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it's a new dawn, it's a new day dating thread 36!

(1000 Posts)
lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 12:30:38

Post away daters x

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 12:32:53

Well done Lulu. x

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 12:33:49

Are we gonna manage to fill this one up with mainly filth as well???

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 12:34:04

Thanks Flo for that!

Bant words of wisdom, as always, think I will explain that counselling is a forward looking thing, not a dwell on the past and that I am determined to change and deal with my insecurities in the future (maybe with some short term fall out though)

Ike totally get where you are coming from with the temporary step back from dating. In all honesty I don't think I can do that, I love being with him too much and there is a lot of laughter whichh I find really restorative.

Western, 48, Scrazy, Snape and all this thread is a life line, thank you

lubeybooby Fri 11-Jan-13 12:45:55

Place marking

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 12:53:15

Ike Of course grin

KirstyWirsty Fri 11-Jan-13 13:11:17

Place marking .. still going out with Mr Cheeky from work .. he is still being lovely and a total sex god to boot grin

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 13:19:15

Yep still going strong with Mr R&R despite all the stuff I have going on.

Hoping for oblivion tomorrow night all being well.

I seem to have sleep walked into a relationship shock

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 13:34:55

Following on from Lubey's posts at the end of the last thread, I've been thinking about my own situation recently quite a lot. LM is very keen on being open and honest which is great, it really is, but the problem is that I've not been open and honest. He knows the bare bones about the DV situation with my ex but not a lot (and tbh I don't want to go into it in any more detail with anyone, really) but I am feeling more and more compelled to talk to him about the effects.

Lubey has said very well what these are - the need for reassurance, the lack of self-confidence, and for me the total paralysis of whatever part of the brain needs to activate in order to be able to talk about emotions, good or bad. I have no idea if he's aware of the first two things as I try very hard to hide them, but it's becoming more and more of an effort to keep the mask in place and I don't want to do this any more. Not that I want to turn into a total needy wreck or anything, and I really, really don't want to get heavy on him but I do feel that I want/need to talk to him about this shit. I very nearly did it last night on the phone but he had a friend round so it wasn't the time.

I think though it might actually be easier for me to message him about it, at least as the first shot, kind of thing.

So . . . two questions.

a Should I raise this subject with him at all? and
b If I do, can I do it by messaging/text to open the door a bit and follow up with a proper chat later on?

Oh, and a final question - if someone did this to you, would you run screaming for the hills?

Marking. I am meeting Mr Vague early evening. I'm just not feeling it and think this has to be make my mind up time. I feel quite down about it, he is another one of those where all the smug marrieds would as Snape said, say I'm being 'too picky'. I may need someone to come at me with my own fish later sad

Western yes talk to him. Face to face would be better, but if you can't just outline it but let him know you are sending it and why. Or, maybe write it but give it to him when you are with him. Othelu*rwise, you risk a melt down at some point.

Lulu what everyone else said. If you don't want to step back, maybe try to give yourself a couple of days after the counselling to process stuff before you see him. He sounds lovely.

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:39

Western it was me Lulu not Lubey!!

Well I have told Mr Ex Army a lot about my experience, which was mainly controlling and manipulative behaviour with some physical stuff. I didn't even realise I was in an abusive relationship, until it ended and my Doctor suggested it to me and I denied the reality even then. So I am spending a lot of time reflecting on past events and seeing them through new eyes. and despite my fears of earlier today he hasn't run for the hills and he has dealt with plenty of shit he didn't sign up for in the beginning.

When I read your post, I see my thoughts in it - not that I want to turn into a total needy wreck or anything and I really really don't want to get heavy on him, do you recognise that even by posting that you are more concerned about the impact telling him will have on him rather than your own need to share who you are with someone you care about. And I only point that out, as it could be me writing that.

I think if you feel the need to tell him and open the door a little bit then you should. Maybe a little bit of information, an insight and then see how he responds - hopefully you can gauge from that how he would respond to more and build from there.

I think most people will say talk face to face, but I'm like you and I find it difficult to get stuff out of my mouth unless it's a meltdown and that's not helpful. so I have emailed Mr ExArmy when I couldn't say stuff face to face and he then brings it up on the phone or when talks more when he sees me. Having said that, I can tell he doesn't like all the gory details, or rather, it's not he doesn't like it, he just doesn't know what to say sometimes as it is an outside his realms of experience.

I don't know if this all helps or not?!

Bant Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:50

I think a response I'd like to use when a smug married tells me I'm being too picky is to look at their spouse and say 'better than not being picky enough'

That's only for SM couples who I don't want to see again though

AndLibbyMakesThree Fri 11-Jan-13 13:56:02

Juliette, I hate having a date planned but not 'feeling' it - like you, I've found it quite depressing. But I think it's a good idea to see this as the date where you'll make up your mind one way or the other. Sorry I can't remember what you've posted about Mr Vague before - what are his good and bad points?

OWW, it seems you have a strong relationship with LM, and you said he likes being open and honest, so I think you should raise these things with him. What I've done in the past (as I'm a bit of a coward) is mention in an email that there's something I'd like to discuss next time I see Mr C, because that kind of forces me to bring it up whereas otherwise I'd probably wimp out. I think having to go on keeping a mask in place is going to be very difficult for you. And no, I wouldn't run screaming for the hills if I was him - I'd rather understand more about the person I was with, and why they react as they do, rather than having to guess at things all the time.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 14:06:37

God, sorry Lulu and Lubey. My head's a mess today.

I think I am going to have to text him or something otherwise I will just keep on wimping out.

Well spotted Lulu - yes, I am more concerned about what impact this will have on him and whether he will want to carry on with me. That is the major worry for me in all this but it's got to the point where I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not and it's making me feel ill. I almost wish I'd never started dating. If I'd realised I was going to feel like this, I don't think I would have started. When I'm actually with him, it is wonderful, but it's all the crazy stuff I make up in my head when we're apart that is very hard to cope with.

He said he's going to phone me today so I think I will send a message this afternoon before he does.

bant I'm with you on that one.

libby good points, he is great, we're on the same page, can talk about anything, we laugh a lot, nice looking, gym fit. Bad points I just don't fancy him, this may be because he pounced on me on first date and keeps pushing in different ways, he may be tight with money.
So I feel like its me when logically I know it isn't as I know myself and I'm usually very very tactile.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 14:29:03

Juliette - well, giving it one more go is very generous of you. But, if you don't fancy him, are you sure you want to go tonight? Sometimes people can be a bit of a slow burner but it doesn't really sound like there's any possibility of that here with the pouncing etc. And a tightwad is never attractive. Where are you going tonight - your choice I hope?

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 14:29:44

western I think one of the side effects of abusive relationships is that you get very good at pretending to be someone you are not but the person you think they want you to be!

I am Queen of the amazing when I'm with him but go through private agony when apart.

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 14:32:31

I don't know any smug marrieds. They all have their problems. Some are staying together because of the house shock

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 14:42:00

Juilette If you aren't feeling it, it probably isn't gonna happen.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 14:43:06

Yes exactly Lulu - he thinks I'm very funny, happy, calm and confident. I wish!! Actually, I am that person too just not all the time.

Working up to sending message. Don't want to sound ominous or set him worrying. What should I say?

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:58:03

In fairness Jules you were being generpus with that assessment as you didnt even mention the leather coat and trilby....yeah a decision is going to have to be made soon because within reason moving onto the 'next level' will soon be on the cards...

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 15:04:33

western yes, maybe pretending wasn't the right word - presenting is perhaps better, you present the best parts and keep the angst hidden.

I'm trying to think of how to word a message, I know Bant was brilliant when I wanted to send an email to Mr ExArmy a couple of months ago .......

I think the idea upthread of just saying you want to talk to him will force the issue as he will ask you about it, but then you have to prepare what to say when he asks!

How about ..... I'm just sending you a quick message, because now I have got to know you better I would like to tell you a little more about me and my past. It's NOT anything to worry about, but I do keep losing my nerve when I am with you and I am hoping by telling you that I would like to talk to you, it will mean I have to do just that!

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:19:50

Hello & HNY dating thread smile
Haven't posted for several threads now (for a myriad of reasons), but have mostly kept up with the reading. Am pleased for those of you who seem to be in relationships, but sad to hear those of you who've been having more trying times. Just a couple of things that made me really want to post - but please ignore if my comments don't resonate for you.

lulu as your counselling is (unsurprisingly) bringing up strong emotions, have you discussed with your counsellor how you might handle these feelings? For example, whilst I'm not a fan of CBT as a standalone counselling style, there are scenarios where it is very helpful and this sounds very much like one. Another option might be the use of therapeutic journal writing.

Juliette I wonder why you are continuing with Mr Vague? You've mentioned that you are normally very tactile, yet you don't welcome his overtures. To me that's saying you plain don't fancy him and so strongly that it seems unlikely the situation would change. When one person is demonstrating their keenness by being touchy feely and the other is feeling groped, really what is the point of continuing?

As I said, just my thought and do ignore if they don't chime.

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:23:51

Juliette a friend of mine once described the identical behaviour towards him by two women as being 'manhandled' by one and 'affection' by the other. As an outside observer, the behaviour really was identical, what was different was how he felt about each of them. He ended up having to apologise to the first one as he'd really upset her a great deal. This scenario keeps coming to mind when I read your posts on Mr Vague.

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 15:25:03

joyless I am going to do that, it was only my 2nd session yesterday and the first one was before christmas and was more of scene setting one. Maybe I was a bit naive in thinking I was going to just leave it all at the door hmm

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:26:59

OWW how about you tell him (either on the phone or face-to-face) that you'd like him to know more about your past and how it affects your behaviour now, but that you find it difficult to talk about in person. Then ask if he'd be OK with you e-mailing him. I know you mentioned messaging (and I assume you meant text) but its such a big subject that it could be a) enormously disruptive to him and b) if he isn't able to respond appropriately and/or quickly enough, you may feel vulnerable.

Again, just my thoughts which you can ignore if they don't fit.

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:29:33

Not naive at all lulu ... we've all been there smile and it being the second session certainly explains why you were so ambushed. May be as well to let the lovely Mr ExArmy know that too. Awareness is a large part of the battle - both for you and for others in your life.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 15:42:15

Thanks Lulu and Joyless. I think I am actually going to bite the bullet and talk to him about it as otherwise I will get so wound up not seeing his reaction, but I am going to have to open the door by texting I think, otherwise I will perpetually chicken out. Thank you both for the suggestions of what to say. I WILL do this today. Or tomorrow. grin

Thank you everyone, very very much.

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:49:26

No change in my dating world - there's a regular supply of hot coffee from Mr Unavailable and Mr Normal which is most enjoyable and a pleasant distraction but when what you want is a proper relationship and there just aren't the candidates ... Ho hum, ain't that always the way.

I've realised that I'm very good at listening to people's woes, but only seem to share mine with a therapist or with 'my man' (when in a relationship). Luckily my training requires that I'm in weekly therapy, but its not the same as having a hug whilst pouring out your worries (as Velvet has said most eloquently).

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:51:33

OWW maybe don't force yourself to unburden yourself all at once, just set yourself the task of opening the door. One step at a time eh? Good luck with it, I'm sure you'll find him a good listener (and a good hugger).

Joy I know why, it's because everything else is there. His pouncing is pouncing though, it's all a bit Benny Hill. That would put me off rrgardless, I am aware that if I don't want to this time that not being fair to either of us so its either try it out or call a halt.

It is an art exhibition, my choice and free grin

Should have said everything else is there for the first time in 35 or so dates.

Scrazy Fri 11-Jan-13 16:23:17

Place marking to catch up later. I've got a long weekend and not much planned sad. Also my stomach is churning over thinking about the one I've ended it with. It's been less than 3 weeks but wish he would get outta ma head!

Bant, how are you feeling?

Western, I wouldn't make a date to bring up all your past as such, let things flow naturally and maybe open up a bit more when you are chatting about serious stuff.

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 16:27:09

Yes, the everything else being there must be really frustrating. Enjoy the art!

Yogagirl17 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:38:16

Just place marking, will try and pop back later to catch up properly...if I can stay awake. This working lark is tough! wink

grinchie Fri 11-Jan-13 16:54:34

Afternoon all & hello new thread.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 17:46:51

Have done it, texted then he phoned so we've even talked about it a bit. He is bloody lovely. I think he thought I was going to finish it. We're going to have a talk once he's back home (he's away for a couple of days) - his suggestion. He's going to ring later to make sure I'm okay. So glad it's alright. Feel like there's a weight off my shoulders

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 17:51:39

western so pleased for you, the fear is often worse than the reality!

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 18:08:25

We are a right pair eh Lulu! Still we're both moving in the right direction. We'll get there sooner or later and it looks like we've found a couple of good 'uns.

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 18:18:57

we are!! and I agree ..... but you know, I'm sitting here knowing I won't see him till Monday and have just received a couple of jokey texts and I feel like shit because .... I don't even know why, he's trustworthy, decent, lovely and good but when I'm not with him I doubt everything!!! What a hangover from the past to get over! more wine probably isn't the answer but tonight its me, DD, dominos and a full glass x

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 18:24:43

I know exactly. I do. Even when I've just seen him I can almost physically feel that good feeling slipping away when I'm driving home. I'm going to try and fight it and not give those thoughts headroom but it's very hard.

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 18:29:16

Hey Lulu and dont forget Hirsute Hunks ...incase you need some visuals to help you relax further....x

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 18:49:57

yep nothing like a gorilla to take your mind off stuff!

BillMasen Fri 11-Jan-13 19:01:23

Date tonight with the geek girl. Number 3. I'm looking forward to it as she's nice, we get on well and I have no doubt we'll have a good time. It's all moving incredibly slowly due to child based inability to co-ordinate diaries, but that's fine. Feels like a chilled out catch up rather than a proper date.

