Mumsnet Talk

Perhaps I'm being unreasonable (go ahead and say so if I am) or maybe he's unusually clumsy, but my partner seems to manage to break, damage or ruin a surprisingly large number of my precioussssssss things. Most things I'm fairly laid back about (he can smash all the glassware he likes), but there are a few things I'd like to keep nice (souvenir tea towel first ever use to wipe out half-washed fry-up pan). Or functioning (saved-for knitting needle set sat on and snapped). Or intact (my sanity, severely frayed by events I'm about to relate).

Today, ferinstance, I was blocking a lace shawl (for those who don't knit, this represents perhaps a hundred hours work and blocking is the very last stage of making it beautiful. Imagine a delicate cashemere sweater if that helps you wince properly in a minute) and asked for a little help. In a cock up of slapstick proportions, he managed to drag an angry cat across the lace.

So the shawl is in time out, as I'm not sure it can be fixed without undoing and redoing a quarter of it (so, 25 hours work to redo, plus the border, plus careful undoing of at least another couple hours) and I'm not going to bed as I'm still mad at him.

The thing that bugs me about this is that he screws up, says 'Oops, I'm sorry, it was an accident' and gets to wander off while I fix it. Honestly, I really want to throw it in his face (it's got about 50 dressmaker's pins in it at the moment, if I was feeling kinder I'd take those out first) and scream. And maybe smash a few of his preciousssssssssss things for a change.

But that doesn't seem very reasonable. Still, the idea of some sort of punishment is awfully tempting - I'd love to be able to drive home exactly how pissed off and upset I am without actually screaming loud enough to wake the rest of the household up. And ideally without resorting to the pettier thoughts going through my mind, like dragging an angry cat across him, to see how he likes it...

Any help??

at souvenir teatowel.

Sounds like you're being a leeetle too reasonable. Do you often feel like he hasn't got much respect for you? <curious>

Sorry, nothing constructive to add but you've just given me the first good laugh I've had in ages!

yeah, I'm struggling to get past the tea towel tbh.

wtf is it a souvenir of?

<misses point of thread>

Surely you knew you were asking for trouble asking him to help you with the lace??!!

Does he break other peoples stuff? His own stuff? General household stuff? Or just yours?

If just yours, are you untidy, leave things in daft places, or does he go out of his way to have an accident with your belongings?

I'm a knitter. I would have a major melt down if DP did this. Well done for staying calm enough to serve revenge cold!

I'd say burst all his tyres and tell him you fell (four times in four different places) while carrying said needles, and ....oops... they went into the tyres
Alternatively pee in the bed and say the cat got so angry, it peed itself make sure spare bed made up.. for you
There's always a way OP, just find something he likes and make sure it comes to 'accidental' harm

CTB

(castrate the bastard)

I'm with you on the tea towel, I got one with DCs handprints on from school. DH used it to wipe up paint. Apart from the fact that it was a keepsake from DCs reception year, it cost 15 sodding quid

I'd be annoyed that he's careless with stuff that's special to you.

What Seabright said.

if he is as notorious as you say he is, i am afraid to say that this is your own fault!

that is not to say, that you shouldn't be pissed off - of course you should.

However an accident is an accident.

I have an accident prone 19 YO daughter, who today broke a window. - i mean for fucks sake. but i just rolled my eyes and got her to clean up the glass - an accident is an accident

LTB

HTH

He needs to spend 25 hours making it up to you, by doing something you normally would around the house... Hoovering, cleaning, grocery shopping, that kind of boring shite.

Dp knows better than to even breathe near my crochet unless specifically invited and isn't a disrespectful, clumsy oaf in the first place

If he sat on the needles then I guess they were laid on a chair - not really the place for it tbh. Same with something spent hour working on, as you know what he's like, don't leave it to fate and store it away if not working on it at the time. I think some personal responsibility is required here too. Having said that, I have a cat and would not drag it anywhere :-0. Seem a bit odd that

re: tea towel, oh god, I know it's stupid. perhaps 'souvenir' is the wrong word in English? anyway, I bought one with a saying, trying to turn a really shit day at work around. Which worked, for a while! sad, I know!

