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Dh just told me I'm too fat to sleep with..

(115 Posts)
Leaverightnow Sat 12-Jan-13 23:55:18

A newbie, please b gentle! Hi all, really need advice. Background is: been with dh for 11 years, married for one. He's always been quite shallow when it comes to appearance and we spilt once years ago because he thought I'd put on too much weight-I ended it after him telling me this.

Anyway, we have a one year old ds and our sex life has been virtually non existent since. Nothing while pregnant. Done it about three times since he was born.

I take a great pride in my appearance. Wear make up, am a size 12 now after being a 14 after the baby and enjoy the intimacy and physical side of things, probably more than him tbh.

Our relationship has always been stormy but for me this is partly due to the lack of sex and physical closeness that has set in (I have tried!!) since my pregnancy.

I said tonight that unless the physical side improves I can't carry on living as 'room-mates''. He said its because I no longer care what I look le and am fat and am 'playing at going gym' This is rubbish! I try harder than ever since having my ds. I'm devastated-his shallow attitude spilt us up last time. I can't carry on.

Sorry so long. All opinions welcome, good or bad.

DTMFA.

You are worth so much more than this arsehole.

Fanjango Sat 12-Jan-13 23:57:58

Sorry but the general term for this is...leave the bastard! A size 12 is anything but fat! He is shallow nd insensitive. Good luck op!!

OwlCatMouse Sat 12-Jan-13 23:58:47

You're a size 12 and he thinks you're fat?

He's using this as a reason to treat you like shit?

You're putting up with this?

I trust he's an Adonis himself?

Leaverightnow Sat 12-Jan-13 23:59:10

Thank u. I'm in bed in ds's nursery. Just heard him come to bed. Feel like I can't even look at him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 12-Jan-13 23:59:11

Oh dear god. You did it once, you can do it again, Leave. Plan your exit and walk away from this marriage with your head held high. Make sure that you have everything you need in terms of maintenance all sorted before he goes.

As you have the baby, get ready in terms of getting together your paperwork and tell him to GO. There are better men than this out there for you.

ihearsounds Sun 13-Jan-13 00:00:48

I would tell him he knows where the door is. Your partner regardless of marriage or not, should respect you no matter what you look like. He has shown you countless times that he doesn't respect you in the way that you deserve. He should treat you as the goddess that you are and worship you, not demean and demoralize you.

And I bet, if you sat down and honestly thought about it, you could find things at fault with his appearance. I bet he wouldn't like it if you pointed out his beer belly, moobs, thinning hair etc.

AgnesBligg Sun 13-Jan-13 00:01:46

Oh I expected a 30 stoner to be writing this OP. Ok he is a twit and stupidly shallow. Does he love you even?

I don't know you have a one year old...but yes I would be thinking of dumping this one.

PickledApples Sun 13-Jan-13 00:03:26

You can always lose weight / tone up / eat differently etc. Or not, your choice.

He, however will always be an insensitive wanker.

He is right though - you do need to shed quite a bit - about 12st should do it?

Leaverightnow Sun 13-Jan-13 00:03:35

That was quick! Feel abut better already! No Owl, no Adonis here! A shadow of the fit, healthy man I used to know but I don't think that matters when you've grown and loved someone for 11 years. I'm spalled really, I feel great and think I look alright for a new mother getting by on 5 hours sleep a night. Such a shit.

Leaverightnow Sun 13-Jan-13 00:04:15

Sorry appalled- not spalled!!

Reaa Sun 13-Jan-13 00:04:21

Tell him to fuck off!

raenbow Sun 13-Jan-13 00:04:37

Tell him he's too stupid for you to want to!!!
Who does he think he is??

volvocowgirl Sun 13-Jan-13 00:05:17

Get rid now!!

Nuttybiscuits Sun 13-Jan-13 00:05:18

Having recently gone through my own turmoil, with tremendous support from MNers, I thought I'd give some support back - leaving might seem incredibly difficult for you right now, especially with a baby...