In other sweet trolley news, moon girl texted on tues asking if she could call me for a catch up. I said later as I was busy, then nothing since. Meh.

Non OD related, but isn't it quite nice to have a but of a crush at someone at work. Nice bit of office flirting and feeling like a teenager when you bump into each other by the coffee machine. I'll call her MP and whilst I know it's a mutual crush (drunk work night out) it has zero chance of being any more so I think we're just enjoying the slight tension.

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 19:34:33

western I'm glad it's not just me, when he drives off, literally as he pulls away this coldness pulls at me inside, and driving away from his after having an amazing night or weekend I feel like crying.

It sounds so screwed up, even when I type it, I think, what will people make of that? I guess it's all tied up with self esteem and insecurity and yet, like you, most people who know me, bar my very closest friends would describe me as very confident, outgoing, bubbly etc and even my closest friends don't know it all. It is some comfort to know other people feel like that too.

mercury7 Fri 11-Jan-13 19:42:51

another one already!!grin
prompted by JoylessI'm going to look up 'therapeutic writing journal' I'm a long term journal writer so hopefully it shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

My dating news is no real change, I cant see me seriously looking for another fwb unless an existing one goes AWOL

no office flirting for mesad I work from home

Scrazy Fri 11-Jan-13 19:43:52

Bill, hope you have a lovely date.

Lulu, OWW, chill. A great night/weekend should have you grinning from ear to ear.

Scrazy Fri 11-Jan-13 19:45:32

Didn't mean that to sound flippant!

mercury7 Fri 11-Jan-13 19:48:24

lulu I've felt like that plenty times in the past but these days I'm relieved when they leave...
I still have loads of insecurities, does he really like me, will i see him again, blah blah, I often wish it could be over so I could put it behind me and stop wresting with all the bloody angst

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 19:54:29

Srcazy no problem! the silly thing I do grin from ear to ear, it's hard to explain the contrast of emotions.

Mercury I'm hoping that my counselling is going to help find away to deal with it all. Liking someone or loving someone makes you so vunerable and that's what I hate, being open to being hurt again.

Scrazy Fri 11-Jan-13 20:12:47

I think it's normal to feel angsty when you really like someone and it's early days. It's good in a way and doesn't happen with many guys.

Snapespeare Fri 11-Jan-13 20:27:01

Place mark. Been messaged by a Glasweigan who lives in Aylesbury on OKC. I will NEVER meet him, as although he is a high match 94%, single dad to two (far too young) boys, he's the same height as me and Glasweigan. I honestly can't abide the accent anymore.

Picky, picky, picky.

Scrazy Fri 11-Jan-13 20:28:21

Question about POF. If someone has sent you a message and you haven't replied do you still come up as being on-line in the row about your inbox?

Scrazy Fri 11-Jan-13 20:33:54

OK, I think I've worked it out as not!

grinchie Fri 11-Jan-13 20:34:58

mercury no office flirtation because you work from home?
Flirt with yourself, maybe? smile

fayster Fri 11-Jan-13 20:40:20

Lulu, glad he's proving to be a good'un. Just a thought, as well, if it's happened 4 times in 4/5 months, there couldn't be a hormonal influence, could there? Like Bant said, do be kind to yourself after a counselling session.

OWW, yours sounds good too, hope your chat goes well and you feel brave enough to share what you want to.

I used to get that panicky, self-doubting feeling too, but I don't with Mr Walking. It could be that that's because I just don't have strong enough feelings for him, but I actually think it's because I'm in a better place than I have been in previous relationships. My self-esteem and self-confidence are higher than they've ever been, and for the first time in my life, I genuinely believe that it's up to me to decide if a relationship is worth pursuing.

Have a great date, Bill!

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 20:58:42

fayster you must be a mind reader! I was just working out that I am due on this weekend and the first time it happened it was the day my period started and our second date ( so you have to hand it to him for not getting spooked)!! I'm going to check my diary for the other occasions now!

lubeybooby Fri 11-Jan-13 21:08:06

Ugh, I'm so tired. Glad this week is done.

Have a great date Bill!

I have decided to stop doing the asking with Mr iPhone. His turn now, though he did send a lovely message after the last date there's been nothing since. It's weird because I know if I text he would be happy and if I asked to see him he would in a heartbeat. So why not take the initiative you prat

Looking forward to seeing Ashton TallToy tomorrow though grin

mercury7 Fri 11-Jan-13 21:19:45

flirt with myself?
what you mean like, wink, as I pass the mirror grin

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 22:05:51

Merc I love a good gurn in the mirror...sets me up for the day!

grinchie Fri 11-Jan-13 22:35:49

mercury yes, why not? At least you won't have the 'who pays the bill' problems grin

smoothieooo Fri 11-Jan-13 23:29:57

Evening all

Lots going on with you all.

I have my first Match date tomorrow since Mr Punchy in Cambridge. Charidee worker based in Islington. We haven't yet spoken but are meeting for a couple of hours at 6. We'll see...

In other news, I was told by a work colleague today (who'd been watching Celeb Big Brother) that she thinks I look like Paula Hamilton. Great. An ex-alcoholic, raddled old has-been hmm

Bant Sat 12-Jan-13 00:16:45

Sorry Smoothie. You look nothing like her. Your mail profile picture reminded me of penelope cruz, more than anyone else to be honest smile

Well quick update from date with Mr Vague. He kept his hands off, no pouncing at all, I felt much more comfortable and there was a very, very brief snog at the end shock.

thingersandfumbs Sat 12-Jan-13 00:48:17

So, as a newbie here (on this thread, not on MN!) which sites are best? I registered on POF tonight and although there are some nice looking men there (which is obv the best way to judge character hmm) there are also some right tits!

Are there other sites which you would recommend?

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 01:13:15

Goodness me Jules could be a slow burner then...

Scattylatte Sat 12-Jan-13 07:51:53

Seems a much better experience juliette. Got to ask....what was he wearing?

Got date 3 with fireman Wednesday. I think it'll morph into a casual thing. He sometimes asks me if I consider him my plaything. Not sure what that means.

Got messaged by someone minus photo on pof. I asked for a photo and he got all uppity saying obviously 'it's just the body that counts'. He wanted an explanation as to why I wanted a photo. I gave up in the end.

OhWesternWind Sat 12-Jan-13 08:31:27

Well, that sounds an awful lot better, Juliette. Do you think you might see him again? Was any money spent?

Scatty - does he sound happy at the prospect of being your plaything? Otherwise it sounds like he's angling for something less casual ....

LM's back from his trip today but has his dcs for the rest of the weekend. So it's going to be into next week when I see him. Logistically it's difficult for us sometimes but at the moment I really want to see him so I'm finding it hard. Never mind, it'll only be a couple of days.

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 08:32:09

Morning all!

thingers I've come to the conclusion there's not much difference between sites really. You will still have a lot of unwanted messages, idiots etc wherever you go. PoF is possibly the worst due to sheer numbers of members.

Scatty you did the right thing giving up there. What a prat. (him)

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 08:33:02

OWW, aww keep busy where possible and it will fly by

watchoutforthatsnail Sat 12-Jan-13 08:42:29

morning - i agree with lubey, idiots on all sites.

Just checking something.. im talking to this guy on match. I actually fancy him, which is a bit different, as ususally its all a bit 'meh'. Emails are great, funny, lenghtly affairs, but only one a day. He only logs in in the working day and not at all during evenings nor weekends. We have been chatting since just after xmas and hes not asked for my number, nor asked to meet up, yet the emails are full of ' we should do.....' or ' how funny would it be if we....'
hes married or something, isnt he?

Other than him there is nothing on the radar at all. Since im actually now only going to go on dates with men i fancy and am excited about meeting, that has cut it down to almost nil.

or nil plus one thats most likely married.

Have just cancelled my match sub......cant really see the point of paying to not fancy anyone.

Scattylatte Sat 12-Jan-13 09:32:31

watch it's hard to tell. I've mailed men who are only there for 'chatting' as they call it. It's frustrating. My experience tells me if they don't ask to meet after a week or so there will some reason why. Could you suggest it? If he says no for limp reasons or backs out then you can decide whether you want a pen friend.

oww my instincts tell me he is ok with casual. He is a bit of a mix tbh. Not a prolific texter, not many phone calls. I do the organising 'are you free wed' and he has always been free on the dates I suggest. He tells me he really enjoys our dates, insists in paying, drives to meet me. He has asked why am I interested in him when I'm much cleverer than him (I'm not) and has said on 2 occasion 'I think I'm just a whimpiscal plaything to you' and text it too. Who knows!

watchoutforthatsnail Sat 12-Jan-13 09:38:04

scatty, ive found the same, if they dont ask, its because they dont want to.
Ill see what happens after the weekend..... im not going to ask him, if he wanted a date, he would ask.

Scattylatte Sat 12-Jan-13 09:41:31

That's it. Thing is even though they are on a dating site they may have very little intention of actually dating!

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 09:41:43

I seem to have a bit of a cold and feel crappy. I'm hoping it will turn out to just be an allergy thing because I really don't want to cancel on TallToy! Arghhh come on antihistmines, kick in, please.

Watch hmm I would be thinking the same... doesn't look good.

Scatty he seems a bit odd saying that when it's you that's done the organising etc, I could understand it if he was always trying to organise stuff and you refusing until it 100% suits you

Scattylatte Sat 12-Jan-13 09:50:10

lubey I hope it is an allergy and not something more flu like.

Yes, it's odd. Because he works shifts, has his son and a dog I try to be casual yet plan a bit and he's always totally agreed to my plans and makes efforts. In a jokey way he's told me that I run rings around him and when I told him something about my job the other day he said 'why are you integrated in me?'. It's mild insecurity I think which makes me chuckle as I'm really insecure!

Scattylatte Sat 12-Jan-13 09:50:48


fayster Sat 12-Jan-13 09:52:17

Welcome, Thingers. You can think about what you want from a site, then find one that fits. If you want lots of choice (good and bad) then go for the free ones, or the well known ones. If you want someone more specific, have a look at the more specialised sites (like Biker Match, or Muddy Matches). Or you can jump straight in to pof, and go through the steep but fun learning curve!

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 10:19:39

Good morning, and brrrrrrrrrrr, bit parky, innit ?

Lubey, good luck with staving off the lurgy, is it worth trying a very hot bath ( without TT grin ) in an attempt to kill it off ?

Watch, I'm thinking of cancelling Match too, I hardly look at it, usually only when I get notification of a wink, always from some man that I wouldn't want to sit next to on the bus, let alone date.

Juliette, woooooh, that's a bit of a turn up for the books then, perhaps it's one of those weird unexpectedly good things.

3 date offers for me, all GS, which has gone cra-zeee -
Mavis, so called because he puts me in mind of Coronation Street's Mavis Riley ' I don't reeeaaally know, Rita '. He's a librarian (me likey) but has a touch of the ' you didn't reply to me straight away, that's ok, you don't like me, I can cope, why would anyone like me ' about him which puts me right off.
Olive Oyl, nice smile, not much cushin' for the pushin' though ( meh ). Seemed to be rather monosyllabic and sporadic, sudden enthusiasm for a date, will travel to meet me.
Lizard Man, I'm somewhat concerned that he wants to meet me solely so I can have a look at his current health problem. I can tell you that if he whips out his inflamed, swollen, hot little extremity on a first date, it will be the shortest first date on record.

watchoutforthatsnail Sat 12-Jan-13 10:26:08

oh, me too mrsarse, plus i mostly get contacted by over 50 year olds on it. Im 34.

Im not paying for something thats no good, it makes no sense, and i dont have the money to waste. Im hidden on pof and have okc open at the momment, and have been chatting to someone else, again for about 10 days, who hasnt actually asked me out either..

are you actutally going to go on a date with any of yours?

mercury7 Sat 12-Jan-13 10:28:02

is anyone else hearing this when they see the current thread title:

re impending lurgey, if you are anticipating a night of hot sexy action the dopamin/endorphin high should be enough to keep it at bay, you may feel twice as rough the next day, but who cares so long as you get your fix tonightgrin

that's how it usually works with me!

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 10:35:28

Mercury, yes, I do, every time I read the title.

Watch, I know, it's weird, isn't it, how Match can be so good for some and not others. I think I probably will meet Lizard and Olive, it's difficult because neither of them sets my heart racing, I suspect that's a combination of me and my ishoos and the fact that neither of them writes particularly effusive or lively messages.
Mavis the librarian was very appealing until he pulled his ' poor me' message stunt, I get the feeling that may be one of the infamous 'red flags' everyone mentions.

Scattylatte Sat 12-Jan-13 10:46:45

Has mr lizard indicated he has a problem with his extremity mrs arse? it's already sounding intriguing but not in a good way.
'Poor me' to me, is an indication of attention seeking and immaturity especially before meeting.
I've not tried Match. Don't think I'll bother now. I have heard some raving reports about it though. Men don't seem to all go for the same type of woman when I see them in the street but part of me wonders if by paying they have an attitude of 'I'm going to find my ideal, nothing less, no compromise, I deserve it and now that I'm 55 that ideal is 34/enhanced/has no kids whatever

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 11:16:06

Oh Arse I understand they do all sound a bit boring....but this is so true of many I am afraid...I love a lively messager. Mountain Man was good at indulging me like that.

Have been in contact with Torso Rubber thinkin I might keep him on as cinema buddy. Mr N amuses me with his self assured sexxting and actually seems quite intelligent so might keep him on for middle aged amusement. Will be relaunching on POF soon with a newish image so I think a few options is good to keep boredom at bay!!!

