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Feeling shaken over DH's overreaction to my stupid behaviour

(257 Posts)
WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 18:29:37

Toddler and I were sat on the floor playing. I was feeling a bit ignored by DH, who was sitting at the computer while we played, so I jokingly chucked the wet nappy I'd just changed at him (it was balled up). My aim is shit so I accidentally caught his glasses and knocked them off (was aiming for his chest).

I fully expected him to be pissed off by my frankly stupid behaviour, but he totally overreacted. He shouted something incoherent and threw the nappy really hard at the floor, where it burst and covered DS and I in those little gel balls it's filled with. DS was upset by the mess as he got some in his hair and it was all over me.

I feel sick and a bit shaky but also stupid because I should never have thrown the nappy at him in the first place. Things have been quite tense recently as we are both feeling stressed so it shouldn't have been a surprise that he wouldn't have found it funny, even if it hadn't knocked his glasses off. But still, he was disproportionately angry and I hate that DS saw that. I'm also 7.5 months pregnant sad.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 09-Jan-13 18:31:25

I would be mad if you threw a pissy nappy at me. What were you thinking?

BLOO3Z Wed 09-Jan-13 18:32:23

He needs to find his sense of humour!

Bigwuss Wed 09-Jan-13 18:32:31

You should apologise, as should he.

Have you tried talking through your issues as it all sounds very passive aggressive.

dequoisagitil Wed 09-Jan-13 18:33:20

What happened afterwards? Did he clear up, did he apologise?

SolomanDaisy Wed 09-Jan-13 18:33:44

Wtf? You threw a dirty nappy at him? How old are you?

LaCiccolina Wed 09-Jan-13 18:34:21

Both apologise. Both idiots. Both mistakes.

Hug it out.

perceptionreality Wed 09-Jan-13 18:34:35

I think sometimes, we all misjudge a situation and do something intended as a joke which actually was a very bad idea in retrospect!

You did something unwise, he lost his temper. I would try to fix it and make up and move on.

OnlyWantsOne Wed 09-Jan-13 18:34:49

I think you both behaving stupidly & you need to sort it out. Why would it be acceptable to throw any thing at any one in your home? Would type be happy if your son starting throwin things at people when he is older?

You threw a nappy at him hard enough that it knocked his glasses off, and you're annoyed that he threw it on the floor? confused

I know you said that it was an accident that you hit him in the face instead of th chest, but it was a really bad idea overall.

strumpetpumpkin Wed 09-Jan-13 18:36:31

i dont think he overreacted. He threw it on the floor. Id have been really upset if someone had thrown a dirty nappy at my face and it knocked my glasses off. Really upset, especially if things were already tense and stressy. Bad call. Apologise. You both need to sort out the tension

Onezerozero Wed 09-Jan-13 18:36:50

If you threw a wet happy at him and hit him in his face, you can't really say he overreacted to throw it onto the floor and shout really.

fluffyraggies Wed 09-Jan-13 18:39:05

You say your sad that DS saw his dad angry. What about him seeing his mum chucking stuff at his dad's face!!??

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 18:39:31

If everything else is generally ok then honestly just go and say sorry and hug him - he will surely do the same back?

I'd be pissed off and shout at you if I was him but would calm down after a few mins and see it for what it was - a stupid one off and no big deal.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 18:41:09

Yes it was very stupid. Things are not ok.

BelleoftheFall Wed 09-Jan-13 18:42:44

I think his reaction was pretty understandable to be honest.

fluffyraggies Wed 09-Jan-13 18:42:53

Tell us about it here wonky. There's obviously more to this ..

Catsdontcare Wed 09-Jan-13 18:43:55

I don't think it was a complete over reaction on his part tbh. He didn't throw it back at you in a rage just on the floor.

ladyWordy Wed 09-Jan-13 18:46:53

Why do you feel sick and shaky, wonky.
Is something else happening.

NatashaBee Wed 09-Jan-13 18:55:00

If DH threw a dirty nappy at me, I would absolutely see red. It's disgusting. If you are frustrated with him, you should sit down and talk to him about why you are both so stressed, not throw pissy nappies at eachother.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 18:56:03

Everything feels to complicated to explain. We often horse about. There's quite a lot of PA digging too. This felt like he really, really dislikes me.

Corygal Wed 09-Jan-13 18:58:24

Marital harmony tip: suggest you don't throw stinking nappies at people to get attention?

Possibly not followed not prioritising your own feelings over the person you've just smacked, either. Sermon over - forget it. Are you actually worried about something else? That sounds more like it - apologise and talk to each other about the real problem.

NatashaBee Wed 09-Jan-13 18:59:20

If his attention wasn't on what you were doing, I imagine it took him by surprise and he had no idea what had (literally) hit him. He may have acted on instinct. Did he say anything afterwards when he realised what you'd done?

Astley Wed 09-Jan-13 18:59:50

I would be really really angry if DH did that to me tbh. It's disgusting to imagine it actually hitting your face <<boak>>

I think you need to apologise. He threw it on the floor after it hit his face, I don't think thats really anthing to be sorry for.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:00:32

Yep, his attention wasn't on what we were doing. It very often isn't. I was definitely having an immature swipe at that.

extracrunchy Wed 09-Jan-13 19:01:35

OP hope you're ok x

Astley Wed 09-Jan-13 19:01:48

Do you need his atttention to play with your own child?!

Ephiny Wed 09-Jan-13 19:02:03

I would probably be feeling 'dislike' for you (to say the least) if you threw a dirty nappy at me!

Did you apologise?

dequoisagitil Wed 09-Jan-13 19:02:20

What happened afterwards? How is he now? Have you talked about it?

Ephiny Wed 09-Jan-13 19:04:41

I'm not quite seeing what's wrong with one parent using the computer while the other plays with the child either. Nothing about this situation makes any sense to me tbh. confused

Bubblegum78 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:05:09

I think you should appologise, tell him it was an ill judged joke and didn't mean to upset him.

I agree with Astley, it's pretty disgusting to throw a wet nappy at someone so in reality he didn't overreact?


JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 19:05:11

Well if he was working no wonder he wasn't being attentive to you hmm.

Both in the wrong but you worse I'm afraid. Throwing a dirty nappy at anyone is just so ridiculous I can't believe you actually thought it was okay to do.

You need to apologise to him and mean it.

Your baby doesn't need to see either of you being idiots.

Hullygully Wed 09-Jan-13 19:05:20

Oh dear.

Both say sorry and have a nice hug and don't do it again

fluffyraggies Wed 09-Jan-13 19:05:41

OP obviously you're feeling unhappy about something within your relationship. It is daunting to try and explain here, i know.

Have you tried to talk to your DH about your issues though? Is this an old problem?

GirlOutNumbered Wed 09-Jan-13 19:08:01

I don't think he over reacted, I would have probably thrown it back harder. Nothing a sorry shouldn't fix though.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:08:55

He wasn't working. He was just surfing.

sudaname Wed 09-Jan-13 19:08:59

He threw it at the floor.Very restrained - l'd have wiped your face with it. You threw it actually at him. The fact it was rolled up and only had urine in it is totally irrelevant. Most people would still feel - had it touched their clothes or hair or face,the need to thoroughly clean glasses or any other surface it touched, shower and change their clothes.

All because you felt 'ignored' by your DH while you were playing with your DC. hmm. Do you only play with your DC to get attention off your DH then ?

Grow up - or next time throw a cushion.

