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If anyone is still awake, please help me

(96 Posts)
SneakyNuts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:14:21

I don't know how to word this, I can't even be bothered to name change

I woke 'D'P up earlier as he had fallen asleep on the sofa- when he woke. He swung at me sad

I suggested he go to his parents for the night and that he had scared me. Then he smashed up my laptop which had the only copies of all Dd's photos.

I'm fucking devastated

Are you safe now? Is he out of the house?

tribpot Thu 17-Jan-13 23:16:22

Has he gone? Have you phoned the police? Or his parents?

Your laptop's hard disk may be retrievable, but that can wait for another day. You need to make yourself safe tonight.

TurkeyDino Thu 17-Jan-13 23:16:58

I don't have much advice, sorry. I'm sure someone better will be along soon.

Try to get some rest and make plans in the morning. Get bank statements/passports/credit cards together. Do you own your house together?

As for the laptop, if you take it to a computer shop they may be able to retrieve the images.

Thinking of you OP.

SneakyNuts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:18:03

I told him to leave but he said he'll sleep on the sofa.
I'm in bed crying my heart out

SneakyNuts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:18:51

Nothing is in joint names
We are renting thank god

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 17-Jan-13 23:19:06

has he been drinking?
is this usual behaviour for him?

BitBewildered Thu 17-Jan-13 23:19:06

I'm here, too. No advice, but I'm around.

Has he gone? Hot, sweet drink seems a good idea.

LemonDrizzled Thu 17-Jan-13 23:20:33

Sorry OP. Had he been drinking? Has he been aggressive before? Does he have previous for this sort of thing or is he stressed out at the moment for any reason? How are things generally?

SneakyNuts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:22:31

He hasn't been drinking.

The last time he acted like this was about 18 months ago before I was pregnant.

I thought things were fine. We had just started saving for a deposit and talked about having more children

Walkacrossthesand Thu 17-Jan-13 23:23:43

How can we help?

AnyFucker Thu 17-Jan-13 23:25:00

Leopards and spots

It doesn't matter if he has been drinking, if he is stressed, if his puppy died when he was 4 fucking years old

Aggression is a deal breaker. or it should be. Don't stick around to teach your children that putting up with physical abuse is what women do.

I think you need to call the police, he may not have assulted you but he tried to and smashing things up is not acceptable behaviour and really he should be made to leave the house.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 17-Jan-13 23:26:01

What I mean is, was it practical advice about laptop & DD photos you wanted (agree with posters above, keep laptop safe as computer shops can work wonders with retrieving data) or hand-holding about situation you are in?

tribpot Thu 17-Jan-13 23:26:38

So he's done it before. And you didn't leave him that time - in fact you had a child with him.

It seems reasonable for him to suppose you might say he has to leave but you won't make him. You'll feel too guilty because of your dd and you'll stay and it will happen again.

Can you go to your parents?

Would you call the police?

"So he's done it before. And you didn't leave him that time - in fact you had a child with him."

Well, quite.

What do you plan to do?

CleopatrasAsp Thu 17-Jan-13 23:29:38

OP, my husband has a computer repair business. Don't worry about the photographs, unless the hard drive is smashed you can probably get the photgraphs retrieved.

As for the rest, I think it is time to leave this man. There's no excuse for him behaving like this. Please be safe.

BettySuarez Thu 17-Jan-13 23:32:17

Please call the police OP - he has just tried to assault you sad

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 17-Jan-13 23:33:28

is there anywhere you can go with your child tonight?

your safety is paramount.
what is his excuse? or is he generally such a pillock? whats the back story op?

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 17-Jan-13 23:34:21

police could remove him to prevent breach of peace if thats what you want.

could be he goes to parents or friends - phone police if you dont feel safe.

lowercase Thu 17-Jan-13 23:34:44

another vote for call the police.

dont protect him!

protect you and your child

olgaga Thu 17-Jan-13 23:39:30

He tried to assault you, not for the first time. He's damaged your property, and he refused to leave - even though he could easily have gone to his parents.