But this man absolutely does not value you, and you really should value yourself and your own happiness way more than that. You gave birth to his child - he should worship the ground you walk on!

Good luck, I hope you find the strength you need to tell this unworthy bloke where to stick it!

Leaverightnow Sun 13-Jan-13 00:08:47

I've been asking him what the problem is for months and he's been fobbing me off with excuses-tired, baby waking, he's getting older so less virile(I know!!) but tonight is obviously the real reason.

Really don't think I can stay, even for the baby. I feel so sad and hurt. I've given him a perfect child and do everything at home.

Leaverightnow Sun 13-Jan-13 00:10:01

Thank u nutty. Glad to hear you r in a better place.

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 13-Jan-13 00:12:28

OP really sorry that you've had to put up with this.

Honestly, you're unlikely to ever get the respect you deserve from your husband. I'd tell him exactly that and then focus on working out the practicalities of how the future is going to work out.

happyAvocado Sun 13-Jan-13 00:13:55

I bet there's another reason - this sounds just like something he thought of to make sure you have no arguments.

Are you sure he isn't seeing anyone behind your back?

Viviennemary Sun 13-Jan-13 00:16:23

He's horrible. But I think it's just an excuse and there is more to it than this. Maybe he's depressed or he's having an affair.

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 13-Jan-13 00:16:59

happy frankly I don't think it really matters if there's another reason or not. The respect simpy isn't there. Wasting energy on why that respect isn't there is just not worth it.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Sun 13-Jan-13 00:17:15

Ltb, pure & simple!
What an absolute tosser!
A size 12 isn't fat by any chalk.
Would love to see what he looks like thoughgrin

OwlCatMouse Sun 13-Jan-13 00:18:03

What a shitbag

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Sun 13-Jan-13 00:18:56

And what Avacado said, he could be having an affair, and using this fictional tale as an excuse...,,

Beehive21 Sun 13-Jan-13 00:19:03

men say stupid things - a size twelve is not fat, far from it. doesn't seem like he cares for you and that's worse than anything . think about what you want and think about what will make you feel good.

Leaverightnow Sun 13-Jan-13 00:19:15

Avocado - I did ask him this a while back and he thought I'd lost my mind. I don't think it is coz he doesn't go anywhere but work. He made a thing about my weight years ago so think he's telling me the truth. I've only ever been a 10 at my smallest and a fourteen at heaviest. Hate him for making me feel like this

akaemmafrost Sun 13-Jan-13 00:22:17

I'd say "you know I am quite glad you've actually said that because I cannot possibly care about someone with those kind of opinions, I can't even like you anymore actually, so let's leave it there shall we?". Then I would not remotely engage with him until he was begging for forgiveness and even then I couldn't like him very much I don't think.

What an arsehole angry.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 13-Jan-13 00:23:31

Leave, what a twat, i bet your a yummy mummy, i bet hes no brad pitt.

Keep on getting fit, build up that confidence, and tell him to F off, he should grateful to have you.

LesBOFerables Sun 13-Jan-13 00:24:26

Fuck him right off. He will actually sabotage your efforts to lose weight anyway (if that's what you want), because you'll feel like you are running on a hamster wheel for his approval rather than doing it for you, and you'll resent every minute of it.

You don't need this shit.

It's not a great atmosphere to bring your son up in, tbh: women have to almost literally jump through hoops to be loved. No to that.

happyAvocado Sun 13-Jan-13 00:25:53

I agree there's no respect shown by him, however all depends what you want to do next.

Ok well you're not fat and even if you were that doesn't permit him to disengage from your marriage as he is doing. I woul be clear with him that he is behaving unreasonably and see if you can talk about your relationship. If he won't confront his own failings and role in this and only tries to blame you then I think if you have to consider if you can have a future together.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 13-Jan-13 00:37:41

he's got issues. is he suffering erectile dysfunction? is he gay? is he having an affair?
i think, as you've made it clear you can't carry on, you should plan and leave. take evidence of his income and assets, you'll need support for you and the baby.

