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he left 24 hrs ago. i'm trying to adjust.

(44 Posts)
BangOn Wed 16-Jan-13 14:05:33

It all feels much too raw to deal with; what do we tell the kids? What do we tell everyone else?

I think i just reached a point where i felt i'd put up with his lies & anger for over a decade & that i'd really given it more than my best shot, yet nothing was changing.

He is staying with a family member til we work out wtf we're gonna do about money, the mortgage, etc & what we're gonna do about telling the dcs.

At the moment he calls quite a bit. I feel like he's trying to wear me down as he's always managed to do in the past. I don't want to be worn down.

Financially, i dont know how we're going to get by. I only earn a fraction of what he does, although i had had plans to retrain for a job where i'd eventually be able to at least cover the mortgage by mysrlf, but it'll take at least a year or two to get to that point. Meanwhile my current job is weird hours- evenings & weekends quite often, & up until now he was ablw to take over with the dcs after he'd finished work so i could get on with mine.

Gotta also try & get it into my head that we won't be having the 3rd baby i'm still longing for, & it's unlikely i'll have another child with someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Jan-13 14:11:02

First of all, sorry it's all ended. Alway painful however sensible. You don't have to do anything much just yet. Give yourself a few days to acclimatise and calm down a little perhaps? But maybe you need to talk to a trusted friend or family member that you are close to... can help to articulate everything you're feeling to someone sympathetic. Do discourage him from dropping by all the time and calling. That doesn't help.

For the practical stuff like divorce (married?), houses, money, access to children etc., you'd be well advised to talk to a solicitor, understand your rights and the various procedures. Good information is half of the battle. Good luck

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 16-Jan-13 14:11:51

First things first - detach and ignore and that means not answering his calls or texts.

You need to go to CAB for advice and see a solicitor (some offer free first half hours). There is a lot of information available online - Olgaga has some great posts about finances so do a search for her name.

Good luck.

BangOn Wed 16-Jan-13 14:23:22

Thanks Cogito, my emotions suddenly surfaced when reading yout post. Yes, we are married, but divorce seems such a huge thing to get my head around... I don't really have a best friend to talk this over with, my friends all seem to have their own dramas going on & my mother will be furious with me for splitting up with him (long story)

Thanks madabout, i'll have a search for those posts. Will try to detach but its hard - these are his kids, this is mainly his house...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Jan-13 14:25:44

Does your mother know the full story about his 'lies and anger'?

BangOn Wed 16-Jan-13 14:30:20

No. She's a fingers in the ears type. Thinks the sun shines out of his backside & always has done.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 16-Jan-13 14:34:17

Hi BangOn, i'm sorry your going through this, but it does get easier with time.

Don't allow yourself to be talked back into the relationship, as you say you've given it your best, and thats all you can do.

Your mother doesn't have to put up with him, you do, so whatever she has to say about you leaving is irrelevant.

Stay strong smile

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 16-Jan-13 15:20:50

www.mumsnet.com/family-money/surviving-divorce

With the kids, you can arrange child access but there is no need to reply to calls and texts not related to this.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 16-Jan-13 15:22:35
olgaga Wed 16-Jan-13 15:25:21

Hi, sorry to hear this. Let the shock wear off before you do anything and certainly before you agree anything. In the meantime there's some info and links here to start reading up on.

You're certainly in the right place for moral support and advice - hope you have plenty of RL help too.