HyvaPaiva Wed 09-Jan-13 19:09:49

If I was at the computer and something flew at my head, knocking my glasses right off, I'd instinctively throw it out of my way and shout due to shock and feeling defensive. If that thing that been thrown on purpose by my spouse and was a soiled nappy I would be absolutely raging mad. It was in no way an overreaction by your husband. Throwing it was in no way acceptable or 'joking'. Feeling shaky? Then don't hit people in the face and proceed to judge them for their reaction. Your action did this. Other problems may need to be dealt with and you need to talk through that with your DH. I hope you do sort out any issues. However, what you've specifically presented as the problem in the OP is foul. You don't 'jokingly' throw soiled nappies at anyone's face. That's so disgusting behaviour, OP.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:12:16

I felt ignored because he spends a good amount of time ignoring me. But it was very bad behaviour on my part.

Snorbs Wed 09-Jan-13 19:12:21

"This felt like he really, really dislikes me."

Maybe it's nothing personal. It could be that he would really, really dislike having things thrown in his face by anyone. I know I do.

Kiriwawa Wed 09-Jan-13 19:12:36

If anyone threw a dirty nappy at my face hard enough to knock my glasses off, they'd be lucky if I didn't open it up and shove their face into it.

It's a really, really horrible thing to do

sparkle12mar08 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:13:04

Honestly? I think he was in the right and YAB utterly U. There may be issues in your marriage as you've said, but you started this incident and you are totally responsible for it. Grow up and sort out your marriage in a proper adult manner, not like a three year old.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:13:04

Thanks for the feedback btw.

BoffinMum Wed 09-Jan-13 19:14:20

I am in the camp that would have shouted at you as well. Horsing about is one thing, but that's bizarre and really annoying.

Ephiny Wed 09-Jan-13 19:15:17

But what's so wrong with 'just surfing'? Isn't that what you're doing on MN right now? How would you like it if he threw a dirty nappy at your face for daring to read MN instead of paying attention to him?

LynetteScavo Wed 09-Jan-13 19:15:53

He didn't over react. He probably feels shaken that you threw a dirty nappy at his face.

I'm curious as to how you will both explain to your DS that you don't throw things in the house in the future.

Do you not think you acted disproportionately to him surfing the net?

Stupid immature behaviour on your part, Wonky. I don't think he overreacted or acting disproportionately by throwing it on the floor and getting stroppy.

curiousuze Wed 09-Jan-13 19:18:30

Was it poop or pee??

Oh dear OP, I'd go and find him and tell him you're sorry. Like someone else said - hug it out!

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:18:40

Right now I am crying too much to be in the same room as DS, so I am sitting upstairs while his father gives him a bath.

Apologies, DH uses the net as a life avoidance tactic. I'm feeling unsupported and unloved. I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour though.

Viviennemary Wed 09-Jan-13 19:19:09

So it was OK for you to throw the nappy but not OK for him to throw it back. I don't think I'd want to live with somebody who thought it was fun to throw dirty napppies at me. I think you should take up a sport where you throwing skills could be improved.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:19:36

It was wet.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 09-Jan-13 19:20:25

OP you've acknowledged that the nappy throwing was a terrible idea.

Right, so now what do you want to do? Things are clearly fraught between you both. Can you discuss it when you've both calmed down?

dequoisagitil Wed 09-Jan-13 19:21:32

So you spend a lot of time feeling ignored by him and there's lots of passive-aggressive behaviour in the relationship.

Perhaps you should consider relationship counselling together?

Btw, would he happily throw a nappy at you, when horsing around?

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:22:03

I'm not angry. I feel very sad.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:22:44

Yes he would. As I said, this kind of horsing around is not unusual for us.

ginmakesitallok Wed 09-Jan-13 19:22:59

I don't think he over reacted either. You deliberately threw a wet nappy towards his face, he reacted by throwing it to the floor. "This felt like he really, really dislikes me" - and do you think that throwing a wet nappy at him made him feel like you like him??

You should apologise

ladyWordy Wed 09-Jan-13 19:23:15

Ok, so you horse around a lot. This latest incident very was ill-judged, and he took it badly. And you're shaken.

What usually happens when you horse around?
Can you tell us what you mean by PA digging?

Say this incident had never happened... What's been happening generally?

dequoisagitil Wed 09-Jan-13 19:25:18

OK, so no wonder you're shaken by his reaction.

Does he do more horsing around of the nappy-throwing variety than you, usually? Or is it more or less equal?

Rowlers Wed 09-Jan-13 19:25:20

Well, I'm sure most of us have done daft things we instantly regret.
I think you've had a good old telling off on this thread, which probably isn't making you feel any better!
I can understand his reaction but can also see what you did was a spur of the moment action with an outcome you didn't intend.
I'm sure an apology once DS is in bed will help.

Kiriwawa Wed 09-Jan-13 19:27:32

So where do you go from here? Have you talked? Have you apologised?

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 19:27:51

I'm the least violent person you could meet and also like messing around winding people up. But if you'd threw a wet nappy at my face (even if badly aimed) I'd have be likely to throw it back at your face. I've got a lame sense of humour and find almost anything funny but that's just not. So I would apologise for that.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:29:28

We have one long-standing and very hurtful (for me at least, probably him too) problem that simmers away. Every year or so we have a big argument about it, resolve to change things and then get back into the same pattern. Superficially completely unconnected to this incident, though.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:31:03

No, as I said I am too upset to be around Ds, who is still awake.

I don't know if I have the words to talk this through. It feels too big.

dequoisagitil Wed 09-Jan-13 19:36:07

Have you tried relationship counselling or individual counselling for this long-standing problem? Sounds like the pus from that particular boil seeps out and poisons the rest of your relationship.

Kiriwawa Wed 09-Jan-13 19:36:32

So you're both pissed off with one another. How are you planning to move on from that?

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:39:16

It does.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:40:30

I don't know kiri.

ladyWordy Wed 09-Jan-13 19:41:10

It sounds like you need to talk to a friend or professional, wonky. If it feels too big to find the words.
When you can, call someone.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:42:54

I don't think I can, lady. I'm just such a big fucking failure at life.

Blu Wed 09-Jan-13 19:44:05

What was he doing on the computer? Work, or something serious? Or just messing about?

Sorry you are so upset - you two sound as if you need some good old heart-to-hearting, and if it feels too big to talk about, would you consider couples counselling?

Well, apologise for the nappy incident initially. I wear glasses, and if something hits me to knock them off, it bloody hurts. The nose pads dig in to the side of your nose and it's exquisitely painful. I think I'd have reacted the same way, tbh.

The other relationship stuff needs talking about, definitely, but lobbing a wet nappy in to someone's face is hardly an act of friendship. Saying sorry might break the ice?

nannyof3 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:44:44

She threw the nappy joking about... Get a grip people!!!

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:47:14

Messing around Blu.

I would like to do couples counselling but we have no childcare for when it's available (evenings).

Ephiny Wed 09-Jan-13 19:49:36

Are you not making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be? Surely the words are along the lines of 'I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, it was a stupid and horrible thing to do. It won't happen again.'

Is there any need for all this drama about being a failure at life, too upset to see your son etc? Just get a grip, apologise like an adult, and move on with your life.

You sound very hard work tbh.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:50:08

And I was at home because I left work early due to feeling exhausted and in pain (SPD). So whilst I wasn't angry when I chucked the nappy, I was annoyed with him. That's what I mean by PA.

FernandoIsFaster Wed 09-Jan-13 19:51:16

I would go absolutely bat shit if someone threw a piss filled nappy at me. If a woman came on here and said a man had thrown a wet nappy at her everyone would be telling her to leave the bastard.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:51:42

When I say I am too upset to see my son, I mean that I have been crying and he finds it distressing to see.

Viviennemary Wed 09-Jan-13 19:54:19

Sorry I was unsympathtic on an earlier post. There is a lot more to this than throwing nappies.