First thing in the morning, when he's gone to work, I would call NCDV.

Do you want your DD to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour?

BitBewildered Thu 17-Jan-13 23:41:51

How are you OP?

SneakyNuts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:46:51

He's gone, I've told him its over.

AnyFucker Thu 17-Jan-13 23:48:12

Good. It would be best if you made it permanent this time.

tribpot Thu 17-Jan-13 23:49:33

I'm glad you're safe, OP. Bolt the door, hunker down and for preference let someone know tonight (by email I guess) what's happened. It will help you not to be able to deny it later.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Thu 17-Jan-13 23:49:39

If for any reason, you cannot call the Police tonight, please tell a friend or family member, maybe text them.

In the morning as soon as he has left for work, phone womens aid & arrange the locks to be changed, complete with chains.
And do not allow him back into your home as he doesn't sound a safe man to be aroundsad

He won't change & this behaviour is not that of a decent dp.
Please tell someone or the police asap

Sunnywithshowers Thu 17-Jan-13 23:49:50

Big hugs Sneaky. What a shit thing to happen.

ElectricSheep Thu 17-Jan-13 23:51:20

So sorry Sneaky, you must be in shock.

Have some sweet tea and keep warm. THere'll be peeps on here all night if you need to talk.

BrittaPerry Thu 17-Jan-13 23:52:16

Another vote for telling people now. I know how easily they worm their way back in :-(

Glad that he has left the house, do try and keep it that way xx

ElectricSheep Thu 17-Jan-13 23:53:21

Can you get anyone to come and be with you.

Dial 999 straight away if he comes back and you feel unsafe.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 17-Jan-13 23:55:43

I'm so sorry this has happened sad

I'm glad he's gone, but you still need to call the police. Call the local station now and report it. You will need this later on when he wants contact with DD and you don't think she's safe unsupervised. Ring now while it's clear how shaken up you are. Take photos of the laptop & mess he's made.

You need to be strong and in control right now - you need to do those things and get it all recorded.

Call a family member/friend to come and stay - it doesn't matter that it's late, you & DD being safe is FAR more important.

You can fall apart & cry later ok x

Remember, this is who he is. NO matter what he says or promises, this is who he is. Don't take the bastard back this time.

I hope you can retrieve your photos, I'm pretty such a good techie would be able to do that for you.

PickledApples Thu 17-Jan-13 23:55:43

Call 101 if nothing else.
Photos will be recoverable, keep laptop bits in bottom of your wardrobe or under bed- can wait for now.
Please get RL help.

So sorry this has happened Sneaky, well done for telling him to go.

Have you got anyone in RL, a friend, your parents who could come and be with you tonight

Please call 101 to log it, if he reacts that way over you waking him up, there is just no telling how he will behave now that you have ended it.

<hugs>

BlueBumedFly Fri 18-Jan-13 00:04:42

I've no advice just wanted you to know people are still up and awake and here. Be brave, even tomorrow when he apologises, this is not the way to live. Try to rest if you can xx

Snazzynewyear Fri 18-Jan-13 00:07:08

I bet a tech wizard would be able to get the files back. Don't panic over that now. Either look for somewhere else to live or get it changed to being in just your name asap. You need to be safe. And do call the police. Bolt yourself in now so he can't possibly return.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:15:14

I've locked all the doors so he can't get back in and taken pictures and a video of the damage on the laptop.

I can't bring myself to call the police. I have text my mum and have texts from him apologising.
Although he did mumble about me emotionally blackmailing him, and using this as a power trip.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:16:17

Don't reply to his texts

Accept no blame whatsoever for his intimidation and violence towards you

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:17:44

I just seem to

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:18:44

Oops
I just seem to aggravate him just by being here
He is a good dad, I can't take DD away from him sad

tribpot Fri 18-Jan-13 00:21:00

Please don't believe his bullshit. You don't 'aggravate' him by being here. He is choosing to abuse you. Your dd should not have to live with that.

