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Fed up with chivalrous DH!

(51 Posts)
sexlifedisaster Fri 11-Jan-13 14:26:51

I feel mean, but I'n fed up with DH.

He works from home, so is usually here, except for one morning a week.

This week he came home, and told me he'd offered to put up an aerial for someone (this is NOT his job at all). He insinuated it was for a man, who was single, and unable to do it himself.

Having sneaked a look at the address, I realised it was actually a woman. I don't know how he came to be in a position to offer, as he works alone in an office; this woman may even work there.

He's bought the aerial, but she is supposed to pay him back. He's chargung £10 for his tine, which was supposed tto be 2 hours.

He went yesterday morning, not returning till 5pm. Then said the aerial didn't work, so he went back this morning (still not home).

I'm not well, and the cough has affected my asthma, so walking around could land me in hospitak (as has happened numerous times), which I don't want to risk with my toddler.

Yet we are out of milk, sugar & bread, which wouldn't have been a problem if the job had taken less time. I'm also very depressed, as well as feeling ill.

When I tried to talk to dh, he got angry, saying I didn't like having him going out to work... err... it's cost him money & £10 fot two days, is hardly worth it (if he gets the money back for the first aerial, otherwise we'll have lost money).

I also don't trust him. He took his son to start army training on Sunday & told me the only parent he talked to was a single mum... why he asked I don't know. He also got lost at the barracks, ending up in the female quarters, watching the female recruits changing.

We never have sex, I brought it up the other night, but he had a 'headache'.

There are loads of other things: Using adultwork, filming naked women on the beach with his first family, helping out a female 'friend" against my wishes (ex fwb - he admitted that she was inventing things to see him).

Sorry for mistakes, havibg to use phone as
he's blocked MN on our router after seeing my last thread.

BelleoftheFall Fri 11-Jan-13 14:29:13

", filming naked women on the beach with his first family, "

Have you posted about this before?

Because I think I read your last thread if so and he sounded extremely creepy back then as well. He is NOT chivalrous, he's a law-breaking creep who violates women's privacy. And probably a cheat as well.

TeaBrick Fri 11-Jan-13 14:29:27

"He also got lost at the barracks, ending up in the female quarters, watching the female recruits changing" WTF? This on its own is bad enough, without all the other stuff. If he's not careful he's going to end up getting himself arrested, adn rightly so.

Sugarice Fri 11-Jan-13 14:29:34

Do you think he is really putting an aerial up?

I'm sorry OP but he sounds vile!

TeaBrick Fri 11-Jan-13 14:30:04

Leave the pervert!

I was wondering if you have posted about him before as well.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you still there?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jan-13 14:34:18

Two whole days to put up an aerial? And he has history of doing something similar? hmm Crappy husband, I call it... not chivalrous in the slightest

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 11-Jan-13 14:35:22

He sounds like a complete creep. Poor woman he's put up an aerial for!

And I know this isn't the biggest problem with this man, but he seriously charged her for his time when this is not his job and something he was doing as a "service" for a colleague? Pervert AND tight.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 14:35:47

He's not chivalrous.

He's a pervert and a criminal.

And you're an enabler.

He's a weirdy perv, not chivalrous.

Sugarice Fri 11-Jan-13 14:37:40

Plus he's trying to block your access to Mumsnet after seeing your last thread!

Why the hell are you still with this vile man!

He sounds truly odd and unpleasant OP, what a horrible situation to be in sad

JambalayaCodfishPie Fri 11-Jan-13 14:38:47

*chiv·al·rous
/ˈSHivəlrəs/
Adjective
(of a man or his behavior) Courteous and gallant, esp. toward women.
Of or relating to the historical notion of chivalry.*

Getoutofmygumboot Fri 11-Jan-13 14:39:00

Are you for real op, seriously you are I a relationship with a pervert! Filming families on the beach????? He should be in jail, you can't really love this bloke? If you want get better I suggest you get you and you child the fuck away from this disgusting man.

In fact I can't believe you had a child with him confused there is no way I would want my dd anywhere near him even if he was her father.

