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Which of these men should I get serious with??

(79 Posts)
2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 20:40:12

I've been dating 2 men for a while and am at the point where I need to make a choice!

Help me!

1. Mr Perfect on paper
PROS
He's kind, considerate, would fit in well with my family (I have a ds aged 3)
He treats me really well, not in a flamboyant way but is very thoughtful with little things.
We get on really well.
He's tall dark and handsome.
We have lots of similar interests and similar sense of humour.
We've known each other 7 years and he has good history! Is. "good egg".
No baggage
He's a very modern man so would do his 'fair share'.
Easy going and laid back. Sometimes I find him too laid back but I am highly strung so this is quite good for me.

CONS
What you see is what you get - this could be a pro but he isn't very 'deep' so I worry I may get bored.
I don't feel very sexually attracted to him.
He has a fairly good job but no real ambition.

2. Mr Gives me butterflies
PROS
I fancy him a LOT (shallow but he just makes me feel very... You know! blush)
He thinks I am amazing, beautiful and just adores me. (sounds big headed but I know this).
Similar careers so have this in common
Similar sense of humour
Similar interests
Great job and ambition

CONS
Don't know him as well - only met 6 months ago and only been on 12 dates (but I am counting!)
He has 2 kids and a difficult ex wife - I have a ds too so it's not a huge con but he does have more baggage so more complicated.
He's short! Shallow I know - not shorter than me but similar height!
His job takes him away overnight most weeks and brings him a moderate level of stress.

help me mumsnetters - I can't date them both anymore! It's just not right!

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 20:41:25

Oh, and mr "gives me butterflies" and I can talk, talk and talk. BUT I haven't known him nearly as long so that could be why!

Perplexing Thu 17-Jan-13 20:43:47

I would go for one I think.

The spark with number 2 may fizzle out. I know it's a tough decision and hard for a stranger to comment... but based on what you have written no 1 sounds more 'long term' somehow.

What does your 'gut' tell you?

sarahseashell Thu 17-Jan-13 20:43:51

number 2. Do they know you're dating them both?

Perplexing Thu 17-Jan-13 20:45:51

PS I may be biased as I have recently been seeing a 'no 1' type and it felt great - but he let me down and it all ended very abruptly and I was heartbroken.

Next time I will be looking for long term 'slower burn' 'nice' person.

Softlysoftly Thu 17-Jan-13 20:45:59

Number 2 but unless they know you have made a bad start with both cheating!

Perplexing Thu 17-Jan-13 20:47:01

Sorry I meant to say I have been seeing a 'no 2' type and he was the one who let me down.

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 20:47:34

They may know, we haven't had the "exclusive" conversation but I haven't pro actively told them.

I'm aware he spark with #2 may fizzle out. But the never was really a spark with #1, but he is great long term potential on paper and had many of the qualitites I admire in a man.

I am very confused though!

Xales Thu 17-Jan-13 20:48:07

Neither.

Have fun and enjoy both of them for what each of them brings you (just be open about it) but carry on looking for one who is right.

sarahseashell Thu 17-Jan-13 20:52:23

no 1 being good 'on paper' is no good to you IMO

scarlettsmummy2 Thu 17-Jan-13 20:53:40

12 dates seems pretty serious.

FreakoidOrganisoid Thu 17-Jan-13 20:56:41

Neither. Wait for one who is right for you. If you have to ask which you should pick then neither is for you. IMO

greenpostit Thu 17-Jan-13 20:58:06

Is mr no. 2 a work colleague?
If yes, I'd stop seeing him personally.

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:01:50

Number 2 and i worked together a couple of years ago but don't work together now.

Why are some people saying 'neither'? Are their cons too big? No-one is perfect, right?

IslaValargeone Thu 17-Jan-13 21:03:27

Neither. If you picked either one you would be 'settling'.
Why should settle if you don't have to?

sarahseashell Thu 17-Jan-13 21:14:01

OP people are saying that because if he seemed like 'mr right' you'd be straight in there and not having this debate, listing pros and cons etc

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:16:56

True. Pause for thought then!

FreakoidOrganisoid Thu 17-Jan-13 21:17:28

I only skimmed your list of points so don't actually know what their pros and cons are. But I just think that if either one was good enough then you wouldn't need to ask which you should choose.

Both are fine for dating but if one doesn't jump out at you then you shouldn't get serious with either. (again, imo)

And I'm far from being someone who believes in 'the one'.