She can have a relationship with him that doesn't involve you - and in the process learn that women do not have to put up with being treated like crap by men. If you want to avoid this cycle repeating in her relationships as an adult, think very carefully about what you do next.

The only person who is responsible for his actions and emotions is him, not you, not your daughter, not his mother, not the local shopkeeper, he only has himself to blame for the way he acted.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:22:58

You are not taking his daughter away from him. He is still her dad, albeit one that terrorises her mother.

His actions leave you no choice.

Well, I suppose there is a choice of sorts

1) expose your daughter to a very damaging example of a relationship and watch her make similar ones when she grows up

2) protect yourself, and by extension, your daughter and finish your couple relationship with an abuser

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:29:58

But when I think back, I just feel as I've I've overreacted or exaggerated

I'm feeling like a terrible mother right now. Poor DD

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:31:06

Yes, poor DD, watching an abusive relationship play out right under her very nose.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:31:44

She has never ever witnessed anything

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:32:51

Every person in an abusive situation says that. They see and absorb more than you think.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:33:45

How did you explain her smashed up toys ? As she grows up, will you take her for a fool with no use of her eyes, ears and gut feelings ?

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:36:10

She was asleep in bed when this happened tonight. The previous time was before I was pregnant.

I don't know what you want me to say, he's gone and she's here with me

He is not a good dad if he attempts to hit you, your dd loves you and wouldn't want to see you hurt, let alone the message that gives about how she should be treated in relationships when she gets older.

He is taking no responsibility for his behaviour with the accusations of emotional blackmail and power trip, he will do this again, maybe it will be worse, maybe your dd will see it, do you want her to go through that?

If a complete stranger took a swing at you and smashed up your property would you see it as overreacting?

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:39:41

I don't you to say anything to me

i want you to say to yourself that you and dd are worth more than this.

I used to sit at the top of the stairs as a child, listening, while stuff like this was going on. My mum thought I was never aware of anything.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:39:53

don't want

KatherinaMinola Fri 18-Jan-13 00:42:50

OP, you need to get out right away, especially for your daughter's sake. He is exhibiting classic abuser behaviour (you made him do it, right? It was your fault he took a swing?)

He has done it twice now. He will do it again, and very soon your daughter will witness it, or see the evidence.

Getting out now is the best thing you can do for your dd.

Sunnywithshowers Fri 18-Jan-13 00:43:31

Sneaky my XH was a fan of smashing up my belongings and our house. I was terrified. That's one of umpteen reasons he's my X.

You and your DD deserve better.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:47:20

Firstly, I'm sorry. I'm feeling very fragile and defensive right now. You are all helping so much.

My dad was emotionally abusive to my mum. She divorced him and she is the strongest person I know.

What am I going to do? I have no money, there's hardly room at my mums. I feel like a total fucking failure that I can't even keep my daughter safe with a roof over her head

BitBewildered Fri 18-Jan-13 00:47:49

You've done well Sneaky. You've got him out, taken photos of your laptop and told your DM. You need to think about this relationship. It's unacceptable behaviour and you are not to blame for his actions, at all, in any way. He did this.

Try to get some rest if you can. What a shit thing to happen! sad

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 01:01:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springyhope Fri 18-Jan-13 01:48:00

You need to report this to the police. You may feel shit now, responsible or something, but you won't in future, once the heartache has passed. You'll see him for what he is: an abuser.

If you take him back he'll do it again. It'll be worse the next time (and he'll plead and say sorry and cry....). You probably can't see that your cherished partner fits what I'm saying, but he does.

AnAirOfHope Fri 18-Jan-13 02:11:36

You dont have to work it all out right now.

You and dd will be ok.

You are safe for tonight get so rest.

You did nothing wrong.

