Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant, I am still devastated.

(179 Posts)
DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 04:56:28

I was living in Malaysia, we had gone there for my husbands job ( about 1yr 6 months) I come home to Uk to visit family and friends for 6 weeks as pregnant, fly back to Malaysia to find out he had been shagging some cheap filiphino bar tart for 3 weeks and didn't want to work our relationship out! We had been together 16 years. I was devastated. Can't believe he could actually do this, thought he had some morals. He tells me he hadn't been happy for last year and half ( time in Malaysia - I had struggled to adjust and wasn't happy myself!) he never said anything - always thought it was work stress! Bombshell. Anyway cheap slapper declaring undying love from day one and he fallen for her. She obviously looking to trap an expat husband for money.
Anyway 6 months on he has moved her in, I am back in our home in the Uk with our 3 and a half year old daughter and 1 month old son ( whom he hasn't even met!) He has played with my emotions all throughout the pregnancy - telling me he still loves me and at one point going to dump her and then not going through with it! I feel pathetic but I still love him and am still crying as i cannot believe the man I knew is capable of this kind of behavior. He was a good kind, caring man who would do anything for me. Anyhow he is coming home in 2 weeks time. I have recently told him we cannot be friends and have gone as no contact as possible. I can't believe how badly he has treated me and that he has just dumped his kids. He skypes his daughter twice a week but it's pathetic and she doesnt want to talk to him. I am an emotional mess, surviving on adrenalin. I loved him so much and we spent most of our time together - he was my best friend - how could he do this to us? I am trying to be strong but it's so tough. Help !

tasmaniandevilchaser Fri 11-Jan-13 05:08:20

Hi I don't have any good advice, but just wanted to say someone is listening at this early hour. Much sympathy, sure someone with more helpful words will be along, but for now take care. Focus on you and your children. Congrats on your baby!

saturdaymorningyawn Fri 11-Jan-13 05:19:16

Like Tasmanian I have no experience or advice I can offer but I wanted to extend a great big hug to you. Xxx

Timetoask Fri 11-Jan-13 05:28:24

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot understand how a person can simply abandone thier family like that. Let's hope he wakes up and smells the coffee. It seems like some men lose some brain cells when thier reproductive apparatus is engaged.
Look after yourself and your lovely little children. Try to get all the legal advice you can.

Hyperballad Fri 11-Jan-13 05:34:39

I think he will regret this big time! But by the time he does you will probably be well on the way to being over him.

This is absolutely his loss, he must be living in some fantasy world at the moment, and when reality sets in, I think he will be ashamed and regretful. (he should be)

You sound like your doing really well, and keeping strong is so important for yourself and the children. But don't be afraid to ask for help, all this with a newborn must be so difficult, don't try and do it all on your own, be kind to yourself and lean on family and friends when you need to.

Thinking of you and sending you strong positive energy along with a massive MN hug!

Mimishimi Fri 11-Jan-13 06:08:28

You poor thing. sad There is a bit of that here in Hong Kong. In the majority of cases, within a year of them marrying the new woman the guy finds that she's been siphoning off all his money to her many relatives in the Philippines. Their expectations of extended family support are quite a bit different to ours. I'd say your ex will come out of this worse off but that's his decision. I'd organise for a third party to act as go-between if he wants to catch up with your daughter. Be careful about giving him any information as to which lawyers you have consulted etc, preferably don't give him any info.

izzyizin Fri 11-Jan-13 06:19:42

Here's a giant (((hug))) for you, honey, and many congratulations on the birth of your ds thanks

The adulterer is returning to the UK in 2 weeks' time? That should be sufficient for you to instruct a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law to file a petition to divorce citing his adultery and/or unreasonable behaviour and, hopefully, he'll be around to acknowledge receipt and sign it.

How long will he be staying in the UK? Have you planned for him to be introduced to his son while you are elsewhere?

I suspect that, having seen his newborn son, he will make further extravagant promises which he will have every intention of keeping ... until he sees Miss £ signs for eyes Philippines again - and you deserve a lot more than another ride on that particular roller coaster.

As to how he - and so many other lying lowdown twunts - could do this, it usually comes down to an ego that is intrinsically self-entitled coupled with an inherent lack of moral scruple and ditto personal integrity.

There's also the small matter of his dick him perceiving flattery as being sincerity when in the company of a conniving female.

All in all you're well shot of him and, although it may not seem probable at the moment, in time I feel sure you will incline to this view.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 09:22:23

No contact has been a good idea, he may have chucked away 16 years' of marriage but you are hurting and are bringing up his children. On top of all the upset and anger, you are probably still a mass of post natal hormones. As much as he has betrayed you there will still be a small voice in your head that says, But it's him, who I loved and trusted, my children's father.

He will seek to justify and minimise, re-writing your hstory together. Do get legal advice and forget the 'good' kind man' you married, safeguard your and your children's interests.

SirSugar Fri 11-Jan-13 09:30:35

If you should under any circumstances find yourself in the sack with him again make sure he has a full STI test first, then insist on condoms.

Just incase, not suggesting you will

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 09:40:53

This is known as 'lust-crazed dementia' and you are looking at chemically driven infatuation otherwise known as addiction.

There is absolutely nothing you can say or do, not say or not do to get through to him. Have as little to do with him as possible - for your own safety (I lived with him during this time and will never get over the humiliation and hurt, now I found the reason behind his cruel behaviour).

Consult a solicitor, maybe leave the children with his parents or a brother or sister?
Make sure you are protected financially.

Who is supporting you? Do you have family? Does he have family? What are their attitudes? Family disapproval might get through to him but you wouldn't.

Dignity at all times, OP.

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 09:43:17

Please please go to counselling. There are a few clues in your post as to excessive dependency (yes, we have to face up to ourselves in this as well) and you need to work on those.

Good little caring boys who do everything for other people, when they rebel, tend to rebel majorly.

thisthreadwilloutme Fri 11-Jan-13 09:51:56

Get angry and stay angry. If he wants you back he will have to work hard! We're you in KL? We lived in Malaysia for 3 years and there were a lot of affairs. Be strong, you are better than him. Do you really want him back after this?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 09:55:36

Ah but ABit, it was probably offered to him on a plate, what's a man to do. hmm

OP, you didn't deserve this, this must be soul destroying. Hope you have good solid rl support.

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 10:00:04

Donkey that is absolutely not what I am saying. Not one bit. He is 100% responsible for the choices he makes.

What I am saying is: use this pain to grow. If before you leaned on him, now is the time to know that you are the only one who will truly look after you, and start working on that inner strength.

I am not telling OP anything different to what I have applied to myself. Same set of circs, different continent... This stuff HURTS. At the moment, she will collapse in a heap when she sees him, and it is the worst thing she can do (BTDT).

Astelia Fri 11-Jan-13 10:03:39

So sorry to hear this, he fell for the flattery from this woman, who has now landed the big catch- a caucasian expat. I am in Singapore and it happens here too. Be strong, get legal help and protect your finances.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 10:14:56

ABit chill! I have read your posts long enough to know what you meant and I'd have hoped you might recognise me by now. I do not think for a moment you are condoning his behaviour. I was merely observing that this kind of excuse is too often trotted out by perpetrators to excuse their "out of character" behaviour.

Naturally I hope DontWakeMeUp will find the strength to cope and move on.

Sorry OP do excuse us.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 21:53:40

Thanks for all your comments. Lots to think about. I have made an appointment with a solicitor prior to his visit as I shall be telling him I intend to divorce him. I had already had an initial consultation when I first got back. I also am getting our house valued and shall be putting it on the market ASAP. There are too many memories in our home. He is in a bubble, paying for her ( apparently according to his mother she gets a 'small' allowance) she is just a prostitute at the end of the day. He 'loves' her and she 'loves' him! They don't know the meaning of the word. At the moment I am so angry. How he can wipe out 16 years, treat me like an utter piece of shit. He even messaged me at one point saying that I have never been second best! What a joke. He skyped his daughter tonight, I didn't get involved at all ( just giving limited one word answers to his questions). My daughter refuses to speak to him - not my influence. What does he expect - he is a million miles away shes not interested. He will have to accept some of the consequences of his actions. His parents live close and we spent a lot of time with them but the relationship has now become strained as his mother thinks the sun shines out of his backside. She likes to pretend everything's okay and that his behavior is acceptable. She will not say anything to him for fear of loosing him. It makes me so angry. When they have had my daughter and Skype called him they do a song and dance to pretend it's all happy families. Anything to keep their son happy never mind the fact he has abandoned his kids. Even if it was over between us he could come home find a job and be some kind of parent.
Yes we were dependent on each other, but I never saw this as a negative thing. You get on well with someone love and trust them you spend your time with them. Not saying I didn't have things going on outside our relationship. I gave up a good job which I had been in for 10yrs to go to Malaysia. He has destroyed so much - taken my job, my plans for our future, turned me into a single parent, tainted all the happy memories of our 16 year life together, tainted the joy of bringing a new life into the world, taken daddy away from my beautiful children. He has left me to deal with all the shit of sorting stuff out, raising the 2 children on my own. He has a maid to cook and clean, can come home from work to a subservient young little slapper showering him with adoration and being ever ready to get her knickers off. Sorry I sound bitter and twisted ! I am just so angry ( I hope this feeling lasts as it's better than sobbing my heart out because I miss him so much ! )

CabbageLeaves Fri 11-Jan-13 22:02:20

I think you are entitled to rant OP. Your ex is a selfish inadequate dick led prat. Vent. It's good for you

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 23:38:27

I don't think anyone would question why an apparently happy couple would trust each other to the extent you did. All the upheaval of relocation and then, at a time when you were at your most vulnerable, he embarked on his sordid affair. It is unbelievable OP and a further slap in the face when PILs still have him on a pedestal. Even if they don't feel embarrassed seeing you how do they blank out what he's doing to their grandchildren.

Well done for getting that appointment with a solicitor arranged and for seeing what the house would fetch. I wish you well and you are a force of nature.

Mimishimi Sat 12-Jan-13 00:10:17

It's possible that his parents are not quite so positive about it as you think. It may be an act for you to cover their embarrassment about his behaviour. If they ever ask you how you feel about it, reply quietly " I think your son has behaved shamefully" and leave it at that. No histrionics, no mention of the OW,give them no reason to think that anything which he has done has been justified whatsoever. Parents like that are usually very sensitive to people thinking that their children are dishonourable.

When he visits, I suggest as little contact with him as possible. If he wants to see his children, take them to his parents ( there's your third party). I have a gut feeling he will come back and say he regrets the whole thing. Listen carefully, if he places most of the blame on the other woman , please don't believe him. Whatever her faults or qualities, it was not she who destroyed your marriage. He did. It is a choice he could make again because very rarely is about the specifics of the woman they've been cadding about with, it's the youth, availability ( lots in East Asia), and attention ( they will usually only be servile until they think they've got him by the proverbial). Do you have anyone who can give you a big hug? I wish I could.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 09:14:28

My ds said last night that she misses daddy. She wants him to stay all the days. I asked her why she doesn't want to talk to daddy on Skype and she said she can't see him stand up. I have told her he is coming to see her soon. He is just going to upset her again. It just breaks my heart. I have a good mind to message him and ask him how he can live with his conscience - I couldn't. Should I ?