I'm sorry but I don't have any sympathy for you, you know what he is like and you choose to stay, why???

sexlifedisaster Fri 11-Jan-13 14:41:26

I'm not sure she's a colleague. Think he inly met her this week. To be honest I'd livid he's doing it at all. I don't see why he should offer to hekp 'random' women at all... our fence has needed repairing for ages

OxfordBags Fri 11-Jan-13 14:41:48

Repeatedly commiting criminal sexual offences is not my idea of chivalry.

MooncupGoddess Fri 11-Jan-13 14:42:50

Not AGAIN sad

izzyizin Fri 11-Jan-13 14:43:20

Oh come on. This has to be a wind up. Surely no woman could possibly remain living with a pervert man like him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jan-13 14:43:39

You're mostly bothered about a fence? hmm

Getoutofmygumboot Fri 11-Jan-13 14:44:11

All you worried about is the fact that he 'helped' some with an arial,wtf??? Honestly, you need to get your priorities right.

Leverette Fri 11-Jan-13 14:44:15

You posted about this voyeuristic, deviant pervert before.

No wonder you're depressed.

He stands and watches female soldiers changing??!

I think your view of what's normal is seriously distorted.

OwlLady Fri 11-Jan-13 14:44:33

is your toddler his son/daughter?

he doesn't sound right at all

MooncupGoddess Fri 11-Jan-13 14:45:24

Well, the OP has been regularly posting along these lines for about two years, as I recall, so I tend to believe she's genuine. Most trolls simply wouldn't have the stamina.

You don't need to accept this. You've written a dozen reasons to go, do you need help to get him to go?

I find it odd that this annoys you soo much when everything else he has done sounds bloody awful.

Hullygully Fri 11-Jan-13 14:46:07

I think he sounds FABULOSO!

A definite keeper!

Hullygully Fri 11-Jan-13 14:46:45

Oh come on, who hasn't accidentally wandered into a female barracks house and stayed to watch them change?

PatriciaHolm Fri 11-Jan-13 14:47:43

I really wouldn't bother, anyone. It'll just all get ignored, and irrelevant, disingenious replies made. The saga continues.

Leverette Fri 11-Jan-13 14:49:11

Hully grin

OP I don't buy the aerial story for one minute.

One day you'll have the police at the door after he goes just a little too far in his pursuit of illicit sexual thrills. That will be nice for your DC to see daddy marched away...but at least the general female population will be safer.

CryptoFascist Fri 11-Jan-13 14:49:23

Sorry but here we go again. op you've been posting about him for years now. I honestly don't know what you expect people to say. He's a hideous, horrific person and you need to leave him. But you haven't the strength. So you just post about him here. Where do you think it will end up? I don't mean this as an attack, I'm genuinely interested in what your plans are.

idococktailshedoesbeer Fri 11-Jan-13 14:51:50

Why are earth are you going out with a sex pest?

ShatnersBassoon Fri 11-Jan-13 14:53:44

OP, have you considered that all of this is a fantasy? Nobody stumbled across a load of women changing at a barracks. It couldn't happen.

sexlifedisaster Fri 11-Jan-13 14:54:02

I stay becausevI guess I don't think I'm worth much.

I'm getting older, our second chilld died, which I think he blames me for (I do, I can't help thinking I killed her), my mum& sister think I'll push into an affair & shoul keep quiet.

I've not confronted him about the videos - he banned me from watching them; then left them in the dining room. He'll go mad if I tell him.

JambalayaCodfishPie Fri 11-Jan-13 14:54:12

Sorry OP, that didn't quite appear as planned.

chiv·al·rous

Adjective
1.(of a man or his behavior) Courteous and gallant, esp. toward women.
2.Of or relating to the historical notion of chivalry.

Neither of these definitions match, do they?

Your use of the word, alongside what others have said disturbs me. Your mind is so confused, you believe all this to be normal behaviour.

Greer123 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:55:24

I've just written a response to somebody on another thread where I ended "Divorce is not a panacea", but in this case it is! For goodness sake get rid of him and let the police know what he's up to. His perving could be the tip of the iceberg shock

Floggingmolly Fri 11-Jan-13 14:55:54

Chivalrous. You're totally in denial, aren't you? He hasn't been fitting an aerial for two days hmm

ArtemisatBrauron Fri 11-Jan-13 14:57:12

Er... I'd be more worried that he seems controlling and intimidating to you - blocking MN from your router, banning you from watching videos?! That plus the pervy behaviour would be a deal breaker for me, get rid!