Dryjuice25 Sun 13-Jan-13 00:38:39

He is a Grade A pillock! Shout it from the rooftops.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Sun 13-Jan-13 00:46:11

Oh you poor thing. sad

I am going through something similar, although I am actually fat!

I would say you actually need to get out before you are ground down, & tied down with any more DC.

MrsPoglesWood Sun 13-Jan-13 00:49:53

Dear God OP? Being size 12 is too fat? What planet is he on?

I'm evil though. I'd tell him I didn't want to sleep with him cos his cock was far too small and his technique was shite. And I'd kick his arse out!

sparklingsky Sun 13-Jan-13 00:56:18

Is it possible that this is a cover up for something? You are obviously not fat - but he WAS trying to hurt you. Could it have been a diversion away from something hurting him? (Hurt pride, fear that he can't perform/be as sexual as you?) This doesn't excuse his behaviour at all...but I did wonder whether he doesn't have the sex drive you do - and is acting like an arse to hide this.

Solo Sun 13-Jan-13 01:00:00

He is undermining your confidence, trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
My exh did the same to me as a size 8-10 and I believed him.
Get rid of him and be happy.

HansieMom Sun 13-Jan-13 01:04:53

Is he much older than you?

Dump the fucker.

NotMostPeople Sun 13-Jan-13 01:21:18

When you got back together last time was there a conversation about his attitude to your weight?

DoodlesNoodles Sun 13-Jan-13 01:32:16

It is confused that posters are commenting on the fact you are not fat. Isn't it irrelevant? It would be just as bad for your DH to behave so meanly regardless of how heavy you are. TBH I agree with other posters saying that the wieght issue is pr

It is a very unpleasant thing of him to say. Do you think it is the only issue affecting your relationship? Do you just think he is saying it as a way to avoid sleeping with you or to simply hurt your feelings.

Mosman Sun 13-Jan-13 01:52:22

My DH likes women who are a size 8, I was about that when we met. Four children later I'm quite close to a 16 and yet he still fancies the arse off me and would never call me fat.
Time to move on, you aren't the issue here he is.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 13-Jan-13 01:59:26

Why the fuck did you marry and have a child with someone who you knew was so shallow and twatish?

If that really is the way he feels then I would ask him to move out.

MaggieMay05 Sun 13-Jan-13 02:26:06

He is abusive and jealous and just throwing his toys out of his pram so to speak. Quite often men get jealous of the time we have to spend with our DC and then will do/say anything to hurt us and get our attention. I have been with an abusive man for the last 13 years which started off mildly with this sort of thing but since having my first DC 3 years ago its just escalated and is now ranging of all levels of abuse. I'm half way through mine and DCs escape plan and hope to be safe and free from him within next few months. Please leave or make plans to before you get to the stage I'm at, especially financially, stash as much secret cash away for you and baba as you can. Take care and good luck.

jjgirl Sun 13-Jan-13 06:17:35

Is he a big porn user? Does he expect you to dress and act like a porn star when you have sex as well?

mathanxiety Sun 13-Jan-13 06:25:18

How would you feel if he was able to get over himself and condescend to have sex with you?

Happy?

Once a man has thrown such an insult at you could you ever really throw yourself back fully into his arms even if they were stretched out for you, without wondering what he was going to say, or what he was really thinking?

It's abusive and it doesn't matter what size you are. If he can't understand that it hurts you and makes you unhappy to hear this sort of mean spirited criticism and suffer the coldness then you need to ask yourself if this is really the man you are going to grow old with.

ravenAK Sun 13-Jan-13 06:30:14

Strewth, definitely LTB.

What a complete arse.

AlienReflux Sun 13-Jan-13 06:51:06

Yes to the fact it's actually irrelevant how big you are,or not as the case may be.

