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Why do I act so mental around men I like?? (possibly long)

(39 Posts)
HeartShapedSaw Mon 07-Jan-13 16:21:45

Im pretty normal (I think!) and as soon as I am in a relationship with someone Im quite a relaxed girlfriend, dont expect constant contact, in fact I prefer a fair amount of space and have no problem with seeing someone two or three times a week etc.

However, I seem to have developed a very uncool attitude to new men. I dont know why I do it! Its possible I have trust issues etc from bad 3yr relationship with ex, but not that Im aware of..

Anyway, Ill give you an example. I met a guy, we went on a date, the date was lovely, we text for a few days, he was telling me he really liked me etc. Then he cancelled our second date on the morning of it, saying his mum was ill or something similarly vague. I text him saying ok thats fine. Then crazy me kicked in and I asked him if he was politely blowing me off. To which he said no, no he would see me soon.

Then, nothing for a week. So I text him today (crazy me again) and just asked him to thank his friend again for me (he had done me a favour the day after I met them). I was genuinely just being nice, I assumed he had decided to take it no further with me so I was just passing on my thanks. But then he asked me if I wanted to go out again soon. I said yes.

But Im confused a little now. I know everyone I know would have told me not to text him today, and I know I shouldnt have accused him of trying to blow me off coz he cancelled one date! So what the hell is up with me? Anyone else behave like a nutter??

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Jan-13 16:31:31

No... never.... always perfectly together.... hmm <rushes off to extinguish burning pants>

Convict224 Mon 07-Jan-13 16:36:43

(....can I smell burning...???)

Look OP, you need to bitchslap the Crazy You and disengage.

Yes, step away from the man, there's nothing to see.

As my dear old Mum used to say, Que Sera Sera. (Yes I am Doris Day's secret love child...)

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Jan-13 16:48:08

I have a terrible confession to make which is that I can be Super Batshit Crazy Head-fuck Woman. Learned it at my mother's knee and, like all super-powers, I've had to consciously resist using it for evil. An old boyfriend from my teen years (who is remarkably still talking to me) remembers a particularly scary example I messed him up with which I, like all good psychopaths, have completely forgotten! Trouble was that I married a lump of Kryptonite and my powers failed me when I really needed them... confused

Convict224 Mon 07-Jan-13 17:07:44

Super powers, eh? They always let you down when you really need them. A bit like men....well my exh anyway.

So, OP, lots of us should admit to being a little Crazy Me, yup, me too

(...wanders off hoping a particular ex has forgotton about my existance..)

sarahseashell Mon 07-Jan-13 19:27:45

delete this man's number! if he wants to go out with you he'll be in touch! remember the men you don't want to go out with and they can't stay away? well he's got just as much of a memory as they have so if he wanted to be going out with you he would be. DELETE HIM

sparklyjumper Mon 07-Jan-13 20:52:59

I've never really done dating. Both of my relationships have developed from friendships into relationships.

I did go on one date once but binned him off after the first date, despite it going well he gave me bad vibes. He'd text, and then text 'hello?' half an hour later, and I got the impression there were issues with his ex.

The thought of 'dating' a completely new person scares me. I guess at that early stage there's no attachment so nothing to lose, I'd also have no problem asking a guy on a date wouldn't need to wait to be asked, but wouldn't keep asking iyswim?

Hearts, you're not mental smile

I am exactly the same. With one minor difference, I wouldn't have text. But it would have bloody killed me not to! smile

HeartShapedSaw Tue 08-Jan-13 20:15:32

Haha glad to see Im not the only one!

I dont get it though. Surely I wasnt crazy to assume I had been ditched if he cancelled a date and then didnt contact me for a week!

Since he asked me for the second date he hasnt been in touch to arrange it.. I dont think Im wrong to doubt it..

RedBushedT Tue 08-Jan-13 21:15:44

I'm guilty of the crazy too.
The more I like someone, the more my brain seems determined to fuck it up.
My crazy super power is bizarre paranoia & jealousy.
I'm only just discovering this now though, with my new bloke. Never really been the jealous type before so I'm struggling with dealing with it in a same manner.

I find imposing strict rules for myself helps. So no texting if he hasn't responded to my last message wink

I never break these rules ahem

HeartShapedSaw Thu 10-Jan-13 13:15:36

Its fricking gay.

