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Online dating - day 1 nightmare

(42 Posts)
KellyElly Thu 17-Jan-13 22:00:42

Just dipped my toe into the muddy waters on online dating today. I really good looking, seemingly nice guy wanted to chat. All good so far.

He sort of made a few innuendos and after a bit I said that I wasn't looking for a hook up or anything casual and was he. This was after he asked me to ask him anything. He kind of attacked me and said I had looked into things and he was just being cheeky and he was completely put off me and was a bit rude. I now feel really humiliated and like I did something wrong but was just trying to be open and honest.

My previous relationship with DD's dad was all about him making me feel I was to blame for everything and assinating my character and now I just feel so shit and stupid. Should I just give up on relationships all together. Maybe I'm just not ready for this or maybe I just don't understand online dating ettiqute?? Advice please.

ManInBeige Thu 17-Jan-13 22:03:26

You met a knob. Absolutely not your fault.

Numberlock Thu 17-Jan-13 22:04:09

Block him and move on to the next.

McBalls Thu 17-Jan-13 22:06:25

You did nothing wrong.

He talked to you in a way that he would have known only some people would be receptive to. You stated your position, he felt chastened and instead of taking it good-naturedly he lashed out at you. Or possibly, lashing out was his way of rapidly abandoning the conversation as you arent after a hook-up and he is. Either way, his problem entirely.

OhToBeCleo Thu 17-Jan-13 22:06:32

In my experience there is often a lot of 'cheek' - which I guess is the virtual equivalent of flirting when there's no eye contact or facial expression to go on.

Online dating requires a thick skin. Are you ready for it?

I wouldn't give up just yet. Depending on what site you're on there are some genuine people on dating sites.

Good luck.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 17-Jan-13 22:07:03

He's a wanker, lucky miss.

KellyElly Thu 17-Jan-13 22:10:51

Thanks smile I am on match.com. If that's a mistake please tell me. I've never done this before and would appreciate advice. I'm a lone parent without many babysitter, family etc so don't get the chance that often to meet men through the normal channels.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 17-Jan-13 22:10:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeckSwabber Thu 17-Jan-13 22:15:29

Well, I'm dipping my toe as well.

I think some people do online dating to have sex with no consequences.

Some people do online dating because they want to meet someone (a soulmate).

The trick is to know which is which.

Advice I have been given -
- choose a site where you pay (fewer opportunists)
- its a bearpit, so be prepared. Some people will lie. Some people will assume you are lying.
- don't just chat to one person because they seem promising. Keep a few conversations going. Then if one goes quiet, you are not starting again from scratch.
- don't worry if people don't answer your messages. Thick skin required. Imagine you are wearing you most alluring dress and say 'ftt' to any sorry deadbeat who misses out on the chance to meet you.

Imagine you are at a party. 50 people, only one or two catch your eye. That has got to be true online as well.

Numberlock Thu 17-Jan-13 22:15:36

How about speed dating Kelly?

KellyElly Thu 17-Jan-13 22:16:54

A thick skin is what I need. I guess its a trial and error thing. Its so different than face-to-face. It actually makes me feel more vulnarable. I'm pretty confident if you meet me face on but this just shocked me a bit. Need to woman up lol!

OhToBeCleo Thu 17-Jan-13 22:24:07

I personally hated match.com - I found a lot of what you've described in your OP there.

My golden rule is that I never talk to anyone on the phone first. If they're not prepared to make the effort to come to meet me then they're out. I never arrange more than a coffee or quick drink (with something else planned an hour later) for the first date. If it's great you can arrange another one, if it's awful you can leave and never look back.

Re conversations - they wax and wane - don't take that personally - it's the nature of the beast. One bit of advice would be not to let a conversation drag on too long before meeting as you create a mental picture of someone which is in danger of disappointing in RL (and I'm not referring to their appearance).

Oh and I'm also a single parent with no regular childcare and few opportunities to date so I empathise.

