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DH's gift to OW

(182 Posts)
madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 19:48:52

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

sarahseashell Thu 17-Jan-13 19:50:44

did he tell you about the bracelet or did you find out about it? you seem to know she's OW rather than a friend he's been for lunch with? What would I think? I'd think pack your bags tbh (him)

LeaveTheBastid Thu 17-Jan-13 19:50:48

Full blown affair. Whether that be sexual or emotional. A £250 bracelet... Jesus. What did you get?

AngryTrees Thu 17-Jan-13 19:51:46

I would think affair, and that the bracelet came as things were getting serious. Why else spend all that money and take the time to pick out a piece of jewellery? Certainly not for someone you met a couple of times for lunch..

mrsL1984 Thu 17-Jan-13 19:52:38

This reminds me of love actually where Alan rock mans character gave his bit on the side the necklace and his wife got a Joni Mitchell cd!! Chop off his balls!!!

cupcake78 Thu 17-Jan-13 19:53:25

Have to agree most likely an affair. Unless your dh is a bit odd, infatuated with ow and trying to get her interested.

badinage Thu 17-Jan-13 19:54:32

That they were having a physical and emotional affair and that I was married to a cheat and a liar who thought I was stupid.

Pancakeflipper Thu 17-Jan-13 19:54:50

I would be fuming, upset, distrustful, and have a lot of questions to ask him

greenpostit Thu 17-Jan-13 19:54:56

Either a full blown affair.

Or he is seriously trying to butter her up so she will have an affair with him.

No other possibilities IMO.

lemonstartree Thu 17-Jan-13 19:55:21

That's so sad :-( I would be heartbroken; and then I think very angry... what did you get ?

Oh and he is either having an affair with her, or hoping to

lunar1 Thu 17-Jan-13 19:55:48

I would think affair, spending all that family money on an ow would be as bad as sex in my books.

hermioneweasley Thu 17-Jan-13 19:57:04

Assuming he didn't say "I have a lovely friend, x. You know - I tell you when we've met up for lunch? Anyway I've seen a bracelet she'd really like but it's £250. Is it ok to spend family money n that? Also, I wanted you to know because trust is really important in our relationship and of course it would look odd if I bought expensive jewellery for another woman without telling you!". Assuming that conversation did not take place,then he's having an affair.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Jan-13 19:58:07

I'd think you were married to a big, fat but remarkably generous liar....

madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 19:59:12

I found out about the bracelet when I saw the above text he sent.I had no idea until that moment that anything was going on. He admitted buying it for her. I later found the receipt. I got a jewellery box which I handed right back.

Numberlock Thu 17-Jan-13 20:00:02

Of course he's denying as much as he can. And know you're doubting yourself and not sure what to believe. All classic signs.

izzyizin Thu 17-Jan-13 20:03:19

So his bit on the side mistress got a £250 bracelet and you got a jewellery box with fuck all inside it?

Methinks 'tis time you consulted a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law before he squanders more of the potential marital assets on getting his leg over with his fancy piece.

AnAirOfHope Thu 17-Jan-13 20:03:24

£250 shock

I would ask him to leave because i would see it as a) taking money from out children b) paying for sex and c) totally disrepectful to me and a dealbreaker

AbuseHamzaMousseCake Thu 17-Jan-13 20:04:36

You got an empty box and she got the bracelet, you don't need to ask. What you need to do is grow some.
Good luck.

AnAirOfHope Thu 17-Jan-13 20:06:30

(Also by the time the devioce was thru it would be an even more expensive gift and shag as i would take everything hes got <evil bitch emoicon>)

something2say Thu 17-Jan-13 20:07:37

Sorry Madgered xxx

You are divorcing him, right? What a shit.

I bet the only way he is backtracking is because he is scared of financial repercussions from you taking a divorce lawyer.

Uuum, anairofhope - just what I told my solicitor when I found that my STBExH had spent £1000's on his OW. It is still going to be jolly difficult to get any of that money back tho sad

OP - sorry, affair. What you do next is of course up to you, but it was a deal breaker for me.

TyrannosaurusBex Thu 17-Jan-13 20:13:25

Affair. So sorry.

Affair. I'm sorry he's such a cunt. I would be flipping livid.

Walk away from him and nail his bollocks to the wall on the way out

AnyFucker Thu 17-Jan-13 20:18:51

You sound very calm

Are you staying with your adulterous husband ?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 17-Jan-13 20:26:34

I would be livid that he spent some of our hard earned cash on OW and that he has chosen to cheat as a way of resolving his issues.

They always deny and minimise everything.

My advice is to tell him to go away and give you space and time to consider whether you still want to be married to someone who thinks so little of his wife.

Get shirley Glass's Not Just Good Friends.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 17-Jan-13 20:32:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnysss Thu 17-Jan-13 20:42:52

poor you. do you know the ow? what has he said?

SomethingProfound Thu 17-Jan-13 20:43:38

So angry for you!

This is such a horrid betrayal, I agree with others if he is spending that kind of money on her then its an affair.

Don't let him try and talk his way out of this, you deserve better.

I hope your ok Madgered,

Xales Thu 17-Jan-13 20:44:49

What I think?

Did the box and the bracelet come from the same place?

Sounds like he may have spent ages shopping for the perfect gift for the person he really cares about and threw in a box for the person he had to buy a present for while in there.

I can't think of many reasons a married man would spend that much on a woman the only had a little flirtation with...

scottishmummy Thu 17-Jan-13 20:54:07

ok,so ignore the kick his nuts,nail the bastard.usual mn hyperbole
do get practical, keep any collateral evidence texts,receipts if from joint account
if you chose to instruct solicitor it all useful. what a ghastly situation.are you ok?

OpheliasWeepingWillow Thu 17-Jan-13 20:55:56

Sorry unless you are millionaires who give out expensive gifts like sweets he is in love with her.

sad

scottishmummy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:01:46

see you have the receipt,and text. save them safely.thats significant evidence

madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 21:05:42

We're in the early stages of divorce at the moment. This was the bottom line for me.

But because he won't admit it to me and he's told my older DC that it was nothing, and they believe him! It really haunts me. I'm doing really well working through my grief, seeing a counsellor, reading lots of self help books I'm coming out of it now.

But this issue is a persistent bugger that won't go away. I think I would be able to get over it properly if I knew that he really did or didn't. If he really was having an affair or if he was flashing his cash in order to get into her knickers. Either way its awful. But knowing for sure will help me move on. sad

AnyFucker Thu 17-Jan-13 21:08:33

You may never know "for sure" love

Adulterers are liars. The End. Some of them will swear black is white if they think it makes them look better.

Your energies would be better spent working on detaching from him, so that you no longer care.

LesBOFerables Thu 17-Jan-13 21:09:42

I would say with 99% certainty that he was having an affair. It would be very unusual for a man on an ordinary household income to buy a woman expensive jewellery, accompanied by that text message not to be sleeping with her. Short of secret footage of them actually shagging, I'd say that was pretty conclusive evidence.

