wiggle out of it!

Locketjuice Fri 18-Jan-13 10:44:43


hollie25 Fri 18-Jan-13 10:45:15

I don't believe him you have caught him out and he’ll be desperately covering his tracks now.

You would be well shot of this charmer!

trustissues75 Fri 18-Jan-13 10:47:34

There's an e-mail in his personal email account telling him that he's signed up for a site (not in his junk box I presume) and you've sent him a picture of this email and he is denying it?

1) He has a stupid dumb-ass friend who knows his past and his email address and has signed up for him on his behalf without telling him (also, Santa is real....)
2) He's lying and has added another aspect of you to his list that he doesn't respect: your intelligence.

Of course you cannot believe him. Very sorry.

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 10:49:40

Another vote for not believing him I'm afraid.

Can I ask, are the recent arguments/counselling related to this?

hollie25 Fri 18-Jan-13 10:49:47

If you have acess to the email account you can ask them to resend the password and log in to look at messages ect?

I would do some more digging before he deletes the evidance....

Sorry your going through this bunny sad

Locketjuice Fri 18-Jan-13 10:54:45

If he has only just signed up again or if he knows she knows surely he would have deleted the evidence or there would be nothing to delete?

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 10:59:47

He apparently signed up in November, but I have been trying to trust him and be a good wife as we were attending counselling and I wanted it to work.
He has just texted me telling me perhaps the site shares or sells information and that's how they made him an account? It's ridiculous because I thought I was smart. But I wonder if I'm being a bitch for assuming the worst, or if I'm being naive for considering these excuses. Do these sites share information and give people accounts?

LesBOFerables Fri 18-Jan-13 11:01:39

Jesus Christ.

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 11:02:06

And he has also done the porn thing, it upset me a lot, I asked him to even just involve me if he really needs porn, he says he will never do that again, and yet he does. His excuse will be "but I didn't do it for a while" I'm being so ridiculous right?

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:06:08

I don't think these sites make up accounts. That sounds like bullshit to me. However, I have no direct experience of them.

But now the porn "thing". He knows it upsets you, yet he does it. You are not being ridiculous at all.

God it's depressing, these men, it's like some kind of internet bingo, first dating sites, then porn angry What next?

You are entitled to be happy.

mcmooncup Fri 18-Jan-13 11:11:29

Which site is it? Some are more dodgy /spammy than others?

It is VERY unlikely he was amazingly signed up by accident with a name that is similar to his.......but let us know the site and we can share the knowledge of how that site works.

ThePinkOcelot Fri 18-Jan-13 11:12:10

I think he is lying - sorry. To my knowledge, sites don't just set people up with accounts. Have you tried logging in to his account and having a look?

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 11:12:40

It is called up for it dating

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 11:12:55

Thank you.

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:15:12

Well, google tells me that it's "the site for adults seeking sex" for starters sad Nice.

mcmooncup Fri 18-Jan-13 11:15:40

AFAIK that is just a hook up site he could have been on one last night

But you definitely HAVE to sign up to get an account.

With these sites, I know that there is a certain amount of information that is shared e.g. an email address. So for example, in my case, I have been on POF, and through this have had emails from other dating sites advertising their services......BUT I DO NOT HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH THEM. You have to sign up to get an account and username.

He has definitely been on the look out for casual sex.

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 11:16:13

Of course he's lying through his teeth and you would be naive to the point of gross stupidity if you believed a word he's telling you about his latest attempt to get his leg over with ow venture.

From the title of your thread I assumed you wanted help to pimp your h's online dating profile or some such, and I suggest you give him a few pointers to make himself out to be a superb catch in the hope that some other deluded ooor cah will take him off your hands.

And then take yourself off to consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law- unless, of course, you want a lifetime of never knowing what this dick-led twat is up to with ow.

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 11:20:05

If he has only just signed up again or if he knows she knows surely he would have deleted the evidence or there would be nothing to delete

You'd be surprised (or actually probably not) how stupid these cheating arseholes can be. My friend recently discovered her husband's affair on his phone - he'd not bothered to delete a single message.

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 11:22:40

He's texting me saying "I'm telling you the truth sweetheart"
I am like.... I KNOW it's so stupid but I'm having a hard time. This man was my first boyfriend. I don't understand.

