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The all new, sparkly,2013 Dating Thread - 35!

(1000 Posts)
watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 21:01:07

off you go.

Marking my place on the sparkly new thread!

mercury7 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:20:47

nice titlesmile
I did a short skype 'interview' today, he seemed quite nice..if a little pixelated grin

Scrazy Sun 06-Jan-13 21:26:38

Mercury, sounds promising. You are very brave, I can do casual to a point but feelings get in the way for me and I need to feel special to someone. Depends who it is, of course, and after a while if I don't get the feelings I don't want to sleep with them anymore.

My last one said he would stay with me forever if I could just put up but I couldn't, tried to kid myself I could. I wish I could sometimes.

Yogagirl17 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:31:12

Wow, never even finished reading the last thread and you're on to a new one. I reckon between new job and distinct lack of dating activity in the yoga household I will not be keeping up as much for the next wee while but I'm sure I'll still be popping in to say hello (its far too addictive to go cold turkey!).

antonym Sun 06-Jan-13 21:36:36

Ending the last thread was the most fun I have had all year; which is sad even on the 6th January.

Scrazy Sun 06-Jan-13 21:38:19

Antonym, give it time!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 21:42:42

Good luck for the new job yoga.
I dont have much time nor inclination for dating, new job and now new house ( and lots of unpacking to do still) means im kind of swamped and dont want to put any energy into anyone who isnt me, dd or my dog.

I am trying to get out and about in rl though, and have a new nights out ahead of me.

Yogagirl17 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:47:43

Thanks watch - so pleased new job & house all working out for you! Aside from anything else must start trying to get to sleep at a reasonable hour so laptop is going off! Night all. As you were. smile

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:58:57

Just been to the cinema on my own to watch The 7 Psychopaths....I think I would 'do' Colin Farrell ...i think anyway...even though I am not having sex EVER again.

BunnyKelly Sun 06-Jan-13 22:00:28

snail one of the things that make me look twice in od is when the profile mentions a dog.

I'd love to have one myself but don't have the time so the idea of getting to play with one on weekends sounds ace.

VelvetSpoon Sun 06-Jan-13 22:04:03

I have lots of time for dating but no real inclination, all the stuff with SpaceTwunt just has me more convinced than ever that it's pointless me even trying, because I'm never going to get anywhere, I can't even get a casual relationship let alone an actual one.

Sorry, bit self pitying.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 22:05:24

dogs are awesome. My boy is 11.5. trip to the vets for his medications and im told 12 is adverage age..... hes my bested friend, DD excluded. Ive had him since he was 7 weeks old. I adore his stinky, grey, old, moulting self.

Ike - colin farrell is very nice smile

BunnyKelly Sun 06-Jan-13 22:09:46

ike and snail there's one of (cough) those videos of Colin Farrell knocking around the internet if anyone's into that kinda thing. Just sayin, like.

Back to dogs- I just love them, and its as definite plus if a girl has one

Movingforward123 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:13:20

Just marking my place in the new thread!!

Pof is pissing me off angry I'm so horny I'm going to die!

I'm thinking about contact fwb or sleeping with exp! I need help!! confused

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:14:33

Fancied him in this ...but I think in general he's probs a bit of dick dock. Read that Emma Forrest book about their relationship ..seems they may have been each others baaaad medicine.

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:15:37

Please Moving let me introduce you to Mr Natural...he has girth y'know..

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 22:17:44

velvet - you will. as will i. As will we all.

If your standards were low, you would be accepting this shoddy behavior from all these muppets, and probably be calling one of them your boyfriend. Seeing them when they want, on their terms, going ages with no contact, and just being there for sex......
Or, you would just accept the next person that came along, regardless of age/ looks/ personality, and all those other things.
thing is, your standards arent low.
Mine arent low.

And it just means we have to wait. Diamonds take a long time to form, thats a bit lame ;) I dont go in for quotes and shit, but it is kind of true.

Nomorepain Sun 06-Jan-13 22:20:54

Realky soory - Not read anything on here all day. Going to catch up when I get into bed!!

Just wanted a few words of encouragement - first day back at work tomorrow after almost years maternity leave!!!!! Nervous, scared, excited - hopefully not emotional tomorrow!!!

When I left I was married, wrh lovely little ds looking forward to the birth of my baby girl. Fast forward a year, I'm divorcing a complete twunt who has destroyed me (almost!!) got my 2 beauties with me full time because he isn't proving to be a great dad and spending my nights messaging randlms on dating sites. On a positive note sailor boy seems lovely! I have got 2 very happy kids, met lots of new people, nurtured old friendships, get my new car on tues, got more responsibility at work, developed a new independence and I sleep easy every night knowing that I have done my very best.

Roll on 2013 and all it offers!!!!

Got back from 2nd date with Mr Vague. He is fantastic company, we get on extremely well. I've spend the entire evening laughing and chatting but I just don't think I can fancy him sad.

Nomore good luck for tomorrow!

KirstyWirsty Sun 06-Jan-13 22:29:45

Marking my spot .. Still seeing Mr Cheeky from work .. Got another shagfest lined up for next week ... He's started running to build up his stamina so he can keep up with me grin

VelvetSpoon Sun 06-Jan-13 22:30:07

Thanks Watch that's made me a bit teary.

I really don't know if it will happen for me, it seems so unlikely. I just wish I had someone to hug me. Much as I want a proper relationship, a happy ever after, to get married, that's what I've always wanted, frankly I'd settle right now for a few weeks of regular hugs.

I don't even care about the sex any more, which is good as I haven't got much chance of that either...

Hello. Don't know if remember me but I pop in now and again. Still single

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:34:25

Oh Jule that's a real bummer...is it cos he is short? No More I know exactly what you mean when you take stock of all that has happened. I was married for 16 years and now I am laughing at descriptions of cocks on dating sites ...looooooord help me!!!

Velvet sex is a mucky, messy business best not to involve yourself (nods head sagely)

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:38:17

Right ...now I am off to put out the friggin bins thats another bloody job I have to do now ..pfffft

Bant Sun 06-Jan-13 22:40:22

Hello thread 35.

well after spending this afternoon pissed off with ShoeGirl or with fate, depending on which of them chose to cancel the date this afternoon, which I'd been looking forward to for a fortnight, I went home, had pizza and another beer (New Year health kicks fade so quickly..) then I fell asleep in front of the tv.

Woke up an hour ago, looked online and I seem to have talked myself into a date on Thursday with mildly insulting girl from a month or so ago. She'd said she couldn't believe she was reduced to talking to people online and I noticed after one brief exchange of emails that she kept on going back online, so thought 'what the hell' and said even though I was online, I'm actually pretty great in real life. So we're on for coffee on Thursday. Which may be interesting.

I'll call her Miss Feisty.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 22:53:10

Velvet, im in pretty much the exact same position you are. Bar this summers short lived thing.

It will happen. I sometimes fail to see how it will for me either and i struggle to remember what it was like to be in relationship. I just cant fathom how it works anymore.
Tbh i cant believe i was married either, seems incomprensivable.
But we will. At some point.
I just doubt either of us are going to find them online.

Bant, if you arent careful you are going to suffer from daters burnout soon smile

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:04:40

I can be incredibly rude on line Bant...more because I have a very dry sense of humour...I fear that for the recipient it can be a bit unrelenting...give es rudies a chance!

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:04:56

us

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:06:25

I nodded off in the cinema... I worry that it is age ...what the hell would I do with a 29 year old bloke who has bollocks the size of watermelons???

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 23:10:10

Be like baby, and carry them?

Movingforward123 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:13:12

ike tell me more, I'm interested!! smile

Firstly how do you know he has girth? Have you slept with him? If so what's wrong with him that your keen to pass him on?? Lol

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:14:07

he can carry his own bloody bollocks...im not his mum lol

Ike no it's not because he's short, I thought it might be but The Major is possibly shorter and I could definitely fancy him. Nothing to do with height, it's build or something. Plus, I saw this man at that station where we were to meet and thought wtf is he wearing and it was him [shame]. Shallow, but there are limits.

I'm put off by that pouncing thing, he was hands on in a shark attack way again, not pervy or gropey just not 'right'. Nothing, then suddenly gabbing me around the waist, under my open coat for a cuddle. I just froze and went stiff and that is just not me. There were other moves right from the start, which I'd dodged

We went for a meal later and I brought it up over a bottle of wine, he said he got it, would wait for me to make a move and said he was generally unsure when it was ok or not. Sigh

VelvetSpoon Sun 06-Jan-13 23:15:43

Watch I think you're right. That you will meet someone, I mean. I'm a lot less optimistic about my own chances.

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:16:58

Well apparently Moving its quite long but..and here's the good bit...it is wide across the girth. He said he has goo technique and is very confident in that area. He also warned me that if I was petite it might 'hurt'....go figure..no never met the guy...but I feel I know his todger well.

Movingforward123 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:17:36

velvet I know exactly how you feel (although I need the sex too) I would love someone to cuddle me, but inorder to feel cuddled it has to be by someone who cares for you and who you care about or else the cuddles are empty sad

I an talking from experience with mrw! sad

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:18:06

good not goo technique but it might be goo for all I know!!!

VelvetSpoon Sun 06-Jan-13 23:20:40

Moving it's been over 4 years since I had anyone to cuddle me. Ever.

I couldn't care less whether they cared about me or not any more, I'm just utterly fed up and horribly lonely. And the thought that isn't going to change, and I'll just feel like this every day for the foreseeable future is shit, it really is.

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:21:14

Juliette trust your instinct lovely....have to say I can be a bit fashion snobby...could be that he was just 'awkward' due to nerves.

grinchie Sun 06-Jan-13 23:24:39

Hello new thread smile
If scoobydooagain is still around did you send that text? (From the last thread) If so, what was the response?

Juliette who else have you got lined up?

Velvet how are you?

Is Bill about? If so how are your DCs today?

Bant Miss Feisty? I know it's not me because I'm not dating but the description could be smile

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 23:24:53

Ive been single same lenght of time as you velvet.... im no more nor no less likely to meet anyone than you are .....

Juliette . Blee. Sounds awful. If you dont fancy him, then you dont. Cant force these things....

Ike. Men. Obsessed with their cocks. And passing on details. Horrible.

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:26:43

Watch...I know but I find it perversly absolutely hilarious and in fairness it wasnt as dire as it sounds.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 23:28:31

Velvet. Dont think it wont change. At somepoint it will.

I used to hate hugs. I like them now. New job is very huggy and tactile. I like it.

He is very confident in a good way, genuinely likes women and has lots of female friends, not at all nervous. It's bizzare, I feel no threat from him at all but the pouncing is so odd.

As for the clothes thing, leather biker jacket with a kind of gathered peplum, red handkerchief scarf around the neck over a tshirt, topped off with a trilby.

lubeybooby Sun 06-Jan-13 23:29:43

Haven't read thread, he's in the loo - OMFG he's GORGEOUS but seems to be playing it very cool. Fuuuuuck

I shall update when possible!!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 06-Jan-13 23:29:57

It is ike. I find it funny too. As the biggest contributer to options of limited quality....

But sometimes i do wonder wtf they are thinking.

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:31:10

They are thinking about the thing that matters most to them in the whole wide world...their cocks!!

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:32:38

Ok lubes...have you not met before then? thinking I might be getting confused with Mr Iphone...

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:33:49

Can you imagine for one minute a woman going into great description about their fanjo or boobs on line???

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:35:38

Juliette I just read the clothes description that is quirky but not in a good way!!

VelvetSpoon Sun 06-Jan-13 23:37:15

Watch I just feel a bit shit and hopeless. I'll get over it eventually, it's just one more rejection, I really should be used to them by now, it's not like I ever get anything else.

I hope tomorrow I'll feel better.

lubey thats good! fingers crossed for you smile

Ike it wasn't quirky. Quirky would have been any single on of those items, this was the full set.

ike1 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:43:02

Oh dear ....bless im

I give up

Scattylatte Sun 06-Jan-13 23:54:29

Wow. Quite an ensemble juliette. The pouncing isn't right. Fireman sort of put his arm over my shoulder when we met. I didn't fancy him at the time and it felt odd. Now I do fancy him but I'm almost totally influenced by his job. I know I am and it's pathetic. I'm meant to be meeting him tues so will see. He doesn't seem that available either.

