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how did you know your dp/dh was having an affair?

(49 Posts)
nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:08:06

advice needed really, how did you know?

For a few months I've had a gut feeling he has been playing away. He's went out a lot, changed his phone password and keeps his laptop at work.

Today I got hold of his phone and read his facebook pm. There were messages to this girl we used to work with talking about how she fancies him (I already knew this) then messages from him saying she should stay away as he's 'bad news' but he did think she was 'gorgeous' and that she should come over. She said she wouldn't come over because she didnt want to wreck his family. Obviously I confronted him and he said he sent them drunk (he did, i remeber the night and it was at 3 in the morning) and he done it because he was angry at me and he was flattered that someone else liked him. Swore that nothing happened and he was sorry.

Now, I'm not an idiot, I know there is VERY strong chance he's been at it.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Jan-13 22:11:55

Well, I'm sorry but you would be an idiot to swallow that pile of crap he is trying to feed you.

He is blaming you for him (at the very least) trying to play away. Can you trust him again ?

nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:15:22

all he's saying is that it's over because I don't trust him. it's over because he's a lying, cheating scumbag. Even if he hasn't then he's still messaging other girls!

nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:17:29

Forgot to add, he's saying that to make me apologise to him for snooping and make everything seem my fault.

Aspiemum2 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:18:28

So he sent messages to other women because he was angry at you

It's over because you don't trust him

Does he ever take any responsibility for things in the relationship or is it always your fault?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 22:21:22

'Attack is the best form of defence'.... that's his strategy now. I always think, when emotions are running high and accusations are flying about, it's best to take some time out from each other to take stock of what you want to do next. If he's saying 'it's over' he won't mind stepping out....

nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:21:40

Everything is always my fault. Once in a blue moon does he put his hands up and say sorry, I fucked up.

nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:23:26

I fully believe he's saying it's over so that I will start to beg him to reconsider. It's like he gets a kick out of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 22:24:05

Well tell him there's a pale moon on the rise, he fucked up and he should go cool his little heels on the nearest friend's sofa while you work out what the consequences are going to be.... Big opportunity.

PepsiCoco Sun 06-Jan-13 22:24:23

It's over. You don't need to know. Walk away with your head held high. Don't hang around trying to extract the grubby details.

Abitwobblynow Sun 06-Jan-13 22:24:53

Trust your gut. I know exactly when my gut told me something was wrong.

They were only at the secret coffees stage then. Because I overrode my instincts I enabled two years of his affair and infatuation and my France emotional abuse. DO NOT run away from this confrontation. If I had my time again ...

Give him avert clear warning as to what will happen should you discover you have been lied,to and betrayed - use those words - then do it.

fiventhree Sun 06-Jan-13 22:29:18

It is EASY to know. Trust yourself.

Really, just trust yourself. Now, what does your instinct tell you?

Works very well

notnagging Sun 06-Jan-13 22:30:03

Here we go. Classic tactics. It's suddenly all your fault? Don't listen op. the fact that your upset about it should be enough to make him apologise.

notnagging Sun 06-Jan-13 22:31:57

Always trust your gut op.

meditrina Sun 06-Jan-13 22:35:48

It's possible, if her reply about not wanting to wreck a marriage is recent, that a physical affair didn't happen. This time. But it seems only because she has moral standards that he does not appear to, and it might only be a matter of time before he persuades her or someone else to meet up.

It does sound as if he was/is up for an affair, and if he will not come immediately to his senses, with contrition, and real intent to examine why he was looking outside and how to change that mindset, then it is time to consider if you are prepared to tolerate philandering. Things go wrong in marriages, if he wants the relationship to survive, he must stop finding fault so he can give himself 'permission' to turn to a third party. If he isn't prepared to admit that he's done wrong, and take real steps to change and take on a full and committed role towards you, then you need to start thinking about making plans for your future that don't include him as as unsatisfactory burden.

Aspiemum2 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:38:27

My exdp was like this, everything was always my fault.

Ask yourself, aside from this issue, are you actually happy in this relationship?

I know there can be quite a few ltb threads on here but I think that's because those of us who have been through similar things and come out the other side want to share our experience.

