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How to get rid of my abusive ex

(44 Posts)
timetofaceit Tue 15-Jan-13 19:44:13

So I finally got rid of him, well so I thought! I was with him for over a year, I have 2 children, he has a terrible temper and when he looses it he is very scary. He has threatened to throw me out the car, shouted as us all whilst driving on the motorway, we were all crying apart from him! It was a very scary experience. I had to call the police once as he became threatening and smashing up my house while my children were there, he would not leave! There's so much thats happened there's too much to put here, but he is very controlling, a bully and I am still frightened of him as I am on my own and know what he is capable of.

He won't leave me alone, like everytime I have tried to leave, he never lived with me so has his own house so could of been worse. But I think now I went back 6 maybe 7 times, however I have been determined this time to stay away, I don't miss him, I don't need him and I want him to stay away. I have called the police for advice as I know how persistant he is. Calling, texting, e mailing, sitting on my drive, crying messages, leaving flowers. Now he is trying please let me see the kids as I miss them (he isn't their father) I just think its all part of the manipulation. After numerous texts and emails which I ignored. I said 'Please leave us alone, its time for us all to move on, I don't feel its in their best interest to see you.' They don't miss him at all and are very happy children. He started to get a little threatening saying 'are u trying to tick me off? U really don't want to. Follwed by a phonecall I ignored! This is getting me down as I just want to get on with my life now without worrying about what he will do next. Anyone got any advice, who maybe has been through this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Jan-13 19:56:00

I think your best route is to not communicate with him but keep calling the police. Stalker behaviour is taken very seriously.

BanghamTheDirtyScone Tue 15-Jan-13 20:08:46

I agree with Cogito. He will move on eventually if you stop engaging with him - now you have asked him to leave you alone, he must do so - if he continues to harrass you (which is what he has been doing) it becomes a crime now and the police will take action on your behalf.

Log it with them on 101 now, keep logging any further contact, he has NO right to be anywhere near you or your children and he knows this.

Good luck, he sounds like a complete wanker and very screwed up. None of it is your fault.

deleted203 Tue 15-Jan-13 20:15:25

Agree with the above posters. No contact whatsoever with him. Can you change your phone number? And give it out to only those people you trust? If he turns up at your house, phone the police immediately. I would certainly log the text about 'are you trying to tick me off? u really don't want to' with the police as it is very aggressive and threatening. He has NO right to come anywhere near you and I would speak to the police now, asking them to speak to him and warn him off. Also ask them how you get a restraining order against him if necessary.

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 20:23:42

My police force didn't 'log' behaviour; they took my calls and acted on them immediately (e.g. him standing and sitting outside the house). I am so grateful to them.

I remember saying to the 999 operator, 'I can't even leave my house to go to the shop. I can't live like this,' and she said, 'Nor should you have to. Leave it to us.' The police were very good in my case.

timetofaceit Tue 15-Jan-13 20:27:03

I did speak to the police at the weekend, as I was expecting this behaviour. The policeman that came round, did reassure me that I could call them at anytime, especially if he he wouldn't leave off my driveway, or stalks me or follows me. I always have my phone on me just incase, I was just wondering how to help myself. I am logging stuff and kept all text messages, I just hope he gets the message soon, I HATE living like this

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 20:29:00

Make sure you call 999. You don't have to live like this. You shouldn't have to live like this. And he is committing a criminal offence.

timetofaceit Tue 15-Jan-13 20:30:51

Oh and the police asked me alot of questions, a booklet that they use in these domestic situations. I was one tick off high risk, but he said there wasn't alot they could do at the moment as he hasn't done anything illegal, but said to call them if he keeps harrassing me. I am frightened of wot he will do to be honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Jan-13 20:35:09

You are helping yourself by wheeling in the big guns. In the meantime, make sure your home is secure and do not engage with hime. It is not your fault that he is behaving this way.

BertieBotts Tue 15-Jan-13 20:40:03

It sounds like they're aware then, which is good. While they might not be able to arrest him for anything, it might be worth asking what protection they can give you? They may be able to flag your address for fast response or install a panic button or something. Also ask them for their advice.

You could also try contacting Women's Aid, again for advice - they will have experience of stalky ex partners and should be able to help.

Absolutely on no account let him see the children, he sounds terrifying with the motorway stunt and if he's not their father he has no need to see them at all.

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 20:49:42

Please, tell yourself, one more incident and it's 999 and you say 'I am being stalked and intimidated and I cannot live like this.'

Be clear. Then the police will be clear in their response. They will, really. They were so good with me (and my DCs).

