Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think i know what i have to do

(34 Posts)
muffins Wed 09-Jan-13 18:40:54

Feel a bit pathetic really as posted on here about a year ago asking for advice about DP who has a history of sexting etc blah blah blah. Not sure if he has met up with anyone in person but a couple of months back I found out he'd been on msn chatting to some woman in a village near us....

So things had been ok ish (I'd forgiven him for like 10th time, literally, his last chance etc) And today I found he's been messaging some woman he knows who lives in Cyprus about a visit back to UK she has planned soon. She said she'd let him know exact dates and he said ' I can't wait to be f**king you long and hard'. 'I bet you can't ;-)' was her reply. I need to kick him out don't I? I think I just need to hear someone else say it (again).

The only reason I haven't is I didn't think I could manage financially but the plum lost his job so that's irrelevant now. Have done my sums and think I should get tax credits for nursery costs.

Wish I could link previous threads to give a bit more of the story, will try in a min.

I really don't know how to start the conversation....i told him I'd seen these messages and he has yet to even say anything about it, not even his usual pathetic apology!

muffins Wed 09-Jan-13 18:44:09

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1351917-Really-need-some-advice-too-scared-to-finish-relationship-but-head-telling-me-I-have-to

not a proper link but might work with copy and paste to address bar?! Don't know why I am so technically challenged these days

Xales Wed 09-Jan-13 18:55:05

Well you have two choices as far as I can see.

You get rid, get your self esteem back and move on to a happier life without this man and if you have any more relationships then you don't give them 10 chances to hurt you.

Or

You stay with him, accept that no matter how many chances you give him, he will rip your heart out of your chest over and over again, until one day he actually meets someone and decides he wants to be with them rather than you because you have become a hollow shell with all your self esteem gone and dumps you.

yes you need to kick him out

sad

muffins Wed 09-Jan-13 19:03:33

what shall i say? I was kind of thinking maybe he would bring the subject up, at which point I could say that I wanted him to move out in the morning.
We are currently sitting at opposite ends of dining table in silence, me on here and him job hunting supposedly. I'm scared, I know I have to do it but still scared.

you need to take the lead - be strong.

if he knows you saw the messages calmly tell him that his last chance has been blown and you expect him gone by the weekend. End of story. (and no, you don't care where he goes - his problem)

Much easier said than done i know - but you have to stop being a doormat and put yourself first. He is taking the piss out of you - you have to stop it because why would he when he keeps getting away with murder?

<stern hug>

Distrustinggirlnow Wed 09-Jan-13 19:12:14

Yes muffins, I'm afraid you need to be rid of this person who has no respect for you.
He carries on doing it because he can, because he has got away with it before so thinks that he can get away with it again... He doesn't realise that his behaviour has a consequence.
He's already checked out mentally so u just need to check out physically!
I don't know anything about tax credits I'm afraid but I'm sure someone will be along soon who does....
What I do know is that you deserve better. Say to him that you feel you're cramping his style as all he wants to do is fuck other women long and hard and obviously you're getting in the way, so you're out of here!
Plenty of women can try and come to terms with an affair or EA but I think that you have tried hard enough.
Xxx

greeneyed Wed 09-Jan-13 19:12:59

Do it now, take a deep breath, Just look up from your laptop calmly and say - I want you to leave - this is the end of the road for us. There it's said.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 19:14:56

"what shall I say?"

Your girlfriend from Cyprus was on earlier. Can't wait to see you, apparently. hmm You're a miserable bastard and I've had enough of you. Get your stuff and go.

In your own words...

muffins Wed 09-Jan-13 19:24:02

ok so i just said 'I think you should move out'.......he said 'why?' !!!!!!
I said 'you know why'. He then said 'when'. I said 'tomorrow, i'll drop you at your mums if you want'. He said 'ok, i'll go and pack some stuff'. No apology, nothing, no argument, zilch. He's probably thinking he can strop off tonight but both the cars are mine so he's not taking either of them. Feel shaky :-S

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 19:26:31

No apology, no argument because.... no leg to stand on.

I wouldn't wait until tomorrow or drop him anywhere if I were you. Far too inconvenient. As soon as he packs, call him a cab...

Well done

Doha Wed 09-Jan-13 19:32:50

Hide all the car keys??

Well done- if it is your house make sure you get your keys back

muffins Wed 09-Jan-13 19:36:16

Rented. Got the car keys. Think I know where both sets of house keys are.

He is actually acting like I'm the one being unreasonable, I'm almost starting to think I am. I hate how I've become because of how he's treated me

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 19:38:14

That's par for the course. Devious little turds always try to make out the bad smell is coming from your direction.....

Is the cab on its way? You don't want another night of this crap do you?