olgaga Wed 16-Jan-13 15:25:58

Ooh I see the word is spreading smile

Hevling Wed 16-Jan-13 16:04:38

Hi BangOn
My heart goes out to you lovely.Did he leave of his own accord?It sounds like after over 10 years you have tried verything and done lots of changing (what with becoming a mum etc) but he hasn't.I do have a theory that womencontinue to evolve but some men don't(most?) and therein lies the root cause of marriage break-downs.Definitely go to the CAB,then do the benefits calculator on the hmrc website(google 'Benefits calculator')to see how muh you are eligible for working tax and child tax credits.Then you can also claim council tax rebate as a single person ( dagger I know) .Have a look at the finances in your household and really decide whether you really need that thing etc.He will have to pay CSA at some point also.Rally all the support you can get-freinds will be more than willing to help out.Lots of women have gone through this terrible experience (and some men)and come out the other side.Above all be really nice to yourself-it took alot of guts to come on this site and also to finally admit that you deseve better.
I am in your exact same situation although he hasn't actually left-although he might be gone when I get back after work.I have to leave early to pick my little one up as he refused to do it today although he is on annual leave.Last night he said he'd had enough and is leaving and taking all the money all because I wouldn't give him even more money to spend down the pub.He spends all his free time with his sad single mates in the pub,we have yo-yo childare as he neve spends any time with us and whe he is home he is a lowering figure barking at eveyone whilst watching TV.I could go on for hours about all the things he's one to me in the past.I now feel nothing-apart from sadness that he has such little regard for the welfare of his kids-but then agian he always was a selfidh b'sd.
Big love to you-fellow shat-upon-from-a- great- height mumxxxx
(PS we have been married 11.5 years)

BangOn Wed 16-Jan-13 16:59:08

Thanks everyone for your incredibly supportive responses. He was here when i got back from the school run, and is now sitting on the sofa like the lord of the manor. Apparently he wants to talk after the kids are in bed. My feelings haven't changed at all & i hope he will go back to his dad's afterwards as he has stated. I think he thinks i'll change my mind.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Jan-13 17:30:00

Why not ask him to leave? Tell him you'll give him a call when you're less raw & ready to talk? It's often about the power-balance in these situations. Not being too amenable.

BangOn Wed 16-Jan-13 20:46:24

He did leave in the end. We're calling this a trial separation. For a couple of weeks - although i'm not sure what i'm trialling - i don't think any of the issues i have with him could be any less apparent with time. He's bullshitted me for 10 years. His aggression is still there. He hasn't been physically violent for a few years so perhaps he has made some progress but i still feels scared when he blows up. He was upset tonight but didnt get aggressive although i feel that may be down to 10 years of practise in terms of not pushing his buttons, on my part.

olgaga Thu 17-Jan-13 08:21:28

i don't think any of the issues i have with him could be any less apparent with time

I think that's right. You've given him a decade, nothing has changed...

Take a look at the information and links, find a solicitor. You'll be encouraged to go to mediation to discuss the finance and arrangements for children although if his behaviour deteriorates and he is abusive that isn't recommended.

However, if mediation can work it will help you through the process of agreement.

It is not "mostly" his house. If you've been together ten years and have children, it is a marital asset which will be divided in accordance with your respective needs, earnings, earnings potential, mortgage capacity etc.

Please don't be downhearted about the future. Compare it to a future trying to carry on as you have been for so long - could anything be worse than that?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Jan-13 08:25:49

Please don't give him another opportunity to get upset with you in your home. Any future meetings hold them off-site and preferably where there are other people around. Same goes with the children. Even if it is inconvenient, it is very important that you keep him from stepping over the threshold. Your home has to be your place of safety and security and, once this 'trial separation' ends and he realises it's over, I don't think you can predict his behaviour.

Do find a solicitor but I would suggest, given his history of aggression & bullying, that you do not consider mediation. For mediation to be successful it rather relies on everyone being reasonable.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 17-Jan-13 09:59:08

Don't let money and habit tie you to a H who bullies and belittles you. That's no example to set DCs.

10 more years of you not pushing his buttons? No amount of maternal disapproval regarding divorce can make that worthwhile. Free yourself from her too while you're at it.

I often suggest counselling but wiser posters say it will backfire if one person is used to dominating through bullying and aggression.

Good luck BangOn and Hevling you deserve better too.

BangOn Thu 17-Jan-13 22:02:32

Thanks Olgaga, i'm judt trying to get my head around so much at once. I'm going to re-read your very sensible advice in the morning when my head's a bit more together.

Cogito, you're right about mediation.. When i was pregnant we went for some relate counselling & he was very adept at manipulating things even during counselling sessions. I really am worried about how he'll react when it sinks in.

