Mumsnet Talk

I'm a bit rusty at the dating game, but clearly the good old dickhead is still alive and well.

After having declared undying love, this particular dickhead is now cooling off, not returning calls or emails, (let alone calling or emailing me), not texting etc.

After being pursued so hotly, I am now the one in danger of seeming needy and stalkerish, but would just like sone answers.

Maybe it's just come at a time when I am feeling vulnerable... but it's really upsetting me and knocking my (what was newly restored) confidence.

He is just a dickhead who deserves to be forgotten - right?!

Right!

Do not engage
Delete all contact details
Get busy, keep distracted

You won't get any answers worth hearing, he's a player and a user and therefore of no interest whatsoever to you.

Onwards and upwards - a bullet dodged

The appropriate response is to say nothing to him, and proceed to have a fantastic life.

It's not a scathing retort, but it really is the best thing to do.

Yes, he deserves to be forgotten.

Sadly there seems alot of them around !!!
I think that there seems a boost to some mens self esteem to catch and sleep with a woman.Then the adrenaline stops and they dissappear onto the next woman.
Did you meet him online ?
Last month I was just the same with a guy who kept texting undying love for me but then the text came that he wasnt ready for a relationship. Just like you I feel rejected and hurt.
I think you just have to move on and be ready next time not to be vulnerable to prats.Tricky though when you feel you care for someone.

Yes this type of d*ckhead is fairly a-typical - dives straight in/full-on, then back tracks almost as quickly as he blundered his way into your life.

Watch out for this type of behaviour in future and avoid it- but don't let him knock your confidence.

Write a list of his flaws, dust yourself down and plan a night out with the girls

Definitely a dickhead I don't know why these people behave the way they do. Seen one too many rom-coms? Think the only way to get a shag is to declare undying love? Subscribe to the adage 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'? Or they've just graduated from Twat Academy with honours?

Delete his number, ignore calls (which will come when he feels lonely one day and thinks you might be up for it) and get out there with your mates. I think you have to meet a few of these to sharpen up your antennae.

Treat him with the contempt he deserves, which means giving no visible or verbal sign that he's anything other than something nasty you trod in a nonentity.

Thanks all.

I met him in RL not online. We hadn't slept together - it seemed so genuine and about feelings emotions not just sex - that's what makes it more hurtful / confusing.

I am afraid I have already sent too many messages and with each message that goes unreplied to - feel further hurt and rejected.

I need to stop this cycle but it's so hard - as I do genuinely want a resaponse.

I am aware, the more I contact him, the less likely I am to receive a response. I know I should forget him but it is hard as I did care for him. It is also a terrible blow to my confidence and I am starting to comfort eat etc...

I used to get this when I was single. I did both meet men in rl, and through the internet.

Just delete his number, and move on. I seemed to find they crawled back later on down the line, and then I couldn't be bothered with them, as moved on to the next fella

Step away from the biscuit tin!!!!! I know you want answers but eating doesn't solve anything. Do you have any friends you can call up and ask round for a and a moan? A cupboard that needs scrubbing? Keep yourself busy and try to put this man out of your head.

I wish I could move on. I just don't feel I have the confidence. I have very low confidence and self esteem, I only seem to be able to feel good when someone paye me attention . I tried to talk to my friend about it but I think it was a bit too heavy for her and she backed away <unhelpful> - so have not bothered her again.

I've been so naive haven't I - to believe what he said?!

Any scathing responses I can send to him??

Or should I just resolve to put what I have said behind me and vow not to contact him again?

Well pour it out on here and you will get good advice

One thing I find is helpful is filling up your weeks with lots of plans so that you don't have any time to wallow. What about focusing on a fitness drive and learning a new skill or hobby - this would give you something else to focus on other than him, increase your confidence and increase opportunities to meet lovely new people?

How about: 'Cowardly of you to just cut me off without explanation. I am thankful your true colours showed sooner rather than later.'

BUT - I would send nothing. Concentrate on making your life lovely and forget him - he is a waster - and if he treats people like that i.e. as disposable, he is not worth knowing. Be glad you dodged that bullet.

Patience - thankls - I do need a distraction. The only snag is when I've tried that approach in the past I've gone into it thinking 'aha this is a distraction from so-and-so' and not for the sake of the activity itself - which has sort of been counter productive as it used to remind me of the dickhead in quetsion...rather than helping me forget.

Hoping that doesn't sound too mad!

Look, don't contact him again. Please bear in mind that if you keep texting and phoning someone who is making it very, very clear that s/he doesn't want to have anything to do with you, there is a possibility of you being reported for harassment/stalking, which would be profoundly humiliating.