I have given up on him anyway now. He asked if I wanted to meet up when I text him last, which was on monday, and he said he would text later to arrange, which he hasnt. I can only assume he is not interested!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jan-13 13:28:11

He may be interested, he may not be. Who knows? It's all a bit casual really isn't it? The only response to that kind of person is to go back to living like a carefree singleton. If they do get back in contact, see if you can find a window in your busy diary....oh... no you can't!

MrsWolowitz Thu 10-Jan-13 13:31:25

There's nothing wrong with you. You asked a question outright rather than dwell on it and worry about it privately. I don't think you did anything wrong.

As an aside, please try not to say things like mental, crazy or nutter. They're quite offensive terms although I'm sure you didn't mean any offence at all. (I'm not a member of the professionally offended brigade, I've just been diagnosed as bipolar and these sorts of words are quite damaging).

Anyway, hope everything works out with this chap. It's a very good sign that he wants another date smile

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 13:33:54

Blame it on your hormones. Research has shown that the hormonal effect on brain chemistry in the early stages of love/lust are not dissimilar to a lot of mental illness. grin

It's fine to think 'mental', it's how you allow it out that matters. So don't worry about obsessing about it, just make sure you're happy with what you do.

And FWIW, screw the 'rules' and 'don't ask if he's interested because he'll feel under pressure' and all that crap. Might be true if you're pursuing a male with the emotional intelligence of a slug, but a normal, decent guy won't be put off (and most actually love it). If you're asking what colour wedding invitations to go for however...

MarilynValentine Thu 10-Jan-13 13:43:15

I agree he doesn't sound interested unfortunately. But I don't think you've behaved inappropriately - you've been nice and honest. You just sound confused because he said one thing (not dumping you, definitely wants to meet up) and doing another (blanket radio silence).

Don't bother with him.

Er, also - using 'gay' as a pejorative makes you sound like a dick.

shine0ncrazydiamond Thu 10-Jan-13 17:06:48

Well, I wouldn't be offended by words such as nutter or crazy < and I am pretty sure I would feel the same if I was suffering mental health issues > but 'gay' makes you sound a bit daft.

Anyway, I don't think you're crazy. I think this man is not interested. Concentrate on his actions and not his words. If he is not calling or texting you on a daily/frequent basis - he's not interested.

Greer123 Thu 10-Jan-13 17:18:50

Too deep, too fast! He's got a life that doesn't revolve around you yet. Maybe he's in a relationship with someone else and needs to "disengage" first? Not always easy if the girl is needy.... Could be any one of a number of things going on in his life. You only had a date so you don't own him - maybe he likes you.... and ten other girls he happened to take out to dinner? Too deep, too fast scares guys off like no other...

So ok, if he comes back and shows some genuine interest then great but meanwhile you're back on the market right? His loss if he doesn't follow up.

MrsWolowitz Thu 10-Jan-13 17:24:34

Shine that's nice that you don't find them offensive. The fact remains that they are derogatory terms and do offend some people.

shine0ncrazydiamond Thu 10-Jan-13 18:39:21

Well yes. And it's not nice that you do find them offensive. A word like ' nutter ' though is generally not regarded as offensive. Unless you're easily offended

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 18:43:49

Where do we stand on bonkers and batshit?

MrsWolowitz Thu 10-Jan-13 18:46:02

You seriously have to ask if batshit is offensive? Seriously?

How about retard or spastic? Do you think they are ok? Of course not, they are derogatory even when said in jest.

shine0ncrazydiamond Thu 10-Jan-13 18:47:41

Batshit isn't offensive. Or is it ? Eek. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be offended by that.

Yes of bloody course retard etc is offensive. But Christ - if we all got our knickers in a twist over loon or nutter then we'd never get a thing done

TheSecondComing Thu 10-Jan-13 18:48:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 18:53:45

Loop the loop? Should we boycott Patsy Cline?

MrsWolowitz Thu 10-Jan-13 18:58:23


Well, I've just been diagnosed with a major MH issue and was feeling confident about my return to work and being open about it but now not so much.

Fuck. sad

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 19:00:52

I think you are going to have to accept that words and phrases are just part of the vernacular of our speech. Which is obviously different from disablist language screeched at children with special needs to abuse and intimidate them.

MrsWolowitz Thu 10-Jan-13 19:07:30

Not so long ago mong retard and spaz were part of the vernacular of our speech. They weren't just screeched at children with SN but were used in est. "oh I'm such a spaz", "don't be such a retard", "shes such a mong".