Engineer I had 2 dates with wants to go for a curry. I don't fancy him. I have to drag the conversation out of him and I feel exhausted by being witty in his company.

Got asked out on Okc by man who is witty, no innuendo or hey babes. I said ok for the week after next.

That's me.

Velvet SpaceTwunt would have done this to anyone he met. This is who he is. It will pass sweetie.

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 00:31:30

Juliette I wish that was true, but I dont believe it is. I just feel if I was something different, something more, that he would've been interested enough not to bin me off in favour of someone else, But I'm not, I never am. There's always someone better than me, however high or low I set my sights, I'm never enough for any of them sad

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 06:38:21

Velvet that's not true! How could you possibly be more, without getting into celeb riches territory? Trust us it's him my love

Ike, nope hadn't met him before. Mr Clever was from my PoF 'smash and grab' the other day, inspired by internet dating traffic apparently being at it's highest.

Mr iPhone is someone else entirely and wasn't met online grin

Ok -- date rundown coming up...

Velvet absolutely not, as Lubey says, how?

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 06:54:39

Morning, I hope you feel better today, Velvet, who is he to make you doubt yourself like that ? Who are any of them ? - nobody. No intelligence, no taste, no class - not worth a moment of your time.

I have a very vivid mental picture of your date, Juliette, that's an eclectic ensemble.

I'm looking forward to reading your date report, Lubey, did he like the dress ?

Ike, yes. Yes, I do describe my fanjo in detail on line, in fact I do it on my profile, it also has a name and a detailed list of it's own likes, dislikes and favourite holiday destinations. Have I been getting it wrong ?

I'm very much not looking forward to work today.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 06:57:06

And please excuse the 'it's' above. Bastarding autocorrect.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 06:57:18

Mr Clever!

Flippin eck. Completely gorgeous. Very tall. Great dress sense. Clever (obviously) Funny and nice and sweet. We met, invited him in, had a drink and a chat, then went off for a lovely meal.

Back to mine, got my log fire going, wine flowed, conversation, etc. He played it very cool and gentlemanly until such a point that I'd plied him with enough alcohol that he felt brave enough to go in for a kiss. I hadn't realised he was nervous until that point when I noticed he was shaking a bit, bless.

It was really late by then so I quickly dragged him off to the bedroom, well, tried to... he went to get his overnight bag first. He hadn't been presumptuous at all despite my hint dropping pre date.

So yeah then all went kind of as it does when two adults are alone in a bedroom. I've had about three minutes sleep grin blush

I am all swoony and dreamy at being in the shower about 30 mins ago with 6ft 4 of lurvely toyboy. He has a lush bod too... blush

One thing about him though which hasn't been mentioned at all though it's quite noticeable is that he has some kind of disability, he walks with a limp/slight shuffle. I have no idea of the details of that but it didn't bother me at all. Just surprised he didn't volunteer any info about it. It doesn't seem to affect his life too much, he drives fine and all that and he has a great job to go with that big brain. Guess he didn't want to mention it in case it put me off.

Anyway! A really good night. Never thought I'd say it, but COR! Thank you PoF grin wink

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 07:02:09

How absolutely fabulous, Lubey, that sounds perfect !

Lubey pleased for you, so good to hear it went well and mission accomplished. He sounds lovely, revel in that afterglow grin

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 07:03:53

grin

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 07:08:09

Lubey really glad all went well smile

I still feel much the same unfortunately. I'm just not enough to hold a man's interest, I don't know why, but I'm not.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 07:28:24

It can't be you though velvet, it really can't.

And again this is you rejecting spacetwunt for being a twunt - he hasn't rejected you. He's been a flaky lying knobber who thought he could have his cake and eat it as so many of them seem to.

Like your friends were saying... he seemed to gain some confidence from dating you then got too big for his boots. Twat.

How is any of that your fault? it's not at all.

Nomorepain Mon 07-Jan-13 07:36:13

velvet I don't think he has rejected you he just had what he considered a better offer. He is still sniffing round wanting another date isint he!? You have got to set him up for his fall.

Please don't consider actually meeting him. Good looking or not, he just isn't worth the pain he causes!

This isn't about you, it's him!!!!!!!!! Go knock em dead today at work!!

I have for first day nerves! Sicky feeling in my tummy!!

yoga hope today goes well for you!

Woopsiedaisy Mon 07-Jan-13 07:37:26

Yoga and nomore good luck for today.

Velvet really feeling for you right now.

Marking my place because I feel uncomfortable lurking, but really struggling to face another OD forray. Would love to know the true statistics as to how many people really find a LTR that way.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 07:40:35

Nomorepain I don't think he even thought it was a better offer, he just wanted to have as many women on the go as possible.

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 07:43:13

But if I was 'more' somehow, he wouldn't have had a better offer, would he? I'd be it. But I'm not, I never am. Like I said, every man I meet, there's always someone better, always someone they like more.

I don't even think I'll get the chance to cancel on him at the last minute, so much for that plan.

KirstyWirsty Mon 07-Jan-13 08:07:14

nomore hope your first day back goes well

yoga good luck for tomorrow

Lubey go lubey!!! grin

Woopsiedaisy Mon 07-Jan-13 08:07:48

Delighted for you Lubey envy

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 08:09:45

It wasn't a better offer he had though velvet. It was just another offer. He got too big for his boots and flattered thought he could carry on with a bunch of women at once. That's what I reckon anyway.

Look at it this way - even the worlds most beautiful and successful women get cheated on - Halle Berry, Cindy Crawford.. I'm sure there isn't anything 'more' they could be. It definitely wasn't them, it was completely fucking shit men.

Somehow, this is the same because you are meeting completely fucking shit men.

Flaky eejits or the ones like dogs. Sniffing round everything they can get.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 08:11:46

Thanks Kirsty and Woopsie grin THE dress is now my official lucky dress wink

Wecanfixit Mon 07-Jan-13 08:18:34

Age Gap - Your opinions please , have a thread stating my friend of 54 has been online dating and got talking to a guy of 45 and he wants to meet her, she is very negative and thinks the age gap is way too big and he will just be looking for sex, that said she did talk to him and really liked all that he said how do I convince her to at least go and meet this guy for a coffee?, they are both divorced and kids older so no baggage either way .

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 08:21:34

Yoga and Nomore Good luck today.

Juilette I have a image of Mr Vague. It isn't good.

Lubey I think a fantastic afterglow almost beats the sex. Does make me hungry for more though blush

Bant Mr FU thought I was Fiesty. He is probably still in aftershock grin

Waves to Voice welcome back.

Velvet Honestly I couldn't be bothered with Spacetwunt. I would just send him a message saying I have moved on. Is he really worthy of any more headspace.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 08:25:32

Wecanfixit, I would say that if I at 32 were to meet a guy of 45 I would be presuming they were NOT looking for sex because of their age. I would expect the much, much younger than that ones to be after sex. It's all in the perspective, if that makes sense? She's looking at it like 'ooh he's so much younger, he must be after sex' but I would be thinking 'he's so much older, likely to be more mature, not in his sexual prime any more, may be after something more'

They should definitely at least meet and see what's what.

I've read the other thread, why does she think a 45 year old just wants sex? Some will, most won't but that has nothing to do with them being 45.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 08:34:45

Ahem! 45 not in sexual prime? shock grin

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 08:35:36

Not for a male, no! They hit it at 18 or something don't they... for women it's 30/s 40s grin

Wecanfixit Mon 07-Jan-13 08:38:39

lubelobby - I agree she is looking at it from a different perspective but having only gone out with guys older than her she is in shock that someone younger fancies the idea of meeting up with her I think .

Well, for first time EVER, one of my huge coterie of female friends sent a text to me last night saying that they had a newish (few months) female friend that they thought would be "perfect" for me. This is a big deal because in my almost 3 years of singledom not one of my female friends has ever, despite my encouraging them to do so, pushed potential dates my way.

This person was X, Y and Z and also "intelligent and very pretty and I think you should meet her". I asked if she was on Facebook or whatever as, desperate as I may be, I am not doing a blind date. She prevaricated a bit and told me a bit more about her and she became less and less "perfect" as there was yet to be one mutual interest or common ground. I finally got her name so I could look through my friend's Facebook friends.

All I can say is that my friend and I have VERY different understandings of the words "very pretty". Now, I am no oil painting - I'm not Bant smile - but my three prior LTR girlfriends were genuinely "very pretty" so I know I can do quite nicely, thank you, on the looks front. I'm not sure how to describe this person, who may well be very nice, but she actually looked like a horse.

I have told my friend that her friend really isn't my cup of tea. Does this make me dreadfully shallow?

There is prime and there is, ahem prime with stamina grin.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 08:42:15

Mr OZ was 7 years younger than me. He most definately wasn't just after sex.

I had a problem with the age difference, no idea why really, just prefer closer or older than me.

Voice yes, but join the club. Are you sure though, that she is not simply 'difficult to capture' in a photo? Lots of people are not photogenic, and lovely in RL once you have the personality to the face.

Yogagirl17 Mon 07-Jan-13 08:47:15

nomore Good luck today! Your ex-twunt has most definitely not destroyed you and 2013 will be better than ever. I can totally empathise with how much your life has changed in the last year, I feel the same. Can't wait to go back to work tomorrow but it's a little daunting! I've worked at home for the last ten years so it's been a helluva long time since I had to go out to work 5 days a week. Bring it on. smile

(And thank you all for the good wishes but I don't start til tomorrow)

moving you are not going to die from lack of sex!!!

Velvet & Watch I think I'm in the same boat as you - I've only been at this less than a year but pretty sure the man for me is not online. Velvet, I think you should try and look at it that way too, ie you are fab and doing nothing wrong but the right man for you just is not online. He's out there somewhere and he will find you when the time is right (probably when you stop looking). I'm going to try and trust karma and the universe and woo and whatever else is out there that it will happen for me eventually, just NOT through OD.

Juliette red hankercheif scarf & a trilby? Oh dear. Not. Good.

Lubey, Kirsty - how fab, not jealous at all envy

personality to put to the face.

Wecanfixit Mon 07-Jan-13 08:48:59

48howdidthathappen can I ask I take Mr Oz did not last ? was it a short fling thing? or did the age get to you ?

Yoga the biker jacket had a gathered peplum sad

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 08:49:50

Juliette, true with stamina but I was thinking more sex drive rather than being any good at it... sex drive prime for men is very young I seem to remember, but for women (again drive) is older.

grinchie Mon 07-Jan-13 08:50:43

voice yes you are.
In normal circumstances I would say arrange a date and see - I don't photograph well but I'm much better in real life - but as this is through a friend I would politely decline as going out with her as not being keen could get messy.

wecan he could be in his 70s and be out for sex or in his 20s and be sincere. Sadly idiots come in all shapes, sizes and ages.
I think she must go out with him if only to see, in real life thay may not get on or it could a big thing but she won't know unless she gets out of the front door to find out.

grinchie Mon 07-Jan-13 08:53:36

sorry and not as

Juliette one of the 'joys' of Facebook is that if people don't set their privacy functions properly, you can see assorted photos. This woman may well be lovely but it's not just a case of "not photogenic" and I wouldn't want to capture her. I don't find her even remotely pretty, let alone attractive. I can find women pretty, stunning, gorgeous but not necessarily attractive and yes, sometimes, it's the personality that really produces the goods. But only if there is some physical attraction in the first place.

Wecan - I certainly wouldn't assume that a 45-yr old guy was automatically just after sex with a 54-yr old woman. But having had an LTR with a woman who was 11 years older than me, I wouldn't choose to do it again.

Wecanfixit Mon 07-Jan-13 08:55:10

Grinchie - Good point yea they do come in all shapes and sizes lol! whatever there age , as you say she needs to go meet him to overcome her fears thanks!