Getoutofmygumboot Fri 11-Jan-13 15:02:50

Can you even block a website from a router?

BelleoftheFall Fri 11-Jan-13 15:05:19

So:

- He's almost certainly a cheat.
- He's a voyeur with no respect for women.
- He uses Adultwork.
- He lies to you about all sorts of things.
- He tries to control you (blocking websites fgs)
- He shows little respect for you: leaving out those disgusting videos, helping out an ex-fuckbuddy, etc.

He's a disgusting individual and like Greer, I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing far fouler things than just spying on women. You should get the hell away from him.

Hullygully Fri 11-Jan-13 15:10:21

I think he sounds a bit tasty

Would he come round and fit my septic tank for a fiver?

izzyizin Fri 11-Jan-13 15:20:50

He may have been putting something up at an ow's house for the past 2 days, honey, but it sure ain't an aerial.

Why not go to her home and, in the unlikely event he's on her roof with a webcam, remove his ladder?

FringeEvent Fri 11-Jan-13 15:33:32

OP, do you feel like you could be happier without him in your life, if you could only get up the courage to leave? Or are you struggling to see how that might be better for you than the situation you're in now?

Would it help you to write out list of your fears, a specific bullet-pointed list of all the things, big and small, that are holding you back from leaving? And let us help you address those worries rationally and one at a time?

I know how hard it is to imagine life without your DP, who at one time probably made you very happy, but from what you've said (and I've only read this post, not your earlier ones) it seems pretty clear that leaving him would be far better for you and for your DC than staying with him. He doesn't treat you like a loving partner should, you don't deserve this, and you don't have to put up with it. You can't change him, but you can take control of your life.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 15:55:17

You need help, but not the kind that can be given on an internet forum.

Someone who writes the same thread over and over again, but name changes all the time, has a mental health problem.

Someone who is in a relationship with a criminal pervert, but who focuses on his fictitious chivalry, an unpainted fence and the lack of sex, has a mental health problem.

We can't help you here.

You are unwell.

Please see a doctor and ask for a psych referral.

BagCat Fri 11-Jan-13 16:04:15

He blocks your internet use yet finds it ok to use adult websites. Okaaaaaay.

And he's a creepy letch who stealth-films women. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Never mind the aerial, the 'signals' he's giving you are that you should leave him as fast as your legs can carry you. End of.

Lueji Fri 11-Jan-13 16:16:58

Oh, that thread...

You're still with him???

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:33:32

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Leverette Fri 11-Jan-13 16:40:13

HULLY you're killing me

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Fri 11-Jan-13 16:40:26

I agree with Bandinage, you need help that we can't offer you. I say this kindly - you need to see your GP.

You have accepted his behaviour for a long time. You are also exposing your children to this abusive man.

You are crying out for help yet you are stuck. You know you need to leave him yet can't. If you were feeling stronger you could move on.

It sounds as though your life is difficult and you have some complex emotions, you need help to deal with these.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 16:42:07

If what others said about posting before, its accept it or go, i'd be calling the police over him filming women without consent, thats digusting, hes probably a cheat, and i hope children arent being filmed too.

Seriously, get some fucking respect and leave.

QuickLookBusy Fri 11-Jan-13 16:50:07

Could you phone Women's Aid? They would be able to offer you advice.

You need to leave him, for the sake of yourself and your child.

AThingInYourLife Fri 11-Jan-13 16:52:41

Hully's right.

Ignore the others. They're just trying to make you leave him to free him up so they can be on the receiving end of a bit of his chivalry.

It might be old fashioned, but us girls still like a man who will leave us ill at home with no food so he can do jobs for other women.

What a gent!

TalkativeJim Fri 11-Jan-13 17:10:32

You live with a sex offender.

You have children.

This is going to blow up in your face sooner rather than later.

Given that your life is clearly completely shit with this abuser, WHY ON EARTH don't you leave??!!

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