Numberlock Thu 17-Jan-13 21:15:12

I'd be extremely annoyed he was discussing it with your children, is he trying to get them to take sides?

AnyFucker Thu 17-Jan-13 21:18:20

Involving your children in your relationship is very low indeed

To be honest, I don't think it matters whether it was a proper affair or him trying to get her to have a proper affair with him. Either way his intention was to have an affair. That says everything you need to know. You are much better off without someone who would cheat on you. Now you realise that you can move on with your life.

It doesn't matter that your older DC believe him. That said, I'd be livid that he'd brought them into his and tried to get them on 'his side'. That's really shitty behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Jan-13 21:20:14

You're still sharing a house?

lubeybooby Thu 17-Jan-13 21:20:58

There's no way it was 'nothing'

ledkr Thu 17-Jan-13 21:22:44

I'd cut off his balls with cheese wire.

madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 21:23:54

Im sorry to say the DC heard the fallout when I discovered this on Boxing Day. They needed explanations mainly my 17 and 22 year old. The other two are younger and weren't in earshot. He's accusing me of turning them against him. I haven't mentioned this to them since. I won't unless they ask. My 22year old DD was terribly upset and believes it was just a flirtation. My 17 DS thinks he's an idiot.

People are so stupid, they just don't think about the hurt and destruction they cause.

Pan Thu 17-Jan-13 21:28:28

madgered - I'd appreciate you want clarity in it for your own very good reason.

I'm pretty sure you have the clarity on this thread. You couldn't be clearer short of walking in on it.

and of course he is going to deny it to the dcs if he can't admit it to you.

Darkesteyes Thu 17-Jan-13 21:45:45

This thread is giving me chills. My dad did this to my mum two years ago. But my mum moved into my room when i moved out 21 yrs ago so its not exactly the same.
OP im sorry you are going through this. Id be bloody livid.

scottishmummy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:58:10

I'm always bemused by the kick Him in clackers,kill him,garrote him,peel him shout outs
what exactly does such yo-yo sista hyperbole add?actually nothing it's like Kyle show
get what real life support you can,gather your pals, and accept it's going to be bumpy

Delayingtactic Thu 17-Jan-13 21:59:48

He's either had an affair or was desperately trying to.

Your poor DC. I cannot imagine being ok with my dad having a 'flirtation' - I would be pretty fucking upset.

I understand why this was the final straw for your marriage. If my DH did this now it would be out of the blue but would indicate that the writing was on the wall for our marriage, even though we don't have other probs.

I don't think given that you have adult children that your STBExH will admit to it, unless its years down the line or the DC have given up on him. Whilst he may not have anything to lose admitting it to you, he has a heck of a lot to lose with your DC.

TheSecondComing Thu 17-Jan-13 22:01:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 22:10:41

Yes delayingtactic. you're right. he's not admitting it to me because like you say, he has a lot to lose with the DC. They're not stupid. they know.

whether he did it or not, the intention was/is there. It's the same thing really. Thanks for helping me think it through. I can go on and work through this now and continue through the healing process and move on. Xx

madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 22:13:28

TheSecondComing lol! I did seriously think of taking an ax to it. butt I returned it to him with a very dignified note explaining why I couldn't accept it.

AnAirOfHope Fri 18-Jan-13 01:53:31

Your children will work out the truth in their own time. They are old enough to deal with this like adults but it will be bumpy.

New boundries have to be set that the children are kept out of your marriage and the end of it.

In the end its your relationship with STBXH and he checked out first.

I think i would stone wall the children "I am ending my relationship with my husband because this was unacceptable to me but he is still your Father and loves you".

You will never know everything and that is why you cant have a marrage with this man.

Im sorry you are going thru this but i think you did the right thing and good luck for the future.

ArtsMumma Fri 18-Jan-13 02:37:36

I think you know exactly what you need to do and I really hope that all the advice on here boosts your confidence. You sound dignified and strong and I think you will come through this and be better for it. Wishing you well.

debtherat Fri 18-Jan-13 04:00:27

My OH got jewellery £250, an art print £200 and tickets to a concert £200 for the OW - just for Xmas - she seems to be trying to let him down gently. He didn't tell me about pressies - all my paranoid detective work. The tickets are for tomorrow night. God knows what she will do - I think my DH arranged them to be the great romantic reunion - having dumped the unsupportive, neglectful wife - indulging his new found interest in her music. Bet he is on high alert for a message from her - if she texts wonder how quickly he will be out of door. He's probably booked hotel as well!

Do feel a bit like Emma Thompson from Love Actually - OH helping me to complete my emotional education - it is a new and v. painful lesson in how love can go wrong... see my thread "Where does the love go"?

Have courage and stay posting - really helps to write how you feel I've found - and get emotional support in wee small hours.

madgered Fri 18-Jan-13 07:11:39

Debtherat I feel for you. I don't know if he's still seeing her or if he's in the same position as your DH. She might have scampered after she knew I found out. he's on high text/phone alert too. Never leaves it out of his grasp.

Anyway I'm getting him out of my life now, scary as it sometimes feels. but emotionally, I know it's for the best.

I shall read your thread. all the best x

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 08:39:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 08:30:07

I'm still obsessing about this blooming expensive bracelet he bought her for Christmas. help me stop. I just can't shake it.

Numberlock Sat 19-Jan-13 08:44:58

It's horrible when you can't stop thinking about something awful isn't it? Have you got something nice planned this weekend?

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 08:56:57

Ok temporary solution. I went on the Links website and I bought myself a bracelet valued at 295.00 using the credit card. Choices in that price bracket were limited to 3. Hopefully I haven't chosen the same one he chose for her! If so I will keep you posted on the reaction.

Numberlock, thank you I went to a Scottish reeling party last night. I had a fantastic time despite feeling anxious about going alone. Everyone was kind and gentle and attentive to me, even though at some points in the evening I desperately missed having a husband. I cried about their kindness when I got into bed last night.

Numberlock Sat 19-Jan-13 09:00:22

madge That's fab about your night out, good for you.

Oh and wouldn't it have been a shame if you'd 'accidentally' ordered all 3 bracelets by mistake?

grannysapple Sat 19-Jan-13 09:22:23

OP, I think it's so soon after discovery that trying to stop obsessing is a lot to ask of yourself right now. It's a natural response and it will pass.

I think the truth will out at some point but by then you will have moved on, and it won't matter so much. In the meantime as others have said, start the legal process and you'll feel less like you're running to catch up with events and more like you're in charge of what happens next. smile

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 23:13:26

I sent him an email explaining how I felt about the discovery and how hurt I was by him actively Persuing another woman whilst we were working on our marriage. I also said that although they might not have had sex, the intention was there and he was having a relationship with OW even if it wasn't at that stage a sexual one (which I still doubt). It helped sending that. I would never be able to say it to him, it would end in a yelling match.

the sooner I get over this the better. dealing with this and divorce is sheer hell

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:21:05

What do you hope to gain from sending this E mail though?