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 08:56:32

Voice If you don't fancy her thats your call.

I can easily fancy someone that isn't 'good looking' if they are really good fun.
Couldn't fancy a horse though.

Wecanfixit Mon 07-Jan-13 08:56:42

VoiceofUnreason, - can you elaborate on why you would not do it again with an 11 year age gap I mean the pros and cons thanks

grinchie Mon 07-Jan-13 08:57:26

<sigh> in fact apologies everyone about the posts above, my brain is addled.
Ironman was over last night. I've had about two hours sleep which is all lovely but he's going away for a long time next week.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 09:00:17

Velvet, engage your brain for a momment. How on earth could a stranger, who you spent a few ( awkward ) hours with, be any kind of judge of you.
Hes a knob. Probably doesnt want a relationship, just likes the attention and ego boost ( hence the hareem)

I know its not so much him as it just brings all this crap to the surface snd then its hard to logically see.

I dont think its good to keep texting him or checking his fb and would suggest a dumping text( and if you want to stick the knife in, say you met someone sat night) then delete off fb.

Juliette, thats rather a mix of clothes! Youare a brave woman!!!

Yoga, you never know smile i dont do woo. But logically, widening your social circle and going out more leads to more people contact. And some of them will be men. And hopefully there will be less cock shots or sex talk within the first few momments of meeting.

48 thanks for the wave earlier. She really does look like a horse. I feel a bit bad now. Even if she didn't, there is no common ground whatsoever and while I believe the best relationships are those where people do have different interests - there's always something to talk about that way - I think you need to have at least one mutual interest, even if you follow that interest in a different way (ie, one might watch, one might partake).

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 09:03:53

wecan Mr OZ and me aren't exactly over blush
When we met he was already planning on a 6 month trip to OZ.
We plan on meeting up on his return in March.
I never made him any promises.
I do feel he is too young for me at 41. He hasn't had children and there is still plenty of time for that to happen with another woman.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 09:06:15

There is no rule saying you have to fancy someone voice. If shes too horse of face (!!!) Then just say no smile

Attraction is a weird thing anyway. I can see david beckham is good looking, but im not attracted to him in the slightest.
I do fancy the pants off justin hawkins and hes scrawney and has bad teeth!!!!

Wecan - you should have a private message in your inbox.

Wecanfixit Mon 07-Jan-13 09:09:14

I see thanks for that 48howdidthathappen all the best with the reunion though

wecan all my relationships since my mid late 30s have been with men younger than me, except for the last one who was just 4 years younger (nothing once you get over a certain age), and I met him OD so if I were your friend I wouldn't think twice about it.

Wecanfixit Mon 07-Jan-13 09:15:31

VioceofUnreason I have repiled to your message thanks to your inbox

Yogagirl17 Mon 07-Jan-13 09:16:08

watch & velvet the other thing is, while OD may be a numbers game, RL doesn't have to be. It just takes one chance meeting on the train or one new person at work, one random night out with your mates...

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 09:21:59

Pathetic though it is, I don't want to dump him (though I will). I want him to want me. When he said he'd seen my photo from sat and how good I looked, blahblah, it made me happy.

I've realised today I am finally at the stage where I would take a crumb of something, anything, rather than nothing at all. When I said I'd be happy for someone to give me an occasional hug, even if they didn't care at all about me I meant it. But I can't even get that.

I know there's nothing anyone can do. Its just the way it is.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 09:28:10

Yoga This has been my experience. Met Mr OZ in a pub (yep found one with people in it) mutal connection/spark whatever you want to call it, from the word go.

Met Mr R&R at a Rock & Roll thing that I attended under protest with my sister. Again instant connection.

I have met loads of single fuckable men in RL. Only 2 where I felt the buzz enough to take it further. Not bad for 9 months of being single grin

Velvet I think it's entirely normal to want some external validation, despite what all the books say about love yourself etc. It is also an absolute necessity for most of us to have those hugs, not just a hug but the intimacy of close contact.

But, SpaceTwunt is not someone to give any more head space. You are on a hiding to nothing with him because there is nothing inside him worth having. He is an emotional leech feeding off the attention of others, I actually think he has massive ishoos so don't let him drag you down with him.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 09:35:54

Its not, i understand. Its just the constant rejection.
I think you are sort of hitting rock bottom really, its not a good place to be.
Look, ill tell you all something ive not before, because i doesnt show me in a good light and its awful really.
Last year with the IE experiment, i slept with what, 4 men?? i dont know. The last one, though he did want to see me again, made several comments, about me searching online for sex/ men. It wasnt pleasant. It was also the most non connected, physical only shag i have ever had.
Until then i thought i was picking and choosing, and while , i was... i was also just wanting some contact, in any form. To be wanted, because it had been so long.

I decided there and then that that was that, standards hoiked up, and from then on it was about my needs, what i wanted out of a relationship. And if Someone wasnt treating me as such, or wasnt what i wanted, to move on, no givng chances, or meeting just to see, or because they werent covered in red flags.

Not surprisingly, since then ive had few dates!!!!! ( though i had a five month thing and then a one month thing, which ive dumped both)

I dont know, i think what im trying to say is you are NOT pathetic, you are NOT weak for wanting some human love, attention, company. We all do.

But, that maybe, now is the time to recognise that that need is clouding your actions, and you are doing things, and worrying about things you wouldnt normally.

And its time to take a long, hard look at what it is YOU want, and how YOU want to be treated, and not accept anything less that that.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 09:42:15

48 - you are very lucky to have met people in rl. i havent in 4 years. but then ive been working in some kind of female bubble, and dont have any single friends to go out with. New job has thrown up lots of new lovely people, so im going to maximise going out as much as i can, funds allowing smile

Watch - I think there is something in what you say about not having single friends to go out with. I have no single male friends at all, they are all married, with smallish kids, and therefore never go out unless it's as a family or, rarely, with their wife/girlfriend. All my single friends are female and there's no chance of pulling on a night out if you're there with a single woman!!

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 09:50:47

Watch Yes I have been lucky. Also proactive. I do have lots of different groups of friends/family to go out with. I realised when I became single just how important it is to nurture friendships.

I never imagined attending a Rock & Roll gig. So happy I did smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 09:52:58

i think it does make a huge difference voice....

When i moved here i didnt know anyone, so its taken a long time. What with working, being a lone parent, reeling from seperating ( again) from my husband. I know people now, but its only school gate people, who are all married, and so only do family things.

I worked for a very small company, of 5 women, all married and older, and they didnt want to do anything social, although i now have a new job with 100's of new people smile

and then one or two old school friends ive found in the town, but not anyone i actually like. and again, all married and not wanting to go out.

Its quite hard. So, while i go out and do a lot of things, they are not things that are great for meeting and getting talking to new people.

Im 34, my DD is still youngish too ( 6 still) and most people my age have small dc's which again means they dont want to go out as its difficult with babysitters, and then they are just knackered anyway smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 09:56:36

48 - that is true, of course lots of it depends on how many pepole you know, how much time you have to do so, and the circumstances of the people you are being friends with.

Watch - yes, I'm always out doing stuff but there never appear to be any single people of either sex joining up to any of the clubs, hobbies or interests I belong to. People have suggested other clubs but when I've investigated them they tend to be full of much older people or mostly men!

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 09:59:34

Watch Again easier for me, my kids are grown up.

I do have the greatest admiration for single parents with younger children, life in general is tougher, without all the dating shyte.

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 10:03:12

Real life doesn't work for me either. I just get the same shit. Or nothing at all.

I go out a lot, I always have. I never did anything with my ex, we always socialised separately. But I rarely meet anyone and if I do, they take my number and never call. Or arrange a date and cancel. So no different really.

I'm not sure there's any point trying, guess I just have to accept the way it is.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 10:06:43

ah, grown up children do make it easier i expect.
smile

I do a lot of stuff, go to gigs, do outsdoorsey stuff, ive got a massive long list. But it tends to be with people who have got young children, or who have to get back for babysitters, and we are just having a cactch up, so having fun, and they would be mortified if i went off chatting a man up!!! or of course, lots of dinners at their houses as they cant get babysitters ( on my childfree weekends) So, unless a burgler broke in, i know exactly whos going to be there smile

any club/ weekday thing is out of the question as i cant really get a babysitter nor afford one, unless its for some special reason.

Im not the only one in my postion though, which i supose is one of the reasons OD is so popular.

Yogagirl17 Mon 07-Jan-13 10:07:29

Velvet "I am finally at the stage where I would take a crumb of something, anything" Like watch says, it's not pathetic, it's a normal human emotion. But it also means that you are more willing to accept crap from someone like spacetwunt when you deserve so much better.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 10:11:28

velvet, yep, you do go out a lot. im quite jealous. I dont remember the last time i went out, out. I remember my last gig, or last segway session, or last theatre visit, but not last time i went out.....

Have to say, it makes no sense, you are lovely, you are attractive, you have a nice personality, you are clever and funny and caring. It just seems to be some kind of weird bemuda triange of decent men.

I dont know what to suggest, other than dont accept crumbs, look at what you want, and stop giving head space to fuckwits like spacetwat.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 10:15:21

We should declare this a crumb free zone smile

OD has replaced lonely hearts ads to some extent and it's just much more convenient and immediate. However, I only know two people that have had a relationship that went beyond a few months out of it. Bearing in mind how many people I know who have used it and how many really decent people hardly even get any dates out of it, even on the paid sites, I remain unconvinced as to how properly successful it really is outside of the major cities. Someone told me that single parents are traditionally more successful than those without kids with OD but how true that is....?

The proactive bit makes a huge difference. To do that though, there has to be a certain amount of possible contact to get started. When you are a single parent with younger DC it can be very difficult to make new friends and have a social circle with the school gate parents who are couples. Often, the job will be full time as there is no other income. No time to stop at chat with sahp at the school gates before rushing for work. Viewed with more than a little suspicion with some smug marrieds, not invited to the 'drop DC off and have a bite to eat' circuit. No chance of going for impromptu drinks after work, it goes on. As time goes on, the friend circle can naturally get smaller and smaller, it is not always a matter of getting out there in RL. The number of friends I have to go out with for example, is exactly one, every other weekend.

Voice what are the types of clubs where there are mostly men?

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 10:19:46

Juliette In rural areas clay pigeon shooting is a man feast.

Voice it's beginning to sound attractive grin

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 10:23:30

Juliette grin

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 10:25:00

Watch thanks for being so lovely, I know I am whining. I don't get it either, but it's been like this for me for so long and I don't see it changing. I thought at one time it was my weight, but when I was at my thinnest this time last year it was worse if anything, not better.

More than anything I just want to think that one day there might be one man who actually cared even the tiniest bit about me, but it seems unlikely. There's no point in me saying I won't accept crumbs, when the truth is I don't even get them.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 10:25:36

ah, juliette, are you me!!!!!!!!

thats exactly my situation, added to the fact i moved here and only knew family. So started from scratch. My time is spent racing too work, racing from work to pick the child up. No time for nattering, no time for after work drinks ( not that anyone at my las job did that anyway, as they all had families to get home to). Then i have dog to walk, housework, errands, homework, being a mum, dinner, bath, bed by 7pm and then im trapped in. And repeat the next day.
Its how it is for most people with young families, except im/ we are doing it on our own and would like to meet someone too.... odds are stacked againist us i feel.

I have also found a general reluctance from people to go out, they just dont want to, or see the need to. So socialsing tends to circle around peoples houses or actual activities ( such as a comedy gig or whatever) where we are they for that activity and then go home ( because of babysitters)
its bloody hard, ive managed to get ONE person to come to ' the pub' with me once in 4 years. Any other pub visit by me as been as a date. Thats a little embarassing to admit, but its true.
I swear its my problem, and im convinced if i went out a bit more like that id meet someone... its just getting out thats the hurdle. and no, im not going to the pub on my own ;)

Juliette - in this neck of the woods the almost exclusively male preserves are: badminton, sailing, archery, cycling, squash. That's before the obvious or really boring ones like clay pigeon shooting, boxing, snooker, chess, football, rugby and cricket etc.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 10:29:30

Voice I went clay shooting in the summer. There was about four women to forty men. I had a great laugh. I think I was the entertainment. I was crap grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 10:32:32

velvet, but you do. You just arent seeing that. Space twat still wants to see you....
he hasnt dumped you. YOU wont see him again as hes a lying knob face.
Thats YOU rejecting HIM.
Im sure you get messages from men on pof or whatever site you are on... and dont reply, because they are losers.
Again, YOU rejecting THEM.