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 11:17:29

Yes, Scatty, he's being treated for an infection in one of his extremities, I have been told how it's affecting him, how many antibiotics he is allergic to, his repeated GP visits. It's probably unfair for me to carp about it, as I did ask how he was.
I'm glad you think that my concerns about Mavis the Librarian aren't unfounded, I thought I might be being unreasonable. Unfortunately I have a track record of being attracted to introspective, sensitive men and I think sometimes that kind of behaviour goes along with the personality type - I'm trying very hard to move on.

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 11:21:46

Ike, I quite like boring ! It's a sickness.
It's good that Mr N is keeping up his entertaining sexting, I'm quite fond of a bit of text smut. Is Torso Rubber the one who likes leather ? ( not necessarily in THAT way )

48howdidthathappen Sat 12-Jan-13 12:32:01

Juilette A slow burner indeed wink

I had an unexpected night with Mr R&R. Round 2 tonight. As stress release unbeatable grin

Full update from date with Mr Vague in brief. Met at gallery, he was wearing a suit as he came directly from work. No pouncing of any sort, that meant I could relax around him physically. He suggested dinner after and I laid it on the line that I would very much appreciated it if he was inviting me but my budget didn't stretch to that. We went for a reasonably priced but excellent local place. He paid smile. This mini snog was initiated by me when we said goodnight. Next date Monday. I've also realised his impulsiveness is off the scale, one reason I've felt the need to mark out my boundaries with neon signs and that is something to be aware of.

48howdidthathappen Sat 12-Jan-13 12:50:24

Oh and Bill hope your date went well smile

fayster Sat 12-Jan-13 13:27:02

Sounds like you handled him brilliantly, Juliette!

I wonder where Bill is, 48. Do you think he might have <whispers under breath in shocked tone> stayed out?

lulubellaboozle Sat 12-Jan-13 13:31:57

Juliette that all sounds great, some things are self fulfilling aren't they, he didn't pounce, you relaxed, the date went well, you initiated the snog as a result! hope Monday has the same good vibes

48 you go girl! and Msarse inflamed, swollen, hot little extremity grin

Western ditto your feelings, patience is a virtue they say but it doesn't always feel like one, does it?

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 13:45:00

Torso Rubber loves clothes Arse especially Fred Perry and old mod labels....I was encouraged to feel the quality of his cloth on many occasions! He is also Mr Coke on the Cock. We had a great laugh mostly and he got my humour plus we had shared friends and cultural memories of the place where we I would like to keep in touch.

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 13:46:18

Ooooh 48 I am pleased and you deserve a good stress release lovely..

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 14:13:07

Oh right, Ike, did you meet him online ? ' Coke on the Cock' makes me laugh EVERY time.

48, Mr R&R sounds like he's a real tonic.

Juliette, agree with Fayster, that date sounds like a masterclass in man handling, I'm envious of your poise ( I have all the poise of Sue Pollard's clumsy younger sister )

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 14:38:35

Went back to bed for a while - still can't decide if it's a cold or not! Slept for 3 hours though so that can't be a good sign after a full nights sleep confused

Oh well I feel a bit better anyway so don't think I'll be cancelling.

Need to go food and beer shopping now. Bloody Tesco order effed up.

OhWesternWind Sat 12-Jan-13 15:46:13

Going out for tea tonight with lovely lovely LM and various offspring. No Coffee but I don't care. Just glad he asked us smile

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 15:51:08

yeah I did Arse was dating him for two and a half years -met on Match. He has just texted to ask if there was anything interesting I fancy film wise so I reckon Ill do that...we will probs get the best of each other as mates...

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 15:52:28

....put it this way I will not be running my hands through his rugs tonight!

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 16:55:14

well I've been and stocked up on beer, wine, food etc and typically enough no reply to my 'all ok for tonight?' text that I sent just over an hour ago. We hadn't set a time so I presumed we would be doing that now (ish)

Gahhh come on TT tell me I didn't just go shopping for nowt...

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 17:04:20

Ike, that sounds quite heartwarming, that you met someone whose company you enjoy so much that it's endured past the end of your relationship.

Lubey, hope TT has firmed up by now ...

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 17:08:56

Nope still nothing... off to run a bath anyway hmm

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 17:11:32

Any chance he's having a siesta to preserve his strength for this evening ?

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 17:24:34

Could be... he didn't confirm til quite late last time either (he was just checking it was still ok before he left I think as he has a 30 min drive) but we had been text chatting and sorting out the time the night before, this time we haven't confused

BillMasen Sat 12-Jan-13 17:51:09

Hi all. Very nice date last night. Drinks, very good food (I paid). Back to hers for Coffee and yes I did "stay out" whoever asked. Then been to pick my kids up so you're getting a quick update while they're in the bath smile.

It's all fine, slow and no pressure.

48howdidthathappen Sat 12-Jan-13 18:00:19

Bill No pressure. My sort of thing smile

Lubey TT could be having a kip. Men do seem able to drop off any time of day.

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 18:04:03

still nothing confused and I'm pretty much ready...

Wondering at what point do I give up and invite The Stig over instead

SweetSeraphim Sat 12-Jan-13 18:06:34

I'd ring him Lubey, and say just that. "Hi - are you still on for tonight? Because if not, I'm going to make other plans"

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 18:22:23

He just text... said mine had only just come through hmm asked if I had started cooking yet and said he has to be honest he feels lousy... I replied not cooking but did get stuff in especially, but I'm not gonna drag him over here if he's ill. Will see what he says (hoping it's a 'just woke up' kind of lousy and that he will perk up... )

Ah! He just replied. Claiming 'onset of manflu' and he's going to have a lemsip and see if it helps.

I said to let me know by 7ish

Alittlestranger Sat 12-Jan-13 18:38:03

<sigh> I have a date next week with someone who is far too attractive for me and I know is going to be disappointed. I will be his learning curve to trust the least attractive picture. sad

I hate feeling like this because it makes me really un-flirty because I know I hate it when people I'm not attracted to flirt with me and I don't like doing it to other people. I think OD is starting to give me ishoos... confused

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 18:48:00

Alittle - just flirt anyway! Doesn't have to be blatant. Nothing wrong with a slightly cheeky glint in the eye and air of flirty mischief.

I was convinced there was no way TT was attracted to me but well, he was...

Bant Sat 12-Jan-13 18:52:08

stranger the fact that you think he's attractive is a good thing. The fact you think he's too attractive is possibly down to your self esteem. He asked you out, didn't he? How about you let him judge what's attractive to him.

He could be thinking he doesn't stand a chance with you, as you're great. Going into it with a 'you're far too good' for me is going to put people off.

He fancies your pictures, he wants to spend time with you, you're a catch, ok?

Scrazy Sat 12-Jan-13 18:52:26

lubey hope his lemsip kicks in.

Alittlestranger. He is lucky you agreed to a date, keep that in mind.

Another lonely Sat night in for me sad No dates on the horizon and all quiet from the last one, but that's a good thing in the long run.

JayARC Sat 12-Jan-13 18:58:13

Hello daters, can I join? I'm in the middle of cooking dinner for a guy I've been seeing for a couple of months, who is actually a great example of self absorbed, arrogant, critical, makes me generally feel rubbish - he IS a red flag...ishoos? Well mine are clearly alive and well - he's just affirming quite how little self worth I have left. Once this is over (bound to be soon) I need to work on my confidence before I set foot near a man. Turns out I can't do casual and I can't do receiving no positive affirmation whatever. Who knew? I did! But clearly needed to learn the lesson again. It is with heavy heart tonight I cook this meal, which will inevitably be criticised. Even I think "I'm better than this shit".

I've been following this thread and thought I'd delurk for moral support, to give and receive.

Plus even with the sex I think he's the most selfish lover I've ever met. So the question is why am I a masochist. Gah.

Have a good night all

Alittlestranger Sat 12-Jan-13 19:05:35

Thanks guys. <slaps self> Will bring my A game and see what happens.

grinchie Sat 12-Jan-13 19:06:50

Jay why are you still with him? Stop!
Tell he's dumped & he can shove it then get under the shower while the night is yet young, go out & see a friend/out on the town/get a bottle of wine and your favourite takeaway and a dvd just for you.

Why put up with it?

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 19:09:01

JayARC wouldn't you have a better time cancelling, eating the food yourself, and erm... attending to yourself in other ways shall we say rather than putting up with that shit?

Then you have an easy way to end it too. Cancel due to being ill, then be ill an awful lot. Forever.

grinchie Sat 12-Jan-13 19:09:14

Sorry, yes stranger Bants is on the money on this one too - let him decide what's attractive.
If you are having a low day channel Debbie Harry circa 1979 (or insert your own foxy inspiration here) that's what I always do, it gives me the kick to get out of the door.

48howdidthathappen Sat 12-Jan-13 19:12:46

Jay Cancel. Cancel. Cancel.

Take control. You will be empowered. It is a good feeling smile

KirstyWirsty Sat 12-Jan-13 19:13:08

What grinchie said Jay

Bant Sat 12-Jan-13 19:16:01

jay I agree with lubey. Cancel cos you're sick. Then dump. Most of us are on this thread because we didn't want to spend our lives being treated like shit, and are hopeful there's something better. Cancel, dump, date and find someone better, or just treat yourself better than he does

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 19:20:18

Jay, another one saying ditch the git and tell him to make sure the door doesn't hit him on the arse on the way out. He's a tosspot.

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 19:23:52

Lubes...whats the story on TT? Torso Rubber has just informed me he has a work shift tonight...Lol reminds me of why we are not 'together'...that's ok as an easy going friendship thing I am fine with loose arrangements broken. I think for me until I find someone really worthwhile keeping a few male 'friends' is the way to go ...little investment then hopefully not too much disappointment...

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 19:28:01

Jay deffo dont bother...why are you putting yourself through that??? Actually Bill your situ with Geek Girl would be fine by me...nice!

48howdidthathappen Sat 12-Jan-13 19:29:30

How are you Bant? Still finding plenty of humour in life I hope smile

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 19:32:54

Not heard anything ike so guess I'm eating my quesadillas by myself then!

Texted The Stig no reply from him either but he was a long shot anyway at such short notice. Oh well I'm not all that bothered to be honest.

Would have been nice making use of a kid free night for some debauchery but I'm very happy in my own company and enjoying the peace and quiet!

lubeybooby Sat 12-Jan-13 19:39:06

Hahah! scratch that above post. Just got an apologetic text saying he's feeling a bit better after lemsip and falling asleep and asking if he is still ok to come over. I have said yes... so he's having a shower and then on the way grin

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 19:42:53

ok ...sounds genuine and willing. lol. enjoy

KirstyWirsty Sat 12-Jan-13 19:57:04

Have fun lubey grin

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 20:07:06

Tell him not to bother with the will have him in there as soon as he steps through the door...

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 20:09:31

That's good news, Lubey, enjoy yourself (not that there's any chance you won't)

I have no idea what they're feeding liberal, sensitive types in the south east today but GS continues to go berserk - 4 messages in the last hour. I'm going to maintain the fallacy that I may well be on a hot date tonight by not replying to them until tomorrow when in reality I'm half-watching Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards cavort in a swimsuit.

lulubellaboozle Sat 12-Jan-13 20:26:00

Lubey enjoy, bet you can rid him of that "manflu" pretty darn quick.

Jay there is nothing worse than being with a man who makes you feel shit about yourself, you aren't married to this guy, you've been seeing him for a couple of months - cancel and dump pronto!

I'm also watching Eddie the Eagle and the assorted "celebs" cavorting, then its Take Me Out, I play along and decide when I would no likey no lightey

lulubellaboozle Sat 12-Jan-13 20:28:58

Jay just a thought - the fact that you recognise who and what he is, is a good thing - it shows you KNOW you are worth more, maybe you have more self worth than you think - now ramp it up and ditch the dirtbag!

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 20:33:37

I'm afraid, Lulu, that I say ' no likey, no lighty' in real life more than a grown woman probably should.

Also, is Saturday night now officially 'Bolton Night' on the telly ? Bloody hell.

MsA do you think you've been 'featured' on the home page or ahem, the actual paper?

Jay no. Read your post back, why would you allow this? No question about it, get rid, that is the very first thing you can do for your self esteem.

Stranger yep, he chose you. Wonderful you. Think about that wink

lulubellaboozle Sat 12-Jan-13 20:37:46

MsArse grin, fussy is good though, no?

deffo Paddy over Vernon for me, although they would both need to keep quiet!

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 20:45:54

Juliette, bloody hell, I hope not. OM literally G. shock

Lulu, wouldn't do either, I've never done a Boltonian and I ain't going to start now.

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 20:47:38

Mr N texted me a while back to find out what I am doing tonight...told him I was going to the cinema with a male friend (which was true at the time) think he s gone off in a strop now pop to the local for a few drinkies with a friend have a chat with the pole dancing...

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 20:48:50

Have one for me, Ike ( a drink, not an octo )

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 20:49:19

Wow...its just as well for mates tho innit ...if I was banking on the chaps to come up with the excitement I would be in bed early tonight...

Scrazy Sat 12-Jan-13 20:51:40

Take me out for me too tonight, then a chat with a friend for a good moan. Found someone on POF who looks attractive is articulate and lives in my little town!!! Come on, message me back or your a loser.

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 20:51:57

Tho maybe Mr N had some hot sexy stuff in mind...who bloody knows ...honestly unless he is drop dead gorgeous I am NOT participating in any cocky v's pussy action with him...

Scrazy Sat 12-Jan-13 20:52:54

you're blush

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 20:53:16

Attractive AND articulate??? No way!!!

MsArsebiscuit Sat 12-Jan-13 20:57:07

Have you told him about your iron knick-knacks, Ike ?