I think it sends mixed messages tbh.

If you're divorcing him, it's just best to start living separately now and give the impression that you don't give a shit if he's screwing around, as long as he parents his kids and pays what's due.

I think sending him E mails like this leaves him an opener to try to talk you down from divorce. It also tells him that you aren't certain he's had a full affair (when he has of course) Is that what you want?

One day you will be glad your H bought that bloody bracelet because it cemented his guilt and pushed your anger to a place where you had to do something about it.

If all you had to go on was an ambiguous text, you could have been stuck in marriage forever wondering if anything happened.

And FWIW definitely an affair. If I was having an 'innocent flirt' with someone, there is no way I'd buy them a expensive present as it would look desperate and actually be quite awkward and embarrassing.

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 23:33:00

I sent it because I want to express my feelings about his behavior. I want him to know that he has hurt me. I feel that it has helped clear the air for me, at least. I've said my piece, I was never able to say it to him because everything became too fraught. tbh I dont really care if he thinks I'm not certain about whether he had sex with her or not.

we are still living in the same house with the DC. I no longer prepare his meals or do his laundry. I know I will never go back to this man. he has crossed the line and I know I deserve better.

Writing that email feels like I've expelled a demon. I've set my hurt free. if he's confused by it, then that's his problem.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:37:04

That must be a nightmare atmosphere to live in - for you all but especially the kids.

I'm puzzled why you left any room for doubt about your beliefs that he has had a full affair, but what's done is done now.

How soon can you live separately?

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 19-Jan-13 23:43:06

Such a sad situation for you are you able to tell him to leave?

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 23:48:06

yes it is a nightmare. he won't leave because he wants the house and I won't leave for the same reason.
We tend lo leave each other alone. when one of us is watching TV the other will go and do something else. the interesting one will be the meal senario. I told him I was no longer prepared to share meals or cook for him. the reaction was priceless! But what did he expect.
We are trying our best to be good around the children. lots of love. he's away at the mo. So it's bliss.
I guess until the divorce happens we'll be stuck together. god I hope I get the house. losing it will be worse than the discovery of the OW!

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:53:53

What has your solicitor advised? AFAIK you can move out but retain your financial interest in a house until it's sold. Or can you buy him out?

I really would move heaven and earth to live separately because however much you think you're being civilised, it's not nice for kids to see their dad eating separate meals - even if they do think he's been a dick.

Houses are bricks and mortar, but your kids might be haunted by memories for years to come about this period in their lives (speaks from bitter experience).

Catchingmockingbirds Sat 19-Jan-13 23:54:36

£250 for a Christmas present would suggest full blown affair to me sorry.

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 00:05:17

yes badinage you are so right about the children. Sorry you have bad memories. I have decided to cook for them and me. I will feed them earlier and I will eat later when they're in bed or watching Telly, so they don't notice. Dad will have to do the same.

my solicitor has advised me to stay. I can't rent anywhere because I don't have an income - SAHM - DH has put the squeeze on finances. my solicitor is applying for a maintenance order at the moment.

such a twat!

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 00:08:23

can you retain the house op?on your one salary after divorce?
may be you both split proceed and you both downsize
what's your solicitor advise ?

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 00:13:08

kids are 17 and 22 you have better choice re employment,not curtailed by school run
do look into work training you'll need to move out the housewife role.big transition
it's time to gather all support you can it will be hard until thingssettkr

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 08:37:16

DH earns a big salary, hence being able to buy such an expensive gift for a "flirtation". We have other properties that he can sell and use to buy himself a new home. They are all in his name.

I have younger children ages 5 and 13. work and childcare costs will be huge. I do need to find something to do for when the 5 year old reaches 18. heavens knows what. I haven't worked for 22 years! By the time my 5 year old reaches 18 I'll be in my 60's. sobering thought! I suppose working in a school could be an option.

so scary when your husband decides to have a midlife crisis and leaves when you're approaching your 50's !

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 20-Jan-13 09:19:33

You need to consider training and going back to work now that youngest is at school even its it voluntary work. It will be good for your self esteem and enable you to meet people and be less dependent on him.

As for the properties, you are entitled to at least 50% of these. I would talk to your solicitor again about getting him out - surely he can afford to rent somewhere on his big fat salary.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 12:38:53

madge why do you want to delay working you need to start thinking voluntary work now
if youngest is 5yo at school use that time,online search will do it,what interests you
you cannot seriously be saying no work til 5yo us 18. your circumstance has change you're not a housewife anymore

Darkesteyes Sun 20-Jan-13 17:28:57

SAHM - DH has put the squeeze on finances. my

Then when you next see your solicitor you can add financial abuse to reasons for divorce as well as adultery.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:37:54

nonetheless days of being housewife to the well paid man are numbered
so look for voluntary work to get exp and start thinking about employment
wouldn't he have to share any child care costs under pr anyway?

lemonstartree Sun 20-Jan-13 17:46:23

Madgered, you seem to have the attitide that he must support you. I find this 'poor me, I'm a SAHM I can't work, but I'll get the house....' pathetic. FFS WHY have you not worked for 22 years ? and given that your marriage seems to be in the toilet why are you not making plans to support yourself ?

the kids - yes, he should help to support them - but why should he support you for ever ? a couple of years diminishing spousal maintenance is all you should expect - with the expectation you will be in FT work at the latest by the time the youngest is 11...

hes been an arse yes, but you sound entitled, greedy and lazy.

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 17:48:25

yes you all have a valid point there . I guess I'm just nervous about working again after 23 years of not working. I have no idea what to do.

After my divorce I'll have to have some readjustment time and work out what to do. I feel it's early days yet to start making decisions to work. I need to look after myself and heal. after that, perhaps I'll have a clearer idea.

delilahlilah Sun 20-Jan-13 17:50:18

Wow... I thought I was on AIBU then.... little bit harsh. If they have been in a position that she could be a SAHM due to his income, then that is their business. I fully agree that it would be good to look for something in school time, but if I could afford not to work because of DH's salary prior to kids being school age then I would choose to have the time with my children too. It's personal choice. You may finnd that he encouraged / expected the OP to stay home. He is surprised that she doesn't want to feed him etc now afterall....

delilahlilah Sun 20-Jan-13 17:52:19

Op, you have many options. Look at things you can do from home or maybe something voluntary during school hours to get you started. It will help you to heal meeting new people and creating your own new life. Good luck OP

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 17:57:19

Lemonstartree I have not worked because I have chosen to be a mum to my 4 DC. my DH wanted me to be a mum and housewife and never asked me to go out and find a job because what Im doing is a valuable part of our partnership. I live in the middle of nowhere, I supported my husband throughout the building up of his career. I have sat on committees for charities, helped out on the school PTA. There is no way anyone could say I'm pathetic, entitled, greedy and lazy.