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 11:23:33

Tell him to move out while you get things clear in your head.

Do you have children?

JustinBoobie Fri 18-Jan-13 11:23:41

you know his email password; try sending yourself a password reminder. It will then enable you to look at his profile - while your at it, check all the other sex/flirt/chat dating sites - I fear there will be lots more he's signed up on.

Get angry. That's my advice. He's lying, and he needs to know you Will Not Put Up With It. Please, don't put up with it.

IMO these sites are full of people who are in a relationship, it's fucking ugly and rank.

Good luck op.

TheOriginalLadyFT Fri 18-Jan-13 11:26:34

He's cheating on you, or is just about to. Obviously, you can choose to ignore this (which in a sense you did last time) or you can face up to a really unpleasant reality.

Neither is an easy route, and I feel very sorry for you, but ultimately you were warned before you married him that he had the ability to deceive you. Generally, leopards don't change their spots, especially when it comes to this kind of behaviour.

Staying in this kind of marriage without a real and fundamental shift in attitude from your husband will be a road to misery

LesBOFerables Fri 18-Jan-13 11:28:03

The 'g' in gullible is silent, you know...

I don't want to have a go at you, but COME ON!

I understand that it is a heartbreaking thing to face up to- that's why you aren't letting yourself accept the obvious: that he's a lying cheating scumbag. It is hard. But you do need to face this; it won't get any easier to accept next time you catch him. And there will be a next time.

There's lots of support here- but you need to realise what you're dealing with first.

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 11:31:58

We have an 8 month old daughter. I would ask him to go stay somewhere else but he can't cuz he has his son coming to stay for the weekend. Maybe I should try stay somewhere else for a couple days.

garlicblocks Fri 18-Jan-13 11:33:44

"Shagaholic is an online dating and personals site that aims to give its members the best possible chance of hooking up with someone hot in their area. The site is a partner site to the popular Up For It dating site, and so shares many of the same features and accesses the same membership base."

So ... uh-huh, he may not have registered with Up For It but joined one of its partner sites, like the subtly-named Shagaholic, instead.

It doesn't alter the fact that he's signed up for sex encounters, both online and in the flesh. That review says the registration procedure's a bit of a pain, as well, so he had to put some effort into it.

Sorry sad

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:33:46

I don't get that BOF <thick emoticon>

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 11:37:14

If you don't want to ask him to leave just yet, do you have somewhere you could go for the weekend with your daughter?

Then when his son goes back to his mum's (Sunday?) you tell him to leave.

Do you own the house together?

dequoisagitil Fri 18-Jan-13 11:44:09

Maybe he should have put his son's visit ahead of his need to cheat on you? It's not really your problem, is it? Maybe he could go stay with family - I daresay they'd be delighted to have his ds as well.

Did he split up with his ex over his infidelity?

I know you desperately want to keep it together, but he's got no respect for you and if you want a faithful man, he's not it.

BadLad Fri 18-Jan-13 11:50:26

1) He has a stupid dumb-ass friend who knows his past and his email address and has signed up for him on his behalf without telling him (also, Santa is real....)

Actually, this happened to me once.

Fortunately I came across it before my then fiancee, and told her about it, and was (rightly) believed.

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 11:52:15

and told her about it

That's the difference though, BadLad. You told her about it...

BadLad Fri 18-Jan-13 11:57:59


But if she had somehow found out about it before I had, then it wouldn't have sounded very convincing, I don't think.

That probably wasn't the case for the OP's partner, but I just wanted to point out that it can happen.

I still have no idea who did it for me - actually it was a personal in the local paper with my e-mail address. My regular one, that is.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:18:24

OP I'm so sorry to read your post.
Unfortunately I would say that he is lying. What these twunts men do in these situations is deny and delete. Deny they've done it and delete the evidence.
If it were me I would log into the site though the email account and check the profile. I would check his sent mail box and deleted messages box. I would put the email addy into such wonderful sites as marital affairs, illicit encounters, plenty more naughty fish etc etc..... And see if he was a member there too.

VenusRising Fri 18-Jan-13 12:24:59

He's having sex with strangers.
You had better have a sexually transmitted disease test.

And kick the sad sac to touch.