You aren't but he he bound to try and make you feel that. Deep breath, keep saying to yourself i am doing the right thing. You will look back and be so pleased you did this. Get him out tonight and don't drive him get him a cab or a lift, then wine you deserve it

aziraphale Wed 09-Jan-13 19:41:22

You aren't unreasonable and you Are Right. I'm in exactly the same boat having told my OH to leave at end of January. He will try all sorts of things to make it seem as if you are wrong. He may be affectionate, angry, even sarcastic, putting you down- this is a resistance test.

Be strong. You have made the first step in the right direction. Don't go back. I wish I could give you a hug right now and say how strong you've been.

well done muffins.

'he is a twat' - repeat to yourself as necessary...

Xales Wed 09-Jan-13 19:46:35

Well done that must have been so hard.

Once he realises you are serious, if he says he is sorry, cries, sobs, begs for another chance please don't give him another.

10 is enough. He is never going to change.

financialwizard Wed 09-Jan-13 19:50:17

Massive (hugs) it is incredibly hard but stand firm and get him out. You will soon feel much better for it.

muffins Wed 09-Jan-13 19:53:58

aziraphale so you've given your OH til end of month to move out? I'd end up caving in that amount of time I reckon!

suburbophobe Wed 09-Jan-13 20:59:21

He is actually acting like I'm the one being unreasonable, I'm almost starting to think I am.

He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

Life will start to get so much better as soon as you have dumped him this shit!

If you find yourself doubting, remember what he wrote to another woman:

he said ' I can't wait to be f**king you long and hard'.

Sorry to be cruel, but reality is always the best way to get ahead....

ImperialBlether Wed 09-Jan-13 21:04:14
aziraphale Wed 09-Jan-13 22:10:16

Muffins- his kid needs somewhere to come for access. They re currently boggling in front of the TV having devoured kebab shop kebabs for dinner and leaving downstairs in a shit tip for me to clear up again. Oh and his son is four. Years. Old. Ex oh forgot to come to my 32 week scan today.

I don't have a problem with caving in smile and in honour of your have actions tonight, we'll shave another couple of weeks off the grace time he's got and ill tell him tomorrow.

Stay strong. Definitely endorsing the wine idea, you've earned it!

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Wed 09-Jan-13 22:16:01

Well done muffins!!! wine

maras2 Wed 09-Jan-13 22:16:12

Glad you've binned him Muffins.Did he lose his job for being a sex pest by any chance?Best wishes for the future without this sexually incontinent dirty pig.

duke Wed 09-Jan-13 23:38:09

Keep strong, you know you are doing the right thing. You could be in the sane position in 10 years time thinking I wish I left him years ago.

muffins Thu 10-Jan-13 03:37:36

azira yes tell him tomorrow, sad to hear he didn't bother coming to your scan sad

Well I did have issues with him texting/maybe more, women from work (see previous thread) but I think he actually lost his job through general incompetence (not really qualified/experienced for it). I think, well, I know he lied to me about the exact circumstances.

He is still here tonight, taking him to his mums in morning, mainly as she has DD currently 2 days a week so I need to speak to her to see if this can continue for near future before he has a chance to feed her a load of crap. It's going to mean dropping DD off and picking up around work adding a couple of hours but can have an extra day at nursery from mid April so just need to see it as a short term ball ache. Going to try and drop a day at work as well, currently on two weeks annual leave and had been starting to get chest pains before break, I think stress related to working 5/6 days a week trying to make up money as only my salary. I think a 4 day week will be my limit if doing everything else on my own as well.

So much to sort out!

AlienananaReflux Thu 10-Jan-13 04:18:00

Yes, there's a lot to sort, but you will be sorting out a stable future for You and your dc. You've done brilliantly, keep strong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 08:04:08

If you split from him, you're probably going to have to drop granny from the picture. MILs - even the nice ones - will invariably side with their DSs however badly behaved they have been.

delilahlilah Thu 10-Jan-13 09:40:09

Well done OP, life becomes less stressful with one less idiot in it. Just wanted to say that dropping a day sounds sensible as long as your boss will let you. Also,hopefully you will be surprised how little an impact it will have on your wage as it will reduce your tax and NI contribution and a day less travel costs etc. If you're concerned about your budget etc, there are some very helpful boards on the Money Saving Expert site.

delilahlilah Thu 10-Jan-13 09:40:59

ps if he's not working, why can't he have your DD for the 2 days a week if MIL says no?

RudolphiaRedNose Thu 10-Jan-13 09:49:22

I don't think that's always true cogito - I have seen some situations on MN where the MIL is very sympathetic and carries on the relationship with her GDC. Fingers crossed OP. Don't change your mind!

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Thu 10-Jan-13 10:31:17

I agree Rudolph, my MIL is fantastic and very understanding. We talk on the phone and she's always saying that she'll do anything to help me as well as ds. You just don't know until it happens muffins. You have made the right decision!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now