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 18:11:27

Whatever possessed you to buy yourself a Links bracelet on his credit card, honey?

Haven't you heard of Harry Winston or Cartier? wink

I suggest you send it back and buy yourself a classy investment piece.

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 18:19:56

I know! izzyizin smile

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:20:41

all good experience then.do a cv think about work, given you've done stuff
you cannot seriously entertain not working for another 13yrs? why?
regards child care you use after school,cm,summer club you get on with it like everyone else.you no longer have the buffer of a rich husband. to maintain you as housewife

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:26:45

look after self and heal sounds v woolly.you need to get a pragmatic plan.not therapy speak
you're facing a v significant life change.will be hard you need to crunch numbers
get a plan, and yes do include work.don't be defined by your divorce

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 18:39:37

yes I agree with you scottishmummy. But one step at a time.

reasonstobecheerful Sun 20-Jan-13 19:03:22

madgered have been there with the jewellery, my xh gave me a very expensive piece of jewellery one Christmas, most out of character for the tight sod. Well a week later he did a bunk and in chatting later on to OW it turned out this bauble had been meant for her but she turned it down so I got it. When questioned he said he'd bought us one each. The bank statement, oddly, only showed one. I sold it on ebay :-)
You say you haven't worked for a long time, I had never worked, I am ok, it isn't brilliant but it's better than living a lie. You will be ok.

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 19:24:00

thanks reasonstobecheerful xx

mammadiggingdeep Sun 20-Jan-13 19:32:55

Lemon.......please tell me your post was a wind up?? I hope you're not a woman?! Why has she not worked for 22 years?? She sounds greedy and entitled???! No, you're having a laugh aren't you?!

Op.....please ignore that rubbish- you are not greedy. What you've been doing for 22 years is totally valid and you could nit have forseen yourself being in this situation.

Good luck and listen to the posters who are giving you constructive help and advice xx

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 20:50:42

Thank you mammadiggingdeep. I will ignore it. I value myself and my contributions to our family. No one is going to take that away from me.

Everyone here has been very helpful and they have certainly given me lots to consider about moving on, finding a job and how to overcome my grief at what's happened so unexpectedly in my life. Xx

lemonstartree Sun 20-Jan-13 21:49:56

no, not a wind up. And I am female. I am not criticizing your choices, they are yours as a family. But yu are not a family any more and I do detest the attitude that the world (and your exH) owes you a living because you have been fortunate so far.Ttalking about maybe having to work in 13 years time is just ... freeloading tbh

doi a woman who earned far more than her ex H and paid the price....

winterdays Sun 20-Jan-13 22:50:11

You have had a job - you are / were rearing 4 children and it doesn't get easier when they get to eleven. You enabled him to develop his career you are entitled to support or rather your share.
I'm a single parent who has always worked but you and he made a valid decision for what was best for your family. He is the one who broke his vows and you and your children should not be penalised.
Yes you do need to heal yourself
Lemon you sound very bitter you may be a kinder, less judgemental, angry person with a bit of therapy

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 23:42:02

as op herself says she's not worked,shes been housewife,now circs changed
staying at home isn't job,and pragmatically given finances soon to change I'd advise op work

and winter whilst on of you may not like to hear it housewifery is not regarded as job.I think don't spend too long swimming in lake therapy.you heal by activity and dont be defined by divorce.get job, move on

spending time attacking anyone who dare assert housewife isn't a job,well that will keep you busy winter.presumably you're housewife is that why you're so touchy?

madgered Mon 21-Jan-13 07:20:34

this thread is becoming stressy and unhelpful sad

Longdistance Mon 21-Jan-13 08:02:50

The op has come on here for advice not criticism. It drives me nuts when MNers come on here criticizing the op. Not helpful at all.

I still can't believe he bought the ow such an expensive bracelet. It's like getting a slap in the face sad I'm not surprised you're still obsessing about it, I would.

As for practicalities, if the other properties are in his name, it means nothing. Make sure you get yourself a good solicitor sorted so all the financial stuff can get sorted out asap.

At least you're able to avoid each other.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 09:24:04

madge I agree that your number one priority is getting legal advice today/early this week. Go for a free half hour consultation at first if you wish. I think you will more settled/stronger once you know exactly what your rights are.

scottishmummy Mon 21-Jan-13 10:12:24

yes get decent legal advice
write a to do list
look at what needs prioritizing
yes thread shouldn't have digressed to general points

ProphetOfDoom Mon 21-Jan-13 11:22:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Mon 21-Jan-13 11:26:13

I watched a fab movie last night called 'Its complicated'. It's my life! but 10 years down the line. Whoever wrote it is so insightful and sensitive. Even tho it was a piece of fiction, it still resonated with me and it gave me an idea scottishmummy about how I might plan for future employment.

I've booked my self onto a 1 day patisserie course. I love cooking and.....well.....who knows.

Meantime, my OP is still seriously haunting me, but from what others are saying, I will eventually get over it. Planning, positive affirmations and listing day to day chores is helping me get through this awful grief. Xx

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 21-Jan-13 14:39:49

You do sound a bit stronger today. The course sounds good - it is so important to rebuild your life by developing your hobbies, interests and network of friends.

I hope you are getting decent legal advice from your solicitor - if in doubt, there is no harm in meeting with another one offering a free half hour to see if you are getting everything you are entitled to legally.

comingintomyown Mon 21-Jan-13 15:04:48

madgered I am so sorry you are going through this

My XH left 3 years ago with an OW lurking in the mix after 17 years together and I was heartbroken for a while. I am so glad I wasnt on MN then listening to people telling me to move on, forget therapy,get to a solicitor immediately etc.

It took 3 months before I was ready to go to a solicitor and start thinking in legal terms.

I spent a lot of time reading self help stuff, saw a therapist basically did everything in my power to move on but it took time and patience with myself.

I was more or less a SAHM for 15 years and knew in my mid forties I would have to get back to work and fend for myself.

I did some back to work type courses including a decent level computing course and getting my maths GCSE .

I am back working FT this past 18 months in a low paid job but knew I had to start somewhere.

Its been a journey with some real ups and downs but once we had moved house, sorted our finances and I began my new life I am actually happier than I had been for some years in my marriage.

The early months are very difficult though and unless someone has been through it themselves they have no conception of how hard it is

madgered Mon 21-Jan-13 18:04:45

comingintomyown Thank you for your positive post. It's a relief to hear from so many others that they are happier than they were towards the end of their marriages.

MatureUniStudent Mon 21-Jan-13 20:42:45

I take exception to Lemon - you have stayed at home and worked hard to bring up your children, ensuring and facilitating your husband's career.

Teenagers need support and help. They don't suddenly not need you and teenager years are rocky. Furthermore it is a good investment for the future of our society, if you can afford, and choose to stay at home to finish the child rearing. It sounds as if you can afford it, as you spoke of selling other properties. It most certainly is not sponging off your ex h - jobs are impossible to find these days, he has one, and a good one, thanks to your unstinted support at home. It left him free to forge his career.