Scrazy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:19:45

How short is no 2? I would go for him if it was me.

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:21:22

No 2 is probably 5 ft 8. I am 5ft6

Scrazy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:21:37

They say neither because if you liked no 1 enough you wouldn't be dating no 2, and if no 2 was the one for you, you wouldn't be having this debate.

Scrazy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:22:12

5ft 8 is fine, thought he might have been shorter.

Flojobunny Thu 17-Jan-13 21:22:24

6 months and you are only dating? Can't be that much of a spark then if you haven't made it to the bedroom yet!

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:23:27

blush weeellllll

sarahseashell Thu 17-Jan-13 21:24:04

shock taller than you = not too short!
If no 1 wasn't on the scene, how would you feel about no 2 do you think? are you just feeling reluctant to go for it with 2 because of some notion that you have to have known someone for ages, references and so on before you get involved, based on the thing with 1?

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:25:35

We only started dating 6 weeks ago... Knew each other properly for 6 months before we started dating. The reason we waited was due to his ex and the situation there. We had worked together a while before but didn't really know each other then iykwim

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:26:47

If 1 wasn't on the scene I would be VERY excited about 2

lastSplash Thu 17-Jan-13 21:26:52

Number 1, but why not carry on as you are for a bit? That way you get to have fun with number 2 until it (inevitably) passes that honeymoon hormone-driven bit...

ethelb Thu 17-Jan-13 21:27:16

No 1. I think he makes you happy and it sounds like no 2 is just a diversion as you have slightly cold feet wink

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:28:28

Don't think I can carry on - I want some sex! Can't be sleeping with them both... Although actually I only really want to sleep with number 2...

wannaBe Thu 17-Jan-13 21:31:23

hmmm. how many women would be happy to be one of two? imagine if a man was posting this, he would be branded a cheating bastard.

kalidanger Thu 17-Jan-13 21:33:36

Are you sure no 2's ex really is as 'difficult' as he says she is? It's often (OFTEN) said that a man's person's attitude toward their ex can tell you a lot about their general attitude to relationships. This might matter, might not.

KumquatMae Thu 17-Jan-13 21:34:01

What ethelb said. When I met my now DP I was seeing someone else whom I was totally in lust with, it was like an addiction. I liked loads of things about DP but couldn't keep away from the other guy. Then we made a mutual decision to end it, he didn't want anything serious and I did. Met up with now DP again and now I had allowed myself to, I fell completely head over heels for him. We're still blissfully happy 4 years on. I had convinced myself that nobody else could match up to the other guy, when in reality DP had hundreds more good points I just wasn't letting myself see them.

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:37:22

It's funny no-one's mentioned the lack of sexual attraction to number 1. I lurk on r'ships board a fair bit and people are often saying that lack of sexual attraction prohibits long term happy relationships...

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:37:56

I mention that as its something which has been concerning me...

Difficult ex-wife you say? Chances are he once made her feel beautiful, amazing and just adored, so much so she married and had two children with him. I'd be interested to know what she thinks of him now....

KumquatMae Thu 17-Jan-13 21:38:40

wannaBe I think its a bit different when you're just dating and seeing where it goes. OP has said they may know about one another, and presumably if they asked she would tell them? Its not like being in a dedicated relationship. When I was dating both of the guys knew that was going on. Now DP (cocky bastard) was fine with it because he said he knew I would choose him in the end, and the other guy didn't want a proper serious relationship and said it would be unfair of him to ask me not to see anyone else.

sarahseashell Thu 17-Jan-13 21:43:58

so what are you going to do- ditch 2 and then have sex with no 1 who you don't fancy confused
perhaps date them both but don't settle for either?
but it sounds like you just want to have sex with 2 so why not do that, ditch 1, who you don't fancy anyway, and then just see where it goes with 2, find out more details about the ex wife etc as time goes on

Flojobunny Thu 17-Jan-13 21:48:55

Ah but OP, I have dated guys before and been unsure about the chemistry or lack of it, but once I've actually take it to that next level and gone for it and had sex with them, my mind has completely changed and I realise I do actually fancy the pants off them.
Likewise you might sleep with No. 2 and realise he is completely crap and plain weird in bed!

NomNomDePlumPudding Thu 17-Jan-13 21:49:07

i don't understand it either - if you don't want to shag no.1, you don't want no.1. a partner, temporary or otherwise, is not like a qualification - it doesn't matter what he looks like on paper.

shag no.2, and don't assume anything will come of it, that's my advice.