You could have crumbs if you wanted them....

but you dont.

I cant see it changing for me either, like i said last night, i cant even remember how i was married, i literally cant think what it was like and how i lived with somoene etc... it feels so alien to me now. I Just do everything, on my own, all the time. i dont expect it to change.

I dont know what im trying to say, only that i understand........

Velvet - Sympathies. Been well over a year since one of my two dates in the last 3 years and no sign of anything on the horizon. Except possibly from the woman who looks like a horse smile and like you and Watch I feel like this is it and would settle for a nice long cuddle on the sofa from somewho who actually cared and made you feel wanted.

Oh look, it's the usual New Year Self-Pity Party! I think we're entitled!

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 10:43:52

I've found becoming single (last year) to be incredibly isolating. I had a pub quiz team, all other dads with young kids, all still married, and noticed a dramatic drop off in regularity when I split from my ex. Not sure how much that's the singleton lurgey that marrieds tend to feel towards people who've split, that's definitely present. That's not exactly the best place to meet women but at least it gets me out of the house. Other than that there's socialising with another couple of single dads I know, and dating. I know I need to start taking basketweaving courses, or whatever, but I really don't have any interest. I spent a lot of time catching up with old friends around the country but again they're pretty much all married and in their little social cliques.

My new job is going to have me spending half my life abroad, and when I'm back I'm going to be focusing on having my DC with me, so little to no chance of seeing anyone then. I should probably cancel the dates I've got at the moment as only being able to promise a couple of times a month to see someone isn't really fair. But I like meeting people..

velvet - just to add to the comments - you are rejecting spacetwunt because he is being an arse. He doesn't understand the phrase 'better a bird in the hand' - he's scoping out the sweet trolley, rubbing his hands with glee, putting you off for not a better but a different option while keeping you on the backburner. And he's going to end up with nothing because of his behaviour. You're rejecting him and his pathetic crumbs because he doesn't know something good when it's in front of him.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 10:44:44

Voice - are you not tempted to meet her just so you can ask 'why the long face?'

Bant - yes, some of my friends suggested one or two courses (not basketweaving, to be fair) but they were things I have no interest at all and it just seems so fake because you're using that solely in the possible hope of meeting someone and preferably in the romantic line rather than friends (got more than enough of those, don't see some of them anywhere near often enough). If you're not enjoying something, you're not going to come off at your best or confident and therefore not give out the right vibe. I found that when I tried salsa dancing - really not my thing and it showed. I can see where you're coming from, but perhaps as long as your open and honest about your limited time availability they may not have a problem with it - you may find a woman who has similarly busy work life and that would suit her perfectly.

Bant - wasn't that the old Celine Dion joke?

mercury7 Mon 07-Jan-13 10:56:37

I agree with Voice I wouldnt have a problem with a twice a month thing, I have a once every 2 months 'thing' with somone who spends alot of time out of the country for work (at least thats what he tells me grin )

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 11:00:13

I have four long faces of my own wink In all honesty I know a huge variety of people through horse ownership, all ages, class etc. Mainly all female, but does mean I have a largish pool of friends to go out with.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 11:03:58

evening courses.... its the old line trotted ( horse pun!) out by well meaning people that have been married for years.

I cant get out to an evening course...most single parents cant.
then theres the issue of find one you want to do... and then of it having anone in it whos decent.

bant - the single lurgy is alive and well..... you wouldnt believe the comments ive had made to my face sad
I do look younger than i am, by 6-8 years, People know the age of my DD, and make assumptions. And then avoid me.

OR, ive been told that they arent like me and need to have a ' family type set up' quite what that means i dont know... but i dont see it as any type of compliment.

I try to think i divorced young and at somepoint ill catch the next wave of divorcees....... smile

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 11:04:45

You're all so nice. I thought you'd all tell me (metaphorically) to give myself a kick up the backside and get on with my life.

Thanks for not doing so, I don't do well with the tough love approach smile

Bant you've reminded me that I love and am bloody good at pub quizzes. Hardly any pubs round here seems to run quizzes let alone have their own teams.

I could join my friend's pub darts team however they are all pensioners. Lovely, but too old.

It's rubbish, why couldn't ST have just turned out to be a nice bloke? Or stopped looking at the sweet trolley long enough to realise how great I am...

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 11:16:47

See, that's the problem with OD. As I've mentioned before, it's not designed to get people together into happy LTR, it's designed to make money for the people that run it. So when you mail someone repeatedly, set up a date with them, it's still sending you through pictures of matches.

On Match.com, when you email someone, it automatically shows you pictures of people similar to them - so you're instantly encouraged to 'cheat' on the person you just contacted. Now I know it's a case of not putting all your eggs in one basket etc, but the system encourages you to play the field and starts showing you the sweet trolley.

So, I got stood up yesterday, quite disheartening. I'm still waiting to hear back from Miss Guinness about a second date, she said it would be difficult to do another date this evening due to work. I can either hang around hopefully waiting for one, twiddling my thumbs, or get back on the horse (sorry voice) and contact other people. So I contacted Miss Feisty, and we've got a date for Thursday. I don't know if she's going to show due to her horror at the thought of OD, so I'll take a book just in case. Also I mailed someone attractive who winked at me, and then someone else who winked at me - both local, both seem intelligent and good looking, exchanged numbers with one so we can talk for a bit)

So, now I'm in a situation where theoretically ShoeGirl could come back all apologetic and want to rearrange, Miss Guinness could offer a date for date 2, Miss Feisty shows up and we get on, and the other two (Miss Welsh and Miss Cautious) work out too. This is a case of me not sitting around mooning and waiting for something which may not happen, but trying to be proactive. If all of these turn into dates, then I have no idea what to do apart from try to respectfully decline some of them, and hope I'm declining the right ones.

It's the New Year surge, and I'm hoping one of them will work out, and also that I don't end up upsetting any of the others.

I'm thinking of texting ShoeGirl though and just asking out of interest if she saw me in the car park and got scared off. I don't expect an honest response though.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 11:17:51

because hes a knobber.

hes not who you thought nor wanted him to be.

Thats the reason why, nothing to do with you at all.

its why i came back to post. because its poo. And its not you, or nothing you have said or done, and i really felt like i needed to stand up and say that, for you and anyone else to hear. For ME to hear. because its the same for me too.

They are just dickheads velvet, they really are. Its the reason you havent met anyone, because they are cocks and behave appallingly.

And its the reason people give out shite dating advice, because either they dont know what its like out there now, or its easier to blame the woman for doing sometihng wrong ( because then, it could never happen to them, because they would do it ' right')


Im good at pub quizzes, and am uber competative..... i just dont have anyone to go to one with.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 11:21:04

but bant, you wouldnt do what space twat did, would you.

And thats the difference.

Its not multi dating thats the issue, though i do agree the very nature of OD doesnt really lend itself to LTR. Its the behaving like a twat about the whole thing and treating people badly thats the issue.

You cant put all your eggs in one basket, thats agiven. But you can treat pepole with a bit of respect, and thats the issue i think.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 11:27:48

The thing that really gets me about OD is the general lack of manners. I mean I have never met a man in RL who halfway through a conversation has asked me to describe 'giving head'. It just doesn't happen.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 11:31:08

bant, dont text shoe girl.....

if that was what happened, and you dont know it was, then she probably feels awful.

Ive had a few dates where i wished i had done that instead ( one, namely a hunchback, which i had erased from my mind until just now). But my morals wouldnt let me.

Just leave it and accept its par of the course of online dating, and not the worst that can happen smile
You have had a run of good luck with it so far, so a few bumps arent so bad.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 11:32:49

48 - no , it doesnt, does it.

Fucks me off too.

on the plus side it marks them as being tossers and out for one thing, so, knowing that, you can quite easily choose what you want to do.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 11:34:40

I'd do what ST did in terms of having several possible dates on the go at once - as I said, it's the eggs in the basket thing. But not in terms of canceling and lying about it. Once I've set a date up, then unless it's a real emergency or I'm too sick to walk, I go to the date.

If I cancel, for whatever reason, I have to do it with the expectation that I don't get another chance. I did cancel a first date a couple of months ago and honestly said I'd met someone I'd liked and needed to see if that was going to work out or not. The cancelee was gracious about it, and I even thought about asking her again when it didn't work out, but thought that was a bit crass and wouldn't go well.

Stringing someone along, trying to juggle several possibilities at one time and then sending messages about how poorly and lonely I'm feeling to make sure they're waiting for my next offer of a date, that's just shit behaviour.

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 11:36:17

I think ST did back himself into a corner a bit with me though. That doesn't excuse him lying, or behaving badly, he's still clearly not the person I thought he was. But he got himself into the habit of giving me a (entirely unrequested) commentary on his life, as part of our ongoing text conversation.

He'd text me first thing to say good morning, he'd just got up/was setting off for work/arrived at work whatever. Then later he'd say he was going for lunch, when replying to whatever I'd said in my last text before that. Then again when he got home. Then in the evenings if he was going to the gym, or to a friends, or to the supermarket. and then tell me when he was going to bed. Oh, and if there was a delay in him replying of more than half an hour or so, the reason why (he'd fallen asleep, been dealing with DC, in the bath, having dinner etc).

It's weird looking back on it, because I didn't tell him my movements half as much as he told me his, and it's not like I was asking him constantly either! but having told me literally everything he did, it was obviously then a bit awkward to say he was off on a date...

The more I'm thinking about it the more I'm thinking the above is more than a bit odd, isn't it?

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 11:37:48

48 ...I am going to the wrong bloody pubs!!!!! I had to 'end it' with Mr Natural last night when he got all stroppy cos I wouldnt give him a virtual back rub...accused me of not making enough effort! Oh haaahaaa you seriously couldnt make this shit up could you??!

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 11:38:24

Sorry too many mores in that last sentence.

Blame lack of sleep (2 hours last night, gotta love insomnia....)

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 11:39:50

Velvet That was all part of the chase. Making you feel special.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 11:41:50

Oh and velvet I think that sort of texting demonstrates a neediness in him...hence the obviously 'needy' behaviour of having to keep a few women on the go at the same time.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 11:43:11

Velvet - I thought that was what Twitter was for - to document the minutiae of life for people who are interested. It's the sign of a narcissist I think. I wouldn't expect someone I'm involved with to be interested in what I had for breakfast unless they were having it with me.

I think constant texting like that indicates someone who needs attention from other people and is unhappy in themselves, requiring validation. I used to get that from the Artist -'waiting for the bus'. 'bus is late'. 'on the bus now' - I used to wake up about 8am and already have 4 or 5 texts from her. Then I'd get a midmorning phone call about her day so far, then a lunchtime call, then one on her midafternoon cigarette break, then when she was waiting for the bus home. It got exhausting. I used to send the occasional few back (in a meeting, speak tonight), (still in a meeting, speak later?), can't talk now - call you in a couple of hours), then finally a call which turned into 2 or 3 hours of the details of her day which she'd already texted to me

Possibly that's a general red flag.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 11:44:31

no, thats actually insane.
hes insane.

fact.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 11:46:34

He sounds very dull if I am honest. Makes a descripition of 'giving head' appealing shock

mercury7 Mon 07-Jan-13 11:47:24

running commentary onhis life??
Yawn yawn
he just sounds attention seeking and precious
thinking that the mundane details of his life are interesting

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 11:49:25

In fairness, he didn't send me more than 2 ever without me replying...it wasn't that that was all his texts said, but say last week I'd said something like how I needed to get a report done by 5, his next text would be along the lines of 'hows the reports coming along, are you on track? I've just got home, traffic was rubbish'

It is a bit attention seeking. He did say to me once in a text 'how needy am I' when we were joking about something. Many a true word spoken in jest...