For your own self, and brain - take a course, go part time in college, do anything that might help you at a later date, if you need to get a job.

But I fail to see Lemon's point of view, that suddenly, by virtue of a divorce and no easy job to just magically step into, that you are sponging off your husband. Far better you sponge off him than have to claim benefits. It means society dosen't have to pay for your divorce.

comingintomyown Mon 21-Jan-13 22:06:27

Agree Mature I chose to ignore her nasty tirade

winterdays Mon 21-Jan-13 22:11:53

Be kind to yourself.
Get all the support you can from friends - most people want to help
Don't listen to negative comments - some people have their own past baggage they are still carrying - like us all in some ways.
Counselling and self help books can be great help - certainly helped me.
I was so unhappy when my husband had an affair after many years of marriage.
I described it as a fog I couldn't see out of but now further along the line I am very, very happy and have grown in ways I would not have thought possible before the divorce.
Go on courses if you are up to it - especially fun or creative ones - choose something you have always wanted to do and go for it.
Schedule in special time and activities to do with each of your children beyond the usual.
It will get better - thank god I have a great life now and I know you will

madgered Tue 22-Jan-13 07:17:05

thank you so much your kind words mean a lot to me ladies.

Abitwobblynow Tue 22-Jan-13 08:40:17

madge I am in exactly your boat SAHM etc.

But my H has admitted in writing he wouldn't be where he was without me.

What is your H doing/saying now? Does he want out? Or was he looking for a bit on the side?

Abitwobblynow Tue 22-Jan-13 08:42:49

(My H does NOT want a divorce and ended things with OW immediately, so this complicates things for me as I am stuck with devastation and hurt but someone who wants to carry on as though it were a 'mistake'. So it is my hurt feelings v the kids, model of my parents sticking it out, people around me sticking it out, cost of divorce etc. Very hard to work out what to do)

sassy34264 Tue 22-Jan-13 13:05:08

shock at lemon

If she had only been married 1 or 2 years and was still in her 20's, i might have some understanding with your pov. But she has been out of work for 22 years. He made the decision with her to give their children a sahm. Why should the 2 youngest lose out now because he's an old fool? It's bad enough they will not experience a mum and dad together (esp the 5 year old) without having to spend hours at a childminders before and after school, when they don't need to, just because some people think it's morally wrong to take spousal support.

I'm firmly of the opinion that you would only be getting the money owed to you, for child minding, cleaning, ironing, gardening, etc over the 22 years.

I wouldn't let society force me into taking a job over bringing my children up, when they're not even fucking paying for it! Ignore ignore ignore.

<blood boiling>

And i think if he's got a spare £250 to spend on some floozy, he can ensure his children get the best possible life from the circumstances/fallout.

madgered Tue 22-Jan-13 13:28:17

[Abitwobblynow] Sorry to hear you're going through heartache xoxo

Sounds like your H is genuinely sorry and loves you very much. You have something to work on, if your heart and gut tell you it's the right thing.

My H def wants to leave me. Because I'm horrible don't let him see his friends etc, etc. I won't believe that because I know I'm not perfect but I'm also not all of those things all of the time. I've asked him many times if he's sure that's what he wants and everytime, he says yes, it's what he wants. It's what I want too now after all these revelations.

He still absolutely denies anything went on. I don't believe him. He says he isn't in touch with her anymore. I don't believe him. He shows no remorse whatsoever.

We no longer speak to each other, other than arrangements for children. Our home is large enough for us to avoid each other.

I still cry and obsess about what happened. But I know in my heart I will be happier without him. I am just so gutted that my family unit has been destroyed by his Midlife crisis. For that is what it is. He's followed the script word for word.

Keep well and lots of love to you.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-Jan-13 13:33:38

I am not saying its morally wrong to take spousal support - but the reality is that OP will need to look at developing her own skills, experience and knowledge so that she is in a good position to re enter the job market when her DC are old enough.

I am in full agreement that she needs to get everything she is entitled to from her H although I would be surprised if she will be able to claim maintenance after her DC have reached the age of 18...

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-Jan-13 13:36:45

Sounds like your H is genuinely sorry and loves you very much.

I don't see anything to suggest this? confused

sassy34264 Tue 22-Jan-13 13:47:35

madaboutchoc

She said she will be in her 60's when the 5 year is 18.

Not directed at you mad just general musing-

Perhaps they should sign an agreement stating he shall work, whilst she gives up her chance of career, high earnings etc to look after the children, not until they are all 18, but until he decides that it no longer suits him?

I don't doubt that some women take on courses, meet new people, find a job they love, get independence and freedom from entering the work place. My point isn't that she shouldn't (if she chooses to), it's that she shouldn't be forced by society who view her input only relevant when they are a mum and dad unit. WTAF!

Maybe i have too much faith that a man would want to keep the status quo for the sake of his children. hmm

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-Jan-13 13:54:48

And also spousal maintenance is said to be very unusual nowadays. Thought OP would be in her 50s when youngest is 18?

As for expecting a man to support his ex & DC - have you seen the threads on here where the cheating lying husband goes back on all his promises to support his family? This is also seen in my RL - e.g my DH's father walked out leaving them all penniless despite promises to look after them and the same goes for ex BIL who is very difficult about paying up thanks to OW pulling all the strings....

Also what happens if the ex dies? how will OP support herself then?

Jeez lemontree! What a vile post. Just what the OP needs - kicking when she's down hmm

FWIW I have always been a WOHM. Not entirely through choice. But if both H and I chose for me to stay home I would have done without any guilt at all.

So sorry OP

sassy34264 Tue 22-Jan-13 14:31:48

Yes, unfortunately mad i have seen them. It's bloody tragic. I also know first hand that they don't. I have had a conversation/musing with DP about how there are hardly any good male role models among our family and friends, and we came to the startling conclusion that all those that had a good relationship with their dad (2) - were ALL still married to their mum. Bringing me us rightly or wrongly to the conclusion that the mum picks up his slack.

Disclaimer- based on our friends and family- not the whole world.

I am a sahm and wouldn't get a job just on the off chance that dp might die. ??

Wouldn't she have the money from half the assets/houses?

sassy34264 Tue 22-Jan-13 14:35:27

Should say (3) not (2)

Numberlock Tue 22-Jan-13 14:55:57

sassy I know your comment is only based on your circle of family/friends but I'm putting forward the case for some divorced dads being good role models. Me and my ex-husband have been divorced for 10+ years and we've had our 3 sons 50-50 split ever since. Happy to help each other out when work requires us to swap days etc. (No maintenance/child support payments given on either side if that makes any difference.) I like to think that we are both good role models for our boys, despite not living together.

I agree with you though - sadly my dating experiences tell me this is far from the norm but I'm aware of cases where this is due to blame on both the mum and dad's side.