It is not acceptable for anyone to hit you, try to hit you, vandalise your things or threaten or intimadate you. You do not have to put up with that in your life.

You did the right thing.

Even if he was not abusive you still have the right to bump him and ask him to leave.

AnAirOfHope Fri 18-Jan-13 02:15:36

The best thing your dd needs are two parents that love her and a strong mother like you who respects herself and dont take no shit from anyone.

Dont for one second think you let your dd down you did not. Her Father should be ashamed of the way he treated her Mother.

cafecito Fri 18-Jan-13 02:41:19

I almost get the impression you would rather he had done something even worse to you- or abused you for longer- so that you could concretely justify asking him to leave- but AF makes an excellent point, you can ask someone to leave and end a relationship without abuse being present, you know, it's called autonomous choice. But that said, that pattern of thinking that you may have- well, doesn't it indicate to you relief that he has gone?

if any tiny part of you feels relieved, underneath all the terror and self blame and utter panic and despair and wondering how you will cope financially and whether you have done the right thing- if any little tiny part feels relieved that it could be over now - then you have absolutely done the right thing.

fwiw you've definitely done the right thing- these things don't go away, they may die down for a while but believe me, they come back and you don't want to be a statistic who wishes they ahd left the first time... 5, 10 years down the line. It took me 6 years of hell to leave. I left with no money, I was only renting. I also lost my laptop, and photos. but I got out and DS and I are safe. and free. I've had to completely rebuild my life from scratch. But safety and power over your life and setting a good example to your DD and making sure her home is filled with love and happiness and respect. That's what matters.

cafecito Fri 18-Jan-13 02:42:03

AF anairofhope

BlueBumedFly Fri 18-Jan-13 07:07:25

Are you there OP? Just wanted to make sure you had a safe night ?

CabbageLeaves Fri 18-Jan-13 07:16:42

Sneaky you are going to fly now.

I felt like you, what will I do, how will I cope, the DC will miss him...

You know what? I'm confident, my career has taken off, my DC are happy, there is no atmosphere, no walking on egg shells. It's fucking great!

The short period afterwards is tough. This is a person you have an irrational emotion called love, for. You are torn between worrying about them, knowing it cannot carry on, fear of your future etc etc. ... which is why so many go back to it or don't leave.

What AF said may have seemed blunt but you do need to recognise you never hide Abuse. Never. Kids sense it even if they don't witness or hear it. I have always said the tension, emotional, verbal abuse was worse than the physical. He started on my eldest (just verbal) when she was a teenager.. Believe me it's harder to get away the older they are. More complex and more ties and more damage already inflicted.

Like a fire...get out and stay out. You will be happy again

BitBewildered Fri 18-Jan-13 07:56:38

Hope you got some rest. It is better, you know, that he's gone.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 09:18:21

Hi all, I'm ok. I didn't sleep that well though.
My mum rang me in response to my text last night to tell me she didn't believe me. I'm feeling really lonely right now

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 18-Jan-13 09:26:44

Awww sneaky thats awful! Send her the pics of the laptop. If you take the laptop to PC world they may be able to get the pics of it, and if you report it to the police your Ex will have to pay for a replacement.

My Ex was abusive, everything i did seemed to piss him off. Even when i was trying to be 'good'. I am sooooo glad i am not with him anymore. I don't have any family near me, but had some amazing friends who helped me.

Stay strong, don't let him back in, not even to pick up his stuff. Think how much better your DD's life will be without him. You are very brave smile

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 09:41:17

What? That's very strange, is she normally like this with you?

sneaky can I ask, the first time this happened did he hit you? or try to hit you? is he normally abusive in his ways? the way he talks to you, treats you etc?

Things will get better love, is there any way you can stay in the house? Housing benefit?

Let us know your worries, we can help.

lowercase Fri 18-Jan-13 09:42:48

It is better to be lonely than abused!

Why don't you give woman's aid a call, they can help you clarify some things, get support.