@nutella no, heaps of respect both ways. He's just got a strong negative reaction to anything approaching a raised voice, whereas in my family shouting is how you say hello. I try not to poke the phobia but do struggle to find other ways to express upset without sounding like a robot. "I am dis-plea-sed with the cu-rent sit-u-a-tion. Plea-se change it."

@Spider happy to help, I think ;)

@Sea he breaks plenty of stuff, his too. Doesn't go out of his way to have an 'accident'. I'm the neater one of the two, not a neat freak but we don't have much stuff and I tend to leave stuff in the same places (e.g. knitting will usually be on the sofa if I am). He just doesn't usually care much about the stuff of his he breaks, he's usually got money to throw at it if it's household stuff or a dent in the car.

@Pepsi yeah, I'm in the middle of knitting him gloves (gloves! with fingers! argh! did I mention I hate weaving in ends?) for his birthday and am seriously tempted to do something terrible to them. But I have my (knitterly) pride.

I would find a place for those knitting needles, put it that way.

@Purple tempting suggestion! May try it, no laundry 'til May...

@best knitting needles, like books/laptops/etc are frequently on chairs/sofas as that's where they're often used. If you live with a knitter, you learn to look down. (He's just lucky he didn't sit on the metal spikes I call 'sock needles')

He was actually trying to get the cat away from the knitting eyeroll He's really not bad hearted, just foolish and possibly ferociously unlucky. As am I, and the cat is certainly feeling put upon as has been banished to garage (don't worry, has cat flap plus food).

Anyway, thank you all for responding - you've cheered me up enough to go talk to him again.

I think that he is obviously clumsy/careless, and as this is the case, there is not much you can do in general except try to damage control - keep things you don't want broken or spoiled out of his way (like the special dishtowel!).

However, in the case of your knitting (I knit too but I am not as good as you yet - haven't been able to keep track of a lace pattern!) - he needs to understand just how disastrous this accident really was. He needs to be really sorry. He needs to feel guilty and actually try to make it up to you, not just wander off . If I were you I would start crying. Heart rending sobs. Or quiet, exhausted, I-can't-take-this-anymore sobs. And if he doesn't apologise big time, I would go nuclear.

Sorry about the shawl, hope you can sort it.

Why was the cat so angry?

You don't express anger because he doesn't like shouting?

It's an accident. He didn't do it on purpose. Stop infanalising him.

You don't express anger because he doesn't like shouting?

Switch roles - man shouts at woman for breaking something - and everyone would be playing the 'EA' card.

How exactly do you manage to go through life without getting cross occasionally?! The op is suppressing her natural feelings and reactions because he doesn't like it; that's not healthy.

Once is an accident. Several times is careless and disrespectful and he should have learned by ny now!

It's not the cat's fault! Why the hell is it being punished?

What was his reaction to all of these misadventures? Does he know you're upset?

I used to live with a bloke like this - constantly breaking stuff when he washed up, everytime he used the washing machine things turned out the wrong shape/colour even though he swore he'd done exactly what he was supposed to, we couldn't have bleach in the house because he'd pour it on something, he'd leave a hot tap running and then go away for 3 days - i'd come back to a steamy house, clanking boiler and no hot water. "My bad" was his usual response. It was worse than dealing with a child. He'd also sit on things.

I had to finish it in the end, I got so stressed at wondering what was going to go wrong next. And he had a high powered job and a scratchless car - so his 'forgetfulness' felt targeted ... he didn't dent his car or break things at work.

oh my fucking god! leave the bastard! I'm a knitter and are not sure I'd recover. in fact I'm surprised you didn' t assassinate DH and cat on the spot.

Thanks for cheering me up last night, I needed to be able to get a bit of distance because it is such a lot of work which has been ruined, and it was rather too late at night to phone a friend.

