Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I knew he wanted to take things slow but is he taking the piss with it now?(26 Posts)
We've known each other for almost a year although only 'officially' got together about 6 months ago. Despite that we have grown very fond of each other and spend almost all of our time together. So much so, that he's practically living with me staying at my house every night of the week other than Saturday and Sunday and even then we text each other all weekend. He's brilliant with my kids and they think the world of him. I've met his parents, his sister and his niece, all of whom are lovely and great to get on with. The one stumble block we have is that he won't introduce me to his children. We're talking about living together full time in about 6 months but how could this ever happen unless I meet his kids? They're both over the age of 15 so it's not like they're tiny/fragile. We went out for a meal with his mum last weekend and even she mentioned it saying "surely the next step now is for you to introduce the kids?" and he sighed and said "yeah I know, I'm working on it but it takes time".
I was willing to be patient but is he just taking the piss with this now or is it me being impatient?? I only introduced him to my kids as I assumed he'd be doing the same thing.
I don't think he is taking the piss. He's obviously got his reasons, and is being protective of his children. Could be because he's not 100% sure of the relationship (doesn't sound like it TBH) or could be that he wanted to make sure the rest of the family 'liked' you first?
So meeting his mum/sister etc could have been him breaking you in?
Or.. it could be that his kids don't want to meet you? Maybe they have taken issue with the new 'stepmum', or possibly their mother is stopping it for now? It has only been 6 months, so still a very new relationship. Maybe they've got close to a partner in the past and been hurt.
Do you mean it doesn't sound like he's sure of the relationship or that it doesn't sound like that's the problem?
I have asked him, he said it's because he's scared of 'freaking them out'. Whatever that means.
Ask him to explain exactly what it means.
What do you mean by freak out
How will this manifest itself
what will happen as a result of that.
'freaking them out' isn't good enough
Ask him to explain further
but yes, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to introduce you to his children and there's not much you can do to make him. So I suppose you have to decide if you want to wait, or if you think that what he's really saying is you won't be in his life in 5 years.
I meant it doesn't sound like he isn't sure; he's talking about moving in together and has introduced you to his mum and sister/niece. Sounds like it's going okay
I think then that the latter part of my post will be the most likely scenario. He doesn't want to freak them out - presumably either something has happened in the past to make him think this is a possibility, or maybe they actually are quite fragile children and introducing a new partner might just be a very big step for them?
Maybe they still think their parents will be back together, and this will be a nail in the coffin that might be very upsetting? Is the XW with a partner? What are the living/visiting arrangements?
Surely, if he's introduced you to granny, she's not going to be able to keep quiet?
"I'm working on it" suggest to me that it is the DCs who do not want to meet you. I think you need to ask him for a fuller explanation. If they are likely to be hostile to any new partner, forewarned is forearmed.
I don't know what to think, one minute he's all loved up and excited about the future and the next minute he's like "lets just see how we go?"
The kids live with their mother who apparantly likes to "poison" them if she finds out something she doesn't like. God knows.
That puts a different complexion on it..... 'See how we go' are not the words of a man committed to a course of action. Maybe you need to cool this down a little generally if it's all going too fast?
I think he needs to explain what he means by 'he's working on it' - as other posters said, it sounds like either the kids or their mother are opposed to the idea. If that's the case, then you need to decide whether you're prepared to deal with the fallout that may follow further down the line.
It sounds to me as though he's not sure about committing to you yet, but hasn't the balls to say it and would rather his kids and his 'poisonous' (yeah right) ex took the blame for that.
How did his marriage break up?
But it's so random Cog. I mean, Friday night we had a lovely night together and spent the next morning cuddling in bed and then having a laugh fitting a wardrobe together. It was during the friday night we discussed buying a place together in 6 months time. I was on a high when he left. Saturday afternoon he had his kids, still lots of nice texts etc and everything seemed great.