Get in, Scrazy !

Scrazy Sat 12-Jan-13 20:58:40

I sent a flirt, then he sent me a message, couldn't believe he lives so near, so sent a nice message back and still waiting for a reply. Maybe he is playing it cool confused, or is a prick!

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:08:35

Yes he is fully aware of the situation...he does persist ...truth to tell if he is good looking I would consider a shag at some point but really I am NOT taking a bloke 12 years younger than me remotely seriously!

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:09:13

Perhaps he has gone for a poo Scrazy...

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:14:49

Interestingly Mr N's sexxting does seem to indicate a good knowledge about how to please...I have shot him a few questions and he has responded instantly and comprehensively. I have a sneaky feeling he writes for x rated mags cos he tells me he writes for journals but not which ones....

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:15:33

'journals'...get me poshing it up 'wank mags'

lulubellaboozle Sat 12-Jan-13 21:18:59

Ike grin shot him a few questions and he has responded instantly and comprehensively I'm trying and failing to think what those questions could have been?!!

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:22:35

I know ....just testing him..haha

Hi all, may I join you? Just taken my first foray into OD, have joined Lovestruck and found the first few days a little overwhelming if I'm honest! Anyway got a possible coffee date tomorrow morning with Mr Tv producer, but he's single no kids and I'm separated with two young DC's so have pretty much already ruled him out... But he seems keen. Got another coffee date lined up for Tuesday morning with Mr slow to reply, but I am excited about that one as on paper he sounds great and his messages are thoughtful and intelligent IYKWIM.
Only been separated 3 months but feel ready to be treated nicely by a new man smile
Enjoying reading all your stories!

ike1 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:36:50

Hia Daydream ...oh sounds quite successful! Never tried Lovestruck will have to check it out!!

Ike, it seems like a good site, I haven't bothered with POF or Match as have heard there's lots of shit to trawl through... Did go on MSF a few years ago but found all that 'my mate is amazing' talk a bit cringey.

KirstyWirsty Sun 13-Jan-13 08:59:00

Well lubey how was your night?? wink

Nomorepain Sun 13-Jan-13 08:59:14

Welcome daydream! I used to read your previous posts! You are amazing. Loving that you are up for OD!!
Hope it all goes well for you

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 09:26:57

Morning all grin

Not stopping, back off to bed in a sec to join that nice young man TT. Oooh my word he is just delicious. I fucking love my life grin

as you were

OhWesternWind Sun 13-Jan-13 09:29:02

Talking about love struck, that's me, that is. grin

Wonderful evening with the children and LM last night. Think we are very similar in parenting style which is great. A couple of times I heard him having the same "behave yourself" type conversation almost word for word that I was having with one of mine. Both of us have similar tolerances for how much silly behaviour is okay and when the line is crossed. Children had an absolute ball. Even went back to his for an hour after the meal so they could carry on playing. He's great with all the children even dd who can be Miss Preteen Madam when she gets going. And his seem to like me.

I love doing this family stuff, hadn't realised how much I missed it. Or never really had it as ex would either opt out, sulk or go on his phone when we were supposed to be doing stuff together. In many ways I've been like a single parent since I've had children. Ex said he wanted children and had plenty of time to change his mind as it took ages for me to get pg the first time, but I don't think he did want them at all. Never showed interest in them or wanted to be with them.

Very frustrating though, didn't even get a kiss! But it will wait. He asked me what I needed to talk about, had v brief conversation but too many interruptions. But I'm getting there.

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 09:52:36

Lubey the quesadilla's hit the spot then? grin

western it sounds wonderful and nothing less than you deserve!

I'm making do with a 'morning darling' text and a few virtual hugs and kisses, roll on tomorrow evening!

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 10:11:48

Good morning everyone.

Hello Daydream, I think that believing you deserve to be treated well by a new man is a great attitude to have.

Lubey, jealous ? Moi ? Oh no no no. Have a fabulous time.

OWW, your post is so touching, I'm so pleased that things are going that well for you, you absolutely deserve your happiness.

Lulu, with any luck tomorrow night will arrive before you know it.

Scattylatte Sun 13-Jan-13 10:53:29

oww sounds good to me.
lubey the lemsip obviously did the trick!
It sounds like it will be ok lulu
mrsA did you follow up the librarian or man with the scales?

I'm staying in a hotel Wednesday and had asked fireman whether he wanted to go to the cinema. He did. Last night I thought oh bugger it, it's a night without driving and said cinema is fine but I also thought maybe just going out and having a drink is better as there is opportunity. He's up for it. Apart from that short half snog there has been no physical contact so we will see what happens. He did text 'see u wed for some wild times!' Gawd.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 11:11:39


Busted by my DD shock she turned up just as he was leaving. Thank christ she wasn't any earlier blush wasn't expecting her back til 2pm. Blummin teens!

It wasn't awkward though actually they just said a friendly hi to each other and I did a very quick intro, DD buggered off upstairs and I waved TT off.


I have had a wonderful night/morning. Yum.

Lulu yes he was tres impressed with my quesadillas. We got a bit sozzled again too and I've had about three minutes sleep again grin

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 11:12:55

OWW I love your post, that's all so lovely grin

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 11:54:43

Arf, Lubey, teenage discomfort with their parents having a sex life makes me laugh so much, as far as mine are concerned I'm merely a cooking/washing/cash dispensing machine - god forbid I have a life outside the home.

Scatty, are you just nervous about the relationship moving further than the half-snog ? Perhaps it'll all fall into place and feel very natural once you have a conducive, relaxing atmosphere.

This morning I've replied to-
Lizard Man, he wants to meet up at the weekend

Olive Oyl, although he sent me a slightly suggestive message which made me go a bit ' How very dare you !'

New Celt, who I'd been messaging via email until he seemed to take umbrage at me not wanting to exchange phone numbers so early on. After taking this as a Knobber Alert, I didn't bother emailing again, he got back in touch yesterday, all ' I was hoping to have heard from you'. I've told him that as he appeared to be somewhat ambivalent, I took it as a signal to let him be. I'm interested to see the tone of his response.

I've not replied to Librarian yet, I don't enjoy the feeling that I may be being manipulated.

I've made Talent Show wait for a reply to his email. I do like him very much but I strongly suspect he's another in the long line of ' sensitive men wot fink too much and end up wallowing in angst and self-flagellation' that I seem to be attracted to.

OhWesternWind Sun 13-Jan-13 12:00:45

Lubey ha you were soooo busted!! It's like when you were a teenager and your parents came home early except the other way round.

Lulu not long to wait. Hope you have a great time tomorrow. He really sounds lovely and it's obvious he really cares about you.

Scatty well he's got the bit between his teeth now hasn't he? There'll be no stopping him.

Arse thank you! Is it a limb type of extremity that's afflicted or ahem the penile type? Urgh scaly willies, put me off my dinner that will.

Ike how are those octos doing?

48 I think you've struck gold with Mr R&R. Hope your mum's doing okay.

Planning the Lego day out with LM as I finally got my courage up to ask and he thinks it's a great plan. Will be easier next time.

Scattylatte Sun 13-Jan-13 12:12:02

I am nervous about going beyond the half snog. I'm really nervous about being naked as I've had a breast reconstruction and its quite obvious it's not 'real' on one side if I stood there naked. In underwear it actually looks very realistic and you wouldn't know but naked its a mound. I've not been with anyone new since I had it done. He knows nothing and I don't want to shock him either.
What do I do? I'm half thinking I should go back to the cinema idea but also I don't want to make a big deal out of this either.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 12:12:10

OWW yay for legoland! grin that's great to hear. well done!

And yes it was just like being a teen and parents turn up early.

The good thing about DD being 16 and having her own bf now means at least any hint of me having a life isn't met with disapproval, because she finally is interested in boys, she understands why I am too!

We had an awful stage when she was about 11 to 13 and she just hated any hint of my having a boyfriend and was jealous and just didn't understand why anyone would want one. She doesn't give a toss now.

We have a privacy agreement not to question each other or give tmi either. She knows she can come to me with any problems or questions with things like contraception but strictly no gory details! (my mum had me when she was 15 and made the mistake of being friend rather than mum - complete with tmi, often... urgh)

She did give me a wink when he left and said 'he's tall' wink which is code for 'I know you fancy him' grin I just grinned!

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 12:15:53

Scatty if he likes you and is a nice chap I'm sure it's really not going to matter to him. We are often so needlessly paranoid about things

Scattylatte Sun 13-Jan-13 12:23:24

Thanks lubey I know and he seems nice. It's how to casually drop it into conversation so that the message goes across without it being too medical or dramatic. I actually really like my body since I had it done, it's more the issue of his potential reaction.

ike1 Sun 13-Jan-13 12:27:56

Walked home by an octo last night! Sigh.....

Scatty the one thing I can promise you is it will be absolutely fine. I know this because I also have a breast reconstruction. I have had lovely relationships since then, not one reaction that wasn't either tender or a simple 'ok'. You don't have to have the conversation in a big way or any way at all, you'll be surprised how its a non issue.

I have had times where its happened very quickly and they didn't notice (yes, I know but I don't think that's the priority in the heat of the moment), times when I have said something because it's come up naturally, times when they have felt the difference (my lovely younger man just said "Operation?" and carried on) times when I have announced it. From reading was you've said about the the fireman, I suspect he will either say, 'ok show me' or just 'ok' which is about as much a reaction I've every had. Just do what you feel like doing. Feel free to pm me if you want to.

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 12:42:22

Ah ok, Scatty, that's completely understandable, does he know that you've had any health issues ? This is the chap who's a fireman, isn't it ? ( if it isn't, please excuse me, I'm rubbish at remembering things ) - if he is, and I base this on knowing a lot of firemen, really very well, they tend to be very matter of fact about health/physical matters so hopefully he would be easy to talk to.
I was terribly worried about my caesarean scars when I first had sex with Maris, made sure that I mentioned it to him several times beforehand, fretted endlessly about it, turned out he was so happy to shag me that he didn't care. I think men are often like this - of course the 3 Bs may wish to contradict me.

carried on), and times...

and Scatty the 'show me' is either tender interest or more of a 'is it ok to touch' etc

JayARC Sun 13-Jan-13 12:54:37

Hello all, so nice to read about things going well.
Thank you for all your sensible advice. I told myself it's only one evening, it can't hurt. Hmm. Well it didn't hurt as my expectations were so low but it was soulless and pointless. I like the sex even though he is selfish but need to just stop seeing him, as you all say. Wandering around taking this kind of ambivalence and lack of kindness is really affecting my view of myself - it has to stop. Everyone deserves better than this, I am hard enough on myself. I'm sat here crying, I suppose because I just want someone to think I'm lovely, but I've lost belief that I have anything to offer at all.

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 12:55:36

OWW, Lizard Man has an infection affecting a lower limb, I'm a broad minded, compassionate and professional woman and I've seen some truly surprising sights but I suspect a scaly penis dropped into casual conversation might have been too much even for me. shock

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 12:58:14

Jay, I've got to go out now so will reply properly later YOU HAVE LOTS TO OFFER. Never believe otherwise.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 13:03:31

Jay I bet you a million quid you have absolutely tons to offer. It's because none of it has been appreciated that you think it isn't there. The first step is recognising little things yourself. Positive affirmation.

Please ditch the twat, he's no good for you - better to be single than put up with soul destroying rubbish.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 13:07:24

Oh and... Jay...

I can tell from your posting you are intelligent and articulate. So there's two things. You also seem very kind and lovely. I think you're lovely. So there's four things and someone who thinks you are lovely. I guarantee you it's not just me who will ever think that.

Now drop the dead weight (twat bloke) and you'll be on the right road in no time! grin

MirandaWest Sun 13-Jan-13 13:10:46

That was a lovely post to read OWW smile

Lubey Mr Nice has a 17 year old DS and I think he is fine with the fact his dad and I are having a relationship but doesn't want to know too much grin.

Jay please dump this dead weight. You have no idea how much more you are worth than this.

OhWesternWind Sun 13-Jan-13 13:18:16

Scatty I've no experience of this directly but I am sure it will be fine. You've had some great advice from people who know. Like so many things, the first time is the worst.

Jay sweetheart this man is doing you no good at all. Take back the power and ditch him. You have so much to offer and much, much more than this miserable man ever will. There's someone out there who has love and kindness to offer you so don't settle for less. Keep posting.

Scattylatte Sun 13-Jan-13 13:27:27

Thank you juliette and mrsa I really appreciate your responses, very heartening and I'm glad, above all, you are both well. I think I'm in a fizz because the fireman keeps calling me sexy. I keep thinking 'o god if only you knew'. I think I'll just say that's I've had an operation to rebuild a breast should the need arise to discuss or say something. He hasn't said anything derogatory about anything ever so I've no need to think he would think anything of my news.
Thanks again.
ike what's an octo?

48howdidthathappen Sun 13-Jan-13 13:37:39

Mr R&R has just left blush he is very good for me wink

JaY I have a saying 'behave like a doormat and some bastard will wipe his feet on you' There are plenty of decent men out there, dump the arsehole and set your sights on a good un. You are worth so much more smile

Scatty he won't think anything. I have pmd you.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 13:42:40

I love how lovely and supportive this thread is. smile

48howdidthathappen Sun 13-Jan-13 13:49:55

OWW Yay! for legoland. Its coming together.

Lubey Lemsip grin its good stuff.

Scatty No personal experience. Fireman thinks you are sexy. Go for it smile

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 14:01:41

It bloody is, 48 wink

ike1 Sun 13-Jan-13 14:12:24

An Octo Scatty is short for Otogenarian ...lovely gentleman fron my local...but a bit over my 'age range' requirements...