MushroomSoup Sat 12-Jan-13 09:17:05

No you shouldn't. That won't help your daughter.
Dignity at all times.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 12-Jan-13 11:30:30

It must be so hard but I think MushroomSoup is right and your earlier decision to limit contact as much as possible was correct. After all even if he appears to respond appropriately how do you know at a distance if he is just saying what he thinks will placate you and smooth the way for himself? Words are cheap, see how he conducts himself in 2 weeks.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 12-Jan-13 11:53:09

Dontwakemeup - have a search for posts by UnlikelyAmazonian - she knows better than most just what men who do this are capable of.
Don't give him an inch, take him for everything you can.

Abitwobblynow Sat 12-Jan-13 19:54:38

Well said Mimishimi. Please read that post many times.

"His parents live close and we spent a lot of time with them but the relationship has now become strained as his mother thinks the sun shines out of his backside. She likes to pretend everything's okay and that his behavior is acceptable. She will not say anything to him for fear of loosing him."

- and where do you think his internal permission to do anything he needed to make him 'feel good' came from?

shockingly, selfish people have a background of double whammy - emotional neglect, and overindulgence. As my IC said 'he has never internalised right and wrong'.

It leaves a huge internal HOLE in them, OP. I think the quiet comment 'I think you son has behaved shamefully' is a very good one.

can you get your job back? I think this sounds important.

Tryharder Sat 12-Jan-13 20:31:44

I'm sure his parents are cringing with shame and embarrassment but in the end he is their son and they can't disown him. I think the fact that you are close to them and thus your DCs have a relationship with them is important and positive so well done you!

I would place money on the fact that your DH is already regretting his decision but how do you put together back something so shattered?

This Filipino girl will show her true colours soon if she hasn't already and will bleed your DH white. In the meantime, I hope you have a good solicitor.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 21:01:55

Met with the mother in law today and couldn't help myself. Told her about the Skype call and my daughter not wanting to speak with her golden son and that it annoyed me that everyone wants to do a song and dance and play happy families to make him happy on a skype call. She 'blamed' me for walking out the room for his daughter not wanting to speak with him. I said my daughter never used to want to talk to them - the grandparents when they had been gone for a long time. I also told her that he would have to start accepting the consequences of his actions as it isn't as if he is part of a family just working away for a while which is how they would like to see it. I said things are very different now. As far as I'm concerned it's about time she started accepting the consequences too! I don't see why I should have to bite my tongue. Perhaps she should start facing the truth that he has abandoned the precious grandchildren. She would like to view him as a victim as he 'misses ' his daughter. Sorry still on anger overdrive!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 21:14:15

Mothers always do think the sun shines out of the son's arse, even though they are a total prick, its like they are in denial, because deep down they know they made a giant arsehole.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 21:16:11

I know at the end of the day it's not the inlaws fault and they are denying things as I'm sure it's all to painful to accept. Surely he deserves at least a slap around the wrist for this? She is just so desperate not to upset him as he might never speak to her again - isn't that just selfish - what about the best interests of the grandchildren - he will never be a father ( not even weekend part time dad) in any true sense of the word.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 21:17:42

Made me laugh gregsbishopsbottombitch !

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 21:18:45

And when your DC's are older, it'll be the GP's that they question over his behaviour, because he wont be around, and they are gonna have to deal with the reactions, they dont realise that.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 21:21:09

x posted, Dont Its true, my ex is a prick, but can do no wrong, your exes mother has spent a lifetime saying "My son, great man, great father, how perfect he is, " now the ugly truth has come out and she dont wanna admit shes wrong.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 13-Jan-13 20:44:31

Well didn't do so well today. Husband skyped daughter from the MILs. I stayed in the room off screen and lost it. Husband kept looking over at slag who was off screen and didn't even look at our dd! My blood was boiling so I said he was too busy looking at girlfriend to look at our dd. Then MIL mentioned my son sleeping and I had to say that his son was a stranger that in a roomful of babies he wouldn't know from adam and that the Skype call was a farce. MIL was going to end call but he hung up first. I was sooo angry, I know this doesn't help my dd at all - but I was shaking with anger! Sent him a Skype message after saying that I would not be present at any Skype calls in future as although I was understandably angry at his lack of parenting of my children that I do not want to upset dd and that in future could he be one on one with dd to give her his full on attention as his time with her is limited.
Oh I'm am an emotional and sleep deprived mess! I just want to cry! Obviously MIL never said a word about it as usual. Sure she will probably send her precious son an email later apologizing for my behaviour! why do i feel like the one in the wrong here? Why is everything so unfair? Why is he getting away with it? WhyTF is he coming home for just over a week? Do you think if I stab him I could plead insanity (joke)! I feel like he has stabbed me while pregnant, sat and watched me bleed slowly and then when lying in the gutter keeps throwing in a few extra punches. How can he be so cold and cruel and just wipe out our life together as though it were all just so meaningless? How can he actually dump the kids? Will I ever make any sense of this? Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and find the last 6 months have all just been a nightmare and sick joke and I will get my life back. Sometimes I just feel I don't have any strength left, how many more knocks can you take before you fall over?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 13-Jan-13 20:51:16

Awwwww Dont Its not your fault, hes just a real arsehole, thinking of his dick, i would get some distance from them all for a while until you feel less angry, and maybe give MIL the truth and how it hurts you, and if they want to be in the DC's lives then they need to face up to it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 13-Jan-13 21:29:43

Sometimes I wonder if the miracles of technology ie Skype are actually a force for good or evil enabling Twatty Ex to play Dad of the Year. After all time difference aside it's no effort on his part - he is free of a conscience and childcare/sleepless nights, adoring gf next to him, doting DM across the world.

Doha Sun 13-Jan-13 22:57:17

I would stop the Skype calls for a start and limit my time with IL's. They will soon be welcoming OW into the house with their beloved DS and you will be faded into the background.
These circumstances are his choice -not yours and l doubt your DD or for that matter your DS will develop any kind of relationship with him in the short time he is home and he obviously only skypes to "look good" to OW and his parents.
If he wanted to play doting dad he wouldn't have screwed you over---he is not a good dad, far from it.
Time for you to put yourself first.

Mimishimi Sun 13-Jan-13 23:23:31

Is there actually any need for you to be at your in-laws when your daughter visits? You could treat it like a visitation and drop her off for the weekend. Then she could Skype with her father without all the pain it is obviously still causing you. Maybe just hang around for an hour or two at pickup time so that they can see their grandson. They're also in a difficult situation so try not to blame them too much, you want them to stay on good relations with your kids. Please don't meet up with him in the week that he is home...

riveroise Mon 14-Jan-13 03:41:23

I am very sorry that your "D"H is a cheating scum bag and for the terrible things he has done to you and your children and f*cking up your lives sad

Looking on the bright side - at least you are not in Malaysia anymore and your DS was born in the UK. I would imagine that family law backs the fathers rather than mothers in Malaysia. Your children have not been exposed to the "party girl" as yet, and you are not stuck in Malaysia or worst still seeing your DH gain custody, with her looking after them.

Good luck with selling up. I hope you can move closer to your family and friends and not have to rely on the two-faced PILs.

SavoyCabbage Mon 14-Jan-13 03:58:06

He sounds like a right self-involved twat.

I imagine your PIL are in denial about the situation. Have they to,d people he has left you?

I wouldn't see him at all when he comes. Get someone else to drop the dc at his mother's. They are comfortable being there with her already.

No good can come from seeing him.

Abitwobblynow Mon 14-Jan-13 09:31:37

He kept looking off screen at his crack cocaine. You were observing an addict there. Remember: addicts do not care at all who is hurt in their quest to get their 'fix' (every time he looks at her, he gets a burst of brain pleasure chemicals). It is not love!

Stop the Skype calls. Stop seeing your MIL. Stop enabling their FOO bullshit.

Where are your friends? Do you have any? How can you make some? Have you joined your local NCT group? ANY local coffee mornings (the council used to hold them)?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Jan-13 09:48:57

Good luck this week DontWakeMeUp, forget yesterday's debacle and concentrate on establishing what you can do to secure a comfortable future for you and Dcs.

lalalonglegs Mon 14-Jan-13 10:05:33

Hi Dont - it never fails to surprise to me how some men can behave and I think Wobbly may have something when she describes it as an addiction (this explains, it doesn't excuse). You need lots of positive support and I'm not sure that your MIL is the best person to provide that as her loyalties are so split. Let her have the children (to give you a break, if nothing else) but don't confide in her or expect anything more than dogged justification of her son's behaviour sad.

DoingItForMyself Mon 14-Jan-13 10:12:04

Try to have a look at Chocoraisin's threads (How Could He? followed by "Nothing can drag you down if you're not holding on" - note the move into positivity, even in her titles!)

Her cheating twunt also played around while she was pregnant with DC2. She was understandably devastated, but she has handled herself and the situation with such great dignity that she is an inspiration to many in the same circumstances.

She's already reaping the benefits, seeing her ex-twunt for what he really is, knowing that he will treat the OW just as appallingly as he did her and now she is moving onwards and upwards! She has a blog too, to save you reading all the full threads.

It may not feel like it now, but this is the start of a new chapter, not just the end of an old one. You will deal with it all and of course there will be ups and downs but the sooner you realise that the man you thought you were married to does not exist any more (and you grieve for him) the sooner you will be able to move on and start rebuilding a life for yourself and your DCs.

Good luck x

brianbennettfan Mon 14-Jan-13 11:08:08

Hi sweetheart

I am so sorry for your heartache.

What does your lovely DD actually get out of those Skype calls? Pretty close to sod-all, I would imagine. So no more of those, I would say.

I can well understand your anger and frustration with the PILs. In my past life I have had to endure this attitude from not one but two sets of in-laws. Tbh I think that you need to come to terms with the fact that you and the PILs
are never going to be singing from the same hymnsheet as far as their prize pillock of a son is concerned. Maybe your contact with them should be tailored to take that fact into account.

Other than that I don't think I can give better advice and succour than those wise ladies that have gone before me.

Is your notD-H really bringing Miss Lucy Lastic with him? I wouldn't want my DCs anywhere near her.

Good luck.

Abitwobblynow Mon 14-Jan-13 12:20:53

Is Loveyoulongtime coming???? shock shock

Say it ain't so.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 12:21:49

Is your notD-H really bringing Miss Lucy Lastic with him? I wouldn't want my DCs anywhere near her.