Voice I sail, scuba dive, used to do archery and admire rugby players thighs. Will that do? <packs bag for the country> Actually I have met my RL men mostly when travelling and doing these things. Never in the UK because I do dinghy sailing and its too cold when you capsize, same for diving. Shivering and almost crying with cold is not a good look grin

48 'giving head' priceless as a conversation opener and as someone said upthread it is less likely that you're going to meet men who get their knobs out in RL

Bant do you know she was actually there to see you apart from her first text? I had one guy text me I'm here when in fact I was sitting waiting for him at the bar already hmm

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 11:52:05

Wow Bant ...I have got to hand it too you mate...you had that for 2 bloody weeks god love you!

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 11:53:36

there we go then....

SEE, him, not you.

smile

Hes not in a place for a long term relationship, and it would be a disaster if he were.
It wouldnt be a good relationship, nor what you wanted.

You do need to turn it round and start looking at it from your side, rather from theirs.
So, what you want, how behaviour makes you feel, if YOU want to see them again, it its something you would want in a partner.

Fuck what they want and trying to be that, that only makes yoiu feel ' less' when it doesnt work out. if you turn it round its far easier and makes for better choices.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 11:57:14

Juliette - she texted me to say she was in the car park, was she in the right place, I replied by saying I'd be there in 2 minutes, walked through the car park and didn't see her (although I didn't look in all the cars as that would be weird), went to the bar and texted to say I was there, and got a text five minutes later saying her ex had phoned and her son was ill, sorry.

So, she could have left immediately after her first text and not seen me, or not noticed me walk through the car park. The window of her not being able to see me when she drove out was very small.

I dunno. Could be cold feet, could be an ill child, could be she's married and was looking for a bit of excitement. Could be lots of things. I don't have a hunch.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 11:58:31

One day...honestly I am going to write a bloody screenplay about all this with my mate ...honestly...

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 12:00:15

I've actually never had so much information about anyone's movements as I did with him.

I think that was why I knew something was up on Friday, it was so obvious he was on another date, because he just went completely silent and off-radar. Which if he hadn't put himself on radar so much in the first place wouldn't have been noticeable.

I knew more about what ST was doing than I ever knew about my Ex when we were still together and living in the same house. Ex used to leave for work before I got up, often I wouldn't speak to/text him til lunch or on the way home, and he was the same.

OK, ST is odd. Maybe he's not actually any real loss.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:01:38

Never mind about 'The bonkin' B's of online dating' ... 'The madness of online dating'....'Enter the Void' 'Give up hope all ye who enter here' ...something along those lines...

Velvet I'm thinking the above is more than a bit odd, isn't it? YES!!!! this is what some of us are banging on about with him. There is something very wrong with this man, very me me me behaviour. No idea about what his background is but that is what narcs do. Right down to you doubting yourself because of his behaviour.

There is absolutely nothing you could have done about this, he is what he is.

Juliette is looking very interesting all of a sudden. I sail Lasers, but only in this country. I look good in a wetsuit apparently wink

scoobydooagain Mon 07-Jan-13 12:04:15

Hi Grinchie and anyone else interested, didn't send text - saved as a draft for now. After reading 48's reply, took her advice to give him a few more days. Mostly thimk i'm clutching at straws but aware he is on medication for anxiety so giving him a few more days. Will update once done but really not hopeful.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:07:10

That is the crux of it Velvet...its disappointing but ...it would always have been disappointing (and worse) having an emotional vampire draining you.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:07:50

Ike I was thinking of doing a screenplay with my sister, she did a little OD.
Her first date spent the time it took to drink a very large cup of coffee, telling her the tale of a lesbian tenant and 'strap ons'. Fucking fruit loop!

Bant ok she has had enough time to text you to apologise and re-arrange. If it were that much of an emergency, she wouldn't have had time to text you to start with. It's just rude/careless of others and would you want to go there now?

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 12:10:48

he isnt ;)

you said yourself the date was ' meh' the phone call was ' awkward'

He hasnt made you feel nice, not really, just anxious.

Then it became about being rejected, not about ' him' as it were.
You sought of become tied up in not being rejected, not letting go of the hope this one might be different, that you forget the date was a bit crap and actaully, hes weird.

thats why you need to turn it around, keeps you more emotionally distanced smile

ike, people would believe it to be a work of fiction!

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:11:20

Juilette and voice Sail off into the sunset!

mercury7 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:11:45

Bant my 'hunch' (fwiw) is that she bottled out..prob just nerves and her own insecurities rather than because she saw you and didnt like you

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:12:39

48 Honestly its a rich source....take the virtual backrub scenario honestly...hilarious! (well it appeals to my warped sense of humour). The cock shots..anatomical descriptions...

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:14:46

.....and the to top it off turning to our mates online for support...its beyond existential....fuck I have just blown my own mind (Velv..not down playing your situation ...but I like to amuse myself ..it helps therapeutically)

Voice I am interesting wink

Apart from that, I sail Catamarans. Sometimes Lasers but you can see why I don't do it in the UK. Strictly the Med, and after May.

So are we talking a shortie or are you a longer length man?

Juliette - longer length, always wink Actually, been considering selling the boat and giving up. I sail on a river, great for racing and improving tacking skills, but last two years the weather has either been no wind or far too windy and weeks and weeks of flooding so couldn't even get to the club. Added to which, at 38 I am almost the youngest there and while there are some nice people in their 40s, they are all families and really only mix with the other families.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:22:02

Wow ...now a virtual date scene on the online support thread (ike gets notebook out)

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:22:13

Ike The gift that just keeps giving grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 12:23:12

ike - i think thats because most of us dont know any single people in rl, so no one who is doing online dating....
and its so weird, they just wouldnt get it at all.

and velvet, all he has done is make you doubt yourself and feel like you dont make the grade. that is not any way any one should make you feel. Hes waving about 1000 red flags in your face.

I really would take control back, send him a text to close the door firmly in his face smile

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 12:24:13

Watch the date was a bit awkward. I'll say this now (I wouldn't have admitted it before) but he somehow wasn't as attractive in RL as in his photos. I don't quite know why, they are him, and they are really recent. He is still very goodlooking, but in real life although I did feel an attraction it was more like 'he's nice' whereas in photos he literally gives me butterflies.

I've never had that happen before. Another odd thing.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:24:41

Slam the door wink

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:26:06

I know sometimes I just place myself outside of my body and look on in amazement at all the strange stuff going on and my mind just flips over... someone get me fork I need to stab my hand...

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 12:27:08

i confess, i blocked the sex man and left okc open ( there isnt many on it in my area)
im currently chatting to a bank manager!!!! hahahahahahahahahaahaha. hysterically funny, given my dire financial circumstances ;)

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 12:30:47

again velvet... see!!!
smile

Please send a text shutting the door, letting him know you wont be played and are better than that.

Nothing mean, it doesnt need to be, but just something.

Even if its ' Im sorry, ive done some thinking over the weekend and i dont think we have anything in common because you a a twat, i dont want to see nor chat to you again.

smile

he wont be expecting it at all.

Velvet I know it's tempting to keep the door open --even just to torture him--but the sooner you get rid the sooner you will move forward.

Voice I would keep the boat and move to the coast. Or the Med, they are slightly younger there wink

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:39:30

velvet Remember your own thought 'I am too good for this shit' smile
You were on the money then!

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 12:40:09

Photo thing is weird. When I first got a message from him I was like this shock. Honestly, his photos do give me butterflies. But in RL he wasn't quite the same.

Whereas Cuthbert looked pretty ordinary in his (1) photo, but in RL is actually more attractive than ST. Go figure.

Ok, I'm coming round to the closing the door idea. Not quite ready to do it yet, but I will smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 12:41:58

i agree juliette, otherwise you are just continuing the self torture.

its quite empowering to take control back, it doesnt feel nice to have to... but when you start standing up for yourself/ what you believe in, its a good thing......its good for self esteem and self worth.

Too many women are taught to be people pleasers, to go along with what everyone says, to not rock the boat, to not put their needs first or even second. When you finally start doing it, its a bit of a revelation ( even if it does mean it doesnt always go down well)

Juliette - I considered moving to the coast that but most coastal places tend to be either small and mostly retirees or cities with lots of students rather than lots of people in their 30s (other than families).

Velvet - agree with the others, a textual LTB is in order. You're too good.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 12:47:45

you really should velvet.
smile

Its not so much what the text says, but what it does, for YOU>

Its YOU taking back the control
Its YOU saying you are too good for his shit
and its YOU putting and end to it

it makes all the difference, promise you. Try it.

Other wise the idiot will think hes pulling your strings, you will continue to feel like you arent up to scrach, and its almost like pulling off a plaster, very very slowly.

Just rip it off and be done with it ;)

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:50:47

It was like when Mr FU tried to play me.

I know it was childish but I punched the air. Laughing I win Arsehole!

antonym Mon 07-Jan-13 12:52:23

48 I have a very beautiful tb bay gelding, if you are feeling left out of the site-based sporting romance scene.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:53:29

A TB you say wink

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 12:54:19

;)

it is good to take control back, huh. always makes me laugh too, im like' ha, fuck you'

I think once you have done it once, it doesnt take so much effort to do it again, and it comes a lot easier the next time.

of course, id rather not have to do it at all, but id far rather my self esteem was protected, that let some crap man ( like he has shown himself to be) make me feel shit about myself.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 12:56:59

Antonym and I ride off into the sunset smile

OhWesternWind Mon 07-Jan-13 13:04:15

Oh I have got so behind with you all - one night out with LM and here you are on a new thread. Everything is moving on so quickly at the moment with lots of people.

Out of interest, does anyone have any experience of being in a relationship where one person has a lot more money than the other, much nicer house etc and did this lead to problems at all? Don't want to say which one is me as I want unbiassed opinions. It's not an issue with us at all, nothing has ever been said and nobody has been made to feel awkward because of it, but something I've always been a bit aware of. Neither of us is skint btw so it's not something that has any immediate impact, just interested as I've not been in this situation before.

Scrazy Mon 07-Jan-13 13:15:37

Western, I would say if you both really care about each other, non of that matters. I have been in a situation before where one of us was more financially set up than the other. It's often not how much you have but if you have similar values about finances. Mine didn't work out, obviously, but it wasn't about what either of us had.

Velvet, I really wouldn't have anything more to do with ST. Send a final text, he sound weird and not worth your time. Even if you want a fwb type thing for now, there will be better people to start one up with.

A mate of mine loves sailing but it has only brought her mm so far, which she isn't interested in. I've heard today is a prime day for starting extra marital affairs. Be careful out there grin.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 13:16:17

OWW - I've been in situations before where one of us was a student and the other one was working, sometimes for over a year. It's always a bit difficult in that kind of situation because if one of you is actually skint and can't afford to buy a nice dinner for valentines, or birthday gift or pay for your own meal when you go out with their mates then it gets awkward. In times like that the poorer one used to 'make up for it' in terms of extra attention - cooking nice meals rather than eating out, picking flowers rather than buying them that kind of thing. Thoughtfulness goes a long way.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 13:19:08

Yes OWW but in my case I am reasonably financially secure and my last bf was unemployed without his own home...it did affect the relationship as I had to pay for some nights out etc...but in the end it was other reasons that caused the relationship to end. Your scenario is quite different.

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 13:21:22

I will send it. Assuming he doesn't get there first of course. I know it won't make me feel better, I just have to tell myself he's not what I thought he was and stop looking at photos of him

I wouldn't want him just as a FWB anyway. And having tried to find a FWB in the past, for me they're just urban myths anyway. I just ended up in the same situation, with men I'd see shag once and never hear from again. So I gave that up as a bad job...

