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to have thrown DP out?

(75 Posts)
ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 20:34:20

I dont think I am but I need reassuring.
DP has depression and been on tablets for 2 mthswith no difference, he has a lot of self esteem issues and I try to be calm and help him as much as I can but tonight I lost it.

DP often makes a lot of silly mistakes when askedto do things like if I give him a list of shopping he will still forget something or if I ask him to empty the bins he will forget, really silly things which usually is fine no real problems but today he forgot to pay his phone bill resulting in it being cut off and he has spent the money on other things so can't pay it, I offered to sort it for him but no to him its the end of the world and it's apprently my fault as he has so much to do he cant remember everything (he isnt working atm and only has odd jobs to do around the house).

He has lost his temper big time and I have had enough I told him he needs to sort things out as Im pregnant, have 3DCs under 5 to look after plus I sort and pay all the other bills, this result ed in him going into the hall way and actually punching himself in the head , I did shout at him as I hate him doing this so he came up right in my face hitting himself again, my DCs were downstairs eating dinner and I was worried one may come up to go toilet or something so I threw him out.

I dont know what to do, no longer no where he is and I dont know whether to even let him back in as I can't cope with this.

I know he will be back in tears and all apologetic promising he wont do it again but I have learnt this isnt going to change.

AIBU just to pack him a bag and stop him coming back?

hermioneweasley Sat 12-Jan-13 20:40:13

He is depressed, not completely irresponsible for his actions. His behaviour is inappropriate around your DCs and will not help them grow up with good mental health.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 20:40:22

Depression is a long term illness, and tablets for a couple of months won't have begun to help him cope with it. Is he having counselling as well, doe he have anyone else he could go to such as parents while he puts himself back together.
The forgetting stuff, the tears and apologies and irrational behaviour can all be symptoms of the same illness, and the fact that you are under pressure and finding things hard means that neither of you can support each other.
How long has he had depression for, is it a relatively recent thing? What triggered the bout this time?

Euphemia Sat 12-Jan-13 20:41:22

Is he receiving therapy as well as meds? When did his GP last review progress?

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sat 12-Jan-13 20:43:59

My ex used to do this.

He then turned his anger onto me and my DS.

Be very careful.


ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 20:49:27

He went to the GP again just before xmas and he upped he dosage, he has been depressed for about a year but worse the last 6mths, he had the number to refer for counselling but again keeps forgetting to phone them even when reminded daily and I cannot phone on his behalf.

Its always the same circle, he forgets something acts like its the end of the world and then if he doesn't get enough pity he will get angry lose his temper, hit himself, go out, calm down, come back all apologies , tears and promises.

I cant deal with this anymore, Im struggling myself being pregnant as I was booked for a hysterectomy later this year and wasn't according to months of tests scans etc able to have anymore children, DP just says everything is too hard for him but Im failing to give him anymore sympathy when Im coping with everything and he just mops about being miserab

KenLeeeeeee Sat 12-Jan-13 20:50:14

It sounds awful for both of you, but you need to remind yourself that sometimes the best way to help someone is not to hold their hand. It sounds like he needs space to get counselling & focus on getting well again, and you need to protect your dc from his very damaging & self-destructive behaviour.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 20:50:57

*miserable and just moaning about everything he apprently has done with no thanks (yes he managed to wash his car and wants a medal).

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 20:57:37

So does he have anywhere else he could live, or anyone else who would get him out of your hair for a while?
Especially if he's self-harming, I'd be wanting the doctor to be more proactive. Counselling for example, to run parallel with the medication is a minimum expectation.
Have you got people who could come and support you? Relatives?

allgoingtoshitnow Sat 12-Jan-13 21:02:37

Hes ill. It basically excuses anything non-violent as hes not himself. And hitting himself isnt DV.