To be honest, I am not surprised he spend a lot of time ignoring you if you are this juvenile. Throwing a pissy nappy at somebody's face? How disrespectful.

I would be both angry and humiliated if somebody did that to me.

You really told him how you feel about him!

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 19:57:37

I'm not explaining myself very well Vivienne.

I was scared about posting because I've been avoiding thinking about our larger issues. And I was aware that while I desperately want/need some support, I would get a lot of harsh words because I haven't behaved very well. But I'm so lonely and sad and I don't feel able to talk to family or friends.

Kiriwawa Wed 09-Jan-13 19:58:07

Have you said sorry?

Do I have the only household in the world where we chuck nappies at each other - to take out to the bin, in a head's up I changed so you can stick it in the bin way? I've never felt the need to have a shower because the outside of a nappy has touched me hmm

I think you need to apologise about knocking his glasses off, looks like he's already building bridges by doing the bathing. If my dh was in a proper huff for something that I'd initiated he'd have left me to sort out the mess and clean up the dc.

Storm in a teacup imo, if he's using the laptop as an avoidance technique then you need to have a proper discussion about that and ways to compromise over the time spent on there - maybe waiting until dc is in bed, or limiting himself to a set amount of time each day/week?

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:00:46

I've said that it was bad of me.

I've also said that it's not at all unusual for either of us to do this kind of thing. And I wasn't aiming at his face, of course not. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm trying to excuse bad behaviour. I'm not. But my intention and the reaction I expected were far away from the result.

mrsbabookaloo Wed 09-Jan-13 20:00:47

Just want to send you some support, op. Some people are v judgemental. If the nappy was wrapped its not that gross. I am sure you were being immature and thoughtless and that your dp has pissed you off, and you need to find a better way to deal with it. You are upset and unhappy but you have mot committed the crime of the century. This sort of thing could easily happen between me and dh. I do understand him being angry- he was probsbly really surprised and having your glasses knocked off is particularly horrible, but youi didnt mean to. Hope you can talk and figure out what is really going on.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:02:08

No Superman, that is absolutely the way we normally behave. I can see how it would look to people who don't, though.

dequoisagitil Wed 09-Jan-13 20:02:35

I think you're going to have to face up to the larger issues, because you are both stuck in a cycle.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:02:59

Kiri he is still upstairs. I think he may have fallen asleep putting DS down.

You could go to him and apologise. It might start off a discussion. He's probably not feeling great either, tbh.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:04:26

I think the reason I am upset is that after five years of the same problem I don't know if we can, dequoi.

SaraBellumHertz Wed 09-Jan-13 20:04:34

Honestly what the fuck is the matter with posters at the moment?! The ops distress is palpable - does it really make you feel better to put the boot in and tell her how awful she has been?!

winky please don't be upset. You misjudged the situation. That is all, it happens.

It sounds like he was caught off guard and had a hissy fit (or pissy fit, if you like grin).

Go and make him a cup of tea and wake him up with an apology.

Pleasesleep Wed 09-Jan-13 20:05:31

To be honest I think you've had a really hard time here op! I'm not saying it was a particularly smart thing to do, I would find it a bit irritating but some of the posters here really need to catch a grip! Who would rub someone's face in a nappy just because someone chucked it at them? It's plastic on the outside, there isn't even any wee on it or likely to escape from it! It's just a joke.

Your DH's reaction was woefully out of proportion, and totally unacceptable in front of your son. I think you need to talk to him seriously about the issues you're having.

sudaname Wed 09-Jan-13 20:06:16

If a urine soaked nappy had been in enough contact around my face and hair to actually knock my glasses off my face l would definitely be hitting the shower/bathroom l'm afraid.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 20:06:24

It seems to me that people are enjoying getting the boot in here.

You basically threw a balled up piece of paper at his chest.

Modern disposable nappies are not "piss soaked" when used and wrapped properly. They're dry and a bit heavy.

I wouldn't be too happy if I was concentrating and one hit my glasses off, and I might have reacted as your DH did.

But once told it was an accident, I would have apologised for being so cross.

You are heavily pregnant and unwell, and obviously very upset.

There is no reason for multiple posts all outdoing each other to exaggerate the wrong you've done your husband.

I was going to suggest you repost this in Relationships, where you might get some advice on your problem rather than a group dressing down for a pretty minor mistake, but I see you have posted in Relationships.

I am willing to hear you out if you want to talk about your relationship problem. I don't think it's OK that you are so upset that you are bawling your eyes out and the people you turn to for help tell you you deserve to be ignored by your husband.

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 20:06:55

Why were you annoyed with him though? It's not his fault you've got spd, it's just one of those things.

You do sound like a bit of a drama lama tbh.

maxmillie Wed 09-Jan-13 20:07:21

I think overeaction. Was balled up. They aren't wet on the outside. We often so this, kids as well. We find it funny to chuck them over the bannister to take outside on way down with the element of random chance that you might hit someone on the head coming up. We find it hilarious on the odd occasion that it does. Perhaps we are a particularly juvenile family though smile

I'd put it done to sense of humour failure/mismatch

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:07:58

Im going against the grain and saying he completely overreacted.

I could throw a nappy at my DH and he'd laugh, even if he didn't he'd never react in a fury in front f our DC, yes you were immature but he stooped just as low.

I hope you get your issues sorted before that newborn baby comes because babies push relationships to the brink.

dequoisagitil Wed 09-Jan-13 20:09:57

OP, if you feel you want to talk about the larger issues, you could always name-change and start another thread.

I am hoping that more people will let go of the nappy-throwing (especially when it's something he'd do as well) if this thread continues, but it might be easier to start over.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:09:57

And im disgusted at how people are reacting here, this is not AIBU last time I checked.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:10:34

DS and I were the ones who ended up covered in piss, actually. You have to throw a nappy really hard at the floor for it to split and cover the entire room.

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 20:11:21

No it's not Aibu. But even in the hallowed ground of relationships, women can be in the wrong.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:12:22

Yes, he reacted with fury. In front of DS.

I hope by saying that people don't think I'm trying to downplay my own behaviour.

JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 20:13:15

You can't have had 5 years of a shitty relationship given that you are pregnant and have a toddler.

Go and say sorry and say you want to start again and be a grown up and build your relationship up.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:14:59

Yes but OP said in her opening she felt shaken, I dont agree that what she did was right but theres no need to flame an already shaken pregnant woman, there are other ways to give her perspective.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:15:14

Sorry JustFab - we haven't had five years of shitty relationship. We've had fantastic times and shit ones. We are finding it more difficult to relate than not at the moment, however.

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 20:15:36

I think it's ok for children to see adults being angry from time to time actually. We're not automatons. Most posters have said they'd have been furious too.

It's what you do now that matters. Tell him you're sorry but his reaction upset you. Have a hug. Move on.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:15:59

And whose to say this man hasn't been violent in the past.

Bubblegum78 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:16:11

Wonky, is there a chance you could be suffering from prenatal depression?

You've said you are in pain due to the spd and that you and OH have unresolved issues, you are clearly distressed.

First I would talk to your midwife, then your GP. They can support you and your GP can usually offer you 6, 1 hours free counselling sessions.

You will have to go alone (obvs) but it will give you the opportunity to get it all off your chest and explore what's bothering you and hopefully learn some coping mechanisms.

You will have to sit your OH down at some point and tell him what's going on, you need his support and your relationship won't survive without communication.

((((HUGS))) xx

MorrisZapp Wed 09-Jan-13 20:16:39

Why are people so horrified by their own child's wet nappy? It's dry on the outside, and has an adorable persons wee on the inside.