I had DP's exP served with a harassment warning...she was making a right nuisance of herself, but she was far less of a problem than your ex. The police made it clear to her that if she contacted me, or anyone connected with me, again then she would be arrested.

timetofaceit Tue 15-Jan-13 22:02:39

thank u everyone, it does sound like it may come to something like that unfortunately. He lost it twice infront of my kids and that was it for me, I never felt the same about him again, but I've always dreaded the aftermath as I knew what to expect, and it does scare me as I know what he is cabable of, he's a big bloke and a big bloke with a temper is not a good mix, ever so easily once he picked me up by my throat and threw me on the floor with one hand...scary, and never quite know what he's going to do next. He might go quiet for a day or so, and I think oh he's got the message maybe but then it starts again. The good thing is I should be moving in a few months and he won't know were I am. Still though a couple of months of this still turns my stomach!!

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:13:40

Still getting phonecalls and texts, I am just ignoring him. Messages left with him crying! But I just think, all the times I was crying because of how he was shouting at me or behaving towards me, and he just yelled at me ' for fuck sake stop crying, what you crying for, go on milk it, you really think your the victim don't you your pathetic' , and would then carry on crying telling me how pathetic and awful I was. So why should I sympathise with him because he's missing the kids or whatever. I asked the kids how they feel, if they miss him, they said no but they miss his labrador doggie. Poor kids, I feel for them :-(. I'm just having a rant on hear as I feel quite isolated with no family, thanks for listening x

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Jan-13 13:19:49

I'd be very worried about a man texting and crying to the answerphone. He sounds seriously unstable. Do call the police rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt.

foolonthehill Wed 16-Jan-13 13:20:36

Well done, keep going there is light and you are moving towards it.

brew for you

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 16-Jan-13 13:21:04

You are doing well.

Don't hesitate to change phones or SIM cards in order not to have to hear/read his messages.

HecateWhoopass Wed 16-Jan-13 13:22:59

are you logging everything? Keeping the text messages and voice messages?

You may need them. They will build up a picture.

And the police CAN act. Harassing you IS 'doing something'.

There is no reason at all for him to be in your children's lives and tbh I bet he doesn't even want to be - it'll be about keeping hold of you.

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:32:55

Yeh I think your right hecate I think its all part of the manipulation to be honest, he didn't see that much of the kids anyway. He possibly does miss us, but I can't help thinking its to with control, he's not getting what he wants, and I have always gone back at this stage, but I am stronger now, going to groups, the freedom programme, self esteem course has really helped! Phoning the police and having sympathetic advice off them has helped too. Just wondering how long this will go on for. I can't really change my mob number as I have my own business, thought about phoning virgin to see if they can block his number, but then I'd be worried what he is thinking, as at least I can protect myself if he is threatening me in advance, its difficult to know what to do really.

I think he is unstable, the only 2 emotions he seems to show is anger or crying!!!! nothing inbetween, he seemed emotionally blocked in every other way!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Jan-13 13:38:36

Call the police... It's scary, manipulative, emotionally unstable behaviour. It's not right that you are getting this level of bombardment and it should stop. A visit from the police sounds long overdue...

lookingfoxy Wed 16-Jan-13 13:41:23

You can download an app called call control, it will let you block a certain amount of numbers for free.

zippey Wed 16-Jan-13 13:44:19

Its good that you are away from him.

I would stop talking/texting with him. Even when he texts you. I think you are right that he wants to get to you via any means possible, including your children. They arent his, so he has no holds over you.

I would change sim cards on my phone.

zippey Wed 16-Jan-13 13:46:30

Just read that you cant change phone number. Hopefully you can find stength not to respond though. Responding in any way is like sending a signal to imply that you are still in his thoughts and just adds fuel to the flame.

Good luck! You and your children deserve a lot better.

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:56:58

Thank you Zippey, yes we do especially the children, my daughter needs to learn you don't put up with men like this and my son needs to learn you don't get away with treating women like this but to be honest I don't discuss any of it with them other than how they feel about the fact he's gone. I haven't responded or anwered his calls, I did once when he kept banging on seeing the kids, I mean after 3 emails, 6 text messages and a phonecall asking me to please let him see the kids. It was then I said please can he leave us alone and it was not in the kids best interest to see him. That though was when he began to get threatening with the 'you really don't want to tick me off' text. So looks like I perhaps shouldn't of responded but you get like that after so many. He also in the past has got aggressive and threatening when I have ignored him, he says it winds him up!

I would suggest talking to a solicitor about a non-molestation order, Log everything he does, save messages, emails txt's etc. Keep reporting this to the police so you have a clear and "official" log of events should he try to challenge a non-molestation (injunction) in court.
Once i did this my ex left me alone, maybe somthing worth thinking about?. My thoughts are with you, good luck

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 16:40:38

my technical ability is not great but trying to download an app to block calls,,,but then I'm sure if I should just let them come, ignore and involve police!?

