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When will I stop feeling so angry?

(49 Posts)
TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 10:21:21

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HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 08-Jan-13 10:28:31

You will stop feeling angry once you've processed that anger. So go ahead and feel it, and express it in safe places: here, to a counsellor, to friends if they are happy to listen to you... Just don't act on that anger, or harm anyone else in the process of releasing it.

You'll be fine. (I'm just under 2 years out and am calm and happy and feel completely emotionless wrt my exh on the rare occasions I see him. It took several months of boiling anger and searing grief, though.)

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 10:38:25

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:00

Why do keep having to see him? Because he sees the DCs? IME that makes it worse because it brings all the unspoken frustrations to the surface, like picking at a scab. If you can find a way to allow access without actually crossing paths you may find it easier to consign him to history.

TeaBrick Tue 08-Jan-13 10:45:58

Could you sort of use the anger to help you keep moving forward in your life, and keep improving things for yourself? Sort of to spur you on. I think anger is helpful in this situation, as it will stop you from going back to him, I used my anger against my ex to keep me from weakening. You could also try physical expressions of anger, like going for a brisk walk or run. It does need to be let out though ime, or you will end up not being able to sleep etc. Accept that you are angry, try not to express that anger to him if you think this would be undignified, but make sure you express it somehow.

SpringIsComing Tue 08-Jan-13 10:48:27

What are you doing to express your anger and get it out? Physical activity could help a lot. Could you run, for example? I used to be very unfit when I tried this and I didn't do it very well, but pushing myself was hugely cathartic. Or buy some really cheap plates at a car boot sale or something and keep them to smash up against an outside wall? Or gardening/clearing plants/chopping wood?

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 10:49:08

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TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 10:50:16

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SpringIsComing Tue 08-Jan-13 10:55:17

Do you like music? Maybe a compilation of 'angry'/women survivor anthems to play loudly while you're on your cross-trainer or in the car too. Enjoy your new cross-trainer smile

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 08-Jan-13 10:57:14

I found it useful also to pound pillows and scream into them, throw crockery at a garden wall... With no-one else around of course.

So, are you still seeing more of him than you would like because that's what he wants to keep his dream alive of getting you back someday? You don't need to play a role in someone else's fantasy, you know.

You are perfectly entitled to have a netural 3d party do handovers for his time with the children. Re: the business: can you work from home?

This situation does not sound tenable, if he still gets to see more of you than you would like, and you feel stuck into letting it happen. Don't feel stuck: find the solutions that would give you the space you want and need. Including cutting contact with him if you want to.

TeaBrick Tue 08-Jan-13 11:00:32

I remember feeling uncontrollably and overwhelmingly angry. I think from experience that the best thing to do is just to accept that you are going to feel angry. It will pass, but you may stop feeling angry for a while, then become angry again. I think women are often discouraged from being angry. I know my mum often tries to close me down if I express angry feelings (my anger about certain things can be a bit frightening though!). Anger is a useful emotion, because it will hopefully keep you resolute about not taking your ex back, as it sounds like this will be an issue for you in the future if he is expecting another chance. So you can use your anger wisely to stop you from falling into that trap. And you've got every right to be angry after 16 years of horrible abuse, I feel angry about it and I don't even know you. Well done for getting out. Onwards and upwards.

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:00:37

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LemonDrizzled Tue 08-Jan-13 11:01:14

Two years ago I was as angry as you and thought it would consume me. But just accepting how I felt and burning the adrenaline with exercise and mildly perilous hobbies helped a lot. Also I had some very patient friends who let me rant over and over again until one day I realised I wasn't angry any more.
Now I actually feel a bit sorry for XH as I have healed and he hasn't.
Be patient and kind to yourself and it will pass. This is a process of recovery and you are moving along!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 11:03:55

"I'm reluctant to start the ball rolling as I feel if I did that he would stop going to the course "

You realise that if that's the way things pan out, he'd forfeit the right to have a relationship with the DCs completely and that could achieve your 'drop off the face of the earth' ambition? Sometimes I think it's a case of giving someone enough rope to hang himself.

AlwaysDreaming Tue 08-Jan-13 11:10:38

Another one here who is all to familiar with that rage . I thought at one point i would actually kill him .

