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anyone ever felt like this ?

(48 Posts)
kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 18:24:33

is it possible to really love your dh but also hate him when both emotions are strong ? how do i kniow which is real ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 18:36:14

What's that old Chrissie Hynde song... 'there's a thin line between love and hate'?

You're allowed to feel different ways about the same person. Rather depends on what they're doing or saying at the time. It's all 'real'. If you're actually asking which should take priority then that's a judgement call depending on the severity of the hatred and the reason behind it.

Why do you hate your DH? What did he do?

AgathaF Thu 10-Jan-13 18:39:19

I don't think you should need to question that if you love him.

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 18:41:43

far too long to write and i cant beleive (after yrs of lurking) ive actually posted !
he says its all me but from what ive read over the years he emotionally, verbally and at times physically abusive.
i have days where i feel like im loosing my mind.
weve been married 15 years and i love him so much. i guess im starting to give up hope now thatll he'll ever love me or change.

joblot Thu 10-Jan-13 18:47:59

Kelly that's so sad. He doesn't deserve your love if he has abused you. Totally unacceptable. What are you planning to do?

joblot Thu 10-Jan-13 18:49:35

Well done for posting btw. Its like murder- the first one's the hardest

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 18:53:05

Ah... then you should look up Stockholm Syndrome (sorry for Wiki link). The relationship of abuser and victim can mirror that of captor and hostage. Survival instinct can mean that you, the hostage, become unnaturally close to him, the captor, in an effort to curry favour and prevent yourself coming to harm.

These (positive) feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness

Does that ring any bells?

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 18:54:26

sit it out another 15 probably.
i feel i can cope ok in this marriage if i can undetstand his behaviour and see its not always me.
if we didnt have dc id have gone years ago. but we do.
i suppose i was posting because at times i dont understand my feeling towatds him. ive never been in another relationship, as i met him when i was young so dont know what the norm is !

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 18:55:07

joblot , thank you smile

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 18:56:48

cog, makes me sad reading that but thank you. suppose the truth is hard to here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 18:58:25

When you're the victim of abuse, it's never your fault. Abusive men don't need a reason to be abusive. They simply are abusive. In a good relationship people can have differences of opinion, voices can get raised, they can even get on each others' nerves.... but they will never resort to violence, threats, aggression. In a good relationship there will be a lot of positive encouragement, support, freedom, trust and kindness .. not pettiness nit-picking, belittling of ambition, jealousy or restriction.

When you're the victim of abuse, it's never your fault.

AgathaF Thu 10-Jan-13 19:57:12

What has made you finally post. Are you reaching a turning point?

How old are your children?

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 21:51:07

ive got a question, if thats ok. some of the points you made about a positive relationship confuse me. for example, several years ago my husband really encourage me to do s college course (one night a week). he was positive, kind etc. but then once id started it he completely sabotaged it ! id understand if id gone without his permission but it was his idea !

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 21:53:36

agatha, not so much turning point just that its all getting to me at the moment.
i have seven very young children and no family.
my husband spends most of his weekdays at work and im at home all day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 22:53:36

It could be that the college course incident was a case of 'setting you up to fail'. Giving you false hopes and then snatching it away. Either that or he was genuine in his encouragement originally but changed his mind if you were enjoying yourself, meeting other people or something else that made him jealous.

Emotional abusers (or bullies in general) enjoy crushing someone's spirit. It's how they maintain a feeling of superiority.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 22:55:23

If you have no family, do you have friends you can talk to IRL about this?

StuntNun Thu 10-Jan-13 23:04:51

OP you might like to read this book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engels. It will help you to understand the source of your DH's abusive behaviour, and gives tips on how to deal with abusive behaviour. I read it and now I see that my DH was blindly following the patterns laid down by his parents as well as trying to compensate for their deficiencies.

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:05:46

just wish i knew what went on in his head !
i dont have any close friends. i know loads of people to say hello to but thats about it.
thanks for your advice, it helps gettimg someone elses perspective.