He is really sorry this time, I think he's realised that this one was a biggie, and can't be fixed easily.

I know it was an accident - I just find it frustrating how often these happen, and I wish there was some way to avoid them or for him to make amends in a reasonable way, as I don't trash his stuff (again, not with any great effort on my part, it just doesn't happen). I think it's like being automatically neat / seeing the dirt in the bathroom / hating sprouts / marmite etc - whichever side you're on, it's hard to understand the other.

I believe there are other ways to express being angry / upset / frustrated / happy / excited than by yelling - they just weren't modeled much in my house! (Very loving family, just loud.) So alternatives seem a little forced/fake to me as I have to reach for them. But I love him very much, and he loves me too and is a really good guy (yeah, I was ranting earlier, perhaps I should have made that explicit?) so try to keep things at a volume which doesn't make him twitch.

Cat was cross as she'd managed to sneak into spare room (where she isn't supposed to be) and sleep on the bed (not allowed) and got suddenly removed when spotted (decided to come see the knitting and all the shiny pins, am just glad I was there when she took a look, so many pins and she'll lick / rub against anything...). Her terrible punishment was to be put out half an hour early -- I think she'll be fine.

Why don't you sew a 6th finger onto one of the gloves and then insist he wear them every day not to hurt your feelings? After the winter you can tell him that the sixth finger was his cross to bear for ruining your knitting.

Ah, see I'm a firm, quiet fury person - but trashing something like your shawl would provoke a rare (years between them) screaming fit tbh!

My h used to do this really annoying thing, where he would lose something we needed, and if I asked what had happened to/where was ...., he would just shrug and deny all knowledge.

I put up with this rather crossly for a long time. Finally I had a tantrum and pointed out that I understood quite clearly that it just meant "I've lost it; you find it", I'm too important ". It would often be a school letter or a bill or something we really needed to find.

He does it far less now, and when he does I leave the issue with him more often . Those sorts of examples are just about refusing to take responsibility. Breaking lots if stuff might mean the same eg I can't be bothered to worry about your time/things/effort.

My experience with a DH who can't cope with shouting at all.

You learn. You just learn to express yourself in a different way, wo shouting. It feels wrong to start with, I felt like a fraud and I was convinced DH couldn't get how important it was when I am speaking like this.
Turns out he actually listen more when I manage to stay calm.

For things that are important to you, put them away. As you are normally tidy, it should be easy for you. Make it clear what is important to you (eg this tea towel but not the others). Don't mix important and unimportant stuff (eg tea towel again).
Oh and let him sort out the problem he has created (Ok not feasible for your knitting) but you see what I mean.
A needle has been broken. He is going to buy a new one.
Tea towel really dirty, he is the one to clean it.
etc...

I agree with Missing.

Ideally, we would all deal with eachother without shouting anyway.

And some accidents can be avoided by us being a bit careful with our things as well (eg. knitting needles on sofa).

Regarding the knitting, why were you dealing with it within reach of the cat, if it was that precious?

Also try using analogy. Your knitting may seem small to him but explain that it is like if he'd just painted the whole outside of your house and then you threw a bloody mary out of the attic window.

I was about to ask wh the hell you'd want to punish your partner, until I read what he did

He owes you bigtime.

Actually, what did he do?

There was an angry cat around a precious shawl (why???) and, apparently, while trying to protect said shawl, H managed to make it worse.

I usually put the cat away in "his" room when I have to deal with potential disasters (recent examples: sofa being delivered, and cat loving to be around people's legs, or sofa being treated and cat loving to sit on it).

Did your H pick up the cat and drop it on your shawl, or did he scare the cat?

And why on earth would you ask an accident prone person to help you with delicate and precious stuff?

No need for that, Hilary

Delilah, more like he restored a classic car and she spilled paintstripper on it!

I like analogies...

He trained for a marathon, she lost his running shoes the night before the event.

He saved for a year to buy an iPad, she spent the money buying cocktails for strangers on a girl's night out

Then shrugged, said "Oops, sorry" and expected to carry on as usual

We need the full story from the OP before deciding whose fault it actually was.
I'm not convinced it was 100% the husband...