OhWesternWind Mon 07-Jan-13 13:22:18

Thanks Scrazy and Bant I think we both have the same kind of values about money and all sorts of things, so it's good to hear that other people haven't foudn this to be too much of a problem. Neither of us is skint, we can both afford to go out, buy little presents and that, so it doesn't have any impact that way, which is good. Think I am probably over-thinking stuff again . . .

OhWesternWind Mon 07-Jan-13 13:23:16

And thanks too Ike - cross posted.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 13:27:41

velvet, it will make you feel better. dont give him a chance to get in there first, you are putting all the power on him again, take some back!!
smile

i tired with the fwb too, led to me sleeping with 4 men end of last year, beginning of this, and also, never hearing from them again either. You couldnt make it up........

western, no idea, sorry. Im always going to be the skint one though... bit rubbish really.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 13:33:30

velvet, you already said the pics dont actually look like him anyway.
Im now going to tell you to man up. so, man up!!!

why are you torturing yourself? there is absolutley no need to, you are chastising yourself when you have no reason to, we have all told you that.

Send the text, do it now ;)
delete off fb, do it nowsmile

dont wait for him to do it, stand up for yourself and dont let some low life treat you like crap.

then reward yourself with whatever floats your boat, shoes, crap tv, early night, bath, cheese, whatever. Give the online dating a break for a week or too, be nice to yourself... and pat yourself on the back for standing up for yourself.

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 13:38:25

I wouldnt text ST actually velvet I'd wait and see what transpires over the next couple of days, I would bide my time and wait, rather than be goaded into a response. smile I wouldn't instigate a text, that looks like you've been discussing him on the internet thinking about him. You went out with your chums looking 'fahn' on saturday, you're a busy woman with a fascinating social life, i wouldn't let him know he is being thought of. leave your stinging come-back for the right moment. he'll be even more off-guard if he proposes meeting and then receives a 'no thanks' response.

I dont agree that he has made velvet feel anything. Velvet is in ownership of her own feelings. That doesnt excuse his behaviour, but gives Velvet ( I know you're here, I dont mean to discuss you as if you've left the room) the opportunity to choose how she feels about it. I know that is on the back of a sod-load of rejection.

Constant rejection is bollocks, I agree, but it's a part of life and one that has to be looked squarely in the face, picked apart and put back together again, otherwise we do get into the area of 'why do i just meet bastards.' they can't all be bastards. i refuse to believe they are all bastards.

OhWesternWind Mon 07-Jan-13 13:50:17

They're not all bastards wink

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 13:51:04

i dont think hes ' made ' her feel that way.
people are in control of that, of course.

but if someone is behaving in a way thats not bringing out good feelings and is leading you to feel anxious, doubt yourself, feel horrible, then that person has the choice to either stand by and let that happen, or to do something about it.

also, hes still texting... so its not really instigating a text, its not coming out of the blue.

i dont think it is part of life that we have to be picked apart, i dont know anyone who has... certainly not any friends the same age who got married when i did. Not any family....

if anyone is going to to any looking squarely in the face, its only going tobe me, to myself. Noone is in a place to make any judgements on me ( that count for shit) and as long as im happy with myself, then thats fine.

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 13:51:41

Can I just say Lubey I think I love you for what you just said on the options page! (cant get back on to FB to say it there...)

I KNOW you are only saying it to make me feel better and that in reality he IS much better looking than me but it still made me grin lots.

So thank you, and Watch, and everyone else for being so lovely to me. The men I meet never give a stuff about me but it's rather fab, and makes me a bit glowy inside, that you all do smile

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 13:54:20

Nooo velvet, I'm TOTALLY not saying it to make you feel better, I am genuinely of the opinion that his looks are meh and yours are wow! I swear on my entire life and family and pets!

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 13:54:30

You know Snape I totally agree...which is why I try to see humour or at least irony in these situations it lightens the load....it is very true that rejection occurs to most of us at some point if you 'put yourself out there'. But what is the alernative hide away forever? Fine for some but I am not going to the Nunnery yet.....just donning the chastity belt and pursed lips for a while.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 13:57:35

Oh and yes I know lip pursing causes fine mouth wrinkles but ...fuck it ..

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:00:24

There is always botox --and a good moisturiser....both of which I am indulging in soon

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:01:29

velevet, you are so down on yourself sometimes. please, accept compliements where they are due.
also - have a look around you when you walk through town, look at those about the same age as you, then look at yourself... you look very very good smile
and, even if you werent, then, this:“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

smile

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 07-Jan-13 14:03:06

I've been catching up on all the posts for the last few days, and I was so disappointed and angry to read about ST. Velvet, I'm thinking about you, and am so glad that you've had good support from this thread.

The first part of my surprise date on Saturday turned out to be a football match - which would possibly be a huge disappointment to lots of you (though I have a vague memory that Velvet likes football - am I right?) But I was over the moon, as I love football and haven't seen my team for over a year. So Mr C chose well!

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:03:20

ike- i think its a lot harder to see the humour in situations, when it is you they are directly happening too........
especially if they are things that are less than nice.

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 14:04:46

Lubey no way! he is (in photo even if not in RL) by far the best looking bloke I've ever encountered via OD. and a lot better than me. (And that's not me thinking I'm unattractive I don't. But he's better)

However that doesn't make up for him being a liar, a bit odd, and clearly not the one for me.

I will get rid, but I have to do it when I'm ready, which isn't right now (as right now I'm going off to buy myself something nice for lunch). That's not to say I don't appreciate everyone's advice, I really, really, do.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 14:11:40

Blimey velvet - I think we either have wildly different taste, or you have some strange looks goggles, or he is awfully, awfully unphotogenic

Based on his profile (not just pics) he would go on my 'no' pile. And you know I'm not a goddess or anything it's just the hamster look makes me feel a bit ill.

Now you however, I'd date you. But not him wink

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:13:00

I see humour in all my own situations too though...really...even the ex husband having a 4 year affair behind my back. I did have some belly laughs with a friend about it ..quite soon after discovery. I know that sounds bonkers and maybe it is but its like Shakespearean tragedy ....there is only so many tears a woe that can be taken on board...which is why he uses characters like The Fool.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:15:39

and (sp) however I understand that Velv doesnt fancy laughter at mo. Just see me as The Fool character on this thread ....making (silly, unhelpful) lighthearted comments...that just me...odd bod that I am

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 14:16:32

The rejection has to be picked apart - not Velvet.

When people behave shittily towards 'us' i agree, you can let it happen, you can take control of the situation or you can ignore it. This isnt a long term relationship. This is one date and he's told a fib about his whereabouts <shrugs>

I always think there is the danger of the cacophony of shit-at-being single, unloved, uncuddled, rejection, rejection, rejection building up into a giant reaction that is disproportionate to the instance itself.

There's really no need to cut him down to size without being in full possesion of the facts The fact is that he has been seeing multiple people while not being in a relationship with anyone, has cancelled a date and has told a lie. Call him on the lie and see what happens.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:18:34

you musy have a dark sense of humour then ike, most people would find that devestating.

i try to find humour is stuff, but, sometimes, you just cant. its then you know its a bit shit.

i cant see his profile... though i am on your fb velvet. i want a nose now. and id trust lubeys judgement too... smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:23:11

ooh, its not sbfcc is it?

he lives really near me..... we could steal snapes honey trap plan?? set up a fake date with me and then id stand him up.

thats a bit evil, isnt it?
smile

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:23:23

Oh it was completely devastating but I do have a dark sense of humour that stops me from topping myself! lol

Skyebluesapphire Mon 07-Jan-13 14:29:47

Has anybody used Single with Kids?

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:30:10

I am always up for a bit of playful evil, me!!

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:30:51

No Skye I think I looked once and there was nobody there I fancied..

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 14:32:13

i like evil. i always remember that fine thread with the honey trap penguin.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:33:04

Oh now do tell Snape ...that sounds like my cuppa..

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:34:09

...'honey trap penguin'...hmmm another one for the notebook...

VelvetSpoon Mon 07-Jan-13 14:34:13

watch no, it's not him smile Lubey's seen his POF profile - I'll pm you his name on there, you can share her horror!

Please no honeytrap dates though. He doesn't quite deserve that. I'm sure that (when I actually do it) the loss of the chance of seeing me again
will be punishment enough grin

lubey we must just have different tastes. He is better by photo than real life. by photo I really do find him hugely attractive blush

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 14:34:30

My humour can be dark sometimes Ike.

For example once having just got back together with a chap I really loved, I travelled miles to stay with him in some holiday apartments in a lovely place, I had friends with me as well, another couple it was meant to be a joint break with. Anyway we had an amazing night but I woke up to find him and all his stuff gone. He had packed up and sneaked off in the night having changed his mind and freaked out. Bastard. I truly was devastated.

So the couple I was with were all concerned about me and fussing over me doing the whole [head tilt] 'are you ok' thing while I just wrapped myself up in a blanket, named it the 'blanket of depression' and shuffled around the apartment like an old lady and sat on the balcony looking at this beautiful view muttering darkly about my soul and heart being so black and bleak it would make even Morrisey run screaming. I kept making myself laugh. Couldn't help it! And it actually did help.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 14:39:55

Problem is, if velvet calls ST on the lie (that he was with his DC because his ex was sick?) then he will just get huffy and say 'we've had one date, why are you so needy/demanding?' and go off on his self-justified high horse about how he's had a luck escape from someone who's checking up on him. That's human nature.

She has two options. Block/delete/ignore him and leave him wondering, or set up a second date to make him feel like a twunt when he's left wondering.

The second provides a bit of revenge, the first is the moral high ground. Calling him on a lie will just make him feel he's the better person. It's amazing what self deceptions people can weave to put themselves in the situation of wronged party.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:40:23

oh, ive found humour at being locked in my room in america, with a nuts family, with no money, no resources and no idea how to get out and get back home. And finally doing so including several 24 hr plus layovers, when i had no money and just had to hang around the airports, being shifted from one departure lounge to the other......and then my dad getting lost in the car park on the way home....

If i didnt laugh i would have cried.

but when you are in the thick of it, and your all emotionally wrapped up in it, sometimes its a bit harder to be so objective.
and not everyone deals with stuff in the same way.... and thats ok......

no honey trap dates smile though the penguin one was quite good. there was a plumber one too... though ithink that was in chat....

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:40:39

See Lubes THAT,THAT is exactly what I would have done.....then drunk a shit load of Sangia and had a massive, noisy nervous breakdown...

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:41:43

i wouldnt even call him on it, id just send a text saying id been thinking and didnt want to see/ chat to him anymore.

thats it, to the point, no name calling, no accusing, no nothing, and not respond to any return texts.....

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 14:42:10

penguin honey trap you get the jist.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 14:43:28

I second what Bant said about him reacting like that to being called out on the lie.

I think I would just leave it - no honeytraps, no revenge, totally ignore him and not ever be in contact again.

At the very most i would call things off and say I met someone on that night out. But I'd likely not even bother with that. Just not give him a second more headspace, block on everything blockable, and forget.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 14:46:46

Thanks Snapes Ill have a good ol read of that later...making notes of course...

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 14:49:55

sorry snape - missed your post above.
that makes more sense.

no, i agree, it call snowball into more, which i think is whats happening here, and does tend to on the back of more and more rejection.

hes lied, cancelled two dates and cost time and money... bit of a shit thing to do, should be draw a line, end of, block, move on. which is what im trying to get velvet to do, by sending a closure text.

to put an end to it and forget about it.

Movingforward123 Mon 07-Jan-13 18:10:51

Ok I've got two guys that im chatting to from Pof! Im thinking about seeing one in the day time Saturday and one in the evening for a quick drink b4 meeting my friend for a night out wink

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 18:13:16

Could be the droughts about to end Moving!

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 18:14:17

Go for it Moving grin

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 18:51:44

Had meeting with my mentor this afternoon, who is devastatingly attractive, extremely camp and was telling me about his divorce. Told him all my work-being-unreasonable woes and about the DCs problems. I quite fancy him. He must NEVER KNOW.