I wonder what your DC's will actually get out of meeting her, since they are only back for a week, she'll probably ignore them, or treat them as an inconvience.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 12:23:26

LMAO Abit i love the little one liners i've seen on here, :d

Abitwobblynow Mon 14-Jan-13 13:17:40

Sometimes I just feel I don't have any strength left, how many more knocks can you take before you fall over? - this is called touching the hot stove with your hand [or, alternatively, the definition of deluded hope: banging your head against a brick wall over and over again with the hope of a different result]

You will keep getting knocked until you learn to STAY AWAY: from stupid weak grandma and from selfish him.
You notice it was your fault because you weren't in the room, and it was also you fault that you were in the room? You get that? What does it show? THAT NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

How brave do you feel about saying to Moron Ma in Law: 'It is very hard for me to be in a family which pretends that how he is behaving is OK when it is despicable. I feel very unsupported at the moment and so I am not going to see you for a while. If you would like to see the grandchildren ring me to arrange a date and time, and I will drop them off'. Similarly, drop them off to see their wonderful father. Don't see him, really. It will HURT YOU.

She needs some flipping boundaries, as well as idiot H. This pretending all is OK is not on. She shouldn't be getting away with hurting you like she is!

CoteDAzur Mon 14-Jan-13 13:21:48

OP - So sorry that you are going through this.

I hope you see soon that a man who would leave his pregnant wife isn't worth your tears.

I promise you that it will get better. You are grieving for the relationship you thought you had. Get angry and leave him behind. Onwards and upwards.

toni76 Mon 14-Jan-13 19:02:35

I know you're furious, and it feels like he has got away with it, but he HASN'T
It's only through actually doing the parenting that children learn to love and respect their parents - skype is a piss-poor replacement.
Down the line
YOU will have two children who adore you
YOU will have two children whose every mood you know, whose every face you recognise, who will tell you they love you EVERY morning.
YOU will have self-respect, and the knowledge that you did not behave shamefully

HE will have two children who are at best indifferent to him, at worst, hate him
HE will have an empty relationship based on a lie
HE will have , probably, all manner of STDs.

Seriously. SCREW HIM, and his parents. They are the losers in this. Dickheads.

DontWakeMeUp Wed 16-Jan-13 21:54:46

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice and support. Lots of your comments have made me laugh - so thanks ! It is really helping me get through. Am looking into returning to work. just waiting for my ds to get a little bit older, will be happier to use a nursery/childcare etc.. The silly, slag prostitute isn't coming with him. If she were .....well I don't think I would be responsible for my actions and knowing she is a size 2 I don't think she would fair very well!!! Describing him as an addict is so true - he did actually tell me he was addicted to her. Shame he just can't see her for what she really is.
Trying to keep my head out of his world and think about my own - just hard when there are constant reminders in our house - lots of happy memories. I think the sooner I can move the better really! got to remember he's not hurting , crying about it all, he doesn't care about my pain - he doesn't deserve my heartache - just a shame there isn't a button you can press to switch of your emotions! I think he does deserve my anger about the dcs but actually venting to him is just a waste of time as i think he is so selfish now he will somehow try and turn himself into the victim.

DoingItForMyself Sat 19-Jan-13 13:09:44

You're right there Dont, they never seem to realise the extent of the pain they have caused, even when you try to spell it out for them (until one day the OW leaves them and they are all alone, it dawns on them what an almighty cock-up they have made of their life! By which time you will have moved on and have a fabulous twunt-free life)

Lovelysmilee Sat 19-Jan-13 15:25:36

Having been through this myself but to nowhere near the extent you have, it is true that a dignified front has to be kept. It is unfortunate and the human condition in fact that we want what we can't have - to be frank, if you are really honest there was an imbalance somewhere in your dynamic between the two of you.
I can guarantee that in time he will realise he has made a massive mistake; unfortunately because of biology the way to go forward is almost impossible - thanks to the hormones raging inside of us women the fact that he is the father of your children means that this is a 1000% more difficult for you to walk away from and begin healing. However. I had wake up to the fact that co dependency is not healthy. It sounds like you are back here but with no friends / family to lean on. Any hysterics / emotional 'episodes' will be seen as such, and used as reasons why the relationship may have broken down in the first place. Unfairly, but true.

So, practically?
Right now you have to survive. Make sure you eat, and if you can't eat often make sure you eat healthily when you do - its not your body that did this so punishing it is not fair on it, especially if you are breast feeding.
Definitely get as much legal advice s you can.
Have a chat with the in laws, again NO emotion - they sound rather uptight and they definitely don't talk about feelings etc which is partly how you have ended up in this situ via your husband in the first place. Tell them that you have the impression from their behaviour that they seemingly condone your ex's behaviour. Tell them that you need time for yourself (do not say to heal or anything like that, it just gives them / him more power). Work out a timetable to be strictly adhered to for them visiting / having the grandchildren. They evidently have their own familial issues but that's none of your business xx
Selling the house is a massive upheaval especially on this terrible market. If you rent you can take as much / little of the furniture with you and make a completely fresh start; see it as 'practising' your new life. Then when the market improves and all the legal stuff is done you'll be far more protected, confident, and hopefully well off. Otherwise if you want something more immediate, house swaps are awesome too - you need to get out of there ASAP. If you love the house you may be selling something that in the future could come to signify something good, not just the bad. A change of decor, furniture, even the layout of the house - you need to be in different surroundings for a while just to heal a little.
Do go to the doctor and ask to be referred for therapy. You don't need anti depressants, youve been through a massive trauma and you're grieving. But you do need somebody objective, and to be perfectly honest somebody who won't sit there and agree with everything you say. I was emotionally abused very severely, but even I had to stand up and accept the fact that in some way I allowed it to happen.
Make time for yourself - google everything you can from mum and baby swimming sessions to toddler groups, anything that will give your days structure and a reason for you to get out if the house. Most importantly pamper yourself. A hot bath, joining a gym, making the most of jacuzzi, sauna etc - really helped me. If you can get babysitting favours off family etc. they are there to support us in times of emergency - this id an emergency!!!!

Your husband is a wally. You think you want him back but you don't - you want the old him back, not the person he has become. And people do change unfortunately - if I remember who I was 16 years it's a world away from who I am now.
When he skypes the little girl, look amazing, be friendly, amiable, but give nothing away - if he asks you any questions be smiling and gracious but give short answers. If he notices the difference in you (which he will, trust me) apologise and say that your life is private now, and that you are happier. And. say that is all he needs to know. You see he's 1000s of miles away sitting there with this girl thinking you're safely at home an emotional wreck pining for him; that means he doesn't have to worry about other men being on the scene which believe me, if he even had an inkling of a thought otherwise, he'd be concerned. Very concerned.

Lastly remember, you are doing all of this for you sbd your children. NOT him / to get him back. This will be a life changing experience, and do it should be. But if you embrace it as the beginning of a new, independent adventure for you and your babbies, therein lies the light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck sweetie x

trustissues75 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:13:49

I really do feel for you. I too followed my ex around with his job...we came back on holiday from South Korea, he convinced me to stay with DS saying he'd get a position in the UK as soon as he could and about 10 weeks later he had quit his job in South Korea and moved in with a woman in Florida not far from his parent's house - he'd visited Florida just a month before for a week without me knowing. The woman's husband died less than 2 weeks before my NSDH moved in with her and her two children. Since then I have been in a battle to keep hold of our DS which has almost bankrupted my parents, we have endured temporary emergency accommodation, we have lived without all of our belonging and have had to build up from the most basic of things (we actually slept on the floor for nearly a month) since NSDH refuses to return any of our belongings - his lawyer has said I'm more than welcome to come to Florida where NSDH had everything shipped and retrieve everything (with what you fucking moronic septic?). He's abusive and nasty because he's not getting his way ie me putting DS on a plane, he's stopped paying child support to try to force my hand, he's had his lawyer try to discredit me with my solicitor, he has blatently lied saying I've kidnapped our DS and have refused to tell him where we are. He uses DS as a messenger and recently, after finding out that I'm pregnant and him mentioning the OW's name to DS three times in a 5 minute conversation in hopes of a reaction and getting none, he has thrown a strop on DS and told him that since DS doesn't seem to have an awful lot to say to him that he'll only bother calling once a week from now on. Fancy making your 8 year old child responsible for their relationship with their parent!! You're not alone, but it does feel lonely and it's hurtful and gut wrenching....your NSDH is an arse, a snake, a dirtbag....and it won't feel like it right now (it took me over 6 months to realise it) you are far better off without him.

Huge hugs to you.

trustissues75 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:21:32

Oh and's just turned 2 years since he left us homeless and penniless and although I do still have bad days (I so want to make him pay) I'm much happier than I had been for a long time, have learned that what I considered normal is in fact abusive and I'm growing in confidence and strength. I've found myself dealing with things in a much more forward and confident manner and am learning to say what I mean and what I need....

Hopefully in a few months you will see that being a complete twat was the best theing your NSDH ever did for you.

Look after yourself and your lovely DC's - you are far stronger than you realise.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 20-Jan-13 21:00:07

Thanks again for all the comments. Trying to remember the non-emotional bit but so hard. Lost it a bit with the ILs again. MIL had set up a Skype when I went around today that I had no idea about. Got very angry and told them a few home truths. Got a lot off my chest ! Not sure it will make the slightest bit of difference as to how they perceive the situation but at least they know how I feel about it /them. At least I'm not 2 faced!
Really got to reign in the emotions for when H comes , especially the anger ( which is the over riding feeling at the moment! )

DontWakeMeUp Mon 21-Jan-13 20:42:03

Husband throwing his toys out the pram about the amount of access he will have with the dc when he comes. Messaged him and told him I would not be messing up dd routine ( which he said was okay originally) but when it turns out he won't see her that much ( why should I bend over backwards and deal with the meltdowns caused by getting her over tired to spend extra time with him? I have a 6 wk old baby to look after too!) he has messaged ' it's not enough' . I so want to throw that back at him ! IT'S NOT ENOUGH how little he is here for dd and ds! Of course he is not thinking about the effect his visit will have on dd - specifically the after effects. He is so incredibly selfish. It hurts so much to think that he has changed so much. That he is and will be capable of walking in and out of dc lives. I still live in a kind of shock that he hasn't even met his son, he has missed the birth, first smiles etc.. Who is this man? I want my husband back the man I married, who was caring and kind - what the hell happened !?

lalalonglegs Mon 21-Jan-13 22:19:16

He will accuse you of using your children to punish him. Remind yourself as often as you need to that you are trying to maintain some sense of normality for them, especially your daughter. He won't like it but he will have to accept (eventually) that his actions have consequences and one of those is that he is unlikely to figure much in his children's lives. Stay strong, get this visit out of the way - it will be hellish but life will settle down a bit afterwards.