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 07:51:30

This morning i woke up without him.the dcs snuggled up into my bed & i couldn't believe how happier i felt. Literally like a weight had been lifted off. That must tell me something, right?

fiventhree Fri 18-Jan-13 09:15:30

Yes it does . It tells you that you need to look forwards and not backwards, and keep him out

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 11:21:24

Thanks. You're right of course.

I just still want another baby so badly, i really think that's what will make me crack if i'm not careful. I'm nearly 32. I can't imagine even wanting another man, even if there's one out there who would want me. I'm not attractive, i know that, even though h tells me i am constantly (just more of his bullshit sadly).

Anyone else been through similar wehn you didn't feel you were 'done' having kids?

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:31:10

God I thought you were going to say you were ancient like me as a reason for no more babies.

32 is young. I had my first dc at 37 and my 2nd at 41, that's years away. Anything could happen. And I bet you're lovely smile

He, on the other hand, is an arse wink

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 18-Jan-13 11:45:49

I just still want another baby so badly
I can't imagine even wanting another man

Don't just hang onto the 'devil you know' to have another baby with him. Not unless you know he is going to work hard at resolving his whole attitude towards you and this marriage. The DCs you already have with him need at least one parent to raise them adequately.

You have time on your side! You can finish with him, build yourself up to the point you don't accept less than you're worth and still have time to meet somebody your equal and extend your family.

Do you love him? Sometimes loving a person isn't enough if they don't respect you and give you back as much as they take.

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 11:55:27

Thanks peppermintpasty, you could obviously tell i was fishing for compliments! grin

Seriously though, there's the baby thing, and then there's the fact that i've always been really shit at breaking up with people.. always let things drag on for yonks and forgave way too much then a few months down the line found myself getting dumped instead. Even though i'm older & this is a much more serious situation, i cam feel myself repeating those old patterns. If i haven't already blamed my mother too much, perhaps i can trace it back to the way she took my father back after he was physically and emotionally abusive to her. I remember being really confused at him disappearing afteran awful incident in which the police arrived & then reappearing 6 months later.

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 12:03:11

Donkeys - thanks for your reassuring words.

Do i love him? I'm certainly not in love with him. There are elements of his personality & behaviour i just can't stand & if i could wave a magic wand i'd just get rid of them. There are, on the other hand, other parts his personality i have affection for, but sadly you have to take the whole package...

BangOn Sun 20-Jan-13 14:12:28

Feeling very sad today if anyone's around...

I've been alright up until now but suddenly the thought of coping with the kids by myself seems overwhelming.

AngryTrees Sun 20-Jan-13 14:19:06

It always seems overwhelming when you're contemplating it. Just a big gaping hole of the unknown. When it's actually happening you just adapt, really. And the reality of it isn't usually as terrifying as it seems because you're only ever doing one thing at a time: one schoolrun, one dinner, one day and so on. Whereas when you get caught up in thinking about it you start seeing everything at once and all of the possibilities and worst-case scenarios and it scares the shit out of you!

AngryTrees Sun 20-Jan-13 14:20:39

What I mean to say is it will be okay and it won't be as overwhelming as you think. You will be all right, just let yourself adapt and be kind to yourself.

SilverBaubles33 Sun 20-Jan-13 14:21:56

I think that's perfectly natural, you're bound to feel down after adrenalin and drama stop and reality sinks in.

What's really exciting though, is that the reality in this case will be a story written by you alone for your lovely children all about the new life that feels lighter and freer.

Sunday afternoons can be the pits. Snuggle with the kids if they're with you, film or papers or indulgent bath if not and enjoy the space to make plans.

Perfectly normal to mourn something that's over, even if it was dreadful.

All the luck and happiness in the world to you!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 15:39:00

Keep on going, BangOn do you have rl support handy, friends who you can talk to, others even in the same boat?

BangOn Sun 20-Jan-13 17:47:51

Angrytrees - i know what you mean. i do wonder how i'll keep going through all the little day to day things too though. Spent most of today washing cartloads of clothes by hand as the washing machines out of action til the end of the week. Great timing! Kids arent impressed at all.

silverbaubles- that thought is pretty much all that's giving me hope right now.