I am a sahm and wouldn't get a job just on the off chance that dp might die

Death is an extreme example - there are lots of other scenarios where one parent/partner can have reduced earning capacity, either temporarily or permanently.

In terms of employment, obviously the OP should do whatever she feels most comfortable with and is best for her family. And the thought of any big change can be scary. But work (paid or voluntary, part-time or full-time) could open up a new world of opportunities for her so it's definitely worth considering now her circumstances are about to change.

Abitwobblynow Tue 22-Jan-13 14:59:25

Choc - confused me too! Ha ha!

Madge, if he does he has a VERY funny way of showing it wink

This stuff is so hard. Mid Life Crisis affairs tend to be either exit affairs or split self affairs.

With an exit affair there is nothing you can do. He wants out and that is it.

My H's was a split self affair. He hid it VERY well (the level of his cunning was shock) and when I started talking about ending it would be nicer to me to give me hope.

So although my gut was screaming at me that there was someone, I genuinely thought I was dealing with his depression.

And that is what his IC focusses on: his depression angry.

So if you absolutely don't want to d yet in the hope that he comes to his senses, you could manage it by arranging a 2 year separation? Then live as though he is never coming back.

Abitwobblynow Tue 22-Jan-13 15:00:12

I forgot to add after my angry - even depressed people have morals and know right from wrong angry

madgered Tue 22-Jan-13 16:50:19

I'm convinced his is an exit affair. He's adamant he wants a divorce.

[numberlock] Explain to me how the 50-50 childcare works. H wants that. I'm not so convinced.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-Jan-13 17:01:09

50:50 is when DC live with you half the week and with him the other half. This includes all school holidays and weekends. Specifics will need to be agreed between you both but I would ensure that you both get equal amounts of child free weekends.

However, in many cases 50;50 child access do not work out because the father realises that he has to fit his working hours around the DC and do half the mundane routine tasks. Its amazing how often they demand 50;50 child access at the start and quickly backtrack....

lemonstartree Tue 22-Jan-13 17:05:59

I'm sorry I have upset so many people, It was not my intention. FWIW I am neither bitter nor unkind, angry or judgemental.

I agree that the OP should seek advice asap about her legal rights and position wrt child maintinance and spousal support.

I was trying to point out that EXPECTING that your life will remain unchanged in the event of a divorce is (almost always) completely unrealistic. Even if you are the higher earner and were divorced because your OH was a drug addict and child abuser, you will still end up significantly poorer than if you had not divorced. That is reality. So for OP to imagine that her intention to be a SAHP and housewife for ever will be supported by her STBXH is likley to be unrealistic.

That is all.

In that circumstance, I think advising the OP that she may be required to seek employment is neither unhelpful nor unkind.

madgered Tue 22-Jan-13 17:41:30

hotchoc I hope he realises that in my case. Bit up and down for the DC's I would imagine.

lemonstartree Don't worry hun. You're entitled to your opinion and I've taken your advice on board. It is a sobering thought and I'm glad you pointed it out.

houseelfdobby Tue 22-Jan-13 18:05:20

lemon I am not sure you realise what the world was like 22 years ago if you had babies - you were basically forced out of the work place if you were in a professional career (eg in the city). I had no maternity rights with my oldest as I had been in the job less than 24 months and had no job to go back to, and minimal rights with my second (I found a new job when DD1 was 8 weeks old) for the same reason except the law had suddenly given me the right to my job back. I was then forced out of my job after DD2 as the company said "they would not employ any women at all" if we insisted on maternity leave and I was simply not well enough to return to work after 3 weeks (yes, I did sue them but that basically made me unemployable afterwards so wasn't worth it).

Also, if a couple mutually agree for one to be a SAHP, the responsibility that the other gradually takes on (and certainly after 22 years) is to finance the SAHP. I earned more than my DH before DC, now, 20 years later, I would be lucky to earn 5-10% of what he does. My going back to work would be a nonsense (I manage our investments at home, possibly like the OP as she mentions a property portfolio). It is NOT a sense of the WORLD owing the OP a living - it is her STBXH who owes her a decent old age as she has used up the best years of her life bringing up his DC at his request (I assume). All the very richest couples I know make the decision for ONE to be a SAHP as a mega job requires domestic back up. I include a lot of women with high flying jobs that I know.

I would agree with you lemon if the OP were proposing to rely on benefits - everyone has a duty not to burden the taxpayer unless they absolutely need to - but she and her DH had a deal and now it's his turn to come good on it.

BTW if you are in fact very wealthy, OP, then a £250 bracelet could well be just an affectionate token. I often spend that on my friends' presents and they are not lovers!!

comingintomyown Tue 22-Jan-13 18:05:22

In my financial settlement I was awarded 3 years of spousal maintenance as that was deemed by us both as a fair period of time for me to get back on my feet

I started at the bottom 18 months ago and time will tell but hopefully by the time child maintenance stops I will be fully self sufficient. There are still plenty of cases of spousal maintenance in a long marriage and as the youngest DC is only 5yo I am sure it will apply here. A friend of mine divorced 3 years ago had spousal maintenance for life unless she remarries.

Hows your day been today madgered ?

Numberlock Tue 22-Jan-13 18:13:30

Hi madge. Re 50:50, I have the boys Monday and Tuesday nights, they go to their dads Wed and Thurs and we do alternate weekends Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. We swap if we need to, usually work-related, and fit round each other holiday-wise. I moved out of the marital home, he gave me 50% of the equity. No spousal maintenance or child maintenance needed to be paid on either side.

It's worked fine for us for ten years, they are now 17, 17 and 14.

Numberlock Tue 22-Jan-13 18:16:08

Some bad mouthing of divorced dads on here...

madgered Tue 22-Jan-13 18:18:12

comingintomyown Thank you. I spent the morning with the bank manager trying to make sense of our joint accounts and what I could withdraw on a daily basis. DH has restricted access to money. There is an auto top up that happens every night that keeps the account £1.00 in credit. Its very scary dealing with an overdrawn bank account. She was great and agreed not to freeze the bank account. Gave me lots of advice on how to keep afloat.

Meanwhile my solicitor is seeking a maintenance order. His solicitors are saying it's too much blah blah blah and so it goes.

And then I went to see my counsellor and sobbed for an hour.

After that, school runs, swimming lessons, dinner and a bottle of bubbly because my oldest DD got a first in her uni oral. After that I have to see the Arse when he returns from his working 'late, seeing homewrecker' night in London.
smile

madgered Tue 22-Jan-13 18:20:01

numberlock yes. A lot of them are innocent too. But they know they are and shouldn't be offended.

Nice to see the anti SAHM out grinding their axes as usual.

Yes, I'm sure the OP will need to
reenter the job market at some point, but let's not chastise her for not putting an application form for the local supermarket already...

The anti SAHM brigade, I meant to say.

sassy34264 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:45:32

To be fair i didn't bad mouth divorced dads per se, just the one's i know. grin

And i am talking of our dads, mine and dp's, and a lot of our friends dads. Not any of the younger generation, where they might have a different idea of parenting etc.