Good chatting with Dumbledore today. We're having a huge esoteric debate about intelligence, faith and recognition/reward. He's giving me a run for my money. Uh-oh. Smart, accomplished....anyone want to place bets on the levels of kink that will unfold once I allow him to talk about sexual predilections?

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 18:56:02

Do we need to formulate a kink scale ?

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 18:58:57

I wonder if the Internet already offers such a thing....

OhWesternWind Mon 07-Jan-13 19:29:52

But kink is good! I'd get a little bored without it.

But I'd have to say that, wouldn't I, in light of the intelligence:kink theory...

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 19:34:36

Kink is good. Foot in foof is bad.

StuffezLaBouche Mon 07-Jan-13 19:36:19

Out of interest, what do you seasoned veterans do if you've been talking to someone and they just seem.....dull?! Do you just ignore them and not reply, or do you message and say let's leave it there. Or do you meet them??
Exchanged about 15 messages with someone over the last couple of day but he's not the most lively! I'm a bit rubbish in that I can only focus on one at a time....

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 19:37:27

Ive said it before, and ill say it again... the cleverer they are the kinker they are.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:41:01

Im thick as pig shit me

Heleninahandcart Mon 07-Jan-13 19:42:44

Dull = politely show disinterest
Dull who keeps popping up and sending messages = blocked

Yogagirl17 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:46:28

<am trying to wean myself off this...and failing miserably!!!>

I can have a pretty dark sense of humour at times. Remember finding it quite hysterically funny after kicking XH out following his affair and realising I didn't need to bother waxing for a while. I guess at the time it was either hysterical laughter or just hysteria.

StuffezLaBouche Mon 07-Jan-13 19:46:32

Fair enough! Thanks Helen. He seems "nice" but not very chatty. He doesn't offer opinions on anything... or seem that interesed in much... just sends mundane messages. We will see though - I'm new to this so should really appreciate people maybe don't want to tell their life story to a stranger!

Yogagirl17 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:48:02

Snape when are actually meeting the fabulous Dumbledore - it must be soon!?

Helen your alter ego is showing wink

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 19:53:48

Watch - I don't think you can draw a correlation between cleverness and kinkiness. I'm relatively vanilla to be honest, though I consider myself to be intelligent. I had a date with someone a few years back who, when she turned up, was really startlingly uninformed and ignorant. But she'd brought handcuffs in her handbag as she assumed we'd be using them that night. Ignorance turns me off, so.. no.

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 19:54:15

Dumbledore is Wednesday. He gets back to town tomorrow. The NHM geocaching has now provisionally turned into post-geocaching dinner & drinks, if we can tolerate each other for an appreciable period of time.

Do you think it's a particularly British thing, direct correlation between kink and boarding schools ?

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 19:55:02

ike :D

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 20:00:09

No, juliette I think that would suggest that intelligence is dependent on paid education and paid education does not necessarily equate to intelligence for me.

I wouldn't necessarily say that boarding schools are 'hot-beds' of perversion either...I'm sure some people come out relatively unscathed. wink

This has now led to a mental image of David Cameron...doing....it. Thanks for that

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 20:01:10

juliette, that might be more it.

bant, its not a rule. just a general experience thing. not just clever, but over the top above most peoples levels; type cleverness.
I think, and again, just my experience, is its something to do with the cerebal pleasure from it all, the power games etc...

handcuffs dont even come on a kink scale, do they?
I have handcuffs in my car... i cant remember how they came to be there, but they are in the drivers side door.....

dumbledore sounds really promising smile

stuff, if they are dull, depending on my mood, i will either send a nice, sorry, nothing in common, message. or just stop responding.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 20:05:00

Further to the kinky debate, no I don't think you can draw any correlation between intelligence and perviness. My exh is very clever, supposedly genius level (sceptical emoticon) and is utterly,utterly, utterly un-kinky.

Movingforward123 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:05:31

Yes I'm hoping I will get some action before I die from lack of sex confused

But I'm not sure if I will like either of them! We will see! I just get the feeling that's everyone on Pof is only after sex!

Which I get sounds rich coming from me, but I want to have sex with someone I actually fancy and like as a person! Not just anyone off the Internet confused

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 20:06:09

lol snape. cross posted.

Everyone ive met, into kink... and we are talking rather a wide range here. Has been privately educated.
but it does not follow that every privately educated person is clever... or into kink.

Its very intersting to me... i find it fasinating really.

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 20:12:06

It is interesting... Prof was the kinkiest person I'd met... State school, but did go to Oxbridge, where he probably 'picked up a thing or two' I do agree with snail from an earlier post where some people into kink view their partner as a interchangeable receptacle... But then some of the most vanilla people do that as well.

velvet how are you feeling? smile

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:12:48

Ah Moving now..see there's the rub...you didnt say you wanted to like AND fancy them before shagging them...that is where you are going wrong...

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:14:55

The Bob Flanagan film was very interesting re BDSM you might want to watch it snail.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 20:17:39

I think if there is a kink scale, it's got to go something like

1 = doing it with the lights on
2 = something other than missionary
3 = mild BDSM - handcuffs, scarves etc

up to

10 = specify type of goat

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 20:20:22

have seen it ike.
Ive also various aquantinces, whos brain i delve into now and again, if not because its just so interesting. Kind of everything on the spectrum... There are the ones who just like stuff because its out there and boundary pushing, those that it gives a mental kick, and those with fetishes, that they really cant help at all. Its just interesting. I think the most kinky i have met was someone with a serious rubber fetish, who wanted to be totally encased in layer upon layer... forever.
so... that was a pick my jaw up off theh floor momment!!

moving - id say from pof thats nearly impossible ;)

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 20:20:34

My ex was an oxbridge graduate with a PhD, and she'd prefer it with the lights off. No interest in anything kinky at all.

See for me the brighter the better in a relationship, but I've barely had only one whiff of kinkery, ever. None of my university post grad friends are kinky not that I would know, the brightest man I've ever met was as vanilla as me, great Coffee. The only times I thought it was possibly there but unsaid, major public schools were involved.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 20:26:56

There was a thread on here ages ago about the kinkiest thing you'd ever been asked to do and one poster had met a man who wanted her to fellate him while he did a poo. I'm proposing that as a 10 on the kink scale.

Bant I have pictures of goats on my screensaver. You'd have to split it down into subcategories. Plus, given that I've spent a considerable amount of time with various sailors of all descriptions, you would have to include fish and whatever an octopus is.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 20:34:37

mrs arse, i do believe thats called a blumpkin, or something. grim.

though if we are talking shocking, ive just had an email on match from the most stunning man. Im still open mouthed in shock. he also lived in japan. and is a scientist. I am excited.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:35:45

I was about to tuck into my fish sandwich thanks for that Arse...retch

lulubellaboozle Mon 07-Jan-13 20:41:56

Hi all <<waves to thread>>, still reading and following the thread, it just moves so fast, even if not posting, Arse that is gross! grin

I'm having a fab time with Mr Ex Army, all seems to be coming good crosses fingers to avoid giving it the kiss of death and as I get to know him better my insecurities which I have bored you all with on previous threads seem to be diminishing

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 20:45:57

Sorry to be a downer to thread.

Had a meeting at hospital today with my mums doctor. It was not good news.
They do not expect her to recover. If no improvement this week we will have a meeting to discuss 24/7 nursing care. Honestly reading between the lines they are talking end of life care.

I will continue posting on this thread as it does help take my mind of off it.

I am not giving up hope.

As you were.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 20:48:55

At least it wasn't a sausage butty, Ike.

It has a name, Watch ? (that was my Lady Bracknell voice). I ain't googling. Scientist sounds promising.

Lubey, it's pretty hard to find something that turns my stomach but that almost achieved it.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 20:49:43

God, 48, I'm so sorry, I thought she was recovering.

BillMasen Mon 07-Jan-13 20:50:36

Blimey you lot can talk. I was 11 pages behind when I came back.

Kids much better thanks, and I seem to be over my serious man flu (sniffle) I had at the weekend too. I did sleep very well last night though.

No real dating updates from me. Ticking along nicely but slowly with geeky girl, seeing her again on Friday as its the next time we're both child free. Still early days so both of us (presumably) having the occasional glance at the trolley. Apart from the occasional text from bloody moon girl (who's just one of those that you can't quite let go of although they are far more trouble than they're worth and it'll never actually happen!)

BillMasen Mon 07-Jan-13 20:52:25

Really sorry to hear that 48.

OhWesternWind Mon 07-Jan-13 20:52:39

48 so very, very sorry to hear that news. Do you have some other family around to help you through this?

So sad and I'm thinking of you and your mum.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 20:53:05

48, i am so, so sorry.
I dont quite know what to say, but if any of us can do anything, even just listen, let us know.

mrs arse... yep. i was asked the same once. i did decline.... nosey as i am, i asked why, and it was the power/ humilation of the girl, that got him off... not the feeling from it.

Yogagirl17 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:55:42

48 so sorry about your mum, sending hugs xxx

In terms of kink scale, surely you've all taken the "purity" test at some point in your lives? Came across it in various guises when at uni - think it pretty much covers everything under the sun. Definitely questions on animals & various bodily functions...not sure if there's a question on foot in foof though. hmm

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 20:56:07

Arse I think because she has been talking a little and smiling we thought her swallowing would come back. The staff don't think so. She is sleeping most of the time. She has given up.

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 07-Jan-13 20:56:47

48, I'm so sorry to hear that. How have you been feeling/coping since you spoke to the doctor?

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 20:57:22

Bloody hell, Watch, what did you say to him ? I think I'd just laugh hysterically and then run away.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 20:59:58

Is she on a specialist stroke ward, 48 ?

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 21:00:19

Libby shell shocked. Its her OH I am worried about he is in denial. One of my sisters is phoning soon she has been down there with him tonight. The staff and family have to slowly make him face the truth.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 21:02:38

Yes she is on a stroke ward. Her diabetes is another complication.

Bant Mon 07-Jan-13 21:02:50

48 - sorry to hear that, I thought things were looking positive. Hope you're okay.

Bill - just tell Moongirl if she's not going to get involved with you then not to get in touch for 6 months or so

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:02:59

48 xxxx to you and mum

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 07-Jan-13 21:04:39

Oh no 48, that's terrible if he's in denial and your family have to help him come to terms with it. Are you close to him? It sounds like it will have been a difficult evening for your sister but perhaps she'll have been able to help him take the first steps towards facing the truth?

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 21:06:52

Yes we are very close. He has been an absolute star to my mum. They have been together over 40 years.

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 21:07:06

48. That's sad news. Thinking of you. x

48 I'm so sorry. I hope you and yours are just about ok x

48 hugs

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 21:20:46

I have sent a text ending it with Mr R&R. My family are what matters.

48 it sounds like your family are very supportive of each other, take care of yourself too Sweetie.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 21:25:53

Ok, love x

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 21:28:54

Please continue with thread. I/we will get through it.

I am a 4/5 on kink scale smile

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 21:30:32

Are we self-rating on the kink scale now ?

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 21:31:14

family are what matters.... wishing you the strenght to get through it.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 21:31:23

Why not?

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 21:32:25

After giving it some thought, I'm saying a 6, with a possibility of occasional 7 given the right circumstances.

48howdidthathappen Mon 07-Jan-13 21:33:12

We all need a smile. The world is a better place for them.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 21:34:52

Certainly is, chuck.

mercury7 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:35:58

Is it really possible to measure sexual perversion?
I mean where is the upper limit against which you would measure yourself?

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 21:38:20

That is the problem, isn't it ? I mean one woman's doing it with the light on is another woman's plushie encounter, as I'm sure Masters and Johnson frequently stated.

mercury7 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:38:20

I think we'd tend to measure ourselves against the most perverted thing we could think of, problem is my idea of 10 on the kinky scale might be someone elses idea of a three...

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 21:39:17

you cant, because its different things... like i said the rubber guy, way out there, but it wasnt about sex at all. so, would that then not count? even though he got a sexual pleasure from it, but wasnt having sex, nor sexual contact?

complicated.

mercury7 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:42:30

i think really it's in the realms of drugs and pornography, once you develop a taste it can soon become an unquenchable desire, you start chasing after novelty and what seemed daring soon becomes tame

In order to assist with the kink scale, I've taken Bants suggestion that a 10 is related to goats and have uploaded some Goat Porn on my profile.