Ditch him if you need to. Get on with you own life. In this age of equality there is nothing stopping women being as cuntish as men.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:03:34

OP, have you thought about getting this thread moved to Relationships? There are a lot of posters there with experience of depression in a partner, and how hard it is to live with. And experienced at throwing partners out too, and the possible alternatives you now have.

Pilgit Sat 12-Jan-13 21:03:44

Speaking from the other side, depression is bloody hard and does steal the ability to remember things and escalates the ability to get everything out of proportion. This is not to minimise how bloody frustrating this is for everyone around the depressive though. He needs to take small steps and get small tasks under control first. Getting the counsellor organised should be top priority as meds alone will not solve this problem. This may take sitting over him whilst he actually makes the appointment. Living elsewhere whilst he gets himself straighter may be the best option at the moment as it will give you some space to get some peace and re-find the compassion you have obviously had for him in this illness.

The problem with depression is that it has a much longer time arc than most illnesses and people expect to see some progress within a relatively short period - they get sick of it and lose their compassion in the face of someone who doesn't seem to be helping themselves. At the moment he simply won't have the ability to do it. Your thoughts and reactions are totally understandable and totally normal, however what you have described of your DH is also totally normal for a depressive.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:05:07

I have no family around and no friends, he has his mum but she is a cause of it all so that wont help.

He has no where else to go and no money now as he spent all his savings (all 13k but thats a whole other threads worth).

He needs to call the counsellor but he wont and needs to see his gp again.

I feel trapped now and as much as his mum is a contributing factor id rather he was there than here.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:05:35

If there's somewhere stable he could go (parents? reliable friend?) that would be a good home base for him for a bit while he gets himself started in counseling, that might be good.

I have been through this and at the worst point I did have to ask my husband to leave and just focus on getting himself together. He didn't move back in until we had a counseling plan set up. I did take a strong hand in getting it set up but we needed joint counseling also so we could deal with it together such that I was able to support him and also be supported by him myself, so that the toll it took on each of us was recognized and managed together.

I know it is not your job but can you not make the initial call(s) to get counseling set up? Just to get it moving? I know you shouldn't have to do it, but the main points right now are 1) get your home life settled so you can operate without misery and exhaustion and 2) get him into counseling and maybe 3) get you both into joint counseling so you have some support and some tools for dealing with him, and so he has some tools for how best to be your partner even while he is struggling.

I think it will be a long road but I think/hope if you can make these few tough moves asap you will feel a lot better. x.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:09:34

Allgoingtoshitnow how am I being cuntish? I have tried to help him and haveto bear the brunt of it all, I never said it was dv but when I have young children in the house how long do I put up with this behaviour before it affects them.

He is ill yes so that excuses this behaviour, self harming when I have children in the house, what planet are you fucking on?!

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:11:12

Keatsiepie its not that I wont phone its that I cant, only his gp (who wont do it at the moment until drugs work) or DP can phone and refer himself, Im not allowed.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:21:34

^ ^
And what Pilgit said

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:22:41

ruled sorry I didn't know, I'm in the US and so was able to call myself. Okay, if he has to do it, then I would hand him the phone and the number at 8 am Monday (or whenever they open) and say "you make this call now or we're through." He will possibly cry and rage about how can you say such a thing, do you not love him, this is how he is and he can't help it, etc. , but just hold firm: he must call. He cannot have a piss or a cup of coffee until he calls.

So that's 1) his counseling.

2) your joint counseling: I do recommend this. Can you get it? I don't know how this works in the UK, sorry, but if you can get it, do it. You really need it, it's too hard on your marriage to go through this without a counselor helping you to help each other through it.

3) the house: if he has to stay, then I'd sit down with him and write out a list of what he has to do from day to day. Say "I love you, and it's okay that this is hard for you right now. It will get better. For now, you must try to keep up with this stuff. If you forget, it's okay. But it's not okay for you to get angry and hurt yourself. If you must do that, you must go into a room and shut the door and do it quietly, b/c it's not okay for you to use your feelings to scare and worry me, let alone the kids. After you're done making yourself miserable over whatever you forgot, you must pick up the list and go on with doing it." After that just reinforce calmly when he gets upset.