You might be need to accept that he's clumsy. I have a couple of clumsy people in my family and it drives me crazy. I have since learnt that the carelessness can be a sign of an attention deficit problem which is something i already suspected those in my family to have. So they can't pay attention to everything at once so things get trod on, forks get swept into the bin along with the food off a plate, they walk in the road without looking, cant seem to see things right under their nose, can't do stuff in an ordered way etc etc etc.

Drives me nuts.

I was also thinking 6th finger on gloves....

As a terrible clumsy oaf myself op, I do have some sympathy for your dh and am a little surprised that knowing him as you do you let him anywhere near your lacework

Dh probably thinks I am too laissez faire about my many misshaps but what can I do? I hate the fact that I have broken his Liverpool mug and I dropped the digital camera in the sea and spilt coffee on his keyboard (in the last year) and countless other things over the years But when you do these things and it is NOT on purpose the embarrassment turns inward and you have to put a brave face on it or never get out of bed again for fear of the next disaster. This is purely my experience and obv your dh may be an utter arse and all that but being a clumsy twat is a curse I tells you, I certainly don't feel good about it,

Personally I would get the think he loves most and ruin it, say "oops sorry it was an accident" and walk away, repeat until he learns some respect or stops being such a clumsy moron

I am really shocked by some of the posts on this thread - revenge; deliberately damaging a partner's things of value; "bitch"; "moron"

Bigmouth are you really laissez faire about the mishaps and stuff you've broken of DP's? What did you do when you broke them? Apologise and replace or just shrug it off?

How much of your own stuff do you damage?

Someone who is naturally very clumsy (like my relations i mentioned up ^ there) can't just learn not to be! And punishing them isn't going to help them learn to be either!

I don't buy stuff that is likely to get broken or be upsetting if it gets ruined. So I don't have (unlike DH) hand wash only clothes; an iPhone; expensive electronics etc etc. I just don't do that. And I never ever leave my knitting in front of the kids - that would be setting them up for disaster

helen I don't think I am - he rants, I cry apologise, try to make ammends but also try not to let it ruin the holiday. As far as replacing things I am the non earning partner so he is in effect paying for replacements. I never set out to break things and am as careful as I can be. When I am pre menstrual it is really bad, I have difficulty walking in a straight line and drop things, I don't want to be lije this but I am and shouting at me doesn't help, breaking my stuff in revenge would be stoopid and pointless.

Ah Midnight your initial post has made my day!

How on earth did he drag an angry cat across your lace accidentally?

It's easy to look at this retrospectively.
You have a clumsy husband. He always will be, so you have to engineer the environment to try and deal with it- a bit like having a toddler.
I'm a knitter too and there's no way I would let Dh help block a shawl (and he's really careful) I'd ask a fellow knitter.
Never, ever have a cat around when laying out any knitting. Make sure all doors are shut before starting.
Don't leave stuff lying around that you don't want broken. We do this when DC have friends round who break stuff are a bit clumsy.
I'm guessing that some of the anger is not just directed at your husband but also at yourself, as you know some of it may have been avoided.
Chin up, move on but always be alert!!

Ah, yes, bubbles.

I had a children's party at home for DS's birthday.

Did I leave important, fragile items around? No. They went in the wardrobe and came out when the children were gone.
Accidents? None.

oh my gosh, I'm a knitter and I do occasionally find the time/commitment for lace and... oh my gosh, I just can't imagine!! Blimey. An angry cat you say? I think I'd want to kill them both...

Surely the cat didn't realise how precious the item was.

The idiot who let a cat anywhere near the precious item, on the other hand...

My DP is exactly like this. I once dumped a load of his clothes out on the patio after it had been raining to teach him a lesson but I don't think I went far enough - clothes can be washed. I'm thinking about leaving other things of his out there, starting with small things of little value - books etc. - and then if he doesn't get his act together working my way up to big-ticket items, like his amplifer...