KirstyWirsty Mon 07-Jan-13 21:43:57

48 I'm sorry to hear about your mum xx

mercury7 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:44:16

if something is sexually arousing then it's by definition surely, about sex?

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 21:45:45

agreed, slippery slope.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 21:46:45

I'm sorry, just doing the Purity Test mentioned by Yoga ' have you ever masturbated while driving a moving land vehicle ' car,RV, truck, motorcycle or hearse' - enduring image.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 21:49:34

id say so....
id put things like that. where its gone past actual sex, or sexual contact, at a 10.
blumpkins ( urgh) blood, other bodily stuff, needles, etc at a 9
nipple clamps, cock and ball torture etc, at about an 8

im about a 7. or 6.5

but like mercury says, someones 7 might be somone elses 3.
its all relative.
and depends on your partner as well i think. some i would barley be a 1 with.

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 21:49:56

Finally a bit of flirting with Dumbledore. It's geek flirting, but it is flirting none the less. We are comparing knitting to sex and he is throwing in some Linux.

It's impossible to manage a kink scale I think. The are things I would NEVER do, ever, that I don't wish to describe for fear of scaring ike the thread. The difficulty is probably around if 1 = missionary, under the sheets, lights off. And 10 = (removed for the sake of decency) then 2-8 has to cover just about everything else or equate particular actions into broadly similar scores, which is impossible. Someone's '3' might be annilingus. That might be someone else's '7'

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 21:50:24

haha, hearse. lol

though my answer would be yes.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 21:51:17

and ive just remembered when i was younger and used to ride pillion, i used to get my boyfriend to keep the revs high..... for that reason.
haha

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 21:51:31

7s and 3s!

They'll be my bonus-balls on euromillions this week.

antonym Mon 07-Jan-13 21:56:20

48 so sorry. Best of luck.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:00:42

Watch you are so 'racy' ...mmm annilingus in a hurst...well, well. See i would lick a loved ones ring but I am not having arse fucking no way....bit of light bondage maybe ...so what is that then?

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 22:02:53

Ike you're a 4.75.

It gets a bit easier to define when you introduce decimal points.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:03:17

5ish 6ish ...once tried that popping candy on my clit as an experiment....ooh and tiger balm (baaaad idea) where does that leave me?

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:04:29

Oh dear less than I thought hmmmm ok getting back into the iron pants now.. (clunk)

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 22:06:21

Tiger Balm ?? Bloody hell, ouch.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 22:06:24

48 so sorry sad

Snape I agree about the kink scale. Based on 1 = missionary and 10 = goat then I'd put myself at an 8 maaayyybee 9 I think, but what I have in mind could easily be someone elses 10. Or 200.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 22:07:52

Has everyone looked at Juliette's goat, with its 'come hither' , coy over the shoulder glance ?

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 22:08:14

At the same time though I enjoy number 1 = missionary just as much as the kink factor stuff. I like men I'm seeing to be similar and not 'need' kink just maybe include it sometimes.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:09:57

Yes a ridiculous bloody idea...hahhhha...not all that long ago either ..told you about the pig shit intellect....christ luby I dont even have the brain cells to imagine. Mind you after watching that Bob Flanagan film...

Scrazy Mon 07-Jan-13 22:10:31

48, sorry to hear your news.

Me too Lubey, prefer it to be something you build on with a guy as you get really comfortable with each other, rather than the main focus.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Mon 07-Jan-13 22:12:59

48 very sorry to hear that.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:13:18

I am really genuinely surprised at the level of kinkiness on here ..dunno why..

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 22:13:24

That's exactly it Scrazy! And then even when very comofrtable with each other, still very very happy with more vanilla than kink. Not needing it is key.

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 22:16:11

ike popping candy earns you 0.5, so you're a 5.25 and definitely within the score you previously indicated. grin

juliette that goat is a bit 'come hither' wink

Scrazy Mon 07-Jan-13 22:16:13

Yep, I think it used to be referred to as 'making love', now there's a novel idea grin.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:16:24

Well Lubes that is what probably separates you from the likes of folk like Bob and his partner ....but infairness the film does not deal with the minutiae of their everyday sex life.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:17:34

Ok Snapes I am good to go with that score..

WhatDoesTheDogSay Mon 07-Jan-13 22:17:34

Don't know about kink scale, but scored 55.5% on purity scale... Only slightly more pure than impure!

She is well up for it I can tell you...

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:18:48

Ah she's sooooo cuuuuute

Cute and goes in your bag if you turn your back smile

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 22:22:34

I think, very generally speaking, younger people are slightly more open to kink, because of a general pornification of society and a normalisation of the lower echelons of kink. I mean, 'they' sell handcuffs in Anne bleeding summers! Alright they'll be fluffy and cheap and a bit crap, but they're still handcuffs.

20 years ago a bloke would go to a prostitute for anal, now MN has a Friday bum-sex thread. ergo, everyone thinks everyone is doing it, that you're missing out if you're not open to kink.

I've said before, organic vanilla with the best ingredients trumps chocolate chip that is full of hydrogenated fat and a bunch of e-numbers.

lubeybooby Mon 07-Jan-13 22:22:52

Oh god. I'm not even doing any kink or purity tests. I can tell you right now it would be baaaaad. bad bad bad.

Nomorepain Mon 07-Jan-13 22:23:42

Evening all!

Had a brill first day back at work. Really enjoyed myself and loved getting back into work clothes and chatting to people. I'd forgotten what lovely people I have the pleasure of working with! And most importantly my little babies were fine. Had a brill day with the nanny. She is like Mary Poppins!! It is all too good to be true!!

Soooooooo, great day at work, sailor boy knew it was my first day back. We were texting for hours last night but then not heard anything off him at all today. Am I expecting too much to get a "how was yor first day back?" text? Also he hasn't hinted at meeting up either. I am not going to ask him to meet up nor text him first. I want to be chased as opposed to being the chaser!!!

Sorry guys I just cannot join in on the kink stuff! I'm blushing at the thought of it! I'm a child!!!

Sorry about your mum 48 xxx

Alittlestranger Mon 07-Jan-13 22:24:06

Here's a question for the future shareholders/designers of ethical dating. Should people be able to log on incognito?

I think at first that sounds like a bad, unethical idea. But I think it might actually be helpful and avoid some of the OD neurosis if you couldn't look at people looking at the sweet trolley. If one of the aims is to get people to act on OD as they would in real life then maybe some perks/normality need to be chucked in along with the high moral standards.

Not because I hate seeing that people I've been chatting with are clearly chatting to others. As am I, the big hypocrite.

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 22:25:18

Brill news nomore smile

BunnyKelly Mon 07-Jan-13 22:27:29

Sent a few messages on pof last night and only 1 reply so far, although its pretty decent and from the one who caught my eye most. Possibly down to putting more effort into my message or just having more in common I guess.

Messaged her back. Toe is well and truly dipped.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:27:51

NoMore I am so glad your day went well ...hmm yeah thats odd Sailor didnt text you..how long have you been in contact?

Scrazy Mon 07-Jan-13 22:29:32

grin snape, younger people didn't invent it.

Nomore, glad it went well, give it a couple of days and you will feel like you've never been away.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 22:29:37

Popping candy!!! Now theres a new one!!!

Lubey,
Im the same, like vanilla too.... wouldnt indulge for the sake of it. Wouldnt want someone dependent on it. But couldnt do vanilla forever else id be bored. A happy medium is whats best.

I dont know if it is porn... i was the way i am from the start, hadnt really seen much porn at that point, certainly hadnt discussed it with anyone.... i just like what i like and have a curious nature or something?

Where is the purity test?

Nomore so you aced it!

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 22:30:41

I have a feeling that there are plenty of people who confuse kink and sensuality, substituting the purchase of a jar of chocolate body spread and a pair of polyester open crotch knickers from Ann Summers for actually being a considerate and exciting lover. I would choose a sensual man every time, as entirely hypothetical as that is at the moment.

Scattylatte Mon 07-Jan-13 22:31:22

48 take care of yourself and take one day at a time.
nomore that's great news regarding your first day.

Funny I was thinking about ethical dating today. My thoughts were whether, when an email sent, the sweet trolley is whipped away and you don't get access to 'more matches' until the particular event is closed!

Also, do you lot get loads of messages on pof in the non IE mode? I've started to think I'm ugly as I get very few unless in IE mode.

MsArsebiscuit Mon 07-Jan-13 22:32:10

Purity Test it's a bit silly in parts ....

Nomorepain Mon 07-Jan-13 22:33:03

ike since about 28 Dec. I'm trying not to put any emphasis on it and just crack on with my lovely new life but in the back of my head I am thinking about him not contacting me. His messages to me are nice too! Not too gushy but funny and intelligent. He seems proper too and I like that as well!! Rubbish!!!

Must concentrate on how brilliant my day has been!!!!!!

It's probably just me but I've always shied away from handcuffs and dressing up as such because it makes me think of Bob and Pam with a regular Saturday night sexy time before taking the car for a spin on a Sunday. Possibly it's an era thing.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 22:34:47

Popping candy!!! Now theres a new one!!!

Lubey,
Im the same, like vanilla too.... wouldnt indulge for the sake of it. Wouldnt want someone dependent on it. But couldnt do vanilla forever else id be bored. A happy medium is whats best.

I dont know if it is porn... i was the way i am from the start, hadnt really seen much porn at that point, certainly hadnt discussed it with anyone.... i just like what i like and have a curious nature or something?

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 07-Jan-13 22:43:23

Im not doing a test either. It wouldnt be good.

Mrs arse, sensual is also good. Its findinga good mix of both thats key.

I couldnt go forever with just sensual, id get very very frustrated, very quickly.
If not physically so, then mentally. I like the mental side of it. It works for me. Only way i can explain is someone making love to your brain as well as your body. And to do the same to someone else....

BunnyKelly Mon 07-Jan-13 22:44:21

Agreed arse - there's a formulaic approach to kink that I think comes from the Ann summersification of modern life.

Give me a smart, confident girl with a dirty mind over hammed up games any day.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:46:51

Ok, NoMore have you had a date? Arse so no 'bean' flickers then? Sensual lovers...hmmm I have heared about them...

fayster Mon 07-Jan-13 22:48:44

48, so sorry to hear that about your Mum. Strokes can be so devastating to individuals and their families.

Nomore, glad your day went well.

Yoga, is it your first day tomorrow? Good luck!

I am very vanilla. Not exclusively missionary, so I get off the bottom of the scale, but I do insist on a very high quality product, no birds custard vanilla for me.

Talking of which, Mr Walking's Coffee has definitely hotted up from tepid, but since I've decided I quite like him, I get the feeling he's not so keen on me. Far less frequent in texting, though when he was texting more it was annoying me. Think I might be just too contrary.

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:48:56

Oh Bunny that means I am gonna have to put my nursey uniform back in the wardrobe then...

Nomorepain Mon 07-Jan-13 22:49:55

Oh god I just had a quick look on Match and there was a photo of the most amazing man ever. He is a GP that I took my little boy to a few years ago. I think he is one of the most amazing looking men I have ever met. He is also a doctor and I have such a big thing for doctors. And he is massively out of my league, wants someone that has never been married or has kids. I had already messaged him when I spotted that. I know I won't get a response. But wow he is beautiful!!

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:50:19

Aint that the way Fayster..

Nomorepain Mon 07-Jan-13 22:51:22

ike no date with him just a fair bit of chat. I know I shouldn't have any expectations. Just would have been nice to get a text!! Hey ho!!

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:51:40

Oh Nomore wish I could have a look I like to gaze on beauty from afar ...

ike1 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:52:36

Yep been there...the old text pen pal scenario...quite like it actually ..

Snapespeare Mon 07-Jan-13 22:52:44

Purity - 63.2% hoorah! Practically a virgin! smile