I'm all for washing my hands after a nappy change, but a bath if the outside of my own child's wet nappy touches my face? That's crazy.

OP, when you feel up to it, maybe start another thread about the real issues in your relationship. Don't mention the evil baby wee, or your amateur basketball antics. You will get help and support.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:19:48

Not violent, but he has been disproportionately angry.

Bubblegum, I've had extra sessions with the mw because I am at risk of PND having had it with my first. She mentioned counselling if I need it but we haven't got there yet.

Oh ffs there are some real kneejerk reactions on this thread. hmm This kind of horsing around happens a lot in our house, op. I'd think nothing of chucking a wet balled up nappy at dp, not at his face but as you said that was a mistake due to crap aim. Dp would do this too for a laugh, same as maybe throwing a pair or socks/pants or waving a big spider in a jar at you on the way to throwing it out. Just silliness that's all! It was a balled up baby wee in a nappy not a bare turd!

I think it does sound like an overreaction, a bit of a tantrum tbh. Especially if you were saying "oh shit, sorry! sorry!" as I would have doing, and not laughing your head off (were you?) grin

Don't let this lot make you feel terrible, and like this is a life changing incident. It really isn't and you don't need relationship counselling based on this (ffs! lol) Just apologise, say "I'm a twat with shit aim, I'm sorry I knocked your glasses off, are you ok?" and go from there.

Offer yourself for target practice. grin (although to be fair it's you who needs it) Chin up!

EuroShagmore Wed 09-Jan-13 20:22:19

I think you were in the wrong to throw the nappy. Just apologise.

Broodzilla Wed 09-Jan-13 20:22:33

I hardly ever post, often lurk though... But I absolutely had to jump in to say that I don't really see why everyone's so hung up on the nappy... If it was wet, and rolled up, it might as well have been a soft toy. A beanbag perhaps, as that would burst and make a mess if it split. Perhaps not an ideal way to start a conversation to chuck it at someone, but we've established that.

What I'm wondering, is this: do you have a DV history?

That might explain your shakiness and tears, and the fact that you can't calm down... His burstbof anger triggered something?

ladyWordy Wed 09-Jan-13 20:22:36

yes Wonky.... if you decide you want to post about the other things going on, why not make a new thread.
The thing that happened here isn't the problem. Something else is.

SurroundedByBlue Wed 09-Jan-13 20:22:58

I have thrown wet nappies at ex (when we were still together) and he has thrown them at me. Usually whilst he is not expecting it along with me calling 'hey catch' or something similar. It's a joke.

At nearly 8 months pregnant, with bad spd the OP shouldn't be sitting on the floor trying to keep the toddler entertained whilst her other half is sat on his backside playing on google or whatever. He should be playing with the dc and she should be resting.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:25:15

Of course I apologised as soon as I realised my aim had been off. It got lost in his shout though and then DS and I were covered. I have not apologised after it happened though, because in the context of our relationship his reaction felt hugely disproportionate and shocking.

Porkster Wed 09-Jan-13 20:25:55

I'd have been disproportionately angry too.

I get The Rage if anything is thrown at my head and I'm not expecting it.

Once op, in the car park of asda I tripped my dp up on purpose but as a joke. He fell flat on his face and all the shopping split, loads of
people saw. I don't know why I did it and I certainly didn't mean it to be so dreadful but I didn't mean it. He went completely insane (rightfully) but we did speak about it and we can laugh now. The point here is I understand what you meant by doing something jokingly then it gou g wrong and being too big to talk about. After you have both calmed down try and have a chat and a cup of tea or something and go from there. Take care.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 20:26:44

"But even in the hallowed ground of relationships, women can be in the wrong."


A good number of women are very much in the wrong on this thread.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:28:05

You might have been that angry with me, but would you be that angry in front of your son? I wouldn't.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 20:29:11

OP, I think your behaviour was abusive here, not DP's. How little respect do you have to have for someone to literally throw human waste at their face? hmm I feel sorry for DS, he is a baby and should not be caught in the middle of anything like this. If a woman had written that her DP had acted as you did people would be accusing him of all sorts. You abused and humiliated him. Fact. Being Pg is no excuse.

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 20:30:59

He didn't plan his reaction did he? He wasn't expecting to get whacked in the face. And what you've described him doing doesn't sound that angry to me. You weren't really playing yourself were you? You were pissed off at him. You obviously threw it harder than you consciously intended. He did the same, except he didn't throw it AT you.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:33:50

I'm going to sound like I protest too much here but he did throw it at me. He threw it at us - at the floor Next to where we were sitting. That's why we were both covered in the contents.

I agree that I threw it harder than I consciously intended.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 20:34:02

"How little respect do you have to have for someone to literally throw human waste at their face?"

Get. A. Fucking. Grip.

Signet2012 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:34:05

Op you sound so down sad

If its any consolation once I tipped a jug of cold water over dp as he walked past the stairs. Not only did I break his hands free kit I also caused him to have to grovel to a client as he shouted "fucking hell" at the top if his voice. I hadn't seem he was on the phone.

We have a very horseplay type of relationship so I get where you are coming from

This seems more than just that though, you touch on other issues?

If you don't feel you can talk to each in not really sure how to suggest you move forward.

Kiriwawa Wed 09-Jan-13 20:35:10

I wouldn't chuck a nappy at anyone because they're really heavy if they're wet but then I wouldn't chuck one so hard at the floor that it exploded either.

You need to talk sad

Are you scared? What's behind all this? You've said there's some big issue but you've not said what that is. You're not going to get anywhere with this thread if it's all about the rights and wrongs of nappy chucking. What do you you want to achieve?

Abusive? throwing human waste at his face? She already said she aimed at his chest and it ACCIDENTALLY hit his face, stop twisting things, she already feels like shit and has admitted she was wrong. No need to let loose the flying monkey's, eh?

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:37:42

athinginyourlife I couldn't have daid it better.

Some people are seriously full of crap never mind tbe nappy. She threw it as an immature joke, he threw it in anger. Big difference there!

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 20:37:42

He didn't try to hit you with it though and he didn't know it was going to burst.

I agree there must be done massive back issue for this to he such a big deal because what he did sounds completely in the range of normal to me.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 20:37:52

AThing I still think that's what happened and IMO it was not acceptable and OP needs to get a grip, for feeling sick and shaky, when her behaviour was worse.

TheBOF Wed 09-Jan-13 20:38:03

I think he over-reacted. A pissed-off yell of "WTF are you doing?!" would have sufficed. By all means apologise, say it was silly and you didn't mean to hit his face, but I'd also say that his reaction frightened you too and it felt like in that moment he really hated you and you're shaken. Then see if you can kiss and make up, or if he thinks you've got stuff you need to talk about?

That's how I'd handle it, I think.

WonkyBookshelf Wed 09-Jan-13 20:38:03

Thank you for the support but this thread doesn't feel like a safe place to discuss our problems.

GirlOutNumbered Wed 09-Jan-13 20:38:22

I think you are wrong to think that people don't get angry in front of children. I have and I feel terrible about it afterwards, probably how your OH feels now. I'm sure he didn't want to blow up in sons view but then a large heavy object hit him unexpectedly. I don't blame him.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 20:41:02

James If a woman had posted this about a man he'd be flamed to high hell and the woman would have been told to leave. Throwing, waste, which is what urine is, at anybody is abusive. I don't get what's so over the top about saying that.

ScubaSarah Wed 09-Jan-13 20:43:31

wonky I have had a (in hindsight hideously embarrassing) moment of pregnarage recently and recognise that, if I weren't in a great place with my DH I could behave much more childishly than I normally would ever contemplate - you're tired, you're hormonal and emotional - that makes your actions understandable and not-ok at the same time.
He over-reacted, but not massively so given he must have had a fright and it must have hurt.