That is, not all men are like this. There are men out there who don't shout at you, do treat you with respect, treat you as an equal. It took me far too long to leave my ex, had I known then what the future held (namely my lovely dh) I wouldn't have put up with being treated so badly for so long

I thought all relationships were like that, I was young and naive. Now I know better, never put up with less than you deserve and never let someone blame their mistakes on you

AnyFucker Sun 06-Jan-13 22:59:51

Tell him to fuck right off

nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:02:59

We've been going through a major rocky patch and I have thought about leaving but I've been trying to make it work for the sake of ds. I never thought he would cheat. He's been adamant that he still loves me when we've had conversations in the past but then the blaming starts and apparently I nag too much (about staying in more and helping out a bit). I don't think I nag too much, I gave up a long time ago because I go nowhere. For all our problems, I never thought he would cheat and it's been a total slap in the face. I've tried hard to act normal.

This girl isn't of high moral standards, she's been after him for ages. These messages from him are recent.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Jan-13 23:05:06

Never mind her...what about your partner's moral standards ?

I recommend you get an STI check, and him too before you sleep with him again. You are going to stay with this dick, aren't you ? Because little boys need role models just like this one. Not.

nc88 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:16:26

I am 100% not going to stay. The more I think about the way he is the more angry I get. He's working atm and when I picture his face I can honestly feel the anger coming up to the point where I want to wreck the place. I'm printing out a council house form, we rent and I know he won't leave.

Even if he hasn't cheated, this was just the wake up call I needed

AbigailAdams Sun 06-Jan-13 23:19:38

nc88 what are you getting out of the relationship? Even before this whole affair shit?

Nagging is one of those words used by men when women are trying to get them to do their fair share. It is sexist and designed to keep women in their place.

AbigailAdams Sun 06-Jan-13 23:20:44

Ah cross post. Yep you are doing the right thing.

notnagging Mon 07-Jan-13 03:01:02

TotAlly agree Abigail smile

Abitwobblynow Wed 09-Jan-13 10:38:57

'I hurt you because I was angry' is a statement of abuse. Anger is a feeling, and being cruel is a choice.

This is not a nice bloke, nc.

Loquace Wed 09-Jan-13 10:54:49

I decided to change the bedroom around, shoved the wardrobe aside and discovered what can only be described as a shrine to the OW.

As horrible as it was, I think I got off lightly. You can talk your way out ambiguous texts and strange things on credit cards, leaving a woman feeling like she may actually be going as mad and paranoid as accused.

A shrine however...not so much.

With the distance of about 20 years between me and that moment, that urge to rejig the bedroom was one of the best things that could ever have happened to me.

janelikesjam Wed 09-Jan-13 17:19:04

Just on nagging - Abigail has made me think re. that word. I would like to add I think "nagging" also comes from a place of disempowerment. Someone with power would never nag, only say it how it is, tell someone to do it, ignore it or refuse to put up with it.

katiemummy2012 Wed 09-Jan-13 23:31:26

i found out my DH had been seeing an escort half his age when I saw a text from her along with kisses and reference to a previous meeting on his phone

previously dh had been distant, i could tell he no longer fancied me and had noticed an adult sex site on his laptop history months previously, at this point i was highly suspicious, i suppose knew in my heart he was cheating i then sneaked his phone and found the message where he was arranging to meet the woman for sex on his lunch break from work

i am still devastated and DH and i are seperated, your instincts will tell you wisely x

katiemummy2012 Thu 10-Jan-13 00:01:57

Loquace, can i ask please what on earth his 'shrine' to the OW consisted of?! fancy keeping that in your marital bedroom!

did he have like love letters to her and pictures of her there or something? :O

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 07:12:29

letters, pictures, trinkets, ticket stubs, recipts and a whole heap of other bits and bobs. All beautifully conserved and presented.

It was a veritable treasure trove of memorabilia reworked as "art".

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 07:30:06

OP

I spent too many years sort of, but not really, believing lies.

It is no way to live.

I should have left years before, rather than wait for flagrant, undeniable evidence of betrayal, I wish I had gone based on the reality of "little evidence of whole truth telling" .

I deserved the whole truth, not years of doubt, confusion and picking away at webs of lies trying to make sense of them. That was the cruel bit. Worse than the physical and emotional betrayal, was that he left me to suffer in a painful fog of not knowing for sure either way, while he did and hid information from me to keep me trapped in that miserable damn fog.