It does seem to me he's trying to undermine your confidence,to put you off sex?? I'm sure there's more to it.

You need to sit down and have a frank discussion. If he's not open and honest,or if indeed that is His real problem, you can't live like that, or teach your son this is the relationship to aim for.

Best of luck,tackle this now, keep posting and we will support you.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 13-Jan-13 06:59:11

Right the first thing is to stop allowing him to make you feel like this, you know and I know you are not far. This could actually be because he knows you are looking better since going to the gym and he is worried you are going to leave him, or he could just be a twat.

Either way he can say what he likes it do not give him the power to make you feel bad.

Once you have done that take a deep breath and make a decision, does he go or do you give him a chance to fix things.

izzyizin Sun 13-Jan-13 08:06:57

Please, honey, dump the fucker before he erodes every last vestige of your self-esteem and self-worth.

As for his pathetic excuses for his lack of libido - pah! He's either a closet gay or he's got a bit on the side.

TisILeclerc Sun 13-Jan-13 08:16:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienReflux Sun 13-Jan-13 08:21:37

Nice one Tis!! best of luck smile

TisILeclerc Sun 13-Jan-13 08:33:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Sun 13-Jan-13 08:57:34

Whatever your weight, you're going to feel a whole lot lighter once you've divested yourself of 12stone+ of a useless h who is surplus to requirements.

Once he's gone. resolve to make your home a twat-free zone grin

McPhee Sun 13-Jan-13 09:01:47

You're not a piece of frigging meat shock

Jesus, this man would get my foot between his legs......hard.

Snog Sun 13-Jan-13 09:02:22

He doesn't love respect or value you
Leave if you know what's best for you and your dc

LTB.

Size 12 is NOT FAT.

What are YOU getting from this relationship??

SueFawley Sun 13-Jan-13 09:14:05

LTB.
He'd be callng you fat if you were a size 0. This is not about your weight/shape it's about the fact that he is a total twunt.

Why am I saying LTB? Because you're going to end up with not an ounce of self esteem if you stay with him.

lollystix Sun 13-Jan-13 09:18:09

I'm sorry you're in the situation. I think you actually have to ask yourself if he's gone beyond the point of no return with that - could you realistically feel valued and accepted by him again? Dust of your self respect and look for a way out. You are not here simply to please him. Your wee boy does also not need to watch this play out through his childhood. You and DS are worth so much more. Ask yourself - does he make you happy? What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

zzzzz Sun 13-Jan-13 09:22:04

Well we are all in agreement that you are not fat and he s being horrid.

Could he be having problems with erectile dysfunction? Or perhaps a lump? He sounds like he is lashing out in a very unusual way.

Numberlock Sun 13-Jan-13 09:29:19

Why the hell did you go back to him a year ago?

ArtemisatBrauron Sun 13-Jan-13 09:33:37

shock err a size 12 is NOT fat unless you are literally three feet tall (which I assume you're not!!!)
More to the point, the things he said are cruel and disrespectful as well as untrue and I couldn't be with someone who would say such horrible things with no justification.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is a scumbag and ditch him! You can do a lot better than someone who puts you down. Also, you don't want your lovely child growing up hearing their dad put their mum down.

CheungFun Sun 13-Jan-13 09:38:49

sad he sounds awful! If he's this nasty over a non-issue what use would he be if something bad happened and you needed his support or help?

I don't usually comment on relationship threads, but I think you'd be better off without him dragging you down.

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 09:39:18

I know how easy it is to say leave; I also know how hard it is to do. Do you love him (why?) and did he ever love you? If you do, or even if you don't, you owe it to your little one to at least try. I cannot believe he actually thinks you are too fat to sleep with, so you need the truth (and it may be something uncomfortable, like he has another woman). You need to go to marriage guidance. Even if you split up, counselling will help you survive and get a better settlement.