As a few, more reasonable, other posters have said, take a deep breath, go and apologise, try to lighten the mood and then, maybe, try to tackle the underlying issue - either with DH or with a counsellor via your GP. Hopefully once you start the apologies he will follow suit.
The next few months will be hard, with or without PND - if you can tackle the root of these issues before your EDD it might help save more heartache down the line.

Samaritans are always on the end of the phone even if you don't feel you can say much but need to let it out…

Good luck and hope the SPD improves x

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:46:06

I think it depends on the relationship which we know nothing about, she playfully threw a rolled up nappy aiming for his chest, it missed. She apologised, he shouted and threw the nappy on tbe ground so hard it crumbled.

I couldn't give a flying fart if a man posted this either id still stand by my opinion that it was meant as a joke and he took his reaction too far.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 20:46:12

"there must be done massive back issue for this to he such a big deal"

Well, duh!

Of course there fucking well is.

And she's been trying to find people to talk to about it but a whole thread worth of self-righteous gobshites have made her afraid to now

Round of applause Mumsnet. Well done everybody.

One upset pregnant woman sent packing.

Wonky - you're right, this isn't a safe place to talk about your problems

If you want to talk to people willing to listen, you could start a thread in Off the Beaten Track and PM links to a few of us.

I'm so sorry sad

sudaname Wed 09-Jan-13 20:46:37

It was a reaction though wasnt it. A knee jerk reaction to being startled (and your glasses being knocked off your face completely unexpectedly would shock even the toughest of men ). He deliberately channelled his anger onto the offending missile and the floor. He didnt aim it at you, the thrower, as many people automatically would. He threw it at the floor. This is not a violent man shudders at what my exh wouldve done , nor did he even turn the air blue or call the OP abusive names - at least neither has been mentioned thus far.
l think some people are overreacting to the DHs reaction tbh, even suggesting DV confused.

Bollocks. If a woman wrote "he threw a nappy at me trying to be funny, but it hit my face and knocked my glasses off, then I lost my rag, chucked it and it exploded everywhere. I've left him there to clean it up, I'm not bloody helping" (which is what actually happened, with no sexing it up out of proportion) the reaction she would have got would have been "good on you, that'll learn him, what was he thinking?" not leave the bastard.

Because you know, us grown ups don't usually leave a person because of a joke that went wrong...

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 20:50:47

There's no need to be so fucking rude a thing. She's said he's never been violent. She's admitted she wasn't just playing, she was angry he sues he was ignoring her. As she doesn't want to say what this "thing" is perhaps there's little help to offer.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 20:50:54

Here Here Suda!

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:52:05

But its the fact that she feels sick and shaken at his reaction james, not the fact that he threw it.

MooncupGoddess Wed 09-Jan-13 20:53:20

OP - it's very hard for the nuances of this situation to be clear when there is so much back story we don't know. Do start another thread elsewhere talking about the real issues involved and I'm sure people will be more sympathetic.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 20:53:30

Sorry pressed too soon...thiat is what makes the difference. If I ever made my DH feel that way over a joke I'd feel bloody ashamed of myself.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 20:55:09

Not a joke to me athing IME of MN, you're wrong re the reaction had it been a man. OP, could have jokingly said 'Daddy's missing out on all the fun! Let's go and get him' or similar. IMO throwing waste, is more chimplike than adult behaviour

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 20:56:32

Exactly saycheeese

AngryGnome Wed 09-Jan-13 20:57:23

I'm sorry you are so down OP. SPDnis horrible, and constant pain combined with the general tiredness of late pregnancy is a nasty combination. You chucked a wet nappy at him, harder than you intended and badly aimed. You admit that you did this partly as a joke, and partly as you were a bit pissed off that he was surfing the net whilst you were on toddler watch. He was angry and threw it back, possibly harder than he intended which is why it split on the floor and you and DS were covered in the contents.

Tbh, it wasn't pleasant for any of you, and it wasn't great behaviour from either of you. It seems to be a result of deeper problems you have. Can you use this incident as a way of opening a channel to talk to each other? Say I'm sorry I threw the nappy, it was stupid of me, but I'm also upset at the way you reacted, especially in front of ds.

I can see you are very upset at this happening in front of ds, but as other posters have said parents Aren't robots and sometimes we do get angry. The key is to to be Able to show your children through your actions that adults do argue and get it wrong sometimes, but a relationship is rooted in love, trust and respect. At the moment you don't seem to be feeling you do have that kind of relationship, so now is the time to try and talk about it if you can.

Astley Wed 09-Jan-13 20:58:54

I can only say that from my perspective, as a glasses wearer, it does hurt if somthing hits you in the face. Personally if I then saw it was a nappy I'd find it pretty gross.

I don't really get why anyone would feel chucking it on the floor is an over reaction! Horsing around is one thing, but imo, it does take 2 and you can clearly tell when the other person is or isn't in the mood.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:00:53

He didnt jusy chuck the nappy, he shouted so loud that he made her feel shaken

Corygal Wed 09-Jan-13 21:02:32

OP - who's wetter, you or the stinky nappy?

You are clearly determined to be the victim - but you are the aggressor, and your relentless accusations that yr DH behaved worse are coming across A Bit Weird And Not In a Good Way.

Can't you both talk? Please?

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 21:03:03

Perhaps her feeling shaken is an over reaction? It sounds like one.

JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 21:05:16

You need to apologise. Refusing to do so because you think he over reacted is ridiculous.

Astley Wed 09-Jan-13 21:06:55

Oh my God! The man shouted afterbeing hit in the face, suddenly, with a used nappy.

Maybe we should linch him? FFS

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:07:04

If that's the type of thing OP finds funny, perhaps DP felt she needed to be told clearly that he'd had enough, and to be fair there are far worse ways for him to expressing himself than shouting. If she's going to behave like a child, Op should expect to be treated like one. Most of us, when we want our DC to stop an unacceptable behavoiur have resorted to shouting when genuinely shocked or hurt by their actions. So no big deal IMHO.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:07:50

My point exactly Chub

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:08:32

IMHO this tread is an insult to those experiencing DV

Pancakeflipper Wed 09-Jan-13 21:10:34

I don't you threw this in fun, high jinks, giggles and humour. I think there was a touch of venom cos he was ignoring you.

You need to say sorry and sort this out and whatever else is upsetting you in this relationship.

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 21:11:51

Hopefully the op is talking to her husband and getting the whole silly episode sorted rather than disappeared on a new thread set up for the purposes of enabling her

penguinplease Wed 09-Jan-13 21:12:12

Go and apologise, tell him you are sorry and that you think maybe he should apologise too, break the ice and get it sorted instead of dwelling about it.

Maybe he feels wretched for his reaction too, I'm sure he didn't realise the nappy would explode.

Stop wasting time posting on here and go and make the first move, you are not prepared to tell anyone what the underlying issue is and that is your prerogative but we can't help you unless we have the facts.

It sounds like a silly situation that got out of hand. Fwiw I am a glasses wearer and I would have been cross too, even though you did it by accident, even throwing it at his chest was a bit unnecessary or you could at least have shouted catch while you did it, given him half a chance!

AngryGnome Wed 09-Jan-13 21:12:37

I don't think the OP is coming across at Ll weird - I think she is very shaken and upset, there is rom what she has said a lot of backstory that we don't know about, and this nappy incident has brought everything to a head for her. I don't think name calling is going to help the op or her relationship.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:13:58

Couldn't agree more pancake

Sadly, she probably isn't Chub, and there will be another thread somewhere.

strumpetpumpkin Wed 09-Jan-13 21:14:37

im sorry youre feeling so crap OP sad x

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 21:15:32

Listening to someone who is upset and obviously wants to talk about it is "enabling" them?