That is not love, by any stretch of the immagination.

CeilingThomas Thu 10-Jan-13 10:36:29

How to know they're cheating? It's all about gut instinct and that instinct will tell you you can't trust him. Tiny tiny changes in behaviour, routine etc that you cant always put into words. Once you feel that way you don't actually need to gather proof because the relationship is over anyway without trust.

I knew my ea exh was cheating but allowed it to continue for months before I actually caught them. I couldnt bring myself to confront him with my what my instincts were telling me since telling him "I think you're cheating because you asked how my day was" sounded ridiculous. I was right though, down to the day it started.

IslandMoose Thu 10-Jan-13 15:06:23

It's not really relevant to your situation op, but I found out that a former partner was cheating on me because the guy she was shagging told me so. He was a vague friend and we were having a drink in a bar one night and he apparently felt that he ought to volunteer the information. Previously I hadn't had a clue what had been behind her strange behaviour, but then it all made sense.

I think you just have to go with it to be honest. Even if he hasn't actually been unfaithful it sounds like your relationship with this man is over in any event.

Good luck.

alexrider Thu 10-Jan-13 15:09:39

Mine put it in his Facebook status: "Wankyboy is in a relationship with OW".

That was a bit of a surprise for Tuesday tea time I can tell you!

He did think he'd blocked me from Facebook, but his security settings weren't very good.

He never came back home after I read that.

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 15:12:33

I always think that unless you're prone to paranoia and have deep-seated insecurity issues, the suspicion that your DP/H is having an affair is enough. Most sane people in happy, loving relationships don't doubt their partner to that extent. Most sane people who do are usually picking up on lots of little cues that suggest their DP is up to no good (though it might not be an affair). If you have suspicions, your relationship is in trouble anyway.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 10-Jan-13 15:23:46

It's an awful thing to go through, that paranoid feeling, you KNOW something isn't right and yet you're led to believe that everything is fine.

I remember asking dp if things were ok between us as he'd become very distant! Yes, he'd tell me. Bad day at work etc.. Why take it out on ds and me then? that sort of thing.

Of course he was distant because he was texting and arranging meet ups with ow.

Silly me.

When the web of deceit finally caught up with him he drip fed information but finally told me everything (and more) three weeks later.

We are still together. Dp has made every effort to put right the damage he caused. It's been hard but without his effort we wouldn't still be together now and it has taken a HUGE amount of effort on his part.

Good luck OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 10-Jan-13 15:28:03

It's also taken a HUGE amount for me to stay in this relationship.

It's one rollercoaster ride I wish I'd never been forced to take.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 16:01:59

Trust your instincts, and go, even having a text affair is a big no no, and if its a no no for you, then dont put up with it.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Fri 11-Jan-13 15:09:09

ExH became distant, there was no 'chatting' about day to day stuff, just the bare minimum. His phone became surgically attached to him, he started having secret passwords and pins.

He became concerned about his appearance, he started having more 'boys' nights out.'

He became cross with me really quickly over innocent remarks made by me that were, in retrospect, getting close to questioning his lies. Like when he got a speeding fine after visiting his dad, but the time it stated seemed rather strange. He'd visited his dad for 1/2 hour then spent the next 2 hours with the OW.

Sex became non-existent, I started to feel uncomfortable about him seeing me naked.

I found out his 'friend' at work had changed her status to 'separated' on Facebook while snooping on his account, big event, he'd not mentioned it. He then changed his password and security settings on Facebook, telling me he'd done it weeks ago on the advice of work (security type job) but I was suspicious so asked him to show me how to change mine, and his settings showed he'd changed it the night before, not weeks ago.

I started snooping, found he'd set up a new email account that I couldn't access. I asked him what the benefit was of these 'hotmail' accounts and why he had one for Facebook, some excuse. The new email account was gmail, I asked him how may email accounts he had, he said two, usual one and Facebook hotmail one. Liar.