Mimishimi Tue 22-Jan-13 00:25:51

Be sure not to use your DD to punish him as well though. To be honest, I'd probably let her routine get thrown out a bit if it's only for a week or so. However, you should not be expected to go out of your way to arrange all that. Perhaps let her stay with the in-laws for a week? You could drop her off before he arrives and pick her up after he is gone.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 02:29:37

Don't think DD would take kindly to staying at her grandparents, seeing daddy again - oh joy! - then have him disappear again into the blue. Personally I think she's too young (not even 4 yet?) to handle that trauma - or is that too strong? severe disappointment again. It's her mum that has to deal with the aftermath not him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 02:29:37

Don't think DD would take kindly to staying at her grandparents, seeing daddy again - oh joy! - then have him disappear again into the blue. Personally I think she's too young (not even 4 yet?) to handle that trauma - or is that too strong? severe disappointment again. It's her mum that has to deal with the aftermath not him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 02:52:07

Sorry for earlier double post.

I can't explain why he has altered so drastically DontWakeMeUp but you have hit the nail on the head, he won't be affected by your tears. His parents might say he has flipped through stress or fear of life passing by or a milestone birthday - or more likely he got caught up in his own myth making, or perhaps he always had a selfish streak a mile wide you never saw or ignored. The OW could have been anyone, she's not special.

It doesn't seem much consolation but hang onto your dignity because further down the road you'll be so much better off without him. Don't use your children as weapons but keep protecting them like a mother tiger, (if your ex finally condescends to meet DS lets hope he feels a flicker of shame) and make sure their passports are safely tucked away.

Mimishimi Tue 22-Jan-13 03:43:46

There will be an aftermath regardless though. If she allows unfettered access by sending her DD to her grandparents, he can't use it as ammunition against her in future as to reasons why he hasn't seen his DC enough (when they get old enough to ask him). It would also give her a week's break from childcare of the toddler which might be nice for her. She should definitely not let him into her home to see the newborn though - maybe rrange for a two hour meeting at the grandparents with the strict proviso that she is not expected to be there. I don't think OP should be expected to put on a brave front and hang around to keep her in-laws happy (whether he is there or not). In the unlikely event he did ask to meet up I'd say "Sure, how about my solicitor's office on xyz date and we can discuss proceedings?". OP, if you do meet up with him, please be acutely aware that he isgoing to sweet talk you as much as possible ("I'm so confused', 'it's me, not you' etc) and try to leave you in some doubt with regards to his true feelings/intentions until he feels that things are financially in his favour.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 03:53:53

Totally agree, no need to hand ex any ammunition. Access by all means but as long as OP says she's acting in DD's best interests, and ensures he has reasonable access, ex can't really dictate can he. As primary caregiver she'll know more about DD's routines than he will. DD isn't a dolly to be picked up on a whim.

Abitwobblynow Tue 22-Jan-13 07:37:27

How are you, Don't? Are you okay? How are you bearing up?

MN how can Don't respond with dignity to the text 'that isn't enough'?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:39

Hi ABit Obviously H is only thinking of himself and not above trying to provoke Don't, but lambasting him is draining and if posters advocate 'dignity' they don't mean roll over and meekly acquiesce, I imagine they mean don't rise to the bait, keep as detached as you can.

Don't, how's it going today?

Stay strong OP. What you've described is devastating, and it is extremely difficult to accept that that's what he's become.

Are you managing to eat and keep a daily routine?


DontWakeMeUp Tue 22-Jan-13 16:09:03

I'm okay but incredibly stressed re. visit. My dd (aged 3 and a half) is at nursery 4 days a week til 3pm ( H already agreed she should keep going as normal) . So after nursery school I will have to ferry her to the grandparents ( I have the car seat) and pick her up. This is hassle as she will be tired and I will have the bedtime meltdown - need to pick her up at 6 for bed at 7. I have a new baby to look after too and no sleep. I have suggested he can have her once after school ( I will have to do the running around). Also Fridays I take the dc out all day - playgroup and soft play with friends - this is a regular routine so why should this change ? He can have her sat, and sun afternoon ( I take her out to tumble tots Sunday mornings - if he takes her I will have the fallout next week when he is gone asking where he is etc.. ) He comes on Thursday this week, too late to see her,and goes next sat. So do I say he can have her one other afternoon ( at my expense) and one Friday afternoon ? If I do this I feel I am again doing what he wants and pandering to him. What is actually best for my dd and what about me as a mother to a 6 wk old baby? Is it best for dd to see more of him and suffer the consequences after ( I will be the one picking up the pieces ) or less? He is hardly going to maintain a true relationship in a week. I also am juggling a new baby so part of me feels why should I put myself out for him - I ferry her to school and then all the extra work ? I am a single parent doing all the work with no sleep. I have messaged to say he can have ds for 2 hours on sat - I will drop off and collect. What do you think?
I haven't replied to his message of ' it's not enough'.

GirlsonFilm Tue 22-Jan-13 16:25:18

Don't I've just read through your story and my he's twat isn't he?

On a practical note re his visit, why don't you suggest that DH collects DD from nursery and drops her off at your house at 6:30 (you could leave the carseat at nursery for him to use), he could do that a couple of times if he wants to.

I know it's bloody hard, but you're in for a long game and you want/need to have the morale high ground at every turn (you don't want him whinging that he's "flown all the way from the Philipines leaving loveyoulongtime for a whole week and you will not let him see his children").

I'd also be tempted to have the divorce papers ready and waiting for him arriving.

Good luck and know that there are many on here willing you on and sending you good thoughts.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 16:32:59

It's a lot of motoring about but as you say, it's just for one week. It is not just pandering to him, it is letting her see her DF, and though you don't need to grovel to PILs, it should highlight how reasonable you are, and may well keep them onside with practicalities after he jets back.

Same goes for him seeing DS. I don't envy you, what a wrench, the whole situation is not of your making but you are coping so well.

Part of me thinks, as you will need a car seat big enough for DS at some point, in addition to the one you have for DD at her age, wouldn't it be useful if he buys a forward facing seat now while over here? Then when she is due to see him, during his stay, he or PILs can do some of the ferrying. DS will be able to use it once he outgrows his rear facing baby seat.

I am sure posters with more experience of this will soon be along.

lalalonglegs Tue 22-Jan-13 17:06:05

I'd tell your husband or your in-laws to get a car seat and do the running round themselves (you can get perfectly decent ones in Halfords for #40). Yy, to having divorce papers ready.

SugarPasteSnowflake Tue 22-Jan-13 18:19:38

And if he keeps bleating about it not being enough, then point out that the situation is of his own making.

if he is concerned about seeing his kids then perhaps he should think about his permanent living arrangements with his kids welfare at heart, instead of with his dick.

Remind him that he needs to consider the effect on the DC after he's returned to little miss hot stuff; if dd spends huge amounts of time with him then has to try and grasp why he isn't there anymore, it's likely to cause her huge upset and disruption.

Remind him that after all he's seeing the kids because it's about their best interests, not his, isn't he?

DontWakeMeUp Tue 22-Jan-13 19:27:38

About the car seat - another should have arrived by now with our stuff from Malaysia - he played games, saying our belongings had been shipped ( we still have a lot of possession in our UK house) when it had not so I have no idea when it will arrive. I would rather not DH get involved with her nursery - again questions will come of it. As to sleeping at the IL s she has never been apart from me only when I went into hospital and because I went into labour early with no warning I have had lots of upset from this. She has people in her lives only to leave. Our 'maid' was her best friend and she talks about her still. She probably is more resilient than I give her credit for though. I suppose I could send him a message asking 'what does he propose is enough?' . What gets me is that when he was judging us on Skype before we returned to Malaysia I remember him saying this is when I will miss her. What about her missing him- it just never occurred to him did it?

DontWakeMeUp Wed 23-Jan-13 20:01:35

Just want to thank everyone again for all your input - you are all helping me get through this ! Managing to multitask on very little sleep ! Still eating x Have just had my second bout of mastitis and high temp but I dragged myself to solicitor today. Not sure he will take what the solicitor has said about our finances very well. Just got to face him with it at some point. Sure he will get nasty.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 23-Jan-13 20:26:00

Sorry you are coping with twin evils of disturbed sleep patterns and mastitis. Glad you got to see solicitor. H probably won't be skipping and clapping at news of the finances but he should have thought of that - he may in his own warped way appreciate that you are taking steps to move things along. You've got the moral high ground however PILs greet him like the prodigal son.

Hope you bear up and don't let him have the satisfaction of thinking you are lost without him. Can imagine the strain not to slap him but good luck.

Mimishimi Thu 24-Jan-13 00:19:24

This isn't directly related to this thread but I've been watching quite a few of this Youtuber's makeup videos lately (didn't know how to apply really) and thought of you when watching this one last night. Her voice is really calming, like she's an old friend, and maybe it might help you as well in the 'not looking lost without him' department smile

Abitwobblynow Thu 24-Jan-13 07:22:40

How are you, Don't?

How many days till he comes?

DontWakeMeUp Thu 24-Jan-13 21:11:22

I'm stressed , incredibly stressed - he has arrived today late. I suggested 2 more afternoons access. I believe I am being more than reasonable about access ( just hoping its not too much as in its effect on dd). He is not having dd or meeting ds for the first time til sat. We are out all day tomorrow. He sent me a message today saying that he doesn't want to disrupt dd routine and that he wants to call me tomorrow if that's okay. I did message him telling him we need to meet to discuss the separation. I don't know if I want to talk to him tomorrow was thinking the first time we would have contact would be Saturday. Just feel a bit thrown and I feel like crying.
Oh I just at this very moment want to melt away and not have to face all this. I didn't need all this shit and drama, hurt and pain - I just wanted a normal, ordinary family life - with ups and downs not this. i remember originally when it happened i felt that I must have done something incredibly bad to deserve this to happen to me. I expected something to be wrong with the baby ( at one point I didn't care about the baby and was very negative about the pregnancy and this is when I went to my gp and asked for help - i can't believe i felt that way as i absolutely adore my son ) I still have two beautiful children and a roof over our heads. I don't have hundreds of friends but my best friend I have vented at no end. she was there at the birth, she has cooked me meals and brought them around. She has sent me text messages every single day, checking I'm okay. She has just turned up with bags of groceries to make sure I'm eating. Its people like her that that restore your faith in humanity when someone else has crushed it so badly. It's when a crisis happens you find out who actually is a true friend. It's those people that keep your head above water and keep you surviving! ( sorry if I've sounded a bit melodramatic about it all - I just have to get it all out sometimes!)

DontWakeMeUp Thu 24-Jan-13 21:31:41

I am making sure I will look as fabulous as possible. I have lost all the baby weight already and am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes ( this is down to him - i lost quite a bit of weight in the pregnancy due to stress , so I didn't have much to come off- when I think what he has put me through ggrrrhhh ! ) . I have had my hair done. If I can manage to smile, seem unconcerned and unaffected by him as possible I think this will really, really get to him. I think it's about time he stops thinking everyones going to fall over for him ( like the subservient bar slag and maybe still the MIL ) and starts facing the fallout.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Jan-13 21:39:34

Am so glad you have such a solid friendship close at hand, what a gem. You'd do the same for her if your situations were reversed. I don't think you sound melodramatic one bit - good grief look what H has put you through!