My suggestion re: (3) is just a really short-term fix, and I'm not a therapist, so again, I'd say get (2), the joint counseling, arranged asap.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:23:23

'He is ill yes so that excuses this behaviour, self harming when I have children in the house, what planet are you fucking on?!'

It doesn't excuse it, but it does explain it.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:24:04

And yes what Piglit said!

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:25:38

OP, get this thread moved to Relationships. Really.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:27:57

Btw. sorry I keep re-numbering things, hope it is not too confusing.

This sounds really hard. You have three children, a depressed partner who has been a burden with mental health problems and anger for the last year. You are now pregnant with number 4. Was the baby planned?

Are you working?

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:35:12

Thank you KeatsiePie for all your suggestions I will (when he comes back) sit down and discuss counselling again and see if open to relationship counselling.

I will be asking to move this thread to relationships.

Purequintessence I am working parttime but DP isn't but STBXH has DCs not DP.

DC4 is far from planned see earlier in thread.

So the three children are not his? Then you are doing your children a great disservice forcing them to live like this with this nutter of a man. sad

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:39:18

Thenebulous I know it explains it and not excuses it, I am more annoyed at the insinuation that I am cuntish because Im struggling to cope, and growing up in a house with a mother who has mental health issues I am more aware then some on the affects it has on the children long term, children dont understand the concept of depression so I do struggle to cope with him like this when I need to consider the possible effects on them.

AbigailAdams Sat 12-Jan-13 21:39:47

OP, you have the right to live your life without fear, without treading on eggshells. And protecting your children from this behaviour is the right thing to do.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:41:50

Purequintessence this is exactly why I struggle, I have been with DP 2 years and my DC love him, he has been in DC3 life since she was a baby but leaving wouldn't be an issue if it wasnt slightly complicated by DC4.

BakeOLiteGirl Sat 12-Jan-13 21:43:04

There are just two things here.

1. Is it really OK to kick a vulnerable person with depression out like this. If it was the man doing it to a woman there would be uproar.

2. Mums self-harm too. Should these 'nutters' have their children taken away?

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:45:04

The problem is he can be lovely and I know its this illness that makes him an idiot at times, Im so angry when he gets like this but know it would break mine and DCs hearts if he left.

I just dont know what to do, part of me (selfishly) thinks Ive done my best its not my problem let him sort it by himself.
The other part of me knows its not his fault and wants to help him be the man I love again.

They are not his children, though. Ops responsibility is first and foremost to the welfare of her children, and if he is going on like this, I bet she has one helluva life trying to shield her children from his behaviour. It really is not fair on her, and the kids. He is an adult, and he can live elsewhere while he accesses help, if this makes life easier for ruledbyheart. (apt name)

Doha Sat 12-Jan-13 21:48:15

I'm with purequint on this one

Portofino Sat 12-Jan-13 21:48:59

What Abigail said. Your CHILDREN are the most important thing here - they deserve better.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:49:15

BakeOLite Girl honest question if someone was punching themselves in the head and you knew it was possible that your children could walk in at any point, what would you do?

I did what I had to do to protect my children from that sight.

And yes as much as some people would disagree with me if I selfharmed in front of my children I would expect to have them taken away whilst I sought help for my issues.

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 21:50:18

Fantastic - only on MN is the bloke a 'nutter' when he's clearly depressed.

The whole pack would be out if were the usual case of undiagnosed PND and forgetting to put the bins out.

male self harm = nutter.

>shakes head<

Lindsay321 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:51:28

Hi ruled

It sounds like you have built a life with this man over time. Why are you so quick to push him away when his MH issues have reach a point of self destruction?

I understand it must have been terrifying to watch him punch himself but he is a person too. If you love him can you imagine what he is going though? Just because you self harm does NOT mean you are a risk to others. He IS a risk to himself however. Is there some you can call tonight to get him home or possible to A&E. It sound like he is having a breakdown.