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 17:05:48

meant to say not sure if should let the calls etc come, so I have evidence for police etc

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 19:43:28

so today 9 missed calls that I didn't answer and 2 texts, is that enough to call the police with?

Arithmeticulous Wed 16-Jan-13 19:51:50

Yes. Do it.

More than enough given the history, keep letting them know each time or each day, log it all with them.

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:00:37

OMG he got me today, he rang from a different number and I answered it, I should of hung up he went on and on about how he misses the kids, and just wants to see them now and again as friends! He's so bloody persuading and controlling I nearly agreed OMFG! Till I got off the phone and had a very large word with myself. He's so controlling he always makes you see it from his point of view even if its wrong. He could sell snow to an eskimo! He thinks I'm being very unfair not allowing him to see them, as he wanted to watch them grow up......but its about them not him, they don't even mention him!!!!

Sugarice Fri 18-Jan-13 10:05:20

He's vile, do not engage with him at all.

You didn't agree to any meet up with him did you?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 18-Jan-13 10:07:21

You are perfectly entitled to hang up on him and not give him your time.

Says it all that he uses underhand methods to get in touch with you. Not really respecting your stated desire to be left in peace, is he? Twat.

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:13:04

No I didn't, but what is scary is he started to make me feel perhaps he has got a right! To feel sorry for him, this is why I have gone back to him so many times. At least I can see it now, but goes to show just how manipulating these guys are, I can't believe I was falling for it even for 30 secs. I really am better not speaking to him but he doesn't understand why we can't be at least friends, and said please don't go with anyone else......thats up to me isn't it.....not that I want to grrrrrrr

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 18-Jan-13 10:14:47

Get in touch with the police now he is escalating his behaviour and you can no longer deal with this on your own.

The proof of that is he nearly wore you down when you answered the unkown number.

The police will take this seriously and if he calls from an unkown number again i know you have to answer calls for your business but as soon as you know its him hang up, don't let him say another thing and contact the police each time.

He knows you don't want to hear from him that's why he is upping the ante and trying to stay in control by using other numbers. He will try to wear you down and intimidate you into submission.

Keep all records and use it as evidence to go for a non molestation order. Getting in back up is the only way he is going to listen now and understand you are not as easy a target as he thinks.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 18-Jan-13 10:20:08

I really am better not speaking to him but he doesn't understand why we can't be at least friends,

You don't want to speak to him, so don't. There is no law forcing you to, and you owe him nothing. Please believe that yourself!

Doesn't matter what he does or doesn't understand: that's his issue, not your problem. Stick to what you know is right for you.

Since he's using underhand ways to get in touch with you (unknown number), then I would really recommend you change your SIM card. You've only just left, you still have tons of conflicting feelings about this man that he can play on, skilfully, as he is an arch-manipulator. Just save yourself the grief and hassle and give yourself some breathing space by changing any means he has of contacting you (phone, e-mail)

Good luck, keep strong. Be proud of yourself for being so quick to recognise his manipulation and sense of entitlement now!

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:37:44

I feel stupid I let him make me feel like that and he was still shouting down the phone like I'm the one in the wrong for ignoring his calls. He says he doesn't want to get over me, it is worrying he seems so obsessed! I will call the police as over the weekend I'm stuck here by myself so I'll just be on edge! Thank u for your words you've really helped me!

foolonthehill Fri 18-Jan-13 11:27:48

you are not stupid, they are good at what they do...clever, manipulative and they work out your weak spots.
don't be down on yourself...be angry with him. no normal person does this to someone they are not with anymore. it is not love it is all about posession.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 18-Jan-13 11:29:09

So:
- The kids are not his.
- He is violent and unstable.
- He keeps banging on seeing the kids.

In this situation, I would worry that he would hurt the kids to hurt me to be honest. Will you mention his insistence on seeing the kids to the police? Please do. I think it is relevant for the police to offer better response.

Well done on being so strong so far. It really takes so much energy.

kalidanger Fri 18-Jan-13 11:32:35

Please stop dithering about calling the police. You can't handle this, nor should you have to, so let them do it.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 18-Jan-13 11:34:27

Btw, I am not wanting to get you more on edge. You are doing so well in being in touch with police, logging details, etc. I think that thought may help you resist him trying to manipulate you into giving him access / contact for the DCs.

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 14:59:11

police coming out tomorrow..... but said if he comes round or anything before to call them, they were prett good actually :-)

Excellent, glad to hear this.

Wishing you strength op.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 19-Jan-13 11:04:08

Well done on calling the police! It was the right move, and I'm glad they are being helpful.

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