In a way although disconcerting that you'll meet up imminently, maybe it's better to see him early on, instead of knowing he's around and have stress of anticipation of what he has to say, on top of stress of seeing him and dealing with DD. Hope for the best, plan for the worst - you have done your homework and are smart and capable and have nothing to be ashamed of.

You have been right there for your DCs and your DS won't know anything different - as far as he's concerned you've been the centre of his world from day one. He and his big sister are lucky to have their mum to provide them with a safe stable loving life.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Jan-13 21:42:24

X post! Excellent approach. Let him see what he's missing.

Abitwobblynow Fri 25-Jan-13 14:39:28

make sure you refer to her as 'Loveyoulongtime'.

If he is at all interested in anything soldierlike, he will know exactly what you mean [in Vietnam the whores used to proposition the troops saying I love you long time]

DontWakeMeUp Sun 27-Jan-13 03:15:50

Have managed to drop off dc and pick up. Couldn't even look at my husband . Only said a few words. Couldn't even manage a hello just said 'here is your son I will pick him up in 2 hours'. Loosing my resolve -have arranged by text a meet up Monday for a discussion - just want to message him now. Trying to be as distant as possible, but just want to tell him I still love and miss him. Does that make me pathetic? Just have to remind myself he is messaging loveyoulongtime and probably telling her how much he loves and misses her. It just all hurts so much again.

Mimishimi Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:09

Don't tell him. Of course It doesn't mean you are pathetic for feeling this way but it will make you appear so to him, which will be gratifying to his ego and he will think that you are still 'safely' his. Tell your good friend that you still love and miss him if you need to let it out. Not that you want to appear overtly 'don't give a damn' which will correctly be perceived as bravado but if you act as though you can see a future without him, a sort of 'let's get down to business' attitude despite the hurt, he is more likely to have some respect for you and maybe a little bit of fear too? That he could be displaced.

SplatSplat Sun 27-Jan-13 11:44:12

Long time poster / lurker but namechanged

Please on no account tell him you love him and miss him.

This is not a man who has made a huge mistake and realises it and is wanting and willing to do whatever it takes to get you back.

He is no friend to you and you need to calmly treat him like the snake he is.
Cold distain is what to go for. After all, he has fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book, which makes him very very stupid as well as selfish and entitled.
This is not a man who is about to really face up to his mistakes, responsibilities and personality inadequacies any time soon.

To help you stop yourself from telling him you love and miss him, just remember that he has chosen her easy shag over you and your children when you were at your most vulnerable-^and continues to do so^.
Seriously ask yourself what kind of a man is that? Then imagine them together. That should help you to retain your dignity. You certainly will regret it if you plead with him now. I can promise you that.

Then think of your DD. What advice would you be givng her if this happened to her? Don't you think you deserve to take that good advice yourself?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 27-Jan-13 13:02:53

After so long apart of course you miss him. DD will have loved seeing him and you gave birth not long ago to DS. His reappearance reminds you of how things were and how they could have been!

Unfortunately he used your UK visit to jump into bed with some female he'd either just met or shagged behind your back previously.

When you came back it was all over for you and DD and unborn DS. Thrown aside like yesterday's old newspaper. Has he besieged you with calls pleading forgiveness? Begged you to return? Asked PILs to mediate? Er, no.

New woman new life. No prior warning.

It's a reaction to the man he used to be. He is someone else now. I am sorry.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 27-Jan-13 13:10:53

Meeting with him tomorrow morning out ( with son). Going to talk about a few things before I finally mention the Divorce. Stability with Skype times for our dd for one thing and a few other things I.e house repairs/costs etc... I know as soon a the D word is mentioned he is going to get nasty. I have told him we are meeting to discuss the separation (assets etc..) so you would think he has an inkling that I have sort legal advice. Just hope I can remain calm and not rise to him. Will try a 'softly' approach and try,try,try to be agreeable - ' what do you think?' although I'd rather just swear lots and tell him he is a twunt and how much hurt he has caused. Did think about putting a t-shirt on ds with 'worlds best dad' on it ! Know it's pointless as trying to get at him won't help anything.

Nevergrowingup Sun 27-Jan-13 16:44:58

Hi, I feel so sad reading your story, but don't expect him to come out of his bastard mode and return to being the man you knew. He will not have looked back and will feel no hesitation in hurting you more if it furthers his future plans. He will have told people a pack of lies and rewritten your past. That is why its important that you take control of your own future and don't expect him to see you or your DCs as a priority. Sorry to be so harsh.

Before you meet with him, work out the top five things you want to speak to him about and don't go 'off message'. He will make mincemeat of you if you descend into emotions and reperussions. Treat is as a business meeting until you know otherwise. Decide what decisions you need made before he goes away and insist you have answers, which you can follow up with a confirmation email. I wouldn't worry about being agreeable, just be civil and stick to your five topics. That will be enough for now and help you move on. Clarity and confidence. You can fall apart again when you get home, but not in front of him.

'World's best Dad'? He's a complete shit and should only be allowed into your DCs lives when he treats you with respect. Thats the message he needs to understand the most.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 27-Jan-13 19:06:18

He's been self indulgent putting himself first. From other people's accounts I have read many times how confusing it is when there is no overt animosity or apparent awkwardness on meeting.

The temptation is to leap to the conclusion (i) he doesn't hate me (ii) there's still a spark between us (iii) how can he look me in the eye without being thoroughly ashamed if he weren't at heart the same decent, principled, lovely guy I married?

It takes guts for you to see him and talk in a civil way allowing him reasonable access to DCs. It doesn't take guts for him to breeze back into plain sight, play Dad With The Most for a week before scooting back overseas to Lay Me or whatever her name is.

Let him make the running. Keep in mind you are primary carer for two under 4s and his marital vows vaporised leaving you humiliated and redundant overseas. So you have to look after yourself and DCs and not let him think you are somehow on standby as a safety net if his Malaysian dream bubble bursts.

DontWakeMeUp Mon 28-Jan-13 22:28:09

Met him today. told him i wanted a divorce and that i had sought legal advice etc.. It started off with him being aggressive about the finances as he didn't like what i was proposing. Eventually he 'calmed' down a bit and agreed he needed to take some legal advice .He held his son ( for the first time). I don't know it was hard as I still love the twunt. Why? I just do despite everything. I wish I could just turn off my feelings but this is sixteen years we are talking about and it's just not that easy. I did tell him i could never forgive what he had done to me and that i wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way he had treated me after he said he still 'cared' about me. I did get a bit tearful then but pulled it back. After making a few digs at love you long time whom I found out he pays quite a lot too ( and i did refer to her as love you long time) and whom doesn't work or clean the apartment etc. he walked out. Mentioning her prior to the digs made his face light up ( which obviously made me feel sick so he's still really infatuated there). Met him again, I called him and we met briefly- just to say I wanted things to stay civil and that I wanted a clean break with the divorce settlement etc. so then we would never have to see each other again. I suppose I had hoped for more emotionally from him ( stupid I know). Anyway after floods of tears ( once he had gone) I really stupidly sent him a text telling him I still loved him. Managed to claw back some dignity later by sending another message telling him that although I had said it ( i loved him) that I didn't love the man he had become as he was cruel and could abandon his kids. I said he was no good for me and that if he had any feelings for me at all he would let me have a clean break with regards to the settlement. I messaged also to say that I could cuddle the kids, they are the loves of my life and they are all that I really need. His last message to me is that his ds is the love of his life and that he did not want to abandon his kids now! More cheap talk - he will just walk out again.
Why does all of this just still hurt so bad? Why can I not see him for what he is and can still see who he was ( but I bet he is so sweet and lovely to the slag) why am I jealous, why do I still just care so much? Why when I looked him in the eyes did I just want him to feel something more for me, more than anything? I've still got days of him here and I need to steer clear don't I ? Love you long time will be overjoyed with me wanting a divorce ( this he pretty much agree with as i mentioned it) and he didn't make any comment when i said he could always start another family with her. I should have kept the meeting short and sweet and listened more to the advice I've been given on here !!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 28-Jan-13 22:40:53

sad For all the advice on here you will feel a pang and until you accept in your heart as well as your head it's over, it's just words on a screen. Please never berate yourself, 16 years and 2 beautiful DCs to show for it, your marriage ran its course.

DontWakeMeUp Tue 29-Jan-13 04:12:30

How do I get my heart to accept it? Will I ever get over this?
I just wish I wasn't here in the UK where I have all the happy memories of 'growing up' with my husband. Now he's back he is replaying like a movie in all our old haunts in my head. Those memories now are tainted as they don't seem to mean to him what they do to me. I just wish I could forget.

Nevergrowingup Tue 29-Jan-13 07:45:49

Be kind to yourself, you have been through an enormous event and one which will take time to work through.

You handled it brilliantly and don't worry about 'losing' it during your meetings. It will not be lost on him, but he doesn't realise this at the moment. How cruel of him to show happiness when talking about his slut. sad

Your heart will take time to get used to all of this, despite what your head is saying. That's completely normal. Its very early days.

Just be kind to yourself. Don't rush anything and for now, make sure you are financially secure. Don't even consider what other people expect from you at the moment. The future choices are yours and take time to work out what you want, not what anyone else thinks you want, or anyone else thinks is right. Its very early days here.

lonelyplanetmum Tue 29-Jan-13 07:53:44

Lurker here. Yes it is so so hard to move on after 16 years.... but you can do it. Take inspiration from the wonderful women on here who have moved on so successfully after 15,20 ..... 25 years- and ultimately are happier.
You can move on. It doesn't matter what your seedy DH may feel about the memories you share. You need to detach, detach, detach from what you think he might be thinking.

I have an ex who " wanted to be free" after our DD was born . So years ago I set him free. He missed seeing his lovely, talented, witty DD grow up. He missed her first words, first steps,first nativity play,first swim, first orchestra concert,her joy at her 10 stellar GCSE results, first boyfriend.Do you know what - she and I have had a ball. (I also eventually found her a new Daddy who shares my immense pride and joy). Ex missed out on so much. He is a fool.I don't know or care if he feels that great loss in his life.I do know that my life has been better and happier. His loss!

Do you really, really want some-one who has shown such a lack of a moral core. Who instantly looked outside your marriage rather than working on it. What would you advise a friend whose weak and seedy DH was unfaithful ,and had become infatuated with some bar tart?

Yes make sure you are ok financially. Have lovely relaxing bubbly baths, have your hair done, get outside into some green space and have whatever little treats you enjoy.

You deserve better.

lonelyplanetmum Tue 29-Jan-13 08:06:50

Oh and you asked how to get your heart to accept it .... Recite like a mantra " I deserve better. I deserve better" or another phrase of your choosing. Eventually your heart will feel that too.
You are worth so much more than him.

Salbertina Tue 29-Jan-13 08:06:59

Oh OP, am so so sorry sad
Please dont also beat yourself up for being human and lovung, dont berate yourself for your feelings on top of everything else! Accept them but yes, try to detach ..or failing that "act as if" and pretend to detach, kid yourself until with time it becomes real.
Theres a real expat angle here (speaking from experience)- could also help to post on Living Overseas?