Fucking hell, there are some right thick cunts on this thread.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:15:36

Some of you are just nasty pieces of work, enabling her??what a fucking pile of self righteous shit!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Wed 09-Jan-13 21:18:00

I just want to chime in that in our house, chucking a (dry on the outside, wee, rolled-up) nappy, or some balled-up socks, is not unheard of. For maximum points you have to sneak up on someone and yell "sock attack!". Things are never thrown in anger or hard enough to hurt someone and I always miss.

It is normal for us and while I have been towel-attacked in the past when not in the mood my reaction was to say "ugh, no, I'm not in the mood". If my glasses were accidentally knocked off I would be cross and look cross and say crossly "Oi, what are you doing you eejit". Then I would accept the immediately-forthcoming apology.

I realise many MNers would apparently hate to live in my house. That's fine grin. But there is a massive difference between what we do, what the OP was trying to do, and throwing something in anger at your wife and toddler, so hard it breaks open and covers them with piss.

That would leave me shaken and upset, too, OP. I'm very sorry about this and about the frankly nasty reception you've had here. I hope you've had an apology.

sparklyjumper Wed 09-Jan-13 21:18:57

Hi op, I would like to say sorry if my reply has in any way added to you being upset or made you not want to speak any further.

I think that you came on and posted about one thing when it is actually about much more and without knowing the background people can only go on what you've said.

Why not leave this thread behind even ask for it to be removed and start over again?

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 21:20:18

Yes, enabling her to talk about what's bothering her a d figure out a way to calm down and address it would be a dreadful, dreadful thing to do.

What we need to do is belittle her, tear her down, make her feel like she doesn't deserve anyone to listen to her and then give her trite, pointless advice that is clearly nowhere near the actual issue.

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 21:20:21

Assuming that she must be in the right despite her actions is enabling, yes.

Shits, cunts - for someone who claims to be so interested in offering support you're quite aggressive really.

JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 21:21:41

She didn't throw the nappy in fun, as a joke with her H's knowledge though. She was annoyed with him so threw it at him.

They really need to talk as tghe atmosphere in the house is going to cause more upset to the children than a one off shout from Daddy.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:22:06

Because apparently sparkly another thread to support underlying issues would be enabling her.

And here I was thinking the relationships board was here for people with relationship problems.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:24:14

Well Chub had you not been so nasty towards her then perhaps our reactions wouldn't have been warranted plus I didnt call you a shit, just what you said.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 21:26:22

I'm not offering support to you, Chubfuddler.

You seem to have plenty of support here bullying someone vulnerable.

And nobody is assuming she is in the right.

Just that she is upset and feels ignored and needs to talk about her feelings and her marriage is on the line.

But sure, make light of it and enjoy ganging up on her.

How big you must feel.

Chubfuddler Wed 09-Jan-13 21:29:25

I don't feel big. I made a perfectly innocent comment that there must be something bigger going on and you ridiculed it. M

Your posts create the impression that you somehow think of these types of threads as your territory, and you dislike anyone dissenting from what you consider to be the party line. I'm sure that can't be the case because that would be absurd, bit it's the impression you're giving. You might like to think about it.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:30:31

I didnt imply she was right either, but you dont kick someone, who has a history of mental illness, when they're down and feeling worthless.
Thats a pretty horrible thing to do.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:32:19

Saycheese and athing I think you have been the most self-righteous posters tbh, to read DV in OP's DP's behaviour, when she has said there has been none. You seem like self righteous 'man bashers' to me.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:37:56

Im not a man basher at all nolittle and up thread you actually agreed with me.
I asked op if there was a history of violence, she said no so I left it at that.
I think what she did was silly, I think he over reacted, and I think op needs support for the relationship issues she obviously came on to talk about.

But now she cant talk anout it because the majority of people on this thread have ignored her issues and focused on tbe nappy she threw.

I actually quite like men you know so don't judge me for wanting to support not flame a vulnerable woman.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:40:41

I agreed with you once, yes, but your later posts made me hmm It's not my fault you came across like that

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 21:41:21

I didn't read DV in his behaviour.

I said I could see why he reacted angrily and that I might react similarly myself.

If you think that's man bashing the men you know must be made of marshmallow.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:43:57

Yes you did read DV and yes it was man bashing. The man I know best, DH, would never be treated as disrespectfully as OP's OH was. He's not made of marshmallow

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:45:28

Sorry but I dont think any of my post changed direction nolittle so am not sure why you agree with me one minute and the next are calling me a self righteous man basher. I dont know how exactly I bashed him hmm

crookedcrock Wed 09-Jan-13 21:45:51

For the spd alone (I suffered terribly so I do understand) ((Wonky)), don't worry about the nappy throwing fgs, just a mistake. I'm sorry you are so upset and sad, try to find someone to talk to. It can't be good for you to be so stressed, look after yourself and I hope you and your dh can resolve things.

HollyBerryBush Wed 09-Jan-13 21:48:24

In my experience, a nappy has to be absolutely sodden and weighs like a breezeblock to explode.

It was joke that went wrong - you both need to sit down and apologise, both over reacted. And stop dwelling on it - because if one of you is a sulker or prone to the hystryonics - you'll be hell to live with.

MmeLindor Wed 09-Jan-13 21:48:52

I am sorry that this thread has not been helpful to you. I hope you will return when things have calmed down, or try posting again to discuss the underlying issues.

Yes, throwing the nappy at him was daft, and he was entitled to be angry with you for that, but his reaction was a bit OTT.

At the same time, you do have to learn that it is absolutely FINE for a child to see his parents argue - no two people agree all of the time. The important thing is that some boundaries are not crossed, and you show that afterwards, you can both apologise and give each other a hug.

It sounds like your upset is not due to this one incident though, and you could do with someone to talk it over with.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 21:52:14

Oh for god's fucking sake OP said ages ago that they have serious problems in their relationship and she wanted to talk about it! Stop going on about the fucking nappy - she's knows it was a very stupid thing to do. She's been chased off by twats saying the same thing a million times and enjoying vilifying her.

I'm not saying her dh is an arsehole or anything BECAUSE SGE DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO TALK.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 21:52:26

I didn't read it as domestic violence, at any point.

You are making that up.

Peacocklady Wed 09-Jan-13 21:53:40

I think you'll feel a lot better if you just go and say sorry and nothing else and give your dh a hug. Obviously you're feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable at the moment but he may not be able to know that automatically. Tell him directly what he can do rather than being disappointed when he doesn't realise for himself. For now though, go with the sorry and the hug and the feelings and thoughts you're having now will calm down.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:58:36

She got chased off, because it wasn't going her way, she was the one in the wrong and she didn't like being told so.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 21:58:54

proudnscary exactly.

OP has obviously gone which is bloody sad tbh.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:02:06

She admitted she was wrong to throw it, she tried to apologise there and then. But they have issues that perhaps, with some more drip feeding from her, someone on here could gave helped her with.

But instead she got called a drama llama. Nice.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:03:24

She doesn't seem to help the problems though does she? With her totally unreasonable and disgusting actions, and then to be so malodramatic about being shouted at in response ffs! Makes Me angry when there are so many people on here with far bigger problems

waltermittymistletoe Wed 09-Jan-13 22:04:49

Ok the nappy thing is not that big a deal but the reasons for throwing it are. You say you were joking around but then say you were feeling ignored/unloved so not so much a "joke" as a way to get a reaction?