48howdidthathappen Sun 13-Jan-13 14:21:18

My DD is fine about Mr R&R. As long as she isn't around.

My DS on the other hand. Him being away in OZ does have one advantage smile

I have still got to write to Mr OZ. Been too difficult to do a fun letter, gonna just have to tell him the truth. Life is not all that rosy.

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 14:32:22

Jay, have you ditched the arse-faced, micro-penised, wank-nosed, personality-vacuum yet ? You know we're all right, do it, do it nahhhh ( that's my Ray Winston impression )

New Celt's reply has raised my hackles - he is a supercilious arse, it's not openly nasty, just patronising and twatty, do I send a snotty reply and block, block, or just ignore him forever ?

MsA supercilious arses are my speciality. I highly recommend passive aggressive killer response and block.

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 15:01:12

But if you just block with no explanation, he'll just go on and be patronising and supercilious to the next person. Surely if you explain, then block, he might be less of an arse to the next person. Wouldn't you prefer it if the last person he spoke to had done that to him, before he spoke to you?

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 15:05:33

But please share the passive aggressive killer response with us too!

Completely agree this is a lovely and supportive thread, a real tonic!

scatty I'm sure it will be fine, but I understand your concerns hopefully juliette's personal experience will put your mind at rest?

I think I am safe with MrExArmy and haven't fucked it up, need to have that grown up chat tomorrow and then keep working on sorting out these meltdowns! followed by some make up bedroom action grin

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 15:13:33

Ooh you lot, encouraging me to be arsey,

Oh go on then, you talked me into it...

48howdidthathappen Sun 13-Jan-13 15:20:01

Arse Reply. Enjoy. Block grin

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 16:01:39

' P,

Thank you so much for your prompt and comprehensive reply, may I just say that I found you quoting your earlier email to be particularly helpful as I'd forgotten quite how I irritated I was by it on first reading.

You have certainly demonstrated extraordinarily effectively why you prefer not to communicate via email, I am sure that both in person and on the phone your lyrical, twinkly Celtic charm is an irresistible force. This is not, sadly, the case on the page, where it is wholly absent.

With this in mind, I'm drawing a close to our correspondence as its fleeting diversionary value has now been exhausted.

Arse '

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 16:06:49

Arse brilliant! I particularly love the introduction I'd forgotten quite how irritated I was by it on first reading. oh my, I actually snorted and laughed out loud grin

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 16:09:56

Thank you, Lulu, I was going for ' fuck you, you muppet' channelling Lady Bracknell.

48howdidthathappen Sun 13-Jan-13 16:13:09

Arse That told him grin

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 16:14:44

you nailed it!! grin

Snapespeare Sun 13-Jan-13 16:24:29

arse <applauds>

No news here, just popped in to clap. :-)

BillMasen Sun 13-Jan-13 16:33:28

Regarding scars, lumps, bumps, marks and bits of body that you're worried about getting out. Don't be! I, and most other blokes I'd imagine, are pretty unlikely to care. It's not even "not care" it's more "not even something detrimental that you have to not care about". Confidence is sexy, you don't need a perfect body to be confident

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 16:47:55

I second bill.
Plus any bloke past his teens who isn't wholly self obsessed and arrogant is likely to have their own lumps and bumps they're worried about too.

Scattylatte Sun 13-Jan-13 17:08:28

arse Love the response. Wonder what he is thinking??
juliette. Thank you for your pm. If I've responded twice its coz I was out of range.
I'm embracing my lumps. Thanks to all.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 17:14:46

lubey - yay, sounds like you had fun.

oww - lovely post, pleased for you.

ive not known bumps to matter, not one jot.

No dating news at all. BUT, i am going out next weekend with a bunch of kids young people at work, whos jaws dropped when i told them i had to wait till dd went to her dads... and then dropped even further when i said i was 34. They thought i was the same as them, which is 20-25. This makes me very happy indeed smile

So happy of course, than im now going to tell EVERYONE. lol

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 17:26:15

Scatty, I suspect he is thinking 'what's upset her, the deluded cow'. He doesn't strike me as someone who questions his own appeal. I do feel slightly bad for being nasty to him though, I don't really like being unkind.

Watch, it's always pleasing when people think you're younger than you are, fair warms the cockles.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 17:34:03

it is, isnt it, which is a sure sign you are old!!! smile

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 13-Jan-13 17:34:27

Delurking briefly to Hi. My new year doldrums have evaporated and I am feeling much better!

This thread has been wonderful tonic and encouragement, would like to break the MN code and give you all a hug, as you've all helped me to keep going and not lose heart. I am so glad things are generally going so well, for so many of us on here.

I am back on the OD saddle full force and have signed up for Match and POF.

A two pronged approach. So far POF has been great (no cockshots) lovely chaps and chats! Match, not so much. The men on Match seem more 'serious' and I am quite a 'playful' personality, but there are a couple of men on Match who have prospects of pursuing me in earnest, so who knows at this point?

Have tried very hard not to buy any dresses, but alas, I am too far gone to stop with that particular obsession, 8 gorgeous dresses and counting blush. Hopefully some dates soon to wear them.

As you were.

WarmFuzzyFun x

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 18:00:55

Hello Warm, always nice to hear from another dress addict !

MsA now doesn't that feel better grin

Scatty enjoy!

I tend to like and appreciate the body of the man I'm with, I really don't care about a little extra weight, bumps, apparent imperfections. I've known model and athlete 'perfect' and normal and whilst a great body is always appreciated, there is always something about each man's body that is irresistible and it probably won't be the perfect bit but I will see it as perfect for me. I don't see why it should be any different for my partners.

oops MsA, crossed post. Meh to feeling guilty, he was probably well overdue for it.

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 18:26:56

Thank you, Juliette, he probably was overdue for it, his fatal mistake was in patronising me, it drives me wild.

I completely agree about male bodies, only one of the men I've had a relationship with had a 'perfect' body, it really was a beautiful, beautiful thing but it was attached to a man who had more ishoos than a bus load of Eastenders' characters. All the rest were imperfect but hugely attractive to me, at the time, because I loved/liked the person.

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 18:37:49

Alright. Can I make an appeal to mothers out there who are thinking of beginning to date?

While I completely understand, from my own experience, that babysitting can be expensive, flaky, unreliable and difficult to arrange at short notice, it really makes a huge amount of sense that if you think you're going to start dating one person several times, or several people once over the course of a few weeks, you need to have lined up all your ducks, pulled in your favours, got your babysitting circle tokens stacked up, whatever - so that when you have a first date and it goes really well, or your second date has gone great, then you don't end up telling the bloke - 'I'm really sorry I just can't get a sitter till my parents are back at the end of the month'.

Girl X is really nice, sweet, lovely, has a toddler. We had a date, it went great, we seemed to connect. We spoke about a second date, and joked about how it would be difficult to arrange due to mutual DC arrangements. I have my DC half the time and don't feel comfortable having sitters with them when they're with me so I don't go out those nights, but that leaves me every other weekend and several weeknights free. If I meet a great woman and I want to see her again for a second date, it really has to be within a couple of weeks of the first date. Texts and calls don't really do it, I've got to see how she looks, what the chemistry is like, how rude she is with the waiter, all that, and see how we get on once the nervousness of a first date is gone. If she can't get a sitter for a month, it's very likely I'll end up on a first and second date with someone without kids, simply because they're available and likely to be so in the future.

I don't mean to have a rant, really I don't. I know it takes planning, and I'd really prefer to date someone with DC as they 'get it'. But if you can't be fairly certain about childcare arrangements to give someone the time to get to know you, then wait to start dating until you are. Otherwise you end up having a few nice dinners and nothing will ever progress to more.

Nomorepain Sun 13-Jan-13 18:42:06

Having such a bad day today. Found out something terrible
About my ex today that really makes me question his ability/0posirion to look after my children. He was also pushing for more contact with them which is the first time in 10 months he has been interested then today when he picks them up he tells me that he is taking them to meet ow! They only got back together 3 months ago (allegedly?!?) and he thought today would be a good time for the introduction. I said the time wasn't right for the children - I have just started back at work, eldest at school, getting used to the namny etc and then said he couldn't take them out of the house as I couldn't trust him not to introduce them.

I feel so shit. But apparently today is a major dating day! My phone has been going crazy with messages! I am just not feeling it at all. Feel like the wind has been completely taken out of my sails.

Why can't he see that he is not doing what is right for the children!!!

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 18:46:31

Bant could you suggest lunch one day while the toddler is at nursery? presuming the toddler is old enough to have the free nursery place, or that she works and has a long enough lunch break that is.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 18:51:18

Nomorepain unfortunately as the co parent he is entitled to intro the kids to whoever he wants when he wants. You can't control that. And three months really isn't that bad? You refer to them as your children but they are his children too and there are very few parents in this world who are incapable. I thought you were going to say he had been shooting heroin or something!

My ex introduced his ow to my DD pretty quick. Not only that but then after 6 months or so he wanted her to call her 'mummy' - thems the breaks when you co parent. You have to suck it up however painful it is for you.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 18:52:25

Forgot to say - you wouldn't have him dictating to you when you can or can't introduce a partner.

ike1 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:03:52

Hia Dudes and Dudettes. Off to the cinema with Torso Rubber...have driven MrN over the edge ...will chat more later

ike1 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:08:57

Although I feel the pressure with TR already....heave you booked a ticket? No...what if it is sold out? Unlikely ...its sunday ....I am afraid to say Dudes that I find alot of blokes awfully the Jeff did I manage to get to 41 eh?

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 19:11:12

NoMore - I know its got to be tough, presumably the OW now is the same OW as when you split? I think 6 months is a good time limit, but for everyone it is different and while you may hate it, it's not, as lubey said, as if he's shooting up or something.

It's horrible but they are his children too, even if he's been a shit husband and father. You could, however, say to him that there are ground rules - they're not to call her 'mummy' but 'auntie bitch' or something, and if they break up within a year he doesn't get to introduce them to anyone new until at least he's been with them for at least a year or something.

Sorry about the situation though, I know it's got to be hard.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 19:18:13

bant, its not as easy as that. perhaps she has got babysitters, but has arranged other things, and is using them for that instead of dates with you.

babysitters are not a free and easy comodity. They cost lots, people dont want to babysit all that much, they have their own lives.

You cant line up babysitters on the off chance you have a good date and want to see someone again. Odds are, as you know, dates are rubbish. It would be madness to line up lots of babysitters every time you met someone for the first time.

I understand your frustration, but it is how it is. You either have to get creative with your time, ie lunches, dates in nursery time.. etc, or, frankly, just suck it up, because it is how it is, and is hardly her fault.

Of course, it could just be that shes not all that bothered and is using the babysitter get out.......

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 19:26:12

Ike - you've pushed Mr N over the edge ? With your saucy talk ? Enjoy the film, make sure TR buys you a fancy ice cream as compensation for being irritating.

Nomore, that must be very hard but unfortunately I don't think it's worth getting yourself upset over something you have no say in, that way you just set yourself up for more stress.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 19:28:18

no more. Im sorry, its crap.
I understand how you feel. However, as his father, he is their parent, and he can chose ( and the law also states this) that when he has them, he can do what he wants and this includes introducing them to any women. You dont get a say.
Its shite, i know.
DD was introduced to my exdh's ow the first time he had her over night. I wasnt even aware that he was seeing anyone.... then of course it all unravelled and i found out he had been cheating on me ( again)

I understnad the rage and frustration, jack all you can do about it, other than supporting your DC in their feelings, not showing emotion about it and letting them feel their way through it, knowing you are there for them.

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 19:30:51

Watch - yeah I know, I did consider she was using it as a get out but she does seem genuinely frustrated. And as I said I know you can't line them up, but you've just got to be realistic - She's just started doing OD, she's just started back at work after Maternity, it's just after Christmas and so there have been lots of dos and stuff.

Lining them up in advance is unrealistic, but making sure you don't start dating when you've pulled in all your favours already just means it's less likely to fail.

Not more likely to succeed, you'll still meet dicks and waste your time, but reducing the chance of something possibly good actually working, that's the issue here.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 19:37:17

Thing is, i dont supose she expected to have a good date... and wasnt it a last min thing anyway?

Its how life is sometimes, busy. I dont expect many women sit down with a plan to start dating, look at what they can have in terms of sitters, sigh, and then give up when they realise they have not much help... and vow to be single, buy more cats and shares in ann summers....
i expect most people sign up on a whim, deciding to give it a go, what the heck... and get chatting, decide to meet ( or not) and just go from there...

her situation is as is. If you cant work around it, then maybe its best to leave it for someone who can, because, its not going to change, is it.

Like me with the pirate, the week before i dumped him, i was going to dump him for lack of time. i want to date someone i can see more than once every three weeks. He couldnt offer that, and so, as much as we had in common, he wasnt for me.

its as simple as that.

nomore it is absolutely correct that you get no official say in what your ex does with the DC when they are not with you, but I totally understand your concerns as it seems to be all about him and not the DC. It is for his and OW benefit to play happy families somehow and if he were thinking about the DC he would not be doing it now when they already have so much change. I also think 3 months is too soon generally, but depends of course on the situation/set up. This kind of thing should be discussed with the other parent, not always going to happen sadly.

Ike why is someone pestering you to get tickets sorted? You know the answer to any of that, suggest he does it.

FlorentinePogen Sun 13-Jan-13 19:49:20

Ike - Enjoy the film, make sure TR buys you a fancy ice cream as compensation for being irritating.

Sod the ice cream shock - make sure it's a knickerbocker glory complete with choccy sauce, raspberry sauce, chopped nuts and a maraschino cherry or two.