You have done the right thing by protecting yourself and your daughter.
It's not always easy to do, but you will both reap the benefits of this in the future.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 09:43:54

I'm really close to her, but she thinks the world of him. I can barely type

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 09:45:29

You're tired love, and no doubt bitterly dissapointed in your mums stance, she may think the world of him, but what he's done is real, does she know about the last time?

Lemonylemon Fri 18-Jan-13 09:49:41

Your mum may think the world of him, but she hasn't had to live with him. You and your DD are better off without him.....

Just give yourself a couple of days to start calming down and give yourself some headspace and then you can start thinking about how to live.

If you read one of the support threads for emotional abuse, I think the poster olgaga has posted a lot of links to support organisations that you can access.

Good luck.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 10:51:57

To answer some questions-

The first time he smashed a vase, it cut up the vinyl flooring in the kitchen.
My Mum doesn't know about that. I saw my Dad treat her terribly, even pin her down on their bed when she told him to leave- I was the one to run in and stop it...why won't she believe me?

DP said he will tell her what happened. He is really very sorry and is getting the laptop fixed ASAP. He's missing DD and she is missing him.

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:02:03

Sneaky, have you got a good friend you can call?

There may be a whole host of reasons why your Mum is acting like this. Pure speculation on my part, but she may be in denial simply because she is desperate to believe that you would never be in a similar situation to her.

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 11:03:30

It's only been a morning, don't get sucked in OP.

Good that he's taking the laptop to be repaired, and that he's sorry, although, I do think, that's because you've put your foot down and shown him the door.
at first, he was blaming you!!

and yes, bloody right he should tell your Mum what happened, fgs don't be pushed into anything today, take time for yourself, you're still in shock, and not being supported.

Is there anyone else, like a friend that will support and believe you?

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 11:04:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 11:04:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snazzynewyear Fri 18-Jan-13 11:11:54

Your mum specifically said she doesn't believe you? She has let you down hugely then. That is awful - it is a parent's job to be on their kid's side for things like this. I suspect that TisILeClerc is right and she is in denial about what happened to her therefore she also has to deny it when it happens to you.

I echo the suggestion to ring Women's Aid. They will believe you and advise you. Also about ringing another friend. Don't be tempted to let him back in. If he keeps pressuring just say you need space for now, to avoid a discussion before you are ready for it.

JuliaScurr Fri 18-Jan-13 11:15:14

rightsofwomen.org
will help re legal issues, money etc

ThePinkOcelot Fri 18-Jan-13 11:21:31

So sorry this has happened to you Sneaky. Am livid with your mother on your behalf. She might think the world of him, but you are her daughter! FGS, is she for real. Disgusted with her TBH. Hope you have someone else in RL that you can rely on because your own mother has let you down big time! xx

porridgeLover Fri 18-Jan-13 11:22:54

Sneaky hun. You have done the right thing. Your mum (for whatever reason...not your problem) is in denial and doesn't want this for you....she is probably hoping this will all go away.

You are probably not in the habit of standing up for yourself, but now is the time to start. It will feel great. Honestly.

Do not under any circumstances allow him to come back to your house.
Any conversations with him about your joint finances, the house, DD etc can be done without him moving back in.

Get some real life support.....anyone who tries to minimise it, is not on your side.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 11:40:51

I can't cope on my own. My friends can't really help either.
Now I get the feeling he really didn't mean to do it.

Tis yes DD is 13 months. I feel like I'm struggling already sad

NicknameTaken Fri 18-Jan-13 11:47:14

Don't panic. You're doing the right thing. You're being a better mother to your DD than your mother is being to you.

I left my abusive ex when DD was 18 months old. I was racked with guilty and agony because I felt I was separating a little girl from the daddy she loved. I was always daddy's girl myself. But hard as it was, it was the right thing to do. DD has a relationship with her dad, but even more importantly, she has a home with me where she is safe and happy.