His reaction was bad but not terrible. Ok it burst but if it was wet enough it wouldn't have taken THAT much force to burst it. I'm sorry it went over your son but again I reckon that was an unfortunate coincidence.

The throwing of it in the first place, feeling sick and shaky, crying too much to see your son. Those are the things that worry me about your posts. They do appear disproportionate and I wonder if as someone else said you are depressed?

Would you maybe see your GP tomorrow and have a chat? If we were just talking about a wet nappy I'd say apologise and let him get over it. We all make mistakes. But the nappy throwing doesn't even matter in the scheme of your marriage problems by the sounds of it.

I really think you would benefit from speaking to someone. You're pregnant and in pain. You shouldn't carry all this stress/worry alone.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 22:06:11

"She doesn't seem to help the problems though does she?"

We don't know, and neither do you.

Because she was hounded off here by people with the insight of a block of cheese.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:06:33

nolittle thats a bit harsh, I didn't know your problems have to 'qualify' for advice and support on here.
And how do you know what problems she had, she never even got to tell us.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:08:03

And by 'your' I don't mean you specifically.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:10:34

I stand by my posts, she sounded like a 'mare to live with and a bit princessy IMHO

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:14:33

Athing I've read a lot of threads on here, and some women would beg to be shouted at rather than have what has been done to them. I am sure there are many who would like their partner's responses to be after, something they had done that was actually unreasonable, not just because 'they got in the way' or 'deserved it'. Not saying that problems have to qualify for support, but in context OP's reaction to this 'incident' was fucking ridiculous!!

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:14:39

Fair enough, but you dont know her at all in rl and perhaps she's not actually like that, maybe shes a genuinely depressed unhappy woman with a deep seated issue around her OH that she never got to explain, and her post could've just been a cry for help to people who would tell her the truth yes but help her fix it, not kick her when shes down.

Thats all I was trying to get at.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 09-Jan-13 22:17:06

NoLittleBuddahs - kicking posters when they are down again?

MajesticWhine Wed 09-Jan-13 22:17:23

OP, if you're still reading, I hope you are ok. I don't think what you did was anything worse than a silly mistake. It was not a meaningless act though, as I'm sure you are aware by your mention of passive aggression, I guess it was your attempt to send a message that your DH was not helping out while you were in pain and perhaps he is not pulling his weight. If he is not engaging enough in family life and not giving you the support you need, then you need to tell him pure and simple, then the passive aggressive behaviour will not be necessary. I'm sure you are aware of this. You both really need to talk. It can be hard to communicate how you feel and what you need without blaming each other, but worth a try.

As for the other underlying issue, you seem to fear a flaming because you have not behaved well, but personally I would be happy to respond in a non judgemental way (I'm no saint) so pm me if you like.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:17:27

And physical abuse isnt the only type there is so your 'some women would beg to be shouted at' doesnt hold water with me im afraid.

MorrisZapp Wed 09-Jan-13 22:17:46

Nolittle, your posts are absolutely horrible and totally against the spirit of the relationship board. Why don't you go over to AIBU and assert your 'rightness' there.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:19:05

Have you actually read the thread and my last response Sabrina, or are you just here to attack me again?!

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:20:55

Morris, what's so horrible exactly? Compared to some of the threads I've seen on here about abusive relationships/ Partner's Op's relationship is a fucking picnic

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:21:31

I thought Op's post was against the spirit tbh

waltermittymistletoe Wed 09-Jan-13 22:22:12

It's not on to compare one poster's problems to another though, is it?

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:23:15

I wasn't comparing, I was contextualizing and trying to give perspective

MmeLindor Wed 09-Jan-13 22:23:53

Aren't you a charmer. Hope you don't ever seek any advice on here for your little problems.

Just because someone is worse off, doesn't mean that the problems the OP is dealing with is not upsetting.

I bet you are the kind of person who answers a whinge about a headache with a 'be grateful you don't have a brain tumour'.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 22:24:11

Nolittlebuddha I can almost see the venom dripping off your words. You are stunningly horrible but that's obviously what you get off on so I shan't feed you anymore. I don't think anyone else should engage either.

soulresolution Wed 09-Jan-13 22:24:24

nolittlebuddahs - 'totally unreasonable and disgusting actions' - and you think the OP's reactions are ridiculous??

What the hell is going on here? I'm pretty new but I thought posting in 'relationships' would presuppose some serious problem, some deep upset. If she simply wanted to know whether she was being unreasonable about his reaction she could have posted in AIBU and people could have flamed accordingly.

The way this thread has gone I would certainly think twice about airing any problem here.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:25:19

So to qualify for help on the relationships board you have to be in an abusive relationship?

Come on now you're digging a hole. It might be a picnic to you but its not for her so if you cant think of something supportive why even post.

Its not a competition to see who has the worst relationship.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:25:28

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

waltermittymistletoe Wed 09-Jan-13 22:25:50

Ok but is she is depressed then your contextualising is not going to achieve anything other than making her feel worse. How is that helpful or constructive?

She was wrong. She said, other posters said it. There's a bigger issue so what do you hope to achieve by being nasty to her?

waltermittymistletoe Wed 09-Jan-13 22:27:26


NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:28:00

Urine= human waste. Throwing Nappy containing enough waste to burst into crystals, at the head of someone you are meant to love, out of annoyance, is disgusting and unreasonable.

MmeLindor Wed 09-Jan-13 22:28:35

in my experience, the reaction of MNetters to a thread depends on the first half dozen replies. It could go either way.

Please don't feel that you couldn't ask for advice on MN. This thread shows that at least some of the posters are willing to look past the initial OP and try and help find answers.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:29:05

Its not anout the nappy ffs!

extracrunchy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:29:55

I'm really saddened by the unpleasantness in these responses. This is supposed to be a safe place to constructively discuss issues, and OP, whether she was right or wrong, has just been hounded off.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:30:08

saycheese I never said any of those things. She was being v. self pitying and wanted us to justify her guilt by making DP out to be the bad guy, classic abusers trick.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:31:30

It is about the Nappy, she was being spiteful because she felt ignored, childish

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:32:22

It can only be about the nappy, because we don't know what, if there are other issues

extracrunchy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:32:31

Bloody hell, Nolittle now you're accusing her of being an abuser?! Don't you think you're going a bit too far here?

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 22:32:55

If everyone stops engaging, it might go away

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:33:53

Whats wrong with self pity if you're potentially depressed, suffering from chronic pain and stressed.
Its a pretty common human emotion.

I agree she was wrong to throw it but to call her an abuser? Words fail me.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:34:25

Extra it was abusive.

Proud - you are extremely rude to refer to me as it! ffs

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 09-Jan-13 22:35:11

Good idea Proudnscary.

OP I hope you are ok.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:35:18

Self pity is useless, I say this as someone currently taking AD's btw

soulresolution Wed 09-Jan-13 22:35:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 22:36:18

soulresolution - MN Relationships is a really wonderful resource, full of knowledgable, incisive, caring women with a wide range of experiences and a deep capacity to support and help.

This thread is not typical.

extracrunchy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:37:07

I'm not going to engage any further in this destructive exchange. Mumsnet is supposed to be a POSITIVE environment, not somewhere cowards go to snipe at people they don't know.

saycheeeeeese Wed 09-Jan-13 22:38:28

nolittle hopefully you can catch a grip of yourself someday and stay away from the threads on here that dont warrant your support because their not serious enough in your opinion.