You could maybe even go at it in a 'Coke on the Cock' stylee.............or not.


smoothieooo Sun 13-Jan-13 19:51:41

Hello all

Just popped by to say date last night was ok-ish. Trendy bar in Shoreditch, nervous guy (older then I'm used to) but very nice and seemingly genuine. No spark though (even after 3 glasses of wine I couldn't imagine wanting to kiss him) but he's keen on date 2.

There are other options though, such as the message I just received via Match:
hi my name is you looking for someone lick me ok,...x

I'll file him with the guy earlier who described himself as inteligent

<sigh> My son gave me a lipstick earlier which he'd found in his dad's car and asked if it were mine. Errr no. And STBEx is still denying that he's seeing anyone. Twatbandit.

Ike if you follow FPs stylee make sure you have sherbet sprinkles on top

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 19:56:02

watch - all true, maybe she was just dipping her toe and didn't realise how amazing I'd be smile

But as I know this forum is read by lots of people who may be thinking about dating but are nervous, I just thought I'd put it out there - while decent men are perfectly understanding about childcare, especially if they have DC of their own, it's like anything else - it takes effort and commitment if it's going to have any chance of success - and even then it may not work. It's like starting a new job at the same time, or moving house at the same time as having a baby or starting a job. It's a drain on time, money, energy, attention, and if possible just try and do it when you can focus on it if you don't want it all going wrong.

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 19:57:22

smoothie I like 'twatbandit'.. Can I use it in the future? I'm sure I'm going to be asked to teach young Hungarians to swear in English

FlorentinePogen Sun 13-Jan-13 19:59:33

maybe she was just dipping her toe and didn't realise how amazing I'd be

Bant, Faint heart never won fair lady. wink

OhWesternWind Sun 13-Jan-13 20:03:33

But Bant, why can't you use babysitters too? Would give a lot more opportunities to meet up ...

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 20:04:04

bant, pah. I can start a new job, and date, and move house and etc, etc....

I always think, if i want to see someone, there are ways i can. If im not fussed, ill put things in the way.

I think its unfair to say to women ' unless you are committed to dating, dont even start' which is sort of what you are saying. Mostly its women who have the children for most of the time, who are stuck with lack of childcare and obviously put the child first. To sort of suggest they should stay single, because they dont have enough evening time to date people is a little on the harsh side i think.

there is day time coffee dates, surely the child goes to nursery, if its a toddler, so, 2.5 hours to meet there. Or lunch, maybe a friend could have the child for an afternoon or a few hours. You have to get creative with your time and think of a date as something other than just an evening activity involving a meal and/ or drinks.

FlorentinePogen Sun 13-Jan-13 20:04:39

I'm going to be asked to teach young Hungarians to swear in English

In that case may I suggest you arm yourself with a copy of 'Trainspotting' ? No-one can swear quite like us Scots - pure vowels and dipthongs and rolling 'r's'.....whae's like us ? smile

smoothieooo Sun 13-Jan-13 20:04:45

Please be my guest Bant

I left my DC (14 and 12) alone for 3 hours from 6pm yesterday for the first time ever so I could go on my date, along with strict instructions on how to cook dinner and it was a great success. I'm going to save a bleedin' fortune on babysitters! Although thinking about it, I spent £30 on an xBox game to keep them occupied in my absence. So that's bollocks.

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 20:05:01

Smoothie what a catch! an inteligent man, lets hope he's bright enough to find the missing letter! I like 'twatbandit' too and I know just the man to use it on wink, he's a STBXH too, funny that!

scoobydooagain Sun 13-Jan-13 20:07:19

well it is over - he loves me but is not in love with me, however I am gorgeous, funny, lovely and one of the kindest people he has ever met!! Yes, that's why he doesn't want to go out with me.
It was the mention of a holiday that made him think about the future - not one that had me in unfortunately.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 13-Jan-13 20:09:01

Bant I'm probably guilty of what you're talking about - but it's very hard. I have no family or friends who can babysit. It's tricky to use babysitters as my son's autistic (plus the cost would rule using them out too often). So apart from the one day/night a week when my son's dad has him, I can't go out. And I can't see this situation changing for some time.

I totally understand how frustrating it is for you, but I also think it's unfair that because I have no childcare and a son who's autistic, I shouldn't be allowed to date.

Fwiw, I'm trying very hard to find enough time to spend with Mr C, and it IS hard, I won't deny that. But I think with a bit of give and take on both sides, it can work.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 20:10:30

bant - western has a point. If you refuse to use babysitters, why should the woman have to?

Essentially you are saying if someone cant see you when you are free, then she shouldnt say she wants to date confused

smoothie, fab!!! thats all rather excellent.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 20:15:59

libby, bless you. I think its the same for lots of us. And it is wholly unfair to say unless we have lots of free time, we shouldnt even think about dating.

especially if all the babysitting burden is placed on one party, because the other party doesnt want to use them in their time confused

Its give and take, and compromise all the way. dating with children is more difficult for all involved, both sides need to be flexiable. Not just the woman.

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 20:16:25

Flo, the Scots are my absolute favourite swearers, I have a Scottish boss, really quite senior, she once answered the phone as she walked through the department -very reasonable, very professional,
'Yes, I can see that's very difficult'
'Aha, yes'
'I'll look into that for you'
'Yes, yes, I know'
'I'll make sure we get back to you'
She put the phone down, then goes
' Oh FUCK OFFFFFFFFF' with such venom, it still makes me laugh even now.

I can say 'dick head' in Arabic. <proud face>

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 20:19:35

Snail - I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed to date at all - I'm just saying that it's going to reduce the chance of success. As far as my situation goes, luckily (so far) there hasn't been a time when I couldn't make it to a date because of my DC - but then I only have them half the time, most mums are more than that of course.

And it was a rant - I apologised for ranting, I was just frustrated that I can't seem to get to date 2 with someone who's lovely because she can't get childcare as she's used it all up. Sorry everyone. I've driven hours for dates, I've stayed over in hotels for the chance of a coffee with someone, and I can't get the second date with someone I really like because she's not free for weeks.

And if she was free on the nights I had my DC, I'd rearrange or sort something out, as I do have favours owed and babysitters I know. It's just a confluence of circumstances I guess.

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 20:21:33

Scooby bless you! it's always shitty to hear what a great person you are as part of an "it's over" conversation - as you say, yes, that's why you don't want to go out with me. Even more of a shock when you think things have been going well. I guess none of us can ever really know what goes on in someone elses head. Look after yourself Sweetie

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 20:22:58

and Libby - again, I'm not meaning to get at anyone - as I said in my first post I know it's difficult - for you more than many people. And I think for the girl I'm seeing it's also starting the new job and it being just after christmas when all favours have been called in.

My point wasn't that you shouldn't date unless you had lots of time free - it was that what time you'd normally have free should be potentially free, you shouldn't have called in all your favours and babysitters already - and then start dating.

Nomorepain Sun 13-Jan-13 20:23:21

There is a bit more to it than just introducing the ow but can't really put it on here but it is bad. Really bad. Makes me questions his responsibility towards the kids big time! But I know he can introduce them but just not just yet. It is a bad week for them with me going back to work and after hom not seeing them for quite a while.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 20:26:05

ah, so you were directing your frustration at ALL women.
i see.

Look, you like her, shes not free, its not sometihng she can change. You have two choices, wait, and stop getting fucked off. or leave it.
Its not going to change between dates 2 and 3, or even 3 and 4.
it is what it is
What you have to decide, is if its right for you.

We have all met people who we have liked, who, for some reason, it wasnt the right time for. We have all driven/ travelled further than we wanted too for dates, and sure as hell we have probably spent more money than we should ( reminded of date that cost me in the region of £400)

its the nature of internet dating.
Its not just as simple as meeting someone with a spark, and it having to be mutual, its also about cirumstances matching up... or at least being able to find something that works.

Scooby that is crap, huge hugs to you x

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 20:28:16

Scooby that sucks, so sorry. I've heard that one before in the past and it's infuriatingly crap!

Sorry Bant me dear you don't have a leg to stand on with that one. it won't be long til she has parents around and more favours to call in, plus there's potentially the lunchtime type date option.

scoobydooagain Sun 13-Jan-13 20:29:30

Thanks Lulu he has just e-mailed to say he is depressed (I had mentioned that to him) and he thinks he is headed for a breakdown !! Part of me just wants to hug him and part of me rather more harshly thinks "Thank God I'm out" -abusive exH had a mountain of mental health issues , which I tried to help him with for years resulting in huge problems for me and my Ds

MsArsebiscuit Sun 13-Jan-13 20:29:30

Scooby, sorry that's happened, I know how crappy it feels, especially when everything seems to have been going so well, you never quite know what's going on in someone else's head.

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 20:35:24

not all women, just those who are considering starting dating. Like I said, it's the same as starting a new job at the same time as moving house - if there is something you can do to make it less likely to fail, like making sure you haven't used up all your babysitting-circle credits, or whatever, then do it. It's not a gripe against all women, or all mothers. It was a general piece of advice from my point of view on a forum read by lots of mothers who are considering dating.

And I'm not sure what I'm going to do. She is nice, and I'll maybe just hold off on dating other people as I've got stuff going on too and I'd rather see if she's free in a couple of weeks. But a couple of months ago I would have been out of there. There are so many ways, doing OD, that you just cross someone off your list - too short. Small hands ( smile ) Too sporty/not sporty enough.

Not being available for two or three weeks is just one of those reasons, and it's one that people do have some control over. That was my point.

And thing is, as far as the girl I was talking about - it would change between dates 3 and 4, if we got that far. She's just used up all her baby sitting favours over christmas and then started dating. So we won't get to dates 3 and 4 a month down the line when she has babysitting available again, because I'm not willing to wait 3 weeks for date 2 as she's not free. It's not about general availability of babysitting, it's about being less available than is usual.

Scooby sorry, but he should have thought about keeping your friendship before he got involved. Very selfish of him to try and have standby for tea and sympathy when he feels like it. You know there is nothing you can do so do nothing, which includes not even replying <gavel>

nomorepain thank you for your kind words and sorry about what you are currently facing. As you know, my husband left me for a woman he'd been seeing behind my back for 2 years. He left 3 months ago and is now renting a flat with OW and has introduced her to my 3.5yr old and 9month old DD's. So I know how hard it is to think of them all playing happy families. PM me if you ever need to rant.
So, who wants a laugh?! I was messaged through Lovestruck about 1pm today by a chap asking if he could take me for a drink. I looked at his profile and he is just not someone I could see myself being interested in, so I didn't reply. Just now, 7 hours later, I get another message:

Hi again

I think you should reconsider you rejection. Why? Erm, well I'm not a bad looking boy (if you squint) and quite popular amongst eligible Asian women. I'm also quite a gentleman, I'll open doors and stuff... and I'm intelligent but not in the patronising overbearing way that you get with most guys who live on Clapham and Shoreditch.

So how about a reconsideration... and I'll take you for cocktails somewhere in Mayfair?

A x

FlorentinePogen Sun 13-Jan-13 20:38:15

^ah, so you were directing your frustration at ALL women.
i see.^

Deja vu, methinks.

This will be interesting. confused

ffs I do wish sometimes my dyslexic brain had an autocorrect.

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 20:39:49

Maybe it is a "meant to be" situation Scooby, I don't mean that flippantly, only that if you have had to deal with something similar in the past which created problems for you, then maybe you will look back and think it was a lucky escape ...... In my opinion, dealing with a loved one with depression is a difficult road to go down and your own needs can often end up getting sacrificed in your efforts to support them.

Dolly A for arse? grin

Juliette possibly, or A for Absolutely delusional grin

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 20:55:02

bant, sorry, i dont get it at all.

its just life, as lubey says, at another point, she might have called in all her favours, or her child is ill, or babysitter ill.

Its just one of those things that comes with dating women with children.

You said that nice men will be considerate and understanding, but then say you would have been out of there a short while ago because shes not free enough???

If you dont like the restrictions that come with dating women with children, then thats fine, and you are allowed to say that. But i do think its unfair to tell women to make sure they are free, when you, yourself, say you dont want to use babysitters.

also, it might be worth thinking that, her intentions might not have been for serious dating, she might be happy with seeing somone once a month. some people are, and thats ok too. dating means different things, to some it means looking for a relationship, to some it means just getting out of the house and having some company.

Snapespeare Sun 13-Jan-13 20:57:13

People dating people with children have a whole difficult, awkward set of circumstances to contend with. Dating will always come second to the kids, dates will be cancelled due to sick children, or a break-down in's just what happens. <shrugs> it's always good to meet new people, so people go on dates, with a glimmer of hope, but as you get more world-worn, with the expectation that it will go nowhere anyway.

I bet the absolutely perfect woman for bant also has 50/50 care for her kids.... Just the days/weeks that bant doesn't.... wink

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 20:59:19

Dolly the reference to himself as a "boy" would be enough for me. Why do grown men do that? I met one bloke on Match who referrred to himself in the third person as a boy. He would say things like "this boy is off to bed" and "this boy has had a busy day". I struggled to keep a straight face, it was a right turn-off!

Totally Lula, perhaps I should reply 'Ah ok, but I'm looking for a man...'

Lulu, sorry

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 21:04:22

Snape - yes. Aren't we all allowed ideals?

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 21:07:54

course we are.
But dont go off on a rant telling women they cant do anything that doesnt measure up to YOUR ideal.

there will be plenty of people who dont hold the same ideal as you.

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 21:08:22

Dolly I can only imagine the reply you would get back grin oh, but of course he isn't patronising or overbearing! so that'll be okay then!

lulubellaboozle Sun 13-Jan-13 21:13:48

on a lighter and dating unrelated note, I should put my reading glasses on, just read the box entitled Mumsnet Talk at the side of the screen as

Pregnancy nipples - what irks you most? on second glance, it actually read

Pregnancy niggles - what irks you most? grin

as you were ...