By the way, you are worth way more than this treatment, and if the marriage ends you will get better treatment.

Good luck

X

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 09:41:45

Zzzzz's comment re erectile dysfunction seems very possible too.

MardyArsedMidlander Sun 13-Jan-13 09:58:20

My ex did this to me as well- when I was a size 8. At that time he was suffering erectile dysfunction mainly because he was hugely over-weight and a heavy smoker- but of course it was easier to blame it on me. You said your OH had never been very interested in sex anyway- so it's obviously nothing to do with YOU- more his pathetic attempt to undermine your obviously outstanding ability to have a new baby and still look great.
Twat.

strumpetpumpkin Sun 13-Jan-13 10:00:19

leave the bastard . seriously.

Flojobunny Sun 13-Jan-13 10:11:31

LTB. Nothing else to add. You have some good advice here. Please take it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Jan-13 10:23:53

This has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with a man trying crush your self-esteem. If you were twig-thin he'd find something else that he was dissatisfied with so that you'd run around trying to make it better and trying to please him. It's bullying behaviour, emotional abuse, no more no less.

Don't LTB... if he thinks you're substandard, make him leave and go sleep elsewhere. Good luck

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 11:49:56

Interesting, there is thread over on AIBU about a woman who wont sleep with her husband because he's too fat and she finds him repulsive. Oddly, over on AIBU 90% of posters agree she shouldnt have to sleep with him hmm

Viviennemary Sun 13-Jan-13 11:57:40

Tell him he's too mean and nasty to sleep with.

PickledApples Sun 13-Jan-13 12:23:41

Holly, did the woman in question tell her DH he was too "fat and repulsive" to sleep with? I don't think anyone here is focusing on the sex side of things actually.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Jan-13 12:30:07

The AIBU board is hardly the benchmark for sensitive, balanced, relationship advice. smile I suppose the bigger picture is that, whilst we'd all like to think that love is blind and that our partners would love us regardless of age or beauty, the reality is that everyone's human and it's not always the case. However, should someone find themselves in the situation of not finding their partner sexually attractive any more, they should at least have the humanity to deal with the problem sensitively, rather than be cruel about it the way the OP's husband clearly is.

NewYearNewBoo Sun 13-Jan-13 12:34:41

I saw that thread Holly didn't he have an actual self inflicted beer belly that limited positions they could use and affected his self esteem, no lights on, no touching his belly/chest which was making it hard for the op to find him sexually attractive. Though it does have its similarities, the op on here is by no means fat, is trying to be healthy and deal with the changes that your body naturally goes through after pregnancy with a partner who seems hell bent on destroying her self esteem.

Midwife99 Sun 13-Jan-13 12:38:28

IMHO this is nothing to do with weight or size. It's too do with a man child trying to grind a woman down & belittling her. Some of you may remember me having the same treatment from my "DH" telling me I was too fat & that he just doesn't like "huge" women (I'm a 14/16 & always have been since we met). We split up in May last year. He then "realised" how wrong he had been & from August onwards he begged my forgiveness & embarked on a course of psychotherapy to sort out his mental health problems. Because that's what they were - his problems to do with women, relationships, sex & his own self esteem. We are still living apart but guess what - turns out I'm the most gorgeous woman who walked the earth! This is NOT about you OP. It's about him.

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 12:39:24

The more I read this the more outraged I get - OP, why on earth do you want to sleep with him? Never mind beer bellies limiting the positions that people use, surely your DH's personality is enough? I think the position I would use would involve a bargepole, a mirror and two fingers. (I realise as I type that, that there are probably some REALLY bad things that could imply. I didn't mean those.)

Midwife99 Sun 13-Jan-13 12:45:33

grin at Sleepy!!!