Sunday - totally different. Hardly any texts, seemed quite off with me. Said it was just the thought of going back to work on Monday and he was ok. I left it but today has been the same. One text off him all day and no kisses, just cold one sentance text. Totally different to how he normally is. So fuck knows whether it's something I've done, something the kids have said, something that has flicked in his head - I really don't know. He's coming back here after work so I'll see how he is in person but I kinda dreading him coming around. He's obviously got something on his mind. Not sure I want to hear it.
It's a relatively new relationship - isn't the advice on here usually to make sure that a relationship is stable and has long-term prospects before involving DC? A step-parent would have been a huge deal for me at 15.
You are meeting his family - it's not like he is in denial about your existence.
Perhaps he just gets carried away. When he's there, with you, snuggling, he gets carried away. Bit of a romantic fantasy, bit of dreaming, bit of what he thinks you want to hear. Maybe he's just a talker. When he's out of the (snuggling) situation, he comes back to the reality of it, if you like.
I agree with Phyllis. 6 months isn't that long when there are kids involved and it sounds like you have a good relationship in other ways.
Why do you want to meet the kids so much? Sounds pretty nice as it is!
It might be that he is anticipating his ex kicking off. Or it might be that the kids have already kicked off. Who knows? Ask him to explain the situation.
Hecate, that does make sense. I suppose I'm the same sometimes. When he's here I can't see anything wrong with our relationship - once I get a bit of time alone to think about things properly I see that it's riddled with problems
Hello, Im a dad to a 20 month old (I realise its not exactly the same) but I will not introduce any women Im dating to him until I know that it has a strong foundation and is a proper relationship but who knows how long that will be. With my situation it isnt a case of me taking the piss but more because Im scared that hell become used to having her in his life (I have my son a lot) and the relationship will fail. Maybe its the same for him? But I do agree with what Hecate said, maybe he does get caught up in the moment.
How much does he contribute towards the running of your home, given that he's there five or six nights a week?
It's really early to tell either way I think. I'd be a bit wary of someone who appears to be blowing hot and cold. I also think it would have been a better idea to introduce your children at the same time and discussed it beforehand/made a definite decision to intorduce eachother to both sets of children. Because at the minute it sounds very unequal in that he is very involved in 'your' life, but you sound a bit less involved in his. And it sounds as though you have more at stake.
I wouldn't be necessarily throwing in the towel at this point but I'd perhaps take a few steps back and just see how it goes for another few months while enjoying the relationship but also just being mindful of your feelings.
It took me ages to introduce my kids to DH. It caused me no end of stress. I think you need to give him the time HE needs in order to move forward with you meeting his kids. There could be all sorts of reasons but it doesn't sound as if he is doubting the relationship. Be chilled about it or you may put more pressure on him which won't really help. Six months together is really not that long to be honest. Why the rush? Will you only feel validated once you have met his kids?
Lol at Cogito. OP your boyfriend seems to be spending more time at your house & your life than the access you have to his. It seems highly suspect that he wants to buy a house together in 6 months but isnt willing to introduce you to his teenage kids. Has he had a chat with them about you and the relationship. Looks like his introducing you to distant family to keep you on side ie. the granny but has no concrete future plans with you. Just enjoying having you ATM with no strings
The kids live with their mother who apparantly likes to "poison" them if she finds out something she doesn't like
I'd take this info with a huge pinch of salt iiwy.
You say they're not 'fragile' but there is barely anything more fragile than a teenager tbf.
Sounds like your boundaries are a bit lax if he is already moreorless living with you and has his feet under the table re your kids. You say you introduced him to your kids because you thought he'd be introducing you to his, yet you don't seem to have talked about it properly, just mooched around the subject. That's not good enough if you are considering living together.
Get it out on the table properly - talk about it properly, don't let him fudge. There are high stakes here - not least you but also your kids - and being fuzzy about it is not good enough.
Wondering if you're a name changer OP. I think I recognise some of this. Have posted about him before?
Just thinking that one reason someone might not want to move a relationship along to cohabitation... whilst at the same time hinting that he might... would be if he was onto a good thing with the status quo. There's a whiff of 'cocklodger' in the air....
Join the discussion
Please login first.