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 21:16:57

watch - I'm not telling women they can't do anything that measure up to my ideal. I've said before things like 'use a profile photo as it's better to have one than not' - 'don't mention your DC in your very first sentence of your profile', 'don't say 'lonely and brokenhearted' in your profile.' This is just one of those things.

Don't start online dating when you know you're not going to have free time for the foreseeable future.

I don't see why you're taking that as a rant against women in general, I think it's perfectly reasonable advice.

If I have a choice of someone who's perfect for me, who I have to wait for three weeks for a second date, or someone who's okay but I get to see twice in the first fortnight, I'm probably going to see the second one. That's just being realistic. I'm not having a go at anyone.

If you're going into hospital for surgery and are going to be housebound for weeks, why start dating then? If you're going to be on a work-related training course and unavailable for weeks, why start dating just before it? If you don't have any free time because you've used up all your usual babysitting circle recently, then don't start dating then. There's just not much point if you want a second or third date. People don't generally wait a month for it.

MirandaWest Sun 13-Jan-13 21:17:09

I wasn't sure how much time I would have for dating when I started dating. Am lucky(?) that XH has the DC regularly but there are times of year when I am away with work and work more or less and when I dipped my toe into the dating world it was about to be one of those times. I knew I wouldn't be available a lot of the time but wasn't about to organise anything especially for an attempt at dating.

MirandaWest Sun 13-Jan-13 21:20:11

Turned out I found there was slightly more time available than I thought - and finding someone Nice in my first attempt did help.

The reason I started it when I did was because I was ill over Easter and decided while XH had the DC to spend a day in bed and messaged all the men I could find grin. And decided if nothing came of it that I would give it a rest for a while.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 21:33:24

Bant sorry I still don't agree in the slightest.

No one knows whats going to happen for sure, if we all waited til everything was perfect and tons of sitters were lined up we'd all be single forever. That way madness lies.

I think maybe watch has taken it as a rant against women in general as any woman with children on a dating site is obviously single and likely to be the main carer or very close to it, so your rant applies very widely.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 21:39:07

Miranda, i think thats usual smile

bant, again, i think its just one of those things. People dont always know if they are going to have lots of free time either, or that they are going to meet someone they are going to want a second date with. Its silly to suggest they shouldnt have a first date, if they dont have time for a second within a 2 week time frame, especially when you consider most first dates dont go anywhere.

You dont even know when you sign up to a site, if you are going to meet someone you will want a date with, its all a shot in the dark.

Its literally one of those things that comes with dating women with children. If thats not for you, thats ok. But it will be ok for someone else.

And again, like miranda says, typically, if you really want to see somone, then you do make time for them, you move heaven and earth, call in every favour and sort it out or find a work around, as lots of us who have had relationships from online dating, have and do do.

Yeah Bant your rant was a bit out of order. Sometimes people's lives are a little more complicated than 'lining up sitters' just in case you click with someone. If she's as great as you say she is, wait for her. You're not doing yourself any favours by choosing to date someone less compatible just because they're more available. That's bonkers.

scoobydooagain Sun 13-Jan-13 21:41:38

My God, just put a photo on POF, never used it before, barely put anything in profile and its like flies round shit, cheering me up a bit though.

Good for you Scooby!! Good luck!

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 21:49:56

scooby if it's anything like my PoF smash and grab it will be mad! I never had so many messages I'm sure. Crazy stuff.

48howdidthathappen Sun 13-Jan-13 21:53:24

Scooby Looks like you have had a lucky escape. Twatbandit. I like it too smile

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 21:54:01

lubey - yep. pretty much 100% of women, with children, on dating sites, will be the primary carer. With most likey more than 50/50 care ( as that tends to be less likely. i would find stats but im tired and cant be arsed, but its high)

Saying they shouldnt date unless they have the time that suits YOU, that fits in around YOUR plans and YOUR children... and they should have to have babysitters, else you will go off and date someone you like less????!!!


But, like you said in your first post ' any decent man will be considerate and understanding of the situation'

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 21:58:16

AND bant, what with your moving abroad, you arent really in a postion to lecture people about being avaliable for dating, when you arent even going to be in the same country!!!!!!!

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 22:30:14

watch - it's not about me. It's about dating in general. If anyone expects to have a second or third date, they've got to try and make sure they're going to be in a position to be available.

For christs sake stop taking everything personally.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 22:38:25

Im not. not at all. I just dont agree with what you have said.

If anyone was lurking and thinking about dating, they might be so put off by your comments, that they might not try it, for fear of getting it all wrong.

Its not fair and yours isnt a widely held opion, so, i think its fair to say so.

But again, you arent going to be avalaible for a second of third date if you are in hungery, so, i dont really see how come its one rule for you and one for any woman that wants to date?

In other news, i am free this weekend, and although im not then free for another 2 weekends after that, unless the poor chaps can bring themselves to do lunch or soemthing, i have TWO dates this coming weekend. TWO, and a night out with friends. Fuck yes smile

Bant Sun 13-Jan-13 22:59:17

thats the point watch - I'm trying to give good advice to people, part of which is - if you start dating and have a first date, most men won't wait around a month for a second date, no matter how nice you are.

As to my Hungary situation, I've told everyone I've dated so far for the last month, some have been okay with it, most not. And I'm not dating anyone new because of it. ShoeGirl was meant to be my last first date, and that didn't work for it's own reasons..

Bant then most men must be wallys. I don't understand why you would give up the chance of a good thing for the sake of a few dateless weeks.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 23:14:40

Bant, well maybe the issue is that she is not that fussed to push for favours when she knows its not going to go anywhere due to your move?
You dont know what shes thinking.

Ive had men wait to meet me..... ive also had strings ive pulled because i really want to meet someone.

I would say if you dont want to wait 2 weeks for someone you say is perfect butwould rather go for not as compatiable but more avaliable, that maybe you arent looking for a serious relationship and are viewing dating as a hobby/ thing to fill your time/ chance of getting laid....

Which again is your perogative, but not everyone views dating in the same way, and you need to respect that.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 23:15:15

I disagree bant I think most would actually. Certainly been my experience years back when I had a very dodgy sitter situation

SkaffenAmtiskaw Sun 13-Jan-13 23:16:47

oh dear I can't believe you've posted so much already! you lot are too chatty...

I had my third meeting/first proper date with Mr HotYoga last night, we went for dinner then to a comedy club. I enjoyed it and the conversation was good but... still not sign of more. Kisses on cheek for hellos and goodbyes but that's it. Mind you it's difficult to do the holding hands/arms around waist while walking kind of thing as I am on crutches at the moment which cramps my style ever so slightly grin

I really like him though, but not sure what to make of it. Help!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 13-Jan-13 23:20:56

Also, you said she said on the date a second date would be hard to arrange... so, like your hungery thing, you knew the score in advance. If your not ok with that, and she was honest, then its your issue im afraid.

I think you are still pissed off re shoegirl standing you up. Upset re the divorce paperwork and feeling unsettled. Wantingto take your mind off it with a nice date/ ego stroke/ affection.but frustrated because the person who could do this for you isnt free. So you have gone off on a rant that isnt really founded.

But thats just my opion.

lubeybooby Sun 13-Jan-13 23:23:31

Skaffen I reckon it sounds good - slow burner... my mate who ended up marrying hers didn't even get a kiss til about the 6th date... he was shy and she was doubting herself! haha they got there in the end.

ike1 Sun 13-Jan-13 23:30:15

Back from seeing the film with TR...Silver Lining Playbook really good.. whole heartedly advise watching. I like TR's company...same things irritated me as when we were seeing each other...awfully macho... but we can chat and laugh easily and we are comfy in each others company and I still find him attractive. I dunno it just doesnt work as a relationship....both firey characters.

I managed to offed MrN yet again ....another macho guy I think he reckoned that he found my relentless 'wit' 'exhausting'....well I can see that may be the case if you take yourself very seriously which alot of blokes seem to do.

I will duck out of the childminding discussion cos it seems to have run its course...

ike1 Sun 13-Jan-13 23:32:02


ike1 Sun 13-Jan-13 23:42:55

....but in fairness he is the 3rd bloke now who seems to have got in a huff with me about it before meeting...maybe it isnt translating well. I dont stop myself because I enjoy quick fire banter and I think that some guys see it as me trying to be intelectually superior in some way...really I am just trying to get a bit of playful fun out of it and am happy to get the banter back...

TR got that about me and the majority of the time found my deadpan humour funny ....but then that was mostly in real life so he could see my facial expressions and was used to my ways....

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 07:49:16

text sometimes doesnt come across as you indend it to. we see it on here all the time.

Ive been accused of things that are so far flung from what i was actually saying, and sometimes peoples posts that are meant to be funny, because there is no body language, nor nuance of voice, its just lost and comes across as mean.

Maybe thats the case, especially if your humour is deadpan?

I would say if 3 men have said it to you, maybe it is something you could think about tempering a little? at least till you are face to face and they know you better?

Im very excited about my two dates, looking forward to meeting them both.
One, can only be called bear, after bear grylis. Hes a chainsaw weilding, shooting, manly man of a man. I like that, its, well, manly smile We have lots in common on paper, im not expecting a spark, but the manly ness thing is the reason im going, and i wonder if hes just a bit flat/ deap pan in text.

The other one, i shall call chilli boy. I am VERY excited about meeting him. Tons in common, very good looking. I predict massive spark on my side, non on his... isnt that always the way ;)

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 07:49:38

Ike I know what you mean. In an OD/text conversation I am a one liner type, I enjoy the humour. Some see that as uninterested, a few get it.

Mr R&R and Mr OZ got it, might help that I met both in RL.
Mr R&R says I write the title, he writes the book smile

Skaffen You continue to date on crutches. I like your style.

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 08:01:28

Snail You also have a new group of 'going out' friends. Worth their weight in gold smile

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 08:04:00

Watch they sound good!

ike I agree if three blokes have said it now, and you know and we know it's definitely unfair and you've been taken wrongly... maybe you need to make the humour a bit more obvious or temper it a bit, as watch said just til they know you. I would never want anyone to change themselves but if you are coming across unfairly then that's frustrating.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 08:08:46

oh, i know smile
Im both flattered and pleased that so many people want to hang out with me. its nice smile

Ike, just thinking, they also say humour is used a a defense mechanism. I know ive certainly done so myself. But it is tiring to some people, doesnt make you seem all that open, or have any dept if you are cracking one liners all the time. Especially if its banter and is more personal.

I used to do it, it was a way of deflecting from anything else, staying in control and presenting a certain image. This wasnt my thought process behind it, but what ive realised afterwards....

not saying you do the same at all, but maybe people percieve it as such? or as being too difficult to get past all the ' humour'

OK, I'm going out on a limb here and wearing my best flame retardant clothes, but I do semi-understand where Bant is coming from.

I have a close female friend who has been doing OD for ages and cannot understand her lack of success. She gets initial dates and sometimes second dates but rarely beyond that. She is attractive, intelligent, funny and interesting. She doesn't have children. But she has an incredibly busy social life. It's a Catch-22 scenario because she doesn't want to be sat at home doing nothing so fills her diary. But this then means she generally finds it hard to find time to meet up with someone. There was a guy she really liked, got to third date and he really liked her too but it was 3 weeks between dates and going to be another 3 weeks before a potential date 4. She won't ever rearrange anything she's committed to (some of which is tricky as she plays i a competitive tennis league). I know he backed away because of it.

The second of my last 2 dates with OD was not dissimilar. In her case, neither of us had kids, but she worked in the police and had an awkward shift pattern. It took 5 weeks to meet up the first time (after emails, texts and phone calls) and it was a really good first date. It took 4 weeks to arrange a second date because of her shift pattern and commitments. She would have liked a third date but it was going to be almost 4 weeks again so I declined. It was like having a long distance relationship with someone who lived literally 3 miles away.

I think it's hard to develop anything if you aren't able to spend time with someone a bit more frequently than that. Maybe it's a man thing?

But I agree, it's not the same for everyone and I do think if you aren't in a position to be able to invest a certain amount of time into OD it's something you should be upfront with as soon as possible.

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 09:11:46

Voice, it's something Bant's date was upfront about though.

Whether he's been upfront or not about leaving the country though I've no idea...

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 09:12:25

It's all a bit silly really.

Lubey - ah, I am not specifically saying I agree with Bant on his own specific situation, more that I can understand where he is coming from on a general level.

I have another friend who works away most of the week and is therefore only able to date at weekends. She states this in her profile and for this reason a long distance thing works very well for her with a guy who similarly works away a lot in the week. But she put this on her profile right from the word go.

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 09:23:14

Haha, Bant's thing applies with your general opinion though too as she was indeed upfront. On the date admittedly and not the profile, but still.

It also seems like a temporary situation while she awaits roaming parents and stuff.

I do agree though that if you absolutely have too busy a life, or too awkward shift patterns etc then it's better to be upfront. Very similar to what i recently did with the PoF smash and grab profile. I know I'm too busy to give enough to sustain a proper relationship therefore I don't want anyone to expect that to happen. So it got put into the profile.

But babysitters or lack thereof is a situation that for me was impossible to predict apart from when DD would stay with her dad, which seeing as he lives miles away would only be during school hols. I dated plenty who were very patient with both this and me being at the mercy of exMIL for babysitting, where she would announce with about half an hours notice that she was having DD overnight.

Lubey - we "generally" pretty much agree then! grin

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 09:33:56


48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 10:11:36

It is tough finding a balance that suits both people. Hence why I ended it with MR R&R when the situation with my mum arose. I didn't want to feel bad about not having the time for him. Luckily for me he completely understood and is very supportive.