Im away -OP I wish you the best with everything and I hope you and your OH resolve this.

sudaname Wed 09-Jan-13 22:38:34

Tbf it wasnt a case of the OP not getting chance to tell us what the other problems were. She obviously didnt want to tell us (her prerogative) although was asked to elaborate many times after many people asked or suggested about underlying issues. But she would only give detail on the nappy throwing incident, which the majority of people have responded to unfortunately for her feeling she was in the wrong. But in the absence of any clue to these other issues we cant give any opinions or suggestions about them except generic ones i.e. to seek counselling, talk them through with her DH, see her gp, etc. and all of these pieces of advice have been given, from the beginning.

MrsWolowitz Wed 09-Jan-13 22:38:35

OP I'm sorry you're so down.

Maybe namechange and start another thread for support. There have been some very unkind and unnecessary posts.

I hope things are getting sorted with your DH.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:38:54

How dare you call me a 'troll' simply because I don't agree with you, I have reported your post.

OliviaPeacein2013Mumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 09-Jan-13 22:39:35
NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:41:12

saycheese I hope to get better at not replying to BS threads too.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:43:55

Olivia, I think souls post should be removed, she has directly accused me of trolling. Not just a reminder.

MmeLindor Wed 09-Jan-13 22:48:05

you might do well to remember that goading is also against the guidelines.

Can this thread not be locked, as it does the OP no good to come back and read it (if she even returns at all).

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:51:04

MDme, I goaded who? when? I expressed my views and others replied, do you consider RL conversation goading?

EchoBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 23:07:02

MmeLindor is right,this thread should be locked or deleted,the poor woman has repeatedly said she was in the wrong and is sorry for her actions.

She needs support,not beating up,she's 7.5 months pregnant and in tears.

We don't know everything that's going on in her life and it doesn't sound like a bed of roses for either her or her DH.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 09-Jan-13 23:08:05

HoldMe CloserTonyDanza wrote:
"I just want to chime in that in our house, chucking a (dry on the outside, wee, rolled-up) nappy, or some balled-up socks, is not unheard of. For maximum points you have to sneak up on someone and yell "sock attack!". Things are never thrown in anger or hard enough to hurt someone and I always miss.
is normal for us and while I have been towel-attacked in the past when not in the mood my reaction was to say "ugh, no, I'm not in the mood". If my glasses were accidentally knocked off I would be cross and look cross and say crossly "Oi, what are you doing you eejit". Then I would accept the immediately-forthcoming apology.
I realise many MNers would apparently hate to live in my house. That's fine . But there is a massive difference between what we do, what the OP was trying to do, and throwing something in anger at your wife and toddler, so hard it breaks open and covers them with piss.
That would leave me shaken and upset, too, OP. I'm very sorry about this and about the frankly nasty reception you've had here. I hope you've had an apology."

This was closest to my take on all this. Me and dh have a 'horsing around' kind of relationship too, and quite honestly I think I may even have thrown a balled up nappy at him in the past. If it had accidentally hurt him, I would've have immediately run over saying 'Oh so sorry, that was meant to hit your chest' and he's have called me an arse, and laughed. And then proceeded to tickle me to death.

The point here is that there is something much bigger going on than the thrown nappy - OP was clearly upset and distressed and admitted that she was wrong on Page 1 but some Mnetters still just cannot resist putting the boot in.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 09-Jan-13 23:09:04

Yes, and I agree to the locking of this thread - no point allowing the haterz piling in any more.

EchoBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 23:21:38

And i've never seen such a nasty response in relationships,usually it's a topic where ''If you haven't got anything nice/useful/supportive/helpful to say,say nothing at all'' is the norm.

MrsWolowitz Wed 09-Jan-13 23:25:46

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Wed 09-Jan-13 23:38:19

chucks tea towel at Sabrina

OP, if you'd like to have the thread deleted, just ask mnhq. You could name change and start a new topic here in Relationships. Or, just pop back to this thread and talk some more if you like. Please don't be put off by infighting and sniping. The topic is here to be helpful and the vast majority of posters will be.

It can be scary/overwhelming when a thread takes off quickly.

2013go Wed 09-Jan-13 23:45:14

OP, hope you post again, people seemed to go crazy on this thread, but there is a lot of helpful advice on here usually.
FWIW, I don't think urine usually poses a major health hazard, or necessitates a hot shower, as some have suggested

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 23:46:25

Mrsw. I am an adult, so why should I feel ashamed of my opinions. FFs. Note to new posters, only post on MN if you follow the majority, otherwise the pitch forks will be out

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 09-Jan-13 23:48:48

< Yells Sock Attack at HoldMeCloser>


OP, ignore all the nonsense on here. Start another thread on Relationships and try to vocalise the problems in your relationship. Do not mention the balled up nappy.

iclaudius Wed 09-Jan-13 23:49:48

omg hope youbare ok op -

she only threw a nappy - you lot sound a right load of stick in th muds - its not so bad!!!!

EchoBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 23:52:06

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss Buddha,and there are some opinions that people hold that they should be ashamed of.

As for pitchforks,you do seem to be the one holding the biggest one.

You don't have to attack if you don't like an OP,you can just stay away if you have nothing useful to add.

MrsWolowitz Wed 09-Jan-13 23:53:17

Little it's not necessarily your opinions that you should be ashamed of but your aggressive, judgemental and condescending manner in which you give your opinion.

I suspect you know that though and like to consider yourself someone who 'says it like it is' or 'pulls no punches' when actually you are just rude. Either that or you're just after some attention.

Either way, you should reconsider your approach to people. If this thread is anything to go by, it's very unpleasant and could do with some improvement.

Fucking hell what an awful thread what is wrong with some of you

pinguthepenguin Wed 09-Jan-13 23:59:14

Nolittle- your behaviour on this thread has been absolutely disgusting. I'm horrified.

OP I hope you come back and start a new thread.

MadameOvary Thu 10-Jan-13 00:06:54

Definitely NOT MN at its best. It quickly became clear the incident was symptomatic of bigger issues but the OP still got lost in the ensuing bunfight.
OP sounded weary and vulnerable, not entitled and aggressive. Hope this thread gets deleted TBH.

Ihatexmas Thu 10-Jan-13 00:06:54

Jesus, what a bitchfest. Poor OP. There were clearly deeper issues at play here and no need for the harsh comments.

SirBoobAlot Thu 10-Jan-13 00:37:25

Fucking hell, some of you really should be ashamed of the things you have come out with on here. angry

A vulnerable, depressed woman in a relationship that she says is not okay and suffering with chronic pain badly enough for her to have to leave work early posts saying that she did something stupid, and her husband's reaction scared her... And some of you call her an abuser?

Christ of a bloody bike.

OP - that kind of messing around would have been totally normal in one of my old relationships, so understand that it would have been an average thing to do, which then got out of hand.

If you are still reading this, please speak to your midwife about the counselling that was suggested for you; it is possible to suffer from antenatal depression as well as post-natal, and even just having a support network in place to talk through the relationship issues you are (understandably) hesitant to post here may be useful.

Also, have you been offered any physio or water therapy for your SPD? I know how much it hurts, and how miserable it is.

And maybe consider starting a separate thread with a name change if needed to share the bigger issues within your relationship. This thread has been an absolute disgust, but MN is normally a wonderful supportive place to be.

MTBMummy Thu 10-Jan-13 13:01:13

Just wanted to add my support for the OP if she ever comes back.

I completely understand that level of horsing around as DP and I have done it ourselves.

I think your DP's reaction was disproportionate if this is the way you normally just muck about.

Hoping you do find a way to resolve this wonky

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 10-Jan-13 13:29:04

I think that the problem with any sort of physical horseplay is that it can get out of hand, and if the other person is not in the right mood- then there will be tears and shouting and much misunderstandings. Far better if you are angry with your partner, to tell them.
Frankly, if I'd been hit in the face I'd go bloody ballistic- and it wouldn't be very edifying for anybody...

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