Donkeys- i do have friends i could go to for support in rl (not especially close ones) but i hate being seen as needy, or a drain on people's time/ energy. Plus i suppose i want to be 100% sure of what we're doing before i start dragging other people into it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 18:09:11

Bloody machines seem to sense the least opportune moment to conk out don't they.

Can see your point about not telling everyone. Perhaps a couple of discreet pals at first. You said before, historically when a relationship's on its last legs you let things limp along too long. This time maybe you will feel it's your turn to say you've had enough, that's it.

BangOn Tue 22-Jan-13 22:17:01

They certainly do... Had to replace the bloody kettle as well today.

He came over again today. Turned up with a black eye (god knows, he said he slipped on the ice) when i was with a friend & the kids. He just scowled at her like he wanted her to leave. Felt really embarassed.

After he left he said it was because he saw her bike & assumed it was a male friend of mine he admits to being really jealous of. He's got it into his head that i'm about to set up home with this guy, just because he's also recently come out of a ltr. Just total paranoia on h's part as i'm not even sure i'm into men at all anymore (but thats another thread).

BangOn Tue 22-Jan-13 22:18:21

After she left

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 23-Jan-13 14:02:43

Was he invited over BangOn or did he just roll up thinking you were 'entertaining' some one? Hope you didn't feel vulnerable. How do you reckon the trial separation is going?

Glad you had a friend round, anyway.

PS the old things go wrong in 3s comes to mind, hope nothing else electrical bites the dust!

BangOn Thu 24-Jan-13 22:10:06

He wasn't exactly invited, but had said he might drop by after work.

The separation is going badly in that he keeps turning up & i'm finding it really hard to get him to leave. He's on the sofa downstairs right now for example. Combination of birthdays & funerals thos week means he says this is a practical measure for getting where he needs to be on time. I'm crap at this, aren't i?

AnyFucker Thu 24-Jan-13 22:15:54

You need to detach from him

Which means no more just wandering in and out when he feels like it and kipping on your couch for "convenience"

He obviously thinks you will just drift back into a (unsatisfactory) relationship, and the way you are going, you probably will

sorry to be blunt...but you need to draw the boundaries very much more clearly

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:29:39

He hasn't left, has he? All he's done is given himself licence to do what the fuck he wants whenever he wants to - and you've been complicit in this.

Black eye from falling on ice? Yeah, right. And that's a herd of flying pigs going past my window.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Jan-13 22:49:45

It does sound like he's wearing you down already. I am re-reading what you wrote upthread. This is what he does. Suppose you do let him drift back and get his feet under the table, and he carries on in his own sweet way. Because you want another baby. You wouldn't be the first but it's a big price to pay for you and your little ones.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Jan-13 22:50:55

The black eye is from the regular partner of his latest paramour, OP

you do realise that, don't you ?

sorry x

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:56:22

Yet another clear-cut case of 'cherchez la femme', albeit it sounds as if the femme or her usual squeeze has given him what for (well done that wo/man).

What is the point of giving this twat head space and house space, honey?

Can't you see that you and your dc will be infinitely better off without him sucking the joy out of your lives?

BangOn Fri 25-Jan-13 22:23:08

Thanks. I know. You're all so right about him. How the fuck do I say strong & avoid just falling back into a relationship with him?

I kept thinking my friend was gonna ask him about the black eye at the time...

God he's a prick. I'm never relaxed when he's home. Mainly cos i can't trust a fucking thing he says. I just feel heartbroken when i even think about telling the kids. They think he's been staying at his dad's to help him with things while the weather's been bad. They just want him to be here & for everything to be 'normal'. If it ws just him to think about it wouldnt be a problem.

AnyFucker Fri 25-Jan-13 22:28:05

If "normal" is for you to turn a blind eye about him being a cheating fuck and teaching your children this is a normal way to live, then you would do it

but it isn't

and you shouldn't

and you would be a fool to do so

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