I know of 3 men who have full custody of their children, but they are not friends or family.

Crumblingslowly Tue 22-Jan-13 18:58:10

madgeredyou sound like a very strong person to me & deserve better.just wanted to tell you a positive story about a dear friend of mine who went through the same & is now well & truly out the other side.
Her controlling H discouraged/prevented her from working(I'm not suggesting yours did but this was her situation),she was a SAHM for many years bringing up the DCs.

He met OW (20 yrs younger),his behaviour during the split was cruel & vile.She went through some tough times...BUT...eventually she got some part-time voluntary work.This was an absolute saviour as she met other women going through similar & added further meaning to her day other than fighting with XH.

The voluntary work led to paid work...she is now independent & the happiest I've ever known her.
I mean genuinely happy,prior to this she went through much self-doubt & anxieties but the work really helped her to re-build her self-esteem.
She had no formal training or much work experience that she could use in the "modern" workplace...so the volunteering was a God-send.

Just wanted to add to your collection of positive stories so you know that if other people can do it...so will you.Whichever path you choose I wish you so much luck & eventually happiness.
xx

Numberlock Tue 22-Jan-13 19:47:56

Why do you pick the example of a job at the local supermarket, squalor? And is anyone who has worked as a parent automatically against those who haven't?

And sassy I was referring to whoever said about dads giving up on the 50:50 split once the reality kicked in.

Numberlock Tue 22-Jan-13 19:50:42

Anyway we seem to have gone off track slightly, I think that the biggest thing that would help you in the immediate future madge would be living separately from your husband and I hope that both sets of solicitors are working to achieve that ASAP.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 22-Jan-13 20:12:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Tue 22-Jan-13 21:43:16

congratulations on your daughter achievement at uni,she must be over moon

madgered Wed 23-Jan-13 17:10:05

thank you . I'm proud of her for staying so focussed during all this hell.

My links bracelet arrived in the post. v expensive for something that doesn't feel good quality. Pretty tho.

had a pow wow with the girls at lunch today. so I'm feeling strong. need to face H now that he's home from his travels. hiss Spit.

tomorrow I'm dedicating my day to getting Sussed with legal stuff.

madgered Wed 23-Jan-13 17:11:24

oh and I've booked myself on a pastry course. it's only a one day course. but it's a start.

scottishmummy Wed 23-Jan-13 19:03:55

small steps right direction,little by little
play to your strenghths
expect bumps ahead and dont let it keep you down

Abitwobblynow Thu 24-Jan-13 07:31:50

Madge if his is an exit affair, then he is going to have to pay for it.

The 50:50 is a way of not paying you, resist this, or at least make sure there is some sort of cluase which increases your payments if they end up being at home more with you. You know:

1. it will really get in the way of his big romeo action with OW
2. the reality will pall pretty quick, and they will end up with you.

Abitwobblynow Thu 24-Jan-13 07:32:35

Is he adamant he wants a divorce and he wants it right now?

InsertWittyUsername Thu 24-Jan-13 08:33:34

I often hear it said that men want 50/50 to avoid paying child maintenance, however for someone using CSA rates the difference between child maintenance for 50:50 and child maintenance for 3 or 4 nights a week is actually very small. It makes no logical or financial sense that any man would use 50/50 to save on child maintenance. Any man who is able to do simple sums with money will work out in about 5 minutes that actually the cheapest option for them is minimal access.

madgered Thu 24-Jan-13 10:34:46

He realizes that he is going to miss his DC dearly. which is totally understandable. that's why he's gunning for the 50:50 split.

InsertWittyUsername Thu 24-Jan-13 10:38:12

madgered In my experience that is why men want shared residency. I have 50/50 with my ex and it's the norm in my friends circle. I know 5 dads in total with it.

Numberlock Thu 24-Jan-13 11:31:42

I would do everything possible to encourage 50:50 shared care (agreed between yourselves, not via the courts).

madgered Thu 24-Jan-13 11:42:07

So it won't impact on the child maintenance I get from him you recon.

What about if he can't do his share because of work commitments? Do you have do do a dance around that? I'm not sure I could be that flexible ( I've done enough skipping around) . I want to know where I am and I also don't want him to start hiring babysitters etc to help him with school runs and tea etc.

dequoisagitil Thu 24-Jan-13 11:55:52

You won't be able to influence whether he uses babysitters in his time, but you can be as firm as you like about access. It may take a bit of determination to stick by "it's not my problem/you'll have to sort something else out" if he tries to prat about with times/days.

InsertWittyUsername Thu 24-Jan-13 12:00:49

It will impact the amount of child maintenance, of course. As it should because your costs will be reduced. What I was saying is that it doesn't make enough of a difference vs. effort of having children to support the theory that fathers go for 50/50 to save money.

Numberlock Thu 24-Jan-13 12:04:56

I would add - don't mix the two issues - encourage him to spend as much time as possible with his children (up to 50% of course); maintenance is a separate thing, don't confuse the two.

Also it would only be reasonable to expect to show some flexibility on both sides if you have to swap the occasional night/weekend.

madgered Thu 24-Jan-13 13:30:07

Yes, OK I see what you're saying.

I agree numberlock in time I may feel reasonable. At the moment I want to be bitch from hell. Hopefully by the time that's all sorted. I will have calmed down.

InsertWittyUsername Thu 24-Jan-13 13:36:02

madgered Try to think of it as being flexible for your children, not him. Try to think of contact time as time for your children to get a good amount of time with their parent (which they deserve), not something he's getting. You don't want to be bitch from hell to your children, I am absolutely sure! smile

madgered Thu 24-Jan-13 14:43:11

No. You're right. I need to prioritise.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 24-Jan-13 19:12:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Sun 27-Jan-13 17:55:41

I'm feeling so down and crap and he's walking around cheerful and whistling.

Numberlock Sun 27-Jan-13 18:00:55

What steps are you taking to arrange separate living, OP?

madgered Sun 27-Jan-13 18:59:22

he refuses to move out. I cant. We try to avoid each other. I don't cook for him and tonight for the first time he's cooked, but not for me. Which is good, what I want. but today's been tough. Our DS had a music concert and we all travelled together to see him and had to spend the day together. I found it hard, it's set me back. He seems quite cheerful. I just want to kill him every time I have to look at him. any tips would be very helpful. trying to maintain no contact is impossible.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 19:08:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Sun 27-Jan-13 20:07:07

I'll look into the occupation order. We're in the early stages of divorce at the moment. he isn't unpleasant or abusive. my solicitor says there isn't anything I can do unless he's abusive . I'm just so hurt by what he's done, I'm finding it hard even just hearing him move around. AArgh!
I've lost 1/2 stone since Christmas! looking quite hot actually!