PandaOnAPushBike Sun 13-Jan-13 12:49:29

OP he is treating you horribly. sad

To give some perspective, I've been with my husband for around 11 years too. I've put on lots of weight since I met him (had an out of control eating disorder). At my worst I was a size 26, although currently wearing 22 (non maternity despite being 5 months pregnant so possibly 18 if I went over to maternity clothes). In all that time my husband has sincerely believed he is with the most beautiful woman in the world and tells me this all the time.

You deserve so much better.

DrawMeADream Sun 13-Jan-13 13:01:40

I second the bargepole suggestion by Sleepysand!

And that is coming from someone who does usually see both sides on this issue. I'm sure I sound shallow, but if my DH were to put on a large amount of weight (and by that I mean out of healthy range) and not be interested in getting healthy again, I would secretly be less attracted to him - physically and also mentally. I wouldn't throw that in his face, but I probably would make efforts to encourage him to be healthier. So I often can see a husband's point when he says this kind of thing, although often don't agree with the way is it phrased.

But that ABSOLUTELY does not apply in your case, OP. You're a good, healthy size, and that should be what matters, particularly as you're making efforts to look after yourself - and when you have a young baby, that is HARD.

He should be proud of that, not dismissive of it.

Corygal Sun 13-Jan-13 13:55:09

Last gal who said the same to me IRL found out a fortnight later her DH was having an affair. SORRY - don't mean to make it worse but I do mean to point out you're normal and he isn't.

I would think about booting him out.

Darkesteyes Sun 13-Jan-13 16:05:29

HollyBerryBush in the Lanzarote thread on AIBU ( big fat bashing thread about British tourists) there is a poster on there saying that some mums cant help going up to a size 12 Yes a whole size 12 confused despite slogging their guts out in the gym.
So there are also people on this site who think women shouldnt be above a size 10.

Midwife99 Sun 13-Jan-13 16:15:07

FFS! The national average size is 16!! A 12 is a small in any clothing range apart from teenage shops!!

Shybairns Sun 13-Jan-13 16:17:22

Only read the OP , OP but this man you are with is being emotionally abusive.

My soon to be ex H told me he no longer fancied me after the birth of our first child. Shallow, critical and not loving me for who I am through all the stages of life.

Think very seriously about this. You deserve better.

thegreylady Sun 13-Jan-13 16:23:06

I am proud to be a 16 after a couple of years at 20 blush.I was a 12 when we married 24 years ago but dh has never ever criticised-he loves me which is the difference between him [and any decent h/p and your wretch of a man.I dont think I haver said LTB before but in your case I think you'd be well rid of him.

pixi2 Sun 13-Jan-13 16:27:19

If it was me I would plan it all very very carefully. Get a conspirator. Pack his bags and leave them outside. When he enters the house to enquire as to why, I would most certainly make sure he found me with cake and a glass of wine.

But then, I have a mischievous streak.

Darkesteyes Sun 13-Jan-13 16:34:09

Oh sorry i got it wrong. The post i mentioned about women suffering and going up to a whole size 12 was on the "DP beer belly" thread not the Lanzarote thread. I probably got confused what with the amount of fat bashing threads on MN lately.


HollyBerryBushFri 11-Jan-13 21:39:06

Sometimes I think women are just too picky - 3 stone, whislt a good old set of love handles on a bloke, doesn't stop any sexual position I can think of. Three stone on a woman, because they are built differently - it can be quite inhibiting. But that comes down to socail conditioning rather than ability to perform the act

TBH with you Dad Dancer, Like you I know a fair few blokes who have the ability to sink way over limits every night, they remain within the BMI parameters for healthy - but those sorts of blokes are manual workers and its taken off during the day. Office workers who drink the same and are sedentary tend to bloat up. I'll factor in I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10, even they suffer aging and increase to a 12 no matter how much effort in the gym is made. Shapes shift, thats nature.