He doesn't owe you a relationship, or even a response. It's possible that he percieved you as too vulnerable and needy and that's why he decided to cut contact with you. You do sound vulnerable, and I would advise you to stop dating for the moment and seek a few sessions of counselling. While you are desperate for love and affection, your self esteem and boundaries are in poor shape and you are likely to put off decent men and be an absolute magnet for horrible ones.

Good God girl - STOP texting him.no answer IS your answer.

I know this stuff is difficult but you are making yourself look needy, desperate and bonkers - which I shall assume is not the look you were hoping for? Every message you send him reinforces < to him > that his decision to go quiet on you was the right one.

Do not text or call him! It is hard, but just don't do it. Keep telling yourself that you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

When I first started dating after many years of marriage, a friend got me a copy of the book 'Why Men love Bitches', it is quite a humorous guide to dating. I highly recommend it. Don't take it too seriously, but some of the advice is spot on.

And as Cog said your antennae need sharpening again. You'll be picking out the dickheads before you know it. And as the saying goes 'You may need to kiss (possibly shag) a lot of frogs before you find the prince.'

And go very careful.. you could be straying into harassment waters if you continue. You will not feel better if he sends back ' Sorry, I just don't want a relationship with you ' or suchlike, because it then opens a dialogue in which you fire further questions at him. He < probably wisely > doesn't want this.

I second the recommendation re counselling.

Just don't reply. He simply isn't worth it and with each message you send him your self-esteem takes a hit and his gets a boost. Step away from the phone and the biscuit tin and just accept this as a lesson learnt, albeit soon. You'll know next time not to believe all the crap because if they start talking like this very early on, its a red flag anyway.

onwards and upwards

You aren't going to get an answer. That is hard to accept but what could he possibly say at this point that would make you feel better? He's hardly going to come back and tell you how much he wants to be with you, is he? He's scarpered like a coward without the guts to even tell you that he's not interested in going any further. The only thing you're likely to hear is reasons why he doesn't want to be with you. You feel like your confidence has taken a battering now? Think how you'd feel after his response?!

Just delete his number. Make sure you have no way to contact him at all. Chalk it up to experience. NEVER bombard someone with texts and emails again - people are never going to respond well to that!

And as others say, get out and do stuff. Join a club. A class. Anything.

But prepare yourself for him coming back. If he is a game player, then he was chasing for the fun of it. When you started to be keen, it was no longer fun. When you started to get (in his mind!) clingy and needy ( that's how these guys think!) he backed off. If you drop off the face of the earth, he may well start up again. For the ego boost.

Beware of that.

If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't only want you when it appears you don't want him.

>>I know this stuff is difficult but you are making yourself look needy, desperate and bonkers -<<

^ yes I am all too painfully aware of that sadly! (and I probably am)...

I know you mean well / is good advice, but it is hard!

Good grief, a couple of weeks ago he 'loved' me. (Or said he did - lies I guess!)

He is just a dickhead who deserves to be forgotten - right?!

Well, yes.

Move on.

I got dumped by text earlier this year by someone i really liked and had felt very close to. i was gutted, i really was. I sought advice on here and was told categorically not to respond. I didn't listen though and texted him that he was spineless to do it by text. 6 months on and over it, I wish with all my heart that I had listened to the advice on here.

You cannot make him want to be with you by texting him, it won't pay him back, as hard as it is to hear he doesn't care and nothing you can do will bother him.

I would find it easuer to have closure actually if he had the guts to say - 'sorry my feelings have changed' - or similar!

But I accept what you say.

Ok - apart fronm counselling - God am i that mad? - any otehr ideas for 'activities'? I am prepared to throw money at it.

I got dumped by text earlier this year by someone i really liked and had felt very close to. i was gutted, i really was. I sought advice on here and was told categorically not to respond. I didn't listen though and texted him that he was spineless to do it by text. 6 months on and over it, I wish with all my heart that I had listened to the advice on here.

You cannot make him want to be with you by texting him, it won't pay him back, as hard as it is to hear he doesn't care and nothing you can do will bother him.

and: would I look less needy etc etc if I sent Patienceisvirtuous' suggested message of 16:00?

How long were you with him for?

akaemmafrost - sorry to hear that and thanks for your advice.

We've all been there, by the way. It's normal stuff to feel shit about this sort of stuff and it's very consuming and upsetting. I don't want to make you feel worse and I do understand. But you MUST move on

Diamond- was seeing him for just over 4 months.

shine - thank you for empathising with sh*t feeling...

No, you'd look madder if you sent him ONE MORE MESSAGE

Please - don't do it. he knows exactly how you feel and he does not want to hear from you.

Here is an analogy for you... if your employer sacked you and made it very clear you were no longer to come to work, would you turn up every day, hanging around, trying to change your bosses mind? You wouldn't would you?