Abitwobblynow Tue 29-Jan-13 08:13:10

Please make SURE you document how much he pays Loveyoulongtime and claim for it in settlement. That is wasting marital assets. In fact, claim double and you can always come down.

When he walked out he showed you where his loyalties lay. DO NOT try to 'reach' him believe me I know how futile that is.

The thing is, when narcissists find a new supply, you literally become a discarded object. You are the ariel on the roof I talked to you about, I promise you. Now is the time to get a SHL.

Mimishimi Tue 29-Jan-13 08:16:13

Nevergrowingup's advice is good. It doesn't matter what any of us say or think you should do ... You have to do what is right for you. In any case, it sounds as though you handled it as well as could be expected in the circumstances. It's completely understood that you can't erase your love of sixteen years for him in just a few months .

It might be of some comfort to you that practically all Filipino women that I've seen in Hong Kong ( there are lots working as domestic helpers) become rather plain in middle age. Yes, your DH still sounds infatuated by her but she will always be looking over her shoulder wondering if and when he is going to do the same to her. As improbable as it might sound to you now, I'll warrant she feels jealous of you and will continue to do so even after the divorce, even if you never/rarely talk to him again. You spent sixteen years with him before discovering he is a cheat, that is something she will never have. Whenever they argue,it will always be in the back of her mind that he might run back to you or find a fresher model.

Salbertina Tue 29-Jan-13 08:18:53

Just a thought, but think you. Should get spies friends on board back in Malaysia. Evidence- gathering and fetching any personal possessions??
God, makes me mad- i know of so many cases like this- in asia and where i am now. Always, always the bloody men who get their heads turned, f**king bastards! At least its not personal Op, its almost systemic in expat circles angry

DontWakeMeUp Mon 04-Feb-13 22:23:29

Well I've gone and met up with him a lot and he has said it's not over between us and is talking about dumping her again. We talked alot about our marriage breakdown and what we should have done and what we could do in future. So I have stupidly fallen for it. He doesn't want me to move on, he wants his cake and eat it. I've been drawn right back in. Anyway he has said he will dump her next week when her friend has gone. This is just a lie isn't it ? Why is it I remain a bit hopeful? I will then carry on the divorce and go back to no contact. I've had the "I love you and you love me" and the " I know what needs to be done I just need to get there" and " my intention is to get with you". He has told me he wants his wife and family. Only time will tell and I have made it very clear I am not waiting around. Am I just mad?

AbigailAdams Mon 04-Feb-13 22:43:52

Yes it is a lie. Don't listen to his words look at his actions. He abandoned you in a foreign country when you had no job, you were pregnant and has expected you to cope for the last 6 months without any support from him. He has not shown any remorse.

His sense of entitlement is astounding. "my intention is get with you". Where do you figure in this? When have you ever figured tbh? He is incredibly selfish. I can't imagine that someone showing this amount of selfishness suddenly changed over night. I would be thinking about his actions even before you went to Malaysia and remembering what he was really like, not through rose-tinted spectacles. I suspect his selfish traits were manifesting themselves then and throughout your relationship. He certain,y gets his sense of entitlement from his parents.

I would imagine if you got back with him you would be wrecked again 12 months down the line. As would your children. What you and the children want and need he just will not provide.

Mimishimi Mon 04-Feb-13 23:47:59

Did he seem remorseful OP? Did he apologise and ask you to forgive him? Or did he just seem to assume that you will take him back and not seem to be too fazed by what he has done? If it's the last, please be very wary. I am aware that people can make mistakes ( I made one though it was before engagement/ marriage, not on this scale and not for this long) , that they can be genuinely sorry and not make them again. I would be pretty hypocritical for me to warn you off him for the mistake but if he blames the other woman entirely, makes excuses for putting off the things which he knows have to be done , does not seem genuinely ashamed of himself - I'd be very, very careful and try to take it all with a grain of salt. He has to prove himself, you don't owe him anything.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 00:18:44

Oh you poor thing, I am in a similar boat though not living abroad anymore yet the whole thing has caught up with me. I have 3 very small kids with my H who is nothing but a lying, cheating, integrity-less bastard, a control freak and word-twister, a finger-pointer and dick head who uses his cock as a moral compass.

Sorry for the rude words, but having pent a lot of time in SE Asia and seen those girls and men together, I completely understand how you are feeling and I am sorry for you.

It is okay to mourn the life you dreamt of but trust me you ad a lucky escape. He would have shown his face at some point. Yes you have 2 beautiful children now who depend on you but they will also be yor biggest strength. You are still young now and new doors will open up for you.

Mimishimi has written a very good post. Please do not blame the 'ho' becazse though they are a money grabbing bunch and expat keen, HE fell for it.

My twat of an H is like that too. I thought the girls were jut a bit too keen, but no, my H just made his come hither eyes and he engaged in all this when he knew I was sitting at home pregnant or with the babies.

I am wishing you much strength. I will follow your post.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 10-Feb-13 03:17:40

Well he has gone and finished it with her. She should be leaving today. I know he is telling the truth. What do I do now? It's what I wanted but he is hardly full of remorse. I have told him we will have to work through a lot of negative stuff to get to where we want to be and he obviously agreed. Part of me is overjoyed, part is as confused as f...k and part of me is thinking what the hell am I doing ? It's like I almost have had to win him back -I know I was really unhappy in Malaysia and I am obviously partly to blame for our marriage breakdown - but shouldn't it be the other way around? Our marriage breakdown doesn't excuse what he has done. Shouldn't he be the one making the effort to win me back? He also is still concerned about her - is sorting out somewhere for her to go as he doesn't want to see her on the street. Surely that's where she came from (the gutter)? He said she is cut up - what about my hurt who cared about that - not him or her! I hope she is devasted ( probably an act to secure funds) at least then what goes around comes around. Maybe she will think twice about going for a married man with a pregnant wife ( probably just married will be enough) ! Nothing excuses what he has done. I just have to see whether he, in time is capable of facing his flaws and facing my hurt ( as I think he is in denial about the amount of damage he has done to me). I am still waiting for my true SORRY. At least when he was messing me around emotionally before i know that some of his feelings where genuine that he had some doubts ( it wasn't just him just certain he was staying with her as he has now acted and finished with her). All I can do is take it one step at a time. Maybe when he is in the uk he will remember that it is unacceptable to treat a woman so badly - just because everyone can lie and cheat, have affairs and treat women like dirt in Malaysia DOES NOT MAKE IT ACCEPTABLE! Please am I mad for wanting to get my husband back even though I now know what he is capable of ?

scaevola Sun 10-Feb-13 05:24:48

No, you are not mad.

There are MN posters who decided to attempt to mend their marriages, and it's a damned brave choice, a hard choice and an uncertain thing.

You might each have been 50% responsible for the state of the marriage, but he's 100% responsible for the affair and has to do the lion's share of healing that, and that tends to need to come first, so you can gain the strength and equilibrium to look at improving the marriage in the round. If you think he is still in denial (normal, but impossible to make progress from if he sticks there), then you need to decide how much time you give him to make progress in examining himself, facing his own flaws and mending them. It's an uneasy phase - you each need to work on yourselves (in different ways: him to face himself, you to strengthen yourself; and work as a couple) and these take differing amounts of time to progress and there will be times when those timings are in conflict (like now, when you've made a massive step in giving him a chance, but you are still not sure if he can step up to the mark).

This is probably a good time to find individual and joint marriage counsellors and look for books and on line resources.

Salbertina Sun 10-Feb-13 05:41:46

Indeed, not mad! Yes, he should be the one doing the running

Timetoask Sun 10-Feb-13 06:26:10

Dontwakemeup: you clearly want this to work, but I agree with you, he needs to try and win you back. A couple of questions for you:
1- Is he able to get work in the UK?, staying in Malaysia is simply not a good idea. I think this should be a condition for you to stay together as a family
2- Get a good couples therapist to help you both overcome this

lalalonglegs Sun 10-Feb-13 10:10:33

I don't think you're mad at all but I do think he will have to work like a demon to make your marriage work. Lots of people have affairs and manage to mend their marriages afterwards but he didn't just have an affair - he has behaved so cruelly with such disregard for you and your children. I'd be very worried that his concern for the OW means that he isn't fully committed to moving on - even if he does worry about her, why tell you? - and I don't think either of you should go back to Malaysia.

Stay separate for a few months to see if he does want to try to make the relationship work or whether he assumes he is just going to slip back into the old routine once he has said a perfunctory sorry. I'd be very worried indeed if, after a few days, he implies in any way that you are being a nag or not moving on fast enough {"Look, I've said I'm sorry" "What else can I do?" "How long are you going to keep this up?" etc hmm)

Doha Sun 10-Feb-13 10:43:42

Sorry but l don't think it will be too long till love me long time is back on he scene or at least a different OW if he stays in Malaysia. I certainly wouldn't advise you to go back there.

I would be thinking long and hard if you really want him back. A man who treated you so badly while pregnant and wasn't around for the star of his DS's life. What is her excuse for having this affair? He certainly doesn't sound remorseful LMOAT a if he knew you would be waiting in he wings to take him back.
ANd above everything else make sure he has STI checks

Doha Sun 10-Feb-13 10:48:25 was that meant to mean hmm

lonelyplanetmum Sun 10-Feb-13 10:57:48

That's a first essential step towards showing he loves you, but it's a lot of hard work ahead. I absolutely agree (from experience) that you have to find childcare for an hour or so a week, and have individual and/ or joint counselling when he's here. Treat yourself gently...

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 10-Feb-13 13:10:36

I am one of the few who took her DH back after an affair. However, as others have said, its not an easy road.

Your H will have to do all the hard work in helping you recover and look into himself to find out what issues and character flaws made him justify treating you in such a vile way. Given how awful he has been and the lack of remorse he has shown so far, I very much doubt he will want to do the work.

I agree he needs to get tested for STIs.

I came across this link on here and its a good one:

DontWakeMeUp Mon 11-Feb-13 23:12:48

Well now he can't give me any definate plan as to when he is going to hand in his notice and come back. In fact he is being evasive about the whole thing really - turning it around saying i am putting pressure on and that nothing he does is good enough. Talking about he plans to be home before christmas. which leads me to question what I am doing. He says he needs to find work ( okay fair enough) and wants some money behind us ( an excuse ? ). It feels like if I put on pressure on he can't hack it. Is he recovering from dumping her? Is he a mess ? Should I give him time ? Am I being far too considerate , considering he showed me absolutely zero care? A, I just making excuses for him and pussy footing around him , mothering him ( like the MIL) and trying to keep him sweet so he doesn't have to face any consequences. What am I doing? Am I expecting too much or taking too much of the blame for my part in our marriage breakdown? All I really want is a ' I am sorry I didn't mean to cause you so much pain' is that really too much to ask? ' sorry I abandoned you when you really needed me'. I have said I don't want to pressure him and I want him to be happy ( doormat?!?). I suppose I am letting him get away with it because in the last 6 months I realise what he meant to me, I realise I didn't pay him any attention. He was the one who was always ' looking after me and being attentive ( not in Malaysia) and I didn't return it. Oh why aren't things straightforward?

lalalonglegs Mon 11-Feb-13 23:29:28

I'm so sorry that he is still being... well, a prick. I'm really hesitant to say that this latest post isn't great news because I can tell how much you want to get your marriage to get back on track but he has a hell of a lot of work to do and I'd start trying to prepare yourself for the possibility that his heart just isn't in it sad.