Finally persuaded him that he was making me paranoid with all his password changes, he changed his phone pin back to reassure me. I pinched his phone and has to activate this hidden email account in the settings and found all his secret correspondence. He left the same day, decree absolute came through last week, 16 months later. wine

MirandaWest Fri 11-Jan-13 15:11:00

I knew when I found a hold up on our washing airer when I didn't own any. I asked him and he didn't lie (although then continued to lie about how long for etc)

We had drifted apart but I hadn't thought he was having an affair until I found the evidence

Whether he's been 'at it' or not, something is in the air.

Oh and how did I find out? H was distant - either very full-on and physically affectionate (unlike him tbh) or cold and angry. I had had an odd feeling about his work situation for a while but nothing I could put my finger on. And he kept telling me about all these absurd rumours in work about his relationship with one of his assistant (oh yes, so ridiculous! Ha ha!). And then I checked his texts. Muppet didn't delete anything because he knew I wouldn't check. Well - I wouldn't normally!

peeriebear Fri 11-Jan-13 17:24:15

My DH had an EA three years ago. As soon as I saw him looking at her my 'gut alarm' went off. I asked him about her and he strenuously denied it but my gut kept going all the same. A few months later the can of worms was opened and he had been texting her back and forth since that first weekend. I just knew.

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 17:24:24

The distance. You can't be emotionally and sexually consumed by another person and hide it.

madgered Fri 11-Jan-13 18:07:58

I agree with the other posts. trust your instincts, don't over think everything. listen to your heart, it will tell you where to go. my gut feelings have ALWAYS been spot on!

imFINEthanks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:41:06

I wish I'd known about MN when I was in a pair of shoes very like the one's you're wearing now OP.

That's all I can say really.

Slippersox Fri 11-Jan-13 20:05:12

Actually found out when he took a call from OWs partner when I was with him ,he left the room abruptly and went as white and a sheet and shook all over after call ended.Tried to lie his way out of it but after a long and previously very close marriage realised no point lying, I just knew him too well to buy it.He did minimise for a few days how long , how many meet ups ,texts etc.But it was like pieces of a puzzle fitting together and I just KNEW when things between them had changed to and it had become secretive and inappropriate.ie.when he stopped mentioning her at all, when he stopped coming to bed at the same time but sat up watching rubbish on TV even though he was tired.When we went out for our anniversary and it just felt different.
Fortunately it hadn't become physical at time of discovery so the changes were very subtle but in hindsight I see it so clearly now.
Oh and yes the first time I met OW when we were out socially and bumped into her and the way she greeted me so sycophantically whist pawing my DHs arm and giving him her best coquettish look.Something turned over in my gut there and then, and I never was remotely the jealous type.I just knew deep down she was trouble, but pushed the thought away.ALWAYS trust your instincts

ProphetOfDoom Fri 11-Jan-13 20:38:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost Sat 12-Jan-13 10:40:48

I didn't. I knew something had changed. He went to work one day as usual, kisses, hugs, I was four months pregnant and we felt very close. He never rang me that day, totally unlike him and didn't come home that night. Stayed out till late after work and ended up staying at his parents, they rang to tell me he was there so I knew he was. I found out much much later that was their first date, he hadn't been at work at all (weekend). I just thought it was a glitch but when he came home he was very slightly different, not so kind, not quite so interested in me or the baby, couldn't put my finger on it. Anyway he did another disappearing act the following week, didn't come home from work etc and basically life got hellish from there.

I still didn't know it was an affair and there was lots of "well you nag me so much why would I want to be at home?" "We never have any fun together, we've never been happy blah blah blah". I believed him, thought it was my fault sad.

He was out all the time but he is an entitled man who believes he should be able to do what he likes but still have home comforts and use the family home as a base.

I found out later that after that finished, he just carried on meeting and seeing other women wherever he could, he said once he'd done it the first there was no point in being faithful anymore, he'd spoiled everything so why not carry on? arsehole! angry

I was stupidly clueless. I honestly believed I was making him unhappy and not want to be at home. I eventually found text messages on his phone about five years later from some random. Turned out he acted like a totally single man. All through trying for dd when I thought we were close and happy he was having unprotected sex with randoms angryangryangry. I believe dd and I are lucky to be in one piece.

I will never trust a man again, I know there are good ones, my sister had one for a start but I can't risk that ever happening again.

Abitwobblynow Sat 12-Jan-13 19:41:05

I can pinpoint where OW started to be on his mind - absolutely.

Trust your gut.

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