If you send any more messages you are making yourself look more and more desperate to him.

He sounds like yer classic Amorous Bolter
Lucky escape.

Oh I have been there err... many many times over the years. god, it's a fucker.

Don't let him do this to you. He's being a prat, you do not want a relationship with someone who mucks you about. Be thankful you found out now before you got more involved.

You may have low self esteem but that doesn't mean you should accept crap from anyone. There is a man out there who knows you are worth more than you think and will treat you right. Don't waste time on dickheads, please!!

Whatever you do please don't let him have this power, don't comfort eat. Handle this in a strong, empowered way. Whatever way that is will depend on your character, but (and I'm aware this sounds lame) a new haircut would be a good start. I rarely visit the hairdresser so it's a fine treat when I do

Time being single can be a great way to improve your self confidence, focus on what you enjoy and what you want. Be ruthless when dating, there are heaps of single men (believe it or not) so don't sell yourself short or scare them off by being too needy or attract the wrong sort by being too easy going.

Get feisty woman!!

Don't send any more messages.

Ban yourself from dating or even thinking about dating for 3 months.

Go and do some stuff for you. Things you can feel proud of yourself for trying. If you can't swim/drive learn. Have a look for local volunteering opportunities whether it's a one off everyone turn up with a gardening gloves and help clear some community land or a longer term thing. Take dancing lessons or do a charity parachute jump. Whatever you find hard, go do it!

Don't contact him again. Really, your dignity is on the line. If he's an unfeeling cunt he won't be scathed so your scathing message will just make you look weak.

Men who do this are damaged. They are either emotional cripples who idealise romance but can't cope with a real woman, or dicks who just like a challenge, or the most dangerous are the narcissists who only see you as a tool to make them feel good and who will ditch you once your usefulness is reached.

You don't need to value yourself by how desirable you are. You don't need a man to be interested to prove you are interesting.

If you wanted to, you could pick a target and work towards it eg the scary couch to 5k thing with a specific 'fun' run in mind.

Erik - you've hit the nail on the head. Sadly the last line is true for me atm. I know it shoudln't be.

I like the idea of him not being scathed by a scathing email - that actually raised a - thanks.

Just wish I could undo all my mad needy behaviour - but what's done is done - with this thread I will stay strong.

(Shine - I do get your analogy totally; but if the employer neglected to send letters and just suddenly erected huge barriers / fences blocking the premesis, the employees would be a bit baffled!)

Perplexing - Forget him. As other posters have said, you have your answer.

What might be worth exploring more is your lack of self-esteem. And you don't have to be mad to go into therapy. (Sometimes it's madder not to talk to someone, imo.)

Putting him as an individual to one side for a moment, look what he has done. You have low self-esteem; your self-esteem was elevated when you were seeing him; and now it has plummeted because he has left and is not responding.

He is a mirror. He is mirroring back to you the punishment that you feel you deserve because you're not good enough. And you keep going back for more -- not for more love. For more punishment. Every time he fails to respond, you feel worse, you eat more, and so you feel worse.

It is a horrible place to be. I have been there many times. I realised that there was a pattern where I was addicted to being rejected. Look at how hard you are finding it not to contact him, and there you have your addiction.

Therapy is amazing if it's done well. It can give you back to yourself. And then you won't only not respond when someone does that next time -- you might even choose someone who treats you with the respect you know you deserve.

Yes, come and join me in c25k : )

I keep meaning to do it

So.. for 4 months he did what? Did he text daily? call daily? How often were you seeing him?

He emailed dozens of times a day - at work, and to home in evenings when we didn't see each other.

Texted several times a day - met almost daily - spoke daily.

He was always the one calling / pushing to meet / instigating things.

Just miss all that - you know...

Big withdrawal symptoms.

And the last time he messaged you said what?

You know what the most surprising thing is that I've learned about men? It's simply this: when a man goes off a woman for no good reason, and she just goes on her merry (eventually!) way being the same nice person she always was, they ALWAYS come crawling back eventually. Always. Every time.

Of course, you don't want them when they do. But it's worth bearing in mind.

I had a very similar experience to yours when I was 27. Six years later, having seen my engagement in the paper, he showed up in the lobby of the very posh bank where I worked, begging me to break it off and run away with him.

Reader, I didn't marry him.

Just a normal everyday email, I've gone back and looked through them countless times! <slaps wrist>

We were discussing tea of all things - and the future and where I was thinking of moving to. Nothing untoward, no clues that I can see.

Tyrannosaurus - really?!

Glad you didn't marry him (the loser that is).

You could drive yourself mad looking for reasons.

And by the way I know there's no rational explanation - i.e. that he's fallen ill etc - as I have called his work number - he was (naturally) too 'busy' to talk at that time. Funny how he had so much time to spare in the preceding weeks.