Perhaps if he could turn the clock back to before he had his affair - maybe quite a bit before, when you were child-free and could give him all your attention and love and focus - then he would but it sounds as if, although he may love his children and you, he doesn't really want to stop being the person that everyone else has to fuss over and indulge.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine how confused and frustrated you must feel.

Helltotheno Mon 11-Feb-13 23:30:14

Yes, doormat.. sorry OP sad
He's not committed, he's not interested; even if he does come back, there's nothing more certain than that he'll be gone again shortly... especially if you're prepared to just take him back no questions asked. He won't respect you OP and you're opening a door for him to treat you like dirt.

Save yourself a world of grief and dump him now.

Mimishimi Tue 12-Feb-13 00:54:44

I'm really sorry OP but he does not sound one bit sorry. I am very much sure he would really like his family all together ( and that would be his principle motivation) but I strongly feel that he would like OW on the side as well, if not her, a different one. Coming back at Christmas? That's nearly a whole year away. If he was really remorseful he'd think 'stuff the money' and come running back to you begging your forgiveness. Sounds like he's done none of these things. Please don't torture yourself with thoughts of not having paid enough attention, when faced with the likes of 'loveyoulongtime' any attention that you do pay to him would not be as flattering and ego stroking as that which he fell for ( unless you completely gave up your dignity). At this point personally I'd be telling him to f right off but at the very least don't allow him to let you take the blame for anything wrong in your marriage. If these were all issues, he could have brought them up with you and broke up with you like a civilized person, before embarking on his affair.

DontWakeMeUp Tue 12-Feb-13 06:16:50

Yes I am not thinking that we are back together at all. Until he returns home and starts to prove himself. He was evasive about finishing with her initially and he has done that . I will see. I will give him some limited time, as i did with him finishing with her , to start to face the fact that there is fallout and that he can't avoid it. If he can't face it and give me some concrete actions then he is no good to me.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 07:12:10

"i am putting pressure on and that nothing he does is good enough"

Tell him: No, I'm not sure after what you have done if I will ever see you as "good enough" again. I never chose to be in this situation; it's up to you to clean up the mess you made. If you find this to be too much stress and pressure, tell me now. I don't want to waste time, nor unsettle the DCs from the new life here if all you're going to do is whine, complain and procrastinate.

GirlsonFilm Tue 12-Feb-13 10:15:36

OP how can you be sure he's finished with loveyoulongtime, he may have simply moved her out of the house and be visiting whenever he pleases, and giving himself til Christmas to decide who to bestow his love on, long term. Even if he has finshed with her, he doesn't sound sorry at all.
Please don't waste time waiting for him to come home, use the time to build yourself a good life for you and your children and by the time (or rather if) he returns you may find you simply don't need him anymore.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 12-Feb-13 10:24:19

Don't be such a doormat. He is the one calling the shots when it should be YOU who is taking back control. His actions are still not those of a remorseful man.

Did you look at the link I posted earlier? It explains some of the steps HE needs to take in order to repair the damage and so far he is not doing anything except to continue living the life of a free single man.

I agree that you need to focus on yourself and rebuilding your life - friends, hobbies and also get some therapy.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 10:30:20

OP: there is a world of difference between someone who is contrite (who would be grappling with the realisation of the pain he has caused - which is difficult - and apologising, and working out how to fix it) and someone who is just treating you callously.

If he were the former, he would be saying something along the lines of: my priority is with you, and to make this work I need to do XYZ to finish up in Malaysia, and although I want to be with you and my family, it's probably going to take this long because of ABC. Unless of course you can see any way to shorten it. I know it will be hard for you to trust me whilst I'm away, but I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure my life is an open book to you and act in a trustworthy way even though I recognise you will find it hard to believe me.

He seems some distance from that. Now, you have built a new life, and must not let that be undermined or eroded by begging, pleading or becoming a doormat. Stay strong, continue to build the best possible life for you and DCs here (ie show him what he's missing).

DontWakeMeUp Wed 13-Feb-13 19:52:46

According to my husband he has said he is sorry many times! I think he just doesn't know how to communicate at all. He sent me a card with some of his feelings in it, which is a start.

Doha Wed 13-Feb-13 20:05:50

He is pulling you chain OP. If he was truely sorry and wanting his family back he would be moving heaven and earth to be back home with you and practically on his knees begging forgiveness.
He is doing neither of these. It is still all about what he wants isn't it.
How can you be 100% sure loveyoulongtime is out of the picture??? Can you believe a word he says. I certainly couldn't by what you have posted on here.
It continues to be all about him.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 20:09:43

I realise I didn't pay him any attention. He was the one who was always ' looking after me and being attentive ( not in Malaysia) and I didn't return it.

I have found out this is a very common dynamic in affairs (me too Don't). It isn't a blame thing, it is a 'the story behind the A' thing.

Read up on split self affairs. He loves you and he loves her. He can't chose. He is choosing you, but you are going to have to accept that he really did love her.

This is all about him (and his split, goody husband, passionate man)

Good luck Don't, it will take him some time to unwean himself from Loveyoulongtime.

frustratedworkingmum Wed 13-Feb-13 20:19:56

Christ, this man must have stamped your self esteem into the ground for you to feel the need to "fight" for him - fuck that, you and your children are worth more

frustratedworkingmum Wed 13-Feb-13 20:22:20

Im sorry i know the OP has every reason to feel animosity to the OW but i don't think the "loveyoulongtime" comments are called for.

Salbertina Wed 13-Feb-13 20:29:55

Why not? Op's got enough to worry about.. it's rather naive to think such women (deliberately targeting expat men for £/passport) don't exist, they do, in their thousands! So all in all such s nickname fairly harmless and perfectly understandable

frustratedworkingmum Wed 13-Feb-13 20:32:15

its probably the expat men that deserve the label then

Salbertina Wed 13-Feb-13 20:33:29

Yes, Maybe we should help OP come up with one! V cathartic..

frustratedworkingmum Wed 13-Feb-13 20:35:01

i could think of plenty smile selfishcuntwhatthinkswithhispricklongtime would be a start

ProphetOfDoom Wed 13-Feb-13 21:24:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi Thu 14-Feb-13 00:57:52

Schmaltzing Matilda's post is great. I too think he is just trying to play for time with regards to you starting legal action to divorce him (and the financial implications of that for him). Did you actually listen in on the conversation of him breaking up with Miss Philippines or did he just tell that he did?

Abitwobblynow Thu 14-Feb-13 05:53:53

You really cannot underestimate 'lust-crazed dementia'. Behaviour is determined by neurochemicals, and they are ADDICTED.

They will trash and throw away everything when in the grip of 'limerance'. When they come out of it and look at the wreckage of their lives, they find it hard to explain.

The expat thing is common, because also it is a reaction to loneliness, the excitement of 'new', and being away from the community where ordinary retraints fall away and the bond of affection and ties of obligation are not being reinforced.

This behaviour was explained to me by a Dr. for the high incidence of HIV in Africa (African behaviour statistically is no different from 'white man's' behaviour), which has a very high rate of migrant labour.

DontWakeMeUp Thu 14-Feb-13 06:59:24

It is funny as in 16 years of 'growing up' together and he was the one to give me some self esteem and confidence when I had virtually none. He was always the one encouraging etc.. and I have been very happy with him for the most of our time together. I still have some self respect - I know he has treated me despicably ( and i know he knows this he has to now face it in front of me) Yes how can I trust him? I should have just reacted to the whole situation and just told him to just F off, but i was in shock and i suppose a part of me still is. IF we were to seriously try again he knows exactly what he has to face from me. He knows I am not the type of person to try to brush it under the carpet. Some of my reactive behaviour has been doormat like but its funny but i do not feel like a doormat. I was trying to get him to realise what he was loosing. i know i was difficult to live with in malaysia (not a justification but partly a reason for his behaviour). i am so hurt and i know i need him to feel some of that hurt. i know IF we live together again that hurt will surface big time. I do not know if i could ever forgive this and i realise it could take years. He is making some plans about our future. He has asked me to believe in him and I should laugh And throw it back in his face ! But I can't help wanting to try - maybe that makes me seem like a real doormat victim. He is crap at communicating on an emotional level about how he feels which was the problem in the first place. I will see the real remorse, it is coming i know, if not there is no future for us and I will never be able to live with. I haven't forgotten that he not only abandoned me in my condition, he was abandoning his dd and unborn son for her. Surely that is unforgivable ?- but I suppose I always thought deep down that he would come to his senses and not be able to do it. Also i believed that he would realise what we had and could have again. Which he has.

Helltotheno Thu 14-Feb-13 10:24:19

Also i believed that he would realise what we had and could have again. Which he has.

Doubt it somehow. But everyone's different OP. Maybe I'm selfish but at this point, I want a smooth life with my DC and could seriously not be bothered taking on someone's midlife crisis twattery. Love schmove y'know? That word is way overrated. If it isn't in the actions, it isn't there at all. Deep down, what's more than likely preventing you showing him the door is the fear of being on your own. There really is nothing to fear. You'd do fine.

Anyway you've already made your decision. The only advice I'd have for you is to only move forward, however you choose to do that. Don't whatever you do, waste any more of your life on this pointless static cycle of listening to his 'promises', believing them, taking him back, tolerating his next affairs, taking him back, blah blah, rinse and repeat... Life's too short OP.

Be very very careful OP.

His actions aren't screaming to me that he loves you to death, will drop everything and come to support you and wants to be with you. Already he's stalling. You are putting too much pressure on him? (WTF?) He should be jumping with joy that you have given him a second chance so quickly. He should be moving heaven and earth to reunite his family.

I would back off a bit and concentrate on building a good life for yourself now with your children and get your independence and strength back. I understand you want him back but he isn't the man you married any more. He threw you to one side after 16 years for a prostitute.

I don't mean to be horrible. I just think it's too soon and you really need to take things slowly.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 14-Feb-13 19:12:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 00:45:51

Thank you all for your comments. I am still thinking about just telling him to F off. I need someone who is there to support me and my children and not F up their lives. I am so confused as to what to think and feel. I am still sleep deprived and have been through hell but I know actions speak louder than words. The only actions he has shown are that of a completely selfish twunt. Do I really need someone like that, whom I couldn't trust when the going gets tough to not just run away?
You are right he should be bending over backwards at this point.

Abitwobblynow Fri 15-Feb-13 05:34:31

In his mind he is making a huge sacrifice: and that he has made a choice, and that he has chosen you.