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 21:49:13

Ex is difficult when it comes to him seeing the children alone. She doesn't like them being away overnight but he wants to have them stay a this from time to time. She's not hugely toxic or anything. Just hurt I think. She didn't want to split up (even though she was openly miserable). I feel bad for her really.

ninah Thu 17-Jan-13 21:59:36

send no 1 my way please

2men1decision Thu 17-Jan-13 22:04:22

A lot of women would kill for number 1 - why don't I feel like that?

susanann Thu 17-Jan-13 22:12:03

because hes not right for YOU

Flojobunny Thu 17-Jan-13 22:19:42

Yes I'll take No. 1 thankyou....and if that doesn't make you want to grab him and run, there's your answer.

ArtsMumma Fri 18-Jan-13 03:09:05

I think you like no 2 and want him and you feel like you are being unreasonable by turning down no1 because he seems perfect on paper. He isnt perfect for YOU. So even if there was no-one else on the scene, it wouldn't last. Now, things might not work out with no2, but they might. So it seems to me like no2 is the only option. Thats what you want us all to say! You know it!

Wecanfixit Fri 18-Jan-13 06:40:33

No 2 it seems obvious to me he make you feel something ! but your decision life is short if your looking for security you would pick 1 , but if you want passion fun and a friend it is 2 good luck nice to have the choice!

Branleuse Fri 18-Jan-13 06:54:39

Neither. Number 1 sounds boring. Number 2 sounds like hes still married

As for height. My dp is a similar height to me. I thought it might put me off before I properly met him, but it doesnt actually make the slightest difference.

Branleuse Fri 18-Jan-13 06:56:54

please please dont go for the one youre not actually attracted to. Not fair on either of you. Good on paper is fine if youre hiring someone for a contract. Not for a relationship where I presume youll be pretending youre passionate about him.

Whichever one is the best shag.

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 07:07:55

Toss a coin.
Heads gou go for 1, tails you go for 2.
When the coin is up in the air, I bet you find yourself thinking I hope it's...

Then you'll know who you want.

Theoldtriangle Fri 18-Jan-13 07:10:30

Feel as if I've gone back in time and posted this 4 yrs ago. Was dating 1 when I met 2 and he swept me off my feet. Same as branleuse says though, 1 was boring but seemed perfect, 2 still very involved with ex, in a bad way. This carried on for yrs. iwent for 2 because we shagged almost immediately, talked all the time, I've got ds, he has 2 dc, felt our baggage was equal. It wasn't. We are married but unless you can abide the ex constantly interfering, wait for 3. Good luck.

2men1decision Fri 18-Jan-13 17:41:23

I do want 2 I think but everyone will think I am mad as 1 is so "perfect"...
But you're right that perfect on paper doesnt mean perfect for me! Xx

nkf Fri 18-Jan-13 17:48:10

1 sounds lovely but I like men with a good track record and tall, dark and handsome is always good. How about shagging 2 silly and when that's done, being sensible with 1?

badinage Fri 18-Jan-13 18:09:01

It sounds like No. 2 and you had a big flirtation going on before he left his wife. Did anything happen between you before he left home?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 18-Jan-13 18:11:50

For me beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I would much rather be with someone who was 5'8" than 6'4" if they were more fun, intelligent and witty.

I think the one that really floats your boat is number 2, but he is a bit risky compared to number one.

I would definitely get bored with someone who was not deep.

For clarity, it would have to be number 2 for me.

Difficult for me to even choose though!!!

something2say Fri 18-Jan-13 18:17:57

I too would go for number 2. As I did up my high heels and got all excited for that hot date and thought about snogging him!! Have fun!!!

glastocat Fri 18-Jan-13 20:49:03

Number 2. If you don't want to shag number one, he's a non runner.

TDada Fri 18-Jan-13 22:50:31

Have you considered agreeing with them to time share. They might agree and thereby you can have it all. Why not?

ImperialBlether Fri 18-Jan-13 23:26:35

You can't possibly think of a serious long term relationship with someone you don't fancy. It just won't work and you will feel a real bitch finishing with him.

AgnesBligg Fri 18-Jan-13 23:40:18

Oh look number 2 is the obvious contender.

number 1 is nice but dull, it'll never go the distance even if you try and force it to. He isn't sexy (to you) end of.

2men1decision Sat 19-Jan-13 08:07:53

Yeah you're right. In the back of my mind I just worry number 2 will break my heart and then I'll be thinking "why did I let mr nice guy go?"