Taking your ex back is not the solution. Don't do anything hasty. Give yourself a breathing space. Contact arrangements can be made so your DD will still see her father. But the most valuable thing you can give her, more important than her daddy, is a peaceful home, free of violence and abuse.

Try to line up some kind of real-life support - Women's Aid or the Police DV contact point will help if family and friends can't.

This won't go away. If you take him back, he will do the same thing again, and this time your DD might be a witness. These are not the childhood memories you want for your child.

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 11:48:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dequoisagitil Fri 18-Jan-13 11:55:37

It doesn't matter whether he 'meant to do it'.
He did do it.
And he's done it before.
He will do it again.
It is something he does.

You don't want this to be happening, of course you don't, you want it all to go back to normal. But if you will just be going back into this cycle of violent behaviour if you let him back in, and he may well get worse. Better, charming, loving, remorseful for a while - then swinging at you again.

You'd be doing your dd a favour by not taking him back, not subjecting her to what your dm showed you as you were growing up. Don't make her mistake.

porridgeLover Fri 18-Jan-13 12:10:13

Actually yes you can cope on your own.
Truely, you can.

You have been programmed to believe that you cant. But look at your DD. Think about what you want for her. Do you want to to be hit by her partner in 25 years time??
No? Show her how it's done. You will NOT regret this.
It is scary, people may tell you you're over-reacting, that he didnt mean it, it was just one thing blah blah blah. But I, and many others here have been where you are....and we survived getting rid of that poisonous partner. You CAN do it.

I get the feeling he really didn't mean to do it

What he (or anyone else who says this) really means is

'Im sorry for myself that I did the wrong thing and now I have to face the consequences. No-one told me that there would be any bad reaction to me behaving like that. I dont deserve this. I feel sorry for me'.

His concern is for himself...not you and not your DD. If he was concerned, he would be keeping away from you, trying to figure out why he does this, and how he can change himself. If you see that happen there will be a blue moon then you can think about having him back.

BitBewildered Fri 18-Jan-13 15:03:44

You're not alone. You can cope. It will be ok without him.

AlienReflux Sun 20-Jan-13 16:35:36

hey sneaky how you doin love?

you know we won't judge you if you're trying to work it out, but please keep posting, it's so easy to not see the wood for the trees in these situations.

hoping you're alright either way

TheAllNewMe Sun 20-Jan-13 16:56:39

The reason you have ended up in this situation is due in no small part to your having spent your formative years having it imprinted on your brain that a relationship between a man and a woman involves the woman getting abused. Your mother got out in time to save herself, but not you.

If you take him back you will be teaching your own child the same lesson. In 20 years' time she will be wondering if she over reacted and making excuses for the man who has just criminally assaulted her and destroyed her possessions.

Is that what you want?

SneakyNuts Sun 20-Jan-13 19:19:20

Hi all, I'm ok. I must say I am feeling slightly pressured by this thread to leave him but anyway...

He came back Friday night with his tail between his legs. He got a bollocking from his parents and seems really ashamed of what he's done.
We were due to get married (once we could afford it) but I've told him that's off as he needs to prove himself. He's been back to his usual self over the weekend- very helpful and kind.

I have let him know in no uncertain terms that this is not happening again, he knows I mean it.

Thank you for all of your comments, I felt really cut up that evening so I'm really thankful for you all being there thanks

TisILeclerc Sun 20-Jan-13 19:23:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 20-Jan-13 20:49:13

Sneaky, I hope it gets better for you. smile As Leclerc says, we'll still be here.

AlienReflux Mon 21-Jan-13 04:19:20

Thanks for coming back and letting us know, really hope this is the kick up the area he needed.
good luck with it all

porridgeLover Mon 21-Jan-13 12:47:12

As above good luck. Come back if you need support again.

BitBewildered Mon 21-Jan-13 18:43:45

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you're ok, hope it all goes well. smile

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