Darkesteyes Sun 13-Jan-13 16:40:49

I used to be a size 28 in 2002 and got down to a size 14 after 18 months of hard work. After 2 years on the diet i dropped to a size 12 and 11 stone. I still had fucking idiots coming up to me telling me i should be this or should be that.
Im unfortunately a size 20 at the moment but have been eating healthily since having the winter bug at New Year.
But a few years back when i had idiots telling me what i should or shouldnt weigh after all that hard work i put in i was fucking furious.

amillionyears Sun 13-Jan-13 17:29:05

op, is your DH a perfectionist? Not that that excuses his behaviour.

Leaverightnow Sun 13-Jan-13 18:10:39

Shybairns- how did u end it? Today has been awful. I've told him it's over as I'll never get past it. U obviously couldn't either. I don't feel the same since being told this twice in last few months.

Thank u everyone for ur kind words and excellent advice.

Darkesteyes Sun 13-Jan-13 18:17:01

Leaverightnow you deserve so much better than that shallow mysogynist. Hes a nasty piece of work. Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL.

Darkesteyes Sun 13-Jan-13 18:21:28

Has he been a nasty fucker again today OP. If so that just proves that you are doing the right thing (not that you need proof of that) he has already proved that he is unworthy of you.

JaquelineHyde Sun 13-Jan-13 18:24:03

OP what you are going through is horrible and you shouldn't be with a man who is so shallow and clearly doesn't love you.

However, for those of you who haven't seen it have a read through the thread about the op who says she loves her husband to death, that he is her best friend etc etc yet she is refusing to have sex with him because he has a beer belly and she isn't turned on by him anymore.

An amazing insight into how contradictory and bloody ridiculous MN threads can be.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 13-Jan-13 18:32:58

Jaqueline Difference is the OP of that thread could help her DH, althought refusing sex isnt very nice, since hes embarrassed already, this OP's H seems totally vain, even tho OP is not fat at all.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 18:36:44

So, when is the shallow git leaving?

Wanker.

Size 12 FAT? Oh do come on. He's using this an excuse to blame you for the breakdown of your marriage. There is another reason and I'll bet it's another woman - I'd put money on it.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 13-Jan-13 18:40:31

What an ARSE he is - well done for telling him it's over. thanks wine

Before he moves out, can you whip all his trousers down to an alterations place and have the whole lot taken in 2 inches at the waistband? He will freak out when he can't get into any of his clothes and you can say something like "yes, I thought you were looking a bit bigger but wouldn't have been cruel enough to say anything" grin

JustFabulous Sun 13-Jan-13 18:46:53

Brilliant that you are recently married. You are so much more protected.

Tell him to go. He is vile.

QueenofPlaids Sun 13-Jan-13 18:50:15

My first LTB.

My DP constantly tells me I'm beautiful, although I am at least 2st overweight and rather short, so 2st does show. He acknowledges I'm overweight and tries to support me in my own efforts to lose the weight. He's never suggested it, but when asked admitted I would look and feel better if I lost a bit. I think this is normal?

Sex in a long term relationship should be about more than the physical attraction you'd have looking at a hot bod. Even if you lose weight, get to a size 10 or whatever, getting older is inevitable. What if you are ill? (That's how I lost my 'hot bod' fwiw). How supportive will this man be if he's acting like this now?

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 20:17:43

Well done, LRN. Leaving someone is incredibly hard. Focus on your lovely baby, and on lovely you, and get as much distance as possible between you and him. Life will be much easier without him dragging you down. Mums, sisters, and friends are incredibly valuable and will want to help you so use them if you can.

Start divorce as soon as you can - you can do it all online and fairly cheap. In theory having only been married a year you have fewer property rights but as you have a baby between you, getting the house should be fairly secure.

Sleepysand Sun 13-Jan-13 20:19:37

Holla:

"Before he moves out, can you whip all his trousers down to an alterations place and have the whole lot taken in 2 inches at the waistband?"

Get them to sew in a few prawns as well, over the weeks they will come to match his personality - repulsive and rotten to the core.