Sorry, amplifier.

Not sure why some people want to punish others for being clumsy, a trait which is unintentional! Sounds a bit bunny boilerish to me.

Whatever next! Punish people for being forgetful? For not being good at maths? Crazy and nasty!

I wouldn't punish someone for being clumsy if they were apologetic and made attempts to both rectify the situation and not let it happen again.

Wrecking my stuff then not giving a shit, otoh...

This has gathered rather more comments than I ever expected, and I appreciate being able to let off steam. However, I was angry when I posted the OP so I don't really want it being taken as the sum total of our relationship, but I also realize it's all you've got to go on. So perhaps I should clear up a few things (or add fuel to the fires, who knows).

Punishing DP - I don't actually do this. It's just tempting sometimes. And talking about it is certainly cathartic.

Husband - we're not married. Been together nearly a decade, not actually married.

Knitting in public - I really don't see a problem with this, and am kind of surprised that others do. I knit the entire shawl in the presence of DP, cat, relatives, strangers on bus, etc with no ill effects. I wouldn't knit at all if I had to do it alone - no time!

Hiding All The Precious Things - my DP is an adult, and can do things like boil a kettle, drive a car, hold a baby safely so I don't really think I should need to hide every single thing I don't want broken. It's also not terribly practical - at least not for things one uses, and my preciousssss breakable things are things I have to use (or at least see) to enjoy. And if I'm not enjoying them, what's the point of having them?

You Should Have Known... - Again, I don't really see how. I'm not saying it was shark-attack-while-being-struck-by-lightning unlikely, but the combination of circumstances was unlikely (which is why I call it an accident, although I do believe DP cocked up as well) and (believe it or not) I had controlled for the major hazards.

And for the curious, here's a blow-by-blow account, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I admit. Also very long.

Picture the scene: a woman, 30ish, scruffy, opens the door to a cluttered bedroom. The two single beds have been stripped, pushed together and covered with towels. A lace shawl (a differrent lace shawl) is blocking: stretched to its full size and pinned out with a whole lot of steel dressmakers pins it looks more like a dead butterfly or a torture device than something to wear.

The woman approaches the bed and pats the shawl. "Oh, my preciousssss, you're dry. At last!" she cackles, "now all the guests have left and the last of the Christmas knitting is done, I can finally block -- my shawl!" She produces a crumpled bundle of yarn and flourishes it triumphantly. "For me, yessssss, all for me, my precioussssss, made of precioussssssssss yarn. Which I may have spent more than I should on. But! So what? Soon it will be beautiful." An observer at this moment might have doubted her sanity: the knitting (if knitting it is) looks like tangled string, or a particularly large clump of wet hair, if hair came out of the shower drain in that unlikely shade of blue.

Setting the hairball to one side, she pulls the pins out of the dead butterfly, folds it and sets it on top of a bookcase. Returning to work, she adjusts the towels and spreads the bundle of wet hair out on the bed. Now its spread out, it does look more pleasant - and is also clearly too long for the bed. The woman mutters to herself as she finds a sensible way to pin the thing out. Eventually she settles and starts sticking pins in the picot edging.

After about 40 pins, she realizes that she'll have to pin every single picot to get it to block properly, putting a pin in at centimeter intervals for roughly 4-6 meters of edging, and she despairs slightly. However! Help is at hand. She goes to the door.

"Darling?" she croons in her sweetest tones. "Could you help me with something?" A man appears at the door, 30ish, less scruffy.

"Is it a knitting thing?" he asks.
"Why yes, my sweet," she trills. "Could you possibly help me stick a few hundred pins into a towel?"
"And then we can watch Die Hard 2?"
"Of course, my hero, light of my life and helper of the pin-weary."
"Deal."

The couple return to the bed and begin sticking pins into the bed. At this point, the cat of the house decides this is a good time to come out of hiding. She's not supposed to be in here, but she sees a chance to waft her tail under the man's nose. He is what the humans call 'allergic' and she calls 'hilarious' so it's worth giving up her nest for.