"Its always the same circle, he forgets something acts like its the end of the world and then if he doesn't get enough pity he will get angry lose his temper, hit himself, go out, calm down, come back all apologies , tears and promises."

You and your children deserve better than this. This is no life for your kids.

I bet you tip toe on eggshells! Are you worried when something will happen to set him off again? Worried that if you ask him to do anything, he will forget/not do it and then create another scene, be angry, hit himself?

expatinscotland Sat 12-Jan-13 21:53:08

I agree with Quint.

Ok, sorry about nutter. Lets say Egocentric and Abusive? That any better?

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 22:00:28

Lindsey I have no doubt he will be back the same as every other time apologetic etc, I dont believe for one second he will harm himself more than he has done, this isnt a one off and does happen on a semi regular basis (usually when DCs are asleep or with their dad though).
This has been going on for months so not just a quick decision to push him away just tonight I was left with no other choice.

Purequintessence I do and am but at the same time I know its not his fault and can get better.

I know I keep contradicting myself, I'm just so confused, sorry.

mynameisnowsonicthehedgehog Sat 12-Jan-13 22:02:39

Why are people not supporting the op, she is trying to support her dp, and trying to protect her children at the same time. Regardless of her dp's depression... their welfare must take priority above all else.

OP, if you feel ok to do this alone for now, I would let him go stay with his mum, you can still support him and it sounds like he needs some time away from the pressure of family life too.

HellonHeels Sat 12-Jan-13 22:03:30

His self harming does make him a risk to others - his children and their emotional well being.

Maybe being so understanding is not helping him, but enabling him?

Maybe it is not the depression causing this? You say you have been with him two years, and he has been depressed for a year, and worse the last 6 months?

Maybe it is just who he is, depression or no depression?

I was depressed, had pnd, I did not behave like this. Not all depressed people shout and scream, rant and turn violent against themselves (or others).
Maybe he just is lazy and irresponsible, then throw an anger tantrum if somebody calls him up on it?

If he is not working, do you support him too? You must be exhausted, pregnant mum of 3 with a lazy layabout in your hair.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 22:10:37

ruled good luck with the conversation. Re: joint counseling: I would not ask him if he is open to it. I think you should require it. Certainly you can explain why you think it is needed. But he cannot say no. He cannot expect you to live with his depression without any support.

From what I've read I don't think he's abusive. I think he is in despair.

If he can go someplace else to live until his counseling and your joint counseling both start, I think that would be best.

If he can't go someplace else to live, well, the short-term suggestion I made about telling him to isolate himself for a moment when he feels like he might need to scream or hit himself -- that is not going to solve anything in the long term, of course. But it will help keep things bearable until the counseling starts I think. It will keep the OP from having to worry that the kids will see things they shouldn't see. It will keep the OP herself from having to see him like that. And it will give him a place to let himself express those feelings so he can then pull himself together and continue on with the day. Again just a coping strategy until you can get better ones from counselors.

AbigailAdams Sat 12-Jan-13 22:13:09

I can't quite believe that some people think it is OK for the OP and her children to put up with behaviour like this. Yes he maybe depressed. But that doesn't excuse abusive behaviour and it doesn't mean the OP has to put up with it. He has no right to behave like that, depression or no depression.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 22:13:32

OP, I won't be back as I don't post in Relationships, but I do hope your situation resolves itself and that you and your partner can come to a safe place for you all.
Good luck.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 22:16:10

He is back and like I guessed teary and apologetic, I have told him that he is welcome to stay tonight on the sofa but I need time to think before I talk to him, DCs going to their dads first thing so will talk to him then.