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:09:52

funny you mention youre dh parents.ive often thought thats the route of my dh problems.
unfortunately, cant get book as im not allow a debit card sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:14:58

Do you have transport? Can you check up community activities in your local area and maybe join in something sociable... make some new friends? Another common feature of abusive relationships is that the victim gets isolated. Methods include restricting movements, scaring off friends, checking where you are all the time, making a social life difficult, depriving access to car/money/driving licence.. ...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:18:15

Not allowed a debit card? If he controls your access to money in order to severely restrict what you can do then you can add 'financial abuse' to the rest.

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:23:15

id never really thought much about the financial part. tbh i dont want access to money incase i get blamed for misusing it.
i am aware hes cut me off. years ago i had a good job, money loads of friends etc.
i do have a car for school run i live in a part of the country im not from but know it fairly well now though.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 10-Jan-13 23:34:04

Yet you think you can ride this out for another 15 years as long as you can understand it? What's going to be left of your soul in 15 years?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:37:19

You're going to need that money because I think you're allowing yourself to contemplate life without this bully. With seven children, even if you just had the Child Benefit paid into your own account you'd have quite a balance in a short space of time. I'm assuming you're in the UK?

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:40:57

i have days where i really dont feel like i can but on the whole, yeah i hope so. dont have a great deal of choice.
hes hardly around in the week due to work which makes it a lot easier.
i feel im not the person i should be if that makes sense. and i wonder what life would be like with someone else but i love my kids so much that it makes life seem good.

BertieBotts Thu 10-Jan-13 23:41:23

That's okay, keep posting here instead. The wonderful, strong, amazing women of mumsnet are here for you.

You say you would have left years ago if it wasn't for the children. Is that because of practical reasons, because you worry how you would cope with or provide for the children alone? Or is it that you don't want to break up the family? You know you have a right to be happy yourself? Don't underestimate how important that is, especially for the children.

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:43:27

i did have child benefit til this week when mr cameron deceided to take it away !
it was my lifesaver. used it for kids shoes,clothes etc now going to have to ask dh to take me and kids to shops.

BertieBotts Thu 10-Jan-13 23:44:44

He sounds like he controls every aspect of your life sad Talking of which, are you safe posting here? Do you know how to delete history or use private/incognito browsing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:46:06

The CB is still being paid unless you specifically opted out.... did you do that or did your husband?

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:47:19

bertie, thank you. its all those reasons i think. this is all i know and if i won the lottery me and the kids would be gone. but i havent...the kids love their dad and so do i in many ways.
ive read posts on here and realize that in many ways im very lucky.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:51:25

"i wonder what life would be like with someone else"

Many women live fabulous independent lives. You don't have to be with this man or any other man to find out what life would be like. If you don't feel like the person you should be (and that makes a lot of sense) it's probably because your confidence is low, you feel trapped and you are unrecognisable from the woman who had a good job, money, friends etc. You could be that person again quite easily

kellygreen Thu 10-Jan-13 23:52:57

our account did. said it would save problems next year. dont really understand just know im not getting it anymore sad
i am deleting. but he doest check my phone. he is controlling. in so many ways. spent the whole eveninv since posting going over my marriage, god what an idiot ive been. should have run a mile years ago ! i always find myself making excuses for him. he never feels bad for the things hes done, cause they are never his fault. i think i truly beleives that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 23:54:13

BTW... most kids love their dad. But one day they'll be off, grown, making lives of their own and you'll be sat in an empty house with just him and the restricted life he's allowing you to have. Don't know how old you are... early thirties?... but that could mean another fifty years. Worth thinking about.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 00:00:22

You aren't an idiot, Kelly. So many of us on here understand and have been there. All kinds of people can become victims of abuse, it's nothing to do with intelligence, or softness, or uselessness or any other negative thing. It is not your fault. We become conditioned to make excuses and believe it's our fault because abusers always find someone else to blame. It is hard, and confusing, and 15 years is a long time, but Cogito is right, you still have that person inside. It's just a case of finding someone who will be kind enough to let her out, and the likelihood is, that person is you.

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 06:55:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF Fri 11-Jan-13 07:24:56

kelly it's worth thinking about the example of parenting and adult/couple relationships he is setting to your children. You said earlier that you have thought before that your DHs parents may be the route of his behaviour now. Can you see that this will in all probability play out in the next generation. Your children will grow up thinking your situation is normal. I assume you have girls and boys. Would you want your daughters to be living like you are when they are adults? Would you want your sons treating their wives like he treats you?