What really helped me was keeping a kind of journal . In it i would write all the things i wanted to say to him , and i would rage about all the horrible things that had happened .

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:14:36

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 11:16:15

You were raped. You are standing on the Everest of moral high grounds whatever you choose to do next.

springyhope Tue 08-Jan-13 11:17:50

baseball bat. Whack cushions, the bed. Let it out. It is amazingly cathartic and healing. Shocking what you end up saying (screaming!) but it's a time for the anger to come out in a safe place. Push past feeling a fool for doing it. Actually, it only takes a few moments for the anger to show up in full splendour.

I was so angry with my abusive ex that I quaked inside. I remember realising that's why the Quakers got their name. I talked to someone yesterday - a therapist of sorts - who said that not many people have full-blown PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), though many of us from abusive relationships certainly have lingering trauma (and I was talking to her about my abusive relationship that ended over 20 years ago..). However, your accounts of flashbacks could point to PTSD; also almost a physical inability to talk about the details etc.

Is it possible for you to get your own therapist? perhaps even alongside the therapist from the perp programme. I would also highly recommend a support group for victims of domestic abuse, which was a huge help for me: people you can talk to and you don't have to explain or apologise or hold it in or try to soften it. People who really do understand because you're all in the same boat, trying to recover from the horror. In my group, we laughed a lot (as well as cried a lot and shook a lot).

The anger is perfectly normal and healthy in the circs. YOu have to let it out, it's important you do let it out. Find any and every way to pound/punch/push/exert etc. Have you seen your GP about what you're going through?

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:18:11

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fubbsy Tue 08-Jan-13 11:18:37

Yes but if he stops going, it will be his decision not yours. He is a grown up and responsible for himself.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 08-Jan-13 11:19:13

It doesn't matter what they think or say of you: that is not what defines you.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 08-Jan-13 11:19:27

If, by the time he's completed the programme, he doesn't understand that you have a perfect right to still walk away, then the programme didn't work. (See ch14 of "Why Does He Do That?")

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:23:27

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 11:24:04

"But other people don't know that. So they won't see my everest "

I could understand keeping a secret if it benefited you. But I don't understand why you'd keep his secret when it only benefits him, a rapist.... especially if it means others judge you harshly.

Become #1 in your own life. Be #2 to no-one.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 11:24:54


A religious rapist?...

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:25:10

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springyhope Tue 08-Jan-13 11:25:25

if you mean by 'unchristian', like, proper christian, then I'm a fucking christian (and so was he - MAJOR headfuck!). I've learnt a lot about forgiveness, what it is and what it isn't. You've got to be real - if you are blowing all gaskets it is hugely unhealthy to pretend you're not because of some misguided religious shit. God can't get to you if you cover the truth up with that shit.

The Boundaries book by Dr Henry Cloud is very good for looking at erm boundaries, written from a christian context (actually, universal but that's by the by). HIghly recommended.

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:26:29

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 11:26:53

His sister, the MH nurse, does she know he's a rapist?

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:29:59

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TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:31:39

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TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:33:16

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 11:36:08

To answer your original question. I think you will stop feeling so frustrated when you take steps to end this. This limbo situation where this 'pillar of society' has everyone conned that he is a decent bloke while he goes through the motions of a course is why you are angry. He is still exercising control, calling the shots and you are simply at the mercy of events. Being in that situation automatically puts you under great stress.

Once you feel in control of your own life you may not feel less angry but you'll feel far more positive. And 'control' means everything from starting divorce proceedings to telling your story, without shame or guilt, to those you want to hear it. No-one else - especially him - matters.

springyhope Tue 08-Jan-13 11:45:40

This one. Great book.

It's going to be a case now of you training up every which way - books, classes, groups, therapy etc. Womens Aid, a vital port of call. If you've got the two of them trying to stitch you up then you need everything in your armoury. You can do this. I did and so can you (I was also being stitched up).