I dont know, maybe it is just him but he has had a lot of contributioning factors that would leave most people down so benefit of the doubt would say depression, for the first year he was great and things just slowly went downhill fromthere, he has no motivation to do anything and even gave up the gym and social life, he doesn't want to work as he was badly bullied at last job so is being supported by me.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 22:17:57

I think you have to put your dc first and therefore it's best for your dp to seek help away from the home.

It may be that he isn't the man you thought he was but is actually abusive rather than depressed. Either way, the outcome is the same, you're on egg-shells and his scapegoat. He needs to sort himself out. I think you're right to have him leave.

Maybe you putting your foot down and telling him to move out while he gets his depression under control will be the kick in the bottom he needs to progress.

I would also urge him to rejoin the gym, as the endorphins produced during exercise will help his moods. Also, Omega3 is a natural anti depressant.

MusicalEndorphins Sat 12-Jan-13 22:20:53

It is really difficult when someone you love has mental illness. I can't really offer any great wisdom, but wanted to say, it can get better. The pressure must be hard for both of you. He may need more than an anti-depressant, my friend takes 3 different medications, after years of trying this and that anti-depressant, which never helped. One is an antidepressant, one is for anxiety, not sure what the 3rd one is. She forgot everything and thought everything was too hard for her to do same as your dh. She is ok now. I hope he gets the help he needs and things work out for you both.

AbigailAdams Sat 12-Jan-13 22:22:54

What do you get out of the relationship, ruled? What does he contribute to the household (I am not talking purely financial here)?

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 22:33:06

Thank you for your input Nebulous it has been much appreciated.

I am trying to get him to rejoin the gym but he has gained a lot of weight since stopping and he is very self conscious about himself now.

He does help around the house when he is in a good mood and is a great cook, he is also usually very loving and we used to have a lot of fun which every now and again when the old him seems to be back we still do.

Lindsay321 Sat 12-Jan-13 22:35:46


It is horrific to see anyone self harming but that does not make the self harmer an abuser. The OP must protect her children and herself but I think it's clear this man need immediate help. He is a vulnerable person too. I guess this make it a complicated situation but thats life.

Oh and I'd just like to push the point again - if you self harm you probably think you're the most hellish person on earth. But you're not. You are ill and there is a solution to feeling better whether you are a man or a woman or a child. you are not alone.


LiveItUp Sat 12-Jan-13 22:40:40

This sounds like more than depression. Yes he is ill, but he has to take some responsibility for himself. How does he see himself in a year's time? How will you cope with 3DC's, a new baby, and an ever-demanding partner?

I'm with quint. You should not be living on eggshells with everything dictated by his moods. If his main tantrums happen when DC's are in bed, or away, he clearly has some control over them? You (and DCs) need space away from him while he sorts himself out, and support him from a distance, letting him back in as he handles his illness with a little more responsibility.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 22:52:33

Thanks to everyone who has commented I am going to try and sleep on it, have a long hard think on what I need to do, I willbe backin the morning to update.

cestlavielife Sat 12-Jan-13 23:59:00

Agree with all posters saying he needs to be away from you and dc and gettign right treatment and help. You are not obligedto live withbthis behqviour whatever the cause. If it is mh then he needs treatment whcih neither you nor dc can give him. Be prepared to tell mh peope, ypunwill,not have him in your house around the dc.let them sort out some accommodation for him. Whether in patient or MIND hostel or ?

My exp was like this in the most serious episode of one of his depressive episodes when we still Lived together. The self harming etc. Hitting himself, clmbing up radiators, pulling shelves off walls kicking bins etc etc.... I know exactly how you feel trying to keep,dc away.

Him hitting his his head was even witnessed by his Cbt pshcotherapist who called the on call psych but they didn't know what to do...exhad asked me t go the session. She suggested we went on our pre booked holiday. That was hell then he went berserk and finally I called 999 He ended up voluntary in patient then went to his family for several months..... (the next time I saw that psycho therapist few years later I was flicking channels and there she was she was on a late night sex ed show talking about the joys of anal sex... I digress)

Anyway I wish I had
Called 999 for ambulance each and every time he was self harming in front of me and dc. Have him taken away and assessed.Have it recorded.
I did call criSissi team number some times and each time they said "call 999" but it took some time for me to do it..but I so wish I had done so sooner. Not just live with it and accept it as anew normal. It isn't 999 ask for ambulance tell them he is diagnosed mh and having severe episode.