I don't say that to make you feel bad - I understand your are so ground down with it all that you probably can't see the wood for the trees at this point. But just to consider that it would probably be better for your children to grow up free from the negative influence of his control in their day to day lives. As they grow older, he will want to control them in the same ways that he controls you. He will, and probably is already with his restrictions on you, stifle their childhood and teenage years.

There is help out there to achieve freedom for yourself and for them. Lots of kind and experienced MNers would help, you would probably discover that your old friends would make contact again if you got in touch, and neighbours and people locally (who may already have an idea of some of what is happening but feel they can't interefere) would probably help if you reached out to them.

Women's Aid are there to help people in exactly your situation. GP's, health visitors etc will all be able to support you and put you in touch with organisations who can offer further support, whether with housing, benefits, home support etc.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 10:59:27

Leclerc what a lovely thing that someone did that for you! That's amazing that you want to pay it forward. kelly please take Leclerc up on her kind offer.

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 11:05:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 11:33:20

Definitely. I've passed mine on to a friend now who is suffering in an awful relationship sad It is an incredible book.

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 11:38:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 11:39:04

They're pretty cheap on amazon IIRC smile I'd match your offer but I'm skint at the moment!

kellygreen Fri 11-Jan-13 21:26:25

oh ladies, i cannot beleive the kindness from complete strangers.
leclerc, you made me cry but also i feel so happy to know there is someone out there that cares and understands. i would love the book but the more i think of it i dont know how i would even hide it. i have very few things in the house and no space thats my own. my dh has my email and fb coming through to his mobile so the really is no privacy. i can do this as he doesnt know about mumsnet.
im not being defeatest but i really cant leave. regardless of the number of dc i have one of my daughters is seriously ill and theres just no way.
its amazing, for years i thought dh was one of a kind but it seems not.
you all inspire me though and my crappy evening feels so much better now. heard once that the worst lonliness, is lonliness is marriage.very true !

SkaffenAmtiskaw Fri 11-Jan-13 21:40:08

kelly, far from being one of a kind, you'll find that your H is following the same script as all abusive men. That's one of the things that the Bancroft book explains very well.

I wish I could help you, I can't believe how badly your H is treating you. Whereabouts in the country are you?

TisILeclerc Fri 11-Jan-13 21:40:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Jan-13 22:50:14

Sorry to hear about your DD sad I know what you mean about the loneliness of a lonely marriage - I wasn't even married to XP but it is so isolating.

Well in any case, you're not alone now.

springyhope Sat 12-Jan-13 01:54:00

I don't quite understand how you couldn't leave, as you're doing all the childcare on your own anyway - he's at work all the time.

What you describe sounds so frightening - you are completely controlled by him sad . You use words like 'allowed' and 'permission' sad sad . Please try to get along to the Freedom Programme . I've linked you to the page where you can search for a course near you. A lot of courses offer childcare - or just contact the course leaders who will find ways to support you.

Please keep posting. Many of us have been in your position and have got out, even though we couldn't possibly believe we could.

AgathaF Sat 12-Jan-13 17:42:47

kelly - are you near to a library? Could you use the computer facilities there to set up a confidential email address and just access it from there - as Leclerc said, a hotmail one, so that he doesn't know anything about it? Also, they may have some relevant books that you could read in the library and may be able to get the Bancroft book in for you - again you could read it in the library, rather than taking it home with you.

Please consider contacting WA for some advice and support. They won't put pressure on you to leave, but they are very experienced with supporting women in your situation.

kellygreen Sun 13-Jan-13 20:01:41

sorry i disapeared ! when dh is around i dont get chance to go on here. he never sits still which means i cant either !
thank you for all your advice. i phoned womans aid and they were very kind but said pretty much what i thought. given the number of dc and dd health i should stay put and get him out. there is no way he'd go !
i am determined to get that book though and shall be visiting the library in the morning.
i dont underestimate what this is doing to the dc but lifes complicated and im not making excuses but he wont leave, ive asked ! sad

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