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:49:05

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TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 11:54:12

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quirk Tue 08-Jan-13 11:54:46

Can you take steps to leave the business and get some space that way? Worried you are going to get back with him.
I can see why you don't want people to know what he did to you, especially when he is still very much in your life.
It would be easier to disconnect and not feel worried about what people think of you if you are not having any contact with him or his sister. Can you work towards that?

springyhope Tue 08-Jan-13 12:03:54

I was going to say the 12yo needs support but, please oh please, don't go to CAMHS. That's all I'm saying, don't go to CAMHS. Get some family therapy, or therapy/support for her, but pay for it. Don't go to CAMHS. did I say that already. Just checking.

I recently attended the Freedom Programme (for the eleventieth time) and a woman was there with her 16yo daughter. Both there because of the same man ie the woman's partner, the 16yo's dad.

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 12:06:50

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Anniegetyourgun Tue 08-Jan-13 12:16:11

Ha! He really doesn't sound like someone who will take the whole spirit of the course on board and learn how not to abuse. DD2 is not really going to understand this for a while, though. She just wants everything to be all right, just as it was before only without the abusing, and who can blame her? Now is probably not a great time to do more than very gently manage her expectations.

Springy, I should very much like to explore your negative view of CAMHS (by PM if you are more comfortable with that). I have to say our experience of them so far has been excellent. I was assuming that we are lucky enough to have the Right Sort Of People working for them in our area, like how some SS are brilliant whilst others are abysmal, but maybe I'm deluding myself...

arthriticfingers Tue 08-Jan-13 12:20:55

Hi Leclerc
Just wanted to say hi, here.
Also wanted to say that you should congratulate yourself every morning and every evening for having had the strength to get him out.
It took me 30 years, and, even then, it was me who left blush
So, bloody well done you!
There is still so much anger we direct against ourselves for not leaving. That is the anger that has to go first.
All the rest takes time. I forget who suggested the baseball bat, but I feel that it will be a long while before I can be trusted with one within 100 miles of FW wink

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 12:25:45

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TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 12:26:36

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springyhope Tue 08-Jan-13 12:57:51

MIND sounds great. Just not CAMHS <shudder> . I am coming out about CAMHS because I have discovered I am not the only one to be chewed up and left for dead, my family in ruins (when we were pretty rough to begin with) - there are, sadly, very many of us. We should set up a CAMHS survivors support group. I'm very glad to hear you are having a positive experience Annie - sincerely yay. Luck of the draw imo - or russian roulette, more like.

<shudders again>

Anniegetyourgun Tue 08-Jan-13 13:49:45


struwelpeter Tue 08-Jan-13 14:12:44

It's a horrible cliche and believe me I didn't believe it but time and distance do help. Get more other stuff in your life - friends, new friends, other single parents, the Freedom Programme, ask the perp programme if they offer any courses for partners or exes.
Throw everything you can at healing yourself and your DCs. It's taken me two courses and loads of counselling to get to a much happier place. On the way I've found some good friends and have gradually put the DA I experienced into perspective. Some bits worse than others, some bits not so bad.
Anger is fine as long as you get it out somewhere safe i.e. not in front of him. Icy coldness is far better.
And with counselling only people who understand and are trained in the after effects of DA will get it.
Btw I was told the courses are long for a reason - it takes a long time to get those on them to even begin to look at things from another's perspective. Sounds like you are not being overly optimistic, but try not to be affected by his fantasy of how things are going to work out in the end.

TisILeclerc Tue 08-Jan-13 19:28:11

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springyhope Wed 09-Jan-13 12:44:10

Glad you're feeling a bit better TisI smile

rant/rage etc on here if it helps in future. We're here.

CheeseStrawWars Wed 09-Jan-13 13:07:53

"I'm reluctant to start the ball rolling as I feel if I did that he would stop going to the course "

He should be motivated to do the course because he recognises his behaviour is wrong - and has a detrimental effect on those around him, especially his DC. Not because it's another way to manipulate you into getting back with him. If he takes it seriously and wants to change, he'd stick with the programme regardless. If he isn't taking it seriously, then what's the point?

He's not owned his problem and taken responsibility for his actions, other than signing up for this programme - his emails to his sister, and failure to offer meaningful apologies tallies with that. From what you say it feels like something done to pacify you, rather than coming from a genuine desire to change. Whether he drops out or not is not your problem. If he drops out = his choice. Not your fault.

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