Or if he calm then insist he goes stay elsewhere for few months while he gets therapy.and visits only when he calm.

Sure it may be part of his illness but if so he needs treatment, mabe in patient for some days or weeks . Of he can't go to his mother or elsewhere.

You and your dc do not have to deal with and treat him. You can't.
Make it someone else's problem to treat.

You need to decide to take more definite and drastic action next time he is hitting himself in fornt of you. Take him to a and e . Or if dc in house call 999 and tell them heis having a severe mh episode. They may send police and ambulance if they know dc in house it is routine. Call n the professionals to deal with him. It is too much for you and dc.

I wish someone had said this to me much earlier.

cestlavielife Sun 13-Jan-13 00:09:29

Can you look after your dc your self your pregnancy and a sick man ?
It just isn't feasible. He needs professional help. (taking it that his behaviour is due this illness)

Who do you put first in this scenario? You could for example lessen the burden on yourslef and send your dc to live with their dad more of the time,while,you devote yourself to your dp . That could be another way around it. it isn't fair to make your dc live with this .

But you need to make sure you stay healthy and fit and well emotionally. That could mean physical distance while,dp seeks help.

Also some element of it may be more within his control. Eg he seems to choose to self harm for you more than randomly...???

wolvesatmydoor Sun 13-Jan-13 00:29:29

Hi ruledbyheart, this is my first time on here. Our situations are quite similar in some ways.

I have been with my partner for 13 years and the last 3 have been pure hell. I have 2 children. He has been grieving and very depressed and I have done my best to support him. He has many angry tantrums and punches himself in the head in front of me, the last time so violently that one side of his face was swollen and covered with welts. He has been in counselling for over 3 years and he is actually getting worse.

He has no regard for my feelings, constantly lying, smoking skunk, leaving it around for the children to find, having car accidents and refusing to tell me, using pornography and leaving it on our family computer, showing no love or concern for me and always trying to blame me for his behaviour. He is always the victim. I have tried so hard to protect the children and I have made so many excuses for him as he has had a tough time. He has been staying at his mum's for 3 months, things just got too bad, he came back over for Christmas but after a week he ended up tripping me up when I walked into the bedroom and then having a violent rage which escalated into a self-loathing attack whilst he refused to let me leave the room and punched himself violently in the head ten times or more. I was silent as our children were downstairs. It was so disturbing, I asked him to leave immediately and he has returned to his mum's.

I understand how difficult it is to give up on someone you love and someone you know is in trouble but I have come to the conclusion that as a mother, I owe it first and foremost to my children to protect them. I still feel shaken by his last self-harming episode, very traumatic to watch someone do that to themselves and be forced to watch.

It's hard to figure out how much is depression and how much is abusive behaviour. My partner manages to perform brilliantly at his job and it is only at home he is displaying this sort of behaviour. I am a compassionate person and I feel I have put up with so much because he's having a tough time. I think we have a choice and we need to own our behaviour. When my mum died, I went through a long period of grief but it didn't make me this self-destructive and careless about my family. I know everyone reacts differently but I have been so worn down by his constant anger and appalling behaviour that it is starting to affect my health and self-confidence. He recently admitted to me that 'he has used his dad's death as an excuse to behave like an asshole', I know this will later be denied.

He had to leave and I want him to get better, I still care about him, sometimes I can't figure out why. Maybe it's best that he stays somewhere else if that's possible while he seeks help. You are very vunerable right now being pregnant and you have to put yourself, the baby and your other children first. I really hope you can work things out. I understand how you must feel.