So sorry to hear this, especially as you have a little baby. X

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 12:26:56

Before my husband and I were married I discovered he had joined some dating sites and was chatting and swapping pictures with girls on his phone

Sorry I misread this the first time round and see now that he actually cheated on you before you got married.

So he has form for this type of thing.

You forgave him once, don't let him take you for a fool a second time.

debtherat Fri 18-Jan-13 13:00:06

The one my husband signed up to Was No Strings Attached. The whole phenomenon surprises me .. can't believe they are real women taking the risk of being f**ked by some man who might be a charming psychopath. Beggars belief that people take such risks. I've just led a v. sheltered life obviously!

My OH said he signed up out of loneliness, wondering what was out there.

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 14:32:31

debtherat, what happened in the end?
He is very very insistent that he knows nothing about it. I have been looking closer and I believe he has not done anything lately, but the issue is that he did sign up right? That is a problem.

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 14:56:52

What is your gut telling you in terms of whether he is guilty and in terms of whether your marriage is over?

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 14:59:01

I don't know what to do. I mean, even if by some weird crazy disaster he really doesn't know anything about it, clearly I don't trust him. Or I would just believe him rather than be questioning it right?

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 15:11:28

There's your answer.

Can you live with a lying cheat?

trustissues75 Fri 18-Jan-13 15:43:36


Sorry you have such a twunty friend! I put it down because it IS possible, but since this man has form I thought the odds of it being a possibility were extremely slim.

debtherat Fri 18-Jan-13 16:21:51

He admitted it - there were numerous emails inviting him to get himself a local hotty. I wasn't able to check for responses. He assured me he only looked, never followed up. He unsubscribed in front of me.... but as this is all in a personal email account.. no further access. He also changed the password sharpish - remotely through his Iphone when he realised I was onto him.

This was not the only thing - see my thread "Where does the love go?" I also found presents, a love letter, a password protected poem and a posting on Facebook about an inspirational new friend... all this following the admission of an EA.

Doha Fri 18-Jan-13 16:56:33

Oh god this man has no respect for you or his DD.

You need to see him for what he is --a liar and a cheat who has probably put the health of his DD's mother at risk
You need to get away from him--if he won't leave then can you go to family or friends to get your head straight.
Both your original post and your other thread are deal breakers for me.

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 17:03:59

This man is a prize arsehole. He cheated on you before you were married, and is betting on that forgiving side of you to be able to squirm his way out of it this time.

SueFawley Fri 18-Jan-13 17:18:27

No wonder you can't trust him, because he's proved that he can't be trusted. He couldn't be trusted even before you married. I do wonder why so many women think that a man will change for the better when he's married. If a man can't behave himself before he's married, when he thinks his GF is his dream woman and is head over heels, he certainly will not behave himself after he's married and the inevitable drudgery sets in.
Sorry that you find yourself in this horrid situation but believe me, if you don't get rid now, you'll be back soon enough reporting that he's doing it again.

prelim29 Fri 18-Jan-13 17:35:23

must be worth computer/laptop history to see if he's visited the site/other sites recently?

badinage Fri 18-Jan-13 17:57:31

Oh of course he's signed up for no-strings fucks!! And he isn't really at work either.

If he signed up in November, that's why you're in counselling.

If you've slept with him since, go to GUM clinic at the earliest opportunity.

Please don't listen to any more of his lies.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 18:01:30

You have been trying to be a "good wife" for this lying twat ?

If being a "good wife" involves shutting the fuck up about his entitlement to make a mug of you, turning a blind eye to infidelity/attempted infidelity and giving him more and increasingly frantic blow jobs in attempt to keep his sexual interest on you then for god's sake, be a Bad Wife

nkf Fri 18-Jan-13 18:04:20

He is lying. And he thinks he can get away with this because you forgave him the first time. That's all. All you can do is decide how you will deal with it.

RedBunny Fri 18-Jan-13 22:26:25

Thank you for all your opinions and advice. I guess I have to do some unmessing of my head. And never let anyone mess it up so much again.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 19-Jan-13 08:55:48

My OH said he signed up out of loneliness, wondering what was out there.

<snorts> People sign up to these sites for one reason only - to fuck other people.

Op - please get rid of this lying cheating scumbag, you are worth far more than this. And get tested for STDs sad

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