Lovingfreedom Thu 17-Jan-13 22:25:51

all sorts on OD. One guy told me he wanted to rip the top off me within first few messages..but I've now met a nice guy who I've been seeing for months. it really does take all sorts. thick skin required and don't take anything offensive,rude or suggestive personally.

NicholasTeakozy Thu 17-Jan-13 22:27:25

There's a rolling dating thread on here. So far they're up to no. 36 so you're not alone.

KellyElly Thu 17-Jan-13 22:31:48

Which is the best dating site?

KellyElly Thu 17-Jan-13 23:44:22

So he just came back on and apologised and said he over reacted and you can't tell how these I'm chats are going. ISHOOS I think. Been there done that. No thanks!

Block him, move on, plenty of fish in the sea, don't take shit from no-one and you will be fine!

And perhaps read up on the red flag threads on the relationships board. I can prettying tell who might be a goer from 'the first or second message and that thread was a great help in learning how to tell these things.

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 01:24:08

You need this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1656774-its-a-new-dawn-its-a-new-day-it-dating-thread-36

It's ongoing and moves fast - there's a continuation just about every week and you'll need to look out for the latest title but it rarely moves far from the top of p.1 of this board.

They're a friendly bunch so drop in anytime and you'll get all the help you need to avoid dickheads like the one you've encountered today - you have written him off, haven't you?

KellyElly Fri 18-Jan-13 18:18:52

Thanks I will check those out and Izzi I have definately written him off! Someone who acts like that online isn't someone I'd want to meet or have any kind of relationship with in real life. Been there done that with a horrible twat in my last relationship. Never again. I'd rather be single smile

something2say Fri 18-Jan-13 18:24:54

I did laugh when I read your op - I was the same this time last year! I dipped my toe in and the messages just flooded in! I replied to every single one, thanks but no thanks sort of thing, and the amount of abusive messages I received in return was shocking!! 'I never liked you anyway, you haven't grown up, you are a hippy, etc etc' all because I said no!! So yes thick skin required.

Good luck tho, hopefully someone nice will be along soon and in the meantime, have fun with them all!!

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 18:27:22

I often lurk on the dating thread.. all pond human life is there grin

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 18-Jan-13 18:37:22

Hi Op, I've been online dating on and off a few years now. I hated match. You re really limited if you're over a certain age due to filters. My personal favourite is OK cupid. You need to filter through the slightly and overtly odd ones but there's been quite a few nice ones too. Agree with others, adopt a thick skin, don't take anything personally and be picky. Have fun.

KellyElly Fri 18-Jan-13 18:54:35

Thanks oops. I think you may be right about Match. A lot of the profiles I liked specify no children as well so don't think it's that friendly to lone parents!

Something, I'm a mean online dater. I ignore the messages from the ones I don't like the look or sound of smile

TweedSlacks Fri 18-Jan-13 18:59:20

Hi
See if you can sset your profile to 'Private Browsing' . You might miss out on alot of "Cock Shots" <boak> , but you can contact people who appear normal.
Oh , and as Izzy recomends , got on the OD thread .
Good luck

JuliaScurr Fri 18-Jan-13 19:08:19

He's a knob
Next!

bumhead Fri 18-Jan-13 19:35:50

Kelly please join the dating thread, they are a lovely bunch of savvy, funny, kind women and men and are fantastic at sorting the wheat from the dating chaff.
I lurk on there all the time because I love reading their adventures, reminds me of when I was an OD and it will give you faith that there are good people out there OD when you've had a bad day and seem to be meeting dickheads online

KellyElly Fri 18-Jan-13 20:27:16

Thanks bumhead. I think I will smile

akaemmafrost Fri 18-Jan-13 20:33:22

There are some people who do on line dating who seem to think that they have the right to tell it like it is to the people they engage with (anonymously from the protection of their computer) they usually do so and then block you immediately so you can't answer back. Rest assured this man is a proper arsehole in RL and you've dodged a bullet. You may also be assured that you got him bang to rights jn your analysis of his contact with you and that why he attacked you. You did well to call actually, honestly you did smile.

I got burned like this early days and I've never been back it's not for me I am afraid.