As a general rule, 3 weeks would be too long for me blush

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 10:21:16

3 weeks would be too long for me too, and i dumped someone for this reason.

But thats his choice if he is busy, and really, who am i to say he has to state up front what time he has etc... I met him, we had a few dates, he wasnt all that free and it was one of the deciding factors to end it.

I certainly wouldnt suggest that all men on dating sites needed to make sure they had lots of free time before they even thought of dating.

Bant met someone he liked, shes not free, end of. Its just one of those things. He can either wait or not, thats his choice, but she shouldnt get chastised for her situation or told she ( or indeed , any other dating woman) is wrong.

People date for all kinds of reasons, to some, one date a month, a chance to go out, hopefully have fun and a nice evening, and thats it, thats all they want from it. Some want something to lead to more dates,and some are looking for something long term. Its all fine and its all allowed.

I only have every other weekend free. That said, if i REALLY want to, i can get babysitters. There are ways round things if you want there to be, and if you dont, then its a handy excuse smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 10:25:57

on a different note, both my dates have the same name. Which also happens to be the name of my ex husband.

Reminds me of when i had a period of dating ' james's' . i dated 7!! in a row. madness smile

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 10:28:31

Watch grin I am plagued, or used to be, by Ians and Martins.

Thankfully TT has a different name.. at last!

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 10:30:41

I agree what is good for Girl X is really up to her.

No embarrassing mishaps over names though grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 10:37:11

how funny lubey smile

48- yep. she might not care, and be happy with her set up. who are any of us to judge. If bant doesnt like it, or if any of us didnt should be find ourself in the same situation, then you deal with it as you want to. Thats what dating is, meeting people, seeing if you want to see them again and if you are compatiable. If you arent, and this includes free time, then you just arent its not her fault.

MasamiAomame Mon 14-Jan-13 11:08:59

Happy New Year everyone and good luck to anyone dating this week! I posted a few times before Christmas about my foray into online dating (signed up early December 'just to look', got a message from a guy who sounded great, went out for drinks three times before Christmas). He was very busy pre-Xmas and I was on holiday abroad for a fortnight over New Year so I've not seen him in ages. Last time I saw him he invited me round to his the first weekend we were both free this year (no firm plans were made) but then mentioned last week in passing via text message that he would be away that weekend. I suggested drinks this week which he agreed to (I was expecting either a 'thanks but no thanks' or a reissue of the invite to his) but he has been texting me less and mentioned, apropos of nothing, that he's 'tired' and 'over-committed'. I'm seeing him on Wednesday as I've got nothing to lose and he did seem lovely but I think he's maybe just not that in to me. sad

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 11:11:13

Masami, well, give Wednesday a go and see if things maybe pick up a bit after then? Bit difficult to tell really when life has been getting in the way for both of you. Good luck grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 11:16:30

well, really, neither of you should be dating if you dont have the time nor havent mentioned your specifics up front.


I am joking of course smile

Give wed ago, see what happens, its hard when its been a little while in between dates, as lubey says. Good luck too.

MasamiAomame Mon 14-Jan-13 11:19:55

Thank you Lubey I was thinking I would need to have a chat with him really. I don't want to do it via text message as I find it's easy to misinterpret stuff without tone of voice, facial expression etc. and we've never spoken on the 'phone before so I will wait 'til Wednesday and steel myself to not wimp out as I hate talking about anything remotely emotional!

MasamiAomame Mon 14-Jan-13 11:22:07

Thank you too watchoutforthatsnail!

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 11:24:25

Good luck for Wednesday Masami You may get the spark back. Just go with the flow smile

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 11:29:03

To be fair I think you are all absolutely correct about the humour thing. Its hard though cos I really enjoy that playful element and when you dont lnow a person well it canb difficult to know what to talk about for thought indeed!

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 11:31:56

.....oh and bloody Pauls for me ...thet's the suburban 70s for ya!

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 11:32:49

Spelling is shit cos I am not wearing me contacts...soz

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 11:37:48

I do too ike, i love a bit of banter, it works well face to face, if the other person is the same way. If not, people can find it off putting or even agressive. because they dont get it.

They are less likely to get it in a text or written form.

Also, like i said, i tended to use humour to defuse or deflect from a situation that i wasnt comftable with, or to remain in control of it as it were. I used it to keep it at my comfort level. The dreaded you know who helped me realise this, by telling me very bluntly, and helping me deal with it. It was true, he was right. i dont do it so much now. It was sort of my defence, but ive realised i can let my guard down.

Again, not saying its the same for you at all, just putting it out there.

To get to know someone properly, you do tend to have you let your guard down, and find stuff to talk about... and be open to that. Banter is easier, its shallow communication, but then it kind of stops things deepening really ( unless its accompanied by all that other stuff too)

No judgement at all, in case you think there is. I did and sometimes still do the same. Its my defense.

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 11:38:21

I don't think I have had any men with the same name. Tis fun going through the alphabet. A few letters are hard to find grin

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 11:44:05

No absoutely Watch actually I think you may be very close to the truth mainly cos with OD you do have a higher defense mechanism and yes I think it does provoke some blokes to be aggressive. In reality I am not so much like that because convo tends to flow freely and therefore unless a situation warrants it I dont use the old witty stick.

Most of my mates genuinely love it ....but I know a few found me quite terrifying on first contact. They soon learned that I am more of a clown than anything else.

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 11:46:15

My first few boyfriends/encounters went exactly alphabetically... Andrew, Ben, Craig, Dave... It's the only reason I remember their names now wink

48 have you managed a Xavier yet?

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 11:49:55

Trying to think lubey QXYZ no one. Some letters though have more than one differently named owners grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 11:57:28

ike - takes one to know one smile

Only saying it because i was the same. firstly to keep hidden the dv in my marriage, then to hide my feelings and show i was in control following me leaving him. Then, when od, to keep me in control, and them at arms lenght.

It works as well smile which is the fucker with it, because then you can convientally blame shit men and stay safe in your comfort zone smile

Its taken me 3 years to get where i am with it now. and that long to realise that i did do it, and why i was. Otherwise i would probably totally disagreed. lol

But yeah, there it is.

Essentially, they are interested in you, not a comedian. So, be you.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 12:00:36

i ahve an xaviar on my fb page!!!! hes very good looking too.

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 12:02:52

Horses for courses I suppose. Its how I am in RL. But then I am not looking for anything serious. That is obvious from my profile. Must get round to deleting.

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 12:05:17

How old? Watch grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 12:16:51

tiny bit older than me.
lives in america.
probably not free often enough for dating.

( sorry, cant help myself)

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 12:19:30

Oh shame he would break my 3 week rule grin

Sorry blush

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 12:20:27

Thing is that is me too tho Watch...cant help but see the bathos and ridiculousness in most things....its just that if some peeps just are not on the same page with that then it doesnt I need to be sensitive to that.

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 12:27:49

watch and 48 grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 12:30:44

i think thats it ike.

I usually do to, but, in text you dont have the rest to go on, so people dont know how to take it. OR, if they dont know you well enough to know you are joking, they dont know. OR they just dont have the same sense of humour, and find it mean/ rude/ whatever.

Its not about changing who you are, i wouldnt advocate that at all, its just maybe turning it down a knotch or 5, giving people the chance to see ' you' first.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 12:32:51

lubey - today we are all commedians smile

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 12:37:31

Yeah I reckon you are right...Mountain Man spoiled me for the others ...he loved all that stuff and we could bounce texts off each other...sigh....shame I ran out on him eh???? (lol....argh there I go again!)

SweetSeraphim Mon 14-Jan-13 12:41:50

See, to my mind, all this 'availability for dating' thing is a common thread amongest the menz.

You know why? Because you expect to come first. And you ain't never gonna grin

Sorry about that!

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 12:43:48

lol. its a really hard habit to break.
Honestly, i did it all the time.

I still have to stop myself sometimes. and sometimes i still do it.

its almost like, if i i make it a joke, or make it funny, its less bad, or ive got in there first, or, i dont know. it just detracts from it in some way.

I dont think on its own its a bad thing, just if you do it a lot. which you must do as 3 men have said to you. i had one person say it to me. Everyone else just fell for my banter and noone kind of saw why i was doing it. You know who did.

So, maybe if you are aware of it, its easier to tone it down a bit when you first meet someone?

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 12:48:31

Mr R&R gets me. I had replied to a couple of his long texts with one word answers.

He then sent a text saying 'I wish you wouldn't write so much in your fucking texts' grin

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 12:52:51

This thread and coffee are going to be the death of my keyboard today if I'm not careful

48 grin

Sweet - I hope you don't expect us to put you first, then grin

On the alphabet front, I used to know a Zelda..... didn't date her though. She was a ginger wink

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 13:02:27

48 - he sounds fab smile

SweetSeraphim Mon 14-Jan-13 13:02:35

I mean that single mums put their children before dating. That's how it is, and how it should be. But I have a sneaking suspicion that 'some' men expect to come first when they're dating.... and because they don't, they don't like it.

I meant to come on here and debate this point with Bant last night - when I was dating as a single mum, babysitting was really rare. But no matter how much I had to arrange things, and call in favours etc, I managed it for people I really liked.

The men I dated were quite respectful of my situation, tbh, but if someone that liked me wasn't prepared to wait a couple of weeks...and would rather date someone else instead, that they weren't even that bothered about? They're not my kind of people. And that would go for the other way around as well.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 13:15:11

agreed sweet smile

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 13:15:29

48 see its that sort of humour that would have me hooked...

Sweet - glad you said 'some', otherwise you might have been accused of a sweeping generalisation! smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 13:22:15

nope, we dont generalise when its our favour ;)

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 13:23:17

That 'some' is so very important. Never ever leave it out, especially when talking on a forum grin

Learnt that lesson back in about 1999 I think after forgetting it once meant a complete flaming.

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 13:34:00

Ike We are both often in tears with laughter. Its brilliant. I like him alot smile

SweetSeraphim Mon 14-Jan-13 13:36:28

Of course I only meant 'some' smile

But those some are there, nonetheless, and Bant's post last night (I know he apologised and said he was just ranting), sort of rankled me a bit, so I had to make my feelings clear!

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 13:42:50

Ahhh 48 it's great when it's like that grin enjoy!

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 13:51:29

I am envious 48! I find mutual humour very sexy. Myself and Torso Rubber shared humour and alot of youthful memories.....we used to hang out in the same clubs when younger...infact I remembered him from those times which is why I did not want to throw away the connection just because we could not sustain an intimate relationship.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 13:59:07

why couldnt you?

sorry, i must have missed that bit?

Chilli boy and i have been doing some texting. I do like him. Hes funny and seems very much like me. Its exciting.

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:05:21

Well TR wanted kids and I dont want any more. He was made unemployed very early in our relationship and I was only 8 months out of the devastation from the end of my 16 year marriage. I guess we were both pretty vulnerable and 'needy' in many ways.

This led to some very 'hot' arguments. Plus his defence mechanism was arrogance which got on my tits. Also both stubborn characters which led me to call off the relationship many times. It was becoming we needed a 'cooling off' period. But I have come to realise that I was 'cutting my nose off' cos I enjoy his company.

We will see if an occasional film buddy thing will work in the long run.

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 14:06:37

Very similar story then Ike smile Big bonus for me is the sex grin If we are both/either of us very tired though we have on the odd occasion waited until morning for a bit of fun shock Happy just having a good snog and laugh. Long may it continue.

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:06:59

Thats great about Chilli boy btw Snail....I also think that it was too early to try to get into a long term situation and now want to 'see what is out there' ....not much so far...

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 14-Jan-13 14:08:25

ah, so sort of right person, wrong time, type thing.
I understand that.

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:08:42

See the other thing with TR is that sex was good but ...ahem ...he was gifted in the 'girthful cock' area which led to some awful, awful cystitis...hence that kind of fell apart too..

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:09:49

Yeah very much 'sort of' actually I need a fairly gentle character as a partner ...but then I might end up dominating him so hard to say really...

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 14:16:38

Oh with you on the girthful cock front thing. I asked Mr R&R the cock size question as soon as I knew I wanted to bed him. He was a little shocked I think, but answered honestly smile

I am a strictly average type grin

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:23:34

Yeah cystitis is the absolute bain of my life and quite frankly one of the reasons why a regular sex life can be quite fraught for me because while I do enjoy it ...the 'pain' is sometime not worth the 'pleasure' iyswim...hence the iron clad knick-knacks (what am I like eh??? lol)

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 14:29:24

I forgot to ask Mr FU. Was very happy to see that 6ft3 with large hands didn't have any bearing on the size of his cock. I did tell him I was relieved when I saw it grin

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:29:58

So just realised, not only do they need to have a compatible sense of humour, they need to not want kids, be available, be kind, wear the right clothes and also have the right cock size.....I am dooooooooomed......

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:31:44

Oh I remember when I first saw TR's appendage he was wearing a bright red Thai made condom that was slightly too small ....I nearly backed out of the door...we still laugh about it now...

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 14:32:59

I am laughing at the image now grin

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:35:06

Oh I know...hahaha

48howdidthathappen Mon 14-Jan-13 14:37:16

Any one got a shoe horn? grin

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 14:39:08

ike that's a shame that keeps happening but I have some advice- I'm about to get awfully personal so I'll PM you grin

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 14-Jan-13 14:42:48

Oh no Ike, I recently got cystitis. I was hoping it was a one-off but from what you're saying it sounds like it could be a regular thing?

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:42:56

Oh ok Lubes

ike1 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:44:19

He is a character that one all right ...bloody hell some of his 'adventures'..well best left until another day... Libby...I dont know if it is just me I have always suffered.