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 21:00:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Mon 28-Jan-13 06:59:21

I've done something really silly. I've managed to get hold of his phone. I've hidden it and I'm going to try and hack into it. I need to know if he's still seeing her. I know this is bad and compulsive behavior. he's going nuts trying to find it, suspects I've got it. Oh god what am I doing. should I just throw it away?

ProphetOfDoom Mon 28-Jan-13 17:11:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Mon 28-Jan-13 20:20:29

Yes it is password protected and it was on vibrate. Couldn't crack the password.

I felt so awful about it I got rid of it and threw it in the river! My guilt will haunt me for days. At least I won't turn crimson when he employs our entire household for a second day of searching.

That was one of my maddest psycho moments and I'm not proud. I hope I don't have anymore of these episodes. Horrible feeling.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 28-Jan-13 22:06:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 28-Jan-13 22:07:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Tue 29-Jan-13 20:09:40

He's furious. Can't get in touch with OW.

He's convinced I've got it. I just look disinterested. grin

scottishmummy Tue 29-Jan-13 20:12:32

I hope you delete history when youre finished on mums net,and laptop/ipad/ phone

ProphetOfDoom Tue 29-Jan-13 20:32:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Absolutelylost Wed 30-Jan-13 00:55:08

I laughed at the waterborne phone, my fantasies are around throwing it on the fire in front of him. I do regularly pop into the kitchen and sneakily turn the wifi on and off again - the 'poor connection' drives him wild!

badinage Wed 30-Jan-13 01:11:47

I don't think this atmosphere is at all healthy for you and the children.

It can take a long time till divorce and the sale of houses. It really isn't worth living under the same roof until that happens.

It's all very well for solicitors to say 'sit tight' and 'you can't force him to move out' but they are giving legal advice, not advice about the emotions involved or the harm all this does to children.

Can you at least try to sit down with him and have a civil conversation about how this living together is bad for you all and as he has other properties, it would be better for him to move out? Or for you all to move into one of them, or rent another? You can get something legally drawn up in the interim that will protect your financial interests in owned properties.

Please don't let this go on all the way till divorce. It's very bad for all of you. While I understand you trying to get into his phone and doing what you did with it, all this just raises the temperature of an already volatile situation.

madgered Wed 30-Jan-13 14:02:14

I know. I wrote him a letter a week ago asking him to please give me some space to get over my awful shock at his revelations. I explained that I need to work through my grief and I need to adjust to my new life as a single mother. therefore I will no longer do things for him and with him, ie cook his meals, washing etc. To be fair he has respected my wishes and has kept out of the way. He probably feels the same!

he has now been conversing with me via email, which has thrown up it's own set of problems. He feels free to be incredibly abusive. So I've put a stop to that by blocking him.

We no longer discuss the divorce. it is now handled throughout the solicitors.

we manage to work around the children without any vibes. if they ask where daddy is I just tell them he's working late.

bedtime stories and such things somehow manage to work themselves out, sometimes he does it and sometimes I do. it's strange, but it just happens naturally without us having to say much to each other. weekends need a bit of dialogue. We're both so sensitive about keeping things calm for the DC

I am feeling calmer. especially now that I've got rid of that infernal phone.

I know it will take time, so I'm keeping myself busy. I've no where to go, he has, perhaps he'll eventually decide to clear out. I have safe havens here at home where I can escape to if need be.

scottishmummy Wed 30-Jan-13 21:20:42

time to both grow up.really.youve al got to live in that weird hate you vibe
him stop sending abusive emails,you stop acting like bulgy eyed ex throwing out phone
so long as your both intent on staying put,avoid each other,cool,cordial

badinage Wed 30-Jan-13 21:54:56

I don't think it's possible for the children not to feel any vibes in this horrendous situation. You might like to think they aren't suffering any adverse effects, but I think you're kidding yourself a bit there.

I don't understand why if as a family, you own other properties, it's not possible for you and the children to move to one of those? Those are joint assets as you are married. Now that your husband has sent abusive E mails, I'd advise returning to your solicitor because emotional abuse is classified as DV these days and you would probably have enough to get him out, especially as he has places to go.

Are you absolutely sure that one of the reasons you're staying put isn't because you think he'll change his mind about the divorce? I've had the impression throughout this thread that if he hadn't been pressing to divorce, you would have caved in and believed the unbelievable about his affair. I think that's what's behind the phone business. If you were committed to divorce I don't think you would be obsessing about the affair and his contact with the OW. You know he's been at it - why did you need further proof?

ProphetOfDoom Wed 30-Jan-13 22:29:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Wed 30-Jan-13 22:57:17

Very tricky situation and you're right we both need to grow up.

it's been 3 weeks since I discovered his affair and emotions are still running high for both of us. I don't think he's seeing her anymore, so he's got stuff to deal with too. I don't want to get back together with him because it will be mental self flagellation.

I know you're worried about the DCs, but I can promise you the house is calm. we avoid each other and no longer communicate unless necessary. I've blocked him on my email. he gets the message that his behavior is unacceptable. if I'm in the kitchen he'll go into the sitting room and play with the DCs. when dinner is ready he tells them he's got a bit more work to do. if he goes out I babysit and vice versa.

we can't move into the other properties because there are tenants living in them. DH works from home and our home is close to the DC school. We have both been advised by our solicitors to stay put.

it is a lot to put up with.

badinage Thu 31-Jan-13 00:43:06

A calm house is still one with a dreadful atmosphere. Just because you're not throwing things at one another and shouting, doesn't mean it's not an oppressive environment for children. They must be completely torn about what's going on.

If he still wants a divorce, yes he is still seeing the OW. I don't know why you need to think otherwise.

Why don't you use the e mails as evidence of abuse if you want to get him out?

I fully appreciate that this is still unbelievably new and raw to you, but if you honestly intend to co-exist like this until the divorce, it will damage your children. It will further damage you too, but you and he have choices and your kids don't.

Please consider a civil conversation with your husband about him moving out for the sake of the children and if that doesn't work, use the abusive e mails as evidence.

I lived with my xh for a year whilst he had an affair. I didn't realise the affair was going on for most of that year but it was a strange and awful year. When he left it was an incredible relief and I realised how strange the home had become. There was no shouting or arguments in the house, just an odd atmosphere where in the end each member of the family became quite isolated and odd.

XH stayed in the home for that year for a variety of reasons. In retrospect I do think it would have been much better for everyone for him to have gone much much earlier.

Three weeks is no time at all. What you will think at three weeks is way different to 2 months, 4 months, 8 months...I think he needs to go quickly ideally but I can see it's difficult to make that decision now and it could take a while to get to that point.

madgered Thu 31-Jan-13 07:04:58

yes I really want him to leave. but he flat refuses. the law cannot help me. I've spoken to my solicitor about this and he said there is nothing we can do unless I am physically threatened.

Smudging Thu 31-Jan-13 07:22:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage Thu 31-Jan-13 12:41:47

Have you shown the solictor the E mails? If you have and he still said there was nothing you could do, then change your bloody solicitor, because this one's a dud.

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