No - nothing happened before he left home

Strangemagic Sat 19-Jan-13 08:26:11

Neither,after 6 months you still haven't made a move one way or another.

DopamineHit Sat 19-Jan-13 12:39:17

As pointed out often you can't get seriously involved with 1 if you're not sexually attracted. Apart from anything else it's not very fair on him.

I'd also be wary of 2. Having a "difficult ex wife" is often shorthand for "difficult relationship with ex wife". Usually it takes two people to make a difficult relationship.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 13:44:43

Number 1 is no good. There needs to be sexual attraction. Why would you even consider sleeping with or going long-term with someone you don't actively want to shag? Let him down gently.

I'd see where number 2 goes but not necessarily see it as long-term or serious, 12 dates isn't enough to know.

TDada Sat 19-Jan-13 17:43:30

run one day task oriented selection process a la Apprentice smile.

Nancy66 Sat 19-Jan-13 18:59:59

Shag No2....and then make your decision wink

superstarheartbreaker Sat 19-Jan-13 19:48:07

Oh gosh...don't go for number 1 if you don't fancy him. I kind of have this dilemma atm so I know what you mean.

MarianneM Sat 19-Jan-13 19:48:48

Your No 1 sounds just like my DH (except that I find him attractive!).

I seriously would go for this guy - nice guys, "good eggs" are were it's at. We've been together almost 15 years and he is still the best man I've ever known.

I think women sometimes don't feel (initially) attracted to nice guys. I do!

And remember that the initial attraction you feel for the other guy will wear out.

Also, you must have something in common/good rapport with No 1 if you've been friends 7 years!

MarianneM Sat 19-Jan-13 19:55:24

Also, I think ambition is not always good. Ambitious career guys don't necessarily make such great husbands...

My lovely DH is at present a SAHP and a wonderful father to our DDs and a kind and thoughtful husband to me.

Think long term!

superstarheartbreaker Sat 19-Jan-13 19:55:45

TBH I don't think the height is an issue with number 2; you obviously fancy him the most. He sounds great on paper. Ok he has an ex wife who is a pain;' I think that is what is freaking you out the most but you can't let her put you off someone who you obviously have chemistry with.

MarianneM Sat 19-Jan-13 19:58:02

One more thought: how do you know his ex is difficult - because he told you? Always be wary of men who speak unkindly of their ex-partners!

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 20:05:45

Oh, you know you're going to go for no.2! You're just relishing the chance to have a rom-com style dilemma grin You're only human!

It may end in tears with no.2. There's something you aren't sure about and I bet it isn't just his tricky ex. Seems your instincts are jangling a little. But I think your attraction to him has made your decision.

If no.2 wasn't on the scene you might have got together with no.1 and found yourself thinking, hmmm, why doesn't this feel like it's enough?

Good luck with no.2, hope it works out smile

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 20:47:42

I think I'd bin No. 1 because if there's no chemistry, it's doomed - and it's too big an area to compromise on.

I'd probably date No. 2 but try to hold on to my heart and be a bit more sceptical about his tales of the 'difficult' exW who doesn't want any time to herself. The only time I've heard of women who are reluctant to let their kids stay with dad is if there's a chance they are going to be introduced to the woman he left for. You say that's not you, so makes me wonder if there is/ was someone else in the picture. Most mums want a break and are rarely difficult about contact just for the sake of it.

2men1decision Sun 20-Jan-13 07:37:37

His ex and I have a couple of mutual friends so I am aware (not through him) that she is a bit difficult - but as I said i guess its just cause she is hurt as she didnt want the marriage to end. There would be no chance of me meeting the dcs yet - waaaay too soon.

Liking the idea of apprentic style selection! Or just shagging them both and then deciding - though I'm not going to do that!

I do agree with the comments that number 1 would make a "better" husband. But if I dont fancy him then I guess there is my answer...

TDada Mon 21-Jan-13 21:19:25

I think that you really out to have an exclusive trial week with each man including road test to see how they wear.

TDada Mon 21-Jan-13 21:21:20

Ought as opposed to out

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Mon 21-Jan-13 21:27:48

Just carry on as you are. You will have more fun doing that than if you try to force yourself into choosing. Monogamy and commitment are a waste of the one life we have not compulsory - as long as you let both men know that you are not, currently, looking for an exclusive relationship, shag them both and enjoy them both until one or both relationships runs its course.

TDada Mon 21-Jan-13 22:38:21

Can't argue with either.

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