NicholasTeakozy Sun 13-Jan-13 20:20:16

Saw my XW a couple of weeks ago. Well, our DCs live with her. We went shopping and while out she moaned that she's fatter than she's ever been. I said "what does your DP say about it?" Her answer? "Nothing". "It's not a problem then and neither should it be".

Your OH is finding excuses to not have sex with you. You're a size 12 ffs, that's not big at all.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Mon 14-Jan-13 00:22:29

Just a quick correction for Jacquelinehyde - i am NOT refusing to have sex with my husband, we often have sex. The question was am i being unreasonable to not want to have sex with him because of his beer belly... and he is my best friend and I do love him, which is why i am so sad that we can no longer have the sex life we once had. With all due respect to this OP i don't think the two threads are the same.

OP - It does sound like your husband has been tactless in the way he has spoken to you and I cannot see how anyone (even a very short person) could be considered fat at a size 12.

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 01:09:42

A size 12? What a tosser. Nothing is good enough for people like him. Cut your losses and get out while you still have some self esteem.

ZZZenAgain Mon 14-Jan-13 01:10:50

size it is possible to alter but what if you look too old for him one day? What then?

AgathaF Mon 14-Jan-13 08:06:20

I've told him it's over as I'll never get past it

What did he say to this? Is he working out a plan to leave?

Leaverightnow Mon 14-Jan-13 10:21:17

Ag f - has apologised, said its all his fault and he didn't mean it. I'm still devastated. I'm leaving.

AlienReflux Mon 14-Jan-13 10:40:01

leaverightnow did you have a good talk? Has he given any other reasons for his cruelty? i just can't help thinking there's more to this, like his lack of sex drive, maybe he's impotent and can't face telling you?

yes, he's been a complete twat, but why? if it's just because he's a complete twat, then fine, but have you talked about this?

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Mon 14-Jan-13 10:42:24

Good for you, stay strong and don't go back to this pathetic excuse for a man. Mumsnetters will always be here to reassure you etc.

Lafaminute Mon 14-Jan-13 10:53:43

You can always lose weight / tone up / eat differently etc. Or not, your choice.

He, however will always be an insensitive wanker.

As PickledApples said. So true. Good luck though, you deserve someone who thinks you're amazing however (great or otherwise) you look.

AgathaF Mon 14-Jan-13 11:12:15

Won't he go? You shouldn't have to remove yourself and your DS when it is he who has effectively broken your marriage.

has apologised, said its all his fault and he didn't mean it - I'm not sure how you could get past someone saying what he did to you. Sounds like his apology is because his life may be about to become more difficult so he is backtracking, not because he actually means it.

Sleepysand Mon 14-Jan-13 12:59:30

Don't move out. He can go. You have your little one to think of. He can move back in with his mum or into a flat.

Lueji Mon 14-Jan-13 14:11:05

I was going to suggest you sit on him, being so fat...

But, sadly, you can hardly do any damage at a size 12.

TBH, I think it is just an excuse and he's just trying to put you down.

He may have his own issues, loss of libido, an affair, whatever, but nothing justifies making you feel bad about your own body.

FauxFox Mon 14-Jan-13 17:39:57

I've not read the whole thread so sorry if it's already been asked but do you think he might have erectile disfunction and is trying to get out of having to 'perform'? Just seems a bit mad of him to be calling you fat when you're obviously not just to avoid sex?

Darkesteyes Mon 14-Jan-13 18:05:50

Its still emotional abuse whether erectile dysfunction is involved or not.

AlienReflux Mon 14-Jan-13 19:24:58

yes it is, but if OP is leaving her marriage she should know the reason why

mathanxiety Tue 15-Jan-13 03:54:39

Words are cheap aren't they.

How are you supposed to know what he means and what he doesn't mean? He asks you to try to discern intentions and ignore actual words and actions.

He is trying to get you back.

I also think you should stay and he should go -- where are you going to, and are you going to take immediate legal action to secure your rights to the home? See your local CAB.

Do you own or rent?

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