I know Narked... I suppose it's human nature to look for an explanation though.

He hasn't died has he?!

Oh - just seen your 16:47 post!

True. May I proffer the explanation that he's a cock.

Narked - thank you, I suspect that is the only correct one.

perplexing, cross my heart!

He swept me off my feet years earlier, love bombed me until I was utterly besotted and then...nothing. I was heartbroken. I made an eejit of myself turning up at his local by myself and being ignored for a few weeks until my lovely friends staged an intervention.

It was about a year before he made his first attempt to get me back. I hadn't really moved on but I said no, and it then became his life's ambition to get back into my knickers (she said modestly). You wouldn't believe me if I told you some of his stunts.

Anyway, ever since then I've really taken notice of what happens after these peculiar coolings off (I've witnessed a few) and if the woman keeps her cool, the men always return to the scene of the crime. Without fail. At which point, the women can decide what they want to do.

Doesn't help much right now, but trust auntie Tyrannosaurus

Tyrannosaurus - thanks. I doubt he will be coming back to me anyway...

Does anyone have any more suggestions on good stuff to do to take my mind off him? Work PT and free time is limited due to childcare.

I feel down and negative and really could do with some more ideas to inspire me. Things which will be absorbing - scrubbing a cupboard is a good one - any other tips which people have found useful??

Tyrannosaurus - thanks. I doubt he will be coming back to me anyway...

Does anyone have any more suggestions on good stuff to do to take my mind off him? Work PT and free time is limited due to childcare.

I feel down and negative and really could do with some more ideas to inspire me. Things which will be absorbing - scrubbing a cupboard is a good one - any other tips which people have found useful??

Might sound a bit odd, but try researching your family tree online. Can get very addictive and time consuming.

hello perp
I just popped in to say I agree with the MN jury that he is a wankbadger and best forgotten.
Dignity is your friend here, tits and teeth with your nose in the air

What is the thing that you are most proud of being able to do? Is there something that you can do for someone else? That always makes people feel better about themselves and will be a distraction that actually builds your confidence.

Meanwhile, tits and teeth and dignity

Hi OP

Try googling the baggage reclaim site. I'd link but I'm crap at that.

Also, I had one like that years ago. Decided he didn't want me after all, when I hit a particularly difficult patch in my life. A few months later he suddenly showed up at my door. I let him in and we had coffee and a nice chat. Then he said "shall we go to bed then?" (yes, he really did!). I said "no thanks". He said "ok. Call me a cab then". I said "you're a cab. now phone your own fucking taxi" and I showed him the door. (yes, I really did say that).

You're well, well rid. But you know that now.

I was dumped by my BF of 16 months by one text when he was on holiday no warning nothing !! He refused to answer my texts some ppl can just switch their feelings off. I knew I would be tempted to lose my dignity so deleted his number, for a few weeks was soo diff but 5 months down the line I am happier than ever I was and with a new man ;) there is life after this but u need to stop the texting absolutely no good will come of it X

Thanks all.

I really fancy a nice day out somewhere with DS (5) tomorrow - any suggestions for somewhere? I live 100 miles west of London - on m4 corridor. Ideally something indulgent for me but which won't bore pants off DS. ( Tricky combination I know)...

PS I am feeling so angry now (a) for what he;s done but also for what I have sunk to. Onwards and upwards indeed.

And a bid thank you to the poster who mentioned the 'why men love bitches' advice - spot on and what I would normally live by - but sometimes rejection does funny things to your head.

This happened to me and the only thing that worked was to train myself to say "Fuck off, NameOfMan" every time he came into my mind. Obviously I said it under my breath if I wasn't alone! It did work, even though I had to say it several hundred times, but now when I think of him my automatic response is "Fuck off."

is DS too little to go and potter round Bath and the roman baths? tea in the tearooms?

lego land ?

This'll sound awful, but when a man declares undying love on the basis of relatively little acquaintance, he is faking it. Or something else is wrong: but it isn't real.

So if you want to sharpen up your BS detector, be very wary of those who are all over you like a rash in 5 mins and telling you everything you want to hear. It sounds great, but is usually the exact opposite. They're not nice guys at all. IMO Erik's analysis is spot-on.

For the record, I don't think you're mad and needy at all – that's the effect these people have! The thing is not to act on how you feel.

I hope you find something absorbing to take your mind off it. Don't be hard on yourself, it's going to hurt like heck for a while.

Thank you LadyWordy - those are real words of comfort.

Thanks for the day out suggestions so far - Bath a possibility - more welcomed.

For your day out If not Legoland then Windsor itself? Beautiful Castle, great shops, river, loads to do. Take a scooter and let ds scoot down The Long Walk.