Sandinmyshoes Sun 13-Jan-13 08:17:46

OP you keep referring to the "old him" and wanting the man you love "back". He is still the same person, and still in there. I am guessing from your comments that you don't have much experience or knowledge of depression and think it might help if you read up on the illness. Understanding how this awful illness operates will not make watching someone you love go through it any easier but it will (hopefully) remove some of the anger you have towards him.

And whilst I understand and agree with the need to protect your children from seeing him in such a state, bear in mind that by throwing him out you might be protecting them from seeing something that might scare them, but you're not teaching them about having compassion for someone who's ill and you're reinforcing this awful stereotype that mental illness is something to be afraid of and ashamed of. If they suffered in the future would you throw them out? No, of course you wouldn't. Will a teenager see it like that or remember what you did to their stepdad and worry about confiding in you in case you reject them as well? (I speak from my own experience here).

Could the kids spend more time at their Dad's while you support your partner through this? (or is this not practical?) It could be a great opportunity to teach your children that not all illnesses can be seen as a physical injury but still need to be treated by the doctors just the same.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm having a go... I feel very strongly about the stigma attached to mental illness and this lack of understanding is what causes so much of the anger towards depressed people. Please try and learn more before you make a decision. If it's something you can't deal with there's no shame in walking away from him. I lost a few people along the path of my depression, but losing those that couldn't cope actually helped me in the long run as I was left with those who had the strength to help and support me. I don't feel bitter about it now at all, and understand that some people/relationships just aren't able to withstand the pressures of depression.

SantasENormaSnob Sun 13-Jan-13 08:27:25

Im with quint.

You need to put your children first.

overbythere Sun 13-Jan-13 08:32:05

My ex suffered depression. He didn't work and the only job he did around the house in three months was put the bins out. He couldn't face doing anything else which the rest of us would do without thinking. So I understand about how overwhelming your dp is finding doing things like shopping. Also my ex couldn't start to recover until he had left the family home. He needed medication, peace and quiet and time. A year on he is doing better and wants to make another go of things. I agree with the other posters who say he must leave, for the sake of himself and the family.

Mosman Sun 13-Jan-13 08:45:24

My father hit himeself in the face to the point where both his eyes were blackened and then threatened to hang himself in front of me.
He needs a lot of support - your partner not my dad - and a mother of 4 under 5's is not the best positioned to offer that. I would ask him to leave, he'll sort himself out you need to concentrate on you and your health. And inist he does the same. He cannot be around those children though.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sun 13-Jan-13 08:46:38

My abusive exH would also punch himself in the head, make me responsible for everything, etc.

I have no doubt he was/is depressed, but it was all part of the same belief of his that he was not responsible for his own behaviour, that someone else (me) was responsible for day-to-day adult responsibilities, and for his emotional state, that I existed, basically, to make him feel better (through control, threats, insults, caretaking, etc).

Depression is no excuse. Plenty of depressed people do not try to intimidate and browbeat their loved ones. A depressed person with entrenched abusive beliefs is still an abuser.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 13-Jan-13 08:54:05

OP, this is a 2year relationship during which your DP has given up working and you are supporting him; he did have 13K of assets at one point but he spent them (not on things for your house I presume). If you weren't expecting his child I would say you don't owe him anything at all, and I would be concerned that his apparent ability to minimise his outbursts when DC are around points to this not all being due to MH issues. Do you know anything about his work & relationship history; do you agree with his assessment that his mum is part of the problem, or could this be more 'blaming' on his part?

fuzzpig Sun 13-Jan-13 09:44:35

FWIW I think making you watch violent self harm - in a "look what you made me do" type way - is a form of emotional abuse, even if he doesn't realise it. I say that as a (former) severe self harmer BTW.