The humans are working fairly intently, so it's only when she's sitting on the corner of a towel, reaching a paw out to poke the pins that they spot her.

"Cat!" the humans say together. The female human, who has known the cat for over a decade, says "No! Bad cat!" and moves slowly towards her. The male human who has only lived with the cat for a couple of months* but has already witnessed the destructive power of her claws dives for her and drags her towards him. The cat, surprised and enraged by this cavalier treatment digs her claws into whatever she can reach, pulling the towel, lace shawl, pins and all with her.

The woman shouts "No!" and puts her hands out, uselessly. The cat struggles free and hides under the bed. The man looks at the tangled heap of towels.

"I was just trying to help," he says
"I don't think, strictly speaking, that was an improvement," replies the woman as she gently untangles the mess. As she puts the towels back into place, she notices claw marks in the fabric. "Oh well, old towel, that's fine," she says, smoothing the first corner back out, she puts the pins back, until ---
oh no!
can it be!
say it ain't so!
a hole she did not knit!
a dropped stitch!

She stoops closer. Here and here and here - a cat claw has neatly severed a few key strands, and her work is unraveling before her eyes. She quickly secures it with a forest of pins, then rests her head on the edge of the bed.

"Is it alright?" asks the man.
"No. It's really, really not," she replies.

She studies it again while he-- actually, I have no idea what he did at this point.

"Can you fix it?" he asks.
"I don't think so," she says. She flops onto the floor like a cat who doesn't want to be picked up. "For technical reasons, it can't be fixed because technical the technical. I'm going to have to undo it. It's probably 25 hours work to fix it." She stares at the ceiling, wanting to scream. She would usually yell, but this seems at once too serious and not serious enough. After all, no one died.

He looks at her. "It was an accident. I was trying to help."
She lies there some more.
"I'm sorry," he says. "It was an accident."
She hears a voice calling her and gets off the floor.
"Get the cat out of the room and shut the door," she hisses. "I'll deal with this later."

~CURTAIN~

*We have moved in with the cat (and my mother) temporarily for various reasons probably not relevant.

I am sorry, I can understand you are upset but really, truly, it sounds like a genuine accident and him not knowing how to handle the cat, but he was trying to help. He doesn't need punished, even jokingly, though I do understand your frustration. Sounds like he does too.

RabidCarrot
I am sure you are a lovely person but you come across a bit angry in that post

Obviously you won't punish him. But I feel your pain. And love your writing. If the knitting doesn't work out....

I love your writing too. Maybe you should consider a new career as a novelist? Blogger? Am v sorry about the shawl but honestly doesn't sound as if your h meant it. Accident.

I don't know if it will help at all, but I have one exactly like that. New, light coloured, expensive carpet laid and within half a day he'd spilled a cup of coffee on it. New kitchen installed, a week later he opens a bottle of elderflower champagne (that I'd told him to take outside) in there, which explodes and decorates the entire kitchen walls, cupboards and surfaces with sticky fluid. New hall runner, he trod cat shit into it. I'd made food for everyone before going to college and left it out ready to be served - he knocked a wall lamp, that fell, smashing the bulb inside all over the food. Came home once, to find my feet sticking to the kitchen floor, like in a cheap nightclub - he'd been making wine and the sugar water had boiled over onto the floor and stove. I was picking bits of caramelised sugar off the stove for ages.
That's just a tiny example of his clumsiness and to be honest, yes I am weary of it. I know he can't help it and I try not to get annoyed, but it's ALL THE TIME! So, in short, I feel your pain. Yes it's frustrating and no, there' probably nothing you can do about it, so you have to decide if you can put up with it and if the good stuff outweighs the bad. Good luck!

Midnight- your writing was really funny and you clearly have a talent for it! (It doesn't help the shawl though...)

you so have a way with writing OP- as a knitter I gasped when he dragged the cat, and then when the thread was cut!! I feel for you, and your shawl.