VelvetSpoon Fri 18-Jan-13 20:40:17

Online dating is mostly full of chancers, weirdos, married men, serial shaggers and the like. There are literally a handful of decent blokes on there. And even the nicest ones often have issues a mile long.

I am a habitué of the dating thread, though I'm not on there much at the moment for various reasons, I definitely agree you should check it out, everyone is very welcoming smile

shopafrolic Fri 18-Jan-13 20:41:17

Don't give up!! The first man who ever contacted me on Dating Direct asked me to send him my knickers!! I blocked him and moved on. I had email chat with a few really pleasant guys and then one of them asked for my number. We spoke on the phone for two hours, then met, and we're now married with a wonderful DS.
You need to be savvy yes but don't be disheartened. I would actually always recommend talking on the phone first. If you can't find things to all about on the phone then don't waste your time with a meet.
Most of all, have fun. My girlfriends and I used to open a bottle of wine and trawl through the site having a good old nose! It was actually my friend who 'poked' my now DH!!!! She also married a guy she met online. Good luck!

BillyBollyDandy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:37:55

I met my DH on match 7 years ago and he's fab grin

I never ever met anyone who made any sort of innuendo when we were chatting prior to a date.

I had one man ask me to meet him in a car park for sex. The first time we had contact. It was a no from me suprisingly

BillyBollyDandy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:39:13

sorry i mean i never met up with anyone who had made any innuendo

KellyElly Sat 19-Jan-13 10:46:03

The guy that was rude to me is slightly unhinged I think. Every time I log on he keeps trying to instant message me and winking at me even though I keep ignoring him. I tried to show myself as offline but you have to pay extra for that! I also think I have to pay extra to block as far as I can work out. Online dating is going to take a bit of getting used to! I'm going to join the dating thread on Monday as have no internet at home and my phone signal is playing up (probably the weather).

Numberlock Sat 19-Jan-13 11:54:14

What about giving speed dating a go?

landscaperguy Sat 19-Jan-13 16:02:20

What about online dating for men who happen to be gay? I have done internet dating for 5 years now with breaks in between and can honestly say i have not met one single person where i would like anything serious with. I have tried to be thick skinned but i am not like that personality wise. So anyone considering online dating do bare in mind you need a thick skin and be prepared to meet loads of losers and weirdos and guys who don't know what they want.

People tell me there are nice people out there but i don't think they are to be found on Gaydar for example.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 19-Jan-13 16:34:23

Gaydar's out - it's all about Grindr these days.

landscaperguy Sat 19-Jan-13 17:29:57

Whats Grindr and how does it work? Is it a better way to meet guys? Found Plenty of Fish rubbish. I think internet dating may work if your straight but i know no gay people who its worked for.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 19-Jan-13 17:41:02

Cant confess to being an expert but my best mate is male and gay. He used gaydar in his "youth" about 6 or 7 years ago purely for random hookups. Now, like me, hes looking for something more solid. He tried match but found very few guys. Now he uses grindr and has had a few dates recently.

landscaperguy Sat 19-Jan-13 20:15:32

Ill give it a go but don't hold out much hope.

Arthurfowlersallotment Sat 19-Jan-13 20:28:17

Grindr is very casual hook up orientated. It shows you members near you by the GPS on your phone. Very clever.

Agree dating sites for gay men are rubbish for anyone looking for a serious relationship.

Good luck OP. there are arseholes all over every dating site. I had a message from a married man, another told me I was ugly when I didn't reply to him, and one I did go on a date with was significantly older and larger than his photograph. And talked nonstop about himself.

Six bad dates in I met my now DP.

landscaperguy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:12:51

Congratulations Arthurfowlersallotment. If anyone has any suggestions where gay men meet for serious relationships then do let me know. I am non scene and very masculine acting so looking to meet similar. I do go to the gym so do get out and about. There are some outdoor groups but mainly in Birmingham and Manchester too far away from me. Im in East Anglia and bugger here for 'normal' men who are attracted to men.

Its a shame people don't go out and meet face to face anymore and more reliant on the net.

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