OliviaPeacein2013Mumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 13-Jan-13 10:13:33

HI there
We have moved this thread to relationships

ruledbyheart Sun 13-Jan-13 10:33:07

Morning all, well I've spoke to DP conversation went exactly as expected, tears, apologies and promises, I am struggling to forgive him for this outburst but at the same time I don't want him to leave.
He agreed that when he is like that he is risk and that last night he knows he scared me doing it so close and in my face, I get the feeling from him he meant to do that, to scare me.
Depressed or not and yes I have a lot of experience with depression, I have battled with it myself in my earlier years and watched my mum nearly kill herself through it, he needs to help himself and I can't do everything for him, I didn't sign up for this and harsh and as selfish as it sounds I cannot put up with it, my DCs come first and I won't have them put at risk at growing up thinking this is normal behaviour.

I have told DP he either goes back to the GP, rejoins the gym and rings to set up the counselling or he can leave.
I have done as much as I can and unless he helps himself nothing is going to improve.

TheFallenNinja Sun 13-Jan-13 10:36:31

No. Forget him. This behaviour damages everyone around him. Depressed or not, you need to put you and kids out of his harms way b

fuzzpig Sun 13-Jan-13 10:37:53


Do you think work would help? The bullying must have been awful but surely he knows that not all workplaces will be like that? Is he signed off and getting ESA or anything?

It sounds like he is just making himself more isolated and I know how hard a cycle that is to break. But he has to take responsibility for trying to break that cycle.

What did he say to your ultimatum?

What do you think he is going to do?

Even if he does not leave now (which I think he should), there is no reason you cant ask him to leave later, if he dose not follow through on any of his promises.

Please stay strong. It must be extremely frightening and emotionally difficult to watch him self harm like this, while blaming you that he does it. Especially as you have your own scary experiences of depression.

It is like he is abdicating all responsibility for himself, his behaviour, his duties, and blames you for it, expecting you to make some kind of difference.

Well, maybe you finally will make a difference, if you manage to keep firm. Best of luck!

ruledbyheart Sun 13-Jan-13 10:56:12

He agreed to all of my conditions but I knew he would I could have said he had to ride a purple elephant through a park and he would agree, it doesn't mean he will do it, partly I think he agrees with me to calm me.

Last night was the final straw for me if nothing even slightly improves and he cant do what in reality he needs to then he will be out.

The house is in my name and he pays nothing into it.
He isn't entitled to anything so we live on my wages, unfortunately for him he doesn't have any responsibility here yet so it would be easy for me to do - honestly that sounds harsh and I don't mean that badly I just know when it comes down to it there is nothing for him to fight over.

I hope he does sort things out, I really do.
I picked up some application forms last week so will hopefully getting him to fill these out too as I think him earning some money of his own and getting out the house a bit will help him whether he believes it or not.

If you can afford it, ensure you have smoked salmon, mackerell in tomato, smoked mackerell in the house, and other fatty fish which is high in Omega 3, if you dont want to go down the Omega3 capsule route. Ensure you both eat this food! All you can do is ensure healthy eating, and maybe push him to the gym.

He really needs to look for work himself. You cannot let this also be your responsibility.

Lindsay321 Tue 15-Jan-13 00:31:34


WTF are you for real? Really? Honestly? You actually think f*cking fish is going to help?!?!

Look, maybe we all need to stay they f*ck out of other peoples business none more that you! I can't believe anyone would say that!!!

F*cking fish therapy?!?!

OP, There are a lot of good points on here. But please ignore the last one.

Yes this is a bit aggressive but I just can't get my head around the fish lady (maybe I need some omega 3?)

<can't get head around medicinal mackerel>

Mosman Tue 15-Jan-13 01:17:27

You can't understand how diet impacts on mental health ?
Give your kids a can of fanta and a packet of skittles and sit back and watch.

Lindsay321 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:48:26


Ok, What am I watching for? Them to turn into the Hulk?

Too much sugar - no good (mam told me that)

Fish - Mmmm, delicious, not MH curing surly? If only all people suffering from MH issues ate a bit more oily fish eh? Or people quit peddling it as an easy cure hmm

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