That is what my H told me. And was very offended when I wasn't thrilled at hearing that


deXavia Fri 15-Feb-13 06:11:37

Up front I'll say pardon me for being harsh but I live in Asia and have seen similar far too many times ...

You went to the UK for 6 weeks mid pregnancy, it took him less than 3 of those to have an affair start shagging now he wants you to believe he will go back to Malaysia leaving you with the kids in the UK until Christmas and nothing is going to happen with her or any one else? Oh and he made this decision after you spoke to him about divorce and the financial implications of it - ie he realised how much this was going to cost him, and I mean that in terms of $$$ not emotionally.

If he really wanted this to work he would be making immediate plans to move back to the UK or another country with you, or for you to go back there (as much as I can understand you might not want to). But basically plans for the two of you to be together to work this out, to rebuild trust and love. Instead he is proposing you spend the next 10 months on opposite sides of the world - him away from his kids and you, but with the girlfriend, and you on your own as effectively a single parent. If I was being very cynical I'd say it was so he could work out how to reduce the financial implication of a divorce but I actually think he is just a dick not a malicious dick.

Please OP for your own sanity walk away from this. And if you genuinely can't get your head round that in the short term move close to family, start building a single life here - if he comes back then great he can fit into your new life and benefit from a happier, more settled you. If he doesn't you are already on the path to a new life.

Abitwobblynow Fri 15-Feb-13 16:32:16

What deXavia says.

Doha Fri 15-Feb-13 16:38:35

Well said deXavia

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-Feb-13 17:17:08

Hi DontWakeMeUp have only just caught up with the latest.

You have had yet another bombshell! I can well believe you are churning with a mix of emotions but not turning cartwheels for joy just yet.

I expect your PILs will be only too glad to dismiss this as a hiccup and expect you to welcome him back with open arms. Your family too might urge you to weigh up prospects, maybe suggest "put the children first" and not be selfish.

The past 6 months have been a nightmare for you. I always see your nn and think yep OP must wish this were all a dream... In truth I think you were horribly awakened when you first realised your DH was having his affair. Now H has

Attention does get divided by work or children. How is this going to be magically remedied to his satisfaction in years to come? Where do your needs fit in? If H already feels disgruntled at you 'pressuring' him or showing any scars from this experience, I really doubt he is paying more than lip service to the two of you sorting out this relationship. It suits him to go back in time. He knows you love him. You have missed him and now he wants you again. Why shouldn't he - you are the same loyal hearted woman, sadder, stronger, now making fewer demands, win win! I hope he is genuine.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-Feb-13 17:18:25

Sorry that s/b, Now H has returned.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:01:40

Thanks again for your comments. I do feel an emotional mess. I have nothing left to give anymore I have given it all and more to this man and does he deserve it. ? With regards the money he has said he will give me his income ( so I know he is not spending it) so i do not think it is all about ££££ to him. So I suppose in this sense it is win/win as is income out there is high and I can then always use it to divorce him! I am now in the process of 'do something or F off'. If he is STILL MESSING ABOUT because he is unsure/ still loves her/ whatever he can just get lost. I have poured my heart out to him over the last 6 months - reminding him of all our past together and all he has done is treat me like a piece of rubbish. If he is hurt as he misses her, if he is finding he is regretting stuff, whatever, he should be suffering! -he has to face some consequences ! He ' misses me more than he can say or write'. He sent me roses and champagne for valentines. Is he genuine? Has her stuff gone- it will be this weekend. He said he loved her. Time will tell. HE HAS TO PROVE HIMSELF BY ACTIONS. Ultimately, even if he wants me and his family over all , he never should have gotten in this situation in the first place, he shouldn't have run away from the problems in our relationship to someone who offered it on a plate. He should have F'in TALKED TO ME. But I know he is an emotional retard and I know I am difficult to talk to ( self admission not other influence). So again whatever anyone thinks ITS NOT JUST NOT THAT STRAIGHTFORWARD.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:10:51

He has applied for 3 jobs in other countries - I think he thinks we will go with him? He also has said he can't apply for jobs ( in the uk in our area ) when there are none.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:13:15

Oh and apparently she reminded him of me years ago!

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:15:07

Probably before kids and responsibilities! (But this is the real world step up to the mark please)

AnyFucker Fri 15-Feb-13 23:17:18

You have considered giving this pondlife another chance ?

Are you completely crazy ?

Mimishimi Fri 15-Feb-13 23:20:32

Any, that's not very helpful...

AnyFucker Fri 15-Feb-13 23:21:34

Yes. It is.

Cerealqueen Fri 15-Feb-13 23:26:00

Op, what a lot you have been through.
This man should be begging your forgiveness, not telling you how his Ow is upset that it is over. Anybody can send champagne and roses. They are meaningless.
She reminded him of you? What is this, some kind of Kate Bush Babooshka storyline??!
Start making a life for yourself without him in it and detach from him.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:32:34

According to the ILs ( who came to stay in Malaysia ) I was 'hard' to live with ( not said to my face) I was forceful and he was always ' angry'. I don't think they have any idea how difficult I found it to adjust, how homesick and unsupported I felt. Its one thing coming for a holiday but another entirely having to live in a completely different culture, with different expectations. I have discussed recently with him about how I was trying to control my environment to fit in with what I knew. How the completely different culture impacted on me. A relationship breakdown that leads to twuntish behaviour from a man who is seeking solace in an attentive female? From a man who has no idea how to understand a female struggling emotionally when he is incapable of understanding why I didn't just enjoy it and that I was throwing it all back in his face. Miscommunication big time. Again is it straightforward? Or am I just making excuses ?

Cerealqueen Fri 15-Feb-13 23:39:49

This man hasn't even taken any responsibility for his actions has he?
Nice of the ILs to tell you this stuff and be supportive. confused.

How come he hasn't said this stuff to you? Anyway, it does not change the fact that rather then talk through his alleged issues, he shagged somebody else behing his pregnant wife's back, and dumped his family to have her in his life.

Cerealqueen Fri 15-Feb-13 23:40:32

Stop making excuses for him.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:40:41

AnyFucker you are probably right. Why am I even giving him the opportunity?

AnyFucker Fri 15-Feb-13 23:42:34

I have absolutely no idea sad

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:42:57

Cerealqueen yes enough excuses. HE SHOULD BE BEGGING FORGIVENESS NOW!

Cerealqueen Fri 15-Feb-13 23:43:40

I think he thinks there is no way you well tell him to get lost, so he continues to string you along hedging his bets. Time to call him on it and say enough is enough. Hand on heart, is he doing enough to win you back?? Seems like he thinks it is his decision and its not, it is yours.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 15-Feb-13 23:43:59

I have given too much and taken too much. I am not taking anymore.

AnyFucker Fri 15-Feb-13 23:53:13

That's more like it.

As long as you are not simply trying to convince us of that.

Cerealqueen Fri 15-Feb-13 23:58:02

My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant

This in itself is enough, how would you even move on from it.

Helltotheno Sat 16-Feb-13 01:16:39

Again is it straightforward?
Yes: He's a twunt....

Or am I just making excuses?
Yes. Run like the wind.....

Mimishimi Sat 16-Feb-13 02:15:19

Wow, so even his parents are blaming you for how he behaved in Malaysia? Did they tell you this recently whilst he was back or before then? anyfucker, I meant that asking OP if she is crazy is not helpful. Of course I, and probably many others think that she'd be crazy to take him back in the circumstances she's given us ( with no evidence of serious contrition on his part) but it's something she needs to work through herself too...

ProphetOfDoom Sat 16-Feb-13 12:21:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 16-Feb-13 13:20:57

Yes my family are supportive of me. They just don't live near.
He is now talking of a job in the uk. Of coming home soon to spend some time together if i'll let him. He says he didn't leave me for someone he didn't care about - I just said he had know her for all of 3 weeks when he chucked me pregnant! He was hardly madly in love with her then! He shouldn't have gone looking int the first place. I know what he is capable of - throwing me away ( and not just me). When I look at it knowing what he has done you are right how would I ever get over that?

ZolaBuddleia Sat 16-Feb-13 13:41:30

Another one joining the thread to bolster you up OP, you've been treated despicably by this fool of a man who didn't realise a great thing when he had it. Remain strong and prioritise yourself and your children's long term happiness over everything else.

A friend of mine's husband was unfaithful and in the aftermath his parents totally supported him and sidelined her in the way your in-laws are doing. Do you need that on top of everything else? Stay strong and prioritise people who treat you properly, would you tolerate this from a friend?

You're doing fantastically well to even function with everything that's happened and sleep deprivation, keep going.

Doha Sat 16-Feb-13 15:17:40

DontWakeMeUp you will never get over it, you may in time learn to live with what he did but you will never forgive and forget. He dumped you when you were most vulnerable-not just you but his DD and unborn DS. Totally unforgivable regardless of excuse or reason.
I really don't know how you could begin to move on from all that he has done and really reading of his lack of remorse frankly l would be telling him to keep the fuck away from me.
You and your DC's deserve better

ShoutyHead Sat 16-Feb-13 15:23:53

I lived in Malaysia and can sympathise with how you felt. I'm pretty sure I was horrible to live with at times as I sometimes felt massively homesick and lonely. My DH did not respond by having an affair, he supported me and we moved home together. We did have fantastic times out there but also some very difficult moments. I never once had to worry about my relationship.

Your ex and your ILs are being very unfair and his affair is not your fault.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 16-Feb-13 16:39:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helltotheno Sat 16-Feb-13 18:03:17

Sorry but does nobody else think this is choice: He says he didn't leave me for someone he didn't care about

Wtf is up with that? You're supposed to be happy he dumped you for someone he cared about rather than a disposable shag?? Why are you even entertaining this as an acceptable line of discussion that can lead to anything good?

Is it that you actually want to be treated worse than you already have been??

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 18:07:36

Hell I think your example there is one of several dozen reasons why OP should never, ever get back with this man

And should close her eyes and her heart to every single word he says in the future

Helltotheno Sat 16-Feb-13 18:13:24

You got that right! I suppose OP has to come to her own realisation of it at her own pace. But OP nothing, absolutely nothing, this man has said to you indicates that you and your children are his number 1, or even will be in the future... sorry sad I hope you realise that soon.....

ProphetOfDoom Sat 16-Feb-13 18:20:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 16-Feb-13 19:12:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontWakeMeUp Tue 19-Feb-13 02:48:25

Helltotheno I wasn't entertaining that this is an acceptable line of discussion - that he dumped me for someone he cared about. He was saying this. I pointed out to him that it wasn't an acceptable line of discussion as he had only known her for 3 weeks when he chucked me in the bin. You can't seriously love someone in 3 weeks so that makes it a completely UNACCEPTABLE excuse.

Helltotheno Tue 19-Feb-13 08:28:48

Glad to hear it. So youll have dumped him unceremoniously then?

ProphetOfDoom Tue 19-Feb-13 13:50:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McBuckers Fri 22-Feb-13 01:03:04

Hi dontwakemeup how are you? X

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now