Thankfully these words are now very rarely used in such frequency.

Its a shame MH is still a free-for-all to use derogatory terms for fun.

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 19:13:14

No they weren't. They have always been terms of abuse. They aren't in any pop songs, for example. I think you are mistaken to lump all these words in the same category.

shine0ncrazydiamond Thu 10-Jan-13 19:14:14

Do you want people to tiptoe around you mrsW ? Scared to say the word ' batshit ? '

Or do you want to be treated normally - as a person who just so happens to have an illness ?

MrsWolowitz Thu 10-Jan-13 19:16:47

I wasn't aware that being in a pop song was what made a word ok or not.

They absolutley were used in the way that I gave in my examples.

Either way I'm not mentally strong enough to carry on with this conversation as I'm finding it upsetting. I guess I'm too much of a mental nutter what with my depression shitting all over me for me to continue.

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 19:23:54

I'm sure a court of law might not accept the pop song test, but as an informal measure and mark of our culture, it is fine as an example, yes. Bonkers and crazy are words in common usage, deemed inoffensive by the majority of people. Hence pop songs that use them, for example, would be unlikely to inspire a twitter campaign to boycott them. Whereas some of the other terms you mention would clearly have a large number of people up in arms. Words like spaz etc have never held that commonly-acceptable status, even if people wishing to be derogatory or abusive have used them. I'm not sure I understand why you don't see the difference?

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 19:26:22

I'm sorry you feel upset, obviously, and hope you start to feel better soon. I can't agree with you on whether some of the terms you are offended by should be expunged from everyday speech though. Good luck back at work.

MrsWolowitz Thu 10-Jan-13 19:28:32

Thank you BOF. I'm looking forward to going back (I think).

I'm terrified of having those words said about me though. Terrified.

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 19:32:34

I don't they will, you know. People tend to use them in humour about perfectly normal behaviour, referring to themselves a lot of the time. They don't really get used by your averagely polite person to actually talk about/at people with MH issues. I hope work goes well tomorrow- keep us posted how you get on? smile

HeartShapedSaw Thu 10-Jan-13 20:01:03

OK, firstly, Im sorry if I offended anyone with my language, I didnt think. And I know that gay is a crap word to use, I never use it! Dont know what came over me!

Whoever said, maybe the guy is in another relationship/dating loads of other girls so I should give him a break - what? I dont want to be with someone like that! If thats the case he can eff off anyway.

Also, yes I know he has his own life. All i was trying to establish is whether i should wait around (not literally) for another text or whether i should delete him number and forget about him. We only had one date, I hardly know him, but i also dont appreciate being told one thing and then just ignored.

I have put it all to bed now anyway, he is done with!

TheBOF Thu 10-Jan-13 20:09:42

Probably for the best. It doesn't make you feel great when you feel like you have to pester someone for their attention.

FeelingGreen Thu 10-Jan-13 20:10:10

Op - you know what to do- no more texts! (Much harder said than done though! I may have just today sent a text I should have stopped myself sending blush)

Re the words used, agree with theBOF, I use words like crazy, bonkers etc about silly things done by normal people. I would never speak unkindly about someone with mental health issues. I have struggled with anorexia, depression and had a nervous breakdown in the past. I actually think highly of people fighting mental health problems and truly admire those with the courage to speak openly about them.

Greer123 Fri 11-Jan-13 15:12:58

"Whoever said, maybe the guy is in another relationship/dating loads of other girls so I should give him a break - what? I dont want to be with someone like that! If thats the case he can eff off anyway"

Ah, there's your problem right there. He takes you out to dinner ONCE and now you think you own him, to the exclusion of all others.

I've got two grown-up sons. They take girls out to dinner, but all it means is "I like you and I'd like to get to know you better". But girls often seem to think it means "I'm falling in love with you and I've lost all interest in other women".

Internet dating doesn't assume exclusive dinner dating, nor does speed dating, nor singles dating? You get to know people better over a dinner, or a few dinners and then maybe a relationship takes off and gets deeper and becomes exclusive. This works better for women anyway, because we waste less time with guys that turn out to be jerks.

HeartShapedSaw Sat 12-Jan-13 12:29:12

When did I say I thought I had exclusive rights to him!

Jesus. I just don't want to date someone who dates multiple women at the same time. He may have only been on one date with me, but what about the others? He might be 4, 9 or more dates in and I don't think its ever acceptable to lie to someone you're supposed to like.

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